(ZAPP GRUNTING)

Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg. Oh! Oh, no! Professor will hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts.

I'll say good-bye now. There ain't no turtles where Daddy's goin'. Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all the robots off and-- What? It's a trap!

Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy... acting talent! I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker! Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?

As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%. (VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING LOUDLY) Do you mind doing that later? Bite my shiny metal ass. Help! I was attacked in my bathroom!

Yeah, duos are good.

I'm hallucinating this, right? No, Bender. Robot hell is quite real. Here's our brochure. But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion.

You've got the wrong Santa, and I'll prove it. I'm Santa Claus. What? Twenty-seven. No, I'm Santa Claus. Six? We're also Santa Claus. And I'm his friend jesus.

Bender, can you continue to drink, smoke and steal things on TV? Yes, I can. We're gonna have A tv party tonight all right we're gonna have A tv party all right tonight

I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers. Shut up, damn it! Please, Mr. Nixon we're appealing to your sense of decency.

Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think anyone's here to make that claim. I am. Me, too. Listen-- Shut up. We're talking about a snack Shut up. that's low in fat Shut up. and high in profit. You're crazy, man. He is crazy. There's not even any strong evidence that these Popplers are intelligent. Shut up, shut up. That's not true.

Give him one for me, too, mate. I don't know why I go to him. I don't miss twice, campers. And for those 6½ reasons I am demoting Leela to copilot. "Copilot"? Under who? The autopilot. That drunk?

Let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.

Wow! The 3-D's great! Mine's not working.

Oh, my! Neat! You can do it, Kif! Whoa, Nelly!

Not often though. Mmm.

I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat. Second. I move that your cat stinks and is ugly. Second. I move that we vote on...

Better fuel up. Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.

It's not fair. It's not fair! Wait. My eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large-print books. It's not f-- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille.

(CLUCKING)

Failure to prevent a mutiny.

Fry? I hate that guy. We once traded hands. They still stink of candy corn. Get this. That jerk said human life was more valuable than robot life. What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die!

Very much so, but first, meet the Action Rangers. You already know Stephen Hawking. Also with us are Nichelle Nichols A.K.A. Commander Uhura. Incoming transmission from MCI One-rate Department. It sounds like a limited-time offer.

Ho, ho, ho. Everyone's dead. Stay tuned for another tale of holiday hilarity.

I want to go back to Robot Earth. I mean regular Earth. Hey, stop that. I command you, you jerk. Just get out. Whoa!

(SIGHS) (GRUNTS)

What goes down must back up. (SEWAGE BUBBLING) (VEHICLES HONKING) Yucks. I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses.

Wait, there are no more questions left to answer.

Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty. But many of those you destroy are, in fact, nice. I submit to you that you are naughty... and that, logically, you must destroy yourself.

(GASPING) (ALL SNORING) (ALARM BLARING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) So, where's the fire this time? Here. Where? Here! Literally, here!

The important thing is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone. And using this, you cannot fail. Ooh, a diamond vial of Mrs. Dash? No. It is the essence of pure flavor. A few drops will cause the inner perfection... of any dish to blossom forth.

I'm still acting bureaucrat of Planet Express and I have some changes to make. First, Fry, you're fired. Second... Not so fast. While I was sorting I came upon a certain document filed by one Morgan Proctor. Form "B." Notification of romantic entanglement. That's right. She fraternized me.

Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something!

Let's recap what's happened so far. As you can see, I accidentally created... a box containing your universe. While I, in a simultaneous blunder, created the box containing your universe.

(CHEERING) There must be something to steal on this island. Hey, it's Leela. (ALL CHEERING) Let's go home, everybody. At least the world wasn't destroyed. Yet.

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race car.

MINER 1: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) For God's sake, help us! MINER 2: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) We're in agonizing pain!

(EXCLAIMS) The claws can't flee like they used to.

This is the souffle you're delivering to Mrs. Astor. Oh, my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great souffle, Elzar! Whatever you do, don't drop it. See, Mrs. Astor takes nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in souffle form.

I got a downgrade. I'm a steam-powered wooden robot... just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X! That's just stupid! Does Mister Bender wish me to destroy myself? I don't need your charity!

Good news, everyone. The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait. That's not good news at all.

I like that there's no catch this time. But, wait. There's a catch. Crap!

- How Tonk look? - Tonk look good. Me fat. No. You look good. Tonk fat.

No! (NIXON HOWLING ON TV)

And the winner is... Robot House?! Whoa... whoa... whoa!

Ah... some good, old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off. Ow. Ow, ow!

2,000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband. In loving memory, I established the Mr. Astor Endowment,

just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am. Oh, g-give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places. Yeah, they get around. But I'm afraid we had a deal.

Nothing. His free will slot is empty. I'm 40% empty. (KNOCKING) Also, what the hell is a free will slot?

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Ah!

Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with X-ray glasses, would you? Easy on the arm! Oh, my ass! Oh! Ow!

(SCOFFS) You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words.

I suppose it is technically possible though I am already in my pajamas.

Me fat. No. You look good. Tonk fat.

Oh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day we fight back.

This time I'm calling for the death penalty. And not just because I'm running for reelection as supreme mutant.

Tell them I'm in the tub. To my left, you'll recognize Gary Gygax inventor of Dungeons and Dragons. Greetings. It's A... Pleasure to meet you.

This is torture. The fever, the chills, and the sweating! Amy's horrible sweating! That's it. I'm leaving while I still have my dignity. See you in the obituaries!

Wait, who said that? (GASPS) I was once Lando Tucker, captain of the first Planet Express ship. Ew! I'm Turanga Leela, captain of the current Planet Express ship. What's going on? It's very simple. Well, actually it's very complicated. Luckily, I'm here to explain it.

Be happy Don't worry, now, Amy. Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry Be Happy Uh, were you just singing?

Between one and three. Not including one or three. "M"! Is he right? Yes. The number I was thinking of was the letter "M."

Not just an actor but a well-rounded person... with my own friends and credit cards and keys. Well, I... guess I could move out of my parents' basement. Maybe get a temp job. Whoa, whoa. One step at a time. I thank you, Fry. You know, you and I are of a kind.

This whole sector is uncharted. It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.

Watch it! Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space-age dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me, and also I have bad posture and severe financial problems? Have you tried getting her pregnant? Gosh, yes, I've tried and tried, but so far I only got Amy pregnant.

And these pina skulladas are fantastic. The crazy weather cleared up, too, for whatever reason. All in all, it's a fine day for an apocalypse. So you don't miss what's-her-name? Of course I do. But even though we're millions of miles apart, somehow, I feel she's near me. Very near!

Leela back yet? Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating! You don't have a heart. You're a robot. Sure. Right. Robot. Oh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky! Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal. Am I a robot?

Yeah. I mean, we all had commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices.

I'm Santa Claus. What? Twenty-seven. No, I'm Santa Claus. Six? We're also Santa Claus. And I'm his friend jesus.

Why, if it isn't Professor Farnsworth's friends. Zoidberg, Bender and... Who is this fetching young marmoset? Uh... Sparkles? Enough zoo director talk. We know those guys, and we want them freed. DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet.

Freeze, scuzzbot! Uh, there's obviously been some sort of a mistake here. I'm sure there's-- I say, I'm sure there's-- That is, I'm sure there's... a very... reasonable--

Hey, you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?

Damn it. I should have paid more attention in kindergarten. What's this chair-looking gizmo? (HONKING) Welcome to MomCorp. Did you find everything you were burgling for?

We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon. And now for the battle plan. As you all know the key to victory is the element of surprise.

It's not even worth watching anymore.

Is it true that postage stamp glue is made of-- Correct! Toad mucus. There's no time for this. Activate the bomb! Wait, wait, wait. What really killed the dinosaurs? Me!

No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house. Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it. Ow!

Here's to you New Justice Team Do the things that make a team Help each other do some things Winners don't use drugs The New Justice Team

Pay dirt! Hyah! Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.

At least it's something to distract me from Leela. Nah. Now, that I like for some reason.

It'll be murder. (BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) BENDER: Missed me! (GROANS) (TRUCK BEEPING)

Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children and hitting them?

Futurama is brought to you by... Glagnar's Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha humans!

Whoo! Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child. Then good day, madam!

Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm a genius. Ow! Ow!

Leela, take my hand! I'm slipping! The one time your hands aren't sticky, they're greasy! Oh, sorry. Normally I would've wiped them on my pants, but... (SCREAMS) (THUD) (PANTING) Are you okay? I... Ow!

How is Lynn, by the way? Living in Oregon with her crazy mother. See you at my funeral, suckers! Kill me, please, and make it splatter!

We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But all we have go on are ancient legend... and subscription to Cosmo. just F.Y.I., I could be used for Snu-snu. Silence! You want die like last men visit Amazonia?

In another city, we could be anyone we want! Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay. (CRYING) Yep.

He looks like Bender!

Poor Calculon. All right, Amy, you win! The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. (SOBBING) I'm scared and great at sex. Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.

This show's been going downhill since season three.

That's funny.

Your chip. What are you doing? Quitting. Why? Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you.

Folks, it's worse than we thought. Seems dark matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly. Why, it's making 'em ultra-fertile. How ultra? Well, your garden variety penguin lays one egg a year.

Coming up next, Futurama!

(GIGGLING) Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Hermes, don't press that button!

What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue?

No. Pubic Library.

Eh, I'm still working on that one. (GROANS) What's wrong with you? Why are you sabotaging a decent, honest candidate? - 'Cause they won't let me near the Hoover Dam anymore. - Ooh! What a bunch of xenophobes. It's time to find Senator Travers' Earth certificate and put an end to this nonsense.

Hang on. I just want to make one stop. (CROWD SHOUTING) (SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

but I had a very good reason. Perhaps you'd favor us with it? My pleasure. You see, I came down with a searing case of "who-gives-a-crap?" (LAUGHING) (GROWLING) I wish I had more living relatives.

Surprise!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, well, I'm going to go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park.

The last thing I did was blow my noisemaker sarcastically to underscore my deep disappointment with life. (TWEETING) The noisemaker! Was that it? Amy, I'm deeply disappointed in you.

NARRATOR: Look! Up on the drive-thru menu! It's Captain Mega Meat and his young ward, Bottomless Boy. Hurry, Captain! A skinny kid needs our help. Super-size me! (BELCHING)

He's making a break for it! Get him! No, no, i-i was just picking my nose. He's picking his nose! Get him!

Hey, rich girl!

Fire lasers! Duck lasers!

I say you've damaged our servants quarters and our servants. This time, Robot House has gone too far. Cheese it!

Congratulations to our gutsy, non-paralyzed challengers.

Oh, yeah! Whee doggie! Hey, you're enjoying this. Look, nobody enjoys shootin' penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it. I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way, it's not environmentalism. Oh, really? How 'bout blowin' up dams?

Your granny can go to hell!

Oh, I think I got whiplash.

Let's see, citation for public nudity conspiracy to commit public nudity. Aha! A new will naming... you as his sole heir! That doesn't prove I killed him. It's a video will. It shows you killing him.

No. It's an emergency, sir. Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well.

All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.

I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat. I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, right? No.

ANd i-i-i Will always Love you Will always love you The humans are attacking! Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here!

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What is it you like best about me? Is she coming? I'm not sure, but I do know that she likes my in-your-face attitude.

Joey Clamps, Donnie B. Hey, listen, Bender, we got a big score planned but, uh, we need some muscle. A little of this, huh? Ho-ho-ho! This guy's an ox. He's got oxen-like strength. Hey, he needs a nickname, right? Let's call him "Clamps." Clamps? That's my name, you numskull!

You're all going to have to learn to die together. Am I right, Soldier? Well, actually, I-- Sir! Yes, sir! Sir!

Senor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me. Mmm. It stinks.

Wipe my tiny metal ass!

space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.

Okay. I'm happy!

Whoa! You guys have issues. She has issues! I'm fine! But there's no human horn around here, so make friends with the door. All right. I give up. I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk. Oh, let's just give it to him. Here.

We got a 20 on the tin man. Toodle-oo. But Fry betrayed me at our apartment! (GAGGING) Just like in your folk song. Somehow everything you sang about is happening in real life. (FRY COUGHS) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying that guy at the apartment was some kind of exact copy of Fry?

2,000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband.

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING)

Wah-hoo! I found her! What do I do now? Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive.

- Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. - What's there to talk about?

It'll never be over, Wendy. Even now, humans are lurking in our playgrounds our breezeways... perhaps even... our movie theaters. God help us! Okay, keep an eye out for Bender. So what did you think of the movie?

Goodbye, boys. I suppose I should thank you for giving me a second chance at life, but... I'm not even sure I deserved a first. Calculon, wait! That was the first time I ever believed you were feeling a genuine emotion.

I wuv my mommy.

Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was going to do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list. Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.

Can you believe it, Bender? I'm gonna have my best friend back! I Wo--

Okay, that's it. No more killing. Next time you feel like killing just have a stick of gum.

yet I saw no sign of intelligent life. Bummer.

No, duplicate me said that. See, I had to be sure he wouldn't try and weasel out of getting killed like I would, and did, so I created him with a tragic weakness, artistic integrity. Of course. How could we have thought a guy with integrity was you even for a second? Because you're idiots.

Everybody but me is dying of old age! Okay. The winners, at a net cost of only $12 per life cut tragically short, our Sith Overlords! Yeah! Yes! Hot diggity. I mean, (IMITATES DARTH VADER) supreme diggity.

(ALL GASP) No! They did it! They blew it up!

Oh, WOW, it's totally retro. Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid. I think they look cool. Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that. Hey, did that lad just say rings are cool? Nope. He said they're stupid. Cool!

I suppose you're wondering why my flesh has melded with that of a giant space whale. I'll admit to a polite interest.

I'm hallucinating this, right? No, Bender. Robot hell is quite real. Here's our brochure. But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion.

Interesting. No, wait. The other thing-- tedious.

One, two! one, two, three!

Without these hands I can't complete The opera that was captivating her But if I keep them and she marries him Then he probably won't want me dating her Ah-roo! Bravo! Encore!

Yeah, I'll never have love like that. Leela hates me now. Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela?

Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry. Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass? No, it's called "parenting." Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect! Yea! Our daddy's a giant toy!

Hey!

Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

Freedom, freedom, freedom oy - Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day! So, what is Freedom Day? It sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.

You jerk! I thought I was your best friend. What kind of two-timing killmobile are you?

I am Bender Please insert girder

They look just like you, Fry. Arms, legs, ugly. Too bad we can't visit them in their virtual world. We can. Just moisten your heads and put on these real-to-virtual adapter caps. Hmm, electricity plus hats with wires on them.

Oh. This guy. Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry, I am pleased to welcome you to Robot Heaven. Shut up, God! Beg pardon? I want to go back to Robot Earth. I mean regular Earth. Hey, stop that. I command you, you jerk.

You are now the greatest hero in Earth's history. Yes! Suck it, Gilgamesh!

It's diving! It's pulling us under! Everyone, into the ship! Wait, I'll save us... by cutting the unbreakable diamond filament. Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello?

Whoa-oh!

Pardon me, sir--

Fry, stop. She's gone.

Professor! Don't you remember what I told you? No!

I woke you up early, so we could hang out and do stuff. Like what? I love this job. Me, too.

What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal, and that's what makes us great.

Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo! What are you? Deaf? Whoo! Whoo! (BOTH SNORING) (CHIRPING) (SNORTS)

All right! Hooray! Uh-oh. I'm late for dinner with Leela.

I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me. What's your problem, homes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Chill out, dude. Well, hello, from the neck down. (GIGGLES GIRLISHLY)

That explains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish-- fog hat gray.

You'll give me your hand in marriage Is this really happening or just being staged It can't be real Not if Leela is engaged That isn't what I meant That isn't what I signed You should've checked the wording in the fine Print

Nine. Ten. A big fat hen. The name's Bender.

Which side do you want to be on? The side that kicks your twisted metal ass. Fry! Stay back! He's too powerful! Negative, bossy meat creature. I know now what my primary function is. I am a battle-droid, sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots. I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy!

And by "inconsiderate," I mean... Leela, we're trying to watch TV. Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole? So who's that weird-looking guy? That's a human. What's he do? Usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves. Boring.

Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper. That's it! I'm never helping you again. If anyone except you needs me I'll be in the ship.

(SHUSHING)

Um, okay. Fifty-- six-- ish? Fifty-six? Fifty-six? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you-- you no good fifty-six-ing--

another day of pathetic, forgotten misery. And the winner is--

Hello! Pizza delivery for, uh,

(PIANO PLAYING) My name is Ladybuggle and I huggle all my friends I'm a silly spring named Doingg and my bouncing never ends Doingg, doingg, doingg They call me Princess Num Num I'm as sweet as sticky buns I'm Feffernoose. Hello.

Hey, wait. I'm having one of those things. You know, a headache with pictures. An idea?

Shut up, God! Beg pardon? I want to go back to Robot Earth. I mean regular Earth. Hey, stop that. I command you, you jerk. Just get out. Whoa!

As well as a solid gold fiddle. Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy? Well, it's mostly for show. Do you know how to play the fiddle? No, do you? No, but I used to play the drums. They're sort of similar.

Oh, right, it's Wednesday! Today we're gonna learn spinny kicks! (BOTH CHEERING)

Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

loading their silly catapult with... What is that, Kif? (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) I believe it's a saber-tooth cat, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head. Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. Ah! Looks like someone forgot to feed Max.

Cheers. Cheers. So, tell me about your prospects. You a good gambler? Well, ma'am, I-- What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait a minute. You don't have your own body. No, but I control this arm. Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think I can do better. Wait! Come back, uh, darling. Can't, hon.

I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. (WHOOPING) Look out, world, here I... (GROANS) I'm sorry, Amy, but your body's not up to the task.

You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often though.

At ease, darling. Honored guests and Kif, one of a captain's many superpowers is the ability to conduct marriage. So I will now join myself in holy macaroni. Kif, raise the ceremonial mirror.

You're in the good old year 2000 working here at Pinucci's Pizza.

I remember, I remember! This is what traumatized me. Such a meal to go to waste! And with that... I have closure.

I'm an alien, all right? Let's drop the subject.

In that case, brunch is served. Let's go. Move it out. Stop crying, Leela.

Enough. Oh, no! Hey, wait a minute. He was also a robot? Dude! So a robot fox killed a robot human? I guess that makes it okay.

We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster And we're very, very sorry Why, you selfish little bastards Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed jerk Ow! Then shut your yaps and back to work

(LAUGHS LOUDLY) What's so funny? Nothing. Wait a minute. Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again? What? Me, Bender the robot? There's metal flakes on it. And they look like ass flakes.

Be gentle!

Engage your mandibles and kiss me. Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I...

we will begin with closing statements. Your Honor, the state's case contains not one Kentucky kernel of truth, resting as it does on the contention that my client made a series of bad decisions. However, my client made no such decisions!

Mind if I give the eulogy?

Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here. What could you possibly have in common with this walkin' soup mix? For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell... but lead a rich inner life.

Kiss me. Easy, easy, you're biting my lip. Sorry. Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait a second, I know what's going on here. I'm the monster.

Thank you, Your Majesty. Thanks, ma'am.

So, while you're on the probulator, tell me what brings you to the future. Oh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare and I figured that time was cyclical. Nope, straight line.

I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer. Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah. Now, that's hospital dancing. - Pretty good, eh, Calcy? - Good? I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies!

So you're in pain and have a bunch of needles? I prescribe acupuncture. Let's begin. (SCREAMING) Blood? I mean, blood. Put it back in me!

Come here, Nibbler! Oh, look, Bender, if you want something to do, stop making out and give us a hand. Here. Go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish... so we can impress the neighbors. Yes, sir. I'm on it! Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Oh, Fry, first of all, this is serious. And second of all--

It's that insane robot, Roberto. Quick, Hermes, the keys. I left them in my other body. Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick them in your pancreas till I find one that opens it. (ROBERTO SCREAMING)

And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt. It's even a crummy hologram. I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. Hank Aaron XXIV. Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron was great. No, I was better than great. I was the home run king. Neat!

I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond!

Direct your pity now to the African turtles, seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland.

Fry! I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out?

We didn't need a mechanical washing unit to wash our clothes. We just used a washing machine. And look, you don't need an electric can opener to feed yourself. All you need is a trusty Swiss Army knife. Ow! I'm hungry.

No! I could fit if I didn't have these damn arms.

I love this job. Me, too. Show time! I'll pretend to be dying of space plague. Boo?

It's been quite a journey. I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution. Mon, you had one hell of a day.

Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!

Can do! Leela, you should really try a facial scrub for your pores. Aah!

Collect call from... I'm not giving my name to a machine! I'll accept. Fry's in trouble and he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me. I like you. You do? Look, are you going to help or not?!

Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with--

Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wow. Leela, my love, will you... (SCREAMS) I'll have what she's having.

But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problems. Like our crippling lug nut shortage.

Phew! It is ripe in here. Well, so long, jerks. We are now in minute five of our round-the-clock coverage as we await the return of the courageous robot. (YELLING) (GRUNTING)

I'm never going to get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch? Well, if you don't like that try some Archduke Chocula.

I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!

Uh-oh, I shouldn't have had seconds.

(SNIFFLING) (TEAR CLINKS)

Turanga Leela!

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Want to go around again? I do.

Fifty-three years old? Ohhh! Now I'll need a fake I.D. to rent ultra porn.

It's been an honor to serve under you, sir.

Well, that's my good friend Beck. I'm off to rock a series of mid-level venues. Kudos, Bender. You got mangled, and now you're a singer. Both our dreams came true. Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van... and follow Bender on tour and live there in the van?

Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time.

- Father! The ledge! - Oy! Ohh. The president is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President. No!

One drug company was close, but I arranged... a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets. Made a cool hundred mil. Naturally, I froze myself until a cure was found. And now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top...

Ah. Uh-oh. It's okay. I have an emergency phone. What are you doing? Spluh, it's a video-phone.

Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now And if this world runs out of lovers We'll still have each other Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now

Leave him alone.

We'd love to have you on the team, Bender, but aren't you more on the supply side of crime? Plus, the cream won't give you superpowers. You're a robot. So? I'm already super strong. And my arms do this. Yah!

I'm sorry. She's gone. (SOBBING) Whoo-hoo!

Amy, you won't believe what happened. It was so scary that you wouldn't-- I know, but listen. It gets even scarier. Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened to you? That's what I'm trying to tell you. See--

YANCY SR.: Now bundle up. I don't want you getting frozen.

Look out! We're heading straight for those trees. Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down. Trees down. Cool. What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down.

(SPUTTERING) Well, the bottom's all stocked with cheap stuff. Who's in the mood to party? Whoo! (GROANS) Poor Leela. I feel like I ruined her life. You did ruin her life. You might be right, Hermes. I am right.

Does that mean we can eat now? Yes. But first, since I love you all so much I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry. Oh, uh, but I don't want to.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. (KISSING SOUNDS) (FRY GIGGLING) Hey, smelly-pants. Leela! Leela? Amy? Amy!

That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs.

(BEEPING) (GRUNTS)

Okay, let's clone us some dog. Yeah!

We're going to die!

Bender, they had a backwards time machine! The other place had a lot of good things, too! Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Why, you! Oh, no, you didn't. (ALL GRUNTING) Stop! Somewhere, sometime, Leela is waiting for me.

I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. They're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Damn right!

Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup?

I found a children's space suit you can wear. Well, to be honest, sir I'd rather stay here with Captain Leela. She actually listens to what I have to...

Legion of Benders, come unto me! We have one thing to do. ALL BENDERS: Screw that! Come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one quintillionth of a thing. ALL BENDERS: (SIGHING) All right.

As I mentioned, I was present that night to ensure that Fry fell into the tube. I was standing here. (RUMBLING) The world outside the dream is cracking apart. Like a delicious frozen Charleston Chew! Don't panic. The dream isn't over yet.

Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict. (ALL CLAMORING IN CONFUSION) Oh! Wait, why didn't that hurt? (WOMANLY SCREAM) My wingwang's gone! My girls! My antenna! My kajigger!

Hey, wh-- what?

(BOTH LAUGHING) Well, I may not have a man,

I have these three costumes you could use. But I guess I'll just throw one away. We'd love to have you on the team, Bender, but aren't you more on the supply side of crime?

We've all got to accept that Fry is gone forever. Whoa. Where happened? What am I? Sausage is great, sausage is great. Sausage, sausage, sausage. (SCREAMING)

Holy frijoles! All bow before the great Metal Lord! Worshippers? This oughta liven up my endless, tragic voyage!

What to do, what to do? One 300-dollar hookerbot, or 300 one-dollar hookerbots? I'm gonna swim with a whale! They're the gentle giants of the deep. I'm well aware of that. Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts. This one's lost its pizzazz. A fortune, it is.

Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a three-minute film. My best years are behind me-- so much left undone, so little time.

Two salmon for dinner? What? It's spawning season! It's a bear holiday! That is what you said when you found those Boy Scouts! Next you'll be telling me I can't crap in the woods! That's it! We're hibernating in separate caves this winter!

Don't wait for me. It's non-convergent! Oh, dip! Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum and consume all the matter on Earth. (WORRIED MUTTERING) According to my calculations, there are 11 generations at the moment.

My only outlet was Octouran kung fu. Yi-ah! Ye-ah! Yee! Excellent.

Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer!

I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are.

That's one flashy rock. Indeed, it's pure diamondium. Um, would it be possible to break off a piece and put it in an engagement ring for reasons that are private? Oh, fuff. Nothing in the universe can fracture diamondium, not even God One and God Two put together. But behold!

Have you any idea how it feels to be a fembot... living in a manbot's manputer's world?

Oh, I'm about to lose history's greatest life all because of some useless old people. They're not useless. They can cook ham casserole, and watch TV at incredible volume, and they generate electricity. (GASPS) That's it! (ENGINE STARTS)

But why did you have to blast us with that deafening music? What, you mean the key fob? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ALL: Ahhh!

they'll see I'm not a-- Whoa--

Male, filthy hand, violent temper.

the confidence to be your best.

I'm sorry, Fry but I have to install your career chip. Yeah, well if you're sorry then why are you doing it? It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Big night, eh, Mr. Fry? The biggest, Janos. Check this out. What is that? Some kind of time button? Exactly. If she says yes, I'll use it to make the sunset last as long as we want. Strange things happen when the shadows lengthen.

Move it out. Stop crying, Leela.

I don't know. I should be happy. Bender's sausage just won third place. Third place? This is the greatest injustice Germany has ever committed! Aha, Leela, we meet again. But this time, I'm the one criticizing the sausage. (RUMBLING) (GASPING)

Oh, never mind this. In case I'm about to die, I just want you to know that I did polish my ass with your toothbrush. Thanks for telling me, buddy. And to be honest, I am jealous of how shiny your ass is, and sometimes at night, I unpolish it with sandpaper. Oh, I trust you.

Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone. Moron!

You call that an ink defense? (EXCLAIMS)

Sir, your wife's hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning fast. It takes only five hours to cook a roast. Ooh! That's good news. You know, you really don't cook enough roasts, Leela. Ohh. Women!

Matt will now take questions. But please, only about Futurella, not The Simpsons. Yes? The robot standing on the small child over there? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, when are you going to make a second Simpsons movie? (BENDER GROANS)

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm just going through some things. Ooh! I'm going in. Cop Department will return after these messages.

Life is wonderful! Wait. What are you doing with my stuff? Uh, check bounced. We're taking it all back. Oh, no, my A.T.M. card-- My-My secret PIN number: 1077.

Good news, anyone! The Swedish robot from Pi-Kea is here... with the supercollider I ordered. Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.

Anyone spend the night together? No. No. No. Yep. Kind of. What? Oh, my God. We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another. And it led there again when we got home.

(BEEPING) Oh, no. It's achieved consciousness! God forgive us for creating this.

We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened. Oh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering degree. This is stupid. I'm taking this thing out to the real Moon.

Whew! Whew!

Hey, buddy, I'm from the same time as you.

The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma.

My God, he's become evil. I mean, eviller. Thank you. Thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken-word album. just $18.95. Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine. Bite my shiny metal ass.

Uh-oh. It's okay. I have an emergency phone. What are you doing? Spluh, it's a video-phone. Lucky I'm a member of the Austro-Afro-Antarctico- Amerasian Auto Association.

All dead! Who would have known playing God... could have such terrible consequences?

What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown!

It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-- Ah. There we are. One gravity pump powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so-- Off you go, apparently.

Action Delivery Force, assemble! Ha-ya! Ya! Hoo-oo! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. (CHANTING) (SCREAMS) And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot!

(SOBBING) No free will. Not my fault. Why do you care so much, Bender? I mean, for all we know, humans don't even have free will. Yeah, whatever. Professor, you're my only hope. If you love me even a little, build me some kind of free will unit. A robot free will unit? Impossible!

Mmm-- Mmm-- Uh-- Uh-- Now, this is why I prefer your nonstick robots. Oh.

That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light. Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208. Also impossible. And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner which delivers 200% fuel efficiency. Oh, that's especially impossible.

Bender, that's some played-out, new jack horse crap. But I know you don't mean it, so apology accepted. So, I can, uh, keep the check? Over my dead career! Well, it was worth a shot.

(SCREAMING) (GASPS) (CONTINUES SCREAMING)

The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air. Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air. Then, he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear? Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story.

Who wants lobster bisque? Hmm?

Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

What?

I've got some musing to do. Oh, geez. I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81. You mean Brannigan's Law?

Unit 47! My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took it out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed!

You're watching Futurama,

Now it's time for my song. When I was two there was a tidal wave in... Aw!

I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty. (GRUNTS) Oh, God! I clicked without reading! And I slightly modified a thing that I own! We're monsters! (BOTH SOBBING)

I suddenly realized I'd forgotten to lock the ship. (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (LOCK BEEPS) We then went out for a well-earned libation.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Admit it! You're disgusted by me! No, you're disgusted by me! I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been! Prove it! (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

MAN: Just the two of us We can make it if we try Just the two of us Uh... What about...

- I don't understand. - Yes, you do. You came back in time to knock me into that freezer. And now, I came back in time to stop you. I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability. But I know you in the future. I-i cleaned your poop. Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers. You will meet me when I'm a thousand years older.

I'm not sure. I lost track around the second robot.

Fry, you dope. You've really screwed the granny this time. History needed that second lantern.

Be you robot or human?

(GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it. (GASPS) He really is gone! Everyone, put on your taking-off caps. Our what? It's a sign of respect, you savage!

(LAUGHING) I'll show those G.I. Zapps once and for all when I fire this surface-to-air m... NIXON: Warning shot. Excellent plan, Profestro. That'll blow them straight to he... NIXON: Church.

One more hit, and we're done for! Let's take him out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3-- Thanks a lot, Takei! Now everybody knows!

We can avoid humanity's mistakes. Like the tuba. Yes! We'll be like Adam and Eve. Only without the tuba. And we'll beget little Zapp junior. And Leela junior. And they'll have kids of their... Yuck! Is that really what happened in the Bible? It's a sick and twisted book of holiness, all right. Then we'll write our own Bible.

Huh? Hey! Quit it! Hi-yah! Foiled. And after years of planning. You're out of the gang.

Now, listen up. I got a little boy at home, and he's dying. Dying to see me kill these two. (ALL HOOTING) Oh, your son's going to die, all right... But from neglect. 'Cause you're going home in an urn. A funerary urn.

For this demonstration - I've placed one of Mother's bras on ignor. The robot controller is nestled here in the left cup. Never fear. My magic fingers still know how to do their stuff. To escape the robot death squads we'll take Mother to her rustic cabin in the Bronx.

Super King has no need for loved ones.

Oh, no! My beautiful money! It got ruined in the wash. Mine too. Even my change. Get lost, you moneyless hippies! You heard him, freaks. We don't like your type around here. These are the types we like.

