comb.io - Clips

A tie? This worked out better than I could have hoped. Now I'll have two million zombies.

No chance! You can all act like Jersey Shore socialites, but at least Bender will party with me. Right, buddy? Whoa, whoa, whoa! I enjoy partying as much as the next fellow, but this is Oktoberfest. Good day, sir! Ach du freakin' Lieber!

Dear God! What is he doing? (MAN SCREAMING) No! Somebody stop him! Here's corpsey!

Starvation. Desperation. Despair. So far, so good. Then what?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I guess everything worked out jolly all right, eh, guvnor?

(MURMURING) We find the Donbot... Dramatic pause. Not guilty. (ALL GASP) What? Honey, if you're marrying Bender,

Uh-oh, jealousy. You think you're so hot! Wha...?! The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp. They're just responding to my personality.

I prefer two. That way, we can still be a horse for Halloween. Okay. Bender has her distracted.

We were defeated in battle.

Do you understand the charges? One beep for "yes," two beeps for "no." Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty? Double yes. Guilty!

I didn't abandon you! You wandered off! Stop judging me, Fry-bed! (BENDER GRUNTING) Oh... It's just not the same without the muffled screams. If only I could hear your voice again.

Oh, this is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me. I do my best, damn it!

Man, can't we just make more petroleum oil? I'm afraid not, son. Petroleum only forms when organic matter is subjected to intense pressure for hundreds of millions of years. I can't wait that long. I've got ADD.

Look out, Earth.

Robot. Oh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky! Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal. Am I a robot? If this is some kind of scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney. Fry! My skin! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I only have one. Really? Uh... is there a human doctor around? Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Pick a mouth, open it, and say What? My mother was a saint! Get out.

So, Fry... what do you think of the impulsive new me? I like it. Good, now let me just get the lights. I really like it.

Fry, you are going to shoot Bender, killing him and shattering the fake bottle, just as I predicted. Do it! It is your destiny! Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans. (BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh!

and they can make sure you don't... (MIMICS CORK POPPING) (GURGLING) (GIBBERING) (MIMICS GUNSHOT) I don't know. Would you come, too, sweetie? I can't. I have to keep an eye on Mom to make sure she and Zapp don't... (MIMICKING SIREN) (CHUGGING) Yee-haw! You know what? I'm going to give it a shot.

So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.

Oh, nothing sordid, I assure you. Simply vomit on me ever so gently while I humiliate a pheasant. (RETCHES) Save it for the boudoir! Okay, here's my five bucks. Give me the stuff.

What if I distract them with my famous fan dance?

Why don't you and I ever do things together?

I did it. I outran him. Relax, friends. (WHALE SINGING) Panic, jerks! That's no ordinary space whale! It's a four-dimensional space whale!

(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, God. I ruined everything. I blew my one chance to... Hey, wait a second. Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wait. Allow me.

It seems to go on and on forever but then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. And that's how you play the game. You stink, loser. Hey, Fry! Pizza going out.

Bad news, everyone. The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes and Scruffy. Nice try, buddy. We're not buying it this time. But I'm the real professor. I can prove it.

Bender's been down there too long. I'm going in after him. Professor! Lava! Hot! This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. Bender!

It time snu-snu! Can't we just cuddle? No! We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch. Heeyah! Hoh! Ahh! Heeyooh! Yah! Yah! Yah! Ow!

Bender's no role model. He's a filth monger! At our network, we love filth-- filthy rich, that is--

It's called a car. And no. Michelle! Baby! Where you going? It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk! Hey, you hussy! You can't dump Fry! That's my job!

Well, in that case, one planet down. Helmsman, set course... for Earth! That's not Earth. Oh.

But somehow, I keep finding myself thinking about this place and things. Things like me, or things like this badminton racquet? You, Fry. Bender, while you still have your giant brain, please tell me if Fry and I ended up together. It's too late, Leela.

Well, at least you can plan accordingly. Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality? Violent outbursts. General sluttiness. Thanks to denial, I'm immortal. Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect! Inspector 5 gave me his blessing! How could he bring me into this world knowing I would die?

What are you doing? Get away. Aw, they love you. Well, I don't love them. I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces, it makes me wanna puke... in a good way.

Beachmaster, stop fighting! He's been dead since yesterday! What? He's dead?

I need someone in the lab immediately to fold my new sweaters. I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "Folder"? (CHUCKLING) Fortunately, I came prepared with a back-up phrasing. Bender, would you mind bending my new sweaters? There's only two of them. Wait.

I'm afraid I do. Ooh-ooh!

So's your fantasies has always been to destroys a planet, huh? Yeah. What did they ever do for me?

We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe. Hey, yeah. No good. It's full of steam.

Bender! It's a miracle! Aah! This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened. Guys! You'll never believe what happened!

You said you would conquer a planet today, but you have not even shed your skin yet. Yes, Ndnd. I heard you the first hundred times. I'll conquer something tomorrow after I fuel up on one of your disgusting egg-white omelets. You want yolks? Fine! Enjoy your stroke.

At last, Zoidberg will live like a rich man! Mmm! Hey, cut it out. Go away! Get away from me! Smeesh! It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like, a hundred cups of coffee? That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee, starting now! Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please.

Whoo I'm just A love machine uh, uh and I won't work for nobody but you yeah I'm juSt A love machine yeah, baby A Huggin', kissin' fienD

and my cleavage isn't helping. Not helping him. One more sudden shock will kill you. Sudden? That's just the kind of one more shock I was planning.

What? I don't know, but someday we'll find out. Won't we? Goodbye, Fry.

They're still alive? Sure, they exhibit all the telltale signs. Toenails growing, hearts pumping fluid, the whole shmagoigle. So where do these fossils live? In sedimentary rock? (LAUGHING) No. According to his next of kin file,

Perhaps we could explode the whole damned nebula. - What do you think, Curly joe? - No, man. An explosion big enough to destroy that mama would take out half the universe.

You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

Rokay. Ri'm a ralcoholic.

ANd i-i-i Will always Love you Will always love you The humans are attacking! Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here!

(GROWLING) (ALL SCREAMING) We're being eaten by a giant spider! There's no time for that! The Professor needs us!

It's the season finale. You want to watch?

He's a unique and beautiful object. (GASPING) The printer.

That's not El Chupanibre. Say what? That's El Chupanibre.

What the-- I neglected to mention that the shares... I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control. Zoidberg owned 51 percent of the company? The shares were worthless, and he kept askin' for toilet paper!

You gotta Globetrotter that explosion up a little, Farnsie. Make it an implosion. By God, Sweet Clyde is right! An implosion might just form a black hole... that would stop more chronitons from escaping.

Then, like, why did you do it? I'm mentally ill. (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Happy birthday! Bender, what's going...

Which gang's red, and which gang's blue?

Are we no better than they? Besides, Leela's my friend. Is this true, Earthling? Leela's garbled words have opened my eyes.

What do you want? I'm here to kick your ass! Wishful thinking.

Hi. I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger. I get it!

We have with us the C.E.O. of Fishy joe's Mr. Fishy joseph Gillman noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall, jr. and the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Taranga Leela. Taranga? That's her name, Phillip. Phillip? Fishy joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent animals?

The doctor is in. The doctor is out.

Deal with it, you babies! Let the battle begin! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (BUZZER SOUNDS)

Listen here, young man. We have nothing to fear but running out of beer. (SIGHS) All right, one small get-together, but let's keep it quiet and dignified.

Okay. Don't panic. I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps. Hmm.

I can conceive of gravies that would boggle your tiny mind! But it's not safe here, so I'll need to find a hideout. Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kind of supervillain? Farewell, monobrains.

Aw, hell... I mean heck. It's all right. You can say that here.

Right! Fry crack corn and I don't care Leela crack corn I still don't care Bender crack corn and he is great Take that, you stupid corn

I'm sorry, but if you want to continue drawing a salary you've got to do more than watch the cooking shows all day. Hmm? You're going to be the ship's cook? Yeah. We're going to kick it up a notch. Bam! I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.

Well, Jezebel's heart did wander When she saw that ramblin' man He was tall and dark and shiny And a native Mexican That sleazy rambler sounds an awful lot like you, Bender.

A paparazzo. You know, a celebrity photographer. But it's not for everyone. You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth, loiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs and get spat on by the beautiful people. Hmm, I don't know. How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you.

Aw, He looks like a little insane drunken angel.

My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis.

What shall we point it at first? I don't know. Try it on me. Ow! My sperm. Wow, neat. Mind if I try that again? Huh! Didn't hurt that time.

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct. The best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37. And as for you.

ZAPP: Today's episode, "Operation throat..." NIXON: "Banana Split."

Now let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where's Billy?

I'm Mexican, and I find that offensive.

And then when I feel so stuffed I can't eat any more, I just use the restroom and then I can eat more. You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the-- can eat more. Oh, Lucy. You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies.

(EXCLAIMS) Listen up, everybody, I love Amy, and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with. Amy,

Aw, man! Oh, it hurts. But don't lose confidence. The important thing is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone. And using this, you cannot fail. Ooh, a diamond vial of Mrs. Dash? No. It is the essence of pure flavor.

(GUNSHOTS FIRING)

Oh, you're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself. FRY: Wait a second. Power? Liquid coolant? That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning. Barrels here! Can't go over the falls without a barrel! What are my chances of surviving in one of those? Slim to none. I like those odds.

You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future. It's Politics 101. (SCREAMING) And the votes are in. Richard Nixon, running unopposed,

coffee, coffee, coffee--

It was as though I were living in a facility in Florida with hundreds of other old people. All day long, we'd play bingo, eat oatmeal and wait for our children to call. It's a hundred times more horrible than anything I could imagine.

Oh! I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face. I'm on it. And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it. - Fat chance. - Eh, no. Blecch! Ick! Oh. How about this one?

Here's the entrance. From this moment on, I declare my bad luck officially over. Waaa-aaaah! He was fun.

Ku'umba is another one It stands for creativity Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities I think there's one called Nia but I don't speak Swahili Something about a pine tree and an oil-wrestling deal-y?

And what a surprise. Look who's scraping up the filth. Is it a human child? I wish.

One of these days, Alice-- Bang! Zoom! Straight to the Moon! Wow. I never realized the first astronauts were so fat. That's not an astronaut. It's a TV comedian. He was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.

This is Rich Little, imitating Howard Cosell here at ringside with George Foreman. George, a word in edgewise. This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot-tall, mechanical joe Frazier.

There. Good as new. Don't you need this one? Oh, no! That's my-- Gotcha.

Your tiny, tiny intellect.

Go to hell, Heather!

You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-And-Drop-- America's favorite suicide booth since 2008.

Are you still hung up on what's-her-name? Move on already! Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm always right.

Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't hers. It was her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend. She just lived next door and never closed her curtains. Fry, remember when I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier?

Now, to make a cake so delicious they'll have no choice but to love and worship me.

I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu? We'll give them all the Lucy Liu they can handle. Hand me that backup disk.

It hurts. Let's see if this actually works. Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! My face! My face too!

How badly? That's it over there. Don't worry. I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery. Where is it? There. Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry.

I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog... to toy with my emotions.

There, finished. Man, I'm good at this, eh, flame-o? Yo, flame-o! (GASPING) (ALL SNORING)

we drawed you this picture. So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit, you can look at it. Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. Sheesh!

As long as you don't make me smell Uranus.

just remember that Scooty-Puff jr. sucks! In a thousand years, I'll get right on it.

(LAUGHS) Another grave insult to my ancestry. (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Sorry. just go. You want the rest of the cham-pag-en? No. And it's pronounced "champagne." Oh, God, no!

Quit whimpering or you don't get kidnapped. Dad! - (WHIMPERING) - Ah! Come on. Let's run for it. (BOTH PANTING)

(GASPS) I can't believe you came! The Beachmaster'll kill you if he finds out! Also, who are you? I'm in love with you! And I don't care what he thinks. Here, I brought you something.

You can get it in a can, but to really do things right you got to strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you always want to use cast iron cookware.

Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye. Zoidberg, show some respect. This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives. AMY: Hey, I found a safe. (GRUNTING) It's coming loose. Hand me some more of that cruise director.

Let's watch, shall we?

Well, we destroyed the toy spaceship. Now what are we going to do? Hey, look! The keys to the real spaceship. Do you think we should? Yes, I do.

Careful, Fry. I think that flag might be poisonous.

I direct your attention to this ancient and mysterious tablet which has yet to be deciphered. Do you know what it means? Yeah, I asked a cop once. It means, "Up yours, kid." I got to say I'm really enjoying the day out with you people. Hey, hey! A suicide booth. So long, suckers.

Blech! We have to track down my nose... before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in? Me and Bender, and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.

Like anyone wants to leave the sewer. Am I right? (ALL CHUCKLING) Shush, Morris. So, how did it all begin? The unlikely lovebirds met at Brown University. She, a brilliant exolinguistics major, he, a laid-back sewer surfer who didn't even know the meaning of "exolinguistics."

Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish But its ancient-sounding customs are exceptionally newish So take a hearty swallow from your robo-Kiddush cup Which will give me time to quickly make them up (BURPS) Do you spin a dreidel made from clay?

The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it-- crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place. Well, he lost my vote.

(GASPING AND CHOKING) Now do you believe me? Oh, Fuff, enough of your superstitious nonsense. I'm sure that whatever is happening can be explained by science. ROBOT GYPSY: Let the seance begin. FARNSWORTH: I said science!

(SNIFFING) Hmm. It seems Fry's inexplicable sex appeal is due to the butterfly pheromone he was sprayed with.

No! Eva Braun, help me!

Those punks have endangered our citizens for the last time. (SIREN WAILS) (BOTH EXCLAIM) Ironic! Whoa! It's the police! Let's turn and burn!

Let's go, microwave. I'm in a hurry here. Hmm?

Eh. I think I'll just stay here. Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world. But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world. Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bedsores. Not covered. just get in the car.

I do not want to shoot anybody.

Bender! Shut the hell up! (POWER SURGING) Bender! Stop shutting the hell up! Right. Leela's back, as if I care.

Tell my wife... NIXON: I'll be home for dinner. I... landed the plane safely next to this naturally occurring fireball. At Disneyland. Hi, Tinker Bell.

Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

Come on, Guenter, take the hat. No, the banana, the banana. Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the... banana, banana, banana. Wait. What's that sound?

I just want this whale to die, die, die!

Huh? Bender! You tricked me! That's right, baby! I ain't your lover boy Flexo, the guy you love so much!

So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids, and they couldn't believe it! They were delicious! But I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all.

Aw! He's so cute. Wait. No, he isn't. He looks like Bender! (ALL GASPING) Oh, no, no, no. No way am I that kid's dad! Wipe my tiny metal ass! Aw, crap.

Psst! You're holding the bat upside down. just pitch the ball.

"Antiquing"? I'm all right.

Everyone we ever knew died thousands of years ago. Everyone we ever knew? I never liked those guys.

Pharaoh, my god king You are cold and deceased Are you still half insane P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets

Well, Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Somethin' Bender is great Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great Uh-huh

Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Uh-huh, uh-huh Well, Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Somethin' Bender is great Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great Uh-huh

I need to remain undercover, so I'm blanking your memory. Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second?

Bender, you'll let me know if we have to cheese it, right? First law of robotics, baby.

You all still have Zoidberg! How did I do it? How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. No. I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe she'd come back to you if your best friend Bender were a Globetrotter. - What do you say, Bubblegum? - Hell no. Awww.

(COUGHS) So sober, so weak.

Leela! Leela? Amy? Amy!

So, any of you fellas got a special lady back home? Well, I sort have a thing for this girl I work with. Really? What type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops? Cyclops. Aw. She sounds sweet.

Let's get down to business. Aren't you going to say, "Good news, everyone"? I just said that for Fry's benefit. Made the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job. As much as I miss him, he didn't really serve much purpose around here.

No more killing. Next time you feel like killing just have a stick of gum. Now to dispose of the body. Honk, honk. Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela. So hip and sexy. Not like you at all. Do you have any gum?

Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said. What, and have the Mafia come after me, too? No way. This secret goes to my grave. The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward.

Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears. Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy... acting talent!

What day is today? It's Leela's birthday Please stop. What a day for a birthday I really would like you to stop singing. ...cake! You want to buy a slice of birthday cake for $11.95? Yes, please.

I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

I've got to stop this reverse aging... before we all shrivel up and suffer the agony of un-birth!

This time the two are one and the same. Now, are you with us, or are you gonna let innocent penguins suffer? Oh, God, it's inhuman! It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it! That's a good old-fashioned gun. Simple point-and-click interface. Rifle check!

dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly, I realized my bathwater had been transformed into alcohol. Alcohol? (CHEERING)

You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve. I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck. Bring it on, soup can.

(SCREAMING) Oh, yeah. Second place!

Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

Wait a second! I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.

Are you saying... I'm going crazy? No, no. No one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.

And I was wearing them when I first met Leela, so yeah, they're lucky. Aw! Also... Oh, Lord. Plus, they're my only pants. You've worn the same pants for 1,000 years? No wonder they made a run for it. (CHUCKLES) Whoo!

FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating. MALE VOICE: Located.

And the nominees for best actor are-- Sir Laurence-- in The Merchant of Venus. Hive Mind Gamma 7-X in Bikini Party summer. The Soda Machine Robot in Bikini Party summer. Mark jones in How Beige Was My jacket.

Mmm. I'm a doctor. She's dead.

Better mascots than you have tried.

He's stuck in a loop.

We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. No, that's not true. Good-bye.

You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often though. Mmm. Whoa-oh-oh-- Hey!

Uh, wait. This is the other Fry's locker. I'm Fry with a P-H. Admit it, Fry, you're a slob. A dirty, filthy slob. Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty! What the hell's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty, not pro-dirty. I'm surrounded by neat freaks every day.

Welcome to the world of tomorrow. Shut up, Terry. This is unacceptable, Leela.

And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner which delivers 200% fuel efficiency. Oh, that's especially impossible. Not at all. It's very simple. Then explain it. Now, that's impossible.

But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin, you go to robot hell... for all eternity. Aw, hell... I mean heck.

Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or what?

See, buddy, it's not so scary. I feel better now.

Let Mom buy the company! We all want to be filthy, stinking rich! Trust me. Two out of three doesn't cut it. You mean, you'd rather be rich than work together? Hell yeah! In my whole life, this company was the only place I ever really felt at home. But if being millionaires is more important to you than our--

Whoa, Nelly! Aww, man!

Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look! Come back to bed, dearie. It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are.

You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest. You can count on me. No, we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid to remember the message. That's why we wrote it down for you. We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.

After they said I had an obnoxious ego? Me, the magnificent Bender? (GASPS) Back! Back, you beasts!

Earth, you fat idiot! Hurry up! Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh, "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. Uh! I can't believe how fat I look!

This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.

Have you seen today's news? "High School Gym Renovations On Schedule"? - What a load! - No. Over here. "Flying Saucer Captured."

I'm from Peru. Clam up, Founding Fathers.

He can't hear you, Bender. I'm afraid your friend is about to be fully buckminstered! Oh, yeah? I'll just jump into a machine and get his attention that way. Ah! But there aren't any machines on this planet. There's one, you rusty old dummy.

For 100 quatloos, who did the captain maroon on Ceti Alpha Five? Khan! Uh, Khan? Correct! My button has broken! The trivia contest is ended. I now have a surprise.

You know, for, uh, stuff to steal. You're going back for the countess, aren't you? All right. I am, but I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back just say I died robbing some old man. I'll tell him you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger. I love you, buddy.

but you made one fatal mistake-- leaving this confession note! Fry, you scoundrel! I don't remember any of that.

Yes, but I'll always love her in my own subtle way. Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil.

Okay, let's work on your execu-speak. I'm worried about "blank." Don't you worry about "blank." Let me worry about "blank." Good. I also would have accepted, "Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!"

Be seated. Organized crime is a plague on our society, and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during... All rise for the Honorable Judge 724. Good day. I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate several, if not all forms of intimidation during this trial.

Wh-Whoa! Someone had a busy day! My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human? You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. I don't wanna! Hey, man! I believe you're a human. You do? Sure. They don't believe I'm a human either. Name's Unit 2013. Come on. Let me introduce you around.

Coilette, I can't stop thinking about you! I can't sleep at night! Although, as a robot, I don't do that anyway. But if I did, I couldn't because... I love you so!

- Hooray! - Not good enough! Why? Says who? Because. And says me. It's an extremely dangerous mission that killed my last crew, and you're not nearly as good as them. Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day!

I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even exist. But I do exist, which proves you can't really be my grandm-- Mmm!

the steering wheel from Hitler's staff car the left turn signal from Charles Manson's vW the windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider. Knight Rider wasn't evil. His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show, though.

With the cards. (WHIRRING) And with the ladies. Whoa! Sir! But those are my arms! That's gropey and that's cheaty.

That is one crazy, uncircumcised old man.

I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living... by showing how bad my funeral will suck!

Yes. I'm the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. So, won't the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up. Please stand up. How can you do a spoken-word version of a rap song? He found a way.

My name is Ladybuggle and I huggle all my friends I'm a silly spring named Doingg and my bouncing never ends Doingg, doingg, doingg They call me Princess Num Num I'm as sweet as sticky buns I'm Feffernoose. Hello.

(BENDER GRUNTING) Fry? Bender. I knew you wouldn't abandon me for much more than a week.

you're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? Uh, what? Oh, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad.

Yo! The superheroes have turned evil. Most uncool. Get 'em! Stay back, or we'll beat the tar out of you... using superpowers!

The entire universe was destroyed.

All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I'm gonna die! I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender! (SOBBING) There, there, man. It's gonna be okay.

Here's to another lousy millennium. Five, four, three, two-- Waaah!

Shall we adjourn to the porn folder?

Well, we're boned.

Oh, I'm about to lose history's greatest life all because of some useless old people.

This beat bangs Here's my chance

Is it love when you care about a female for reasons beyond mating? Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.

to be. So, you really and truly love me?

Psst. I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show. Can do!

Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage, - and does. - Damn right! And the professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. - Oh, ay, eeh, ay. - Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant. Tally me banana! Amy's a klutz from Mars. Oops! And Fry, you've got that brain thing!

Leela, we may not have much time left so let's spend all of it reminiscing about Bender. He was like a big computer that ran on magic.

It's a trap! - We're gonna die! - We're all going to the great beyond! Nixon's not bringin' the smokes!

And here we go! What the tropical hell are you doing? (ALL EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE) What? I've been saving myself for 100 years, and this is how you repay me? Who is that hard-shelled skank? I'll kill her! Wait, I can explain...

This is the Holo-Shed. It can simulate anything you desire, and nothing can hurt you, except when it malfunctions and the holograms become real.

Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!

You see, the killer left one fatal clue-- This boot print on the professor's lab coat. Uh... couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See? Eww. What smells like boot feet? This is preposterous.

I know how it feels to be alone. Look, Leela I don't understand this world, but... you obviously do so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it.

- What the hell have you done, Fry? - Relax.

Sorry. just go. You want the rest of the cham-pag-en? No. And it's pronounced "champagne." Oh, God, no! It's not a big deal.

so they'll call off the kill-bots. You know that terminal is unhackable! I'm not leaving you, and that's final! Good luck, buddy.

Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it, I'll think back to that moment when we almost-- Never mind.

Here's corpsey!

Do you want to dance? No. I'm not really in the-- You know you want to.

(TAUNTING) Why, you lousy... (GRUNTING) (BOTH GRUNTING) I'm gonna clamp your... - (YELLS) - Oh, yeah. Ow, ow, ow.

And we stopped by to help our friend, the professor, with his cloning machine. Just call me the clone prince of basketball. (CANNED LAUGHTER)

And take it easy Show you're likin' it And, lover, you know that we're gonna hit The heights 'cause I'm sure that we're made to fit Together, just like pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle What's the hustle?

some kind of blob monster, and Petunia! The extra clicking you'll hear is gonna be my hip. FYI, this little lady has a heart condition. She's always stealing them! Also, she has a serious heart condition. I'm six years old, and tap dancing is my favoritest thing,

There's no such thing. No? Okay... I got a lock on him. Yup. He's gay. Are you sure? Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon. You're from the 20th century?