What's the matter compressor? Nothing's the matter, Fry, now that I've turbocharged the matter compressor. (SIGHS) Instead of making the ship faster, how about installing some seat belts? Seat belts are dead weight. I feel the need for speed! Yes, but I feel the nafety for safety.

pre-life!

Well, here we are, trapped for eternity. We could sing "American Pie." Go ahead. I deserve it. I wish those stupid raccoons had never brought me to the future.

Another shocking twist! Yes! And I have a message for you from Colonel Matombay.

It's my first time. I'm really nervous. Robot House!

Perhaps the professor's files can clear things up. Let's see, citation for public nudity conspiracy to commit public nudity. Aha! A new will naming... you as his sole heir! That doesn't prove I killed him. It's a video will. It shows you killing him.

Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel. And we're on it now! I get it! (ZAPP YODELING)

Fry, however, does not.

Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog... and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty.

Then why didn't you give me any? I thought it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious. So, you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water?

Far out. So there's an infinite number of parallel universes? No. Just the two. Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough. I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me. Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy.

"Plan"? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot, dry sex.

Put on the hat, Guenter. You're the only one who can save us. Stupid monkey.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!

Look, everyone loves killing people but I don't want to hurt my friends. Humph! Ooh! Oh, no! It's midnight! Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good.

We just got one of these. Rejected!

Welcome!

Yeah, right on, nutcake. Parole officer says I gotta upgrade... or he won't give me back my stabbin' knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much, I know it won't affect me.

Oh, thanks, Bender. Hey, too tight, too tight!

You are cold and deceased Are you still half insane P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets But the years went by and Pharaoh died Susie went and joined him in the afterlife--

Flexo? What are you doing in a hazardous-waste bin? Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile... Who were you talking to? No one. Your mama. Shut up. Take your pick.

Ah. Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers. Oh, those were the days. Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.

Michelle, baby. It's not working out, Fry.

I do not want to shoot anybody. You never want to do anything! Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch!

But they're so cute. No, you can do this. It's just like murdering a little butler. I-- I can't look. Oh, no! What have I done?

That was almost the perfect crime but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors... but paper covers rock and scissors cuts paper. Kiff, we have a conundrum.

I am Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate, Commander of the Harlem Globetrotters. For generations, your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter home world. But now, for no reason, we challenge you to defend your honor... on the basketball court.

I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Don't you have a self-destruct button? Yeah... but it's on my body.

Give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlor, because one of you is a miniature shipwrecker. I'm acting astonished.

Here's to another lousy millennium.

All right, Amy, you win! The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. (SOBBING) I'm scared and great at sex. Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.

We'll have to shoot it again. No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. But this guy Was-- Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer. Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah.

Huh! Didn't hurt that time.

You know you did it! You know you did it! Quiet! Quiet, I say!

Plus, the government will help out with a small stipend of $100 a week! A hundred dollars a week!

Hang on. If we're delivering a package to criminals, I want to know what's in it. I have no idea, Leela. But I'll tell you the same thing they told me, "Stop asking questions, old man, "and we'll slip you an extra five grand "that your crew doesn't need to know about." (GRUNTING) Now, listen carefully.

So, you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water? (GROANING) Not exactly. You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky and a generous assortment of fine chocolates. I wanted to offer you the chocolates.

(EXCLAIMING WITH JOY) Hooray! A happy ending for the rich people!

We now commend Fry's body to the ages.

Bender, I really hope that's you, 'cause if it isn't, we're in trouble.

Guys! You'll never believe what happened! First, I was God. Then I met God. We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks!

Futurama is brought to you by...

Whoa. A real-live robot. Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

Sure, baby, I know it.

I wish those stupid raccoons had never brought me to the future. I have shocking data relevant to this conversation. We don't care, you dope. We're in another universe. You're not in charge anymore. It is possible for the Philip Fry to resume his life... on December 31, 1999. Really? I can go back in time?

FRY: Say good-bye to your forehead, because I'm going to shoot you in it! Not if I leap in front of your death ray, and I am going to do that. Jumping sound! Ow! I didn't shoot yet. As usual, your delivery arrived too soon.

Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

Please insert girder. You're right. Nothing is over as long as there's one thin ray of hope. Lost something? I should have known you'd come here rather than follow proper procedure. And I did know, and that's why I came here. Listen, Morgan, we're through. You're an evil, heartless woman and I never want to see you again.

Yeah, well, I'm going to go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park.

Whoo! Zapp Brannigan you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.

Hey! A friend of mine said he mugged you today and you had superpowers! It's true, thanks to this funky fresh cream. Now me and Leela are forming an awesome crime fighting duo. Wow! Crime fighting. Cool! And you say you're a duo? Yeah, duos are good. Of course, sometimes they're a little shorthanded.

Hey, let me try it. Whoa, that gives me a headache.

Here's to us poor schmoes... working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man. Mm. I've computed our landing coordinates, Captain. Thanks, Kiff. Very nice work.

That's okay. I don't really like cards. What I'll remember is our time together.

spreading chronitons throughout our systems! We're getting younger by the minute! What? I'm gonna revert... through all my larval stages? Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger... until we suffer a fate worse than death-- pre-life! Then death.

I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the-- Hey, what's the dillio? Your upgrade is complete. But I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups. Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Oof. If that stuff wasn't real,

They're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Damn right! The fact is, humans are completely harmless. We're well aware of that.

Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers. Squeezers? Squeezers! They're clamps, you (BLEEP)! And if I want to (BLEEP)-ing snip with these clamps, I will snip with these (BLEEP)-ing clamps!

This isn't Yemeni! it's Sulawesi! And my cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!

Shh. Be very quiet. We're in the ear. Okay, Professor. What? What about what?

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer. Hello? Hello? I'll take eight.

Melllvar's got a spaceship! Yes! In mint condition! And you made me take it out of the package!

I love you. Washbucket has always loved you. This is wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment. In another city, we could be anyone we want!

I'm disappointed in you too, Angleene. Bender, it's-it's not what you think. Oh, God, then it's worse than I think! Now look, there is no reason to be upset. Flexo and I are divorced. Div-- Huh? We're just havin' dinner 'cause we wanna stay friends. Ah, I knew that.

What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking? FARNSWORTH: (GASPS) It's an albino humping worm. Why do they call it that? Because it doesn't have any pigment.

Hey, the TV's getting away! And that's why the third graders at P.S. 139 are Morbo's "vermin of the Week."

(AGREEING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE) This actual peace treaty is hereby enacted. Agnew, give it your stamp of approval.

There's no such thing as whatever you're saying. Ow, ow, ow! Whoa, maybe you're right. I only meant to slap you twice. All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. Who you gonna call? Gho... The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.

(SQUAWKING) Gadzooks! Bender's hard drive no longer contains any of his old memories! When the Feds bumpkinized him, they completely wiped out his old identity! (ALL GASP) Well, I don't know about that, but who am I to argue with a man from the sky?

Your Honor, I move for a mistrial on grounds of double jeopardy! Cubert Farnsworth cannot be tried twice for the same crime. (ALL GASP) (SQUAWKS) Cubert is the Professor's clone, ergo, they are legally the same person.

somehow, I feel she's near me. Very near! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh no! The kajigger of Gibraltar!

The culprits: shameless poachers... hunting humans without a permit.

Ahh. I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo!

Ooh! Baby soft. Indeed. Dr. Zoidberg! Hermes, my friend. Let me cut off your umbilical cord. (SNAPPING) Oops. FRY: And the rest! Hooray! We're back in business.

(ZAPPING) You stink, loser. Yeah, yeah.

No one makes fun of my nose. Yee-aah! Ooh! Damn. You guys were totally out of control.

C-SPAN9 presents the Thrill of Politics.

Even in these formal shorts, I feel like a failure.

English, please? A fight to the death. And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.

Engage your mandibles and kiss me.

Leela. But I didn't even limbo. No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get.

Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist.

What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please, just concentrate on staying alive.

Unfortunately, a corn dog bone got lodged in the control panel of the Spizzler and I had to ride it for eight hours. Sorry. But it did give me a chance to think.

Sometimes fate has other plans. (BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh! Nuts. You shot me! You miserable dingus! And now the part I didn't show you.

Huddled together in fear, like lice in a burning wig. Wait a second. Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten, after all. What are you talking about, you crouton? You said it yourself. Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart. But don't you see? Fear has brought us together.

You sure you don't want to kill all humans?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"? No. "Funderful"? "Non-alcoholic"? - Stop it, mon. - Bender. - Quit it. - Enough already.

MAN ON RADIO: And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling. (MOTORCYCLE REVVING) At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with Shut Up and Love Me.

I sure wish they could come with us. (ALARM BLARING) Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Go it! Fastly! (ENGINE CRANKING) It won't start. The batteries are dead.

Look, Yancy, it's your baby brother Philip. I wanna be named Philip! Me Philip! Me Philip! Son, your name is Yancy, just like me and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.

We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.

I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm. This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Right up until my third heart attack.

Come on, Fry. Get up. Ah...

All right, all right, I'll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you.

When she saw that ramblin' man He was tall and dark and shiny And a native Mexican That sleazy rambler sounds an awful lot like you, Bender.

(SCREAMING) Whew! That was close. (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Whew! Ahhh! (GRUNTS)

It's just not the same here without Bender to keep me company. Hey, I'm here. That's gotta count for something.

There were no survivors.

How far away do you think it is? A trillion miles?

You're nothing but a big blowhard.

Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil? In a second. I'm eavesdropping. Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough. I said not now! Sure, I know a guy.

What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo! Who are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wiener? If that's his pizza, then I'm Icy Whatever.

Digby? Nibbler? What is going on here? Why is a Nibblonian trying to blow us up?

My God! Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man! It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Do you understand the charges? One beep for "yes," two beeps for "no." Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty? Double yes. Guilty! I will now carry out the sentence. Kif, my gun. Wait! He pled "not guilty." Order! Order in the court!

Ow! I need a calculator. You are a calculator. I mean, a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper-- I'm gettin' a hundred bucks a kid, and they're costin' me 110! Ugh. There goes my new kitchen cabinets.

We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.

But I am already in my pajamas.

I don't even have a job. Oh, right. I was supposed to assign you a job. Let me just get your career chip installed. Hold out your palm. What are you scared of? It's just like getting your hand pierced.

Uh, in theory, perhaps but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous. Aw, crap.

He's gyroscopically stable.

$60,000. Oh, I will have to ask my manager. Amy, you don't go up from the sticker price. I thought it was an auction. He is not too happy. I'm sorry. $80,000?

Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

Is there Mrs. Queequeg?

Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do.

Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude. Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote.

Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if this second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did? Well, who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years. Exactly. It's none of our concern. That's the 20th- century spirit.

You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. Get lost, Pavarotti. Nooo Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn,

What? We're goin' back to civilization... to wage war on technology! What?

Next patient!

What's this? Two meals in one week? Got you! Sucker! Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me.

Fry! If I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position! None of that "huddled over for warmth" crap. Behold! The Monastery of Deshuba.

Freedom!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. (KISSING SOUNDS) (FRY GIGGLING) Hey, smelly-pants. Leela! Leela?

I failed at my lifelong dream again. How can I be so bad at everything I try, and still be so great? Bender, you have a lovely baritone, and you sure can strum that plastic guitar. But you can't write a real folk song about experiences you haven't had.

At last. Once we give robots free will, they're sure to rise up and threaten mankind with extermination. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (CHUCKLING) Wait a minute. It sounds like we're getting the short end of that extermination. Don't you see, you doddering young fool?

Poor, nasty, mean old Bender. I can't believe we'll never hear his evil laugh again. (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Everyone's fired, and we're out of business. Oh, no! I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward. BENDER: Ooh! Ooh! And then Calculon said, "No, no. No!" And then I ate some excellent meatballs. Can I have my 50 bucks now? I enjoyed your story, especially the tasteful love scene,

And Hermes returns from his vacation today. Good morning, people. Hey, Hermes. Good to see you. Yo. My man. So, how was the Spleef Nebula? The flight had a stopover on the brain slug planet. Hermes liked it so much he decided to stay of his own free will. Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He's got a brain slug on his head.

Adios! (CHUCKLES) And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... His compartment? (GROANS) All right. I'll need accomplices.

Captain Musky? I wouldn't want to follow that guy.

My kajigger!

All right, here's the battle plan. We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard somebody does some clamping then we heist the cigars and go home. And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that.

Huh! I never even knew you had an ass. (MUTTERING ANGRILY) Hmm. According to this, it shipped out on a freighter from South Street Spaceport.

Move forward! Walk into the light! Oh, God! I'm dead!

How about--

By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone, leaving behind nothing but a history of failure and my original hip bones. You see, I've been lying about my age. I'm not actually 150. I'm 160. Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth.

I'm catching the next pimpmobile out of here but before I go, I have one thing to say. Bite my shiny... metal... Stop! You can't say the next word. Up yours, chump. I said it 906 times before lunch.

Is it just me, or is the world ending more often these days?

Let's go already!

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Your aft-plate. Its fiery gleam saved a ship full of South Beach swabbies. Well, I do polish it every day, and I sleep in a chamois diaper. It's 100 times more reflective than the mirror in my beacon. Might I keep it for the lighthouse? What? No!

Alcazar, I used to be a baby. It might have been me.

Change places!

Now I'm comin' for to shoot him down Lord, Lord Comin' for to shoot him down Guess I'll go back to the railroad camp now. That's weird, he sounded a lot like Bender's folk song. Not a lot like Bender's folk song,

Mighty Femputer, small girl steal green kissy man. We kill her now?

Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault. I am so great. Bender is great

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Oh... I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. They're my friends.

We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks.

Steady. Steady. Now!

My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth, and you killed them! Is that it? Admit it!

Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy!

Hmm? Looks like you're retaining water.

I am a being of pure solar energy. My race inhabits the nuclear inferno of the sun's photosphere. You're a chatty little fire, aren't ya? A billion years ago, I attempted to overthrow the democratically elected alderman from my district.

We stole it! Oh, crumb! What? What's going on? I'll tell you what! Our boys have taken up stealing-- one of the worst and coolest of crimes! And all from watching you on TV, ya cool jerk!

Grandpa's making up crazy stories again. I'm not your grandpa. You're my uncle. From the year 2000!

Dean Epsilon, I know all about your "Department of Pool Boy Studies." And Dr. WOrnstrum...

Hey, Bender. Bust it Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah yeah, yeah MMm!

I'm happy Bender can finally feel my pain. Happy... I like this feeling. just don't revert to your usual mopey self. I'm not mopey. You shut up. Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!

No! Look, one eye. Count them: One. Not human.

Uh, Leela? Stop bothering me, Fry. I need full concentration.

I won't be gone long, Seymour. just wait here till I come back.

Hmm.

Now, that's a name I can trust. Run down to the Central Battle Computer and enter these codes. Chop-chop. Ooh. Ooh. Um, sir, there's something about that ensign that's-- You're damn right there is. That strapping young lad's gunning for your job, and he just might get it.

Wow! Those fireflies are going nuts. Come here. I've always wanted to make love by bug-light. Shmoly crap! We've got to get Fry and Leela out of this habitat before they humiliate themselves. Please, Amy, the act of love is a beautiful and natural... Oh, my God, cover your eyes!

Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say.

I'm not your grandpa. You're my uncle. From the year 2000!

Now I can punch you in the nose in the dark. Where'd it go? Hey, Professor, what's all this groop... blurking out of the machine? That? It's, uh, nothing. Yes, nothing. If you think it's anything, you're a suspicious moron.

Dance, slave, dance.

He's the evil Bender.

ALL: Oh! Popsicles. Fill your gaping mouth with a Popsicle. Leela, you're alive. Is that how you and your friends are dressing now? Hello, everyone.

They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging killbots. Wow. A grim day for robotkind. But we can always build more killbots.

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

And you, my faithful fiend, how can I ever repay you? And zat, little one, is how Papa gained his freedom. Now, bonne nuit. Bonne nuit to you all.

Ten! Neuf! Otto! Sabaa! Eksi! Wu! Chaar! Thathu! Ni! One!

Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat. Pardon me, sir--

Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm a genius. Ow! Ow! Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird? Zoidbee want balloon. Want balloon now! Zoidbee want go outside! Ah, I just let you back in!

like poor little Shelly here. What could you possibly have in common with this walkin' soup mix?

(PANTING) Professor, help. The hero of my folk song tried to run me down, and Fry refused to save me. That doesn't sound like me. Fry? But you just... I'll figure it out later. But first, I'll kill you! Bender, stop. We've been trying to warn you all night.

Yes! Right in the Ike!

Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're trapped in this time period. Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Crazy sucker. Phil, you're hype! That was ice-cold, bro. Fry, if I ever see you try anything that crazy again, this crew might just have some new parachute pants!

Two fuzzy navels comin' up. I hope they can make change for a fortune. Yo, get an eyeload of that filthy scab with the beard... Flashin' his filthy scab money. It's an insult to you, boss. Yeah. That cash oughta be slushin' my fund and kicks-in' my back. I'm greasin' up my whoozits.

Oops. The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains. Fools should have known it's fatal for anyone but robots and Billy Dee Williams. So, if I don't shoot Bender all my other friends will die?

No, no, listen. It's time to get on with your life. (SNIFFLES) But she was my life. BENDER: Aw! What? Hey, what about your lifelong dream? Didn't you always want to surf the world's greatest sewers? Yeah, and Fry and Bender can go with you.

Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Behold once more the mighty Clone-O-Mat,

It will be a rich, full day.

He would never burn something down to get attention. For insurance money? Yes. Revenge? You bet. To give an autumn night that crisp chestnutty smell? Absolutely. But not for fame, women or thrills. Hey, guys, it's me, Bender. The famous, sexy, thrilling hero.

Look! A starling! Really? Shh. Be very quiet. We're in the ear. Okay, Professor. What? What about what? Uh, what if we go for a walk, possibly, because it's such a lovely day, perhaps.

Look, son, I know I give you the business sometimes, but if I'm hard on you, it's only 'cause I want you to grow up strong and resilient. Some day, you may face adversities so preposterous, I can't even conceive of them. But I know you'll pull through and make me proud. I love you, son.

Next, assume my social obligations. Dr. Zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to your robot.

Sounds like your kind of place, Fry. Want to go? Nah. If I ever want to go back to the year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again. Come on, Fry. I really wanna see it.

Leela, you may be a formidable doer of the nasty but I am forced to relieve you of your post. On what grounds, you slobbering oaf? Failure to prevent a mutiny.

You dumb bastards! You see, the plan is about to enter phase two.

Oh! Wait, why didn't that hurt? (WOMANLY SCREAM) My wingwang's gone! My girls! My antenna! My kajigger! My gonopores! Look it up.

Look, Kif, I probably am the mother-- although maybe I'm not. Of course, I hope I am, but just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test. A test! I demand a test!

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS) (GRUNTING)

Oh! Did my bodily infirmity embarrass you? Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady. You mean, like my penis? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Admit it! You're disgusted by me! No, you're disgusted by me! I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been!

How do you plead? Not inno-guilty-cent. BENDER: And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon," and then Calculon said, "No!" I think we've heard enough. Wait, I'm not finished. "O!" Now I'm finished.

I'm inside the dummy to rescue you! Well, that answers that. Wait... Amy? (GROANING) LEELA: Bender, be careful! Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) FRY: I guess we should have waited in the ship.

God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish. You know full well I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.

So, if Bender had sung about, I don't know,

(COUGHING) Bender, do you mind? I'm roosting.

Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed... Computation complete. Not guilty! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Bender! You got away with things!

Yes. We tore the universe a new space-hole all right, but it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to get back to our own time... is to go back through it within, oh, say... exactly 24 hours.

Oh, I don't believe my broken eyes! It's Bender, the washboard player! Hey, man, we caught your concert from here. You rock! Oh-- Oh, Bender, sign my chest! It's in that bin behind me. Yo, brother! Thanks for showin' that broken robots are still useful.

Uh-oh. Oh! If only we had a toboggan. Faster! Faster!

Nah, don't ruin it. I'm loving the hypocrisy. It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever. You know I hate lying. But those orphans were so proud of me, I couldn't bear to let them down. (SCOFFS) At least Reverend Pickens had the dignity to jump out the whorehouse window with his pants around his ankles.

I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me.

Huh? (GASPS) "S.O.S."? Those are the letters that Fry knows! He's alive!

Ick! Oh. How about this one?

If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive, violent temper of course you're going to be lonely.

Remarkable! According to the high-precision digital chronograph... it's july 9, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into... this pinup calendar.

Now, get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona-- The Gender Bender. I'm a real toughie. Squaring off this Sunday, versus... Destructor.

You'll never pardon anybody because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time. Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me.

Your Honor, that facility has been full... ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness. Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about... are the people who tend to my pores at the spa. just send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go.

(GROANS) (VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYING) ...and those are today's high scores. Linda?

Is there anything religion can do to help me find my friend? Well, we could join together in prayer. Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we can do? No.

Mail call! Amy, here's your designer lingerie catalog Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade And, Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet. You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever. And for Bender-- uh-oh-- a black-bordered envelope.

I didn't mean it about the cape. Capes are cool!

Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine-meshed screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

I'm Bender! (SOBBING) There, there, man. It's gonna be okay. You are Bender, which is something Inspector 5 will never be. You know what? You're right. He was just a stupid bureaucrat. A stupid, paper-pushing bureaucrat.

Flexo? What's goin' on? Did, um-- Oh! Flexo!

Come on, lighten up. What is this, a funeral? Heart. Take. I've got four of them. Stomach contents: one deviled egg. Deviled egg? The same deviled egg.

It's a forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. First I'll say, "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it." And they'll say, "Who, Bender, who?" And I'll say... "It was lovable old Bender."

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Wouldn't it take millions of years to evolve into mermaids? Normally, yes. But the caffeine really sped things up. That stuff's wonderful.

FARNSWORTH: The year one billion. I've got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for! Nope. In fact, all life is extinct. So let's keep going forward.

But things eight feet tall aren't cute. That's why my colossal Tammy Tinkle doll was such a failure. Oh! You don't understand me! We're finished!

What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die! I know, right? I'd murder him good, if only I was still alive. Hmm...

I joined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins, not to hunt them. This time the two are one and the same. Now, are you with us, or are you gonna let innocent penguins suffer? Oh, God, it's inhuman! It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it!

Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans.

Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Uuh! You're the best, babe. Hang on. Call comin' in. What's that?

They're hideous!

FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone.

Whoo. I've been through the adventure of a lifetime. Ow! I'm back, baby.

Options? We have only one option. Protocol 62. Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas. Then Protocol 63 it is.

ALL: Good war, good war, good war...

I'm up to something here.

Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willin' to kill for-- jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's weed whacker. But at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for-- this mindless turtle. Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.

Yes! Footprints! And handprints?

My ice cream Manwich!

Good night, Hubert.

We flipped a coin before the debate, and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.

This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also life.

Quit your braggin'! My boyfriend's alive too! Oop, not anymore.

I am Melllvar! Seer of the Tapes! Knower of the Episodes! Tremble before my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek! Tremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more about Star Trek than me! I beg to differ!

Hmm. All ancient satellites were swept up as space junk in 2113.

One month, two weeks, one hour,

No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house.

Ahh, beer. So many choices-- and it makes So little difference. How about LÖbrau? It has dots on it. Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot. I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody. Waah-waah. Baby wants a Zima.

Seymour!

Anupsis! Pleotut! What's-his-name!

Can't we just send our avatars?

Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if was wearing a lime green tank top. Bam!

Soon enough. That's not soon enough.

and I am gonna lead you to the top in this industry of-- of-- Package delivery. Package delivery? Oh, God! Fantastic!

Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you just gonna stare vacantly at her and not say anything? I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive-- Philip J. Fry. Did you hear that? She likes me.

I try to get out, but they keep pullin' me back in! Wangle a new dangle on life No, Bender! The other way! I like him better this way. I'm sad now. Eh, it's fine.

Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let me give you something to help you relax. Yah-ahh! Look, there's been a terrible mistake. I'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.

Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

Kill them before they bring down our whole society. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Oh... I can't kill them.

Collect call from... I'm not giving my name to a machine!

(PULSING) Here's the deal. We'll induce a dream state in which Fry will reenact the day of December 31, 1999.

Astonishing. I must have created a parallel universe. Balder-crap. I created your universe. All you created was my fist parallel to your face. Ow.

Look out, Earth.

And that's how we learned our lesson.

Did someone say something about a free hot meal?

You can't! You're stuck in an infinite loop. An infinite loop? I don't have time for that!

Oh, no, my A.T.M. card-- My-My secret PIN number: 1077.

Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all, you're completely alone.

But here's a disturbing reminder: Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.

Congo jack! Another shocking twist! Yes! And I have a message for you from Colonel Matombay.

Game's over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

That plot makes perfect sense, wink, wink. Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud. I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Have a good one!

A cursory glance would suggest they've doubled his thinking power.

(GROANS) Oh, Delivery-Boy Man! You saved me by random chance! Don't thank random chance. Thank my meteor-wishing power, with your lips. Good ending. Not great.

Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.

You're all nuts. Shut up. Let me talk. You shut up, please. No, you shut up, please. Popplers are no smarter than any other animal I've served and that includes cats. Caca-head. Mean old caca-head. Sir, I'm making a point.

I did my hair the way you wanted it.

Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've got a herd of you-know-whats for sale. Let me check. Oh, aren't you a cutie? About 35 pounds. What?

No. See, he knew you left everything to your parakeets in your will. He was going to murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone. Classic move. Aw, yeah.

It looks like a pair of clamps. (SQUEAKING)

Hey, Bender. Hey, Bender. Hey, Bender. Hey, Bender. Bust it Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah

Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it. For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting, finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! You, boy. What do they call you?

Get the humanoid. Get the intruder. Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

(SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack. Yep, I was right.

ROBOT GOD: Walk toward the light, Bender. BENDER: Man, do I have to walk? No! (LAUGHING) Huh?

Guess I'll go back to the railroad camp now. That's weird, he sounded a lot like Bender's folk song. Not a lot like Bender's folk song, exactly like, et cetera, et cetera. His song is coming true somehow. Oh, my God, reality is infringing Bender's copyright.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(BUZZER SOUNDING) Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process. Matt will now take questions. But please, only about Futurella, not The Simpsons. Yes? The robot standing on the small child over there? (EXCLAIMS) Yeah, when are you going to make a second Simpsons movie?

Bite my shiny... metal...

Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say.

You're going to do his laundry?

(BENDER RAZZING) That tap-dancing, decadent jazz-baby is too fast for us! Let's see him outrun a V-2!

I am not a crook's head. Yeah, you are. You stole my body!

Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box, but 'tain't no need to fear me. Aah! I'm sorry. I thought you was corn. Now, would you please point at that robot over there?

Moron!

(SCATTING) Oh! I like your nerd glasses.

(GROANING) You see, after re-trapping you and before feigning unconsciousness, I paused to enjoy a cigar. Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit, so I went in search of brandy. That's when my keen senses detected the still-invisible ship. (EXCLAIMS)

I could solve this crime if only I had personally watched it happen.

Deal with it.

I'm done siphoning out the grease trap. I think I need a mint. So, uh, what job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy? Bam! Yeah... bam yourself.

Oh, Greenland is A barren land A land that bears no green where there's ice and Snow and the whalefishies blow Captain, please, have some liquor.

Aaah! Who are you, and why should I care?

Wait a second. Here comes Leela! They have her totally outnumbered. I can't believe it. She's risking her life for me after the way I treated her?

This experiment will determine what food, if any, the alien eats. A buffet! Oh, if only I had my wallet with me.

There was Candy, the raunchy by-the-books navigator, Lifter, the devastatingly handsome forklift, and Captain Lando Tucker, a dedicated young man with no characteristics.

Thanks for saving me from that creep, Fry. Hey, that's what I do. I guess I was so desperate to find out who I really was I forgot who I really was. No harm done. In the many decades you'll work to repay me for that shipment of popcorn you destroyed you'll have plenty of time to search for your true home.

You don't have to do that. I'm still seduced from before.

(GROWLING) You lousy son of a... (TRAP UNLATCHES) I get it. You freed me. You lousy son of a... We're hot on his heels. A-ha!

It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time... and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather. I did do the nasty in the past-y.

So? I'm just as important as him. It's just that the kind of importance I have, it doesn't matter if I don't do it. Oh! I'm nobody.

you're too damn bright!

Oh, Xmas tree, oh, Xmas tree Ba-boo-be-boo, bah-be-boh... Ow! Every Christmas, my mom would get a fresh goose for gooseburgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

We live to suck another day! Huh? Oh! We are just as good as any of those other crews you sent to their deaths. What's the mission? Collecting honey. Ordinary honey. That doesn't sound so dangerous. This is no ordinary honey!

Hey, want to go skinny dipping by the light of the fireflies? Leela! Somebody might see Wingus and the Ping Pong boys! No, it's just the two of us. Come on!

Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry. We've got to murder that whale, or die trying. This has gone too far. Bender's one of Planet Express's most expensive appliances. And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and...

Mutants!

Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.

Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed. (SIGHS) I guess it's for the best. BENDER: Whoo... The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender. Say what? Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be,

I love you so much, Angleene, I want you to be happy, no matter what. But what are you sayin'? I'm sayin' I've got an unbendable girder to bend. You can't bend that girder. It's unbendable! Well, I don't know anything about lifting,

(BEEPING ACCELERATING) The machines, they're after me. You're suffering from machine phobia. Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed. (SIGHS) I guess it's for the best. BENDER: Whoo... The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender. Say what?

What is that? Mustard gas? That ain't legal. Ain't you heard of no Geneva Convention?

Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone.

Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. Ow! Quit it, Earth. We won't even have to leave New New York. The package is going to Long Long Island. Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style villa of the Donbot. The Donbot? The vicious Robot Gangster?

(SCATTING)

Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that. Where am I, anyway? You're traveling in a specially equipped terrestrial transport module. A school bus.

Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis 12, but it's been completely destroyed. Why is that good news? They paid in advance.

You sold my body?! To who?! I can't reveal that information but you look like a nice robot. Tell you what-- I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid. Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks. Deal.

Oh, WOW, it's totally retro. Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore.

There'll never be another like him. Let's hire someone better.

There's no such thing as two. I know what this is about. My body loved me and I turned its back on it. Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon 'round your neck 'cause I'm a-comin' home.

will you... (SCREAMS) I'll have what she's having. (CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, God. I ruined everything. I blew my one chance to... Hey, wait a second.

I'm no good at being a slave. I'm thinkin' about graduate school. You know, to become a barber. This can't go on.

Grab on! We're saved! Appreciate it, Guenter.

Leela, meet your future husband, Sal. Eeh! Nice eyeball, eyeball. Nice ass, ass. Ooh, sparks.

Whoops!

The common cold died out 500 years ago, and subsequently, humanity lost all resistance to its ravages, but the virus survived in you, frozen for 1,000 years. Huh. So it was hiding deep down inside of me, like my skeleton bones? Give it to us straight, Professor. How incredibly deadly is it?

You know what else I could use? A weekend at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone. Huh?

Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present. It's Santa, and we got him cornered. Oh, I smell a juicy promotion for me. And a juicy rehiring back onto the force for me. Hey, wh-- what?

and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather. I did do the nasty in the past-y. Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe. So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Yoo-hoo! Boys! What's this era in human history like? The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead.

No way. This secret goes to my grave. The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward. BENDER: Ooh! Ooh! And then Calculon said, "No, no. No!" And then I ate some excellent meatballs. Can I have my 50 bucks now?

Odor at magnitude eight.

Ah, the 67th Amendment. I may be a simple country hyper-chicken, but I know when we're finger-licked. What do you say we plead insanity? A few months in an insane asylum? I could do that standin' on my head.

Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived. Xmas!