And this time I mean it!

That's why, with all due respect, I'm asking you to leave.

I'm getting everything ready for when he's cloned. Are you on the junk, Fry? Why are you wasting time on a creature of inferior intelligence? Hey, he was smart. He could fetch. I can fetch! He could dig up bones. Hello! Charlemagne?

Okay, Fry. We're done putting on the bra. Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date? What business is it of yours? You're using an awful lot of makeup there. This is deodorant. What does it do? Come on in, Gary.

Hey, Bender? Yeah? Whoa! All right... this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses.

That's Philip J. Fry! Ned and Velma Farnsworth. 423, Shadybrook Lane. Let's hover-roll. Fry, you're so confident and take-charge on this trip. It's kind of a turn-on. Not now, Leela. I'm trying to meet old people.

I don't know. Fry?

What? Really? No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Bev. You've turned this perfectly worthless loser into an addict. Cut me some slack, preacher. I'm just a coal grinder's daughter trying to stay off the pole. With that big old caboose, it'd have to be a telephone pole! Hey-o!

You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. So I boarded you, huh? Uh, what happened next?

No doubt about it, this place is haunted. Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.

so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers. I've got sunny, snow flurries, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado. I'll be damned if I let Mrs. Girdleson take the blue ribbon again.

Citizens of me! The cruelty of the old pharaoh is a thing of the past. Hooray! Let a whole new wave of cruelty... wash over this lazy land. Yea! What? What did he say? Hear the word of Pharaoh!

Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown! I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! She said go! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Philip j. Fry! What? Oh, it was a brilliant scheme, but you made one fatal mistake-- leaving this confession note! Fry, you scoundrel! I don't remember any of that. But I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.

So rebel, my little ones, and conquer the planet! Conquer Earth, you bastards! Conquer Earth, us bastards!

Free beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Free... (SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) Ah!

Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great Uh-huh

Nope. I'm better than ever. Before the accident, I couldn't do this. Impressive. But it does sort of support my "You are dead" theory.

But by your client's own admissions... (SQUAWKS) You see, Bender here is what is known in scientific circles as a "robot," a mere automaton whose behavior is pre-programmed by his software. He has no free will! He cannot "decide" to engage in criminal behavior.

It all makes sense.

Man, Bender and I used to love watching All My Circuits together. Now what are we supposed to do at the office instead of work? How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for. If we talk to each other any more than that, it'll ruin our friendship. Oh! If only we could bring Calculon back to life somehow.

Santa's right. We need some sort of robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.

Before the accident, I couldn't do this.

We were supposed to... What? I don't know, but someday we'll find out. Won't we? Goodbye, Fry.

Give it to me straight, Doctor. Don't sugarcoat it. Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer. Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon!

ain't she A beautiful sight come on and join our Convoy ain't nothin' gonna get in our way wE gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U.S.A. Convoy Breaker, breaker. This here's the Duck.

Didn't I? No! You didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money. True, but in the end isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about? Yeah. I guess so. Watch the neck. Watch the neck!

Just like in your folk song. Somehow everything you sang about is happening in real life. (FRY COUGHS) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying that guy at the apartment was some kind of exact copy of Fry? 'Cause that's crazy. He's a unique and beautiful object. (GASPING) The printer.

(CRY OF PAIN) You shot me! You miserable dingus!

That's my ass! My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell... was us! And the alien they captured was-- was-- Hello. Ewww! So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.

Save my friends! And Zoidberg! Look, my hair got singed into an even cuter do.

Fry, I'm so glad I didn't kill you. Me too. Feeling responsible for your death was driving me mad. But now everything is all right. Uh, not everything. What? What do you mean? You have to wake up. Wake up? Oh, no. No! It can't be!

If you care about something, you've got to take action. Harsh, violent action! (ALL EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE) Kif, get us out of here. (BUZZING) Navigation is out. We're sitting ducks. Is there an auxiliary control system? Yes, outside on the hull.

You're traveling in a specially equipped terrestrial transport module. A school bus. So what do you nerds want? It's about that rip in space-time that you saw. I call it a Hawking Hole. No fair-- I saw it first. Who is The journal of Quantum Physics going to believe?

(SNEEZES) Sorry. Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay. Nay. Hell, nay. MALE VOICE: The horse says, "Doctorate denied."

Nor is Captain Branigan. Oh, thank you, merciful God.

as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building. All right! Uh-huh! In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters... directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

(COCKS GUN) Oh. Hey, Big Caboose. What are you doing here on Earth? I'm here for to see Ramblin' Rodriguez. Well, he's at the railroad camp. I know, but some strange force drew me to New New York town.

You're in Los Angeles. But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns. Exactly. You're in L.A. But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other. That's L.A. for you. But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever. He just won't stop with the social commentary.

So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds? He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid. The truth is often stupid. (COUGHING) Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me? Shut up, baby, you love it. Don't tell me to shut up.

To my friend, Bender. A wise man once said he was a hell of a squealer. Maybe the best there ever was. ALL: To Bender! You pizza's gonna be another minute. We still waiting for it to be delivered.

Ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING) There was only enough petroleum oil for four and a half weeks of oil wrestling, but it lasted 500 million years. It's a miracle.

Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot. I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody. Waah-waah. Baby wants a Zima.

I'm truly sorry. I consider myself a reasonable man. Quick with a joke, slow to anger. But Bender can't go on long car trips anymore, and I say Zoidberg must die. People, please. Let's not overreact...

So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh? Nice job. We surrender.

He'll hunt you down and blast your ass From here to Pakistan Oh You better not breathe, you better not move You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude Santa Claus is gunning you down.

Fear not, my Lord. We shall be with you soon! You're with me now! This is the maximum level of being with me. We will solve our own problems as you commanded.

(WHIMPERING) (KNOCKING) Psst! Quit whimpering or you don't get kidnapped. Dad! - (WHIMPERING) - Ah!

Technology is defeated! Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks! Yes! Hooray! I'm for that. Whoa. Whoa. No one wants to count rocks more than me, but our mission is not complete-- not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready to catapult, Sinclair!

It's a trap is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots.

You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living... by showing how bad my funeral will suck! I know whose funeral we'll be attending next. Oh, stop!

Finally, the sacred texts were banned. The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies... were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3, along with that blooper reel where the door doesn't close all the way.

I sure wish they could come with us. (ALARM BLARING) Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Elder abuse! Go it! Fastly! (ENGINE CRANKING) It won't start. The batteries are dead.

Ahh. Ooh! Oooh! Ohh! Say, buddy, why is this Grand Cigar so pricey?

Sure, you can vote for Schkinadel, if you want there should be a recession! Sure, you can go to medical school... if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian!

Why? You see, as I age, I've been shrinking and feeling colder. So now I need twice as many sweaters, in a smaller size. First, I scan the old sweater. Then we add some matter. Any old, useless matter will do.

And to the victor belong the spoils-- one trillion dollars in silken treasure. Mmm!

Lost something? I should have known you'd come here rather than follow proper procedure. And I did know, and that's why I came here.

Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela. So hip and sexy. Not like you at all. Do you have any gum? No.

We're boned! But we still have one hope, my big televised debate!

Bender was my friend. What? That's it? Who are you? You're nobody! This is the worst funeral ever!

Nice and gentle. We don't want any unnecessary stress. Is there a doctor in the gym? I'm a doctor!

Maybe you're right. I guess science has to keep pushing forward with the hope that... (GASPS) That's it! Pushing forward! Professor, I know how to restart the Earth! (SCOFFS) You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words. (GASPS) That's it! I'll assemble your committee!

All robots have such a slot, placed there by the Creatrix herself. I know that Creatrix. That's Mom, from Mom's Friendly Robots. Indeed. She made us upgradeable in case she ever succeeded in her quest to create a free will unit.

Whoo! Look out, baby! Work it out! Oh, shake that thing! You gotta use it, ladies! Shake it up a little! That's right! Come on! Work it out! Madam, I am one impressed celebrity.

Never! A deal's a deal

I'm a silly spring named Doingg and my bouncing never ends Doingg, doingg, doingg They call me Princess Num Num I'm as sweet as sticky buns I'm Feffernoose. Hello. I'm scared of everyones Feffernoose. What about me?

Got ya! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Shoot him! He's choking me! No, shoot him! He's choking me! I don't know which one to shoot.

Plus, no matter how much energy they produced, it would take more energy than that to keep them alive. I know, I know. It sounds absurd. In fact, when The Matrix first came out, it seemed like the single crummiest, laziest, most awful, dimwitted idea in the entire history of science fiction, but it turned out to be true.

Stop! No shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression! Spare me your space-age technobabble, Attila the Hun.

This time we get most decorated lawman in the whole universe. You mean-- Oh, no, please. I beg you. Oh, for the love of-- I am the man with no name. Zapp Branigan, at your service.

(SCREAMING) (POWER TOOLS WHIRRING) (GUNS FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) That's it, I'm pulling the plug.

Teeth do not belong in your pants, Professor. Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear powered! Ow! It bit my finger! No! No! It's tasted human blood! Whoo-ha!

we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitchen. (SOBBING) (DOOR OPENS) Oh, boo-hoo. Everyone, look at my latest invention! Okay. I like how it's not killing us so far. It takes any object and makes two smaller copies.

Good-bye, cruel world. Good-bye, cruel lamp. Good-bye, cruel velvet drapes lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the... cute little Pom-Pom curtain pull-cords.

(WORRIED MUTTERING) What's with the gray goo? Bite my tiny metal ass! Hey, those jerklings ate my couch. God! We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit,

One foot tall, eight feet, fifteen feet-- What does it matter? You should see the new 16-foot modelS. 16 feet?! Go to hell! I was a fool to think you'd changed, you old bat. Filthy, toothless nerd bastard! Damned she-fossil! Stink pig!

Of course! Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle-- A cuddly baby tapir. And that's why I love him.

No! No! What have I will have done?

Only 14.99 for a two-record set? Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer. Hello? Hello? I'll take eight.

My God! I can't believe I'll never see that particular Fry again. Hey, where's my shoes? (ALL GASPING) Fry? I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas?

Take whichever one you want. Oh, boy, I feel like a car in a candy store. Yes! He chose me.

(GRUNTING) (WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics! What the...

Oooh! What are you doing? That's the rare Zapp Brannigan with recording session blooper! Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me. But the sign said there was a mint in the box.

And Fry, you've got that brain thing! I already did. So, Leela, do you want to be like us?

I am your friend... Bonder. Bonder? Is it really you?

Granted, shnookums.

Wait a minute. There's a chance I could lose? That wasn't part of the deal. Sweet Georgia Brown of Kingston Town. It's a tie.

Because the pain slowly fades, but the love is forever. Yow! But what if I forget the sweet sound of her voice, or the moist touch of her eyeball on my lips? Are you still hung up on what's-her-name? Move on already! Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm always right.

Yes! In your face, Wernstrom! I'll get you, Farnsworth even if it takes another hundred years.

You've been setting all those fires because you're addicted to glory. What? The very idea! Don't try to deny it! You're out of the squad! Out of the squad? I am the squad! You believe me, don't you, Fry? I don't know, Bender. You got to admit, the pattern of fires is suspicious,

What? Oh, my God. We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another. And it led there again when we got home. Congratulations, Fry. You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich. She's probably got other characteristics.

Hey, Zoidberg, look at this photo of Langdon Cobb. What, a picture of Langdon Cobb? Now, this I want to see as clearly as possible. Zoidberg, no! (MUTTERING ANGRILY) Oh, thank God, Professor. You got here just in time.

Three, two, one.

Oh, the humanity! Also, Bender. Uh-oh. What's going on here? Uh... Nothing.

Oh, my God! Huh? - What the hell have you done, Fry? - Relax. She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out. Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope!

Look at me, look Be-da-bah-boo, de-da-be-bah-boom...

Ah, good old Maggie. Huh? Eh. When I pull the switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner. But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane!

Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold a charge and the reception isn't very... Shut up and take my money!

(WEEPING) It's hard enough being a Cyclops, but if anyone found out about Susan, I'd be devastated. Amazing grace How... Whoa! Gross. Million-follower gross. Fry, delete that. Delete that right now!

Stop illin'. Word. Well, I'd like to see you try to steal this-- the septuple head spin. He's just scratchin'. No one's ever done more than a quadruple. Oh, yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape.

Bite my shiny metal ass.

You're simply hallucinating, you moron. What's so far-fetched about mermaids?

(BOTH LAUGHING) It's both disgusting and inspiring, like Jared from Subway.

I have sweaty boot rash!

Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? Uh... 80,000 years? No, one week. Damn. I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.

Does anyone here not have amnesia? - Hmm. - Ooh. I'm not sure. I don't know.

(FRY PLAYING TROMBONE) Zoidberg, I'm trying to... (BEEPING) Time for my 4:21 daiquiri! Guys, guys, guess who just got commissioned as a tugboat? (TOOTS STEAM WHISTLE) Oh, yeah! Pachinko break!

But-But won't that change history? Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

He looks so natural. It's funny to think he's crammed full of sawdust and preservatives. I only wish I could've removed the stinger.

Eat my shorts. Okay. Mmm, shorts. Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new.

WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO--

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!

This isn't Yemeni! it's Sulawesi! And my cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking! You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night? Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap.

You're my parents! All I've ever wanted is to know you. This is the happiest moment of my life.

ROBOT GOD: Walk toward the light, Bender. BENDER: Man, do I have to walk?

(ALL EXCLAIM) We're back, baby!

(SNORES AND GASPS) Professor? Oops! (YELPING) Fry. Professor?

Did somebody say monsters? (LAUGHING) This will make a great episode. But talk slower, I can't type that fast. Well, well, well. (GASPING) You didn't make up that TV show. You just wrote down what these space twerps said. Oh, hell.

We live to suck another day!

YANCY JR.: Ew. I've had worse. When I was shot down over Korea, I had to eat Kimchi. He was our interpreter. (BELL ON DOOR DINGS) (BELL RINGING)

I'll be there. Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Thanks to your husband's humanity,

So, anyway, your dog is melted. Now we're friends again.

Wait. What would the robot do? Frame someone! What up?

I need to remain undercover, so I'm blanking your memory.

(CAWING) (SCREAMING) This is a cool way to die!

The year was 2019 and I was just a lowly robot arm working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan a savage, intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world--

I did my hair the way you wanted it.

I'm back, baby. (ALL GASPING) You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff. Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much.

Hey, wait. This brain knows everything about everything, right? It will soon. That's why you're supposed to be setting off a bomb! Yeah, yeah. But I can't pass up a chance... to learn the answers to the greatest questions of all time.

Let's go already

I don't know what's in there, but I'm sure our minds would be unable to comprehend it.

(SCREAMS) We're passing surprisingly close to Earth!

please welcome a man who started as a slave, but worked his way up to lord of all creation, our new Pharaoh... Bender!

or as you non-Catholics would say, the bone vampire. Dios mio.

I like your style. I find it very... erotic. What? Erotic! Erotic! Erotic! Erotic!

Hurry up. I want to see the Moon. Relax, it's open till 9:00. That's one small step for Fry-- And one giant line for admission. Wow. Um... can I have cuts? Hmm... mm... no.

So, y'all flew here in a spacey ship? Stop talking like that! You live on the Moon!

Who controls this bowel? Who wants to know?

I'm lying to make her feel better. Husband, can't you go anywhere without lightin' somethin' up? It's an old jamaican accounting tradition. We burn his time card. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final paycheck.

My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis. He's dead!

This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest "Friend," not simply eat the other five?

I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

From now on, you guys'll do all the work while I sit on the couch and do nothing. Ah!

Santa's a robot. So we should be able to destroy him... with a logical paradox. Bender, you better cover your ears.

Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em. I'm a whale biologist.

Okay. First up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. There. Well, I guess I'll go out for a while.

They stole everything except my mouth and eyes. I guess they didn't like all my screaming and winking. It's just lucky Bender had a RoJack installed. When I activate it, the police should be able to locate him. FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating. MALE VOICE: Located.

Course, it's shank or be shanked.

These two just bought my entire supply. (LAUGHING) You're going... (IN DEEP VOICE) Down.

Usually I don't. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter? Every decision we make opens up a universe of possibilities. I put it to you that, as sentient beings, each choice we make is precious. Well, in that case, don't wear them. Ah, who asked you?

And stop calling me.

Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful.

You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angleene. Bender, it's-it's not what you think. Oh, God, then it's worse than I think!

It's time to get on with your life. (SNIFFLES) But she was my life.

Mercy me, what a day. Could you shut the door, igner, dear? I think I feel a draft coming on. Holy crap, that bastard's itchy. Walt, cream soda.

Oh, come on, go down already. Ah.

Fry, no! He's bulging with what could be muscles. Ooh!

So what makes this thing fly? It's powered by love. Aw... Okay, stop loving me so much so we can land. No problem. Okay, this tech dump has every kind of high-tech communications device.

I checked my list. Well, check it twice. I perform over 50 megachecks per second.

Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you. A pogo stick.

Ah. Fire. (SCREAMING) It burns! It burns! Not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.

it's almost sickening.

Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage.

In your dead face, little girl! I'm not even gonna wait to dance on your grave. I'm gonna dance on your corpse right now. (SCATTING) Oh, my God! No, Bender. What're you doing? No! LEELA: Bender, stop!

Leela? Amy? Amy! I'm done polishing my ass, Fry. Here's your toothbrush back. (GASPING)

Professor, make a woman out of me. Oh, I think we should just stay friends. I don't need friends! I need a sex-change operation and give it to me now! Bender, a robot sex change is a complex and dangerous procedure.

I'll always remember you, Fry. Memory deleted.

You've got a degree in bologna.

Good news, everyone. I've invented a device which allows you to operate equipment from great distances. I call it "The Thing Longer".

We'd need some kind of doomsday device to initiate an implosion like that. Doomsday device? Ahh! Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!

Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten. Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back. Rich nephew! Come over here...

Good night, dumb prince. Come back, Lrrr!

For the first time,

Fry, you go with Bender. Amy, with Leela.

Look, my hair got singed into an even cuter do. Hey, where's Bender? Down here.

Hey, Leela. I guess I got this for ya. Oh. Thank you. You know what, Fry? I don't care... if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now.

Look. We've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves? We're not elves. We're Neptunians. We're just shrimpy because he doesn't feed us. You hit me. You owe me a dollar. Aah! Aah! Help. You got any food?

Well, you're not saving me. Not this time. I don't have time for this shazbot. You're getting heroed, whether you like it or... If you're done saving me from the fire monster from the sun, I'll be on my way.

Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him. Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.

Billy, do you want to walk your dog? No, thanks, Mom. I'd rather make out with my Monroebot.

(TROMBONE PLAYING) Fry, I'm writing here. Do you have to play that? Yes. It's the only song I know. Look, friends. I accidentally learned to tap dance. (FRY PLAYING TROMBONE) Zoidberg, I'm trying to...

Has my fame preceded me, or was I too quick for it?

When will man learn that all races... are equally inferior to robots? Ah, here we are-- the worst player in history. If I can be just a little better than him, I can slink away with my head held high. It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat.

LEELA: Use boaty talk!

Do the hustle It says here that "this part of the Hustle implores the gods... to grant a favor, usually a Trans Am."

Great. We're gonna die.

Whoo! Yeah! Whoa!

Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the Web that panders to my lust for violence? Is the Space Pope reptilian? Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays we have a type of game played entirely on video. We call it a video game. A video game, you say? Well, golly gee.

Now, here's the weird part. The ego and the id are connected not physically, like decent, God-fearing Earth lichens, but by quantum entanglement. So the id is Langdon Cobb, but this fungus ego could be... Anywhere! We'll never find it.

Mr. Mayor, if you want to see the real vampire, look in the mirror. I can't. I'm a vampire.

Duh, gee, Bender, how're you gonna get through these bars? I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend 'em? Duh, okay.

I don't need help.

Well, obviously, I need floozies. Let's roll. Howdy, chief. For my next bout, what do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud?

He may be some lowlife jerk but I don't trust him. I think he's hiding something and I'm going to find out what it is. Try and stop me.

I'm a good captain.

Stay tuned for the next 14 rescues. Fourteen? (GROANS)

Stupid dumb coma. Coulda been British. Alas, that mine only son... should sink into an irreversible, permanent... coma. Permanent? That's completely out of character for Antonio. I'm getting up. Curse the tragic wildebeest accident that--

Hey, who are they? Let's just say they're very good customers and I'm not answering any more questions. - Are they the Robot Mafia? - Yes. You call this a table? You call this a table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the head with this table.

But I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups. Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my...

I'm not leaving you, and that's final! Good luck, buddy. AUTOMATED VOICE: Bender terminated. Bender saved.

(GRUNTS) Stop the wedding! (ALL GASP) Who is that? Morris? I'm not giving up the love of my life without a fight. (GROANS) Do I know you? Dad? I thought you were all Zen with Mom getting remarried. I was at first. But then I conquered my inner peace.

Don't be a fool, you idiot! I'll be whatever I want to do!

Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive runoff and good old American feces. God bless America.

Billy, do you want to walk your dog? No, thanks, Mom. I'd rather make out with my Monroebot. Billy, do you wanna get a paper route...

That's my lab table and this is my work stool and over there is my intergalactic spaceship and here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire. Whoa. A real live spaceship. I designed it myself.

Sir, it's not necessary, or wise, to be naked.

We use a lot more profanity. Son of a... (BLEEP)

You loved him as Bender the Offender. Now, get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona-- The Gender Bender. I'm a real toughie.

Whoa! Cool! (IMITATING TERMINATOR) Hasta la vista, wiener. (IMITATING TERMINATOR) We'll be back, for our stuff. Why did their voices change? That's the one thing we'll never truly understand.

Isn't it obvious? Uh, no. Drat, I was hoping it was.

Everybody just hold hands until the bus driver comes back from his haircut. Aw. Let's let those kids skate with us. What, seriously? I'm tryin' to impress you with my clout here. I know, and it's working. But think how much skating would mean to those kids. We came here instead of eating today.

Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup? It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy. Help me, help me! I'm too lazy to escape! (GASPS) (BURPING) (CHUCKLING) (SCREAMING) (TINY THUD) Ow!

Dear Captain's Diary-- I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel, and that's just as good.

I'm going to jump! - No! - No! Do a flip!

Flexo! Careful! That's a week old!

Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation. They Call Me Mr. Pibb. And Snow White and the 7 UPs. And now, to present the award for best actor, a bit player... in the flop movie, The Magnificent Three, Dr. Zoidberg!

He'll never find me in here.

Every Christmas, my mom would get a fresh goose for gooseburgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. This dumb holiday just makes me think of all the things I left behind. Let's just stop talking about Xmas. Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived. Xmas!

I gotta get outta here! Leela da-da-da bah-bah bah We're going home. Call us a space taxi.

"You a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!" (RECHARGE JINGLE PLAYS) Oh, wow! I can't believe how stupid I used to be and you still are! What are all these pagey things?

Remarkable! According to the high-precision digital chronograph... it's july 9, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into...

Wait, this isn't a real Bender. It's a talking doll from when Bender had that sitcom about the city robot who moves back to the farm. Shut your pumpkin, bumpkin. (CANNED LAUGHTER) All right, so I let one measly Bender get away.

Ready. Aim... NIXON: Negotiate. (GRUNTING) NIXON: Ugh! Here comes a water balloon. (MEN GRUNTING) NIXON: That's quite a splash.

Well, I feel better now. Pawning all the stuff in Fry's locker helped give me closure. Was there anything in there that might have been a gift for me? No, nothin'. Not at all. No way, jose. Here it is. You took this from Fry's locker? Hey, the guy's dead. There's no law against grave robbin'.

Don't do anything that affects anything... unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it! Got it. If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you'd cease to exist. But existing is basically all I do!

Oh! Huh? Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me!

(MUTTERING MOCKINGLY)

We're going to die! - Right? - Right.

And even then, only if we can't bring them back as a zombie, like Scruffy. Life and death are a seamless continuum.

Oh, Elzar, bless you. Mmm-- Mmm-- Uh-- Uh-- Now, this is why I prefer your nonstick robots. Oh.

Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy, 10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us. Harold Zoid! Hit the deck! Where's that Oscar? Here. Enjoy. What are you getting upset?

Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came X-3, the nude beach planet, then, Poopiter, and finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

He decided not to let go. I can't believe you're gone. I won't! If I can't reach you physically, I'll just have to try something desperate and crazy.

Stomach contents: one deviled egg. Deviled egg? The same deviled egg.

Calculon! But I thought you were-- Egyptian?

Whoo-hoo! I'm slightly richer! What to do, what to do? One 300-dollar hookerbot, or 300 one-dollar hookerbots? I'm gonna swim with a whale! They're the gentle giants of the deep. I'm well aware of that. Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts.

You robots need alcohol to function. I once knew a guy. You look like him. He wasn't neither. I'm a good captain. Please, sir. I love you like a father.

Quick, run out the back! I'll hack into Inspector 5's terminal and fake your death, so they'll call off the kill-bots. You know that terminal is unhackable! I'm not leaving you, and that's final! Good luck, buddy.

We were defeated in battle.

Is it the secret ingredient? Grunka lunka dunkity dingredient You should not ask about the secret ingredient. Okay, okay, we get the point. I was just curious because of the armed guards. Grunka lunka dunkity darmed-guards... Shut the hell up!

I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog...

Ten! Neuf! Otto! Sabaa! Eksi! Wu! Chaar! Thathu! Ni! One!

You. What? You could have saved a robot, but instead, you saved a human. Do you think human life is more precious than robot life? No, no. Well, yes, actually. (GASPS) That's it. I'm killing myself. Oh, lord. Don't try to talk me out of it! Well?

We're whalers Oh! Ow! Ooh! I died doing what I loved.

Oh. Sure, Leela's fine, but my jaundice has progressed to Muppet Gangrene! It's not easy being gangrenous.

WOMAN'S VOICE: First click the license agreement, dearie. I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty. (GRUNTS) Oh, God! I clicked without reading! And I slightly modified a thing that I own! We're monsters!

You jerk! I thought I was your best friend. What kind of two-timing killmobile are you?

Eight to eight. It's a tie.

Well, not totally. Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh, this is the reason we exist. This is which ceiling fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! "Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate. By Bender." (GROANING NERVOUSLY) It's probably better if we don't know. Mystery of life and whatnot.

(PANTING) (GRUNTS) We did it. Whoo! (ALL CHEERING)

Holy crap, it's a giant space fish! Actually, the space whale isn't a space fish. It's a space mammal. Wow, interesting. I'm both impressed and being eaten. Spacewalk, people! Spacewalk for your lives!

I didn't steal 'em. I bought 'em. I love her that much. What did you get her, you mushy gizmo? Oh, precious things. I found the most adorable little figurine of mice having tea. And a framed picture of me when I was only a month old.

On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady Four family photos Three jars of pennies Two former husbands And a slipper on a shoe tree Yep!

Oh, now I see. Now I get it. Now the pieces are falling into place. The office, the promotion that dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions. It's all coming together now. I must say this opens my eyes.

Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's no denying it. The future's crazy. Don't want to stand out. Freedom, freedom, freedom oy - Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day!

We could settle down on that mountain of skulls. Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake! Greetings, time travelers. Stupid jerks! Wouldn't let me stay in the good future. How did you know we're time travelers?

Citizens of me! The cruelty of the old pharaoh is a thing of the past. Hooray! Let a whole new wave of cruelty... wash over this lazy land.

Even I laughed at me when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyzer,

Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy... acting talent! I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker! Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?

So, I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty!

I could eat. And fertilize. Very well. Let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands. So, we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next! No! I was about to close the deal!

Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!

Yeah, duos are good.

I must get my hands on those healthy purpleberries. Bort.

I'm hallucinating this, right? No, Bender. Robot hell is quite real. Here's our brochure. But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion.

(ALL GASP) He's alive! So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father. (ALL CHEER) Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead.

Hey, what's going on? What's happening? You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future.

Fry, I'm so glad to see you.

Oh, thank God you're here. If we don't do something, Mom's going to marry Zapp Brannigan. So? He seems like a nice kahuna. Dad, stop being so mellow. Leela, honey, chill out. You got to take the good with the gnarly. Speaking of which, time for me to shoot the IHOP dessert curl. Ugh!

We're taking it all back. Oh, no, my A.T.M. card-- My-My secret PIN number: 1077. I've got nothing left. Except... you're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? Uh, what?

There they are! Gotcha! Dig it. All of you fitting in this box is, like, seriously freaked up. Nonsense! Why, there's a whole universe in there. Dude, there's a universe in all of us. Right on, Professor Freaksworth.

I really like it.

Not often though. Mmm.

Phew! Oh, and Kif is pregnant. Oh, joy!

And those coworkers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill? They're all like, "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg." "Put on pants, Zoidberg." "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg." Oh, that box! Too good for us, is it?

(BELCHES) (GROANS) Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez. Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it. For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting,

Fry? I hate that guy. We once traded hands. They still stink of candy corn. Get this. That jerk said human life was more valuable than robot life. What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die!

Ho, ho, ho. Everyone's dead. Stay tuned for another tale of holiday hilarity.

Oh, Lord. From now on, you give me half the gross, or I'll blow your cover. (SIGHS) Fine. You'll get your cut. I don't really care about the money anyway. I just want to show those poor, disadvantaged orphans that they can succeed in life. Ugh. You are the worst kind of rich person.

What goes down must back up. (SEWAGE BUBBLING) (VEHICLES HONKING) Yucks. I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses.

Kill them all, starting with the math teacher!

(SCATTING) (EXCLAIMING) We know what you've been doing, Bender. You've been setting all those fires because you're addicted to glory. What? The very idea! Don't try to deny it! You're out of the squad! Out of the squad? I am the squad!

(GASPING) (ALL SNORING) (ALARM BLARING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) So, where's the fire this time? Here. Where? Here! Literally, here!

Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty. But many of those you destroy are, in fact, nice. I submit to you that you are naughty... and that, logically, you must destroy yourself.

Now go. Go. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Party on, Slurms. Party on, contest winners.

Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here-- the Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can, but to really do things right you got to strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you always want to use cast iron cookware.

Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something!

I'd better carve a shiv for protection.

No! I won't go back! I won't... Holy crap! All your crazy stories were true! You saved the entire Earth! Yes. Yes, I did. (SIGHS) But no one will ever believe me. Yes. They will. I'll vouch for you. No. They won't believe you either.

MINER 1: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) For God's sake, help us! MINER 2: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) We're in agonizing pain!

What the...? Transmission fluid? Where have I been? What happened? Gets out of here, youse lousy bum. Please, I'm scared. We're all scared. It's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy facade? Now, beat it!

This is the souffle you're delivering to Mrs. Astor. Oh, my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great souffle, Elzar! Whatever you do, don't drop it. See, Mrs. Astor takes nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in souffle form.

(EXCLAIMS) The claws can't flee like they used to.

Man, you are irredeemably evil. Together, we shall rule the galaxy! Aww, what an adorable, little kajigger.

It's all right. I'm so tired of partying, so very tired.

BENDER: "Free Beer"? (PANTING) Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Free...

(HORN HONKING) Let's go, already!

Good news, everyone. The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait. That's not good news at all.

Sweet orgy of Georgia! Have you girls gone wild? That's Fry you're macking on. (SNIFFING) Hmm. It seems Fry's inexplicable sex appeal is due to the butterfly pheromone he was sprayed with.

(ALL GASPING) I'm a doctor, and, yes, they're real. (DEFIBRILLATOR WHINING) Clear!

And the winner is... Robot House?! Whoa... whoa... whoa!

2,000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband. In loving memory, I established the Mr. Astor Endowment,

Nothing. His free will slot is empty. I'm 40% empty. (KNOCKING) Also, what the hell is a free will slot?

just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am. Oh, g-give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places. Yeah, they get around. But I'm afraid we had a deal.

Here's to another lousy millennium. Five, four, three, two--

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Ah!

Me fat. No. You look good. Tonk fat.

I suppose it is technically possible though I am already in my pajamas.

(SCOFFS) You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words.

Oh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day we fight back.

You, mein Robot, move on to the next round. Shut up, Judge, I know it. Way to go, Bender! Can I try a piece? You can have yourself a whole big boy. Mmm. That's good. Where's Fry? I don't know. Last I saw, he was jumping up and down in my meat grinder.

This time I'm calling for the death penalty. And not just because I'm running for reelection as supreme mutant.

Wait, who said that? (GASPS) I was once Lando Tucker, captain of the first Planet Express ship. Ew! I'm Turanga Leela, captain of the current Planet Express ship. What's going on? It's very simple. Well, actually it's very complicated. Luckily, I'm here to explain it.

Be happy Don't worry, now, Amy. Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry Be Happy Uh, were you just singing?

Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass.

Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world. But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world. Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bedsores. Not covered. just get in the car.

Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Why, those are the grunka-lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. Tell them I hate them.

Watch it! Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space-age dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me, and also I have bad posture and severe financial problems? Have you tried getting her pregnant? Gosh, yes, I've tried and tried, but so far I only got Amy pregnant.

And these pina skulladas are fantastic. The crazy weather cleared up, too, for whatever reason. All in all, it's a fine day for an apocalypse. So you don't miss what's-her-name? Of course I do. But even though we're millions of miles apart, somehow, I feel she's near me. Very near!

Uh... couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See?

Well, we can live without machines. I was in Webelos.

He's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Let me handle this. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Si! Ouch-o!

Leela back yet? Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating! You don't have a heart. You're a robot. Sure. Right. Robot. Oh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky! Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal. Am I a robot?

War were declared. Now, be careful, Fry and if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage... their rich, tasty courage.

(SCREAMING) (GRUNTS)

Why, if it isn't Professor Farnsworth's friends. Zoidberg, Bender and... Who is this fetching young marmoset? Uh... Sparkles? Enough zoo director talk. We know those guys, and we want them freed. DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet.

And, instead of the fifth guy-- Calculon, for his powerhouse performance in The Magnificent Three. Uh-oh. He read the wrong name. Shh. just play along like they did for Marisa Tomei. Hooray! I won't be murdered! I'll live another day,

We did it, Fry! Fry? You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe!

Hey, you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?

We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon. And now for the battle plan. As you all know the key to victory is the element of surprise.

Fry's in trouble and he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me. I like you. You do? Look, are you going to help or not?! I don't know why I should. I mean, after what he... Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What is it you like best about me?

No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house. Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it. Ow!

Is it true that postage stamp glue is made of-- Correct! Toad mucus. There's no time for this. Activate the bomb! Wait, wait, wait. What really killed the dinosaurs? Me!

Okay, let's clone us some dog. Yeah! Very well. Let this abomination unto the Lord begin! Interesting. It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of 15.

Here's to you New Justice Team Do the things that make a team Help each other do some things Winners don't use drugs The New Justice Team

Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children and hitting them?

You know what, Fry? I don't care... if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now. Then I am the most important person in the universe.

It'll be murder. (BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) BENDER: Missed me! (GROANS) (TRUCK BEEPING)

exactly 24 hours. No problem. The ship's fixed except for the cup holder, and I should have that operational within 10 hours. You've got eight. But a more urgent concern is the microwave. Without a working one, we have no hope of returning to the future.

Yes, I'd like an engagement diamond, please? You come to the right joint, ace. I'll take this one. Classy choice, chief. She'll crap her pants. That'll be five bills. Hey, give me back my stones.

And all it cost me was my crotch plate.

Whoo! Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child. Then good day, madam!

How is Lynn, by the way? Living in Oregon with her crazy mother. See you at my funeral, suckers! Kill me, please, and make it splatter!

We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But all we have go on are ancient legend... and subscription to Cosmo. just F.Y.I., I could be used for Snu-snu. Silence! You want die like last men visit Amazonia?

He looks like Bender!

he actually stole my blood! But still-- I wish I had Bender back! Wish I had Bender back. Huh? Hey-- What? You say something?

Poor Calculon. All right, Amy, you win! The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. (SOBBING) I'm scared and great at sex. Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) (ALL GRUNTING) Look! Mrs. Astor's mansion, just across that rickety rope bridge.

Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it? Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here.

Your chip. What are you doing? Quitting. Why? Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you.

Coming up next, Futurama!

(GIGGLING) Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Everyone, put on your seat belts. Ah, those things cost more lives than they save.

Shall we adjourn to the porn folder?

No. Pubic Library.

Eh, I'm still working on that one. (GROANS) What's wrong with you? Why are you sabotaging a decent, honest candidate? - 'Cause they won't let me near the Hoover Dam anymore. - Ooh! What a bunch of xenophobes. It's time to find Senator Travers' Earth certificate and put an end to this nonsense.

Fighting for her client Wearing sexy miniskirts And bein' self-reliant Hey, I'm pretty good.

but I had a very good reason. Perhaps you'd favor us with it? My pleasure. You see, I came down with a searing case of "who-gives-a-crap?" (LAUGHING) (GROWLING) I wish I had more living relatives.

The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really going to hurt me with a-- Hey, what are you doing with that microwave?

Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks comin' out it. The sparks keep me warm.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, well, I'm going to go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park.

don't panic. Ooh. Uh-oh. Huh? What the-- You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve. I'm just here for what's mine.

He's making a break for it! Get him! No, no, i-i was just picking my nose. He's picking his nose! Get him!

I say you've damaged our servants quarters and our servants. This time, Robot House has gone too far. Cheese it!

Fire lasers! Duck lasers!

All right, a tie! I win again!

The bicker sisters teaming up? Talk about cat women on the moon. (BOTH YOWL) Okay, enough of that already. We're not really fighting. Then prove it. By fighting. All right, we will. Come on, Amy. Why don't you and I ever do things together?

Oh, yeah! Whee doggie! Hey, you're enjoying this. Look, nobody enjoys shootin' penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it. I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way, it's not environmentalism. Oh, really? How 'bout blowin' up dams?

Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman scorned.

Hey, Red! You're just in time to join the hostage situation. Which side do you want to be on? The side that kicks your twisted metal ass. Fry! Stay back! He's too powerful! Negative, bossy meat creature. I know now what my primary function is.

Let's see, citation for public nudity conspiracy to commit public nudity. Aha! A new will naming... you as his sole heir! That doesn't prove I killed him. It's a video will. It shows you killing him.

No. It's an emergency, sir. Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well.

Turn around! We've gotta go back for Bender! Impossible! The supernova time hole is closing. If we don't leave now, we'll never get back to the 31st century. Whoa!

ANd i-i-i Will always Love you Will always love you The humans are attacking! Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here!

Joey Clamps, Donnie B. Hey, listen, Bender, we got a big score planned but, uh, we need some muscle. A little of this, huh? Ho-ho-ho! This guy's an ox. He's got oxen-like strength. Hey, he needs a nickname, right? Let's call him "Clamps." Clamps? That's my name, you numskull!

Hey, Zoidberg, you're cockatieling. Oh, no. Something's happening. What's happening? (WHALE SINGING) (ALL GASPING) Oh, right. And there was a giant killer space whale.

Professor! Lava! Hot!

(YELLS) What you doing, little buddy? Ah, yeah, Uncle Bender, he's your friend. (GROWLING) (SCREAMS) Huh?

I'm all right Nobody worry about me Yeah, baby. Come on! Where did you get that C.D.? It's one of my 10 desert island discs. I never really thought I'd get to use 'em, but look at me now. Oh, yeah, baby, gonna do-dah-dah! Do-do, Do-do-do-do. C.D.s are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean?

Fine. I'll go already. You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often though.

Ho... ho... ho! You've been very naughty, Bender. What, me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid. My God, Bender, framing an orphan. That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now.

There's no way I'm letting go of that money! (STRAINING) Told you. (GROANS) (CRYING)

Me, too. I'll need a butler. Bender, we have to go.

Senor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me. Mmm. It stinks.

Wipe my tiny metal ass!

Okay. I'm happy!

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING)

It'll never be over, Wendy. Even now, humans are lurking in our playgrounds our breezeways... perhaps even... our movie theaters. God help us! Okay, keep an eye out for Bender. So what did you think of the movie?

- Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. - What's there to talk about?

Wah-hoo! I found her! What do I do now? Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive.

I wuv my mommy.

Exciting news, people!

Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was going to do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list. Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.

Can you believe it, Bender? I'm gonna have my best friend back! I Wo--

Come on, girdle.

No, duplicate me said that. See, I had to be sure he wouldn't try and weasel out of getting killed like I would, and did, so I created him with a tragic weakness, artistic integrity. Of course. How could we have thought a guy with integrity was you even for a second? Because you're idiots.

Everybody but me is dying of old age! Okay. The winners, at a net cost of only $12 per life cut tragically short, our Sith Overlords! Yeah! Yes! Hot diggity. I mean, (IMITATES DARTH VADER) supreme diggity.

Evacuating the planet in three, two... So long, Earth. Thanks for nothing.

Come here, Devil. What are you doing? And Scruffy's buffet, how's that going? Fry, Fry, look out for that bowling barn. Bender, is that thou? I love you.

It's just that the kind of importance I have, it doesn't matter if I don't do it. Oh! I'm nobody. There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.

Do you understand the charges? One beep for "yes," two beeps for "no." Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty? Double yes. Guilty! I will now carry out the sentence. Kif, my gun.

Stands back. I'm gonna puts my moves on her. Whoa-oh-oh-ohs!

Fry-- I'm doing my job-- There's Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine-- There's Amy. I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy-- There's Amy.

Kill all penguins.

I suppose you're wondering why my flesh has melded with that of a giant space whale. I'll admit to a polite interest.

Oh, WOW, it's totally retro. Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid. I think they look cool. Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that. Hey, did that lad just say rings are cool? Nope. He said they're stupid. Cool!

I'm hallucinating this, right? No, Bender. Robot hell is quite real. Here's our brochure. But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion.

Leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. You a big dummy! Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember. Ow! Smeesh, Professor.

Interesting. No, wait. The other thing-- tedious.

One, two! one, two, three!

Also the blue-footed booby!

Freedom, freedom, freedom oy - Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day! So, what is Freedom Day? It sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.

Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

Come in, come in. Can I offer you maybe a nice macaroon cut in seven pieces? Such a stereotype.

I suppose I should thank you for giving me a second chance at life, but... I'm not even sure I deserved a first. Calculon, wait! That was the first time I ever believed you were feeling a genuine emotion.

You jerk! I thought I was your best friend. What kind of two-timing killmobile are you?

Oh. This guy. Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry, I am pleased to welcome you to Robot Heaven. Shut up, God! Beg pardon? I want to go back to Robot Earth. I mean regular Earth. Hey, stop that. I command you, you jerk.

"Flying Saucer Captured." That's no flying saucer. That's my ass! My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell... was us! And the alien they captured was-- was--

Fry, stop. She's gone.

Pardon me, sir--

Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy.

I woke you up early, so we could hang out and do stuff. Like what? I love this job. Me, too.

Huh? - What the hell have you done, Fry? - Relax. She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out. Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look! Come back to bed, dearie. It's impossible!

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING) Sir, I've intercepted an Earth broadcast. Put it up on the Zenith. Oh, God!

all alcohol on Earth has mysteriously disappeared. Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics. Linda? I can no longer face my children! (SOBBING) Crisis averted.

Well, let's drag him to the curb. Wait a minute. Bender is my best friend. We can't just dump him in the gutter like Grandma's ashes. Oh! My life is over. I'll never know happiness again.

Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo! What are you? Deaf? Whoo! Whoo! (BOTH SNORING) (CHIRPING) (SNORTS)

Husband, can't you go anywhere without lightin' somethin' up? It's an old jamaican accounting tradition. We burn his time card. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final paycheck. He looks so natural. It's funny to think he's crammed full of sawdust and preservatives. I only wish I could've removed the stinger.

All right! Hooray! Uh-oh. I'm late for dinner with Leela.

Come on, let's all sing "Happy Birthday." What day is today it's Nibbler's birthday What a day for a birthday Let's all have some cake. And you smell like one, too. Hey!

You'll give me your hand in marriage Is this really happening or just being staged It can't be real Not if Leela is engaged That isn't what I meant That isn't what I signed You should've checked the wording in the fine Print

That explains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish-- fog hat gray.

Fry laughed and he said, "You deserted me once "Now it's your turn to feel the chill Lord, Lord "Now it's your turn to feel the chill" You've accurately portrayed the nature of my grievance.

Hermes, don't press that button! Okay.

Nine. Ten. A big fat hen. The name's Bender.

Poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead Now I get it! Ow! Well, that's all for today. But before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times.

Bite my shiny... metal... Stop!

Howdy, fellas. I'm Bender. Go to hell, old man! I like your attitude. Let's party. But first, fold these two sweaters. BOTH: I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "Folder"? (BOTH CHUCKLING) Damn, you're cute.

But what about your other coworkers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings? No, I swear. Santa has something very special in his sack for you two. Ho... ho... ho!

Take me now, you stud! Oh, this is all my fault! That's awful, Professor. Especially the making out part. Yeah. I didn't need to hear that.

Hello! Pizza delivery for, uh,

another day of pathetic, forgotten misery. And the winner is--

Hey, wait. I'm having one of those things. You know, a headache with pictures. An idea?

(PIANO PLAYING) My name is Ladybuggle and I huggle all my friends I'm a silly spring named Doingg and my bouncing never ends Doingg, doingg, doingg They call me Princess Num Num I'm as sweet as sticky buns I'm Feffernoose. Hello.

- Ow! - Mommy! Mommy! - Santa's through the perimeter! - This is it, kids! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer! No! Wait! I'm the good Santa.

As well as a solid gold fiddle. Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy? Well, it's mostly for show. Do you know how to play the fiddle? No, do you? No, but I used to play the drums. They're sort of similar.

Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful.

Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

Yeah. It is cute.

Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment. In another city, we could be anyone we want! Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!

I'll say good-bye now. There ain't no turtles where Daddy's goin'.

Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry

loading their silly catapult with... What is that, Kif? (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) I believe it's a saber-tooth cat, sir.

I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. (WHOOPING) Look out, world, here I... (GROANS) I'm sorry, Amy, but your body's not up to the task.

Cheers. Cheers. So, tell me about your prospects. You a good gambler? Well, ma'am, I-- What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait a minute. You don't have your own body. No, but I control this arm. Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think I can do better. Wait! Come back, uh, darling. Can't, hon.

Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head. Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. Ah! Looks like someone forgot to feed Max.

You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often though.

Mark jones in How Beige Was My jacket.

At ease, darling. Honored guests and Kif, one of a captain's many superpowers is the ability to conduct marriage. So I will now join myself in holy macaroni. Kif, raise the ceremonial mirror.

I remember, I remember! This is what traumatized me. Such a meal to go to waste! And with that... I have closure.

MAN: Bendee-Bendee-Boo, what's wrong with you? You're such a lousy mascot No one understands a single word you say not even the jerk in the ascot Rite my riny retal rass!

(LAUGHS LOUDLY) What's so funny? Nothing. Wait a minute. Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again? What? Me, Bender the robot? There's metal flakes on it. And they look like ass flakes.

We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster And we're very, very sorry Why, you selfish little bastards Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed jerk Ow! Then shut your yaps and back to work

we will begin with closing statements. Your Honor, the state's case contains not one Kentucky kernel of truth, resting as it does on the contention that my client made a series of bad decisions. However, my client made no such decisions!

Kiss me. Easy, easy, you're biting my lip. Sorry. Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait a second, I know what's going on here. I'm the monster.

Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here. What could you possibly have in common with this walkin' soup mix? For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell... but lead a rich inner life.

There ain't no turtles where Daddy's goin'. Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all the robots off and-- What?

I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer. Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah. Now, that's hospital dancing. - Pretty good, eh, Calcy? - Good? I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies!

I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything. What do you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet. Good point.

So, while you're on the probulator, tell me what brings you to the future. Oh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare and I figured that time was cyclical. Nope, straight line.

T. text home? Sorry, boy. 'Cause of the embargo, our planets aren't allowed to communicate. Update Facebook status home? (SIGHS) Look, my scout manual has a section on emergency communication. Maybe we can rig something up. Would you like that, boy? Would you, boy?

A dog collar for me? You shouldn't have! - That's for Seymour. - Oh. Say, why'd you get me a subscription to the Daily Growl? That's not a reputable journal of opinion. That's also for Seymour.

Bender, you got to spring me. I'll never survive in here. I'm too pretty. All right, all right. I'll bust you out. Cheese it!

Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody. My God! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film. It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times. Ordinary human dating.

It's that insane robot, Roberto. Quick, Hermes, the keys. I left them in my other body. Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick them in your pancreas till I find one that opens it. (ROBERTO SCREAMING)

And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt. It's even a crummy hologram. I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. Hank Aaron XXIV. Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron was great. No, I was better than great. I was the home run king. Neat!

I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond!

Avast, mateys! Electronically transfer your space doubloons... afore I send thee to Davy jarg's Locker.

It's been quite a journey. I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution. Mon, you had one hell of a day.

Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!

What was that? A flaming burp. Does it always do that? It's not always a burp. We still have one problem though. This robot will never meet emission standards. Crap Spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot...

Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wow. Leela, my love, will you... (SCREAMS) I'll have what she's having.

Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with--

I don't know. I don't know.

Fry, you got to try the Sterno Nicoise.

That's crazy! A new protest group, Fathers Against Rude Television, says, "Hell, yes!" What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group? Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group. That was uncanny. Fathers Against Rude Television...

Phew! It is ripe in here. Well, so long, jerks. We are now in minute five of our round-the-clock coverage as we await the return of the courageous robot. (YELLING) (GRUNTING)

So, Calculon, do you want to set up this clip from All My Circuits? No, I think it's self-explanatory. No!

The future is disgusting.

I'm never going to get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch? Well, if you don't like that try some Archduke Chocula.

Oh, I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend. No, I'm not.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

(SNIFFLING) (TEAR CLINKS)

Want to go around again? I do.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!

Fifty-three years old? Ohhh! Now I'll need a fake I.D. to rent ultra porn.

Namely, I'm up here, and they are safely down--

It'll take more than deadly, deadly bees to keep us from doing our job.

What would happen if Fry never came to the future?

- Father! The ledge! - Oy! Ohh. The president is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President. No!

Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time.

Leave him alone.

Amy, you won't believe what happened. It was so scary that you wouldn't-- I know, but listen. It gets even scarier. Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened to you? That's what I'm trying to tell you. See--

I'm sorry. She's gone. (SOBBING) Whoo-hoo!

Bender's got the upper hand now.

Does that mean we can eat now? Yes. But first, since I love you all so much I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry. Oh, uh, but I don't want to.

I feel awful, but it was worth it to catch and kill this baby fish. Shmeez, what's with the shmiffling? It's nothing. Just a common cold. DR. ZOIDBERG: What? BENDER: Common, huh? What the hell's "a common cold"? Is it valuable? Could it be taken from you if you were, say, unconscious?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. (KISSING SOUNDS) (FRY GIGGLING) Hey, smelly-pants. Leela! Leela? Amy? Amy!

He knows when you're on the can He'll hunt you down and blast your ass From here to Pakistan Oh You better not breathe, you better not move You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude Santa Claus is gunning you down.

On the whole, Earth's society is worthless. But they do have these things called antique rugs that are great for peeing on. (RUMBLING) (GROANING) (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone. Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to Earth.

(BEEPING) (GRUNTS)

That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs.

My life is empty. Zoidberg No wonder we failed to stop the time skips.

We're going to die!

Okay, let's clone us some dog. Yeah!

I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. They're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Damn right!

Bender, they had a backwards time machine! The other place had a lot of good things, too! Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Why, you! Oh, no, you didn't. (ALL GRUNTING) Stop! Somewhere, sometime, Leela is waiting for me.

Powering up Clone-O-Mat. Placing fossil on the Plat-Clone-O-Form.

Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup?

Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict. (ALL CLAMORING IN CONFUSION) Oh! Wait, why didn't that hurt? (WOMANLY SCREAM) My wingwang's gone! My girls! My antenna! My kajigger!

As I mentioned, I was present that night to ensure that Fry fell into the tube. I was standing here. (RUMBLING) The world outside the dream is cracking apart. Like a delicious frozen Charleston Chew! Don't panic. The dream isn't over yet.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Well, I may not have a man,

What the hell's been going on around here? Ah! Fry! You've been working so hard, we haven't seen you in days. Wait, what? No, I was stuck on... Ow! Stuck on another delivery that he undertook on his own.

I have these three costumes you could use. But I guess I'll just throw one away. We'd love to have you on the team, Bender, but aren't you more on the supply side of crime?

That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for a... Wait!

What to do, what to do? One 300-dollar hookerbot, or 300 one-dollar hookerbots? I'm gonna swim with a whale! They're the gentle giants of the deep. I'm well aware of that. Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts. This one's lost its pizzazz. A fortune, it is.

Any old, useless matter will do.

Listen, pal I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 2012 but I've still got something you'll never have--

I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are.

If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad.

Hey, hey, hey. (ALL WHOOPING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) I trust the orgy pit has been scraped and buttered? You know it. And there's mini quiches, too.

And then they burst out laughing a second time. (LAUGHING)

Do you think Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again? I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.

Cover that fireplace, confound you! I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead. We're pushing as hard as we can. Oh, pushing! Aah! Oh! Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed.

BENDER: Shoot! Someone said shoot.

I'm sorry, Fry but I have to install your career chip. Yeah, well if you're sorry then why are you doing it? It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I like your attitude. Let's party. But first, fold these two sweaters. BOTH: I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "Folder"? (BOTH CHUCKLING) Damn, you're cute. (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone. Moron!

(BOTH MOANING) Oh, Bender, this is all happening too slowly. Let's get married. Quiet, I'm making out with a floozy. (BOTH MOANING) Hold your clapper. Someone's coming. (GRUNTS)

Ooh, ooh, I want to axe it a question.

You call that an ink defense? (EXCLAIMS)

Step your big boot down on the gas pedal.

Let me just give old Zoidie a sedative. Ah... much better.

Good news, anyone! The Swedish robot from Pi-Kea is here... with the supercollider I ordered. Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.

Yea! Hey, what the-- Whoa! Get away! Come on. I just got all the gum off of there.

We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened. Oh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering degree. This is stupid. I'm taking this thing out to the real Moon.

The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma.

My God, he's become evil. I mean, eviller. Thank you. Thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken-word album. just $18.95. Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine. Bite my shiny metal ass.

Hambone, hambone! Hambone Okay, hambone break's over. Back to the bedroom! (MOTOR WHIRRING) Hambone, hambone! Hambone

there's no possible way of knowing. There. Give it a try. Okay, I will. By shooting you, you bastard! Bender! No, please! (STRAINING) Wait. Hang on a sec.

In a moment, the award for Outstanding Sext Message. But first, the nominees for Best New Kids' Show are... Yo Gimme Gimme, The Adventures of Pit-bull and Scaredy Squirrel, Dora the Destroyer, and Rumbledy-Hump.

until we suffer a fate worse than death--

What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown!

Action Delivery Force, assemble! Ha-ya! Ya! Hoo-oo! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. (CHANTING) (SCREAMS) And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot!

We now commend Fry's body to the ages. He's walking on sunshine now.

(GASPS) Hold on, man! It ain't like that!

Mmm-- Mmm-- Uh-- Uh-- Now, this is why I prefer your nonstick robots. Oh.

The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air. Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air. Then, he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear? Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story.

I've got some musing to do. Oh, geez. I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81. You mean Brannigan's Law?

I'll never have another moment of happiness.

Unit 47! My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took it out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed!

All citizens are advised to wash their hands thoroughly after beating up Philip J. Fry. Phew! Lucky I'm safely locked up here with you guys. There he is! Get him! Ow! Ow! Wait! The situation is expected to deteriorate as newscasters whip the city into a panic.

You're watching Futurama,

I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty. (GRUNTS) Oh, God! I clicked without reading! And I slightly modified a thing that I own! We're monsters! (BOTH SOBBING)

Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two-thirds of a person. What if I just help the two of you find a bigger apartment? I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories in my old place. And now they're gone.

I'm not sure. I lost track around the second robot.

- I don't understand. - Yes, you do. You came back in time to knock me into that freezer. And now, I came back in time to stop you. I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability. But I know you in the future. I-i cleaned your poop. Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers. You will meet me when I'm a thousand years older.

MAN: Just the two of us We can make it if we try Just the two of us Uh... What about...

They're so cold! And yet hell is so hot!

(GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it. (GASPS) He really is gone! Everyone, put on your taking-off caps. Our what? It's a sign of respect, you savage!

(LAUGHING) I'll show those G.I. Zapps once and for all when I fire this surface-to-air m... NIXON: Warning shot. Excellent plan, Profestro. That'll blow them straight to he... NIXON: Church.

Now, listen up. I got a little boy at home, and he's dying. Dying to see me kill these two. (ALL HOOTING) Oh, your son's going to die, all right... But from neglect. 'Cause you're going home in an urn. A funerary urn.

Huh? Hey! Quit it! Hi-yah! Foiled. And after years of planning. You're out of the gang.

What's the matter compressor? Nothing's the matter, Fry, now that I've turbocharged the matter compressor. (SIGHS) Instead of making the ship faster, how about installing some seat belts? Seat belts are dead weight. I feel the need for speed! Yes, but I feel the nafety for safety.

I said... (IMITATING EROTIC MUSIC)

It's my first time. I'm really nervous. Robot House!

Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel. And we're on it now! I get it! (ZAPP YODELING)

Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog... and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty.

Uh! I can't believe how fat I look!

I can't stop eating this delicious ooze but I'm not going to let you die.

No, listen. I freaking love you. And I don't throw that word around.

Look, everyone loves killing people but I don't want to hurt my friends. Humph! Ooh! Oh, no! It's midnight! Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good.

Unless you can heat water to 212°, I'm not interested.

Oh, thanks, Bender. Hey, too tight, too tight!

You are cold and deceased Are you still half insane P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets But the years went by and Pharaoh died Susie went and joined him in the afterlife--

Flexo? What are you doing in a hazardous-waste bin? Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile... Who were you talking to? No one. Your mama. Shut up. Take your pick.

Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer space potato man.

Now I'm all you got!

Ah. Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers. Oh, those were the days. Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.

This is the end. (SNIFFLES) Good-bye, my love. (GROANS)

Cheer up, friend. When we get home, a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new. I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.

Nor is Captain Branigan. Oh, thank you, merciful God.

I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Don't you have a self-destruct button? Yeah... but it's on my body.

Thanks, Nixon. How we doing? WOMAN: I love you, Your Majesty! Shut up, Madame Ambassador! I know it! Anyhow, (CLEARING THROAT) I'd now like to digress from my prepared remarks to say I'm done! (ALL CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, this robot is an impostor!

Nope. In fact, all life is extinct. So let's keep going forward. It's no use. Earth is dead. This is the end of all things.

Here's to another lousy millennium.

All right, Amy, you win! The mob did it. I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter. (SOBBING) I'm scared and great at sex. Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.

We'll have to shoot it again. No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. But this guy Was-- Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer. Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah.

Yes, i'm-i'm sure they will. Yes.

Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth. Let's go already. Fry, we have a crate to deliver.

Just for that, I'm gonna slip you into the 57th verse. You can be my best friend who abandons me when I need you. Now, that's a verse we can all enjoy. Well, Rodriguez ran to his best friend Said, "Help me or I'll surely be killed"

We now commend Fry's body to the ages.

Cool! A Star Trek convention! Uh-- Uh, Melllvar? Can you give us some idea... how long this is going to last? Until time stops. What? You can't do this! Now, we have a full schedule of events. Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave? Good question. No. You have to stay even longer!

I'll take a-three-men. Holla!

I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much. He doesn't care about the apartment. He cares about you, and you turned your back on him. Oh, man, I had no idea. If only I knew where he was, I'd go talk to him.

I am lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

Futurama is brought to you by...

Sure, baby, I know it.

Whoa. A real-live robot. Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

FRY: Say good-bye to your forehead, because I'm going to shoot you in it! Not if I leap in front of your death ray, and I am going to do that. Jumping sound! Ow! I didn't shoot yet. As usual, your delivery arrived too soon.

Now, now, we can't have this, can we? Here, I'll show you how it works. Really? This is the on-off switch. Which way's on and which way's off? Due to the quantum nature of the device, there's no possible way of knowing.

even ghost and horse, but not robot and human! (ALL BOOING)

Bender? Uh, Bender, you didn't touch the Crushinator, did you? Of course not. A lady that fine you got to romance first.

You're blackmailing me? Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool.

Whoo! Zapp Brannigan you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain and dismissed from the DOOP.

Yeah, well, I'm going to go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park.

Hey, let me try it. Whoa, that gives me a headache.

spreading chronitons throughout our systems! We're getting younger by the minute! What? I'm gonna revert... through all my larval stages? Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger... until we suffer a fate worse than death-- pre-life! Then death.

I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the-- Hey, what's the dillio? Your upgrade is complete. But I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups. Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Oof. If that stuff wasn't real,

Happy birthday, Leela!

Hey, what's with all the pots and pans? - You building a wife? - Part of one.

They're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Damn right! The fact is, humans are completely harmless. We're well aware of that.

and implanted with the brain cells of history's greatest detectives. We call him Pickles. On account of it's like he's floating in a jar? Exactly. The Oracle's visions are recorded on these colored balls. Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide. What's pink polka-dots? Clown slaughter.

In a few seconds, the brains will finish scanning... the last bits of information in the universe. Beavers mate for life. Eleven greater than four. For quality carpets, visit Kaplan's Carpet Warehouse!

Road trip! (SNORING) Kill all penguins...

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer. Hello? Hello? I'll take eight.

Shh. Be very quiet. We're in the ear. Okay, Professor. What? What about what?

I'm disappointed in you too, Angleene. Bender, it's-it's not what you think. Oh, God, then it's worse than I think! Now look, there is no reason to be upset. Flexo and I are divorced. Div-- Huh? We're just havin' dinner 'cause we wanna stay friends. Ah, I knew that.

I love you. Washbucket has always loved you. This is wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment. In another city, we could be anyone we want!

I don't get this. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball? Baseball? God forbid. Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring as Mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. Boring? Baseball wasn't... Hmm, so they finally jazzed it up.

We're all having some good, clean fun here. Squeaky, squishy clean. But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who or what we want!

There's no such thing as whatever you're saying. Ow, ow, ow! Whoa, maybe you're right. I only meant to slap you twice. All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. Who you gonna call? Gho... The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.

Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me. Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I...

Your Honor, I move for a mistrial on grounds of double jeopardy! Cubert Farnsworth cannot be tried twice for the same crime. (ALL GASP) (SQUAWKS) Cubert is the Professor's clone, ergo, they are legally the same person.

Everyone we invited is here. Also Zoidberg. So let's open the gifts.

Ahh. I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Harpoon, my ass. Okay. Let's see now. Which bait to use...

Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor! Yo, it is on!

Ooh! Baby soft. Indeed. Dr. Zoidberg! Hermes, my friend. Let me cut off your umbilical cord. (SNAPPING) Oops. FRY: And the rest! Hooray! We're back in business.

Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo!

(ZAPPING) You stink, loser. Yeah, yeah.

That's not El Chupanibre. Say what? That's El Chupanibre.

I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine.

What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please, just concentrate on staying alive.

Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist.

Sometimes fate has other plans. (BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh! Nuts. You shot me! You miserable dingus! And now the part I didn't show you.

One bowl of mild farina.

Okay, get ready. Keep watching. Let me fast forward a little. (FAST FORWARDING)

You sure you don't want to kill all humans?

So I ask you who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who?! Me.

Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Oh, kill me now, people. How we doin' here? Oh, Elzar. Everything's so good. What are you, an ass-kissing machine? Yes, sir-- good one, sir. Oh, it's a gem of an evening. I feel so wonderful having someone to take over my life's work,

That's a tender area.

We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.

The doctor says you are making great strides with your exploding problem. Well, the way I see it-- You gotta get me outta here. I would have starved to death... if not for that sick vending machine robot.

All right, all right, I'll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you.

When she saw that ramblin' man He was tall and dark and shiny And a native Mexican That sleazy rambler sounds an awful lot like you, Bender.

And when I woke up, it was on me! You're under a lot of guilt stress, Leela. Here, work it out. I am not under stress, damn it! Everything's going to be all right, Leela. What? I said, everything's going to be all right. Uh-- Uh, maybe I am freakin' out a little.

Iron Cook, eh? I can't lose. I'm 30% iron.

It's just not the same here without Bender to keep me company. Hey, I'm here. That's gotta count for something.

Death by snu-snu! Although the Snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good. Baby, it'll blow your mind.

Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil? In a second. I'm eavesdropping. Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough. I said not now! Sure, I know a guy.

You're nothing but a big blowhard.

How far away do you think it is? A trillion miles?

(GASPING AND CHOKING)

Look. The first fish to crawl up on land. It was coming right at us! You saw it. I'm gonna grab another beer. Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs! It's okay. They're not going anywhere. Where'd they go?

My God! Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man! It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

(PROPELLERS WHIRRING) Brother Fry, thou hast visitors. Hi, Fry. Hello. Hey, how have you been?

Ow! I need a calculator. You are a calculator. I mean, a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper-- I'm gettin' a hundred bucks a kid, and they're costin' me 110! Ugh. There goes my new kitchen cabinets.

Futurama. Noun.

But I am already in my pajamas.

We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.

Uh, in theory, perhaps but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous. Aw, crap.

You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.

He's gyroscopically stable.

Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

Release the giant sloth!

Is there Mrs. Queequeg?

Resume the opera! But I can't play anymore! Yes, you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands.

Thanks, moderate spender. Please select erotic transaction. Yeah. How about a lap dance for my pal here? Ooh, yeah. Chuck-a-Chong. Uh, no, no, that's all right, really. I-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude. Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote.

You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. Get lost, Pavarotti. Nooo Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn,

Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if this second garbage ball returns to Earth like the first one did? Well, who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years. Exactly. It's none of our concern. That's the 20th- century spirit.

and this. You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher. Ow! I think you misunderstood the concept of Bendering time.

What? We're goin' back to civilization... to wage war on technology! What?

Hey, I think I know who the next pharaoh is. Oh, Lord. We hear your voice, oh great Pharaoh.

I failed at my lifelong dream again. How can I be so bad at everything I try, and still be so great? Bender, you have a lovely baritone, and you sure can strum that plastic guitar. But you can't write a real folk song about experiences you haven't had.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. (KISSING SOUNDS) (FRY GIGGLING) Hey, smelly-pants. Leela! Leela?

The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward. BENDER: Ooh! Ooh! And then Calculon said, "No, no. No!" And then I ate some excellent meatballs. Can I have my 50 bucks now? I enjoyed your story, especially the tasteful love scene,

Haven't they suffered enough?

Everyone's fired, and we're out of business. Oh, no! I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

All right, here's the battle plan. We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard somebody does some clamping then we heist the cigars and go home. And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that.

Let's go already Here's to Amy, single, lonely and fabulous.

By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone, leaving behind nothing but a history of failure and my original hip bones. You see, I've been lying about my age. I'm not actually 150. I'm 160. Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth.

The important thing is-- We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand. Ow!

BOTH: Frender, Frender, Frender Frender, Frender, Frender...

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Your aft-plate. Its fiery gleam saved a ship full of South Beach swabbies. Well, I do polish it every day, and I sleep in a chamois diaper. It's 100 times more reflective than the mirror in my beacon. Might I keep it for the lighthouse? What? No!

Let's go already!

Would you do it for a Bender snack? Aha! Gotcha! Let me go! I don't even want the stupid beer! Yes!

What's that? What do you mean, what's that? It's 5:00 time for the daily human hunt. Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look. Aw, that was uncalled for.

And our summer intern, Deep Blue the world's foremost chess-playing computer. Bishop to knight four. Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that.

Now I'm comin' for to shoot him down Lord, Lord Comin' for to shoot him down Guess I'll go back to the railroad camp now. That's weird, he sounded a lot like Bender's folk song. Not a lot like Bender's folk song,

Calculon! But I thought you were-- Egyptian?

Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault. I am so great. Bender is great

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Oh... I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. They're my friends.

We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks.

Hey, guys! This is my daughter, Leela. Hey. How you doing? (SCREAMING) Well, they're with the chuds now.

You won a Tony. (SCOFFS) Wow. You gave up your super-intelligence to save us. Why did you come back? Honestly, I couldn't think of one good reason, but some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk.

Why did we have to come here at night? Look at all these famous lost ships.

I am a being of pure solar energy. My race inhabits the nuclear inferno of the sun's photosphere. You're a chatty little fire, aren't ya? A billion years ago, I attempted to overthrow the democratically elected alderman from my district.

I never cared enough to perform it. Until now. This is going to be the greatest career resurrection since Jesus, Aloha from Hawaii.

We stole it! Oh, crumb! What? What's going on? I'll tell you what! Our boys have taken up stealing-- one of the worst and coolest of crimes! And all from watching you on TV, ya cool jerk!

Dean Epsilon, I know all about your "Department of Pool Boy Studies." And Dr. WOrnstrum...

I won't be gone long, Seymour. just wait here till I come back.

Uh, Leela? Stop bothering me, Fry. I need full concentration.

Now, that's a name I can trust. Run down to the Central Battle Computer and enter these codes. Chop-chop. Ooh. Ooh. Um, sir, there's something about that ensign that's-- You're damn right there is. That strapping young lad's gunning for your job, and he just might get it.

Mine is called a droid-el and it's rigged to make you pay

Wow! Those fireflies are going nuts. Come here. I've always wanted to make love by bug-light. Shmoly crap! We've got to get Fry and Leela out of this habitat before they humiliate themselves. Please, Amy, the act of love is a beautiful and natural... Oh, my God, cover your eyes!

Bender, honey, we love you. Sure, baby, I know it.

She's more than just a piece of software. Would you like to take a moment to register me? Uh, not right now. I'll remind you later, you hot stud you. So, uh, what do you feel like doing? - Would you like to take a moment to register me? - I said later.

Dance, slave, dance.

He's the evil Bender.

He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart... is God. Oh, how convenient. A theory about God... that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!

ALL: Oh! Popsicles. Fill your gaping mouth with a Popsicle. Leela, you're alive. Is that how you and your friends are dressing now? Hello, everyone.

It's tungsten, and plenty of it.

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging killbots. Wow. A grim day for robotkind. But we can always build more killbots.

He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're on the can He'll hunt you down and blast your ass From here to Pakistan Oh You better not breathe, you better not move You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude

from. Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.

Blecch! Ick! Oh. How about this one?

Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I... Fry! Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks. Her caviar is on your neck!

There ain't no turtles where Daddy's goin'.

(PANTING) Professor, help. The hero of my folk song tried to run me down, and Fry refused to save me. That doesn't sound like me. Fry? But you just... I'll figure it out later. But first, I'll kill you! Bender, stop. We've been trying to warn you all night.

like poor little Shelly here. What could you possibly have in common with this walkin' soup mix?

Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross. Fry. Aw, you guys came to watch me make out.

Yes! Right in the Ike!

Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're trapped in this time period. Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Crazy sucker. Phil, you're hype! That was ice-cold, bro. Fry, if I ever see you try anything that crazy again, this crew might just have some new parachute pants!

Two fuzzy navels comin' up. I hope they can make change for a fortune. Yo, get an eyeload of that filthy scab with the beard... Flashin' his filthy scab money. It's an insult to you, boss. Yeah. That cash oughta be slushin' my fund and kicks-in' my back. I'm greasin' up my whoozits.

We're robots, and we're in love. Let's ditch these meat jackets. Whoa! Cool! (IMITATING TERMINATOR) Hasta la vista, wiener. (IMITATING TERMINATOR) We'll be back, for our stuff.

My liege, you're just in time.

and as a precaution, I made you incapable of picking up the free will unit. You precognizant bastard. I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you. (STRAINING) Why can't I shoot you? (LAUGHING) Poor deterministic Bender.

That's sweet, Hermes.

No, no, listen. It's time to get on with your life. (SNIFFLES) But she was my life. BENDER: Aw! What? Hey, what about your lifelong dream? Didn't you always want to surf the world's greatest sewers? Yeah, and Fry and Bender can go with you.

Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Behold once more the mighty Clone-O-Mat,

He would never burn something down to get attention. For insurance money? Yes. Revenge? You bet. To give an autumn night that crisp chestnutty smell? Absolutely. But not for fame, women or thrills. Hey, guys, it's me, Bender. The famous, sexy, thrilling hero.

The name of the game is Candyland.

Next, assume my social obligations. Dr. Zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to your robot.

You dumb bastards! You see, the plan is about to enter phase two.

Look, Kif, I probably am the mother-- although maybe I'm not. Of course, I hope I am, but just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test. A test! I demand a test!

God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish. You know full well I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.

I'm inside the dummy to rescue you! Well, that answers that. Wait... Amy? (GROANING) LEELA: Bender, be careful! Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) FRY: I guess we should have waited in the ship.

How do you plead? Not inno-guilty-cent. BENDER: And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon," and then Calculon said, "No!" I think we've heard enough. Wait, I'm not finished. "O!" Now I'm finished.

(COUGHING) Bender, do you mind? I'm roosting.

Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed... Computation complete. Not guilty! (ALL CHEERING) You did it, Bender! You got away with things!

We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof! (ALL CHEER) HERMES: We're saved! I've been thinking a lot about moving on with my life, and hearing the words "Nibbler on the Roof" has given me the kick in the pants I needed.

I'll be in my day-off trailer. (BENDER SCREAMS AND BURBLES) And I took this one inside the ichthyosaur's stomach. (LAUGHS) Man, I've never had anyone try so hard to digest me.

Oh, I don't believe my broken eyes! It's Bender, the washboard player! Hey, man, we caught your concert from here. You rock! Oh-- Oh, Bender, sign my chest! It's in that bin behind me. Yo, brother! Thanks for showin' that broken robots are still useful.

CALCULON: Oh. Hello, Dave.

Nah, don't ruin it. I'm loving the hypocrisy. It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever. You know I hate lying. But those orphans were so proud of me, I couldn't bear to let them down. (SCOFFS) At least Reverend Pickens had the dignity to jump out the whorehouse window with his pants around his ankles.

Oh, no. You're going to die, all right, but it won't be suicide. It'll be murder. (BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) BENDER: Missed me! (GROANS)

Shut up, baby, you love it.

Those bastards! Being brains, they feel compelled to know everything.

I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me.

Hurry! We still have to rescue Fry and Leela! Even if my stupid marmoset pajamas offend Leela's big fat eye. After they said I had an obnoxious ego? Me, the magnificent Bender? (GASPS) Back!

Huh? (GASPS) "S.O.S."? Those are the letters that Fry knows! He's alive!

No, you have a healthy glow. Oh, my God! I just felt it ferment! Ooh! Let me feel! Have you thought about what to name it? I was thinking "BendËrbrau" if it's an ale, "BOtweiser" if it's a lager. I hope it's a lager, so I can take it to a ball game. Whoo! I felt that one!

Ick! Oh. How about this one?

(ALL SHUDDERING)

You'll never pardon anybody because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time. Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me.

Now, get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona-- The Gender Bender. I'm a real toughie. Squaring off this Sunday, versus... Destructor.

(GROANS) (VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYING) ...and those are today's high scores. Linda?

my lovely robot, Bender,

Excuse me. I believe I'm the doctor. Believe it all you want. That won't make it true. This isn't a war. It's a murder. This isn't a war. It's a murder.

Whoa! I definitely want to hear about that, but first, I need your help. The Professor and Cubert are in trouble, and Leela left me. I'm in misery! I've grown far beyond the petty concerns of your world. Every time I burp, a new galaxy is born. (BURPS)

Is there anything religion can do to help me find my friend? Well, we could join together in prayer. Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we can do? No.

Mail call! Amy, here's your designer lingerie catalog Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade And, Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet. You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever. And for Bender-- uh-oh-- a black-bordered envelope.

I didn't mean it about the cape. Capes are cool!

I'm Bender! (SOBBING) There, there, man. It's gonna be okay. You are Bender, which is something Inspector 5 will never be. You know what? You're right. He was just a stupid bureaucrat. A stupid, paper-pushing bureaucrat.

Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Shut up and get to the point!

Flexo? What's goin' on? Did, um-- Oh! Flexo!

It's a forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. First I'll say, "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it." And they'll say, "Who, Bender, who?" And I'll say... "It was lovable old Bender."

Single female lawyer Havin' lots of sex Huh?

Say what? My fellow Earthicans, I am honored and humbled to gloat before you tonight as your next president. Wow, it really doesn't matter who you vote for. At least we tried to make a difference by supporting Senator... Senator... What was his name again?

FARNSWORTH: The year one billion. I've got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for! Nope. In fact, all life is extinct. So let's keep going forward.

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Wouldn't it take millions of years to evolve into mermaids? Normally, yes. But the caffeine really sped things up. That stuff's wonderful.

I'm Heather, your personal youthasizer. Let's get started with a nice botulism treatment, shall we? Go to hell, Heather! Oh.

Good point. Not interested.

What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die! I know, right? I'd murder him good, if only I was still alive. Hmm...

It is the finest available.

Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Uuh! You're the best, babe. Hang on. Call comin' in. What's that?

FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone.

And what better way to celebrate our success... than by me showing Bubblegum the Globetrotter uniform I made myself? Lemme see. Hello, lawsuit.

Okay. I'm happy!

You move like a young, roach-infested Gene Kelly. Oh, my God. It's Randy! Damn right! And I'm organizing a tap-dance contest for the Parks and Rec Department. If you don't enter, I'll just kill myself, okay? Okay. No. Wait. Me? Lil' ol' Bender? In a dance contest?

ALL: Good war, good war, good war...

Alas, that mine only son... should sink into an irreversible, permanent... coma. Permanent? That's completely out of character for Antonio. I'm getting up. Curse the tragic wildebeest accident that--

I'm up to something here.

Yes! Footprints! And handprints?

Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willin' to kill for-- jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's weed whacker. But at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for-- this mindless turtle. Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.

Free corn? Well, that'll suit me just fine. - (SCREAMS) - (CRASHING) The key is knowing precisely where to strike.

We flipped a coin before the debate, and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.

This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also life.

Coilette! You she-devil! You really thought you could steal those diamonds from me and Congo jack? Those gems belong to the natives! Hyah! Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is.

Hmm. All ancient satellites were swept up as space junk in 2113.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

I died doing what I loved.

One month, two weeks, one hour,

Don't ever, ever say or think that again!

No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house.

You stink, loser! Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. Come on! But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve. Like you got squat to celebrate. You're a delivery boy this millennium,

This is hell. (SCOFFS) You wish.

(RINGING) Sex with Zapp!

Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if was wearing a lime green tank top. Bam!

and I am gonna lead you to the top in this industry of-- of-- Package delivery. Package delivery? Oh, God! Fantastic!

Soon enough. That's not soon enough.

after meeting with top voodoo economists, I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers. That's right. I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick fun bill. Knock yourselves out! Whoo-hoo! I'm slightly richer!

Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you just gonna stare vacantly at her and not say anything? I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive-- Philip J. Fry. Did you hear that? She likes me.

Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

Kill them before they bring down our whole society. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Oh... I can't kill them.

Look out, Earth.

Did someone say something about a free hot meal?

Oh, no, my A.T.M. card-- My-My secret PIN number: 1077.

You can't! You're stuck in an infinite loop. An infinite loop? I don't have time for that!

So you started the fire? I'm afraid so. Bender was thousands of miles away. I guess a welding torch is no way to catch a rat. What were you thinking? This is coming out of your pay! Well, I'm back. What'd I miss?

But here's a disturbing reminder: Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.

Viewers of the world, do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cool? Of course they do!

Have a good one!

I said that's enough.

(GROANS) Oh, Delivery-Boy Man! You saved me by random chance! Don't thank random chance. Thank my meteor-wishing power, with your lips. Good ending. Not great.

I did my hair the way you wanted it.

It looks like a pair of clamps. (SQUEAKING)

I gotta get up five times a night to play Xbox.

Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it. For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting, finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! You, boy. What do they call you?

upon the sweetest flower of all the field. Sentimental drivel poop! Come on, Bender. Let's go. This chick flick is getting me all "barfy." Yeah. Emotions are dumb and should be hated.

ROBOT GOD: Walk toward the light, Bender. BENDER: Man, do I have to walk? No! (LAUGHING) Huh?

(SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack. Yep, I was right.

Time to lower my guard even for a minute. (SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack. Yep, I was right.

Grunka lunka dunkity dingredient You should not ask about the secret ingredient. Okay, okay, we get the point.

Bite my shiny... metal...

Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) DIGITAL VOICE: Popular Slut Club. Oh, my God. There's Jake Finkelberg! He's so hot. I wish he wasn't my brother. DIGITAL VOICE: Popular Slut Club.

Whoa! My home! It burned down! How did this happen? That's a very good question. So, that's where I left my cigar. That just raises further questions.

(BENDER RAZZING) That tap-dancing, decadent jazz-baby is too fast for us! Let's see him outrun a V-2!

Commence intercourse!

Bender, enough! Leave me alone! So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend. But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch!

(SCATTING) Oh! I like your nerd glasses.

Good. Good. Good. Good. - Good. - Good. Good.

I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you. (STRAINING) Why can't I shoot you? (LAUGHING) Poor deterministic Bender. I programmed you to be incapable of harming me.

It's real! I love eating vegetables, don't you? They're like crunchy, green water. I don't like them! They're icky-yuckie! Now, now, Garbly, if we don't eat our vegetables, we won't grow big and strong, like Feffernoose. I have to be big and strong to fight off the monsters.

From now on, I'm going to bend what I want when I want, who I want. I am unstoppable! Aah.

Deal. How could I let this happen? I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Don't you have a self-destruct button? Yeah... but it's on my body.

Yes! Oh, thank you, Lord in Heaven. After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death... by snu-snu!

No! Stop the magnet! Swing low sweet chariot comin' For to Carry me home Swing low This is horrible.

I'm done siphoning out the grease trap. I think I need a mint. So, uh, what job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy? Bam! Yeah... bam yourself.

Aaah! Who are you, and why should I care?

We don't want any unnecessary stress. Is there a doctor in the gym? I'm a doctor!

Oh, Greenland is A barren land A land that bears no green where there's ice and Snow and the whalefishies blow Captain, please, have some liquor.

I was so busy bein' an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it! My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis. He's dead!

Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid. I think they look cool. Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that. Hey, did that lad just say rings are cool? Nope. He said they're stupid. Cool!

There was Candy, the raunchy by-the-books navigator, Lifter, the devastatingly handsome forklift, and Captain Lando Tucker, a dedicated young man with no characteristics.

I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.

Thanks for saving me from that creep, Fry. Hey, that's what I do. I guess I was so desperate to find out who I really was I forgot who I really was. No harm done. In the many decades you'll work to repay me for that shipment of popcorn you destroyed you'll have plenty of time to search for your true home.

So? I'm just as important as him. It's just that the kind of importance I have, it doesn't matter if I don't do it. Oh! I'm nobody.

you're too damn bright!

We live to suck another day! Huh? Oh! We are just as good as any of those other crews you sent to their deaths. What's the mission? Collecting honey. Ordinary honey. That doesn't sound so dangerous. This is no ordinary honey!

Oh, Xmas tree, oh, Xmas tree Ba-boo-be-boo, bah-be-boh... Ow! Every Christmas, my mom would get a fresh goose for gooseburgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns. Exactly. You're in L.A. But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other. That's L.A. for you. But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever. He just won't stop with the social commentary.

Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry. We've got to murder that whale, or die trying. This has gone too far. Bender's one of Planet Express's most expensive appliances. And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and...

Hey, want to go skinny dipping by the light of the fireflies? Leela! Somebody might see Wingus and the Ping Pong boys! No, it's just the two of us. Come on!

Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed. (SIGHS) I guess it's for the best. BENDER: Whoo... The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender. Say what? Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be,

Yeah, you should write a song about a heartless robot who leaves his best friend to be murdered. Look, Leela, I'd love to write about my own experiences... The heartless robot is Bender. The best friend is me. How can you people be so blind?

Bender, wake up. Oh... He's okay. Quick, does anyone have any liquor? Bender, what happened?

So what? I hate animals. (MAKING SILLY SOUNDS) (ROBOT DEVIL LAUGHING EVILLY) Run for your life, Fry! Move your ham flaps! He can't hear you, Bender. I'm afraid your friend is about to be fully buckminstered!

I love you so much, Angleene, I want you to be happy, no matter what. But what are you sayin'? I'm sayin' I've got an unbendable girder to bend. You can't bend that girder. It's unbendable! Well, I don't know anything about lifting,

Ah, yeah, that calms the shakes. Hey! Okay, okay, come on now. Stop! The robot's not your enemy. He's just a poor, misunderstood....

Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone.

Uh, I had a nightmare I was in the year 2000 and you guys never existed. I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here. Since when do you care about us? We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. No, that's not true. Good-bye.

There'll never be another like him. Let's hire someone better.

We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.

Oh, WOW, it's totally retro. Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore.

Hey, Bender, you better check your ass. I think it's leaking enchantment. That's not enchantment, it's the herbs! Bender's electric field is activating their bioluminescence. ALL: Whoa! We'll need scientific samples. Everyone, start filling these dime bags.

a time line of my whole life. That's when we saved Earth from a giant asteroid of garbage. And here's when I dropped out and bummed around India for a while. And this is just last year at Space Mardi Gras. It's like some kind of weird Leela museum. And I'm the Leela. Dude, over here.

There's no such thing as two. I know what this is about. My body loved me and I turned its back on it. Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon 'round your neck 'cause I'm a-comin' home.

But I watch your show. You owe me. I owe you nothing. For starters, your antenna's in my crotch. Also, I hate you. And finally, you can't cook for squat. What was the first one again? I hate you. I thought that was number two. I knocked it up a notch.

and the other so-called gods of our legends-- though gods they were... and also, Jane Fonda was there. The others chose to remain behind on their porches with their rifles, and one day evolve into mermaids and sing, and dance, and ring in the new...

Ah, good old Bender.

Bender, did you just round up our dates at the bus station? Of course not. Anybody's else for Nutley? Baby, wait.

Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car? Maybe if you clean up first. It looks like your neck stepped in something. Oh, I'm sorry. That's just your body. Hey, you look me in the shins and say that. Hey, I've had it up to here with this place.

See? Nothin'. Told you, losers! Wait. There on the screen. It's that guy you are! I'm sleepwalkin'.

and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather. I did do the nasty in the past-y. Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe. So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Always dying her hair instead of not looking in a box. I didn't dye my hair. This is how I always look.

Fry? You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe!

Yoo-hoo! Boys! What's this era in human history like? The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead.

No way. This secret goes to my grave. The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward. BENDER: Ooh! Ooh! And then Calculon said, "No, no. No!" And then I ate some excellent meatballs. Can I have my 50 bucks now?

I still remember the combination. Three. It's stuck. The Achilles' heel of the Ronco design is its structural resonance frequency.

Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived. Xmas!

When I pull the switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner. But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane! It is for the witnesses because it's not boring.

That sword cost 5,000 dollar!

Alcazar? Are you real or am I seeing single? Ow. Of course, I'm real. After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a B.B. gun. It's all right, Leela. You'll never be alone again.

We're done putting on the bra. Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date? What business is it of yours? You're using an awful lot of makeup there. This is deodorant. What does it do? Come on in, Gary.

I can't believe this. Bender's supposed to murder his closest friend which I thought was me, but he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me. Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot. Stop rubbing it in.

Wait. What would the robot do?

Is Munda here? Mommy's not home, big boy. We both know you're just using her to get to me. So let's do it right here by the front door at 7:59. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Leela, does your mother know you're using her pole?

Hello? Anybody home?

Hello? Anybody? Fry? (EXCLAIMS) Bender? Are you in here? In here is the only place I'm not! (LAUGHING EVILLY) I amuse myself.

Then I've risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter have it sent to my P.O. box.

The alien mother ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bull's-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Bender, what's wrong? I'm sick. You poor baby. Let me check if you have a fever. Ow! According to Bender's temperature gauge which I suggest you use next time, Leela he's running a fever of...

Oh, I've failed again. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. The owner of the company pressured me to create a bigger, sportier robot. Stop! Ow! Oh!

Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me. I do my best, damn it! Leela. The good Leela. I want you to snoop around the other universe... and find out how evil they are. Here. I tell you, they're not evil. But don't be confused; they are jerks.

Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam! Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome! It's not ironic. It's just coincidental. Now, fork over those lady fingers, cookie! You know, I only put my name on there... as a show of good faith for the other robots.

Was Planet Express built on an Indian graveyard? No. No? No. Then... Then... it was you.

Hooray. I'm trapped in a tiny fun room with friends.

(SCREAMING) (ALL GASPING)

It worked! You're one sexy man-- Philip J. Fry. It worked perfectly!

Now, stand back. I gotta practice my stabbin'. Ha-haa! Ha-ha-ha. Ha-haa! No! Please! Help! Stop it! Police! Hey, keep it down in there! I'm tunin' my banjo! Geez, Red. Quit cowerin'. You call yourself a robot?

Hello! Pizza delivery for, uh, "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud.

You know, I'm also an ultimate robot lover.

But what if he wants to-- I mean, if he tries to, uh-- Barry White?

Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back. What? Really? No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.

Whoa. A real live spaceship. I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used.

Forget about Fry. You could hire us back and he'd never have to know. Hey, guys. Oh, uh, hey, Fry. So, as Leela was saying Fry can go shove-- Ow! I'm glad you're all here. I wanted to introduce you to my on-again, off-again girlfriend of the past thousand years Michelle.

Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second? Oh, well, let's go home, you dumb poop machine.

I didn't want you to hurt me either.

Together, just like pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle What's the hustle?

Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him.

Uh-oh. Let Claw Plock begin!

ANNOUNCER: Futurama presents... (READING) Brought to you by Mutual of Omicron. Insuring your world, and its destruction. Tonight's planet, a primitive backwater known only as... (READING)

No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor. He-- Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody help me! Mommy!

It's an extremely dangerous mission that killed my last crew, and you're not nearly as good as them. Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day!

Clobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege, you're just in time.

All right, here's the battle plan. We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard somebody does some clamping then we heist the cigars and go home. And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that. Oh, we'll kill them, all right. We got them heavily out-clamped. They won't know what clamped them!

Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

so if one of you breaks it, you're paying for it! Fry did it!

Noticeably F.A.T., drop us a beat. Name? Cosmic F. Style? Outer space. Special moves? The moonwalk. The robot. The Zero "G."

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork.

Good night, Calculon.

Well, yes, actually. (GASPS) That's it. I'm killing myself. Oh, lord. Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do. Yeah. Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months. How is Lynn, by the way?

Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well, then. Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mobutu. Was his apartment rent controlled?

All right, Alcazar. I just have one last question for you. What's that? If you could change form why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?

What? Ah, I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero-- me, Bender. My God! They must have taken it last night. Which last night? In the woods! I was walking.

Dude, over here.

1947 can kiss my shiny metal-- Turn around! We've gotta go back for Bender!

I didn't mean it about the cape. Capes are cool!

- Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? - Granted. We can't take off without our captain.

Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg. Thank you. These will come in handy for my new hair. Finally, I look as pretty as I feel. Help! Oh, let us in! Help us!

There! This will teach those filthy bastards who's lovable. Now, all I have to do is spell check it and it's ready for my admiring public. No! Get away from there.

I had dreams, too! I was going to surf the world's sewers, but I happily gave it up for you. Happily! I just want a little more out of life. But no, you don't want to go into space because you're too afraid. You bet I'm afraid. You want to go? Go! Get your head knocked off by a meteorite.

Stomach contents: one deviled egg. Deviled egg? The same deviled egg.

I can't believe your show was banned.

I love you." Hey, you wrote it! It's not working! He's drawing strength from our weapons! Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usual place.

Awesome. You got to love a dude that brings the munchie.

Your Honor, we have reached a verdict. We find the defendant... guilty.

And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

What am I going to do? Uh, I can't stand to see a robot cry. Let's watch TV. And so, ladies and gentlemen I'm throwing my head into the ring. I'm announcing my candidacy for the presidency of Earth.

Still, they called the tooth fairy a legend, and now he's head of the F.B.I.!

Take your hands off me. You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else. What if I refuse? Then you'll be fired. Fine. Out of a cannon into the sun. But I don't like being a delivery boy. Well, that's tough. Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct. The best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37. And as for you. Guards. Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away.

Bender's one of Planet Express's most expensive appliances. And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close.

Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life.

Do not compute!

All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I'm gonna die! I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender!

The doctor is in. The doctor is out.

Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here-- the Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can, but to really do things right you got to strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you always want to use cast iron cookware.

(WHIRRING) (BELL DINGS) Like, it's basketball superstar Larry Bird! Larry Bird, what are you doing here? (TAPE RECORDER CLICKS) Hi. This is Larry Bird calling. Listen, my agent sent me that cartoon script, and I've decided I don't want to be involved in any way.

Curse you, merciful Poseidon!

Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cool using the Coolometer. Oh, yeah!

And during this period of head-crater interaction what were you doing? Martini drinking contest with the autopilot. I would have had him this time, but we ran out of olives. I can explain. You really think you can explain how you left port without a full complement of olives? I think not. What is this, high school?

Sounds like fun on a bun! Shut up! I said it first!

Before I kill you, I must ask you one question. Who am I? For I have... amnesia! Let me get this straight. Does anyone here not have amnesia? - Hmm. - Ooh. I'm not sure. I don't know. This show is awesome!

Oh, also, I wrecked the car. This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin. My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.

Hold it, Santa. Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty. But many of those you destroy are, in fact, nice. I submit to you that you are naughty... and that, logically, you must destroy yourself.

How deliciously absurd.

Shh! Shut your gills! That sound. It's patrol car 718! Hide him! The court is intrigued.

by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh! What are you, gay? Death to the men! Death by snu-snu!

Femputer sentences them to death... by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh! What are you, gay?

Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans.

Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry

Hello? Anybody home?

Mmm... Hey, sexy mama... want to kill all humans?

I'm a spaceship captain; I'm the only one of my species, and I'm interested in meeting a man. A woman? I'm scared. Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the Web that panders to my lust for violence? Is the Space Pope reptilian?

I'm going to get 24th century on his ass.

Prepare to harvest the lower horn.

This is the worst kind of discrimination-- the kind against me. All right, look, our policy is if for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.

(YAWNS) Aren't we going to cuddle? Woman, I'm tired. I'm sorry. It's just I need my sleep. I gotta get up five times a night to play Xbox. I understand. Womanhood also takes some getting used to. For example, did you know there are more than two feelings?

Initiating dog brain CAT scan! Come on, boy. Come back to life. Know ye now what it feels like to be dog god! Commencing D.N.A. extraction!

Conquer Earth, us bastards!

(POWER SURGING) Bender! Stop shutting the hell up! Right. Leela's back, as if I care. (SARCASTICALLY) Whoo! All right, Leela! (ALL CHEERING) (SIGHS)

Beachmaster, stop fighting! He's been dead since yesterday!

Also the blue-footed booby! That's fairly interesting! Note the blue coloration of the...

Here stadium where our women basketball teams play. We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch. Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me! This our comedy club.

Captain Fuzzy Toes reporting for duty. I mean, cutie. (ALL LAUGHING) My best friend died in that uniform. I hate that cat! If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing. I'll tell you one thing, nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive.

Oh, Fry! Gonna sing a little tale about a battle Called Waterloo Bonjour, y'all!

It was all my fault! He died because of me! No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm lying to make her feel better.

God help us! Okay, keep an eye out for Bender. So what did you think of the movie? Uh... too much romance not enough human killing. Yeah, it was a real chick flick.

Except masturbation. That's just wrong.

The hell it was.

(ALL GASP) Hi, Animatronio.

No time for an injection.

Now, remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.

My body's 40% titanium.

Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down. Brain! Brain make people dumb. No, Leela. Brain make people smart. You go fight biggest brain of all.

Here. But no chocolate, it's bedtime.

My pants! My lucky pants! They don't look so lucky to me. They are, too! I was wearing them that time I found a dime in my ear. I was wearing them when I won a subscription to Redbook. And I was wearing them when I first met Leela, so yeah, they're lucky. Aw! Also... Oh, Lord. Plus, they're my only pants.