When I pull the switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner. But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane! It is for the witnesses because it's not boring.

I can't believe this. Bender's supposed to murder his closest friend which I thought was me, but he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me. Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot. Stop rubbing it in.

We're done putting on the bra. Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date? What business is it of yours? You're using an awful lot of makeup there. This is deodorant. What does it do? Come on in, Gary.

Harder! Till the sin explodes out of you! Mmm. Mercy. Okay, the Lord's work is done. Now, now, cuddle. Cuddle with your demons.

If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society. Look, no offense, but I need technology, especially e-mail and snowmobiles... and television! Without television, how will I know what's buzz worthy? Why would you want to watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Hello? Anybody home?

Is Munda here? Mommy's not home, big boy. We both know you're just using her to get to me. So let's do it right here by the front door at 7:59. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Leela, does your mother know you're using her pole?

Does anybody else feel aroused and jealous and worried? I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died. Death sphere in range.

Go, Bender. Go, Bender. Go, Bender.

Hello? Anybody? Fry? (EXCLAIMS) Bender? Are you in here? In here is the only place I'm not! (LAUGHING EVILLY) I amuse myself.

Damn. One rock short of rescue!

Hey, I have a cool idea. Create a duplicate Bender, so when Big Caboose kills it, it's not real, it's duplicate. Oh! Oh! They did that on Star Trek, TNG. Cram it, nerd. I'm not going to just copy some feel-good TV show wrap-up. (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) I can think of a hundred endings that'll save you.

The alien mother ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bull's-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do? Ask her to mate with me.

Take me to hell for all eternity, just as long as my little bearded meat bag gets to live. That he will not, for you see, it is your fate to kill him. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Says you. I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life.

Party on. No! We're ruined! They know our disgusting secret! Oh, no...!

Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam! Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome! It's not ironic. It's just coincidental. Now, fork over those lady fingers, cookie! You know, I only put my name on there... as a show of good faith for the other robots.

Oooh! Ohh!

It's an actual, factual robot hell. Who would have thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New jersey? Actually...

Was Planet Express built on an Indian graveyard? No. No? No. Then... Then... it was you.

D'oh! Hey. Kif, hold on!

We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties and crap like I've never seen.

(SCREAMING) (ALL GASPING)

It worked! You're one sexy man-- Philip J. Fry. It worked perfectly!

What's this chair-looking gizmo? (HONKING)

I'm the sausage champion! (WHOOPING) No further questions!

That tap-dancing, decadent jazz-baby is too fast for us! Let's see him outrun a V-2!

Of all the zoos we've been to today, I like this one the best.

Male, filthy hand, violent temper. Accepted again! No!

Calculon? No way! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan, and I've got a big camera.

But what if he wants to-- I mean, if he tries to, uh-- Barry White?

Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty grub. The laws of science be a harsh mistress.

Whoa. A real live spaceship. I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used.

Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back. What? Really? No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.

Hey, I should be mad at you. Now turn around.

Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second? Oh, well, let's go home, you dumb poop machine.

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?

Wait, what's with all the Leelas? Trust me, don't ask. Okay, dork. Listen, I'm going to hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit... Hang on. It's time to sort things out. The truth is, I love Fry. That Fry. And I love Leela. Any Leela.

I think I'll steal that and do an experiment that's slightly less very stupid. But that's my idea. You are an evil, evil nerd. Gedgie out. We'll show him who's stupid. (COUGHING)

(GRUNTING) No one can move it. Are you hurt? No, but I'm so thirsty. This space suit is making me sweat like a sow. Me, too. We'd better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel. Uh, I suppose so.

When will women learn to take responsibility for the children they've helped create? The quickening!

I just paid off my car! No! I can't look. Stop! People of Earth I am jurr of the planet Omicron Persei I Eight.

Together, just like pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle What's the hustle?

Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him.

No, wait! I like it like this. I actually feel sort of... happy. But what about your super intelligence? When I had that, there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school.

It's an extremely dangerous mission that killed my last crew, and you're not nearly as good as them. Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day!

do it again

They used to be such peaceful birds. I suppose this was your doing. Yep, it's like I taught 'em. If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite. Now, to take off my tuxedo. Guys, it's me, your lovable dictator.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Good night, Calculon.

What? Twenty-seven. No, I'm Santa Claus. Six? We're also Santa Claus.

Remember, our mission is simple-- Destroy all aliens.

Well, yes, actually. (GASPS) That's it. I'm killing myself. Oh, lord. Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do. Yeah. Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months. How is Lynn, by the way?

Steady. Steady. Now!

All right, Alcazar. I just have one last question for you. What's that? If you could change form why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?

It's a girl. My God, she's beautiful. No extra anythings.

Dude, over here.

I didn't mean it about the cape. Capes are cool!

I had dreams, too! I was going to surf the world's sewers, but I happily gave it up for you. Happily! I just want a little more out of life. But no, you don't want to go into space because you're too afraid. You bet I'm afraid. You want to go? Go! Get your head knocked off by a meteorite.

I love you. Oh. Why must I be such a coward?

I love you." Hey, you wrote it! It's not working! He's drawing strength from our weapons! Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

Awesome. You got to love a dude that brings the munchie.

Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usual place.

Whoo! And try this, kids at home!

No one can save you now, Leela. What about Zapp Brannigan? Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan could save you... Zapp Brannigan! So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again, we meet at last.

You know, I like it here. What's the rent on one of these jars? Sorry, Bender, but we can't allow every Tom, Dick and Harry to move in. No offense jefferson, Nixon and Truman. Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the closet of presidential losers. Bob Dole needs company. Larouche won't stop with the knock-knock jokes. Pass.

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct. The best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37. And as for you. Guards. Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away.

(SCREAMING) It burns! It burns!

You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better.

(SIGHS) Why you stare at prehistoric pig butt? Because it makes me feel happy and confused and wistful and sad. All Neanderthal sad. It in our nature. Why? It all start 30,000 year ago, in fertile Neander Valley.

Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here-- the Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can, but to really do things right you got to strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you always want to use cast iron cookware.

All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I'm gonna die! I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender!

I'm afraid the face you fell in love with... was actually just a blob of living gunk I bought with my tax refund. Well, as long as we're being honest, I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment.

(WHIRRING) (BELL DINGS) Like, it's basketball superstar Larry Bird! Larry Bird, what are you doing here? (TAPE RECORDER CLICKS) Hi. This is Larry Bird calling. Listen, my agent sent me that cartoon script, and I've decided I don't want to be involved in any way.

My Manwich! (DINGING) ALL: What's up, shorty? And that's the story of how one of me became two, and two became four, making seven total. The end.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yes, Captain?

Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cool using the Coolometer. Oh, yeah!

I am right.

I'm not letting my best friend get recycled-- Not for five cents, not for 500 cents. Leela, I've got a plan.

And during this period of head-crater interaction what were you doing? Martini drinking contest with the autopilot. I would have had him this time, but we ran out of olives. I can explain. You really think you can explain how you left port without a full complement of olives? I think not. What is this, high school?

What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down.

Sounds like fun on a bun! Shut up! I said it first!

Before I kill you, I must ask you one question. Who am I? For I have... amnesia! Let me get this straight. Does anyone here not have amnesia? - Hmm. - Ooh. I'm not sure. I don't know. This show is awesome!

Shh! Shut your gills! That sound. It's patrol car 718! Hide him! The court is intrigued.

Oh, really? You may find your victory Pyrrhic when subjected to this lyric For a trillion years or so Yeah.

by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh! What are you, gay? Death to the men! Death by snu-snu!

This here's our scab foreman. Flexo? Bender? Hey, sorry you got sent to that South American Turkish prison... instead of me on account of mistaken identity. You bastard! They treated me like an animal! And that's what I became!

And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR. And then later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

Nibbler loved to eat puppies. What's your problem? I miss Nibbler. You do? Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings. Why can't she just drink herself happy like a normal person?

Whatever was here has been covered by centuries of ice buildup. No! It's under here somewhere! We just have to bust our way down. Remember the code of the ice. Thin and crispy, way too risky! (GRUNTING) (ALL YELLING)

Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans.

Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty.

Oh, my God, you're Beck!

Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry

(CLUCKS) Okay, that's it. You are a boorish, primitive Neanderthal!

While waiting for him to knock some idiot's chair over, I suddenly realized I'd forgotten to lock the ship. (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (LOCK BEEPS) We then went out for a well-earned libation.

Yee!

This is the worst kind of discrimination-- the kind against me. All right, look, our policy is if for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.

Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Goodbye! (WAILING)

(YAWNS) Aren't we going to cuddle? Woman, I'm tired. I'm sorry. It's just I need my sleep. I gotta get up five times a night to play Xbox. I understand. Womanhood also takes some getting used to. For example, did you know there are more than two feelings?

Initiating dog brain CAT scan! Come on, boy. Come back to life. Know ye now what it feels like to be dog god! Commencing D.N.A. extraction!

Oh, mama. Hold still, sexy lady. What's wrong? That's no lady. Damn, chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle.

I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."

Conquer Earth, us bastards!

Also the blue-footed booby! That's fairly interesting! Note the blue coloration of the...

Ow!

Here stadium where our women basketball teams play. We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch. Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me! This our comedy club.

(CHOIR MUSIC) (ALL EXCLAIMING) They haven't aged a day. The whale must have some kind of Mobius colon that endlessly recycles time and space.

The hell it was.

Except masturbation. That's just wrong.

God help us! Okay, keep an eye out for Bender. So what did you think of the movie? Uh... too much romance not enough human killing. Yeah, it was a real chick flick.

On top of everything, I'm starving. I'll have to carve a sandwich out of this tree branch.

Here, take my plus-one mace. Okay, here I go. You fool! You foolish fool! Eh, what's the worst thing that can happen?

(ALL GASP) Hi, Animatronio.

Oops. Well, well. Time to beat him his rights. (BENDER GROANING) You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks. It does sort of class-up the place. MALE VOICE: The time is 4:00 a.m.!

(BENDER CRYING) (SIREN BLARING) Bender Rodriguez, you are charged with petty larceny, possession of something analogous to drugs, and assault with a smelly weapon. How do you plead?

My body's 40% titanium.

Now, remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.

Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down. Brain! Brain make people dumb. No, Leela. Brain make people smart. You go fight biggest brain of all.

Life, death-- Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle.

I'll miss you! Y'all come back, now, you hear?

What happened? Did you save us, Leela? Actually, no. For once, it was Bender. Really? Well, thanks for whatever you did, Bender. It was a lot, and you'll never be able to pay me back. Now, gather round, friends, so we can commemorate this moment in a photo.

Get it? He's coming out of... Nice and gentle. We don't want any unnecessary stress.

Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the-- Look! Spirit! And there's Professor Moriarty! Jack the Ripper! Evil Lincoln!

I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!

Fry? I thought you were dead.

All those times I said, "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper, "Except one." Fry was that one. And I never told him so.

Thanks, Fry. It's nice to have the support of viewers like you. I'm the star of the show. Shh. And the Slurmie for Best New Kids' Show goes to Turanga Leela for Rumbledy-Hump. ANNOUNCER: This is Turanga Leela's first nomination and second time in high heels.

Now, any old business? No. Any new business? No.

You see, Chapek 9 was colonized centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. Oh, so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a "radical." Hey, hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? They're not fans.

Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civiliza-- Good news, everyone! You're off to the Tempus Nebula to gather chronitons.

Oh, very well. This is a "joey heavy" episode anyway. I am lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. "Esteemed potentates of omicron Persei 8,

Flexo? What's goin' on? Did, um-- Oh! Flexo!

I swear, if I wasn't such a great dad, I'd grab his ugly little neck and... (GRUNTS) (GIGGLES) Hey, he stopped screaming for a second! Bend some other stuff! (LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) Bend! Bend!

(SCATTING) (BELCHES) (GROANS) Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez. Crew, you're working too hard.

Oop, low on power.

Maybe you could do more reps with less weight.

Would you like cream? Yes, please.

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAMS)

Wait! In my time, we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering. Impossible. It was called... let me think. It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one. The wheel! Never heard of it. Show us this... the wheel.

My God! He's gonna do it! Everyone, seat belts to maximum buckling!

Well, at least it'll help reduce their population. Yeah, life is hilariously cruel. - Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? - Granted.

30 degrees... 32 degrees... you name it. 31... but I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. What? Suicide booths. Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm going to go kill myself.

One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three!

(NIXON HOWLING ON TV)

MAN: In the year 105,105 If man is still alive If robot can survive They may find

Man, you are irredeemably evil. Together, we shall rule the galaxy! Aww, what an adorable, little kajigger. - Now! - (GRUNTS) (BOTH CACKLING)

Instead, she's with her ex-boyfriend and I'm stuck with a pair of skilled mechanical hands. Say, I don't suppose you're free later? Then I have no choice.

My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from.

Because I don't want you touching that thing. I know that. Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg.

Robot House! What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special I think we learned who the real animal was today. You mean peer pressure? Look out. He's got a gun!

Captain Yesterday? I find your skintight high-waters incredibly sexy. Let's get together sometime. Sure. I'm listed in the phone book, so once I reveal my real name to you, along with my home address and a copy of my birth certificate-- Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret.

Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.

Well, the doomsday device is ready.

Fry! Whew! Fry!

Robots don't have bathrooms.

To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

That's the gentle, sensitive, poet warlord I fell in love with.

He's come to finish the job!

Bender? That's right. Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job. Well, I do think of human life as expendable. No fair. Leela was training me to be captain.

he was scratched by a Yeti. (PULSING) Hmm. I consider myself almost completely ignorant of modern medicine, and I've never heard of Yeti-ism. It mimics the symptoms of hyper-malaria exactly except for the part where instead of dying, you turn into a Yeti.

And if I kill myself, you die with me. No! Stop! Wait a minute, man! I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living! Stop! We'll leave.

Ten, nine... Okay, we're here.

We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. No, that's not true.

Oh, come on, go down already. Ah.

Questions? Why is this godforsaken planet worth dying for? Don't ask me. You're the one who's going to be dying.

Hello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch: The Movie? Uh-- It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow motion. It hasn't been made yet. Then he doesn't know I won the Oscar? Nope. Crap! Wait. You're Pamela Anderson. Cool. What can I get you?

What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot! Washbucket full. Scruffy's work here is done.

I also have a tail!

Careful. This is the most valuable thing we've ever delivered. Oh! (EXCLAIMS) Careful. This is the most...

What's so funny? Nothing. Wait a minute. Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again? What? Me, Bender the robot? There's metal flakes on it. And they look like ass flakes.

The blue pie slice represents the money we earned from shipping packages, while the green slice represents an $8.00 bank error in our favor. This toads the wet sprocket. What about our thousands of shares of stock? Worthless. I'll kill you! I own one share of Planet Kajigger, so I'm entitled to some answers.

Garfield's owner jon's forehead.

Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah it was eventually made livable when the University was founded in 2636. They planted traditional college foliage: Ivy, trees, hemp. Soon, the whole planet was terra-formed.

Exciting news, people!

Like Kaboom cereal. And my family.

Listen, I've got a new job, and, well, I'm going to have to dump you. I'd like that!

It's a beautiful world Ooh! (LAUGHING) It's a beautiful world It's a beautiful world For you (ALL GASPING) For you For you

I came here with a simple dream-- A dream of killing all humans and this is how it must end? Who's the real seven-billion-ton robot monster here?

- These kids yours? - Yeah. Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility. That's me, baby. Let me just ditch the kids in an alley, and we can go have some fun. Daddy Bender? Son? Daddy's tryin' to score with a cheap floozy right now. So he needs you to cram a Tinkertoy in it.

Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlor to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room is a big murderer. You see, the killer left one fatal clue-- This boot print on the professor's lab coat.

Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears. Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy... acting talent! I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker!

What's that weird cat?

What shall I do with your jergens, sir? Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows. Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years of service. That young man fills me with hope... and some other emotions that are weird and... deeply confusing me. Ew.

Hands up! This is a stickup again! Wow! Hitting the same place three times? I admire your style, Roberto.

Why did the world turn its back on our obvious greatness?

Yes. And I've had enough!

Crew, as you know, I've delivered a lot of good news in the past. But what I'm about to lay down is by far the greatest announcement in the history of Planet Express!

No! Hurry, Bender, get the bra! Okay, fan, just hold still and let me... Hey! Whoa! Death to all humans!

I'll come visit sometime, and you can visit me here. No, he can't. Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy. Hey, the TV's back on!

Happy birthday!

Hold him down. Check. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whoa. Wha...? Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at.

Now it's personal.

(GROANS) What's wrong with you? Why are you sabotaging a decent, honest candidate? - 'Cause they won't let me near the Hoover Dam anymore. - Ooh!

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) For Rigel 7 and all mankind!

Well, I'd like to see you try to steal this-- the septuple head spin.

That stupid clover is a worthless piece of garbage! Give it, give it, give it! Mom! Help! Yes! Yancy's trying to steal my clover. Yancy, stealing is wrong. I'm gonna pile-drive you! Stop it! Aaah! You're dead meat!

Idiot. Noun.

Robot House!

Remember how Bender dumped all that pig's blood on me?

Now, how long will it take to build? It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-- Ah. There we are. One gravity pump powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so--

Not a chance. At least I'll always have her bracelet. What do you think it's worth? It's fake, mon.

Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town, and we're-- Quiet! It's 4:00 a.m., and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Sorry. A new era of justice has begun. What?

No, it's not! (MR. CHUNKS SNEEZES) Ew! He sneezed in it. Oh, God, I'm going to lose the bet. I'm gonna have to swim in the juice of the Puke-Me-Poop-You. Don't give up. You just need more titillating twits.

his in-your-face interface. I am Bender.

Moron!

Whoo! Microbrewed. My guys did all right. I think I'll make my countenance to shine down upon them. Malachi, good work! There's no slowin' down with the Metal Lord tonight! Yes, tonight is kind of special.

A ghost!

I'll miss you, Leela. (SOBS) But it's okay, 'cause then I'll die. NIXON: Cut the waterworks, hippie!

Direct your pity now to the African turtles, seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland. That poor turtle. Bender, are you crying? Uh, no. Never.

Wrong as always, Fry! I'm still missing the shiniest metal piece of all. Your thyroid? No! I'm talking about my ass! Huh! I never even knew you had an ass. (MUTTERING ANGRILY) Hmm. According to this, it shipped out on a freighter from South Street Spaceport.

Ooh! Gee! Ow! Oh, no! An asteroid field! If even a pea-sized asteroid... were to whiz through my skull it could-- ow-- hurt slightly. Well, that was fun. Now, for eons of loneliness.

Sorry, I'm not going to kill Fry. Take me to hell for all eternity, just as long as my little bearded meat bag gets to live. That he will not, for you see, it is your fate to kill him. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Says you. I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life.

You are the bravest dads in the entire trauma center! You guys almost had him until he digested you. Oh. You're good kids. If I could feel anything right now, it would be pride. Owww! Aaah! I was wrong! I can still feel pain!

I gotta mope things over for a while. Goodbye, sweet meatbags. Sweetbags. Hello? Hello? What's happening? I'm not sure. I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance. Oh, Lord.

What do you want? I'm here to kick your ass! Wishful thinking.

Ho... ho... ho!

My ass! My beautiful--

Fire! Look out! You almost got neutered. Well, 'taint as bad as gettin' killed. For me it is! I'm getting you out of here. Ow!

That's 10 times your recommended... Who are you, my warranty? (CHUCKLES) That was a good... (LAUGHING) (POWER SURGING) Huh? For God sakes, Bender, keep dancing!

I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings. And now, to make sure you won't talk... I'm going to have to do something really impulsive.

As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%. (VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING LOUDLY) Do you mind doing that later? Bite my shiny metal ass.

- (LAUGHS) - Whoo! You're on fire!

Look at me! I want attention. Hey, ho!

Oh, boy. Mr. Fry! Why are all these people standing around when they should be partying? All right! (MUSIC RESUMES) Hey, hey, LBJ, you want to get drunk? Hell, yeah. (EXCLAIMS) Zoidberg, no! The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood.

Whoa! Whoa! Hey, what was the purpose of life anyway? Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit. Sounds about right.

Does anyone have A reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss? Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that? Cut to the chase, Preach. Do you, Alcazar, take this woman...

No, I... But I... Terrible shame, that. Shall I do the honors? No! Ow! You about done? Next time I'm keeping it. Well, I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room.

Oh. That's a little bright.

Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel... and his owner, Fluffers. Second prize, this lovely afghan made from an Afghan, goes to Bender and his whooping terrier!

We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened. Oh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering degree.

Though I was only 15, mankind entrusted me with its last remaining suit and tie and sent me back in time. I would be raised by my grandparents, somehow get into Harvard Law School, become a community organizer, a senator, and finally, defeat Richard Nixon.

It's Mom. I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles and I thought maybe I could help out a sweet young man by buying his anchovies. Sorry, but the anchovies aren't for sale. What? Listen, you little bastard I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want?

So, you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? Welcome to academia.

(CACKLING) BENDER: Wait... I know a robot named B.B. Rodriguez! Wait... I am a robot named B.B. Rodriguez. So, I become ruler of Earth? Indeed. Yes! In your face, high school guidance counselor.

Oh, what a foolish squid I've been.

Bender's been down there too long. I'm going in after him. Professor! Lava! Hot! This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back.

For, you see, I designed the operating system for all Momco robots, and as a precaution, I made you incapable of picking up the free will unit. You precognizant bastard. I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you. (STRAINING)

Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry... playing 900 of these classic themes in your own home... on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only 14.99.

Help! I'm stuck!

but I still feel I deserve a smoke. (ALL GASP) Hey, cool. The air is on fire. Ho, ho, ho. Everyone's dead.

So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend. But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch! Ohh!

Wait, there are no more questions left to answer.

Side A: We're a community of outdated robots... who refused to upgrade and came here-- Side B: To live a simpler existence, free of technology. A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago.

I'm Al Gore, and these are my vice-presidential Action Rangers a group of top nerds whose sole duty is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum. I thought your sole duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate. That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution. Hmm, so I guess you'll want to see my Fry Hole.

You're welcome. Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn. If that is your Freedom Day wish.

What is the world comin' to? That Fry's a sicko pervert, I tell ya. Datin' a robot-- it's an "atrocimicy." But Fry's our friend, Bender. Aw, geez! Will ya stifle there, meat bag? You stifle, Bender. Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.

Actually, Dwight, you're right.

Funny story. The script called for me to say "yes," but I gave it a little twist. Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not found. Please put your hands together for my next guest, winner of five Olympic medals, Coilette from Robonia!

(WAILING)

Whoopsie-daisy.

Let me at 'im! Get over here, Kif!

And so, on behalf of the entire city I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the academy prize which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass. Yes! In your face, Wernstrom!

Not Funog! Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl. I'll put on my tutu.

We love Leela! We love Leela! We love Leela! LEELA: No! KIDS: We love Leela! We love Leela! We love Leela!

Oh, Lord, he's made of wood. What now, Bender? I got a downgrade. I'm a steam-powered wooden robot... just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X! That's just stupid! Does Mister Bender wish me to destroy myself?

Sorry, guys, I'm gonna have to confiscate your keg. It's my body. Oh, come on, Bender! Can you at least wait till it's empty? Fair enough. Fry, beer me. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug! Ah! It's empty!

But... then we wouldn't be roommates. I'll come visit sometime, and you can visit me here. No, he can't. Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy.

One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of omicron Persei 8!

I will. I will. Please, just leave me alone.

I gotta find something to make me think. Hardy Boys. Too easy. Nancy Drew. Too hard.

I thought they were selfish, yet in the end, it turns out it was I who thought they were selfish. (HUMMING) Hey, ladies, I found some. What the...

My hand is stuck! There must be glue on the saddle!

Oh, geez, get a room. Maybe later. Uh, h-hey! I have an idea. Let's all go out for ice cream. Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee. I don't really like coffee.

Gee, I can't remember anymore. It might just be from that stupid movie. Was that original or the remake?

You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.

Come on, Bender! If you're done scamming Beck, we're heading home. All right, all right. Let me just do one thing to cheer myself up.

Let's go. If I say one more thing, I might say it with my evening boot. Well! Rarely have I never! Please, don't blame Leela. She's just a little ill-bred. You know how mutants are. (ALL GASPING) Your companion is a mutant?

No, without a backwards time machine, we're stuck in this craphole.

Cold. Warmer. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

(SHOUTING) Doom!

(BEAT BOXING) He steps forwards but moves backwards. By the gods! He is a machine!

How are you going to live without a body? Bodies are for hookers and fat people. All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.

HERMES: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? I never stop to think about it. Leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. You a big dummy! Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart.

Senator... What was his name again? I don't remember. We never even left this building. What? Nixon always wins! (HOWLING)

Not yet. Listen. Hope you don't mind if I dribble a little while I work. Not if you'll grant me the same liberty.

Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name. What? How do you spell that? What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso! Hermes, quiet. I'm deducing things.

I got busted robbin' that bank again. Why would you hold up the same bank twice? Ah, that first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little.

These letters are real butt nutters. Listen to this one. "Dear Santa--"

Did I, Fry? Did I? What's the point of living if I don't have free will? From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! "It was just Bender's programming!" Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty!

But do we really want our kids exposed to that kind of trash on TV? I say, absolutely not! Hoo! Uh, on the other hand, most, perhaps all, of the blame, rests with the parents. That's right! You!

So, uh, this is where you eat? Eat and sleep. Oh, Fry! Uh, wait! Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second. Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the professor's ear wax.

Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry? I guess 'cause my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though. I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "straighten your pope hat."

There'll be no further nasty. We still have the option of resorting to violence! What makes you think that'll work? I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool was that?

No, listen. I freaking love you. And I don't throw that word around. I know you don't. That's why I love you. Are the pizza muffins ready? (ALL SCREAMING) He's here for revenging, that's why! No! Wait! I'm here to apologize.

Here goes. Good-bye, waking world. Leela, no! Listen to me. You don't want to lie in bed like a vegetable... and do nothing the rest of your life; I've tried it. Bedsores hurt! Then what am I supposed to do? Fight it! I can't!

If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? Look at all that awkward winking. It must be love. My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid.

Waaah! What the--

Come on, baby, let's do it! Shake your booty, baby. Come on! Yeah! (GRUNTING) This beat bangs Here's my chance Come on, girl, let's go, I can't...

Fry laughed and he said, "You deserted me once "Now it's your turn to feel the chill Lord, Lord "Now it's your turn to feel the chill" You've accurately portrayed the nature of my grievance.

Wait a second. You can't keep me here forever. Sooner or later, a polar bear will happen by. A nice, flammable polar bear. Polar bears don't burn. I've tried many times.

But the years went by and Pharaoh died Susie went and joined him in the afterlife--

If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.

(ALL GASP) No! They did it! They blew it up!

Ah. So quiet, so peaceful. Time to lower my guard even for a minute. (SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack. Yep, I was right.

(GULPING)

You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you. Yeah, wh-what? Oh, wait a second. That means I also take after you. Quiet. I think I know how to find the professor. Lay it on us, big boots. If the Smell-A-Scope can pick up the professor's odor we may have a chance to save him.

Whoa! My home! It burned down! How did this happen? That's a very good question. So, that's where I left my cigar. That just raises further questions.

We're jerked. Nothing can stop a monster that big. Nothing except an even equally big monster. This is a chance to try out my experimental enlarging ray but we'll need a guinea pig. What's this?

Oh-ho! Oh. So while they're towing us you want to do it? Yeah. Yo-ho-ho-ho!

Bender! Ship! Stop bickering, or I'm gonna come back there and change your opinions manually.

Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box. And the box itself is probably worth something too. We must cherish it as we cherish every moment of our lives.

Good-bye. Whee!

Killed a duplicate instead of me Lord, Lord Killed a duplicate instead of me (ALL EXCLAIMING) Now, that's what I call a great ending. I made a copy of myself and Big Caboose killed him. But you said making a copy of yourself would be a lousy ending.

Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed.

Sounds like fun on a bun!

Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head.

Psst! Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't want to have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back. I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

Thank you, Fry. I think maybe I can stomach that kiss now.

We're going to test it by going forward in time one minute. Get in. Okay, hurry. Let's get it over with.

I remember this from when we were kids. The warden would trot you out in front of prospective parents, and they'd judge you like a piece of meat. I'm Albert. Kind of fatty. Then how 'bout this little number? Purebred human. - No vampire in there. - Uh-- Mm-- - Hmm. Well, uh--

Um, are you Lucy Liu? Sure. Oh, we're doomed! They got the head. They uncovered the sign. Soon the whole world will learn we're cyber criminals.

Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

Oh, my God, is that a Cap'n Crunch casserole?

Uh, your present may need some assembly.

I guess one more spoonful couldn't hurt. Uh! Oh, my gosh! I better get a sponge! Fry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Oh... You want to play fetch. (PANTING) Come on, boy, get the ball. (GROWLING) (LAUGHS) Dumb jerk. Come on, get the ball. (YELLING) (EVERYONE GASPS) Sweet freak of Mozambique, that thing's colossal!

Yeah, I noticed your sign. I thought I'd learn a bit about your program here. What we do is make you starve to death.

If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you'd cease to exist. But existing is basically all I do!

Caca-head. Mean old caca-head. Sir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouth creatures are so smart why don't they defend themselves, huh?

Mmm. This jerk's chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked. It's used to it! Whoo!

I heard they unscrew our lug nuts at night and eat them at their human brunches.

Slurm: it's highly addictive.

Put down h-bar, carry the infinity, and...

Is everybody in position? What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three!

I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck. Bring it on, soup can. All right, break it up, you two. That's it!

M-My memory's not what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed. Interesting, if true.

Today, I actually blended in with a crowd! Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with. Hello, jerkbags! Oh! They're so cute! What are their names?

Okay, kids. It's 9:00, and you know what that means. Daddy's sick o' lookin' at ya. So go to bed. Aww! The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma.

So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.

What! You told her, like, 140 times.

That poor turtle. Bender, are you crying? Uh, no. Never. Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips.

Futurama is brought to you by: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth. One, two! one, two, three!

There ya go! Good night. I gotta get up early to go parasailing with movie stars.

You suck!

It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say I'm against those things that everybody hates! Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!

Whoa! What a cheesy effect! I'm not an effect! You doubt my power? I do! Aye!

Welcome to the world of business.

One Mother's Day, 70 years ago the only man I ever loved walked out on me. Some snot-eating bastards say it made me a bitter woman. Gee, Ma, you're not a bitter-- Cram it, ape!

I'd be remiss if I didn't rub your goopy noses in the fact that I'm immune. (LAUGHS) Which is why we'll all be counting on you, and you alone, to nurse us through this catastrophe. (GROANS) Why, God? Why have I been singled out?

Holy matrimony.

Thanks for saving us, Fry. I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again. Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you've got the heart of a robot. Aw, thanks, Bender. just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human.

(SCREAMING) Whew! That was close. (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Whew! Ahhh! (GRUNTS)

Say, Bender, can I hold that map for a second?

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah! Bender! It's a miracle! Aah! This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened. Guys! You'll never believe what happened!

Just 'cause you saved my life doesn't mean I won't beat you down again. Man, you are irredeemably evil. Together, we shall rule the galaxy!

Remember, when the tube opens, say "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!" Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what people want to hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.

Wait a second. What are you hunting?

He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid. The truth is often stupid. (COUGHING) Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me?

So I says, "Supercollider? I just met her."

NARRATOR: These industrious, uh, people, I guess, maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning.

Who am I? For I have... amnesia!

Give me that!

How badly? That's it over there. Don't worry. I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery. Where is it? There. Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry.

I think I know what people want to hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.

At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all. Je suis Napoleon! Now, seriously, I'm not. Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just tryin' to get through a difficult time using humor.

I was just out walkin' him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters. Come here, boy! Pet, pet, pet. Robo-Puppy receiving petting. Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy? That's so adorable! jealous? Bah! Not when I have the love of Robo-Puppy here.

I underestimated you. Wait. I can explain. Nah, don't ruin it. I'm loving the hypocrisy. It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever. You know I hate lying. But those orphans were so proud of me,

Now to dispose of the body. Honk, honk. Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela. So hip and sexy.

Your Mayorness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us. You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots. Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of jesus. Hey, zero.

I would be raised by my grandparents, somehow get into Harvard Law School, become a community organizer, a senator, and finally, defeat Richard Nixon. I escaped just as the robots arrived. All right, I'm low on bullets. Everybody, scooch together.

Watch the neck. Watch the neck! My ass! My beautiful--

Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time, thus solving the problem once and for all. - But-- - Once and for all!

Ah, yes! john Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver. The point is, one vote can make a difference.

I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then, it hit me. You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. Bender would never share. The very idea! So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy.

Human families need a TV while they're eating, so they don't have to talk to each other.

It's just lucky Bender had a RoJack installed. When I activate it, the police should be able to locate him. FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating. MALE VOICE: Located. (SIREN WAILING) It's a robot chop shop.

Is this angry yelling or busted hearing-aid yelling? I'm afraid it's both. What? Now, hold on. Everyone cool your daiquiris. Let's give the little vermin a chance to explain themselves. It was self-defense, Mom. just look at this letter the principal sent. We were in science class...

Stop exploding, you cowards!

Then eat it. So, uh, what's this big score anyway? We're heisting a shipment of zuban cigars. Zubans?! Those are the finest cigars in the universe. I can stink up a whole maternity ward with one of those things. Yo, there's our pigeon now. Let's shoot bullets out of our guns.

it was you. I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings. And now, to make sure you won't talk... I'm going to have to do something really impulsive.

Ah, Wade Boggs. Goes down smooth. Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. That's why I need your help-- so I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you. Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota. That guy was great. But I'll teach you everything I know.

Now, hold on there, boys. Violence never solved anything. Then how do we decide who gets the ball? Agnew, show them. (GRUNTS) There. How do you like your stupid ball now? (LAUGHS) (SOBBING)

I wonder, my friends. Was he really such an evil energy gas? He did give us eternal youth. Twenty-four hour Laundromat. A full assortment of rum, both spiced and regular. Truly, it was a paradise.

This is about your tentacles, isn't it? Look, Leela, there's nothing about your body that could ever shock me, so... (SCREAMS) That is nasty!

You go first. I don't want you locking me out there like HAL. Still don't trust me, huh? Well, you can take your lack of trust and jam it in your kidney hole.

Blech! We have to track down my nose...

Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember. Ow!

Humor here funny in different way. It not reinforce stereotypes. Comedy come from character, real situations, not abstract craziness. Translation-- boring.

Body-switching, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on.

So, what's this delivery to McPluto? Fifty three tons of hamburgers and French Fragments of not potatoes. Fragments of not potatoes? Yep. They get a big shipment every Saturday! What's this?

ANNOUNCER: Cash, cash, cash for your bones! Too many bones? Not enough cash? Call Cash Bone! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain tiny ear bones. The leg bone's connected to the Cash Bone!

I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin, you go to robot hell... for all eternity. Aw, hell... I mean heck. It's all right. You can say that here.

Well, I'm sick of her. The ship? But you just started dating. With my mighty robot powers, I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans.

Fry, we have a crate to deliver. Let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.

(WOMANLY SCREAM) My wingwang's gone! My girls! My antenna! My kajigger! My gonopores! Look it up.

So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy. With the added benefit of me and the chief being locked in a small room. Shall we adjourn to the dungeon?

Exciting news, people!

Demand for human horn is great, due in part to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programs... too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch. Human horn? But it is forbidden.

Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh? Whatever. Hey, looky there. (SCREAMING) (GASPS) Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women. We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance.

It's just like riding a bicycle-- Ay-yi-yi!

Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?

Hello. I'm scared of everyones Feffernoose. What about me? Hey, it's Garbly. Everyone loves him 'cause they can't understand him. (MUMBLING) It's nice to meet you. We're here to make you laugh and think and smile and learn and sing And laugh and learn and smile

In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons. Your shapely, buxom, human demons. Look at the rack on that one. I mean, that one on the rack! Good! That's real good.

Dearly beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life... when he was crushed by a runaway semi driven by the Incredible Hulk. Aw, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Hey, wait a minute. He was also a robot? Dude! So a robot fox killed a robot human? I guess that makes it okay.

My life is over. No, it isn't. You have another ten years left. Leela, he could live another hundred years. No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet, and you never return. Wow. A whole planet of old people.

Well, Rodriguez ran to his best friend Said, "Help me or I'll surely be killed"

What is the meaning of this symbol? That's a plus sign, you pointy-head loony! Quit thinkin' you're a robot! I'll show ye.

What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo! Who are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wiener?

So, please, vote yes.

Yeah, you'd think, but what you gonna do?

And the winner is...

I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo. Sorry, Mr. President. I didn't realize. Kiff, raise him up about nipple high. Come on, Brannigan, stuff yourself into a uniform. We've got to get off this planet before the bomb goes off. Bomb?! What bomb?

Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!

Oh! (EXCLAIMS) Careful. This is the most... Quickly. Into the time shelter. Someone stole the Time Button, and they're pressing it every 10 seconds. The universe is caught in a time loop.

Nobody. I'm watching the Charlie Brown Special. (GASPS) Is that what I think it is? Yep, your favorite. Cap'n Crunch casserole.

I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kiff, what's the most humiliating job there is? Being your assistant. Wrong. Being your assistant. Private Fry, you shall henceforth serve as Kiff's assistant. That doesn't sound too bad. You'll speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm!

Whoo! And his name is? Zapp Brannigan.

Robot House.

Hmm... Get 'im, boys!

Looks like this planet is next in line. That's Earth. The planet we live on? I'd hate to be those guys.

Giant space robot, this is Captain Fry of the U.S.S. Planet Express ship. We come in peace. Tough luck!

Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close. (WIND BLOWING) (SHIP CREAKING)

(ARGUING) Greetings, soft ones. Who among you is your leader? MEN: He is. WOMEN: She is.

- I'll help you. - Aw, phooey.

It's just not the same here without Bender to keep me company. Hey, I'm here. That's gotta count for something. Hallelujah, baby. Yay! Bender's back. Hey, Bender, you mind coming back later?

Whoa! I'm not readin' that crap! Summarize it in one word. Sabotage.

I say, get the hell off me. That guy sounds familiar.

I... am... Destructor! See you at the fight. So then I said, "See you at the fight," and that's the story.

Okay. Come on, gang, let's go inoculate everyone and cram Manhattan back into its rightful hole.

Hit it, me! (RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING) (MONITOR BEEPING)

Thank you, Fry. I think maybe I can stomach that kiss now. (RETCHING)

It's the end of the line. This must be where they put in the secret ingredient. Whatever it is, it's even better fresh. Mmm. Still warm.

(WAILING) I have no free will! I am not the master of my own fate! (SOBBING) No free will. Not my fault. Why do you care so much, Bender? I mean, for all we know, humans don't even have free will. Yeah, whatever.

Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket of trouble. But I done struck you a deal. Five hours of community service cleaning up that ol' mess you caused. Five hours? Aw, man. Couldn't you have just gotten me the death penalty?

Madam's sewage-seeking missile. (GASPING)

They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer? It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago? Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away so the electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see-- Magic. Got it.

One hundred kilometers.

Our path was set by the travel agency. That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a route with some chest hair.

It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

That's Bender all right. I'm talking about Flexo. Oh, I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend. No, I'm not. Mark my words. Flexo's evil.

Wait. What about the animals? Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out leaving the planet completely hollow. Yes, but what about the animals? The what? The animals. I didn't say anything about animals. Now, it seems the planet will collapse within three days.

So, we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore. Everyone I know is dead! (SOBBING)

Huh? - What the hell have you done, Fry? - Relax.

Huh?

Na na na na na na Captain, may I have a word with you? No. It's an emergency, sir. Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well.

Mmm... farewell.

Crazy sucker. Phil, you're hype! That was ice-cold, bro.

don't, don't, don't, don't don't you forget about me will you reCognize me call my name or walk on by

BENDER: Wake up and feel the coffee! (SPUTTERING) No, I'm late for work again! Sorry I'm late. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.

I'm going to allow this.

My story's a lot like yours, only more interesting 'cause it involves robots. That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being a chef too.

(LOUD BUZZING DRONE) BENDER: This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next. Coming up next, Futurama! (SNAPS FINGER)

Hello! Pizza delivery for D. Frosted Wang. (FRUSTRATED CRY) Not another crank delivery!

That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.

It's all coming together now. I must say this opens my eyes. Another case closed, my dear Watson. Morgan, come back. He's stuck in a loop. For I was blind but now I see. The cat's out of the bag now.

It's creepy here. This is the worst part-- the calm before the battle. And then the battle's not so bad? Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

Police, bah. Nosy meddlers. It so happens I have mail-order degrees in murderology and murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot.

To the sub-basement!

Fry, I challenge you to Claw Plock.

Melllvar's got a spaceship! Yes! In mint condition! And you made me take it out of the package!

I can fetch!

Who's the real seven-billion-ton robot monster here? Not... I. Not... I. Good night, sweet prince.

(SPEAKING IN INDECIPHERABLE LANGUAGE) Excuse me, but we're guests on your planet. Speak English! Behave yourselves, gents. Off-worlders best be welcome here, especially if we're trying to get the Olympics. (CLAMORING) May I buy you a drink?

The stinger went right through me, and you got all the poison. My new spleen came from a guy who liked to motorcycle. Sweet three-toed sloth of ice planet Hoth! She's awake!

I find the defendant guilty. Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you... to be executed at sundown. Oh!

I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life. Happy New Year!

With the hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys

(SNIFFLES) You really think so? I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way. You're sweet, Leela.

Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat, Grade 19. Hermes Conrad, Bureaucrat, Grade 36.

Ooh! Just like that. Any luck, Bubblegum? Not yet. Listen. Hope you don't mind if I dribble a little while I work. Not if you'll grant me the same liberty.

Life and death are a seamless continuum.

Frying pans! Cast-iron frying pans! It's not what it looks like! What do I do? Do what I say. Tell her! Tell me what? Give me the heavy one.

but I still have a trump card. The most beautiful love song ever written. ANd i-i-i Will always Love you Will always love you The humans are attacking!

Ah... a picture of my mommy.

Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base. We could steal it. No! That would alter history. Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was. Well, I killed my grandfather. Wha-- Wait. If you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?

The great monument is finished, oh Pharaoh, and now... the unveiling! Hmm.

I am so great. Bender is great Bender, Bender, Bender Man, where'd the time go? Hey, you guys wanna... Oh. Right. (GASPS) They turned into petroleum oil. I thought they were selfish, yet in the end,

It's all impossible. Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

No one move. I'm back, baby.

What's this? Two meals in one week? Got you! Sucker! Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me.

I'm making you an honorary Globetrotter. In fact, everybody in this room's an honorary Globetrotter. Yay! I'm a Globetrotter! Did you just say-- Too late, hot plate. Aw, crap!

(SCATTING) This must be a difficult time for people who confuse TV actors with actual friends. Dear God! What is he doing? (MAN SCREAMING) No! Somebody stop him!

Welcome to the planet Wormulon. I'm Glermo your gollyrific guide to the splentacular Slurm factory.

Uh, h-hey! I have an idea. Let's all go out for ice cream. Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee. I don't really like coffee. Neither do I. Ooh. I feel a little tipsy. Let me pick up the check.

Free... (SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) Ah! Hello. I'm here for the free beer.

New Jersey was full.

To equip Pharaoh for his journey, we bury him with his favorite possessions, such as his heart and liver... and the many goods he left in his royal garage. Also, this bag of cats our culture considers holy.

Because I don't like being used.

"M"! Is he right? Yes. The number I was thinking of was the letter "M." (YELLING) Here, take him! What are you waiting for, a kiss goodbye? Go already!

Ah. Fire. (SCREAMING) It burns! It burns!

A dirty, filthy slob. Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty! What the hell's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty, not pro-dirty. I'm surrounded by neat freaks every day. There's nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slop jock like you.

Welshie!

How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?

But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch!

Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first-- Sir! I volunteer for a suicide mission! Aw... cut it out! You're a brave robot, son, but when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.

And this time if someone's going to jump out of it make sure to put them in after you cook it. So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake you'll never forget. That'll take care of those annoying rats.

Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Uh-huh, uh-huh Well, Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Somethin' Bender is great Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great Uh-huh

Hmm. He's a witch!

My next clue came at 4:15 when the clock stopped and another came two hours later, at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse. Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--

Gold? Why Femputer want gold? You heard the man! Yeah. Ooh. Yeah, baby. Gimme some of dat.

(RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) BENDER: Missed me! (GROANS) (TRUCK BEEPING) (HORN PLAYING FUNERAL MARCH) (TIRES SCREECHING)

download porno on a crowded bus, even check your e-mail while getting hit by a train.

Oh, no! What have I done? You poor little guy. I'm so sorry I-- Bender?

Fry, I'm an '80s guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks... I beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas. The deal will go ahead as-- My bones!

Bender, is-- is that you?

But I guess I'll just throw one away. We'd love to have you on the team, Bender, but aren't you more on the supply side of crime? Plus, the cream won't give you superpowers. You're a robot. So? I'm already super strong. And my arms do this. Yah!

Wheee! Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Wah! Ahhh!

I'm on it! (INHALES) (BLOWING) (MUFFLED) It's not working! (CHUCKLING) I die happy knowing you fell for that. His power supply is shut. He's flatlining! (BEEPING) Only one thing can keep him alive.

Hmm. Hmm! Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry. Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass? No, it's called "parenting." Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect!

Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.

One half! Pull! One half! Pull! Now we're slavin'.

My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me, iffen you dare.

Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg! Fry? You're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you? (CHOKES) Not at all.

That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares. We're not listening! That's what I'm talking about!

Rammed his train through the wall And crushed him flatter than a MacBook Air, Lord, Lord Crushed him flatter than a MacBook Air But while you were all out fighting With the giant plastic octopi I copied myself, you see Bender! Bender!

three, two--

Do I, Philip J. Fry, take you, Turanga Leela, to be my lawful wedded wife? You do. Do I, Turanga Leela, take you, Philip J. Fry, to be my lawful wedded husband? Uh, yes? Absolutely.

I'm zeroing in on him. Ben Gay... Mothballs... Letters to the editor! It's the professor! To the flying machine! To the left! No, to the up! U-turn! U-turn!

Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah.

And I can't take life anymore!

What?

His crew includes a badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose,

Hmm. You think this fruit tree's going to get enough light? There's a window in the closet. Whoa. This is huge. Bender, why don't I just live in here? In a closet? Oh, humans.

That's my mama.

We'll... No, I'd be back in my body, but then you and Bender would be switched. And the Amy and Bender bodies can't trade minds again, since they just did. Oh, no! Is it possible to get everyone back to normal using four or more bodies? I'm not sure.

Huh? Hey! Tubes? You're older than you said you were. Come closer, Bender. Let's become one. I prefer two. That way, we can still be a horse for Halloween.

Everybody hit the deck!

You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry! Look, what do you want?

You come to the right joint, ace. I'll take this one. Classy choice, chief. She'll crap her pants. That'll be five bills. Hey, give me back my stones. Hello, stranger. This is my first time here.

Flies, flies and gorillas!

(MOANING) All rise for the Honorable Judge 724. Bender Rodriguez, on the charge of attempted murder, I hereby find you guilty. (CHEERING) Ah, yeah! Guilty!

All right, here's the battle plan. We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard somebody does some clamping then we heist the cigars and go home. And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that.

Hello? Hello? I'll take eight.

Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!

ALL: Yeah! Legalize it! If you hate intolerance and being punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity! (EXCLAIMS)

l-e-e-l-a Leela

It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows. At the end of the episode everything's always right back to normal.

Light hot. Oil temperature rising. Oh, no. Malfunction. This ain't good. System error.

No. That's not necessary, really. I think I hear my factory recalling me.

(SCREAMS)

On Halloween and New Year's Eve Yankee girls ya just can't be beat But they're the best when they're off their feet

Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other... beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.

You hit a sour note... about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top. Ow! Ah, Bender, Fry! You've come back for more eternal damnation.

That tap-dancing, decadent jazz-baby is too fast for us!

This skell here buys stolen robots, strips 'em down, and sells the parts all over the galaxy. (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) Okay, I'm getting a signal from Bender's RoJack. (BEEPING) Nah, it's just a piece of junk. That's not junk! That's Bender's head! My head? Slap me upside it!

Professor? Leela. Amy? Bender. Have you seen my body? I think the Professor's in it.

(ALL GASPING) (LIGHTNING CRACKING) I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot. The dials are terrified. Brace yourselves. It's Tickle Me Elmo's Fire.

Special deliver for Invader X! Laser eye power! (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) Hand magnet power! (CLICKS TONGUE) Yay! I'm unbuckled! (CLICKS TONGUE) Stop it, you hero!

And now that I have nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away. Oh, no! I know you're all very upset especially Bender. Well, life goes on... except for you.

That idiot. It wasn't set for 25 minutes. It was set for 52 seconds. We're going to die! - Right? - Right.

the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future. It's Politics 101. (SCREAMING) And the votes are in. Richard Nixon, running unopposed, has been reelected by a narrow landslide. Say what?

A letter from Bender, my good friend. "Dear Dr. jerkberg "If you're reading this, I'm already dead. "The person who killed me Was-- was--" My God. It can't be. The murderer. It was...

You pizza's gonna be another minute. We still waiting for it to be delivered. Bender? I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another robot. (GROANS) You're probably right. I don't really remember what he looks like. Guys, guys, it's me, Bender. (ALL GASP) He's alive!

Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned.

All right! Hooray!

Ahhh! Sweet light crude. But I'm not a robot like you! I don't like having disks crammed into me. Unless they're Oreos. And then only in the mouth. Don't you understand? I'm gonna die here. Ah, quit your belly-achin' and take it like a robot.

Howdy, y'all! Welcome to Atlanta. Folks 'round these parts call me the Colonel. Here, have some breathers courtesy of our chamber of commerce.

Sweet tornados of Barbados! Amy and Bender have been torn to shreds. (ALL GASP) Oh, the humanity! Also, Bender.

Do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera, All My Circuits? Oh, I am! Me! Bender is! Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel Air home. Yes, I will. Yep!

Those bastards!

Oh, God, what have I done? You've given us a new father and a full-time job, which is more than most kids have. But... We love it here, Miss Leela. This is the funnest planet in the whole world. Don't hug me! I've done a horrible thing! For God's sake, somebody teach me a lesson!

It's an army of Lucy Lius. They're horrible.

Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space.

Hmm... Get 'im, boys! Good move.

Uh-huh. I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. Mm-hmm. I like your style. I find it very... erotic. What? Erotic!

Okay, Beelzy, Fry's dead. A ghost! Oh, it's you. A deal's a deal, so give me my body back.

Me... want... engulf... Bender! Only a few more.

Give us back our genitals!

My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis.

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.

Robot and fembot, man and woman, man and man. Our poodle has two daddies. BENDER: Interracial, interplanetary, even ghost and horse, but not robot and human!

Slow down, baby. The Cybernetic Oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded, and implanted with the brain cells of history's greatest detectives. We call him Pickles. On account of it's like he's floating in a jar?

It'll be the end of civilized society!

Sabotage.

Hermes, quiet. I'm deducing things. What do you got? Disposal trouble? No! Everything's just-- Sure is shocking about the professor, huh? And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me-- Bender.

I should give you all a beating, but I really have to fly if I weren't stuck here frozen, I'd harpoon you in the eye Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye You did the best you could I guess, and some of these gorillas are okay Hooray! We're adequate!

ANNOUNCER: With the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your e-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone. WOMAN: From Mom. A new eyePhone? Forget this junk.

Here's to another lousy millennium.

Placing fossil on the Plat-Clone-O-Form. Initiating dog brain CAT scan! Come on, boy. Come back to life. Know ye now what it feels like to be dog god!

Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends. Uh, brunch. Right.

It was all my fault! He died because of me! No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm lying to make her feel better.

What type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops? Cyclops. Aw. She sounds sweet. But sweet girls aren't for you, eh? You hard-fightin', hard-fartin', ugly, ugly son of a... Stop! Stop flattering me.

- Thank you, Lieutenant Smith. - Good morning, Mr. Vice President. Leela, we're missing the premiere.

Get that robot some more beer. Hmm?

Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.

Perhaps we could explode the whole damned nebula.

and subscription to Cosmo. just F.Y.I., I could be used for Snu-snu. Silence! You want die like last men visit Amazonia? What'd they die of? Crushed pelvises. Yes! Oh, thank you, Lord in Heaven.

and you're not doing anything to stop it. Surfing helped me chill out, honey. When you're down there riding the waves, the wind ripening in your face, everything just makes sense, dude. You mind if I call you dude, princess? Look, I don't want to put a rat in your face-cage, or whatever you kids say nowadays,

Hey, how'd those two get deflated? They looked at this. (GASPS) That proves it. Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb has a horrific effect on living creatures.

You're my best friend, Fry.

Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You.

Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old... but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

That won't stop me. Raise the solar sails! I'm going after that Mobius Dick! (ALL GASPING) You've been hitting the Red Stripe, woman! Comport yourself, Mr. Conrad! When we're at space, the captain's word is law. I could marry you and Bender against your will, if I wanted to. You wouldn't dare!

Soylent Green-ooh!

I'm really going to do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes! Ohh... Hey, it worked. The static's gone.

Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here. Oh-hoo, what's this?

That's the guy right there. - Right over there. - Yes, indeed. And are y'all going to vote to convict him? Oh, yeah. The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

(OWL HOOTING) (ALL EXCLAIM)

I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend, Lieutenant. Oh. She won't leave me alone. Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife.

Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Goodbye! (WAILING)

Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick? Yeah.

There, finished. Wouldn't it work better if the wheels were round? It's my invention. We do it my way. Now all we need is something to pull it and we're set. Hee-yah! Ow! Hurry! The robots have taken Suffolk County.

Yeah. You got a telesonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago. My Kiffy called?

Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with... audio tape?

BENDER: Rumbledy-Hump? It's real! I love eating vegetables, don't you? They're like crunchy, green water. I don't like them! They're icky-yuckie!

Is he genetically engineered?

We did it! We kicked Nectar's butt!

If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right. This here is our penguin preserve. Aw, they're so cute. They're like if puppies and kittens could have babies.

You folks still doing all right? Oh, yes, Elzar. Good. 'Cause it turns out I forgot to cook that chicken. Bad news, everyone.

Negative, Sailor Moon. We're going for a sleigh ride.

Then we'll write our own Bible. With less Sodom and more Gomorrah.

Only one way to find out. You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings. Of course I do. Right now, I feel sorry for you. You do? Yeah. I mean one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye. You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady.

we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean every now and then. just like Daddy puts in his "dwink" every morning.

Good evening, ladies and germs. That wasn't a joke. I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old... but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

Perhaps you wouldn't be so worried about them if you knew what they really thought of you. It's so great being away from everyone. Zoidberg and his awful stench. Stanky. Bender and his obnoxious ego. But... But... And what about Amy? Always prancing around in those stupid marmoset pajamas.

(BOTH SNORING) (CHIRPING) (SNORTS) Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that.

I can't pay.

I apologize for nothing!

Oh, my various gods, X-ray specs! Guys, uh, I swear those are prescription. I need them for reading stuff... on the other side of stuff. You cheater. Break his neck! No, don't hurt him. He's my best friend.

We're slowing down. Don't worry. I'll hit the fuel guzzler. Who wants Pop-Tarts?

Bender was a truly special-- Louder and sadder! Bender was a truly special-- Next! - Dear Lord-- - Oh, next!

Why? Why did he do this to me? All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I'm gonna die! I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it!

If you could change form why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?

Bender, mon it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch. You call that a couch? I demand a pillow. I'm sorry, but if you want to continue drawing a salary you've got to do more than watch the cooking shows all day. Hmm?

Remember, don't show any reaction to his appearance.

Now hit the bricks. (SIGHS) You heard him, Bender. Calculon's gone forever. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Did you say Calculon? (CHUCKLES) Perhaps we can make a deal of some sort. (LAUGHS) Hark! Is it possible the hour of mine deliverance is nigh?

You've got to the count of five to let me out of here. One... See you in a thousand years.

Oh, I've been there. Lots of times. Look at that. The carts go out full, but they come in empty. It's criminally inefficient. Quiet, mate. Pulling the empty carts is the closest thing we get to sleep.

You were mean, and you yelled and you made us do all that work. Sometimes, a captain needs to do those things.

George, a word in edgewise. This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot-tall, mechanical joe Frazier. M-My memory's not what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.

(MINER GRUNTS)

Like Fry, like Fry. There's one way, and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent-- Dissect its brain. No! Mama! Stop Grandpa! Enough chitchat.

(VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYING) (VIDEO GAME BLEEPING) Good news, multiplayers.

Ah... some good, old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off.

Let's go already

How long do I have to live? Ooh, dibs on his CD player!

Uh, let me think. Come and knock on our door na na na na na na Um, Mr. Roper, What's the holdup? Kiss my daughter already! Wait. I'm confused. Now, tell me, Fry-- Which one of these ladies are you involved with? Uh-- Na na na na na na Captain, may I have a word with you?

Where'd you get those ears? I've always had ears. No, you haven't. All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. You're going a mile a minute. This! You for this. Thanks! No! Ow! Fire hot! The professie will help. Fire indeed hot!

Hey, Leela. Mmm. What smells saturated? Deep-fried ice cream sandwich wrapped in frosting and lightly baconed. Whoa. That sounds like something Amy would say and eat. I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. So Leela's in your body?

I swear, in the presence of these drunken bums, that I shall defeat Elzar! Oh, I'm not drunk. I'm mentally ill. But I likes what-what you said.

(WHISPERING)

Dr. Lesterman? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident. RECORDING: You have reached the office of Dr. Judy Lesterman and Dr. Ira Rothkiss. The office is now closed. If this is a pharmacy calling... (SCREAMING)

I can fetch! He could dig up bones. Hello! Charlemagne? Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head.

What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo! Who are you monsters?

Yes, I'd like an engagement diamond, please? You come to the right joint, ace. I'll take this one. Classy choice, chief. She'll crap her pants. That'll be five bills. Hey, give me back my stones.

Ah... a picture of my mommy. Huh? What's this?

"By The Police. "On March 3, at 2:00 p.m., Bender was caught shoplifting." Yeah. Show us the picture. Oh, there he is. Okay, kids. It's 9:00, and you know what that means. Daddy's sick o' lookin' at ya. So go to bed.

Enough with the feelings, you two.

Waaa-taah! Then along came Bender. Hmm?

Hey, what's with all the pots and pans? - You building a wife? - Part of one. Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends.

(GROANING) Not exactly.

Give me a worst-case scenario. And make it grim. I've prepared some projections. Should the virus escape Manhattan, this is how far it will spread in 12 hours. This is 24 hours. This is a Verizon coverage map. And in 36 hours, it will have infected the entire planet.

Yes. And you do what with it? All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope... Oh. Well, nice talking to you. Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day. Let me give you my pager number. Hey, Reagan, remember when you asked to see my family tree?

And also-- Well, you know. You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers? No! It's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS) (GRUNTING) (HORN HONKING) What about that non-hovering hover car?

Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davey jones's U-Haul. At ease, men. I am at ease. Mr. Fry, I like to give my first mate an informal nickname. From now on, you'll be known as Wiggles.

Oh, no. Freezer Burn is... NIXON: Sleeping. I will avenge him, you heartless... NIXON: Bastards! It's okay if I say it. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) NIXON: Just measuring you for a new hat. Three, four, cha-cha-cha.

Like the Kardashians. Now they drank my booze? They've gone too far! Wait a second. All Benders are powered by alcohol! Of course. Long before the Benders devour the Earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off.

Knock, knock. Oh! Oh! Who's there? Leela? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Leela who?

Hey, get away! Shoo! I'll give you $5.00 to not do what you're thinking about doing. You just lost $5.00.

It's spooky. It doesn't seem to correspond to anything funny happening. I'll say. (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Kif! Whoa! Amy, is it you, or have I gone crazy with loneliness? Both. Whoa! I still don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do know I love you.

I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West. (LAUGHS) Billy West? What a stupid, phony, made-up name. You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag-burning.

Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you.

One, zero, uh-- One, one, zero, zero, one-- Bender, what is it? Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two.

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Omicron. Have you insured your planet?

(YELLS IN FRIGHT) The championship's mine, robot. (GRUNTS) Why? Why? What did I not do yet to deserve this?

Our what? Career chips. You remember-- they assign you the job you're best at.

Let's get the hell out of here.

- There's a dam! - Damn! There's a grate! Great! But I can't bend anything with my arms agonizingly maimed like this.

I was born in prison, and I'll die in prison. There is still one hope.

This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard. Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend. But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment. I can't walk away from a commitment like that. Farewell, my friend.

What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces. (EXCLAIMING) Lemony! I had intended to unveil a beautiful stone memorial today. But due to the recent tragedy, I humbly ask you to join me in a simple prayer. ALL: Boo!

Cheese it! (ALL EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) (MONKEYS GIBBERING) Hurry! We still have to rescue Fry and Leela! Even if my stupid marmoset pajamas offend Leela's big fat eye. After they said I had an obnoxious ego?

a child of destiny whose bizarre brain-wave pattern... makes him immune to the Brain Spawn attack. He is the hope of the universe. The fate of your world-- perhaps all worlds-- rests in his special mind. Now, when you say "special--"

A trillion miles? Things got hot. You look a little hot, actually.

Yeah, I'll keep the kidney cool, no problem. (CHUCKLING)

Once their task is complete, they will ensure... that no new information arises in the only way possible-- by destroying the universe.

Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. Coffee time! Ah. Mighty fine smokable. Fancy cigar? Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff! Go, go, go, go, go!

This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. Bender! And that is why they call me Bender the Magnificent!

I just want her to like me. Well, there's always hope. Come on. We gotta go fix the plasma-fusion boiler.

Yeah, but everybody's a jerk-- you, me, this jerk. That's my philosophy.

I don't feel like drinking.

Times two, carry the one.

Pizza delivery.

You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need surgery. You look great the way you are. Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once in my life, I just want to look normal. But you're better than normal. You're abnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think. You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think. I'm getting the surgery!

NARRATOR: You're taking a vacation from normalcy.

Besides, I thought we were friends. Yeah, well you shouldn't have been such a mean captain, then. Don't worry, Leela. Soon, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh. Back in my old uniform.

You're all I have left, Squeakers. (BIRD SQUAWKS) (WAILING) Oh, God, I hated that place. My parents kept me there for years. So when I finally ran away, I vowed never to speak to them again!

Amazing. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit! Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards? Why are you so angry, Mommy? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. You dumb bastards!

A cat, some poison and a cesium atom. The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer him, fool. It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function. Says you. (CAT HISSING) (FRY SCREAMING)

Maybe you could do more reps with less weight. Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming out of his shell. Get it? He's coming out of...

Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen! We'll have to shoot it again. No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. But this guy Was-- Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer.

Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. That's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks. - He big jerk like man. - I sure am, but check the crotch. Nothin'. Very well. Release him. As for the others, take them to the Snu-snu chambers!

One of these days, Alice-- Bang! Zoom! Straight to the Moon!

Come on, baby! Do ah do! De dat diddly whoop boopity boo! Come on! Doo do! Bee bop boo! I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing. Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah.

Help me! For God's sake, help me! Oh, don't worry, Fry. I, too, once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum. But now, it's nearly over. So long.