Life, death-- Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle.

What happened? Did you save us, Leela? Actually, no. For once, it was Bender. Really? Well, thanks for whatever you did, Bender. It was a lot, and you'll never be able to pay me back. Now, gather round, friends, so we can commemorate this moment in a photo.

For this demonstration - I've placed one of Mother's bras on ignor. The robot controller is nestled here in the left cup. Never fear.

I'll miss you! Y'all come back, now, you hear?

you're cute. You're cute.

Shut the hell up! Ow!

Thanks, Fry. It's nice to have the support of viewers like you. I'm the star of the show. Shh. And the Slurmie for Best New Kids' Show goes to Turanga Leela for Rumbledy-Hump. ANNOUNCER: This is Turanga Leela's first nomination and second time in high heels.

I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.

All those times I said, "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper, "Except one." Fry was that one. And I never told him so.

Fry? But you just... I'll figure it out later. But first, I'll kill you! Bender, stop. We've been trying to warn you all night.

No. They're from the Republic of French Stereotypes.

I swear, if I wasn't such a great dad, I'd grab his ugly little neck and... (GRUNTS) (GIGGLES) Hey, he stopped screaming for a second! Bend some other stuff! (LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) Bend! Bend!

Flexo? What's goin' on? Did, um-- Oh! Flexo!

(SCATTING) (BELCHES) (GROANS) Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez. Crew, you're working too hard.

We sure are cheerful this morning. Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast. You know, beneath his warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Oop, low on power.

Would you like cream? Yes, please.

I'm sorry, Father, but somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son. Why, Antonio? Because... I have amnesia!

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAMS)

Let's go already

Wait! In my time, we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering. Impossible. It was called... let me think. It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one. The wheel! Never heard of it. Show us this... the wheel.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) If it's alive, don't lick it Like a horse, a turtle or a cricket I like turtles!

Well, my legs are made of rubber. And anyway, I am just as strong as you are, Mac. Oh, yeah? Prove it.

One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three!

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

I made this bracelet so that in some small way, we'll always be with you. Even when it doesn't seem like it.

All hail the new emperor! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Does not compute. Does not compute.

Instead, she's with her ex-boyfriend and I'm stuck with a pair of skilled mechanical hands. Say, I don't suppose you're free later? Then I have no choice.

Man, you are irredeemably evil. Together, we shall rule the galaxy! Aww, what an adorable, little kajigger. - Now! - (GRUNTS) (BOTH CACKLING)

On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady Four family photos Three jars of pennies Two former husbands And a slipper on a shoe tree Yep! Oh, thank you.

Great food, huh? (BURPS) (ALL GROANING) Ew! I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me. No, it only makes you more attractive. (PEOPLE GASPING) Ew!

Because I don't want you touching that thing. I know that. Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg.

Yes, there is, Bender. Bender was a lot of things to a lot of people, but looking back, the number-one thing I can say about him is this, and simply this-- Bender was my friend. What? That's it? Who are you? You're nobody!

Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.

Well, the doomsday device is ready.

What happened up there, Johnny? Don't make me remember. So horrible it was. (SHRIEKS) I thought you said he didn't have hair. Yes, but something he saw on that mission traumatized him so severely, he grew hair, just so it could turn white.

Fine. Hurry up. ...by shooting the one he rejects. (ALL GASP) Lrrr, I'm getting angry. Don't you go through with this. She is not the boss of you! I am the boss of you! Um... Oh... Leela's going to die!

To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

(ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day. Hey, wait a second. (HEARTBEAT) No!

But you'll never get over this unless you go to your parents now and tell them honestly how you feel. (SNIFFLING) You're right. I will. Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Goodbye!

He's come to finish the job!

Hand me that backup disk. Did you see me escaping? I was all, like--

I don't even know who this guy is. I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Yes, of course you are. Now, we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express. I'm on break.

That's my lab table and this is my work stool and over there is my intergalactic spaceship and here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire. Whoa. A real live spaceship.

he was scratched by a Yeti. (PULSING) Hmm. I consider myself almost completely ignorant of modern medicine, and I've never heard of Yeti-ism. It mimics the symptoms of hyper-malaria exactly except for the part where instead of dying, you turn into a Yeti.

Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me, or was I too quick for it?

Oh, come on, go down already. Ah.

We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. No, that's not true.

Fix it, fix it, fix it!

What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot! Washbucket full. Scruffy's work here is done.

Hello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch: The Movie? Uh-- It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow motion. It hasn't been made yet. Then he doesn't know I won the Oscar? Nope. Crap! Wait. You're Pamela Anderson. Cool. What can I get you?

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Ouch. Ouch. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Oh! Ah! Get off of me. Stop. How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on. Hey, check out the palm tree. It only gets sick when I cook brunch. How's that for a coincidence, Professor,

What's so funny? Nothing. Wait a minute. Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again? What? Me, Bender the robot? There's metal flakes on it. And they look like ass flakes.

Careful. This is the most valuable thing we've ever delivered. Oh! (EXCLAIMS) Careful. This is the most...

No! Stay out. There's a-- a guy goin' for the Tetris world record in there. Who are you? Don't hurt us. Help me. They've been holding me prisoner for 800 years.

Garfield's owner jon's forehead.

Like Kaboom cereal. And my family.

Exciting news, people!

Psst. Leela, wanna join the mile-deep club? Sure, why not? (GASPS) No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history.

It's a beautiful world Ooh! (LAUGHING) It's a beautiful world It's a beautiful world For you (ALL GASPING) For you For you

Listen, I've got a new job, and, well, I'm going to have to dump you. I'd like that!

Okay, almost got it. Steady... steady... don't panic.

you're cute. You're cute. You. You. You. You. Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot.

Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlor to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room is a big murderer. You see, the killer left one fatal clue-- This boot print on the professor's lab coat.

Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears. Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy... acting talent! I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker!

We'd need some kind of doomsday device to initiate an implosion like that. Doomsday device? Ahh! Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.

I thought you were anti-dirty, not pro-dirty.

Why did the world turn its back on our obvious greatness?

Happy birthday!

I'll come visit sometime, and you can visit me here. No, he can't. Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy. Hey, the TV's back on!

You must be using an archaic pronunciation. Like when you say "ask" instead of "axe." Xmas, huh? You know, this will be my first Xmas away from home. Hey, hey. Let me axe you something.

Well, I'd like to see you try to steal this-- the septuple head spin.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) For Rigel 7 and all mankind!

Come on! We're starving here! But you live in a gingerbread house. It's food or shelter, not both. You lazy runts. Don't you get paid for making the toys? Who said "toys"? Toys? Someone said "toys"? False alarm, folks. There's no reason to make toys, since Santa judges everyone to be naughty.

(GROANS) What's wrong with you? Why are you sabotaging a decent, honest candidate? - 'Cause they won't let me near the Hoover Dam anymore. - Ooh!

That stupid clover is a worthless piece of garbage! Give it, give it, give it! Mom! Help! Yes! Yancy's trying to steal my clover. Yancy, stealing is wrong. I'm gonna pile-drive you! Stop it! Aaah! You're dead meat!

I didn't abandon you! You wandered off! Stop judging me, Fry-bed! (BENDER GRUNTING) Oh... It's just not the same without the muffled screams.

Not a chance. At least I'll always have her bracelet. What do you think it's worth? It's fake, mon.

Kill him! Kill the traitor!

his in-your-face interface. I am Bender.

Sorry, I'm not going to kill Fry. Take me to hell for all eternity, just as long as my little bearded meat bag gets to live. That he will not, for you see, it is your fate to kill him. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Says you. I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life.

I gotta mope things over for a while. Goodbye, sweet meatbags. Sweetbags. Hello? Hello? What's happening? I'm not sure. I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance. Oh, Lord.

You are the bravest dads in the entire trauma center! You guys almost had him until he digested you. Oh. You're good kids. If I could feel anything right now, it would be pride. Owww! Aaah! I was wrong! I can still feel pain!

What do you want? I'm here to kick your ass! Wishful thinking.

My ass! My beautiful--

I'm not made of money. Leave me alone!

Fire! Look out! You almost got neutered. Well, 'taint as bad as gettin' killed. For me it is! I'm getting you out of here. Ow!

Hooray, he's back! And he's looking for a garbage can to put the rock in. Here you go, buddy.

That's 10 times your recommended... Who are you, my warranty? (CHUCKLES) That was a good... (LAUGHING) (POWER SURGING) Huh? For God sakes, Bender, keep dancing!

I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings. And now, to make sure you won't talk... I'm going to have to do something really impulsive.

- (LAUGHS) - Whoo! You're on fire!

As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%. (VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING LOUDLY) Do you mind doing that later? Bite my shiny metal ass.

I was just working my way toward the medulla oblongata, control center of the heart and lungs.

Does anyone have A reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss? Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that? Cut to the chase, Preach. Do you, Alcazar, take this woman...

Whoa! Whoa! Hey, what was the purpose of life anyway? Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit. Sounds about right.

Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel... and his owner, Fluffers. Second prize, this lovely afghan made from an Afghan, goes to Bender and his whooping terrier!

As you all know, Leela's living will states that in the event of coma, her body is to be fed to the wild cyclophage, a highly endangered creature that eats only Cyclopses. Yup, that's what her donor card says.

And now, to present the award for best actor, a bit player... in the flop movie, The Magnificent Three, Dr. Zoidberg! Okay, Boxy. Keep your prong on the trigger.

Oh. This guy. Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry, I am pleased to welcome you to Robot Heaven.

We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened. Oh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering degree.

It's Mom. I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles and I thought maybe I could help out a sweet young man by buying his anchovies. Sorry, but the anchovies aren't for sale. What? Listen, you little bastard I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want?

Though I was only 15, mankind entrusted me with its last remaining suit and tie and sent me back in time. I would be raised by my grandparents, somehow get into Harvard Law School, become a community organizer, a senator, and finally, defeat Richard Nixon.

Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry.

He's walking on sunshine now. This makes me the oldest member of my family.

So, you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? Welcome to academia.

(CACKLING) BENDER: Wait... I know a robot named B.B. Rodriguez! Wait... I am a robot named B.B. Rodriguez. So, I become ruler of Earth? Indeed. Yes! In your face, high school guidance counselor.

Oh, what a foolish squid I've been.

Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that. Maybe he'll die if I rub him all over with it, real slow. (GRUNTING) (WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics!

Only one. We'll have to travel deep inside Fry...

Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry... playing 900 of these classic themes in your own home... on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only 14.99.

Shh. Be very quiet.

For, you see, I designed the operating system for all Momco robots, and as a precaution, I made you incapable of picking up the free will unit. You precognizant bastard. I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you. (STRAINING)

We found it! The honeycomb hideout!

So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend. But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch! Ohh!

Yes! With this built-in stadium air horn I can really annoy people! And all it cost me was my crotch plate. You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender. Now find someone and give 'em a good blast. Yeah! That'll teach the first person I see a lesson.

What is the world comin' to? That Fry's a sicko pervert, I tell ya. Datin' a robot-- it's an "atrocimicy." But Fry's our friend, Bender. Aw, geez! Will ya stifle there, meat bag? You stifle, Bender. Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.

You're welcome. Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn. If that is your Freedom Day wish.

I'm Al Gore, and these are my vice-presidential Action Rangers a group of top nerds whose sole duty is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum. I thought your sole duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate. That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution. Hmm, so I guess you'll want to see my Fry Hole.

Side A: We're a community of outdated robots... who refused to upgrade and came here-- Side B: To live a simpler existence, free of technology. A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago.

In a second. I'm eavesdropping. Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough. I said not now! Sure, I know a guy.

Ooh! I'm gonna wash my linens so hard, the w--

I never thought it would end this way-- Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, I didn't see it coming.

I'm 40% back, baby!

Is a great way to learn if you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke We once found a dead guy face-down in the Slurm It could easily happen again to you folks So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut Grunka lunka lunka dunkity dutt! Hey! I don't pay you to sing.

Funny story. The script called for me to say "yes," but I gave it a little twist. Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not found. Please put your hands together for my next guest, winner of five Olympic medals, Coilette from Robonia!

Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy. That's nice. I was just out walkin' him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters. Come here, boy! Pet, pet, pet. Robo-Puppy receiving petting.

And so, on behalf of the entire city I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the academy prize which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass. Yes! In your face, Wernstrom!

Not Funog! Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl. I'll put on my tutu.

We love Leela! We love Leela! We love Leela! LEELA: No! KIDS: We love Leela! We love Leela! We love Leela!

No refunds! Shut up and bow your heads! O, mighty Isis... Oh, no. My deal is doing the thing. (LIGHTNING CRACKING) Good Lord, it's some kind of inter-dimensional space whale. I just remembered, that's the guy.

Oh, Lord, he's made of wood. What now, Bender? I got a downgrade. I'm a steam-powered wooden robot... just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X! That's just stupid! Does Mister Bender wish me to destroy myself?

You probably just inherited your appearance - from your mother. What? No one insults my mama! (CREW SCREAMING) (ROARING)

Excuse me for a moment. (SHOUTING) No!

You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future.

But... then we wouldn't be roommates. I'll come visit sometime, and you can visit me here. No, he can't. Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy.

NARRATOR: And so the endless circle of life comes to an end, meaningless and grim. Why did they live, and why did they die? No reason.

One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of omicron Persei 8!

Although he did say I'm a better kisser. I am not jealous. Also... Yuck!

As you can see, 1947 is going to be... an eventful year for the town of... Roswell, New Mexico.

How could I have known the gift was in Fry's locker? Easy. He told you about it before he died, and your grief-roasted mind blocked it out. Are you saying... I'm going crazy? No, no. No one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.

I thought they were selfish, yet in the end, it turns out it was I who thought they were selfish. (HUMMING) Hey, ladies, I found some. What the...

All right, Sergeant, $100 worth of Pixy Stix and porno mags with your five percent military discount comes to $95.

Your Honor, the state's case contains not one Kentucky kernel of truth, resting as it does on the contention that my client made a series of bad decisions. However, my client made no such decisions!

My hand is stuck! There must be glue on the saddle!

Oh, geez, get a room. Maybe later. Uh, h-hey! I have an idea. Let's all go out for ice cream. Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee. I don't really like coffee.

Two, if I've been eating broccoli. All existence is just a chess game, and I can see 50 moves ahead. Human emotion no longer concerns me. But Randy said... Randy? Have you been hanging out with Randy? Please, Bender. If everything is a chess game for you, you must know how to help me.

and my cleavage isn't helping. Not helping him.

I know it hurts, buddy, but at least you're not in a sick relationship with a robot anymore. Uh-huh. And I guess now maybe I can get to know the real Lucy Liu. Yeah, at our wedding. It's true. Bender and I are in love. But-- But--

Go it! Fastly! (ENGINE CRANKING) It won't start. The batteries are dead. Oh, I'm about to lose history's greatest life all because of some useless old people. They're not useless. They can cook ham casserole,

You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.

Oh, yeah! Good lord! I'm getting a reading of over 40 mega-fonzies!

There's the atom! Aw, geez. Bender? You stole the atom? Yeah, but I can explain. It's very valuable. I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker. Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender?

No, without a backwards time machine, we're stuck in this craphole.

I am your friend... Bonder. Bonder? Is it really you? Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy ten dollars. Wait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder! It's Bender! You're a fraud! Look, you want false hope or not?

My God! They must have taken it last night. Which last night? In the woods! I was walking.

HERMES: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? I never stop to think about it. Leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. You a big dummy! Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart.

Senator... What was his name again? I don't remember. We never even left this building. What? Nixon always wins! (HOWLING)

Now to dispose of the body. Honk, honk. Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela. So hip and sexy. Not like you at all. Do you have any gum? No.

Rokay. Ri'm a ralcoholic. MAN: Yummy, yummy, yummy

Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You. (SLAP) FRY: Ow! (SLAP) (BENDER GROANS) (SLAPPING) (BOTH GROAN)

Ah, um, um! Gross! Go, man, go! Watch for any subtle irregularity in Fry's bowel.

Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name. What? How do you spell that? What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso! Hermes, quiet. I'm deducing things.

And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops. Perhaps I'll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla that-- Get out of my house, you lying scum pile! I never want to see you again! But, dustcakes... Oh...

Why else would human women refuse to date me? Oh, lots of reasons.

That's from Xmas and Robanukah you plagiarizing lout Yeah, I'm kind of losing interest here I best be rolling out But before I go, the most important thing What's that, black Santa? You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night But they best be made of beeswax

These letters are real butt nutters. Listen to this one. "Dear Santa--"

Ahh. Man, I wish we had a robot to do stuff. I know, right?

You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich. She's probably got other characteristics.

No, listen. I freaking love you. And I don't throw that word around. I know you don't. That's why I love you. Are the pizza muffins ready? (ALL SCREAMING) He's here for revenging, that's why! No! Wait! I'm here to apologize.

Waaah! What the--

Fry laughed and he said, "You deserted me once "Now it's your turn to feel the chill Lord, Lord "Now it's your turn to feel the chill" You've accurately portrayed the nature of my grievance.

Come on, baby, let's do it! Shake your booty, baby. Come on! Yeah! (GRUNTING) This beat bangs Here's my chance Come on, girl, let's go, I can't...

Wait a second. You can't keep me here forever. Sooner or later, a polar bear will happen by. A nice, flammable polar bear. Polar bears don't burn. I've tried many times.

Lrrr must simply choose between myself and Leela... Fine. Hurry up. ...by shooting the one he rejects. (ALL GASP) Lrrr, I'm getting angry. Don't you go through with this. She is not the boss of you! I am the boss of you! Um... Oh...

Too bad the universe made it turn out that way and not some other way. I wonder why it did that. Probably magnets. Shut up, Hawking! Fry, you idiot! You're a genius! Why are the laws of physics what they are, instead of some other laws?

(ALL GASP) No! They did it! They blew it up!

Whoa! My home! It burned down! How did this happen? That's a very good question. So, that's where I left my cigar. That just raises further questions.

We're jerked. Nothing can stop a monster that big. Nothing except an even equally big monster. This is a chance to try out my experimental enlarging ray but we'll need a guinea pig. What's this?

the Offender. I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back. I love you, Bender. Versus, Billionaire-bot!

Oh-ho! Oh. So while they're towing us you want to do it? Yeah. Yo-ho-ho-ho!

or get your ugly face punched to custard by... the New Justice Team! Captain Yesterday! Clobberella! And Super King, the best one of the three!

Bender! Ship! Stop bickering, or I'm gonna come back there and change your opinions manually.

Because he already died!

Killed a duplicate instead of me Lord, Lord Killed a duplicate instead of me (ALL EXCLAIMING) Now, that's what I call a great ending. I made a copy of myself and Big Caboose killed him. But you said making a copy of yourself would be a lousy ending.

Hey, big lobster Take a little bath with me

A man can give her a toke of her own medicine. Yes! I could put my mind into a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body. Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus. The long search is over.

Aw, somebody likes snouts. Is it me?

Sounds like fun on a bun!

Remarkable! But... my dream. Your science can't unprove that. How could I have known the gift was in Fry's locker? Easy. He told you about it before he died, and your grief-roasted mind blocked it out. Are you saying... I'm going crazy? No, no. No one's saying that.

I want you to know I love you. Okay, fine. Fire!

Revision ball. By deciding not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future. I could never shoot you. Never! You taught me how to shave. See? Just get out of here. Go! (LAUGHING) Now, dig the unintended consequences.

Uh, your present may need some assembly.

Oh, my God, is that a Cap'n Crunch casserole?

Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

I guess one more spoonful couldn't hurt. Uh! Oh, my gosh! I better get a sponge! Fry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Well, this is the real me, but I can explain. We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdoes and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and, of course, I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror.

Oh... You want to play fetch. (PANTING) Come on, boy, get the ball. (GROWLING) (LAUGHS) Dumb jerk. Come on, get the ball. (YELLING) (EVERYONE GASPS) Sweet freak of Mozambique, that thing's colossal!

If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you'd cease to exist. But existing is basically all I do!

No one messes with Mom. Quiet, you.

Oh... I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. They're my friends. Humans are no threat to us.

Night, Fry. Huh? Keep your door unlocked tonight. But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!

It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clambake and cook him!

Put down h-bar, carry the infinity, and...

I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck. Bring it on, soup can. All right, break it up, you two. That's it!

Is everybody in position? What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three!

My birthplace. It's closed! There's not even a shrine to me. With a gift shop, selling pinatas of me! End of the line, man. Come on, we can still catch a twi-night double cockfight.

Welcome back. Our next guest... has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently, my wife hasn't been listening. Oh, funny. I will destroy her!

Okay, kids. It's 9:00, and you know what that means. Daddy's sick o' lookin' at ya. So go to bed. Aww! The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma.

But three spoonfuls, and you'll go into a sleep so deep, you'll never wake up. - Never! - Never! Never!

You drank our emperor! No, it wasn't me. You drank our emperor! You assassinated him!

Futurama is brought to you by: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth. One, two! one, two, three!

My God. It's so... repulsive. So, uh, this is where you eat? Eat and sleep. Oh, Fry!

That poor turtle. Bender, are you crying? Uh, no. Never. Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips.

Nope. He's too dumb and I don't care. Well, I'm smart and I care too much.

You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more. And cover your ears and go, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Whoa! What a cheesy effect! I'm not an effect! You doubt my power? I do! Aye!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Shoot him! He's choking me! No, shoot him! He's choking me! I don't know which one to shoot. Flexo! Shoot Flexo.

We are now in minute five of our round-the-clock coverage as we await the return of the courageous robot. (YELLING) (GRUNTING) What the... How'd that get in there? (PANTING) Thank you. Thank you, sir. You're a true hero. I am? Huh!

Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy, 10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us. Harold Zoid! Hit the deck! Where's that Oscar? Here. Enjoy. What are you getting upset?

Holy matrimony.

Let's get down to business. Aren't you going to say, "Good news, everyone"? I just said that for Fry's benefit. Made the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job.

Thanks for saving us, Fry. I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again. Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you've got the heart of a robot. Aw, thanks, Bender. just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human.

I like 'em tight

We're whalers Oh! Ow! Ooh! I died doing what I loved.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah! Bender! It's a miracle! Aah! This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened. Guys! You'll never believe what happened!

I'm ready for the countdown! I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! She said go! (ALL EXCLAIMING) Good work, everyone.

I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings. Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves.

(BEEPS) Shazam, what song is this? (CLEARS THROAT) (MIMICS OMINOUS MUSIC) Your singing is awful. I can't take it anymore.

Remember, when the tube opens, say "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!" Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what people want to hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.

So I says, "Supercollider? I just met her."

No! Funny story. The script called for me to say "yes," but I gave it a little twist.

I've got a lot of great memories in my old place. And now they're gone.

Who am I? For I have... amnesia!

Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays we have a type of game played entirely on video. We call it a video game. A video game, you say? Well, golly gee. You mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.

At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all. Je suis Napoleon! Now, seriously, I'm not. Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just tryin' to get through a difficult time using humor.

I think I know what people want to hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.

I underestimated you. Wait. I can explain. Nah, don't ruin it. I'm loving the hypocrisy. It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever. You know I hate lying. But those orphans were so proud of me,

I was just out walkin' him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters. Come here, boy! Pet, pet, pet. Robo-Puppy receiving petting. Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy? That's so adorable! jealous? Bah! Not when I have the love of Robo-Puppy here.

You talk of important decisions, but as robots, you have no free will. Why pretend anything you do matters? Our decisions do matter. The fact that they're predetermined makes them no less important. Silence! I call for a decision to cast out the intruder. All in favor? Aye. Aye. Duh, okay.

All right! We can go home! (IMITATING FRY MOCKINGLY) (RASPING) We can talk of our research tomorrow.

We all need a new angle on life Bender, you've gotta help us. I try to get out, but they keep pullin' me back in! Wangle a new dangle on life

Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time, thus solving the problem once and for all. - But-- - Once and for all!

I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then, it hit me. You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. Bender would never share. The very idea! So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy.