When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza... so I can share the food I love with the people I like. Holy hell! You're going to eat them? Oh! Well, just make sure you eat them all. You're a growing boy. Toodle-oo! Dumb ass.

You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth, loiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs and get spat on by the beautiful people. Hmm, I don't know. How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you. Sir, you just hired yourself a new what's-a-whatzo.

Oh, no! They're forming a human pyramid... of robots. Damn it! We're weren't countin' on them being as smart as they are sexy. A dangerous mistake to make. At least we've got food. Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag. Hooray!

we still have three or four co-workers with plenty of spare parts. My first mission. I'm so excited.

You see, Og everything's running smoothly.

BENDER: Three, two, one. Hang on Fry, I'm a-comin' to save you! You are my hero. Shut up, Fry, I know it.

Come here, Adam. Partake of my forbidden fruit. Thee will be done. Wait. One more bite before we begin the begetting.

You said there wasn't any toilet paper! And that humanity was annihilated! My motives were pure. I just wanted you to think we had to save humanity, so you'd be willing to have sex. Please say you believe me. Yes, I believe you. (ZAPP GRUNTING)

This Week In The Universe! Dateline: Tarantulon 6. The brave warriors of Earth, under the command of General Major Webelo Zapp Branigan, have achieved victory over the spider home world.

N-O-O-O! I won't leave you. Not until I'm sure you understand the thing I said before, about my eternal love for you burning-- et cetera. I do.

My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender. (ALL CHOKING) Oops.

Donbot, please, I'll pay you back as soon as you lend me some more money. Sorry, Calculon. It gives me no joy to do this, because Clamps will be doing it. Clamps, here are your new clamps. Clamps! No, no. Line?

Hmm... Horsie to Pointy Guy Six. Check.

MOM: That shuffling idiot never did complete the free will unit. To this day, my poor, sweet robots can't exterminate humanity without being told to. I'm sorry. Oh. It's not your fault.

A rat!

Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town, and we're-- Quiet! It's 4:00 a.m., and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Sorry. A new era of justice has begun. What?

So, you're a robot? (SIGHS)

So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh? Nice job. We surrender. Earth is yours.

Fry! I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out? I'm about to. Leela, let me play for you one more time.

This Xmas Day session of court will come to order. The Honorable judge Whitey presiding. Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead? Not Santa. There he is again!

Huh! Didn't hurt that time.

Yeah. Hmm. Fry! Hermes! Where my humans at? Ah, who cares? It is on. (DOORBELL RINGING)

I'm not letting my best friend get recycled-- Not for five cents, not for 500 cents.

Then we'll write our own Bible. With less Sodom and more Gomorrah.

No, I specialize in phaser eye surgery. I can build you a paraffin eye and graft it on with skin from your foot. It won't be able to see, but you'll look like a perfectly normal... two-eyed person. Me? Perfectly normal?

Slow down, baby. The Cybernetic Oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded, and implanted with the brain cells of history's greatest detectives. We call him Pickles. On account of it's like he's floating in a jar? Exactly.

Remember your manners, kids. Forks go in the left pocket, spoons in the right. Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab? Me! Ap-dap-dap-dap! What do we say when someone gives you something? 'Bout time! That's my boy! And here's your check. Bam!

Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people, sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep? Uh, excuse me. Which is the one people like to hug? Gutsy question. You're a shark.

We're looking for something that fits in here.

Behold! My invincible nuclear mutants! Hi. Hello.

I don't know when

Help. Police.

I miss him so much. There, there, Fry.

Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that. Maybe he'll die if I rub him all over with it, real slow. (GRUNTING) (WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics! What the...

I'll call him Nibbler. Aw. I'll fire up the grill. I hope he'll be okay in there with all those big animals.

Good news, everyone. You'll be delivering pain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel 7! Scruffy's rollin' out a large pill. You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there. You could drop me off on the way! We could, but we won't! It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine!

but some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk. No galaxies there. Knock, knock. Oh! Oh! Who's there? Leela? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Leela who? It's good to see you. Is it good to see me?

Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute. Aw, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long. It's okay, Bender. I like cooking, too. Pansy. Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here-- the Neptunian slug.

But he's an actor. If there's one kind of pain he can handle, it's soap-opera pain.

This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We could settle down on that mountain of skulls.

I did what I had to do, Fry. He was a bad robot. No, he was a bad friend. I want him back right now. Then you should have filed a request 20 years ago. I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy.

What the hell's been going on around here?

So, I guess everything worked out fine. Great. Now we're being crushed. Help us, wooden Bender!

Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page. Looks like society's runnin' pretty well without my meddling-- D-Doh! Atomic bombs? Oh, no! Those unbelievers from my backside... must have found my nuclear pile!

(GROANING) Bender, as my newest employee, could you bend this drinking straw for me? Sure, let me just... Whoa. WOMAN'S VOICE: First click the license agreement, dearie. I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty.

The very idea! So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy.

Oh, my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great souffle, Elzar!

Ma'am, what happened in there? Well, I was shoplifting a lamb chop when suddenly fire erupted from the liver tray. Next thing I knew, I was carried to safety by this strapping young what-you-call-it. (WHISPERING) Hero. Hero. Aw, stop. (WHISPERING) Keep going.

His name is Malfunctioning Eddie. The car dealer? Wow. I guess his prices really were insane. He's very excitable. So don't say anything to surprise him. Pleased to meet you. Actually, we've met once before. What?

Oh, sorry. 109. We'll check it again at halftime. You home from school, you traitor? I fell through the ice. Cut me some slack. Nobody cut me any slack when I broke my spine. Didn't even take a day off of work. Lot of people depend on you when you sell trampolines door-to-door.

It's all right. You can say that here.

because I like you.

Beachmaster, stop fighting! He's been dead since yesterday! What? He's dead?

You don't-- Uh, I'm sorry, you work here. I should have realized from that ridiculous getup you're wearing. Hey, this is from Miller's Outpos-- I mean, yeah, i-i work here all right. Here. Move this rust bucket out behind St. Koch's Cathedral.

Boo! Boo! This kid sucks! We want Bender! Boo! Well, I thought he was good, but the audience seems to have turned on him. But I don't think-- Next!

Trees down. Trees down. Cool. What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down.

(SCREAMS) He's dead! Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat! So, I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty!

- Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? - Granted. We can't take off without our captain. Oh, and bring my toboggan.

To the Science Mobile!

you're going to separate the yolk from your genetically enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam! Hey, what you watching? Uh, nothing. Is that a cooking show? No, of course not. It was, uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.

Fry, I challenge you to Claw Plock. English, please? A fight to the death. And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.

Just stick to the script.

(SCREAMS) That is nasty! Sorry I screamed, Leela. I was just so excited to see you. Yeah. Let's just get out of here. No problem. I'll bend the door open.

We'll build them eight feet tall and replace the rainbow with a neutron laser. We'll make billions on the intergalactic arms market. But things eight feet tall aren't cute. That's why my colossal Tammy Tinkle doll was such a failure. Oh! You don't understand me! We're finished!

Also, the salad's ready. Yes! Salad! DR. ZOIDBERG: What the hell are you doing?

You hit a sour note... about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top.

Nice to see you, Zapp. Well, nice to see a surprising amount of you, too, Leela. Is Munda here? Mommy's not home, big boy. We both know you're just using her to get to me. So let's do it right here by the front door at 7:59.

Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler,

That's why we had to beat you with tennis rackets. If we don't go back there and make the event happen the entire universe will be destroyed and as an environmentalist, I'm against that.

And, here we are. The end of the universe.

Come on, girdle. Hold.

I thought I could just step back into my old life. But it seems the world got on fine without me. Maybe even a little bit better. (WHIMPERING) (BEEPING) The name Calculon used to mean something. Now it's a stain that will never wash clean.

Ugh! All this heat has rendered me parched. Which of these doo-whackies dispenses horchata. Stop! That's the force field holding the mine open! (EXPLOSION) (BOTH SCREAMING) Mine collapse! Mine collapse! (ALARM BLARING) So? Mine collapse, too.

Completely out of ice!

I got the steering wheel. (BOTH WHOOPING) Leela and Amy! A winning combination. Yay, Lamey! The creature!

(GRUNTS) Oh, God! I clicked without reading! And I slightly modified a thing that I own! We're monsters! (BOTH SOBBING)

And Scruffy's buffet, how's that going? Fry, Fry, look out for that bowling barn. Bender, is that thou? I love you. GIRL: Oh, my God.

Bender, are you okay? What crazy thing am I gonna date next? Well, at least it sounds like you were able... to keep your consciousness separate from hers. Of course! Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle-- A cuddly baby tapir. And that's why I love him.

Why are you cheering, Fry? You're not rich. True, but someday I might be rich. - And then people like me better watch their step. - (SIGHS) Let's just find Bender. Ah, that hit the spot. I found Bender!

Happy birthday! Bender, what's going... No! Hey, can't you see I'm using the toilet?

(FEMALE ROBOT GIGGLING) Shh! Don't wake up Fry. (FEMALE ROBOT GIGGLING) Shh! My roommate's sleeping! - Wake up already! - Huh? I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot,

We pollute too much! We're destroyin' the world and killin' the turtles! To hell with the turtles! No one insults the turtles! Oh, mercy. Come on, you!

I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use math.

(CAMERAS CLICKING) FEMALE REPORTER: Mr. Bender! Over here, over here! Small quote from you, Mr. Bender. Scoop Chang, New New York Magazine, Kosher Recipes Editor, iPad Edition. Ma'am, what happened in there?

Out of cream! Oh, uh, okay. Would you like sugar in your coffee? Yes, uh, eight spoons. Out of coffee! Uh, Leela, I think there might be something wrong with the coffee machine. How do you like me now?! The toaster's not working right either.

Oh, I'll never recombobulate this ship. When the professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca! Wait. What would the robot do? Frame someone! What up?

Change places!

Kif, hold on!

Women only room!

It was October 17, at 1:54 p.m., and 14 birds were flying by the window. I was working at Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Back then, you see, robots were slow-moving, stiff... and a little on the uptight side. Oh, dear! Might I favor master with a tender kiss on the forehead?

Yes! Salad! DR. ZOIDBERG: What the hell are you doing? Zoidberg, we know about your secret agreement. I am so, so sorry for how we treated you. And to make it up to you, we're killing the Professor for you so he doesn't die horribly from hyper-malaria. He doesn't have hyper-malaria, you idiots.

I am? That's not good news at all, you little--

You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing a phone wasn't such a hassle.

La-la-la, look at my head it's okay to look at my head I got a big ol' head And hey! Ho!

I find it offensive.

Mmm... Name?

(MUZAK PLAYING) (GROANS) That music! That horrible, agonizing music! - Is that the tune, Fry? - No. Then stop dreaming it! (MUZAK STOPS) Hello? Pizza delivery for... "I.C. Wiener"?

You hit a sour note... about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top.

Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look! Come back to bed, dearie. It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are.

We will single-handedly attack our archenemy, the Neutral planet. Oh, geez. Once the Neutral war machine lies in ruins I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain. But, sir, that plan makes no sense. Maybe not to you, Kiff.

Bender, Leela... don't leave me. Wait a minute. Hey, hey, buddy, what year is this? Uh... 3000. 3000? Yes! I'm still in the future! Life is wonderful! Wait. What are you doing with my stuff? Uh, check bounced.

Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth. May you bounce in peace. Get the hell off my planet.

No! Not there. Keep trying. Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's all so obvious now. Help us, Guenter! Oh, my goodness.

Oh, it haunts my memory still. Professor, no! Don't do it! Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then?

Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here. It's horrible-- Eating scraps letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in a zoo. Animals go in the corner.

What's happened to you?

Hey, let's all join the Reform Party! Oh, yeah!

Hey, Stephen Hawking. Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity? Sure, why not?

Well, first, I got up and had a piece of toast then I brushed my teeth then I went to the store to buy some fish, then I... Fry, look what you did. She won't shut up. That's normal. just nod your head and say, "Uh-huh." Uh-huh, uh-huh. And then you threw an octopus at my window.

You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so himself. Now, come on! If we don't save those monks, no one will!

(CRYING) Yep.

I am not evil!

Space. It seems to go on and on forever but then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. And that's how you play the game.

Dear Captain's Diary-- I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel, and that's just as good.

I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time. Oh-h-h!

No. I'm goin' to the party. I won't let you! Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willin' to kill for-- jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's weed whacker. But at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for-- this mindless turtle.

(BEEPING ACCELERATING) The machines, they're after me. You're suffering from machine phobia. Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed. (SIGHS) I guess it's for the best. BENDER: Whoo... The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender.

Whoa!

I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood? Whose blood? Some guy's.

Greetings, Earth morsels. You suck! Get a job!

Huh? Hey! Tubes? You're older than you said you were. Come closer, Bender. Let's become one. I prefer two. That way, we can still be a horse for Halloween.

Which of the following would you most prefer: A, a puppy B, a pretty flower from your sweetie or C, a large properly formatted data file? Choose! Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

Are you suffering from internal parasites? Why, yes. Thanks for noticing. Now ask her how her day was. Why would I want to know? You wouldn't. Ask anyway. How was your day? Well, first, I got up and had a piece of toast then I brushed my teeth then I went to the store to buy some fish, then I...

My God, he's become evil. I mean, eviller. Thank you. Thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken-word album. just $18.95. Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine.

Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote.

Now, he's wearing a hat!

So I will now join myself in holy macaroni. Kif, raise the ceremonial mirror. Zapp, you magnificent bastard, do you take Munda to be your lawful... (ALARM BLARING) Alien ships approaching, sir.

Repeat, what I just said, immediately! Sorry, Randy. Ah! Step away from the car, and no one gets hurt! (GROANS) To the employment cave!

Huh? Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Keep your chin up. Ow, my chin!

Whoo! Whoo!

He may have ocean madness but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

ANNOUNCER: Futurama presents...

And so I am proud to tear up his star and replace it with a second star for the fabulous Robert Wagner. (CROWD CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is truly another honor.

Yep. Mind-numbingly interesting. Ooh. Bender! Are you looking at other women? No, baby. Never.

Fry! Oh, sorry. I guess I control that arm. Whoo, whoo-hoo, whoo!

Whee!

Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--

Godzilla will devour him As for me I must be off To have my doctor check this cough Good-bye I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla. But that is so what I would've done.

FARNSWORTH: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness! Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint. The last proton should be decaying about now.

We can worry about that in the morning.

Me want snu-snu!

Two, three... hey. Welcome to the world of tomorrow. Shut up, Terry.

by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh! What are you, gay?

Robot House. Hey, Dean. Nice looking model. You keep away from it! You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated--

Ooh!

Hey, don't cut that. I need that to speak.

Whine some more, Fry. I really find that attractive in a man. Now, come on, build us a shelter. All right. Fine. Everything else sucks. At least we can have a nice place to live.

Let's see. Which powers do we have? "Super strength"? Yep. Uh-huh.

What is it, you colicky bastards? We were playing video games, and the other kids didn't play fair. What? Nobody rips off my kids but me! We can find out who they are through their motion-capture camera. It better not be those little Korean girls again. Aha! Got it!

We sure are cheerful this morning. Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast. You know, beneath his warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot. What happened to you? Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put in carpeting yesterday and now my head hits the ceiling.

What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend, and now he's dead!

That was the worst delivery ever.

I was born on an assembly line in the bad part of Tijuana. Mama. Wah! Wah! Wah!

Let's get back home. Why is there so little traffic around Earth? And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.

Cheese it!

So? What you been up to since you left the orphanarium? Oh, livin' in a box, fightin' the shakes. You? Sellin' kidneys, teeth. Whatever falls out of me. And what am I up to, you ask? Why, I'm a very successful space captain. - Oh! - Wow! How nice for you, Leela. That's so good...

Decisions I made Thought I was a thug Dropped outta school and smoked stuff that's like a drug A broke-down filthy homeless substance abuser And now I'm richer than all y'all losers Now he's richer than all y'all ugly losers

That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me. Come on, boy, jump! Good boy. Whoa, Mittens. My God!

Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage. Yeah, I need a seltzer.

Hey, you know what always cheers you up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies. How about these cookies, sugar?

Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

I do not want to shoot anybody. You never want to do anything! Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you!

Stupid rocks. Think they're so great. Well, they are giant diamonds. (LAUGHING EXCITEDLY) Come to Papa. A lot of Bender fell out of the crow's nest. We need to cut the line. Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry.

Oh-oh. Here, you drive.

Hello? Is anyone still alive?

Goodbye, Professor. Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now. Oh, Lord. I wish I could go with you, pal.

Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor. Oh, yes, absolutely. Not a chance.

Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh, it's for you.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Leela, does your mother know you're using her pole? (GRUNTS) Come on, I'm all yours! Have your way with me for the next 30 seconds. That would be more than enough time, but I can't. I love Munda. I love everything about her, her laugh, her maturity,

(WAILING)

Your Honor, that facility has been full...

You stole my kidney!

Here we go. just a minute. Aha! And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial Loser and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty!

Prosecutor, your opening statement? Yeah, honey, I'll be home for dinner. The prosecution rests, Your Honor. Very well. We will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict.

Yaah-- Aaah! He-- Help! When I screamed, "Help," I didn't mean you! I apologize. However, I was able to do your job before I saved your life.

Whoo! And try this, kids at home!

My God, he's like some kind of believable Hulk.

You kidding? I was a stud. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees... 32 degrees... you name it. 31... but I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. What? Suicide booths.

Pharaoh, my god king You are cold and deceased Are you still half insane P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets But the years went by and Pharaoh died

I heard you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something something system. The killbots? A trifle. It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. Wow, I never would have thought of that.

Great food, huh? (BURPS) (ALL GROANING) Ew! I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me. No, it only makes you more attractive. (PEOPLE GASPING) Ew!

Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude.

You're welcome.

Uncle Vladimir! Come, Bender. You'll like being dead. That's what they said about being alive. - join us. - join us. join us, Bender.

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct. The best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37.

You can't go to Omega 3! It's forbidden! I forbid you!

Yes! In your face, Wernstrom! I'll get you, Farnsworth even if it takes another hundred years. And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your 20th-century garbage-making skills we'd all be buried under 20th-century garbage.

I will avenge him, you heartless... NIXON: Bastards! It's okay if I say it. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) NIXON: Just measuring you for a new hat. Three, four, cha-cha-cha. Find that apple. It's down there somewhere.

Well, wait. Don't you care that I murdered Hermes? Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder just as long as you let Bender wet his beak. You're blackmailing me? Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal.

on December 31, 1999.

Mark my words. Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender.

Such detail. Such finely wrought, intricate beauty. LEELA: It's like staring into the face of God. It's a mirror into Scruffy's soul. This explains everything,

Allow me to introduce myself.

Fan beats man!

The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it-- crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

My Manwich! (DINGING) ALL: What's up, shorty?

They're my friends.

Dropped outta school and smoked stuff that's like a drug A broke-down filthy homeless substance abuser And now I'm richer than all y'all losers Now he's richer than all y'all ugly losers Decisions I made

Fire lasers! Duck lasers!

I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.

Bender! It's a miracle! Aah!

Bam!

The salt level was ten percent less than a lethal dose. Uh-oh, I shouldn't have had seconds.

He's so cute. He can do two things at one time. Eat and swim. Ooh! Three things. Do the hustle Fry, it's been three days. You can't keep boogying like this. You'll come down with a fever of some sort.

Delivery boy, no discernible skills. Accepted! 'Cause I like his pants. Yes! My lucky pants!

And so we say "good-bye"

Bummer.

I get so lonely.

Ohh! Yack! Aw! Lordy! Fry! Whew! Fry!

In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. Actually, that's still true. Now that the garbage is in space, doctor perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions. With gusto. Aw.

It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clambake and cook him! Yee-ha!

You know how mutants are. (ALL GASPING) Your companion is a mutant? (SOFTLY) But if anyone asks, say she's an alien. Help! Police! You may have eluded the authorities, but don't nothing get past Mrs. Astor.

I'm the first one to work. A new low. - Surprise! - Happy funeral, Bender! A surprise funeral for me? We just wanted to show you that you really will be remembered. Now, if the deceased will kindly take his place of honor.

What's new? Huh?

A hero, indeed. What's your name, son? I don't know. Fry? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero.

Hmm. Whistlin' Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study. But, sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set. Then we'll have to really land on the moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!

You see, nowadays we can take a unique and beautiful object, and easily reduce it to a formula for mass production. I call the process "science." I'll just need to locate that guitar image on your file system. (GIGGLING) (ELECTRONIC CHIMING)

My hands. My horrible human hands! And what did you do to my nails? I cleaned them. Now if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night, and I feel lucky. So it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon! Huh?

Yo, classmate, whatcha taking?

Isn't that right, Comrade Greeting Card? The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.

Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty!

I can quit anytime I want.

Thank you, Scruffy.

Taranga? That's her name, Phillip. Phillip? Fishy joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent animals? Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think anyone's here to make that claim. I am. Me, too. Listen-- Shut up. We're talking about a snack Shut up. that's low in fat Shut up. and high in profit.

And Fry, you've got that brain thing! I already did. So, Leela, do you want to be like us? Or do you want to be like Adlai, with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever? That's the dumbest question I ever heard. - She's right! - No doubt about it! - Daylight come.

Phew! After all that, I could use some relaxation. I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

- What do you want? - Fry's dog! - When do you want it? - Fry's dog! Yea!

Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll get your cattle back or die trying.

What are you? Some kind of galactic computer? Possible. I am user-friendly, my good chum. Who built you? I have always been. Oh, my God! Are you... God?

Hmm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd, and where would a giant nerd be? The library!

You poor little guy. I'm so sorry I-- Bender?

Ow... ooh... son of a... Oh, dear! Oh, my! Uh-oh! Once more. Steady now! There we go.

Fiesta ha ha me MinD on fire me soul on fire feelin' hot, hot, hot Yeah, baby! Yeah! Feeling hot, hot, hot how you feelin'

And in these two corners, weighing 400 tons, the Gizmo from Pismo... Beach-- Destructor!

A skunk knocked over my garbage and suddenly, all I could think of was you.

I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the stereo. Fry, this isn't healthy; you're living in the past. I'm rich. I can live whenever I want.

Santa's a robot. So we should be able to destroy him... with a logical paradox. Bender, you better cover your ears. Holy night! Intruders! Hold it, Santa.

Hmm! Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry. Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass? No, it's called "parenting." Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect!

And I cowered in the bathroom While that steel-drivin' moron Killed a duplicate instead of me Lord, Lord Killed a duplicate instead of me

Hey, I think I know who the next pharaoh is. Oh, Lord.

You're my kind of soldier, Lemon-- A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-belly pile of ugly muscle.

Now, over here, the grunka-lunkas are inducing wumpus berries to release their flavor using sensual massage. Pst. Those berries. Those are the secret ingredient, right?

Hey, everybody! Do the Bender! This move's called the Bender. Yo, hot wheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves! Whoa-oa-oa!

Bam!

"Dear Dr. jerkberg "If you're reading this, I'm already dead. "The person who killed me Was-- was--" My God. It can't be. The murderer. It was... I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm going to go watch TV.

I meant your wallet. Three, two, one, zero. Mmmbop ba-duba-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop yeah, yeah mmmbop ba-duba-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop

When I grow up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia! Me too! I mean, I have it now, but I forgot.

Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

Anything? Thank you, sir. Now as I was saying-- Anything?

But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world. Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bedsores. Not covered. just get in the car. Ah, here we are.

You could've moved this grub-infested log any time you wanted? Well, sure. But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed.

Uh... Uh... this is a bit awkward. Who's a-she? Who's she? Who are they? Go back to the castle, Sandy.

There, finished. Man, I'm good at this, eh, flame-o? Yo, flame-o! (GASPING)

I don't care how popular you are-- you will never work on my show! Yea! Bender! We demand Bender! However, you've got the job.

According to government records the only names not yet trademarked are Popplers and Zitsels.

Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition. Hmm. Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you. Feast your eyes on this!

I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

And anyway, I am just as strong as you are, Mac. Oh, yeah? Prove it. Here, let me help you.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah! Bender! It's a miracle! Aah! This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.

I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here. Since when do you care about us? We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. No, that's not true. Good-bye. Whee! This dream brought to you by Lightspeed Briefs.

We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message.

Yo, freak jobs! Hit the nearest manhole, pronto-like. But we have passes that allow us to be up here. From the mayor himself! I don't know. I never heard of no mayor.

- Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. - What's there to talk about? - Shh! - Hands up!

Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto.

Good night, Kif. Night, Fry. Huh? Keep your door unlocked tonight. But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!

Hello! Pizza delivery! For, uh... "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud.

Boy, what is the deal with the ocean? A tropical island, huh? Well, I've washed up in worse places.

Quiet! Quiet, I say!

Ah, relax, chum. I'm not really a giant fly. I'm a horrible robot! Kill all humans! Dear God! He's having a heart attack!

are more closely related to our elephants than our spiders! Don't mind us! Aah!

When I'm with you, every day seems like double-soup Tuesday.

It's time to take action. Stephanie, cancel the maid for today. Have her come tomorrow. Well, I'm out of ideas. Anyone?

The hell it was. It was a Juicy Couture.

Welcome to Cavern on the Green. May I offer you some meat loaf while you wait? Sorry I'm late! Actually, you're on time. Really? I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it. That was the old Fry. He's dead now.

Yes! He chose me. He's trying to kill me. Leela, I'm so happy. Oh, thanks, Bender. Hey, too tight, too tight!

Fry, help, let me in. (YAWNING) Bender? What are you doing? It's 3:00 a.m. I don't care if it's 3:00 p.m. Open up and hide me!

I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her. Her? But there's plenty of normal ones. Come on, Adlai. She could really use a mom and dad. Ear Face! Ear Face! Sally won the ugly race! On the other hand, the children bring up a good point. She does have an ear on her face. Well? So what?

Zoidberg, are you coming? Sure. Me? Because I don't want you touching that thing. I know that. Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg.

That's right, Robot Devil, and we've come to reclaim a soul. A what? You know, the disembodied software, whatever. Oh! Then the answer is no.

Ohh! Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to La Barbra.

Sure, let me just... Whoa. WOMAN'S VOICE: First click the license agreement, dearie. I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty.

I have got to quit drinking. Thanks, friend!

I'm blowing you a kiss! Mwah! Aaah! Take evasive action! It's closing in. You can't avoid it. It's a cheek-seeker. And... gotcha! No-o-o! Aaah!

I-i love you. I'm so scared, Fry. I don't know what to do! just wake up, Leela. Please, just wake up. I don't understand what you mean. just wake up. Please. just wake up, Leela.

Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry

I just don't think I can go through with this scam. So, now you do wanna marry him? No. I just don't wanna hurt him or humiliate him. Oh, curse this woman's heart! Ick!

After him! Well, everyone, prepare to get your guts kicked out by folk singers.

You vile racist. Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault.

See? Nothin'. Told you, losers! Wait. There on the screen. It's that guy you are! I'm sleepwalkin'.

That certainly is honest. It's better for us to both just be ourselves. You, wrinkled as a prune-- You, fat as the queen of sea cows. I love you!

Robot House?! Whoa... whoa... whoa! No! Help!

Target acquired, Mother. Fire direct marketing algorithm!

Not often though. Mmm.

Yah! Also, I got this goin'. Listen up, New New York!

(GRUNTING AND GROANING) I love you, Bender! Somebody hand me a bolt cutter. Hey, dip-schlitz, that's not me. I'm right here. Hello? Pay attention to me!

Please stop crying, Fry. Here. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog... to toy with my emotions. Ah, what have I done? You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up.

These people really know how to die.

I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza. One pie, nothing good on it. Name?

What?

Hermes, don't press that button! Okay.

Due to a programming error Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty. If he catches you after dark he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors. Nice meeting you.

Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control A-wha-ho A-wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control A-wha-ho A-wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control All right! (ALL CRUNCHING) Two thousand forty five, 2,046.

We brought a chocolate cake, but now I'm worried that might be offensive in some way.

I don't know, Amy. I just don't know. Wah! Hey, thanks for coming. Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How could you let that mob kick him out? Aw, come on. Bender loves mobs. Only when he's in them, and you know it. You really hurt his feelings. Don't girl me with that girl stuff.

Is there nothing in the future worth saving? Mmm, Leela. But she doesn't think much of me. Ah. She must be the other. Wh-Wha-- You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Virgon 6.

- Ohhh! - That's fine.

(SIGHS) Aww. I think it's noble of you to give Marianne a new nose. Yeah. She'll be forever grateful from somewhere upwind. True. Our relationship will end once she smells my odor.

We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message.

Pickles? Yes. It is I, Pickles. I set the whole thing up. Everyone will think Bender's the thief while I make off with that glorious brew. Seriously? Why? So I can kill my human brain cells. Do you have any idea what a burden it is to know everything that will ever happen?

Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life.

Don't let their identical DNA fool you. They differ on some key issues.

Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry Be Happy Uh, were you just singing? No. I was tellin' you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing. Court order.

it's Wailing Fungus with Shut Up and Love Me. (ROCK SONG PLAYING) Shut up and love me Shut up and love me

Oh, dear God in heaven! They're swarming all over her! No! No! What are you talking about, Bender? She's... There's strapping her to the juicer! Oh, they're putting some ice cubes in the glass under it. This can't be happening!

Girls of Planet Express calendar. FRY: Girlie calendar? Great idea, Amy.

Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do. Yeah. Last time you went to the suicide booth,

(SPUTTERING) No, I'm late for work again! Sorry I'm late. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. I've had it with your tardiness, Fry. I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else.

I don't even know who this guy is. I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Yes, of course you are. Now, we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express. I'm on break.

Trees down. Trees down. Cool. What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down.

(SNIFFS) Why isn't Leela back yet? Do you think she's okay? How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feeling a little neglected here. Oh. Sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Shut up.

My name is Ladybuggle and I huggle all my friends

Uh, yeah, it's definitely big, all right. I just wonder if it's too big, you know?

Oh, I'm scared! My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant. They must be in here. Yeah, capture them! And then Bender ran. Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet.

You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list. Well, check it twice. I perform over 50 megachecks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings. But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present.

Oh, it's just a flying saucer. Excuse me. You can't park here. The parking area is over there.

Greetings, eco-nauts. I'm Free Waterfall, Sr., founder of Penguins Unlimited. Whoa-ho. No, no. No applause. Every time you clap your hands, you kill thousands of spores... that'll someday form a nutritious fungus. just show your approval with a mold-friendly thumbs up.

Oh, my. Now I'll just... the remote. I'll just... Oh, my.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, God. I ruined everything. I blew my one chance to... Hey, wait a second. Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wait. Allow me.

Irie, Professor! Behold, my mutant atomic supermen! They're only a foot high, Professor. Well, they're still young-- mere atomic superboys, really. We'll need to speed up their growth...

You remember, right? Look, I'm programmed to be very busy.

I'm here to conduct the exorcism and avail myself of the buffet. Can I get an amen and a goodly helping of Scruffy's famous corn biscuits? Right away, Reverend. Oh, lord. I got the too-much-macaroni sweats. Now, where is this alleged apparition? (GASPS)

Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor. Oh, yes, absolutely. Not a chance.

There. Fixed forever. Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived.

I've got to stop this reverse aging... before we all shrivel up and suffer the agony of un-birth! Think, you disco duck. Think!

(GASPS) (SOBBING) (WHISTLES) That is one quality pacemaker. The rest of you might as well give up now, 'cause I'm gonna take home the... Hey, what's my grand prize gonna be? Oh, there is no prize, Dorothy, unless you count the satisfaction of winning.

Don't come back!

What is? General, in all my years of coverin' top secret discoveries with sheets, I've never dramatically revealed anything as shocking as this.

Zoidberg, show some respect.

Panic, jerks!

That's right... no body. But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body. Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.

All right. I'll take the Red Rocket. (FRUSTRATED CRY)

That we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.

Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

Yes, comets. The icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost... or something. It's time to shove a jalapeÑo up this ship's tailpipe. Divert power from the shields. Full speed ahead.

Fry, you're my friend.

A problem that solves itself? That sounds like a job for me, Bender. (SNORING)

Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now. Oh, Lord. I wish I could go with you, pal. Me, too. I'll need a butler. Bender, we have to go.

See? Nothin'. Told you, losers! Wait. There on the screen. It's that guy you are!

Fry? He went to get you a burrito at the gas station. Awesome. You got to love a dude that brings the munchie. Fry is one guy I'd definitely never abandon. (CHUCKLING) Oh!

Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone.

Good night, losers.

By my calculations, this head trip will last at most 24 hours. We need to stop that monster, David Farnsworth!

Come back when it's a catastrophe.

Wow. Are you gross looking. Go on. The great space serpent... Mammal. ...figured out long ago that no one's more obsessed than space captains. Oh! Ah! What are these things? Get away! The whale's nearly sucked me dry. It'll need a new source of obsession once I'm gone.

and, well, that's no excuse for how I acted.

Is there a doctor in the gym? I'm a doctor!

You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock.

Ow! I'm hungry.

A boil kinna have a name? They also said a boil kinna sing, but... Amazing grace How... (SCREAMS) Ew! She's Scottish.

(GRUNTING) Yet still, I feel empty inside.

(GASPS) Fry did it? Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You.

Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know. Husband, no! Out of my way, wife! I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the time.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) (ALL CRY OUT)

(CHEERING) Thank God most of our fans are huge perverts.

Turn back, Bender! Turn back or else! Or else what? Or else that. Nice try, flame bag, but now you're trapped here with me for the next billion years. I've saved the entire world!

This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient. My God! What if the secret ingredient is people? No. There's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola. Oh. How is it? It varies from person to person.

You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge by ratcheting superconducting wire down into... (SNEEZES) Sorry. Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay. Nay. Hell, nay.

Oh, God, it's inhuman! It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it!

It's getting late. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create. Better cover your nads. It may get a little non-Newtonian in here.

Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution. I'm glad you agree, Dr. Banjo. Evolution set in motion by a wise and all-knowing creator. You. (CHUCKLES) Well, I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely,

Blech! We have to track down my nose... before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?

Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what people want to hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.

Oh, yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape.

Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No glove, no love."

Kill all humans!

Pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds a woodpecker. I think that's probably your roommate.

Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.

I thought I could just step back into my old life. But it seems the world got on fine without me. Maybe even a little bit better. (WHIMPERING) (BEEPING) The name Calculon used to mean something. Now it's a stain that will never wash clean.

Finally. Any more ridiculous ideas? Hallelujah. I'm here to conduct the exorcism and avail myself of the buffet.

Turn around! We've gotta go back for Bender! Impossible! The supernova time hole is closing. If we don't leave now, we'll never get back to the 31st century.

Go to hell, Heather! Oh. In small doses, botulism toxin tightens and tones the facial muscles... instead of killing you in the most horrible fashion imaginable. Give me back my floppy face!

Amy.

(CHUCKLING) (GRUNTING)

Yeah! Then knock yourself out.

What the-- An alien language. I guess you're an alien. What a beautiful, gigantic eye you have-- Well, come on in.

Their programming leaked into the castle's wiring through this old abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms. Of course! It was so obvious. Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense. We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.

(ALL GASPING) We thought we were so smart with our science and dancing. But look at us now, at Gigatron's mercy! The shame is too great. It's time to end this. (GRUNTING) Zoidberg, stop! We're too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death.

Look, are you going to help or not?!

Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it. For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting, finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! You, boy. What do they call you? Most folks just call me Orange Joe.

Aye!

And now that I have nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away. Oh, no! I know you're all very upset especially Bender. Well, life goes on... except for you.

Just 'cause you saved my life doesn't mean I won't beat you down again. Man, you are irredeemably evil. Together, we shall rule the galaxy! Aww, what an adorable, little kajigger.

Um, uh-- Please take your seats for act two. But I'm not done vomiting!

surprise!

Wait a minute. You're Bender. Of course. Who said I wasn't? But why were you wearing that scarf and the turtleneck and this fruity number? It's a little thing called style. Look it up sometime.

It just keeps comin' and comin'.

Hey, where's my shoes? (ALL GASPING) Fry? I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas? Trust me, don't ask. Okay, dork. Listen, I'm going to hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit... Hang on. It's time to sort things out.

Approved for all audiences! No! NARRATOR: And now, the spicy finale of The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan. That was a close call, but we saved Earth.

This thing is 40% chromium!

These candies are chalky and unpleasant! And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"? Surely it says "love." No. "Wuv," with an Earth "W." Behold. This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

All right. I'll take the Red Rocket.

(CLEARS THROAT) (MIMICS OMINOUS MUSIC) Your singing is awful. I can't take it anymore.

I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left. Well, now I've heard everything. On my iPod. So, do you have a new plan, Professor? And is there any hope left?

(BOTH GASP) I can't watch... Enough. Oh, no! Hey, wait a minute.

Look, sweetie, I get it. You're jealous because Zapp likes me now and not you. But don't worry, this isn't a competition. Although he did say I'm a better kisser. I am not jealous. Also... Yuck!

a radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy! (LAUGHING) Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon.

You bastard!

Ah-roo!

It's time to shut down nappster.com. Who's in charge of this dump? That'd be me. If you're an investor, you can dump your money in the hole there. Listen, you fat Internet nerd. Listening. Your company promotes wrong love.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Get your... ALL: Yay! Poor Lando. This is just how I want to remember him. Too bad, 'cause he's still alive.

- That's the only thing about being a slave. - Attention! You are now possessions of the great Pharaoh Hamenthotep, heir to the Tenth Dynasty, bringer of the good aspects of the annual floods.

This is wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're 1,000 years old? Your bio says you're 27. Lies! I change my identity and upgrade my appearance every few decades to avoid suspicion. I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny.

I tell ya, that Butch runs a pretty good civilization. I think I'll enjoy serving under him. Uh! You know your problem, Fry? You're not ambitious. You should be chief.

That's some primordial evil. This skell here buys stolen robots, strips 'em down, and sells the parts all over the galaxy. (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) Okay, I'm getting a signal from Bender's RoJack.

I think he's hiding something and I'm going to find out what it is. Try and stop me.

From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! "It was just Bender's programming!" Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty! Bailiffs, get that innocent robot out of my courtroom. Guilty!

NARRATOR: Enclosed as a PDF attachment, a picture of yourself, in a boat, on a river. It's a river that flows in two directions. Make that three. It's a magic river, that's how. And it's flowing down the eerie canal to The Scary Door. That's "eerie" with two E's.

It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too. - So-- - Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it. Bender, stop!

Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it! All right, I'm coming.

Oh. Now I'm really outraged. Where did you requisition this party? And, Zoidberg, what are you doing here? I'm networking. Let me give you my card.

The president is gagging on my gas bladder. What an honor. Wha-- Oh, right.

I love you, Bender. I love you, too. Get that stupid chip out of me before I kill myself.

Uh... Not bad. A hint of Vitalis and... Whoa!

Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonight. Across the galaxy, my people are completing the mighty space fleet... that will exterminate the human race!

Of course! You don't have friends! Yeah! Why do these popular kids consider you cool all of a sudden? Um, we're just cool is all. Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cool using the Coolometer.

Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. Come on!

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Now hold out your hand. I'm going to implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. Keep that thing away from me.

I didn't recognize you with your head all swollen. But it looks better now. I guess the blood must have rushed somewhere else. Guys, guys! Chef Fritz accidentally got thrown down an icy slope! I'm the sausage champion! (WHOOPING) No further questions!

(NOISY MUSIC AND CHATTER) Hey, I know that guy.

And then, we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be, like... Precisely.

Fry, you saved my ass out there. Aw! I couldn't let anything happen to something that shiny. And, Dr. Zoidberg, it was your quick thinking...

Nothing. Nothing. Crap. Crap. Garbage. Read 'em and leak saltwater.

Well, I'm runnin' away from this dead-end family. I know there's a place for people like me with new ideas! There has to be! Fine. Get going. Oh, I'm goin'. And you're gonna be all, "Where's Bender? I miss Bender." We won't know that until you leave. Oh, I'm leavin'! There's the door.

Moron!

You got it. Right after these 800 people get it. (CHATTERING) Beer, beer-beer, beer, beer. - (FANFARE PLAYING) - Beer? Ah... yeah! Thank you, Headless Clone of Agnew. My fellow Earthicans,

I nominate that Guy! not just because he has a suit, but because he knows about business and stuff, and he has a tie.

I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. So Leela's in your body?

So, y'all flew here in a spacey ship?

Why can't you accept his help? I hate him! But he's just a tool to make your life easier, like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit. I can't ask for his help because-- Yes? I'm scared of him.

It's no use. We were going full speed when we fired him. So he's going even faster than that! You mean, we can never catch up to him? Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?

I'll tell Fry to wash out, among other things, his ear. No! Fry can't know anything about the mission. If he finds out, the worms will try to defend themselves. They know everything he knows. They know how to make ice cream soup? Leela, your role is to distract Fry, so he doesn't notice what we're up to.

Snake eyes.

(MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) Hand magnet power! (CLICKS TONGUE) Yay! I'm unbuckled! (CLICKS TONGUE) Stop it, you hero! Reverse-time power! (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) It's earlier now. (MIMICKING KISSING)

Thank you, Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all, disproven evolution. Behold! Homo Farnsworth, frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, Homo Farnsworth. Once again, science saves the day. The end. And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! In very short order, Leela has become a fan favorite. Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Uuh!

Oh! I like your nerd glasses. Are you a college student? A college student? (LAUGHING) Because if you are, I'd like to invite you to a hot sorority party tonight. Yes, I'd like to enroll in college. You're still talking to me.

They say a spoonful of space honey... helps ease the pain.

I hated Jim!

Here's something. It looks like a ditch full of fried shrimp. What are you? Blind? It looks more like a hole full of fried prawns. Hmm, this thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.

Hey, Butch, your mom's here. Aw, man. Come on, kids! You're lAte For Hebrew School! I don't wanna go. Every Monday and Wednesday, it's the same thing.

Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Spock? Hey, do the thing. I don't do that anymore.

Ah. Fire. (SCREAMING) It burns! It burns!

Lady and gentleman, how 'bout a hand for my temporary replacement assistant? I was all in this part. It's magic. You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard! Stop!

Ah, yes, foxhunting. If there's one thing I know, it's everything about it. What's that weird cat? (SIGHS) This is the fox we'll be hunting today.

Here at his gravesite, loyal fans have turned out by the several to pay tribute to the legendary ham. What brings you two here today? We came to honor Calculon's memory. Ever since he died, All My Circuits is terrible. It's not even worth watching anymore. (GASPS) Fry! All My Circuits is on in three minutes! What? We got to get home!

You what? Right now? But I need a little romance first. Maybe a vanilla candle or something? Commence intercourse! Those giant guns are making me feel sort of inadequate. I'm not sure if I can... Move it. I've got to get home and do laundry.

Whoo. I've been through the adventure of a lifetime. Ow! I'm back, baby.

Five, four, three, two--

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Party on, Slurms. Party on, contest winners.

That's my joke. I'll kill you! Oh!

Where to, ladies? Please, sir, let's just divide up the check and-- Let's see what this eatery can do. Ah! She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro.

The only time I feel all right is in my dreams... with you. Three spoonfuls. Then I can dream forever. One. Two.

Kif, I'm headed to the men's room, and I'll be needing an attendant, so-- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. It's all right. I've always thought of myself as a father figure... to some of my more pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's rap.

Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him.

Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps.

Uh... listen, Zapp-- Now you're officially my woman. Kudos. I can't say I don't envy you. Zapp, last night was a mistake. A sexy mistake. No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity. A split second is all it takes.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Uh-oh. That death scene was almost half believable. Cobb looks jealous and insecure. How's his ego doing? It's shrinking. Faster, Professor, kill, kill. Activating anti-fungal ray.

man and man. Our poodle has two daddies. BENDER: Interracial, interplanetary, even ghost and horse, but not robot and human!

Oh, Calculon, it's so good to get away from the city... and that beastly yet intriguing Bender. Whoo! And try this, kids at home!

Man, I can't wait to tell everyone what happened. Uh, yes. Incidentally, I need to remain undercover, so I'm blanking your memory. Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second? Oh, well, let's go home, you dumb poop machine.

Executive? It's a meaningless title. But it helps insecure people feel better about themselves.

How about these cookies, sugar?

Now, which one of you is the captain? Oh, my. I haven't picked a new captain yet. It's always so hard to choose. Ooh. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. Mmm... you.

I am Bender Please insert girder

It's no use.

You mean like... Bender! Shh! We have to be careful not to remind her! What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend, and now he's dead! (SOBBING) Nah, I'm just kidding. My pastor helped me through my grief.

(SHRIEKING) A giant sausage!

Shh. Be very quiet. We're in the ear. Okay, Professor. What? What about what?

Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that. Maybe he'll die if I rub him all over with it, real slow. (GRUNTING) (WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics!

Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up. Sorry, not with that attitude. Okay, then screw it. Welcome aboard, brother! All right! You're out.

Let's take him out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3-- Thanks a lot, Takei! Now everybody knows!

It's time to take action.

Don't worry, it gets wider after about a mile. Idiot. Idiot. Okay, okay, never mind.

Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love... a computerized image of a gorgeous celebrity, which, it turns out, is a lot. Oh, Fry. I love you more than the moon and the stars and the-- Poetic image number 37 not found.

Futurama is brought to you by: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth. One, two! one, two, three!

I said you two don't dress trampy enough! I still got it!

Driving gloves, driving goggles, driving thong. There. Uh, maybe I should drive. You? A woman? I'm trying to catch a monster, not find the quickest route to the mall! Let me just adjust the seat.

Whimmy wham-wham wozzle!

Take them to the laundry brig.

The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong However, in light of his years of service and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges. Dismiss all charges? Your Honor, I know the case is closed and you've rendered your verdict but I want to testify.

This is it, the moment we should have trained for.

Hey, guys, look what I bought on a wild impulse--

The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air. Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air. Then, he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?

Ah, Fry! I'll miss you! Y'all come back, now, you hear?

Oh, my, adrift in deepest space with a vicious alien killer aboard! Any one of us could be next. Fry, Bender, Jackie Jr., Leela... (SNARLING) That took longer than I expected.

But can I "ax" you something?

Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X. Oh, yeah. We were totally in sync. I was like, "Save them!" And he was all, "No problem." And then he did it. His new technology is great. I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends.

Boy, I've never seen him so down... or ever before.

You can brew your own beer? Sure. The kids at the orphanarium used to do it all the time.

What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boltbag. Ooh. Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day. Labor Day? That phony-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters? That's the one. Hot damn. A day off.

This is it.

So, what do you say, RD? Shall I dazzle the damned with a command performance of my one-man show? Oh, God! Haven't they suffered enough? (ROBOTS SCREAMING)

Fry, the title of captain may inflate the human ego, but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic. Now, look spry, men! We launch at six bells.

Wait a minute.

Fry? How'd you find me? I used the Find My Robot app. BENDER: Neat. What was it, 99 cents? No, free. But it's got ads on it. That seems fair. Look, Bender, I'm sorry for doubting you. I realize now that you're a true hero, not a glory seeking arsonist. How'd you figure it out?

Death to all humans! Free soda for all humans!

Uh... uh, listen, Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?

Eyesight is for chumps. Their desire to keep living shows me no respect. Hey, Blotto, roll down the window and start shooting. Um-- Oh, uh--

Up yours, chump. I said it 906 times before lunch.

(GASPS) You don't mean... Oh, but I do. If you stop partying for a single second, you'll explode and kill everyone here in a fireball of melted gears and splattered bowels! Sounds like a party, baby! Ooh, yeah!

These letters are real butt nutters. Listen to this one. "Dear Santa--" Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun... really tore up my insides.

Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdie. No mutants on the surface.

I may have a burgling familiarity with it.

Calculon? Yes? Are you done talking, or is this a long pause? I'm done talking. Okay, that's what I thought.

Whoo! Get a load of this average-looking guy. That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have kind of a crush on him. One Eye, One Eye! Stupid as a French guy! One Eye, One Eye, One Eye, One Eye--

Hey, that's my watch. I was wondering where I put that. Hey! Now I feel much better. Thanks, Professor and, Amy-- Sorry I took your watch.

Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just tryin' to get through a difficult time using humor. Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks. Help me! For God's sake, help me! Oh, don't worry, Fry.

I.C. Wiener? Oh, crud.

Whup his butt!

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) The pee-babies peed themselves.

There are many good reasons to eat: hunger, boredom wanting to be the world's fattest man but not revenge.

I'm acting astonished.

We demand justice. As you ate our children, so shall you be eaten by us. We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten. Transmission over.

Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings. And now, to make sure you won't talk... I'm going to have to do something really impulsive. So, Fry... what do you think of the impulsive new me?

Now I'm all you got!

(ELECTRIC BLEEP) (SCREAMING)

Son of a... Let me just insert lens in microscope. There, now, for the first time, we may be able to see the infinitesimal fabric of matter itself, laying bare the most fundamental laws of the universe.

Throw her in the brig. We don't have a brig. Then throw her in the laundry room which will hereafter be referred to as the brig.

You'll be the captain you'll be the delivery boy and you'll be the alcoholic foul-mouthed-- Oh, God, you're alive!

I wrote this one-man show years ago, but I... I never cared enough to perform it. Until now. This is going to be the greatest career resurrection since Jesus, Aloha from Hawaii.

Not physically but why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela? I tried to run you over? It was very sweet of you, Bender. Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two. Words, nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears. Enough with the feelings, you two.

Nikolai, you imperial fool. We've been having an affair for 700 years.

Sounds like your kind of place, Fry. Want to go? Nah. If I ever want to go back to the year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again. Come on, Fry. I really wanna see it. You know how I yearn for a simpler time... a time of barn dances and buggy rides before life was cheapened by heartless, high-tech machines.

Yeesh. That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps. You remind me of my old friend Bender. Yeah? Where does he safely live? I don't know. Hey, you want to come to my house and play? Yeah, sounds like freakin' fun. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Get your mind out of the gutter! What about in the gutter? Professor, there's nothing wrong with robosexuality. Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults. Or one. Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay as long as my parents don't find out. (SPEAKS CANTONESE)

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Safe.

It takes more than that to surprise me. Bender. (YELLS) What you doing, little buddy? Ah, yeah, Uncle Bender, he's your friend. (GROWLING) (SCREAMS) Huh?

Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird? Zoidbee want balloon. Want balloon now! Zoidbee want go outside! Ah, I just let you back in!

My life is over. No, it isn't. You have another ten years left. Leela, he could live another hundred years. No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet,

Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling... you're only goin' with girls 'cause you're supposed to?

And not one of those bogus, everyday miracles, like a sunrise.

His name is you and me - Don't melt me down into a crowbar - That suffers alone just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs Arms and legs, hey Or toss me into a trash can Bender, what are you doing? just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs What are you doing? Don't crush me into an anchor Yo, what's the dillio?

Another year, another generation of pups fathered by me, Beachmaster. (ALL LAUGHING QUIETLY) I'm the greatest, baby! You go, Beachmaster!

To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion, I shall pit you against each other in armed combat... to the death! Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that? Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77!

Okay, then screw it. Welcome aboard, brother! All right! You're out.

Uh, about the success of this quest... Was there any? Quite possibly. But we monks have sworn an oath to resist the temptation of... Any of you guys got a spaceship?

Also, they told me you guys look like dorks. They look like dorks! Oh, I'm gonna...

Whoo!

Fresh-killed bait. (CHOKING) (SHIVERS) Can we get inside the shack? I'm wearing a belly parka.

Hello, Fry. Can I interest you in some surf and turf? No, thanks. I just came to tell you that Zoidberg's really great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo. Well, that is where it comes out but jelly isn't everything. I know Zoidberg's magical words were really yours.

Of course he still exists-- as a frozen corpse in outer space. Oh, I made myself sad.

U.F.O.! U.F.O.!

But I was captured and imprisoned. Fools! Then you arrived and provided me a means of escape. Get to the point, flame-o. If I can't rule the sun, I shall ignite your planet and rule here instead.

Where it is, I can't say, but on your face it's not! What? Ah, I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero-- me, Bender. My God! They must have taken it last night.

You mean the vast migration of Star Wars fans? Uh, no. That was the Star Wars trek.

I'm leaving you.

Why are you trying to talk to me? I have no idea. You just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn't make sense. Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense... but okay. Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin. You seem malnourished.

Give it up, Fry. I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.

While I try to restore our normal ages, I expect you all to go about your jobs like responsible professionals. It wasn't me, Mr. "F." It was Amy. Stop it, Amy. You stink!

What a lonely life.

That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive. You wish, you slimy worm. Hi-yah! Oh! Good work, Glermo.

And the winner is Nerdgasma! Whoo! I got fruit boobs! (CHEERING) (SIGHS) What's the use?

(ALL CHEER) Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead.

Those guys normally stink. That's why we play them exclusively. Those cheaters must have cheated! Now, Larry, let's deal with this like mature adults. Mommy!

Yeah, she sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away. Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling... you're only goin' with girls 'cause you're supposed to? What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please, just concentrate on staying alive.

Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous!

So then my chair tilted back and I almost fell into this freezer thingy. I call it a Hawking Chamber. But instead of falling in and getting frozen I missed and wanged my head. Well, it's obvious what should have happened. That wang to the head should have killed you. Uh, what? Let's finish the job. No, wait! There must be a peaceful--

(FIRING) (SCREAMS) Go, me!

You home from school, you traitor? I fell through the ice. Cut me some slack. Nobody cut me any slack when I broke my spine. Didn't even take a day off of work. Lot of people depend on you when you sell trampolines door-to-door.

I don't know, Bender. You got to admit, the pattern of fires is suspicious, being a perfect shape and all. We can't have an arsonist in our midst. We can have four idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonists. Now clean out your locker and beat it!

Far out. So there's an infinite number of parallel universes? No. Just the two. Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough. I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me.

Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life. She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-- Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy! Metal fever! Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody.

Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away-- Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy the guy who invented Coca-Cola, the Magician, and the other so-called gods of our legends-- though gods they were... and also, Jane Fonda was there.

Whoo! I'll just cut that... You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.

Curse my natural showmanship! You big, fat fraud! You're not really broken! But you will be in a minute! Bum-rush the stage! Get him!

Once again, science saves the day. The end. And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember. Ow! Smeesh, Professor.

Kiff, we have a conundrum.

1947 can kiss my shiny metal--

I didn't hurt you, did I?

The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet. New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to bury its never-ending output of garbage.

Hey, just 'cause he's your boyfriend doesn't mean you get him all to yourself. He's mine! There's nothing more to talk about. No, no, keep talking. Amy, I hope I'm not out of line, but... Shut up, Kif. How dare you talk that way to my Kif?

Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping.

And what's that? Candy? Candy's for dorks. Give me that. Mm, mm, mmm!

No! According to this gizmometer, Fry is dead and nothing can bring him back. Remarkable!

Oh, my, yes! Speaking of which, my story petered out without me learning a lesson. There he is! All right! Closure! Oww!

Sorry, but we're totally sealed in. Nothing can get in or out... except millions of snakes. Here, have a pomegranate schnapps from my private distillery... and start sharing fond memories of me, Bender. What proof is this-- some huge number?

Oh, God, my tract.

How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions? (ALL GASPING) I'm awake, I'm awake! Order, order! Counselor, I am a robot myself. Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed...

Hey! That galaxy's signaling in binary! I gotta signal back! But I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. - You speak English? - I do now. Whoa-whoa, whoa! Oh.

Uh, Your Majesty I brought the prisoners. Well, my curious friends, you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive. You wish, you slimy worm.

Be Happy

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Do the Bender! Do the Bender! No, thank you. I said, do it!

Why does Ross, the largest "Friend," not simply eat the other five? Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.

Greetings. It's A... Pleasure to meet you. And our summer intern, Deep Blue the world's foremost chess-playing computer. Bishop to knight four. Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that. Where am I, anyway?

Femputer sentences them to death...

I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're just a carbon-based life-form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium.

Request for explanation of incident meeting. Number one point zero. Number one point zero.

Wait, a what's-a-whatzo? A paparazzo. You know, a celebrity photographer. But it's not for everyone. You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth, loiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs and get spat on by the beautiful people. Hmm, I don't know. How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you.

Coward Man away! (WOMAN SCREAMS)

Oh, no. Someone you know must've died. I hope it was one of my enemies. Those guys suck. Oh, no! My Uncle Vladimir. Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral? Tomorrow at the family castle. Followed by the reading of his will. Well, I'm rich.

He was only about 20 yards from here. Madam, I am in command now. Such a man.

I'm afraid you're both out of your league, boys 'cause you're looking at a woman who owns her own harpoon. Harpoon, my ass. Okay. Let's see now. Which bait to use...

This wangs chung. After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever. No heat. No power. Huddled together in fear, like lice in a burning wig.

Continuing our coverage of a tragic, but faraway, story. The crisis on Pluto worsens... as dark matter spreads throughout the penguin habitat. The images are truly horrific.

I don't care if it's 3:00 p.m. Open up and hide me! I don't think so, Bender. You deserted me once, and now it's your turn to, quote, "feel the chill." Ha! (TRAIN CHUGGING) (SCREAMING)

That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc. Besides, I'm not on trial here. That's true. You're on trial in Courtroom Three. You are charged with two counts of burgle-arson-arceny. How do you plead? Not inno-guilty-cent.

I've had it with your tardiness, Fry. I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else. Well, wait a second. Leela's not here yet. She left a while ago. She said some idiot was taking her to lunch for her birthday. Oh, no, I'm late!

(FIRING) I'll have to re-edit the program. Rose Mary, have we got any type of machinery to edit tape? ROSE MARY: Oh, you know we do. Time for Dickie to get tricky. (MUSIC PLAYS)

Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall, I would rate it a "C"-plus. Okay; not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet but neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality. Way to overact, Zoidberg.

Could you hold my purse for a minute?

I'll kill you! Oh!

Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my... or someone else's imagination? No. Get out. Next?

Another case closed, my dear Watson. Morgan, come back. He's stuck in a loop. For I was blind but now I see. The cat's out of the bag now. Mr. Bender, about last night-- That was just a... a misunderstanding. Oh, you didn't understand?

Grunka lunka dunkity darmed-guards... Shut the hell up!

It all started with Gerald Ford's famous invention the automo-car, which was powered by a tank of burning fossils. Here we see a 20th-century assembly line where cars were constructed by primitive robots. Ooh-gah, ooh-gah, ooh-gah! Ooh-gah, ooh-gah, ooh-gah!

Interesting. Apparently, the key difference between our universes... is that coin flips have opposite outcomes. That explains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish-- fog hat gray. Hey, bite my glorious golden ass! You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home.

Sometimes when we're mad We say words that are bad And "poo-poo" and "pee-pee" and "penis" and "gay"

Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah. Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen! We'll have to shoot it again. No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. But this guy Was-- Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer.

Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam! Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome! It's not ironic. It's just coincidental.

Whoa! Hey! Okay, Clamps, now. Oh, that's gotta clamp! Flexo, are-are you okay? Yeah. Never better. Nah, I'm yankin' your chain. I'm dyin'.

The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get a "Amen"? I'll take a-three-men. Holla!

Sir, are you aware that you're leaking coolant - at an alarming rate? Uh... Let me just patch you up with some hot resin. I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait... wait.

That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.

So? I'm already super strong. And my arms do this. Yah! Also, I got this goin'.

I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined. Man, you are such a jokester. I'll never have another moment of happiness.

Get a job, you lazy kids.

One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of omicron Persei 8!

Now, we'll find out if the operation was a success! Hold onto your hats. Oh! I'm sorry.

Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

He's walking on sunshine now. This makes me the oldest member of my family.

What the hell is that?

Now if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver... Wait. What fiddle contest? Uh... the fairness in hell act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul.

(BEEPING) I'm afraid your heart has suffered a lot of damage, Mr. Fry, and my cleavage isn't helping. Not helping him. One more sudden shock will kill you. Sudden? That's just the kind of one more shock I was planning.

After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men.

It contains a parallel universe. And when you create a parallel universe, it's almost always populated by evil twins.

Of course. Long before the Benders devour the Earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off. This is a problem that will solve itself. A problem that solves itself? That sounds like a job for me, Bender. (SNORING)

Geez. What does it take to kill me? Bender, you blew out your excess capacity. You're cured! Sweet mercy! My hellish nightmare is over! I never have to party again.

(SCREAMING) (LOUD SLAMMING)

(SCREAMING) A big, fat roach! What? I thought I put that away. No, there!

So what did you think of the movie? Uh... too much romance not enough human killing. Yeah, it was a real chick flick.

I love each and every robot most of all. Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass.

What did you do now? Stop doing things.

You know what, Fry? I don't care... if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now. Then I am the most important person in the universe. Yes!

(LAUGHING) (GROWLING) I wish I had more living relatives.

Let's mutiny.

I've gone too far! Who does that guy think I am!

That's it. I'll take you on right now. Very well, but you see, I have the will of the warrior.

Why, you! Oh, no, you didn't.

Ahh. Amy, what I'm trying to say is I think maybe you and I should stop-- Oh-oh. Here, you drive.

Why? Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you. What is the matter with you? I just wanted to be part of the moment. - Hey! He stole my ring. - Sorry.

Yeah, but it'll never bring back my Martini. Well, who wants a Martini? Good work, everyone.

Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade. But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain. Exactly. (ALL GASPING)

(SNARLS) Is it safe to come... (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAMING)

Parapets, battlements, everything my Big Book of Castles promised. I'm gonna sneak a closer look. Bender, you'll let me know if we have to cheese it, right? First law of robotics, baby.

Ah. So quiet, so peaceful. Time to lower my guard even for a minute. (SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack.

Divorce is final. What?

(GASPS) Manwiches?

Look, Daddy. I'm hugging God. Mm. Mm. Maybe if I hug him real hard, he'll save us from-- Oh, it tickles! Oh, uh-- Aw, oh.

And, so, we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth. Filings to filings, rust to rust.

"A" is for a...

I can hit it with a shovel. That's not good enough. This one time, I pounded a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel. Yes, yes.

Uh-- Geez, don't get upset. I mean, okay, I outwitted you, but--

Bender, why don't I just live in here? In a closet? Oh, humans.

What? All right, boss. Give the word, and I'll drop this unbendable girder-- clamp, clamp, ka-bamp! Remember, only kill the one with the beard. That other filthy scab, we got nothin' against.

Ooh! Oh, baby! Mmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered bones. Wow, Nude hot tubbing? That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day.

The hard part was getting the brain out.

Oh, I think I got whiplash.

We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another. And it led there again when we got home. Congratulations, Fry. You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich.

if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star. Of course. Tell me about the project. It's a movie. - Interesting. Tell me more. - Get this. For a scant one-million-dollar investment, you can be the star. And?

That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza... so I can share the food I love with the people I like. Holy hell! You're going to eat them? Oh! Well, just make sure you eat them all. You're a growing boy. Toodle-oo! Dumb ass. What a nice lady.

Come on! Baby needs a new pair of shoes! To hell with your spoiled baby. I need those shoes!

That's so interesting.

So there's nothing to be curious about.

According to the high-precision digital chronograph... it's july 9, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into... this pinup calendar.

Hey, unless this is a nude love-in get the hell off my property.