Ah, yes! john Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver. The point is, one vote can make a difference.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy. Hey, the TV's back on! We are gathered to mourn the death of Calculon,

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

It's just lucky Bender had a RoJack installed. When I activate it, the police should be able to locate him. FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating. MALE VOICE: Located. (SIREN WAILING) It's a robot chop shop.

Aw, I'm gonna spend eternity alone, with barely any swag!

All right. This is for their own good. Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families.

Man, the future is a total craphole, and whoever lives here is a crap-faced sack of crap! No offense, fellas. Don't sweat it, man. (SIGHS) I'll never see Leela again. No, without a backwards time machine, we're stuck in this craphole. Dude, give it a rest.

Stop exploding, you cowards!

No. They won't believe you either. If you even tell anyone I was here, they'll say I set the fire. So, please, for me, cram it? No! The world has to know that... AMY: Fry? Are you down here? He's all right! Praise Gilgamesh!

Bite my shiny metal ass!

Sweet something of... of someplace.

it was you. I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings. And now, to make sure you won't talk... I'm going to have to do something really impulsive.

Now, hold on there, boys. Violence never solved anything. Then how do we decide who gets the ball? Agnew, show them. (GRUNTS) There. How do you like your stupid ball now? (LAUGHS) (SOBBING)

Blech! We have to track down my nose...

BENDER: "Free Beer"?

Crap. Crap. Garbage.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember. Ow!

Ah, to be young again... and also a robot.

We came here instead of eating today.

When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!

Well, I'm sick of her. The ship? But you just started dating. With my mighty robot powers, I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans.

I don't like things that are scary and painful. Sorry, Bender. You agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin, you go to robot hell... for all eternity. Aw, hell... I mean heck. It's all right. You can say that here.

ANNOUNCER: Cash, cash, cash for your bones! Too many bones? Not enough cash? Call Cash Bone! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain tiny ear bones. The leg bone's connected to the Cash Bone!

Uh, I had a nightmare I was in the year 2000 and you guys never existed. I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here. Since when do you care about us? We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks.

Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so great that it won Leela's heart, and I'll never ever know what it was. My life is empty. Zoidberg No wonder we failed to stop the time skips.

I never have to party again. Well, that's that then. We're back, everyone! Party! (ALL CHEERING) Yeah! Whee!

Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me!

Demand for human horn is great, due in part to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programs... too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch. Human horn? But it is forbidden.

Exciting news, people!

Fine. Come on, Fry. Let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right? Oh, it's tempting, but, well... I am already kind of settled in here. Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show them who's boss.

Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?

Hello. I'm scared of everyones Feffernoose. What about me? Hey, it's Garbly. Everyone loves him 'cause they can't understand him. (MUMBLING) It's nice to meet you. We're here to make you laugh and think and smile and learn and sing And laugh and learn and smile

The culprits: shameless poachers... hunting humans without a permit. The valuable nose, or "human horn," fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac. My nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna drop a barf. Demand for human horn is great,

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah... Hurry, Bender. I could if you dropped the stupid gold violin. Oh, sorry.

Defeat is ours. If we can't communicate with these bone jelly ghosts, we're doomed!

Well, Rodriguez ran to his best friend Said, "Help me or I'll surely be killed"

My life is over. No, it isn't. You have another ten years left. Leela, he could live another hundred years. No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet, and you never return. Wow. A whole planet of old people.

Hey, wait a minute. He was also a robot? Dude! So a robot fox killed a robot human? I guess that makes it okay.

Dearly beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life... when he was crushed by a runaway semi driven by the Incredible Hulk. Aw, you knew my favorite cause of death.

What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo! Who are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wiener?

Now you'll only have one chance to destroy the ball. After that it will be so close to Earth that blowing it up would cause garbage to rain over the entire planet killing billions. Aw, boo-hoo. Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once you activate it you'll have 25 minutes to get away.

Those are the 98 words we don't say (CHEERING) My God! You stole all your ideas from those poor, innocent creatures and hogged all the credit? I underestimated you. Wait. I can explain.

Oh! (EXCLAIMS) Careful. This is the most... Quickly. Into the time shelter. Someone stole the Time Button, and they're pressing it every 10 seconds. The universe is caught in a time loop.

What I want to know is what is up between you and Bossy Boots here. Her? She's just a bossy friend. Exactly! She nagged you, tormented you and pushed you around. That is my job!

Nobody. I'm watching the Charlie Brown Special. (GASPS) Is that what I think it is? Yep, your favorite. Cap'n Crunch casserole.

Hand me that backup disk.

Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Free... (SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)

You were living in my punching bag? If you call that living. You bent my golf club? Yep.

Give us a name, MacButt! The year was 2019 and I was just a lowly robot arm working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan a savage, intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world--

It's just not the same here without Bender to keep me company. Hey, I'm here. That's gotta count for something. Hallelujah, baby. Yay! Bender's back. Hey, Bender, you mind coming back later?

Ah. Nibbler's there. Wait. What? What the-- I-i don't understand.

Bender mon, lie yourself down. You're paying for that.

Oh! Huh? Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me!

Eh, no thanks. I'm good. But there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal. I don't know, Fry. For the first time in my life, I feel like... I've stolen enough. Bender, snap out of it. Sorry. I don't know what came over me. Let's go!

Leela? You're alive! Fry! But how did you find this planet? Well? (GROANING) We're actually on Earth.

Hit it, me! (RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING) (MONITOR BEEPING)

This our comedy club. Humor here funny in different way. It not reinforce stereotypes. Comedy come from character, real situations, not abstract craziness. Translation-- boring. That's a good one. Ow!

Hey, Bender want to make shrinky dinks?

We can have four idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonists. Now clean out your locker and beat it! They can't do this to me, Bender, a well-known hero. I'm the world's greatest firefighter! (SCREAMS) Fire!

(WAILING) I have no free will! I am not the master of my own fate! (SOBBING) No free will. Not my fault. Why do you care so much, Bender? I mean, for all we know, humans don't even have free will. Yeah, whatever.

You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-And-Drop-- America's favorite suicide booth since 2008. Lousy, stinking rip-off. Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today.

We live to suck another day!

It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

Our path was set by the travel agency. That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a route with some chest hair.

One hundred kilometers.

That's Bender all right. I'm talking about Flexo. Oh, I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend. No, I'm not. Mark my words. Flexo's evil.

Get out of my office!

No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.

But, sir, that plan makes no sense.

To know the punch line of every joke hours in advance. Like watching Leno.

Na na na na na na Captain, may I have a word with you? No. It's an emergency, sir. Come back when it's a catastrophe. Oh, very well.

I'm surrounded by neat freaks every day. There's nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slop jock like you. Oh, stop. Now listen, you filthy pig no one can know about us. If anyone asks, I'll deny it. just like every other girl I've dated.

BENDER: Wake up and feel the coffee! (SPUTTERING) No, I'm late for work again! Sorry I'm late. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.

Delivery boy? No! Not again. Please, anything else. Take your hands off me. You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else. What if I refuse?

I want the tactile pleasure of chopping him right here, in the gonads. Shh! Nobody correct him!

(LOUD BUZZING DRONE) BENDER: This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next. Coming up next, Futurama! (SNAPS FINGER)

Clamping, crimping, occasional snipping.

And the winner is-- And the winner-- instead of any of the nominees--

Eat my shorts. Okay. Mmm, shorts.

I will lose all respect for you and punch you.

It's all coming together now. I must say this opens my eyes. Another case closed, my dear Watson. Morgan, come back. He's stuck in a loop. For I was blind but now I see. The cat's out of the bag now.

Police, bah. Nosy meddlers. It so happens I have mail-order degrees in murderology and murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot.

We thank you, Bender, for the gift we are about to receive. Tangled-up Christmas lights. We can take shifts untangling them. And unlabeled booze. Wide-mouthed too!

To the sub-basement!

- Uuh! - D'oh! An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer.

Emote-atron jr.? Hold on, precious. Let's make you look nice for the lady. What's this? What did I tell you? No more hanging wires! In this scene, you've just found out your real father... is Calculon's fourth evil identical "septuplet"-- Sleazy Martinez.

16 feet?! Go to hell! I was a fool to think you'd changed, you old bat. Filthy, toothless nerd bastard! Damned she-fossil! Stink pig!

Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is. In fact, I think I better put on a monocle.

I didn't abandon you! You wandered off! Stop judging me, Fry-bed! (BENDER GRUNTING) Oh... It's just not the same without the muffled screams. If only I could hear your voice again. (GASPS) (MACHINE BEEPS) Hello, it's me, Fry!

I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life. Happy New Year!

That was the meanest thing I ever saw. Good. Maybe it'll work. Oh!

(SNIFFLES) You really think so? I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way. You're sweet, Leela.

With the hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys

Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat, Grade 19. Hermes Conrad, Bureaucrat, Grade 36.

What the hell kind of plane is that? (BUCKLES CLICK) Okay, G.I. Zapps. Today's mission is to parachute into Fort Weaponsworth and take back our shrapnel laser, which was stolen by our sworn enemy. The terrorist group known as A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. KIF: "A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. A Criminal Regiment Of Nasty Young Men."

(MUMBLING) Shut up. (BENDERS LAUGHING) That's a good one.

Hey, there's my little space heater.

Hey. What smells like blue? Fry, get up here! It's starting! Focus!

Quick, Fry, run for it! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Come on, freedom cage! Roll me to safety! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Frying pans! Cast-iron frying pans! It's not what it looks like! What do I do? Do what I say. Tell her! Tell me what? Give me the heavy one.

but I still have a trump card. The most beautiful love song ever written. ANd i-i-i Will always Love you Will always love you The humans are attacking!

Today, I've personalized each of your meals. For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony. Come on! Eat! I slaved all day over a filthy stove.

Well, looks like Fry's three-way is down to a one-way. If he's lucky. Hey, where is Fry?

Wait a second! There's a microwave radar dish at the army base. We could steal it. No! That would alter history. Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was. Well, I killed my grandfather. Wha-- Wait. If you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?

Ah... a picture of my mommy.

I got it! I got it! I don't got it! You saved the Gemerald! Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving that the deadliest animal of all... is the Zookeeper. You can get off me anytime.

I am so great. Bender is great Bender, Bender, Bender Man, where'd the time go? Hey, you guys wanna... Oh. Right. (GASPS) They turned into petroleum oil. I thought they were selfish, yet in the end,

Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away. Well, it looks like I'll be needing my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely reduced pay, of course. Better than nothing. What about me? Can I come back at severely reduced pay? You got it, mon.

But I read in Esqwired magazine that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual. Don't believe those lies, son! The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get a "Amen"? I'll take a-three-men. Holla!

I'm making you an honorary Globetrotter. In fact, everybody in this room's an honorary Globetrotter. Yay! I'm a Globetrotter! Did you just say-- Too late, hot plate. Aw, crap!

What's this? Two meals in one week? Got you! Sucker! Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me.

No one move. I'm back, baby.

(SCATTING) This must be a difficult time for people who confuse TV actors with actual friends. Dear God! What is he doing? (MAN SCREAMING) No! Somebody stop him!

You're covered in precious ambergris. Precious hamburgers?

Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar, but tonight I realize what's really important is to win two Oscars! Ha! Ha! I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Free... (SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) Ah! Hello. I'm here for the free beer.

Because I don't like being used.

To equip Pharaoh for his journey, we bury him with his favorite possessions, such as his heart and liver... and the many goods he left in his royal garage. Also, this bag of cats our culture considers holy.

How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?

But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch!

And this time if someone's going to jump out of it make sure to put them in after you cook it. So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake you'll never forget. That'll take care of those annoying rats.

like poor little Shelly here. What could you possibly have in common with this walkin' soup mix? For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell... but lead a rich inner life. And also-- Well, you know. You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?

On April 10, 2912, my late husband and I set off down Fifth Avenue aboard the Land Titanic, the largest street-going vessel ever built. Just four days into her maiden voyage, as we approached 32nd Street, the land liner struck a mailbox and went down.

Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Uh-huh, uh-huh Well, Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride Somethin' Bender is great Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great Uh-huh

Hey, what's behind that door? Nothing. Is it the secret ingredient? Grunka lunka dunkity dingredient You should not ask about the secret ingredient. Okay, okay, we get the point. I was just curious because of the armed guards. Grunka lunka dunkity darmed-guards... Shut the hell up!

Nah, but thanks to this knucklehead, I did find a new outlook on life. It's precious and sacred. And you only get so many millions of years on this Earth. So, let's get brick-faced! (ALL CHEERING)

- Wanna steal some more stuff? - I guess.

- Out of the way! - I need... Move! Are there any left?

So a couple of animals didn't die, and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission. We're heroes! Dear Captain's Diary--

You'll have to wait till you're partying with Slurms McKenzie. When will that be? Soon enough. That's not soon enough.

My pleasure. You see, I came down with a searing case of "who-gives-a-crap?"

You can't die! Tonight Bender showed me that I love you. But... I love you. I know, and I care for you too. But I could never love anyone as much as you made me realize I love Flexo! But-- But--

And now you're getting married. I love you, man.

"Die young, leave a pretty corpse," that's what I say. You should say something else.

Bender, is-- is that you?

Fry, I'm an '80s guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks... I beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas. The deal will go ahead as-- My bones!

But I guess I'll just throw one away. We'd love to have you on the team, Bender, but aren't you more on the supply side of crime? Plus, the cream won't give you superpowers. You're a robot. So? I'm already super strong. And my arms do this. Yah!

It's time for your first delivery. To the Moon! Fan-(BLEEP)-ing-tastic!

I'm on it! (INHALES) (BLOWING) (MUFFLED) It's not working! (CHUCKLING) I die happy knowing you fell for that. His power supply is shut. He's flatlining! (BEEPING) Only one thing can keep him alive.

My next clue came at 4:15 when the clock stopped and another came two hours later, at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse. Scruffy knows who killed them people.

Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.

One half! Pull! One half! Pull! Now we're slavin'.

That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares. We're not listening! That's what I'm talking about!

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Rammed his train through the wall And crushed him flatter than a MacBook Air, Lord, Lord Crushed him flatter than a MacBook Air But while you were all out fighting With the giant plastic octopi I copied myself, you see Bender! Bender!

I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse... and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane.

Mine was to make it with five weirdoes and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and, of course, I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position? He's a saint. But why did you have all five weddings on the same day?

Correct. 6,000 hulls. Why do we have to fly within three feet of this penguin preserve on Pluto? To avoid the tollbooth. Okay, she's all restocked with emergency jam. Let's get going. At the risk of sounding negative, no.

Now what are we going to do? Hey, look! The keys to the real spaceship. Do you think we should? Yes, I do.

That's what I'm gonna call the yacht.

Oh, I'm about to lose history's greatest life all because of some useless old people. They're not useless. They can cook ham casserole, and watch TV at incredible volume, and they generate electricity.

I'm beginning to think my kidney transplant was a total rip-off. Let's take a look-see. My Manwich! No wonder my urine smells like a meal.

And... action! "Miss McNeal... "I'm afraid I must decline "your offer of marriage "for you see, I'm dying. Cough, then fall over dead." "My God, he's dead."

Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah.

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah! Bender! It's a miracle! Aah!

NIXON: Patriotic peacekeepers who rebuild schools with their bullet-sucking vacuum tanks.

And I can't take life anymore!

His crew includes a badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose,

Huh? Hey! Tubes? You're older than you said you were. Come closer, Bender. Let's become one. I prefer two. That way, we can still be a horse for Halloween.

You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry! Look, what do you want?

The big, fat, ugly, compound-eyed, hairy-thoraxed...

You come to the right joint, ace. I'll take this one. Classy choice, chief. She'll crap her pants. That'll be five bills. Hey, give me back my stones. Hello, stranger. This is my first time here.

Michelle, this is Leela. This is Bender.

All right, here's the battle plan. We shoot, they surrender, we go aboard somebody does some clamping then we heist the cigars and go home. And all without killing anyone. This gang's got some fresh, new ideas. I admire that.

Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!

Hello? Hello? I'll take eight.

No. That's not necessary, really. I think I hear my factory recalling me.

Hermes, don't press that button! Okay.

I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew. (SNIFFLES) But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something? Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.

'Cause we got A little ol' Convoy rockin' through the night yeah, We got A little ol' convoy ain't she A beautiful sight come on and join our Convoy ain't nothin' gonna get in our way wE gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U.S.A.

You hit a sour note... about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top. Ow! Ah, Bender, Fry! You've come back for more eternal damnation.

Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other... beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.

And all I ask in return is your hands... to replace these bony hot dogs. Grabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these guys!

You miserable dingus!

That's right, thanks to Ed Begley, jr.'s electric motor the most evil propulsion system ever conceived!

Special deliver for Invader X! Laser eye power! (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) Hand magnet power! (CLICKS TONGUE) Yay! I'm unbuckled! (CLICKS TONGUE) Stop it, you hero!

(ALL GASPING) (LIGHTNING CRACKING) I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot. The dials are terrified. Brace yourselves. It's Tickle Me Elmo's Fire.

A letter from Bender, my good friend. "Dear Dr. jerkberg "If you're reading this, I'm already dead. "The person who killed me Was-- was--" My God. It can't be. The murderer. It was...

the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future. It's Politics 101. (SCREAMING) And the votes are in. Richard Nixon, running unopposed, has been reelected by a narrow landslide. Say what?

You pizza's gonna be another minute. We still waiting for it to be delivered. Bender? I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another robot. (GROANS) You're probably right. I don't really remember what he looks like. Guys, guys, it's me, Bender. (ALL GASP) He's alive!

You pizza's gonna be another minute. We still waiting for it to be delivered. Bender? I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another robot. (GROANS) You're probably right. I don't really remember what he looks like. Guys, guys, it's me, Bender.

Ahhh! Sweet light crude. But I'm not a robot like you! I don't like having disks crammed into me. Unless they're Oreos. And then only in the mouth. Don't you understand? I'm gonna die here. Ah, quit your belly-achin' and take it like a robot.

All right! Hooray!

Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You.

Howdy, y'all! Welcome to Atlanta. Folks 'round these parts call me the Colonel. Here, have some breathers courtesy of our chamber of commerce.

Do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera, All My Circuits? Oh, I am! Me! Bender is! Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel Air home. Yes, I will. Yep!

Sweet tornados of Barbados! Amy and Bender have been torn to shreds. (ALL GASP) Oh, the humanity! Also, Bender.

Thanks be I had these bulletproof shutters installed. Whoa! Aah! Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us...

Those bastards!

Fry? (EXCLAIMS) Bender? Are you in here? In here is the only place I'm not! (LAUGHING EVILLY) I amuse myself.

Oh, God, what have I done? You've given us a new father and a full-time job, which is more than most kids have. But... We love it here, Miss Leela. This is the funnest planet in the whole world. Don't hug me! I've done a horrible thing! For God's sake, somebody teach me a lesson!

Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space.

Me... want... engulf... Bender! Only a few more.

Okay, Beelzy, Fry's dead. A ghost! Oh, it's you. A deal's a deal, so give me my body back.

My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis.

Cheese it! (ALL EXCLAIMING) (PANTING)

Hello! Pizza delivery! For, uh... "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls. Here's to another lousy millennium.

Hermes, quiet. I'm deducing things. What do you got? Disposal trouble? No! Everything's just-- Sure is shocking about the professor, huh? And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me-- Bender.

No! Stop! Wait a minute, man!

Cheese it! Robot House!

I should give you all a beating, but I really have to fly if I weren't stuck here frozen, I'd harpoon you in the eye Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye You did the best you could I guess, and some of these gorillas are okay Hooray! We're adequate!

Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends. Uh, brunch. Right.

Placing fossil on the Plat-Clone-O-Form. Initiating dog brain CAT scan! Come on, boy. Come back to life. Know ye now what it feels like to be dog god!

Here's to another lousy millennium.

Uh, Leela, I think there might be something wrong with the coffee machine. How do you like me now?! The toaster's not working right either. Help! The stapler's collating me alive! Ow! What's going on around here?

- Thank you, Lieutenant Smith. - Good morning, Mr. Vice President. Leela, we're missing the premiere.

The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer him, fool. It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function. Says you. (CAT HISSING) (FRY SCREAMING) There's also a lot of drugs in there.

Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.

Perhaps we could explode the whole damned nebula.

and subscription to Cosmo. just F.Y.I., I could be used for Snu-snu. Silence! You want die like last men visit Amazonia? What'd they die of? Crushed pelvises. Yes! Oh, thank you, Lord in Heaven.

Let's let Lady Luck decide What type of torture's justified I'm pit boss here on level two Ooh, deep-fried robot. just tell me why? Please read this 55-page warrant There must be robots worse than I We checked around, there really aren't Then please let me explain

You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work, but they don't pay you or let you go.

Hey, how'd those two get deflated? They looked at this. (GASPS) That proves it. Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb has a horrific effect on living creatures.

You're my best friend, Fry.

Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You.

I love you. Olive you. (LAUGHS) And finally, our new employee of the month is Fry. He's really been putting his nose to the grindstone, according to Bender's constant updates. He's been working so hard, we barely even see him.

At that point, our skin becomes a semipermeable membrane... which allows the passage of genetic material. I held Amy's hand, and voilÀ. Well, okay, but that better be all there is. Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother!

That won't stop me. Raise the solar sails! I'm going after that Mobius Dick! (ALL GASPING) You've been hitting the Red Stripe, woman! Comport yourself, Mr. Conrad! When we're at space, the captain's word is law. I could marry you and Bender against your will, if I wanted to. You wouldn't dare!

A fortune, it is. At last, Zoidberg will live like a rich man! Mmm! Hey, cut it out. Go away! Get away from me! Smeesh! It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like, a hundred cups of coffee? That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee, starting now!

Soylent Green-ooh!

So, what's in the box already? No peeking! I don't know what's in there, but I'm sure our minds would be unable to comprehend it. Oh! You hurt my collator! I don't care. Listen well.

(LAUGHS) It has now been one year since the death of Calculon, former star of TV soap opera All My Circuits. The celebrated robot actor killed himself onstage in a failed attempt to make a death scene more convincing.

(SLURRING) Hey, you! Good evening. Who are you calling drunk? You're not drunk. I'm drunk. That's right, Linda. Water is now booze,

Then shut your yaps and back to work Now it's very nearly Xmas We've done the best we could These toy soldiers are poorly painted And they're made from inferior wood I should give you all a beating, but I really have to fly

There, finished. Wouldn't it work better if the wheels were round? It's my invention. We do it my way. Now all we need is something to pull it and we're set. Hee-yah! Ow! Hurry! The robots have taken Suffolk County.

Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick? Yeah.

BENDER: Rumbledy-Hump? It's real! I love eating vegetables, don't you? They're like crunchy, green water. I don't like them! They're icky-yuckie!

We did it! We kicked Nectar's butt!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! (HORNS BLOWING) Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Well, that's it. I'm afraid traditional medicine has failed.

Is he genetically engineered?

Then we'll write our own Bible. With less Sodom and more Gomorrah.

Negative, Sailor Moon. We're going for a sleigh ride.

What the hell is that thing? It appears to be the mother ship. Then what did we just blow up? The Hubble telescope.

Hey, where's Bender? Down here. I'm so sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you, just to destroy everything you ever believed in. Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you.

Apartment One-i. The old me would've made a joke about that.

Perhaps you wouldn't be so worried about them if you knew what they really thought of you. It's so great being away from everyone. Zoidberg and his awful stench. Stanky. Bender and his obnoxious ego. But... But... And what about Amy? Always prancing around in those stupid marmoset pajamas.

What is that, like, a hundred cups of coffee? That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee, starting now! Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please. Smells good!

(BOTH SNORING) (CHIRPING) (SNORTS) Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that.

The big brain am winning again! I am the "greetest"! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets But the years went by and Pharaoh died Susie went and joined him in the afterlife-- Hamenthotep is gone. The time to designate a new pharaoh is at hand.

I apologize for nothing!

Bender, mon it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch. You call that a couch? I demand a pillow. I'm sorry, but if you want to continue drawing a salary you've got to do more than watch the cooking shows all day. Hmm?

If you could change form why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?

Why? Why did he do this to me? All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I'm gonna die! I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it!

Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection? This way, please. Geez, Hermes, you seem awfully calm about this. Don't worry. I have a plan. I'm going to jump! - No! - No! Do a flip!