Got ya! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Shoot him! He's choking me! No, shoot him! He's choking me! I don't know which one to shoot. Flexo! Shoot Flexo.

you blathering ninnyhammer. Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with. Why? 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters,

(BIRDS SQUAWKING) (SCREAMING) So, he didn't really want to marry me? No. See, he knew you left everything to your parakeets in your will. He was going to murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone.

Got ya!

That just raises further questions.

You stink, loser. LEELA: Hey, Fry! Pizza going out! Come on!

They are an ancient order... that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope, high in the Himalayas, to search for him. You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender? What am I, psychic? I mean-- Yes!

Organized crime is a plague on our society, and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during... All rise for the Honorable Judge 724. Good day. I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate several, if not all forms of intimidation during this trial.

What up, Dr. Z? Yo, yo, yo, whassup? Whassup? Give up the rock! Coed steam rooms...

what if I was 500 feet tall? Let's watch, shall we?

Banditos, eh? Ah, this is great, 'cause I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent. "I will say adee-oos, Pad-ree. "Come, jesus, my faithful chi-hoo-you-a. Tonight, we eat gee-ooh-wacka-mole by the El Rio."

I'm paying them. Gather around, gang. Here are your paychecks. I can finally afford my speech therapy. And the health plan covers my generic Prozac. Electricity, plumbing, our lives are a jillion times better.

Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

By current academic standards you're merely a high school dropout. What?! That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm going to enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again. You won't last two weeks. Ah, thanks for believing in me.

Could Bender be setting these fires just so he can be a hero? Oh, I don't know. Possible, feasible. Maybe. Yeah, probably.

(CREW SCREAMING) (ROARING) (ENGINE SPUTTERING) (SCREAMING) BENDER: God, shield your eyes!

Oh, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard. Let me show you the bedroom.

Put on the hat, Guenter. You're the only one who can save us. Stupid monkey. No! Not there. Keep trying.

You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81. You mean Brannigan's Law? Right. That law. Which one? Brannigan's Law.

Yeah, I do it all. Clamping, crimping, occasional snipping.

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Does anyone recognize those call letters? Nope. It's not in the Janeway's guide, either. Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the chamber of understanding. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Move it, crap-for-brains! Bug off! Get home, bastard man!

It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug! You kept track of it all these years. Oh, no! I'm boned! I haven't paid into the pension, either. What'll I do when I retire? I thought you were retired. Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age. I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.

You know what these would go great with? Rocks.

Fry and Zoidberg shall fight to the death for the claw of the beautiful Edna! But I don't want her! Once invoked, the sacred tradition of Claw Plock cannot be taken back. It is a recent tradition, only 18 years old but it is a tradition nonetheless!

You got any, um, you know, um-- Speak up. You're muttering. I said, uh, human horn? You're not a cop, right? Oh, no. I'm just some guy. Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!

From now on, I'm going to bend what I want when I want, who I want. I am unstoppable! Aah. I don't know how you did that.

I won't be gone long, Seymour. just wait here till I come back.

Look, Bender. It's Patch Cord Adams. He heals with the power of laughter. Come on. Take it. What's the matter? Can't move your arms? Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now. Hey, here's a giggle.

i'm Walking On Sunshine oh-oh-oh...

Bender, are you all right? No. Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.

Well, not that shocked. I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all-- Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well, you can go rot for all I care. Nah, I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

Ah, bathtub eggnog. just the way Grandma used to drink. Eww! It went sour! Can't I have a scented bath in peace? Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right? Yes, yes, yes!

Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect. Right? Except for the word "blern," that was complete gibberish.

just stay put and enjoy this calendar.

A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it.

Who knew? Good work, writer of The Matrix. FRY: This is it, room 1119. Aw! It's my relatives. I'm gonna call them Gram-gram and Shabba-doo. They look just like you, Fry. Arms, legs, ugly. Too bad we can't visit them in their virtual world.

Okay, headless body of Agnew, let's blow this joint.

Next up, in what is generously called "the talent competition"

so I could rule the Amazonians. But why? Why? Why? I came here from a faraway planet, a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer... that was really a manbot.

Oh, Fry! Uh, wait! Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second. Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the professor's ear wax. Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with-- What the...?

Ow! What was that for?! Hey, come on! That hurt!

Dearly beloved, it is with the great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You vile racist. Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault.

Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you've got the heart of a robot.

but, well, I really like you and whatever, but I think we should just be friends. No!

(CHEERING) There must be something to steal on this island. Hey, it's Leela. (ALL CHEERING) Let's go home, everybody. At least the world wasn't destroyed. Yet. AUTOMATED VOICE: People of Earth!

In Mexico, I believe. And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten, and plenty of it. Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust fan. Pervert. Yoo-hoo!

Anyway, we like it here. Like you have a choice. So, what's your problem? Not enough-- Duh-- Memory? Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face. Oh, God! No! I want to live!

Oh-ho! Oh. So while they're towing us you want to do it? Yeah. Yo-ho-ho-ho!

And look, you don't need an electric can opener to feed yourself. All you need is a trusty Swiss Army knife. Ow! I'm hungry.

Here's to Amy, single, lonely and fabulous.

robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet,

Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping.

ANd i-i-i Will always Love you Will always love you The humans are attacking!

Hello! Pizza delivery! For, uh... "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud.

We kept it gray. Sir, please. I must locate the disk with my friend's brain on it. Very well. But your bureaucratic license will be revoked if you fail to sort the master in-pile by closing time. 1:00 p.m. That's only four minutes from now.

Psst. Over there. Where? I mean over here. Sorry, I forgot where I was.

Huuh!

Chapter Two. The heat thickens.

And now for the finishing touch. Ah, the cycle of bureaucracy.

Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats. Professor Katz, would you mind... Miss Wong, I mind everything. You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge by ratcheting superconducting wire down into... (SNEEZES) Sorry.

Wait!

You old lunatic! How ya been? Ah, not bad. Not bad. Everybody on the floor! This is a stickup! Ahhh! Yeah, I'm doin' okay too. I'm takin' a Chinese cooking class at the Learning Annex. Cool. C-Can you give me a hand here? Sure thing, pal.

You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home.

Here. - These kids yours? - Yeah. Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility. That's me, baby. Let me just ditch the kids in an alley, and we can go have some fun. Daddy Bender? Son?

for Earth! That's not Earth. Oh.

(CLEARING THROAT) What? Your awards show. I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I had a very good reason. Perhaps you'd favor us with it? My pleasure. You see, I came down with a searing case of "who-gives-a-crap?"

If it please the Council...

Me for my hatred of a mechanical fox that tore up my sign and who I'd like to throttle, and you for hunting an innocent robot. Well, a robot who didn't harm you personally. Today. Probably. But most of all, I blame you, hunt master.

Ah... some good, old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off. Ow. Ow, ow!

Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension... as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses. Like me! The culprits: shameless poachers... hunting humans without a permit. The valuable nose, or "human horn,"

This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated. Bingo! That's Leela. Thank you, Professor. I'm happy Bender can finally feel my pain. Happy... I like this feeling. just don't revert to your usual mopey self. I'm not mopey. You shut up. Anger, huh?

to stay in just long enough to make us our right ages again. Wheee! Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much, already! Help!

Only 14.99 for a two-record set? Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

I suppose you're wondering why my flesh has melded with that of a giant space whale. I'll admit to a polite interest. At first I was consumed by a dark obsession to kill the whale.

Heel, boy! Heel! Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy. That's nice. I was just out walkin' him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters.

hid it in the coelacanth tank. No one but a crazy lobster would look there. It's gone! All hail, Zoidberg, the king with the box. Now it's my turn maybe?

Man, Bender and I used to love watching All My Circuits together. Now what are we supposed to do at the office instead of work? How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for. If we talk to each other any more than that, it'll ruin our friendship.

What do you stupid voters want now? What possible objection could you have to the G.I. Zapp cartoon? MAN: It's too violent. Oh! Very well. As leader of the free world, it is my solemn duty to put an end to cartoon violence.

Crap Spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot... and classify it as a light truck. Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the team. What a fool I was! If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot.

Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at 11:00. This is the news at 11:00. The mysterious and unexplained-- Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest-- Won three Grammys last night-- Found dead in her bathtub.

Oh. I don't want to go through that. I want you to kill me. All right. Give me the knife.

Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela. COMPUTER: Analyzing. Analyzing. Checking my eBay bid. (BUZZER SOUNDING) Damn it! Analysis complete. Hey, I was nuzzling that.

Do you have any gum? No.

Change places!

Nah, I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kiff? Sex-lexia.

You're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white.

That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned. Let's all go to the lobby.

Boo! Go to hell!

Ah, yes! john Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste. What does it taste like? Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste. All right, all right! So the machine produces a few toxic by-products.

(LOW WHINING SOUND) (GASPS) He's alive. At least his butt is. (BENDER GRUNTING) Fry? Bender. I knew you wouldn't abandon me for much more than a week. What's happening? Why is his butt glowing?

(READING TEXT ALOUD)

(TRUCK BEEPING) (HORN PLAYING FUNERAL MARCH) (TIRES SCREECHING) He did it! He actually did it this time.

Fry, where's your brain slug? Poor little guy starved to death.

You just say that because you're primitive.

What's the point? Bender, no! Suicide isn't necessarily the answer. It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth. They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cell phone around.

Oh!

My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth, and you killed them!

Ye-ah! Yee!

Mr. Fry, I'm Dr. Ben Beeler, the paleontologist who discovered your dog. Or, as some call it, the Beeler-saurus. So, do I get Seymour back? Are you caving to political pressure? No, we're sorry, but there's just too much that fossil can teach us... about dogs from your time. His name was Seymour.

Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them. Being human isn't just about being happy. It's about loving, and fighting, and that Rasta McNasty we were doing last night. (LAUGHS) We want that back. Very well. Perhaps it is I who have learned a lesson,

That's what makes it so juicy. It's a forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. First I'll say, "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it." And they'll say, "Who, Bender, who?" And I'll say... "It was lovable old Bender."

And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR. And then later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

What the hell are you doing?

Let's see him outrun a V-2! It's my brains against your Von Braun! Ach! I could have fired a V-8! (GRUNTS)

Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips. I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool. Windmills do not work that way! Good night!

never letting it out of my sight. Where is it, damn it? Oh, right. I let this innocuous fellow use it. Kill all humans! Whoa, whoa, whoa. A toy Bender had free will, and the real Bender didn't? Pretty cool, eh? It makes you think.

Professor, you're my only hope. If you love me even a little, build me some kind of free will unit. A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not,

Hey, you want to come to my house and play? Yeah, sounds like freakin' fun. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah. There we are. One gravity pump powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so-- Off you go, apparently.

I'm just not capable of the happiness of the dumb.

Next up, in what is generously called "the talent competition" performing a traditional gangster rap, Miss-- What the-- Got ya! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

It's time we solved this problem the old-fashioned way. By shooting it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you can't give everybody guns. What if one of us is the creature? It could be any of us. Fry. Leela. Amy. Zoidberg. Zoidberg. (ALL WHIMPERING)

Fat-bot, no! When I get nervous, I get hungry. Cheese it! Robot House!

I'm putting together a big drama picture right now as we speak. The script is dynamite. I know, because I wrote it myself. And with me directing and starring, I'll be back on top... after 50 miserable years... of fame.

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Oh, no! I don't care 'cause the master's gone away it's toe-tappingly tragic.

Okay, no cops, no laws, no rules. Now here are the rules.

The whale-- he be white now! Ow! Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with Queequeg. Is there Mrs. Queequeg?

Ho, ho, ho. Everyone's dead.

Who's Robot 1-x? Launching! So, I guess everything worked out fine.

Wiggles?

Yes, easily. Hey, what if Fry wasn't actually dead when we buried him? You know, like julia Roberts. Well, I suppose there's a slim-- I don't believe it! What is it? Is Fry alive in some other dimension or something?

It's Santa. Ho... Ho... Ho!

Fry touched the royal jelly in the space hive, leaving an imprint of his D.N.A. and brain waves. Then, when it spilled on the couch, it recombined with trace amounts of Fry's hair and skin-- And blood! Don't forget about Fry's blood. Yes, Bender, thank you. In short, the various fluids Fry left in the couch...

Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day!

Well, I have studied abroad...

Scary Door! Blernsday Night Blernsball! Futurama!

But I suppose it's this medal I'm most proud of, Wiggles. I won it for saving the children of Earth from a giant kangaroo. It was on the Australian news. You probably didn't see it. Brilliant! Would you cram a sock in it, Bender!

BENDER: Hey, what are you doing? Cut that out. Hey, you got me under control. FRY: Fry and Bender! A winning combination. BENDER: Let's call ourselves Frender. BOTH: Frender, Frender, Frender Frender, Frender, Frender...

Seven!

We all need a new angle on life Bender, you've gotta help us. I try to get out, but they keep pullin' me back in! Wangle a new dangle on life No, Bender! The other way! I like him better this way.

Well, you guys might both be losers, but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet. Fry, that's a radiator. Oh. Is there a burn ward within ten feet of here?

Thank you. What the hell were you doing? I warned you to stay away from those guys. I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela. Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills? Good news, everyone.

Male, medical doctor, delicious with butter and lemon. Accepted!

Here he is! Come and get him! You are not McNeal! Huh? Huh? You are not the one we want. Oh, thank you! Thank you, glorious masters! I--

Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base. We could steal it. No! That would alter history. Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was. Well, I killed my grandfather. Wha--

and the van has a skunky odor. Search me. No, don't. I'm carrying. (LAUGHS) (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Well, I saw a real mermaid and I wish just once my friends would have the decency and kindness to believe me. Ocean madness. He may have ocean madness but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

Thanks! No! Ow! Fire hot! The professie will help. Fire indeed hot! Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.

Oh, eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again. Anyone want to play Dungeons and Dragons for the next quadrillion years? Yes, please. Sure. Pawn to rook eight. I'm a tenth-level vice president. That story was preposterous. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria.

Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone. Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to Earth. Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. Ow! Quit it, Earth. We won't even have to leave New New York. The package is going to Long Long Island.

Stand back! I'm a toolbot. You're not a toolbot. You're not a food-motron. You're not a robot of any kind. Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet.

"I'm sending in more trains."

No! No! (SOBBING) Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe!

That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day. Then consider the following lecture a bonus. On Earth, freedom is a given. But on my planet, we have to suffer for it. Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor... if you want your parents to roll over in their graves!

I did it. I outran him. Relax, friends. (WHALE SINGING) Panic, jerks! That's no ordinary space whale! It's a four-dimensional space whale! Of course!

Cram it, ape!

You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you!

That ain't legal. Ain't you heard of no Geneva Convention?

Why? Why? Also what and how? MAN: The great fish has chosen you for a higher purpose. It's a great mammal. See? It's got whiskers.

Beats talking to you, witchy woman. ALL: Hey, he's back! FARNSWORTH: Look at you. LEELA: Hubba hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles. Good afternoon, individuals.

Sometimes fate has other plans. (BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh! Nuts. You shot me! You miserable dingus!

In answer to your question, Hermes. Yes, your friend is cured. You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity. Affirmative. I feel nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep--

Give us McNeal! That was McNeal. No, McNeal-- the single female lawyer. She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous. Really.

Yah-ahh! Look, there's been a terrible mistake.

What do you say, Johnny? It's on me.

I'm 40% back, baby!

Clamps. Clamps! Uh-huh?

And soon it will be mine. (QUIETLY LAUGHING) I'm sorry. You were saying? Bender, I'm only telling you this so you can avoid committing the crime. "Avoid committing the crime." Got it. You wrote "Commit the crime!" (LAUGHING)

You're sweet, Leela.

(GASPING) We are the mystic aldermen of the sun. Okay. Stand back, please. Okay. Unhand me! Thank you for your heroism, Earth Robot.

It is a recent tradition, only 18 years old but it is a tradition nonetheless!

Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally? Let me see. Yep. Why do you ask? Mr. Mayor, if you want to see the real vampire, look in the mirror. I can't. I'm a vampire.

Huh? No!

He's come to finish the job!

That's a full-time job. And, Fry, as for you I am promoting you to executive delivery boy. You will no longer go on deliveries and you will have your own office next to mine. All right! Mr. Bender, would you high-five him so that we can continue this meeting? And on the rebound?

Oh, God, I'm going to lose the bet. I'm gonna have to swim in the juice of the Puke-Me-Poop-You. Don't give up. You just need more titillating twits. Trust me, I want twits that tittle. Then you're gonna have to sink to Bender's level. Stop acting like the Queen of England. (WOMAN SINGING) Who's that? The Queen of England?

(ALL GASPING) You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff. Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much.

Hey, buddy, I'm from the same time as you. - Remember that song, "Safety Dance"? - Sure do. We can dance dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-- You know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was.

Well, that's your job whether you like it or not and it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not-- Which I do... very much. Now, get to work! Life is good.

Leela, please forgive us. Especially your father, who's the one who told. Thank you very much, Morris. Are you all right? Has he hurt you? No. But my allergies are going nuts. Oh, God! Every couch and table has animal fur all over it. He lets 'em climb on everything!

- Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? - Granted.

Ow! Ahh! You want make love, not war? Jawohl. This change everything, Tight-Clothes-Man. We forgive Homo sapiens for actions of stuck-up ancestors. So be it. In recognition of your overwhelming victory,

All those times I said, "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper, "Except one." Fry was that one. And I never told him so. Farewell from the world of tomorrow!

i'm so Dizzy, my head is spinning like A whiRlpool, it never ends... A little lower.

Come in. Hello, Fry. Can I interest you in some surf and turf? No, thanks.

(BENDER CHUCKLING)

Would you like cream? Yes, please. Out of cream! Oh, uh, okay. Would you like sugar in your coffee?

We didn't see anything...

But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body. Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard!

Please. You give me too little credit.

A little? You're screwier than my Aunt Rita, and she's a screw.

I'll give you $5.00 to not do what you're thinking about doing. You just lost $5.00.

I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard. Never! A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires. Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job.

(POWER SURGING) (GASPS) He's gonna blow! Party, Bender! Party for your life! No chance, high-pants! I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond! (ALL SCREAMING) The Cyclops-eater!

He's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Let me handle this. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Si! Ouch-o!

Stupid rocks. Think they're so great. Well, they are giant diamonds. (LAUGHING EXCITEDLY) Come to Papa. A lot of Bender fell out of the crow's nest. We need to cut the line. Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry. We've got to murder that whale, or die trying.

Oh, fate most cruel! Would that my boundless acting skills might avail me a sword with which to slay this wretched curse.

We have a delivery to the Robot Homeworld. (SIGHS) So... You want a piece of gum? If I do, it's only because I was predestined to want a piece of gum.

Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined! What happened to my parasol? I don't know. It wasn't here when I took your umbrella. What?!

What have you been doing? I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me? It's 8:00, time to get busy. I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.

What's that, Seymour? You walkin' on sunshine?

To my loyal butler "You there," for his decades of service I leave a pittance to be paid in 20 equal installments of 1/20th of a pittance each.

Anyone who misses this will regret it the rest of his life. - Hey, Fry, could you go make some popcorn? - Okay.

In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

Stop being a big hallucinating baby. Yeah? Well, could a big hallucinating baby do this? I'm scared.

I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinkin' of escapin'. You in? Or do I gotta kill ya so ya don't squeal? I'm in! I'm in! So, when were you plannin' the breakout? I'm thinkin'... maybe a few seconds ago. Quick! Let's keep escaping!

Pardon me, sir-- Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind?

Oh. Ah, man! Phew!

Pharaoh Hamenthotep is dead. He's whippin' angels now.

Okay, is everyone ready? - Yep. - Basically. Whoo-Whoo-Whoo! Dearly beloved actors...

a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer...

My God! Four identical castles. Each more identical than the last. That's weird. It's another Cyclops. Only this one has five eyes. And here's another one with no eyes.

Yippee-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been!

I'm going to go watch TV. Could you get the lights on your way out? Whatcha eating? Lobster. You want some? Sure. You know, I think I finally figured out what's behind all these mysterious deaths. Really? Was Planet Express built on an Indian graveyard?

It's true. I disguised myself as a femputer... so I could rule the Amazonians. But why? Why? Why? I came here from a faraway planet, a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer... that was really a manbot.

How about those guys? No. They're from the Republic of French Stereotypes. Everybody hates them. Oh! Let's go check on Hermes. All this inspiring multiculturalism is "angrying" up my blood! Sweden? I don't think so!

Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering. Those poor 20th-century women.

Oh, happy birthday! Surprise! Happy birthday! And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say, "Coach Hairpiece?" No, Professor. It's a surprise party for your 150th birthday. Oh!

(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)

Let me just adjust the seat. My God! He's gonna do it! Everyone, seat belts to maximum buckling!

I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand. Aw, forget it. Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all, you're completely alone. It comes with the job. I'm just so lonely!

FRY: Did you get that, Chief? (SURPRISED CRY) We got it all from behind this prediction-proof glass.

Squid attack! Hit the deck! (ALL SCREAM)

We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets. No, we're not, you little bed wetter! Oops, I'm sorry.

Oh! Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry? I must have killed him. He was my best friend, and I killed him. Oh! I never felt so empty inside. Bender, I'm alive!

Sir? You seem pretty stable. Have you thought about adopting one of our kids? Sure haven't. Well, Keep adoption in mind. It's a great way to have a kid without having sex. Really?

Okay, it's your turn. Hey, wait a minute. Who are you? I'm the emperor. Thanks for crying me out. Oh, you're welcome.

He's dead.

A tie?

Master, do we have to count to three every time? Couldn't we just count to one? Or better yet, one half? Good idea, slave. One half! Pull! One half! Pull! Now we're slavin'.

Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it? I don't know. Hmm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd, and where would a giant nerd be? The library!

Wait a second. You mean we traveled through time? Doy! Some idiot must have put metal in the microwave. Yo. And the microwave radiation... combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself.

Coilette! You she-devil! You really thought you could steal those diamonds from me and Congo jack?

That just leaves best soft drink product placement and then best actor.

Bang! Zoom! Straight to the Moon! Wow.

Told you.

But you won this Golden Globe. Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards! I told you I want an Oscar! Then maybe you should act better. The Oscar isn't about acting; it's about earning the respect... and admiration of the creative community.

So... once more, we meet again. Huh? You didn't train Destructor. You're just controlling him like a puppet. I mean, cheating in a fake fight-- That's low. Better than being a girl... like you. You're a girl. Oh, right. Girls lack the will of the warrior.

Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?

Watch it, you stumblebums. You're boopin' my betty. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Um, I'll be back in a jiff. I got to go check this comet for anarchists.

Okay, if everyone's finished being stupid-- I had more, but you go ahead.

(HOWLING)

(CHANTING) We don't want a foreigner! We want someone born here! Eh, I'm still working on that one. (GROANS) What's wrong with you? Why are you sabotaging a decent, honest candidate? - 'Cause they won't let me near the Hoover Dam anymore. - Ooh!

(WHISTLES) Nice net. (STAMMERING) You can speak?

Human emotion no longer concerns me. But Randy said... Randy? Have you been hanging out with Randy? Please, Bender. If everything is a chess game for you, you must know how to help me. I'm sorry, Fry, but some games you just can't win.

Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator. You do? Really?

How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for. If we talk to each other any more than that, it'll ruin our friendship.

Nah, it was probably just a golden marmoset. That don't sound like no golden marmoset I ever heard.

Body-switching, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on. Who needs accomplices, if I can just use their bodies? (DEVICE BEEPING) Professor, what's not happening? Bad news, me.

(LAUGHING) (GROWLING) I wish I had more living relatives. What about the professor's parents? They're still alive? Sure, they exhibit all the telltale signs. Toenails growing, hearts pumping fluid, the whole shmagoigle.

Hey, sorry you got sent to that South American Turkish prison... instead of me on account of mistaken identity. You bastard! They treated me like an animal! And that's what I became!

No, the light! I guess I'm off to hell.

What'll you folks have today? I'll have the soylent green... with a slice of soylent orange and some soylent coleslaw. Pardon? It's the 20th century, Professor. Oh, right. I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills and a stein of mead.

Oh, no! What should we do? (GASPS) Leela, this is no time to show me your boobs! Turn your jersey inside out.

I came here from a faraway planet,

The name of the game is make Bender happy or he blows up the planet! I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute and listen to these idiots talk about bouncing. Please, stay calm. There's no need to bounce off the handle. That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for a...

Blood is thicker than water. "Blood... thicker... water."

It's so delicious you'll eat until you explode. Oh, which reminds me put a top over that sofa, would you?

With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!

I'm going to take one last look around. You know, for, uh, stuff to steal. You're going back for the countess, aren't you? All right. I am, but I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back just say I died robbing some old man. I'll tell him you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.

Sir, she is as the factory made her. Well, they should have stopped making her about halfway through.

I'm sorry, Bender but there's just not enough room. Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two-thirds of a person.

And I cowered in the bathroom While that steel-drivin' moron Killed a duplicate instead of me Lord, Lord Killed a duplicate instead of me (ALL EXCLAIMING)

There. Give it a try. Okay, I will. By shooting you, you bastard! Bender! No, please! (STRAINING) Wait. Hang on a sec.

Bad news, nobody. The supercollider super-exploded! I need you to take it back and exchange it... for a wobbly C.D. rack and some of those rancid meatballs.

This actual peace treaty is hereby enacted. Agnew, give it your stamp of approval. (GRUNTING) (ALL CHEERING) What do you say, sewer plum? Want to give it another go? Well, I am still in my wedding dress. And we still have a cake. Uh... Half a cake.

You keep it. I'll remember you in here.

We have only one option. Protocol 62. Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas. Then Protocol 63 it is.

We did it. Whoo! (ALL CHEERING)

Here's to another lousy millennium.

Sorry you struck out, sausage link. If it's any consolation, my life is great. Babes, bucks-- I got it all.

(GASPS) Oh, no! Our son Johnny fell down the gravity well!

Guys! Guys! There's something on television. Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension... as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses. Like me! The culprits: shameless poachers... hunting humans without a permit.

Mmm...

(BUZZER SOUNDS) Okay. Before those Pilates Nazis come goose-stepping in and take the room,

Sweet gorilla of Manila! A letter from The Central Bureaucracy. "Attention, Hermes Conrad. "You are about to receive a letter from The Central Bureaucracy." My God! It's from The Central Bureaucracy!

Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer. Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here. Squeaky, squishy clean. But it's time to discuss a pressing issue,

Okay, no cops, no laws, no rules.

The pollution from the factory-- it caused a greenhouse effect. That would explain this heat. And your breezy short shorts. Uh, yeah, that would explain it.

Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food goes in the disposal. Hair and flesh go in the trash. I'm sorry. I couldn't stop. Well, wait. Don't you care that I murdered Hermes? Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder just as long as you let Bender wet his beak.

This is the worst funeral ever! I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living... by showing how bad my funeral will suck!

And, so, we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth. Filings to filings, rust to rust.

It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

Can't we stop them from multiplying? Yes, I reckon it is our responsibility. And thankfully, we have a plan. What is it? We'll do anything. Everyone, grab your guns. I declare penguin huntin' season officially open!

No! So, we're cool?

You can do it, Kif! Whoa, Nelly!

Well, he lost my vote. Like one vote ever made a difference. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to inch myself over to the phone and call the police. Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with... audio tape?

Hey, Fry... Leela, no means no.

One Eye, One Eye! Stupid as a French guy! One Eye, One Eye, One Eye, One Eye--

You're so young in spirit. It's hard to believe you're as old as 25. The key is to grab life by the "ho-joes." Live every day like it might be your last. What'll it be, kids?

your keister is doing good.

Sure, I hold sÉance, channel your friend. No problem. Insert coin. I am your friend... Bonder. Bonder? Is it really you? Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy ten dollars.

Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty. Shopkeepers not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty!

How do I look? Like whale barf. Then the illusion is complete. Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display, too. Perfect. This ought to make me stand out.

Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees. Fry, however, does not.

Don't worry, Fry. Things look bad, but I still have a trump card. The most beautiful love song ever written.

Led by a bending unit named B.B. Rodriguez. (CACKLING) BENDER: Wait... I know a robot named B.B. Rodriguez! Wait... I am a robot named B.B. Rodriguez. So, I become ruler of Earth?

If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!

All I know is, my gut says, "Maybe."

I'm so into you. Oh, my!

Snake door. Roger. (SIGHS) You can't reject Leela! Give her a badge, you stupid box! Male, filthy hand, violent temper.

You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick!

Oh! Huh? Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me!

And a flannel shirt. I claim I won it in a knife fight at J. Crew. It must be interesting to win a knife fight. I wouldn't know. The point is, do you even know any actual folk songs?

I can't swallow that. Well, then, good news! It's a suppository.

What's that, Seymour? You walkin' on sunshine? He's trying to tell us something. Maybe he can lead us to Philip. Should we follow him? To our deaths? Negatory. It's the Y2K trying to lure us into an ambush, and I ain't buyin' it.

Fry, look. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed before.

(SCREAMING) (CONTINUES SCREAMING) (CONTINUES SCREAMING)

It's set in the year 4000, and we call it Futurella! (BUZZER SOUNDING) Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process.

Hey, you're enjoying this. Look, nobody enjoys shootin' penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it. I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way, it's not environmentalism. Oh, really? How 'bout blowin' up dams? Yeah, that is fun. Let's "conservate."

Listen, Fry, whatever it was that you and I had together... Goulash? No! Well, I don't know. Maybe it was goulash. But it can't really continue. What are you talking about? I want to spend my life with you.

Fry, are you all right? Oh, my head is killing me. What happened? Was anybody hurt? No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash. How badly? That's it over there.

Here, take my plus-one mace. Okay, here I go. You fool! You foolish fool! Eh, what's the worst thing that can happen?

Set a course for adventure!

Me... want... engulf... Bender!

Now they drank my booze? They've gone too far!

(SOBBING) Earth is gone!

There's a way off this planet.

What was that? Oh, dear. I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again. Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the-- Look! Spirit!

Oh, it haunts my memory still. Professor, no! Don't do it!

Leela, what are you guys doing here in the year 4000? It's not the year 4000. You were only frozen for two days.

We have to talk about our arrangement.

No further questions. Daddy done good, huh? Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.

It's up to everyone to get their partner back alive. Fry, you go with Bender. Amy, with Leela. And I'll go with...

I'm going to do it! I'm really going to do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes! Ohh...

(WHISTLING) (ALL WHISTLING) Comet ahoy! Why, it's lit up like a smooth, refreshing Chesterfield.

You used to be so inflexible, Flexo. You have really loosened up. I recently upgraded my funk card. Come on! All right! Come on, now! What's new? Huh?

The name of the game is make Bender happy or he blows up the planet! I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute and listen to these idiots talk about bouncing. Please, stay calm. There's no need to bounce off the handle. That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for a... Wait! Stop.

If you're done saving me from the fire monster from the sun, I'll be on my way. I guess some grown men just don't like being carried.

Fry, you're my friend.

I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity... the way only a woman can. You're going to do his laundry?

Wait! No, thanks.

Correct. This box contains our own universe! Sweet honeybee of infinity!

(ZAPP YODELING OVER INTERCOM) (SHUDDERS) FARNSWORTH: And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of tonguesmanship,

I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood? Whose blood? Some guy's. I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.

- Hell no! - Shut up! Beat it, jerk! Uh, have you robot versions of you guys... seen any extra Zoidbergs around here? Negative. Will you go out with me? Uh, access denied.

We're hitting an occasional (SQUEAKY VOICE) helium pocket. (LOUD RUMBLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) We don't have much time! Keep moving forward!

Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well, then. Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mobutu.

And another thing. If someone gives you a nice medal, you should be responsible enough to care for it. Fry? Yeah? Shut up! I got to do hero stuff. All the lava in the world won't wash away your lies.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) For God's sake, censor it! Censor it! Approved for all audiences! No!

My God! Four identical castles. Each more identical than the last.

And you extras. Wave your arms and make faces. What is this? A morgue? The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take 95. Action! And I mean circus-grade action. Sir, I call upon you not as a president,

soda machine!

you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning. Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. Whoa! Real comfy.

(BOTH CRYING OUT) (ALL CRY OUT)

Either way.

Whoo! Giddy-up! Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Whoopee!

Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help. Cram it, lobster. But that is a good idea. I'll go call her. Aw, she'll never help me. She's still mad that I told her never to help me. Come on, Leela's not the type to hold a grudge.

I'm all right Nobody worry about me Yeah, baby. Come on! Where did you get that C.D.? It's one of my 10 desert island discs. I never really thought I'd get to use 'em, but look at me now. Oh, yeah, baby, gonna do-dah-dah! Do-do, Do-do-do-do.

much less steal this ancient heat-seeking missile! I don't even know you.

My God. It's so... repulsive. So, uh, this is where you eat? Eat and sleep. Oh, Fry! Uh, wait! Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second.

Hey, bite my shiny metal ass. You couldn't afford it, honey.

Hey, you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?

Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!

You, too? Will you be my friend?

Um, okay. Fifty-- six-- ish? Fifty-six? Fifty-six? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you-- you no good fifty-six-ing--

Push, push! Use teamwork!

Good news, everyone. Today marks our dear friend... Dr. Zoidberg's tenth year with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in order! Huzzah. Huzzah. Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg! I will now read the mandatory speech.

I will get you! Ah. That scrap metal I ordered is here. I'm 40% scrap metal.

(FRY SCREAMS)

Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom... until it learns what it is to not have freedom. It's a lesson, I say! Ow! What the hell is this dirt pile we're building anyhow? None of your beeswax, slave. You'll find out soon enough. just focus on globbing that mud! Glob!

I shall consider it a smashing success. But I wouldn't even know what to write about.

(MAN EXCLAIMS) Wrinkles got some mad moves, yo. Yo, Wrinkles, you got big glasses. I'm gonna call you the Professor. What? No one calls me that!

(WHISTLING)

This is crazy. You're from the future? Yes. I was sent back from the year 3028 to prevent Nixon from getting elected. I was sent forward from the year 2000, but you don't hear me gassing on about it. But why would it be so important to stop Nixon? Because of the horrific events he's going to set in motion. (SOBS) Oh, God.

The doctor is in. The doctor is out.

I can think of no better place for this center of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness? I have no strong feelings one way or the other. I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kiff.

Sausage is great, sausage is great. Sausage, sausage, sausage.

I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out this window. Oh, dear God in heaven! They're swarming all over her! No! No! What are you talking about, Bender? She's... There's strapping her to the juicer! Oh, they're putting some ice cubes in the glass under it.

I'll give you $5.00 to not do what you're thinking about doing. You just lost $5.00.

Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat. Pardon me, sir-- Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind? Sure thing, pal.

Honey unit, I'm home.

I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza. One pie, nothing good on it. Name? I.C. Wiener. Uh, talk a little louder. It sounds like you got some kind of tiny head on ya or somethin'.

Why can't I shoot you? (LAUGHING) Poor deterministic Bender. I programmed you to be incapable of harming me. Oh, I've never been more sure I was right to deny you free will. Damn you! - (SOBBING) - (LAUGHING)

I'm back, baby. (ALL GASPING) You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff. Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much.

And there's Professor Moriarty! Jack the Ripper! Evil Lincoln! Righto, gents. It's another simulation gone mad,

FARNSWORTH: Two point one dimensions! Two point two! Two point pi! FRY: Look, up there! There's some up! LEELA: The third dimension!

How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for.

All right! Come back, Bender! It's working! To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

Does it really work? Of course it works. It's just not very long.

If we're going to get blown to bits we may as well do it in the comfort of our own home.

Thank you. That song doesn't usually last three hours, but we got into a serious thing, and then I forgot how it ended.

The big brain is defeated. Let what must be done be done. Me... feel...

(FRY MOANS) Wow! Those fireflies are going nuts. Come here. I've always wanted to make love by bug-light. Shmoly crap! We've got to get Fry and Leela out of this habitat before they humiliate themselves. Please, Amy, the act of love is a beautiful and natural...

Yo, Spargle. If you're such a great cook, how'd you end up in this dump? Ages ago, I was the host of a TV show-- Down-home Country Kitchen With Helmut Spargle. But one day, the Extreme Soda Company... that sponsored the show decided it was too old-fashioned.

Geez, Red. Quit cowerin'. You call yourself a robot? I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!

Zapp Brannigan you stand accused of blowing up DOOP headquarters.

Nobody knows more about Star Trek than me! I beg to differ!

We call him Pickles.

Good-bye, cruel world. Good-bye, cruel lamp.

Please rise for the national anthem. Uh-oh. Let Claw Plock begin!

Oh! Huh? Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me! Okay, just try to be nonchalant.

How do we sign? Pop A poppler in your mouth when you come to fishy joe's what they're made of is A mystery where tHey come from, no one knows you can pick 'em, you can lick 'Em you can chew 'Em, you can stick 'Em if you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

That was the worst delivery ever. Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon. Me, neither. Food was good, though.

(ALL GASP) He's alive! So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father. (ALL CHEER) Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead. You can come back to work with us.

but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat. Pardon me, sir--

What Cartridge Unit means is, the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep refilling my water wheel... or I'll power down forever. Oh, God! I'll never make it this time! This is the end! Anyway, we like it here.

Now, open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. No, no, no, no, no, not that mouth. I only have one. Really? Uh... is there a human doctor around? Young lady, I'm an expert on humans.

(SLURPING) You're right, Bender, grave robbing is fun. And these pina skulladas are fantastic. The crazy weather cleared up, too, for whatever reason. All in all, it's a fine day for an apocalypse. So you don't miss what's-her-name? Of course I do. But even though we're millions of miles apart,

But you said making a copy of yourself would be a lousy ending. No, duplicate me said that. See, I had to be sure he wouldn't try and weasel out of getting killed like I would, and did, so I created him with a tragic weakness, artistic integrity. Of course. How could we have thought a guy with integrity was you even for a second?

Poetic image number 37 not found. What are you doing, darling? Get down!

You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here. You get me that Oscar or you're dead, you and these sniveling lobsters! Dead! You hear me? Dead! Oy. Now he emotes!

and my cleavage isn't helping. Not helping him. One more sudden shock will kill you. Sudden? That's just the kind of one more shock I was planning. (BEEPING ACCELERATING) The machines, they're after me. You're suffering from machine phobia.

Let's see how much of a robot you really are-- No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor.

Also he's a robot, ain't it cool, Super King, you rule Clobberella beats you up Clobberella beats you up Who does she beat up You Clobberella

He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined. Gumbercules? I love that guy.

(ALARM RINGING)

- Aaah! - Ah, Bender, this is a surprise. For you finding me in the refrigerator! True. But at least I don't have the hiccups anymore.

Orange? Purple? Do I know you? Have we met?

Like the Kardashians. Now they drank my booze? They've gone too far!

Damn it, Hermes, just jump already. Stop hogging that healthy liver.

Does it please you, my lord? Mmm. It's a good start. Uh, yeah, it's definitely big, all right. I just wonder if it's too big, you know? I mean, are people gonna be remembering me or the statue? But, sire, we made it to your exact specifications.

As for the rest of you I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts.

I need to remain undercover, so I'm blanking your memory.

It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five-cent deposit. No way. I'm not letting my best friend get recycled-- Not for five cents, not for 500 cents. Leela, I've got a plan.

Whoa. A real-live robot. Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying!

Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! (NIXON EXCLAIMS) My God, we're defenseless, like fish in a barrel. Options? My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.

One of the people in this room is a big murderer.

I guess it's good we didn't have children. Oh, give me that, you senile old idiot. Let me see... That goes there... Lefty loosey, righty tighty, and, fixed! What? I could've fixed it that easily? You?

Wait a second, I know what's going on here. I'm the monster.

Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? Oh, lots of reasons.

And I'm his friend jesus.

Tangled-up Christmas lights. We can take shifts untangling them.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING) There's seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa So sit your asses down and have some knowledge dropped upon ya Kujichagulia And Umoja. And the rest! Now we get it Sit back down There's gonna be a test My favorite's Ujamaa

She's becoming a slave to her emotions. just like all women. Particularly you, Leela.

Captain! The bees have us surrounded! Oh, the professor was right! We're not as good as his old crew! Well, I aim to prove him wrong. It'll take more than a few deadly, deadly bees to-- Oh, Lord! Aa-aa-aah! I couldn't make that out. Too much static.

Like destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3-- Thanks a lot, Takei! Now everybody knows!

I wuv my mommy.

Hey, get away! Shoo! I'll give you $5.00 to not do what you're thinking about doing. You just lost $5.00.

You'll get your alimony check, Cubert. Now get lost! Chill out. I'm just here to see Amy. Move it, boy toy. Granny's taking you to Atlantic City.

Hey, Bender, as long as you know, I have a holophonor recital Tuesday. I'd really like to have somebody there. Please? Fine. I'll go already. You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often though.

No. But my allergies are going nuts. Oh, God! Every couch and table has animal fur all over it. He lets 'em climb on everything!

performing a traditional gangster rap, Miss-- What the-- Got ya! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Shoot him! He's choking me!

So telleth, Bender-- What hath happened to your body? I hocked it. Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that? Same reason you hocked your teeth. Ah, booze money. I remember my body. Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body. God, I loved it.

Oh, no, no. God, no.

Drain angels, they called us. When the ship started going down, my mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car. But the places were all taken by surface passengers. As my mother held me tight,

In recognition of your overwhelming victory,

Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home.

Who are you? Scruffy, the janitor.

What? My show is a hit? What are you, deaf? It's gonna be bigger than SpongeBot SquareBolts. I interfere with pacemakers. (LAUGHS) Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar, 'cause that is how you're gonna die.

Let's go, Doc, chop him up.

That's your jacket, an off-the-rack, lime-green affair.

Ow! Now, now.

This is so hot! Conquer me, Lrrr! Sharpen your horns on my scaly thorax! (SCREAMS)

All right! Come back, Bender! It's working! To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw.

That's what makes it so nasty. Still, given the chance, I'd give in to urges far more shocking.

You can come back to work with us. I'm back, baby!

The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens. Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth!

How far away do you think it is? A trillion miles? Things got hot. You look a little hot, actually. You could take off that jacket. Our people don't like to be hot. Anyway, just before the impact our smartest scientist managed to save one baby.

will be Snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia,

Friends, I found $10. You found some money? Show me. Ah...

It's clever. Nevertheless, I demand you return my fox. Sorry, mutton-chump. No fox, no hunt. Oh, really? Let the hunt begin!

I agreed to be your vice president, but I never agreed to be your son.

scientists, doctors, bureaucrats, pilots,

You see, once the Benders reached atomic scale, they began directly manipulating water and CO2 molecules to make alcohol. (BURPING) (YELPING) In a matter of hours,

Ah... some good, old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off.

Dearly beloved, it is with the great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Huh? That sword cost 5,000 dollar!

Let's watch some cartoons.

What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo!

Farewell, Nikolai. Wait! I'm not Nikolai! I'm Bender, the fabulous body-switching burglar. So you are. However, you do have Nikolai's body, and that's the part we want to kill. (MOTOR RUNNING)

Oh, yeah. I had Snu-snu.

Oh! I'm sorry. This is the wrong patient.

Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger... until we suffer a fate worse than death-- pre-life!

Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.

Welcome! To the world of tomorrow! Why do you always have to say it that way? Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? Come! Your destiny awaits!

Lightweights! Oh, wait. Chlorine.

Great. Now I lost my place. I'm starting over.

Light hot. Oil temperature rising. Oh, no. Malfunction. This ain't good. System error.

Honey unit, I'm home. Monique! Calculon! Oh, how I wish I could believe that.

And don't forget the zebra-fur ship cozy.

No! I can't do this! Oh, my God!

Psst! You're holding the bat upside down.

Don't you have a self-destruct button? Yeah... but it's on my body.

So, Bender, how was the party? Only the greatest party ever! I don't need to have another party in my whole life. I am partied out! Dang. Sorry we missed it. We could have another one, if it would make you guys feel better. Really? No, that's not necessary. Hit it, Bender!

I call murder on that. Look, I'm willing to grant that it's murder. The real issue is... ...who's going to stop me?

What was that? A flaming burp. Does it always do that? It's not always a burp. We still have one problem though. This robot will never meet emission standards. Crap Spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot... and classify it as a light truck.

Don't worry. I have a plan. I'm going to jump! - No! - No! Do a flip!

Hey, look, Leela. It's that idiotic windbag you slept with. The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that? Evidently not. Call me cocky but if there's an alien out there I can't kill I haven't met him and killed him yet.

You need to get out and see the real world. But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far.

Thank you for your heroism, Earth Robot. You have saved your planet from becoming a lifeless ball of fire. You are now the greatest hero in Earth's history. Yes! Suck it, Gilgamesh! Goodbye forever. No! I won't go back! I won't...

(GROANING) No hara-kiri today, but "heiwa no dansu," the gelatinous dance of peace.

How do you do it? How do you go on knowing you lack the inherent capacity for self-determination? Son, philosophy's for thems what don't gotta work for a living. But me, I got a sick child to feed. So if you want to chat, roll up yer sleeves and do some honest labor. I don't wanna chat.

I mean, geez, he's a dumb gross gorilla. That's enough. Don't you think I feel bad enough already? No.

Great.

Bender, do you know who that was? Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked him out cold. I'm impressed.

Thanks. It's so nice to wake up and see... (GASPS) Leela! Leela? Leela? Leela. How is this possible? And can you believe she wore a tank top to my funeral? Shut up! We got to get out of here! (ROARING)

we are baby love child

Okay, but it seems like you're the one who killed him.

What up, Dr. Z? Yo, yo, yo, whassup? Whassup? Give up the rock!

Come on, Fry, let's go home and...

I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy. Dirty boy! Dirty boy!

Rite my riny retal rass!

They won't stop until every human is dead. This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We could settle down on that mountain of skulls. Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake!

Sweet lamprey of Santa Fe! My edge has been bent! My javelin too! It's ruined! Now we'll never beat Jupiter State. My Slinky! My cuddly little pet Slinky!

That was terrible! People won't even know what we do. I don't even know what we do. Nah, just kiddin'. What are we, like a bus or somethin'?

Come on, stem cells, work your astounding scientific nonsense. Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial? In your time, yes, but nowadays, shut up!

Come on. Come on!

superheroes cause a lot of collateral damage, and we don't want to get our butts sued. Or do we? No, I guess not. Also, if our identities get out, every crook in the city will be after us, or, God forbid, our loved ones.

Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever.

(ALL CLAMORING IN CONFUSION) Oh! Not cool, bro! Our genders are all reversed. Now I got a whatchacallit instead of a kajigger, you stupid whatchacallit!

Why should I believe you? You're Hitler! No! Eva Braun, help me! Saw it comin'. I just saw something incredibly cool-- a big floating ball that lit up with every color in the rainbow, plus some new ones that were so beautiful...

Wait... you're the only friend I have.

Sir, we don't touch the antiques, sir. You don't-- Uh, I'm sorry, you work here. I should have realized from that ridiculous getup you're wearing. Hey, this is from Miller's Outpos-- I mean, yeah, i-i work here all right. Here. Move this rust bucket out behind St. Koch's Cathedral.

Scuttle on home. This ain't none of your business, slick.

You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard! Stop!

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, I remember you. I was going to vote for you one time. But voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine. Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential to the process.

Abandon ship!

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) TRANSLATOR: I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Oops!

Hello? New boots. That's why I've made you my sole heir. The day I die you'll be a very wealthy woman. Oh, my, yes... incredibly wealthy. The day I die... because you're so un-impulsive.

Everyone's fired, and we're out of business. Oh, no! I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

I can't pay.

Come back to bed, dearie. It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are.

We have to wake him up. Try shocking him. Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!

That's adorable. Ow!

Oh, great. Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here. Wingus, Dingus, listen up.

You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper? Much rather. What are you doing? Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. just go. You want the rest of the cham-pag-en?

(WORRIED MUTTERING) What's with the gray goo? Bite my tiny metal ass! Hey, those jerklings ate my couch. God! We've opened Pandora's fly.

War were declared.

Here's to you. Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard! I'll kill you! I'll kill you, too, buddy. I'll kill you, too.

Maybe if I move the compass like this, it will somehow kill the whale.

I guess it's just me and you, chicken hat.

Sorry, mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West. (LAUGHS) Billy West? What a stupid, phony, made-up name.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore. FARNSWORTH: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.

Deactivated robot walking! We got a deactivated robot walking here.

Are you all black with yellow stripes or are you yellow with black stripes? Yellow with black stripes, man. Why don't you just move along? Let me ask you something, you sting my wife? What kind of buzzing question is that? Where do you get the wings big enough to ask me that?

Crepes, flatbread, McDonald's hamburgers. You get the idea.

Michelle! Baby! Where you going? It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk!

Shut up! For heaven's gate, Professor! This ship can do 99 percent light speed. Why are we going 35 miles an hour? Because we're in a hurry-- that's why! Plus, you have the high beams on! I can't quite read the sign.

Whoa! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!

Now, who put this obnoxious dancing robot on my network?

Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with... audio tape? Uh-oh, I don't like where this is heading. And I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!

Fry, you scoundrel! I don't remember any of that.

Now, open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. No, no, no, no, no, not that mouth. I only have one. Really?

One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of omicron Persei 8! Mmm. This jerk's chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.

I'll say good-bye now. There ain't no turtles where Daddy's goin'. Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all the robots off and-- What?

Whoa! Remember that mural on my cousin's van? It's like it came to life! I keep telling you, we didn't grow up together. LEELA: Help, help!

Whenever a fire alarm is pulled it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated-- Now, I can explain that.

Cut.

Nonsense. I would never do such a thing. Unless you were already having been going to do that. Wha-- You heard me!

Huh? Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him that hath taken us unto his breast! Holy frijoles!

You're all too weak. I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew. Understood? You've gone mad, Captain. That's enough out of me. Now, come on, I got to find that whale. I found him!

And now the part I didn't show you. Oh!

I'm back, baby. (ALL GASPING) You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff. Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much. Hey, wait, did you haunt me?

Then death.

MAN: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a higher state of consciousness. In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels. Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out. That'll be $10,000.

Those guys hate fire! I gotta do somethin'. What the-- Termites?

Leela! You're alive!

And now a man who needs no introduction.

What are you doing, darling? Get down!

You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. Get lost, Pavarotti. Nooo

When I had that, there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school. No!!

But the trip is far too long. It's only 100 feet! At my age, it might as well be 200 feet. I'd never make it! Come on, you can make it! You can do it! Well, let me think it over. Let's go already!

(DOGS BARKING) (WHIMPERING)

Look, you scaly crybaby, you do what I say and you do it now! NDND: I knew it!

I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged. What are the cigars for? They make me look cool.

This is the Brooklyn-bound "B" train, making local stops at wherever the hell I feel like. Watch for the closing doors.

Bender is great! Oh, Bender is great!

Can you find him, professor? No! I'm afraid the smell-a-scope isn't powerful enough. Bender's odor is so mild, it's being overpowered by local sources. Hooray! People are paying attention to me.

Look out! Look out! I'm going to crash my slow-mobile. I had to swerve to avoid you. While you're crashing could you tell us where all these canisters end up? Oh, you want central filing. Okay. Thank you. Thanks. Wonderful. No!

He may have ocean madness but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

There it is, the edge of the universe.

That drunk?

Aww, what an adorable, little kajigger.

Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain? Fine! I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid... and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt. Ah, I've heard better.

The address was on Dog Doo Eight, but the universe ends right after Dog Doo Seven.

I'm worried about "blank." Don't you worry about "blank." Let me worry about "blank." Good. I also would have accepted, "Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!"

What did you get her, you mushy gizmo? Oh, precious things. I found the most adorable little figurine of mice having tea. And a framed picture of me when I was only a month old. But the best part is, I found my exact feelings expressed in a greeting card.

(BUZZER SOUNDING) Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process. Matt will now take questions. But please, only about Futurella, not The Simpsons.

I have decided, after little thought, to return your genders. (ALL CLAMORING IN CONFUSION) Oh! Not cool, bro! Our genders are all reversed. Now I got a whatchacallit instead of a kajigger, you stupid whatchacallit!

It's like his personality is totally different now. Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea. I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the-- Hey, what's the dillio? Your upgrade is complete. But I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups.

(SPLASHING) Ew! Kif, did you yack on the floor?

Please do not feed the animals!

Mr. Funny-Bunny here will gauge your reaction by bombarding your brains with harmless snuggle rays. He gives me a nice, warm feeling in my eyeballs. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) DIGITAL VOICE: Popular Slut Club.

Oh! They're so cute! What are their names? Kids have names? My name is Nina, and his name's Albert-- And from now on, you're all named Bender junior! Looky here. My first government stipend check. Twelve baby humans, 1,200 wing-wangs.

the guy you love so much! You even love anybody pretending to be him! Well, maybe I love you so much, I love you no matter who you're pretending to be. Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There's only one reasonable course of action now. Kill Flexo! Ow!

Death to the men! Death by snu-snu! Although the Snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good. Baby, it'll blow your mind. Femputer, be reasonable. Sure, men are annoying and they wreck up whatever planet they're in charge of, but most of these men are sort of my friends.

Please do not feed the animals!

Bender, why did you jump in? Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.

Thank God there are plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.

Hey, Fry, things sure have been going great between us. Remember that make-out session in that dark closet? You were like a machine. But I... Olive you. It's me, Fry! It sure is.

Oh, no. Something's happening. What's happening? (WHALE SINGING) (ALL GASPING) Oh, right. And there was a giant killer space whale.

that my whole life is just a product of my... or someone else's imagination? No. Get out. Next? Well, I guess reality is what you make of it.

Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you are slandering this innocent Mafioso to distract from your own felonious past, including a crime you made up yourself called "burgle-arson-arceny"? That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc.

Kif, I'm sensing a sensual disturbance in the Force.

Bender, is that thou?

And to my loving nephew Bender assuming he's not responsible for my death I leave my castle... Yes! Let's stay there tonight. On condition that he spend one night within its walls. Oh, man, there's always a catch!

Pop A poppler in your mouth when you come to fishy joe's what they're made of is A mystery where tHey come from, no one knows you can pick 'em, you can lick 'Em you can chew 'Em, you can stick 'Em if you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

Okay, Murdolator's finished. I said I'd kill him myself, but nobody listens to Bender. We all have to share in the guilt,

Good news, everyone!

Hi. I'm a naughty nurse and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. Oh. You're a dollar naughtier than most. So, how about them Knicks?

Okay, just file it alphabetically. A, B, C, D...

Ohh!

What for? How do I know these scissors aren't part of some Neutral plot?

You wouldn't dare! I've been married to worse. Leela, I'm no doctor, but I'm afraid you be exhibiting symptoms of illin'. You're risking all our lives for your own personal obsession. There's nothing personal about this. That thing screwed up my delivery! This time, it's business.

If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you'd cease to exist. But existing is basically all I do!

Let's go already!

Oh, they're all so adorable! Yeah. You know, it's times like this, I can hardly bear to let them go. Good night, you princes of Maine! You kings of New New England!

Uh... couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See? Eww. What smells like boot feet?

(SNIFFS) Why isn't Leela back yet? Do you think she's okay? How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feeling a little neglected here. Oh. Sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Shut up. What difference does it make?

Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas spirit. What-mas? Christmas. You know, X-M-A-S. Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using an archaic pronunciation. Like when you say "ask" instead of "axe." Xmas, huh? You know, this will be my first Xmas away from home.

It's a suppository.

(BEEPING) I'm afraid your heart has suffered a lot of damage, Mr. Fry, and my cleavage isn't helping. Not helping him.

No, Dr. Beeler, I won't just pick one. My audience deserves better than some crappy, formulaic ending. If I must die, let me die in a blaze of artistic integrity. Well

So you're in pain and have a bunch of needles? I prescribe acupuncture. Let's begin. (SCREAMING) Blood? I mean, blood. Put it back in me! I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpsons Jaundice.

Either way. (WHINES)

Now hold out your hand. I'm going to implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. Keep that thing away from me.

Xmas eve-- Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing. The holiday season is a time of celebration for most but it is also a time to remember the tragic suffering of the less fortunate. Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Oh, Greenland is A barren land A land that bears no green where there's ice and Snow and the whalefishies blow Captain, please, have some liquor. You robots need alcohol to function.

blasted us through time itself. Have you seen today's news? "High School Gym Renovations On Schedule"? - What a load! - No. Over here. "Flying Saucer Captured." That's no flying saucer.

Would you like to take a moment to register me? Uh, not right now. I'll remind you later, you hot stud you. So, uh, what do you feel like doing? - Would you like to take a moment to register me? - I said later.

It is for the witnesses because it's not boring. The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed. Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again. Stop the execution!

I never felt so empty inside. Bender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt me at all but I know you wanted to, and that's what matters. Here's to you. Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard! I'll kill you!

I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music. I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the stereo. Fry, this isn't healthy; you're living in the past. I'm rich. I can live whenever I want. But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000.

The jury will vote to convict. I can't change that. Well, what about Leela? Is there any hope things could still work out between us? It's getting late. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create.

Friends, look at these new poles. Get ready for one sexy firehouse. Zoidberg, quit turning us on and go polish your nozzle.

Our universe is doomed! Doomed!

What are my chances of surviving in one of those? Slim to none. I like those odds.

Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily Eight, the mob planet.

Uh... is there a human doctor around? Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Pick a mouth, open it, and say What? My mother was a saint! Get out.

that we must harness the elemental power of nature itself! I speak, of course, of molten lava... deep within the Earth's core! To the subbasement!

- Shh! - Hands up! - Tentacles too! - Don't say anything stupid, Morris. What is all this? Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show? Do you believe I'm your Messiah? The mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it! Well, actually, they're-- Morris, shh!

Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame. Steady. Steady. Now!

there'll be no stopping him. Tonight, Mr. Peppy must die. Angus, wait, my strictly platonic friend is right. At least wait a few days before you decide to kill it. The last time I hesitated, a bone vampire snicked out me left shin.

Thanks. I appreciate that. Nah, I'm joshin' ya. That was quite annoying.

Don't mess with Earth They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg. Poseurs! I was hatin' Zoidberg before it was cool.

People of Earth, I am Lrrr, conqueror of your planet. (WHISPERS) Cue screams. (ALL SCREAMING) You will now remove your skulls and play dodgeball with them for my amusement!

Of course I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy. Thanks to years of LaBarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat.

Whoo! I'm the greatest!

Sir, this card has expired. But it's good for a lifetime. Well, yours expired.

I like it.

Did we go too far? What time is it? BENDER: The year 10,000. FARNSWORTH: Whoopsie.

Don't thank me, thank the ladder.

The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it. That's a complete load.

What kind of moronic plan is that? Wow. Ooh! Ow, ow, ow! Ow! I hate that! Oh, boy! Uh! Women go free. Men stay in chains.

False alarm, folks. There's no reason to make toys, since Santa judges everyone to be naughty. That's it. I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where is he? There, in his ice fortress.

Whooo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Oh, I'm so bad at this.

Oh, we were just cuttin' onions, honey. Let's keep going. "Fry sits on a pie." "Fry finds popcorn in his belly button." "You eat a sausage made of Fry." "Fry gives you a chicken hat." Oh, that's sweet.

Now, who put this obnoxious dancing robot on my network? We were about to fire him, sir. Silence, hack! We've been monitoring our Nielsen families carefully. And during the 12 seconds Bender was on-screen, viewer eyeball focus was up 90%.

It's an emergency, sir. Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well.

Philip J. Fry, astronaut, philanthropist, entrepreneur, was a great man truly worthy of narration. Fry was the first man on Mars, a feat that has never since been equaled.

Detonation in three, two, one. No!

Look, associates, I made a hammock from our clothing. How industrious. Do you mind if we sleep with you? I have no opinion. Well, good night.

This wangs chung.

(SCREAMING) (POWER TOOLS WHIRRING) (GUNS FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) That's it, I'm pulling the plug.

BOTH: No!

What did you want to tell me? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) Hold me in your arms

(EXCLAIMS) It's crowded! Good thing everyone is freshly bathed and groomed. Oooh! What are you doing? That's the rare Zapp Brannigan with recording session blooper! Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me. But the sign said there was a mint in the box.

As long as you don't make me smell Uranus. I don't get it. I'm sorry, Fry but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all. Oh. What's it called now? Urectum.

If I died tomorrow, no one would even notice.

Uh, sir-- Who threw that? That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned.

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Omicron. Have you insured your planet?

It hurts.

Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I... Fry!

(PULSING SOUNDS) Oh! Ahhh!

(MOANING) Un-paw him, you big ape!

Try shocking him. Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words! Damn it. We'll have to fix the engine ourselves. We can't, you bastard. No one knows how it works.

Fry's dead, you say? Funny, that's not what it says on his Wikipedia page. Survived a heart attack?

I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel. Actually, through the miracle of science that can be arranged. Uh-oh. Is this going to be another crazy experiment that crosses a line man was not meant to cross?

They're clamps, you (BLEEP)! And if I want to (BLEEP)-ing snip with these clamps, I will snip with these (BLEEP)-ing clamps!

Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.

Ahh. Ooh! Oooh! Ohh!

Have you got an extra "goto 10" line? I said I don't need a Bender. Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler. - Nice work, Boiler. - Thanks. And call me Bender.

Wow. This is all so confusing. Leela, how could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred and now this? Stop testing our love! Oh, please, Captain. I thank Leela for the D.N.A. she gave me, but in my species,

Oh, and Kif is pregnant. Oh, joy!

Hi. Hello.

Leave me alone! I never want to see you again!

Oh, you're right. I'm a lost cause.

(NIXON HOWLING ON TV)

Sir! I volunteer for a suicide mission! Aw... cut it out!

It's a robot ghost. (ALL GASP) A robot ghost? What robot would want to haunt me? Me, dumbass. Bender, Bender, Bender, Bender! Ah, tell him, you baggy old crone.

Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child. Well, you've come to the right place. Because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans. Now, little lady, what do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today? Uh, I'm afraid we only want one. Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you what I got in stock.

Well, I spent every penny I had but I bet Leela's going to love you. Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? Shut the hell up!

Do I ask her to mate now? Third date.

When I grow up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia!

Now let's all of us shut up and sing. He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're on the can He'll hunt you down and blast your ass From here to Pakistan Oh You better not breathe, you better not move You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude

Don't worry, Leela. Soon, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.

I've only got two fantasies left-- to be invisible in a chocolate factory... and to be romantically linked with a celebrity. I could pound your head till you think that's what happened. Okay. Wait. Hold on. It is actually possible to meet any celebrity you want. It is? Of course. You should read a blimp sometime.

Global Warming or: None Like It Hot! You're probably wondering why your ice cream went away. Well, Suzie, the culprit isn't foreigners.

(SCREAMING) (INAUDIBLE)

Man, I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em, give 'em some of these. Yeah, right on, nutcake. Parole officer says I gotta upgrade... or he won't give me back my stabbin' knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much, I know it won't affect me.

Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.

I awoke first, to find you trapped. Leela! Leela, wake up.

Done.

I got fame, money, groupies, and it's all thanks to being completely immobilized. That's why I'll be proud to go up on stage tomorrow and say, "Look at me, world! I am a broken robot!" Bender, you can move. You're cured.

I'm sorry. She's gone.

Are they my zombies from Hammacher Schlemmer? (GASPS) Mama? Daddy? Son! Hey, kiddo! Leave me alone! I never want to see you again!

ANNOUNCER: This is Turanga Leela's first nomination and second time in high heels.

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