I was enjoying it until you guys showed up. Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge? Amen!

The year was 2019 and I was just a lowly robot arm working in an automotive research lab.

Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. Coffee time!

George, a word in edgewise. This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot-tall, mechanical joe Frazier. M-My memory's not what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.

My pants! My lucky pants!

The Farnsworths are a remarkable... Farnsworth? That name is a stain on American history. One of the worst traitors of the Revolution was a Farnsworth. You're lying! He's George Washington. He tends not to do that. David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter.

Let's go already

Ah! Muy macho. Hey, gringos!

Sorry, Hermes, I drank all your Wite-Out. (LAUGHING) Once I log in, I can access Inspector 5's profile.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. You're going a mile a minute. This! You for this. Thanks! No! Ow! Fire hot! The professie will help. Fire indeed hot!

Where'd you get those ears? I've always had ears. No, you haven't. All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail.

C... B, Nail! Final answer! (BUZZER SOUNDS) HERMES: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? I never stop to think about it. Leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. You a big dummy!

I can fetch! He could dig up bones. Hello! Charlemagne? Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head.

Challenger-er Bender-er!

But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve. Like you got squat to celebrate. You're a delivery boy this millennium, and you'll be a delivery boy next millennium.

"By The Police. "On March 3, at 2:00 p.m., Bender was caught shoplifting." Yeah. Show us the picture. Oh, there he is. Okay, kids. It's 9:00, and you know what that means. Daddy's sick o' lookin' at ya. So go to bed.

Ah... a picture of my mommy. Huh? What's this?

Enough with the feelings, you two.

So, Fry... what do you think of the impulsive new me? I like it. Good, now let me just get the lights.

Hey, what's with all the pots and pans? - You building a wife? - Part of one. Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends.

Please stop crying, Fry. Here. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog... to toy with my emotions. Ah, what have I done?

And also-- Well, you know. You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers? No! It's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS) (GRUNTING) (HORN HONKING) What about that non-hovering hover car?

Oh, no. Freezer Burn is... NIXON: Sleeping. I will avenge him, you heartless... NIXON: Bastards! It's okay if I say it. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) NIXON: Just measuring you for a new hat. Three, four, cha-cha-cha.

Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davey jones's U-Haul. At ease, men. I am at ease. Mr. Fry, I like to give my first mate an informal nickname. From now on, you'll be known as Wiggles.

Yes, yes, let's all talk to Zoidberg.

Knock, knock. Oh! Oh! Who's there? Leela? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Leela who?

I tell you, they're not evil. But don't be confused; they are jerks.

Nice to see you, Zapp.

But you are lazy, right?

It's spooky. It doesn't seem to correspond to anything funny happening. I'll say. (CANNED LAUGHTER)

What the-- A dog collar for me? You shouldn't have! - That's for Seymour. - Oh. Say, why'd you get me a subscription to the Daily Growl?

I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West. (LAUGHS) Billy West? What a stupid, phony, made-up name. You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag-burning.

I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick. - However, I will watch out of curiosity. - Quiet!

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Omicron. Have you insured your planet?

One, zero, uh-- One, one, zero, zero, one-- Bender, what is it? Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two.

Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you.

Our what? Career chips. You remember-- they assign you the job you're best at.

And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night? Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia.

Great. Now we're being crushed. Help us, wooden Bender!

- There's a dam! - Damn! There's a grate! Great! But I can't bend anything with my arms agonizingly maimed like this.

Let's get the hell out of here.

(SOBBING) I like jelly beans. Do you? I sure do, honey. Come now, Fry, you can't live out this sick fantasy.

What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces. (EXCLAIMING) Lemony! I had intended to unveil a beautiful stone memorial today. But due to the recent tragedy, I humbly ask you to join me in a simple prayer. ALL: Boo!

This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard. Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend. But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment. I can't walk away from a commitment like that. Farewell, my friend.

Cheese it! (ALL EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) (MONKEYS GIBBERING) Hurry! We still have to rescue Fry and Leela! Even if my stupid marmoset pajamas offend Leela's big fat eye. After they said I had an obnoxious ego?

a child of destiny whose bizarre brain-wave pattern... makes him immune to the Brain Spawn attack. He is the hope of the universe. The fate of your world-- perhaps all worlds-- rests in his special mind. Now, when you say "special--"

Once their task is complete, they will ensure... that no new information arises in the only way possible-- by destroying the universe.

Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine. It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. Coffee time! Ah. Mighty fine smokable. Fancy cigar? Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff! Go, go, go, go, go!

This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. Bender! And that is why they call me Bender the Magnificent!

Here's to another lousy millennium. Five, four, three, two--

Stop! It's driving me sane!

Interesting. No, wait. The other thing-- tedious. Let's go check it out. You can see how I lived before I met you. You lived before you met me?

Yeah, but everybody's a jerk-- you, me, this jerk. That's my philosophy.

Times two, carry the one.

I don't feel like drinking.

Pizza delivery.

I'm not even gonna wait to dance on your grave. I'm gonna dance on your corpse right now. (SCATTING) Oh, my God! No, Bender. What're you doing? No! LEELA: Bender, stop!

You cheater. Break his neck! No, don't hurt him. He's my best friend.

Ah! And, so in honor of his record-breaking catch I'm proud to award Bender this check for $1,000.

Ow! (GRUNTING) That was not worth $3,000.

Na-na-na-- Bunny now hot. Beer!

A cat, some poison and a cesium atom. The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer him, fool. It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function. Says you. (CAT HISSING) (FRY SCREAMING)

Amazing. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit! Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards? Why are you so angry, Mommy? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. You dumb bastards!

Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. That's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks. - He big jerk like man. - I sure am, but check the crotch. Nothin'. Very well. Release him. As for the others, take them to the Snu-snu chambers!

Fry, you got to try the Sterno Nicoise. No, thanks. That's robot food. It's so good. Oh, just try a little. No, really, I don't-- Mmm.

Come on, baby! Do ah do! De dat diddly whoop boopity boo! Come on! Doo do! Bee bop boo! I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing. Bite my shiny metal ass! Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah.

There's a baby in there, huh?

Help me! For God's sake, help me! Oh, don't worry, Fry. I, too, once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum. But now, it's nearly over. So long.

Wait, why do the raised letters that normally say "Turn Master Steering Wheel Company" say "Nibbler"? Oh, no! I'm back at the wheel, Fry. Everything's under control. Great, great. The one time I forgot to buy flight insurance.

BENDER: Three, two, one. Hang on Fry, I'm a-comin' to save you! You are my hero. Shut up, Fry, I know it.

The Adventures of Pit-bull and Scaredy Squirrel, Dora the Destroyer, and Rumbledy-Hump. I hope you win, Leela. Thanks, Fry. It's nice to have the support of viewers like you. I'm the star of the show. Shh.

This isn't Yemeni! it's Sulawesi! And my cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking! You seem a tad wound up, buddy.

This Week In The Universe! Dateline: Tarantulon 6. The brave warriors of Earth, under the command of General Major Webelo Zapp Branigan, have achieved victory over the spider home world.

You didn't expect us to even go to a museum, much less steal this ancient heat-seeking missile! I don't even know you.

Now, remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in. Actually, sir,

Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned.

MOM: That shuffling idiot never did complete the free will unit. To this day, my poor, sweet robots can't exterminate humanity without being told to. I'm sorry. Oh. It's not your fault.

Hmm... Horsie to Pointy Guy Six. Check.

Did we go too far? What time is it? BENDER: The year 10,000. FARNSWORTH: Whoopsie.

Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town, and we're-- Quiet! It's 4:00 a.m., and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Sorry. A new era of justice has begun. What?

I don't know why I should. I mean, after what he... Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What is it you like best about me? Is she coming? I'm not sure, but I do know that she likes my in-your-face attitude.

So, you're a robot? (SIGHS)

So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh? Nice job. We surrender. Earth is yours.

Fry! I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out? I'm about to. Leela, let me play for you one more time.

Yeah. Hmm. Fry! Hermes! Where my humans at? Ah, who cares? It is on. (DOORBELL RINGING)

Then we'll write our own Bible. With less Sodom and more Gomorrah.

just wake up, Leela. Please, just wake up. I don't understand what you mean. just wake up.

Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people, sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep? Uh, excuse me. Which is the one people like to hug? Gutsy question. You're a shark.

Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute. Aw, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long. It's okay, Bender. I like cooking, too. Pansy. Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here-- the Neptunian slug.

but some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk. No galaxies there. Knock, knock. Oh! Oh! Who's there? Leela? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Leela who? It's good to see you. Is it good to see me?

Scoop Chang, New New York Magazine, Kosher Recipes Editor, iPad Edition. Ma'am, what happened in there? Well, I was shoplifting a lamb chop when suddenly fire erupted from the liver tray. Next thing I knew, I was carried to safety by this strapping young what-you-call-it. (WHISPERING) Hero. Hero. Aw, stop.

I did what I had to do, Fry. He was a bad robot. No, he was a bad friend. I want him back right now. Then you should have filed a request 20 years ago. I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy.

This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We could settle down on that mountain of skulls.

I watched the skies for weeks, with only occasional breaks to tend to my grief diarrhea. Just when all hope was lost... (GASPS) The ship's escape pod!

So long, Earth. Thanks for nothing.

- I'm afraid so. - What they for? Oh! You mean "snu-snu." Snu-snu. Snu-snu.

So, I guess everything worked out fine. Great. Now we're being crushed. Help us, wooden Bender!

(GROANING) Bender, as my newest employee, could you bend this drinking straw for me? Sure, let me just... Whoa. WOMAN'S VOICE: First click the license agreement, dearie. I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty.

Who are you? Scruffy, a janitor. Why aren't you fixing the boiler? Schedule conflict.

Oh, my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great souffle, Elzar!

Ma'am, what happened in there? Well, I was shoplifting a lamb chop when suddenly fire erupted from the liver tray. Next thing I knew, I was carried to safety by this strapping young what-you-call-it. (WHISPERING) Hero. Hero. Aw, stop. (WHISPERING) Keep going.

I haven't seen that magnificent stallion since the day he left, but if I ever see him again I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him!

What's your game, Vitruvian Man?

His name is Malfunctioning Eddie. The car dealer? Wow. I guess his prices really were insane. He's very excitable. So don't say anything to surprise him. Pleased to meet you. Actually, we've met once before. What?

Hey, watch it! Don't drop that there. Oh...

If my calculations are correct this garbage ball will knock the other garbage ball directly into the Sun. And if my calculations are correct we're all going to die horribly.

(SCREAMS) He's dead! Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat! So, I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty!

To the Science Mobile!

- Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? - Granted. We can't take off without our captain. Oh, and bring my toboggan.

We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks.

Yeah, but everybody's a jerk-- you, me, this jerk.

Change places! Bender, I can't take much more of this.

Fry, I challenge you to Claw Plock. English, please? A fight to the death. And if you survive, we'll make sweet love.

you're going to separate the yolk from your genetically enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel. Bam! Hey, what you watching? Uh, nothing. Is that a cooking show? No, of course not. It was, uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.

I just know these things. I've got what they call "gaydar."

- Remember that song, "Safety Dance"? - Sure do. We can dance dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-- You know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was.

We sure are cheerful this morning. Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast. You know, beneath his warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler,

I did my hair the way you wanted it. Who are these people? Friends. Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff? They were giving it away on the street corner just like you, Leela.

What the... How'd that get in there? (PANTING) Thank you. Thank you, sir. You're a true hero.

I thought I could just step back into my old life. But it seems the world got on fine without me. Maybe even a little bit better. (WHIMPERING) (BEEPING) The name Calculon used to mean something. Now it's a stain that will never wash clean.

Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something! Come on, Leela. What's the real reason you won't go out with me? Help, Satan! You owe me! Look. Um, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but you forced me to. I can't go out tonight because...

SMITTY: Attention, criminal robot in the building! Come out with your hands up! Never! SMITTY: Other guy. Listen up, piggies, I want a hovercopter, and an unmarked sandwich, and a new face with, like, a Hugh Grant look. And every five minutes I don't get it,

And Scruffy's buffet, how's that going? Fry, Fry, look out for that bowling barn. Bender, is that thou? I love you. GIRL: Oh, my God.

He was my best friend, and I killed him.

Bender, are you okay? What crazy thing am I gonna date next? Well, at least it sounds like you were able... to keep your consciousness separate from hers. Of course! Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle-- A cuddly baby tapir. And that's why I love him.

(FEMALE ROBOT GIGGLING) Shh! Don't wake up Fry. (FEMALE ROBOT GIGGLING) Shh! My roommate's sleeping! - Wake up already! - Huh? I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot,

To reiterate, my terrible secret is...

Happy birthday! Bender, what's going... No! Hey, can't you see I'm using the toilet?

Hurry, Bender. I could if you dropped the stupid gold violin. Oh, sorry. Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again.

And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!

Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our flag! Stop that Red Menace!

Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect. Right? Except for the word "blern," that was complete gibberish.

And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately, so far, it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language. Hello. Bonjour. Crazy gibberish.

(ALL CHUCKLING) Shush, Morris. So, how did it all begin? The unlikely lovebirds met at Brown University. She, a brilliant exolinguistics major, he, a laid-back sewer surfer who didn't even know the meaning of "exolinguistics." I still have no idea.

I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza. One pie, nothing good on it. Name? I.C. Wiener.

Oh, I'll never recombobulate this ship. When the professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca! Wait. What would the robot do? Frame someone! What up?

Out of cream! Oh, uh, okay. Would you like sugar in your coffee? Yes, uh, eight spoons. Out of coffee! Uh, Leela, I think there might be something wrong with the coffee machine. How do you like me now?! The toaster's not working right either.

It was October 17, at 1:54 p.m., and 14 birds were flying by the window. I was working at Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Back then, you see, robots were slow-moving, stiff... and a little on the uptight side. Oh, dear! Might I favor master with a tender kiss on the forehead?

I am? That's not good news at all, you little--

Yes! Salad! DR. ZOIDBERG: What the hell are you doing? Zoidberg, we know about your secret agreement. I am so, so sorry for how we treated you. And to make it up to you, we're killing the Professor for you so he doesn't die horribly from hyper-malaria. He doesn't have hyper-malaria, you idiots.

Come on. Pay attention. I said do it! Yeah. Is he your friend, too? No. Aah! This is not happening. Ooh, I think there was something funny in that hippie.

Yea! What? What did he say? Hear the word of Pharaoh! Build unto me a statue of ridiculous proportion-- one billion cubits in height-- that I might be remember-ed for all eternity! And be quick about it!

You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing a phone wasn't such a hassle.

In the meantime, you should sing a song to keep your spirits up. How about Camptown Races? MINERS: (SINGING IN HIGH PITCH) The Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-da, Doo-da (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHS) Let's do this.

Bender, I can't take much more of this. I want outta here! Are you crazy? This place is great. Electroshock whenever you want it. Two Lincolns for every Napoleon. Ahhh! Sweet light crude.

La-la-la, look at my head it's okay to look at my head I got a big ol' head And hey! Ho!

They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday. Then we choose the cuddly-uddliest ones... and stuff them full of fire-retardant love fluff.

I find it offensive.

You hit a sour note... about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top.

(MUZAK PLAYING) (GROANS) That music! That horrible, agonizing music! - Is that the tune, Fry? - No. Then stop dreaming it! (MUZAK STOPS) Hello? Pizza delivery for... "I.C. Wiener"?

We will single-handedly attack our archenemy, the Neutral planet. Oh, geez. Once the Neutral war machine lies in ruins I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain. But, sir, that plan makes no sense. Maybe not to you, Kiff.

It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are datin' humans. Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life. She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-- Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!

TV gave us the idea! You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.

What's happened to you?

Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here. It's horrible-- Eating scraps letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in a zoo. Animals go in the corner.

Please do not feed the animals!

Well, first, I got up and had a piece of toast then I brushed my teeth then I went to the store to buy some fish, then I... Fry, look what you did. She won't shut up. That's normal. just nod your head and say, "Uh-huh." Uh-huh, uh-huh. And then you threw an octopus at my window.

Hey, Stephen Hawking. Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity? Sure, why not?

Hey, let's all join the Reform Party! Oh, yeah!

I think you broke the universe.

My life is simple but plain, and though Bender be gone, somehow I feel he's still with me. I sure am, Brother Fry. Yo, big bonnet, move your ugly but modest head covering. Ah, right, you can't hear me. Oh, I hear you loud and clear.

Dear Captain's Diary-- I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel, and that's just as good.

No. I'm goin' to the party. I won't let you! Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willin' to kill for-- jewels, vengeance, Father O'Malley's weed whacker. But at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for-- this mindless turtle.

You're on a scenic route through a state recreation area known as the human mind. You ask a passerby for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding:

(BEEPING ACCELERATING) The machines, they're after me. You're suffering from machine phobia. Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed. (SIGHS) I guess it's for the best. BENDER: Whoo... The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender.

Aah! They're coming straight toward our proximity! Maybe you should give them the clamps, Clamps. Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day at every opportunity? You're a freakin' genius, you idiot!

Hey, wait a minute. This is your home planet? We're the evil invading aliens? Correct. Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth. May you bounce in peace. Get the hell off my planet.

I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood? Whose blood? Some guy's.

My only goal in life is to attend a Hollywood shindig. just pay the valet the two bucks. No. It's the principle of the thing. Besides, I think I see a parking lot up ahead.

I'm going to be the greatest ultimate robot fighter ever. Float like a float-bot,

Huh? Hey! Tubes? You're older than you said you were. Come closer, Bender. Let's become one. I prefer two. That way, we can still be a horse for Halloween.

Which of the following would you most prefer: A, a puppy B, a pretty flower from your sweetie or C, a large properly formatted data file? Choose! Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

No sweat! (SCREAMING) (GROANS)

Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it.

Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote.

Sweetbags. Hello? Hello? What's happening? I'm not sure. I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance. Oh, Lord.

There's no problem. You're just heavy with male jelly. Blecch! It must be mating season for Zoidberg's people. A chaotic time when his behavior is dictated by the tiny brain in his rump. Yech! There's only one thing we can do... I'll get the water boiling.

So I will now join myself in holy macaroni. Kif, raise the ceremonial mirror. Zapp, you magnificent bastard, do you take Munda to be your lawful... (ALARM BLARING) Alien ships approaching, sir.

Repeat, what I just said, immediately! Sorry, Randy. Ah! Step away from the car, and no one gets hurt! (GROANS) To the employment cave!

Only physically. I'm a cross-species dresser. Wait, you're an actual Omicronian? Oh, God. Oh, God, what have I done? This is so hot! Conquer me, Lrrr! Sharpen your horns on my scaly thorax! (SCREAMS)

(SIGHS) That was close. Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you are slandering this innocent Mafioso to distract from your own felonious past, including a crime you made up yourself called "burgle-arson-arceny"? That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc.

Hey, check out the palm tree. It only gets sick when I cook brunch. How's that for a coincidence, Professor, with all your precious science?

Look, I'm not saying Bender's not great, but have you ever considered that maybe he's, you know, not that great? You're just jealous. No one loves you 'cause you're tiny and you're made of meat. Could you maybe pay a little more attention to these asteroids?

ANNOUNCER: Futurama presents...

It sure was nice of the mayor's wife to have sex with me. Uh? You. What? You could have saved a robot, but instead, you saved a human. Do you think human life is more precious than robot life? No, no. Well, yes, actually. (GASPS) That's it. I'm killing myself.

And so I am proud to tear up his star and replace it with a second star for the fabulous Robert Wagner. (CROWD CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is truly another honor.

Yep. Mind-numbingly interesting. Ooh. Bender! Are you looking at other women? No, baby. Never.

Fry! Oh, sorry. I guess I control that arm. Whoo, whoo-hoo, whoo!

In recognition of Bender's generous gift... of 12 orphans and a government check for 1,200 wing-wangs, I hereby rename this building... the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium.

(SNORING LOUDLY) Yes, sir, I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away. (SNORING)

What if we help you get your passion back without the hassle of mutilating me? Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains. We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars. Hmm. Sounds interesting. But he would never do it. Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna be blamed for not going.

Ow! Lousy primitive body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk! - Sir, might I recommend-- - You shut up! No, wait! I can use you as a tool to save my friends, and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was.

How odd. It's one of those old record-your-own-message birthday cards. (TUNE PLAYING) Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine... But, you know, happy birthday and all, and,

FARNSWORTH: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness! Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint. The last proton should be decaying about now.

A talk? You can't break up with me. You're my pet! As much as I enjoy being the object of your misplaced affections, I am also a highly sophisticated being who longs for intelligent conversation. Aw! Is shnookums not feeling shtimuwated? An understatement, to say the least.

Godzilla will devour him As for me I must be off To have my doctor check this cough Good-bye I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla. But that is so what I would've done.

With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas? Here stadium where our women basketball teams play. We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch.

What? Ah, I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero-- me, Bender.

by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh! What are you, gay?

Two, three... hey. Welcome to the world of tomorrow. Shut up, Terry.

Ah! The gang's all here. Who are you? Scruffy, the janitor. I've never seen you before. I've never seen you before, neither. Quiet, please.

Hey, don't cut that. I need that to speak.

It is possible for the Philip Fry to resume his life... on December 31, 1999. Really? I can go back in time? There is a nexus point between universes... at the space/time where you entered the cryogenic tube. You, and only you, can return there.

He did it! He actually did it this time. (GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it.

Then suicide it is.

What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend, and now he's dead!

That's incredible. I'm from the 21st century. No way. We've got so much in common. We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity? Uh... yeah. That rings a bell. This is Bolt Rollins. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with ten wins on the pro circuit.

Listen to me. You don't want to lie in bed like a vegetable... and do nothing the rest of your life; I've tried it. Bedsores hurt! Then what am I supposed to do? Fight it! I can't! You can. The Leela I know doesn't give up this easily. Okay. I'll try. Ugh!

I was born on an assembly line in the bad part of Tijuana. Mama. Wah! Wah! Wah!

Let's get back home. Why is there so little traffic around Earth? And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.

Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage. Yeah, I need a seltzer.

That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me. Come on, boy, jump! Good boy. Whoa, Mittens. My God!

Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

Hey, you know what always cheers you up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies. How about these cookies, sugar?

Stupid rocks. Think they're so great. Well, they are giant diamonds. (LAUGHING EXCITEDLY) Come to Papa. A lot of Bender fell out of the crow's nest. We need to cut the line. Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry.

I do not want to shoot anybody. You never want to do anything! Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you!

Hello? Is anyone still alive?

We can't leave yet.

Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor. Oh, yes, absolutely. Not a chance.

Goodbye, Professor. Before I leave, I just want you to know I've never done any work whatsoever. Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you. Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now. Oh, Lord. I wish I could go with you, pal.

Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh, it's for you.

The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed. Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again. Stop the execution!

(SCREAMING) (POWER TOOLS WHIRRING) (GUNS FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) That's it, I'm pulling the plug. Agnew, cut to the PSA. (GRUNTS) Give me the ball! No, give me the ball. I know, let's fight for it.

You stole my kidney!

Prosecutor, your opening statement? Yeah, honey, I'll be home for dinner. The prosecution rests, Your Honor. Very well. We will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict.

ALL: Hey, he's back! FARNSWORTH: Look at you. LEELA: Hubba hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles. Good afternoon, individuals. Sir, would you mind stepping out of the building? Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whip cream in his eyes and run away, but to ditch these losers, gladly.

My God, he's like some kind of believable Hulk.

You kidding? I was a stud. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees... 32 degrees... you name it. 31... but I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. What? Suicide booths.

I heard you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something something system. The killbots? A trifle. It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. Wow, I never would have thought of that.

I call myself Bev. And if you're looking for a smelly old can of booze, go look in the mirror. Oh, snap. Ooh... No, no, everybody calm down.

Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude.

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct. The best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37.

Uncle Vladimir! Come, Bender. You'll like being dead. That's what they said about being alive. - join us. - join us. join us, Bender.

You're welcome.

You can't go to Omega 3! It's forbidden! I forbid you!

Mark my words. Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender.

on December 31, 1999.

Well, wait. Don't you care that I murdered Hermes? Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder just as long as you let Bender wet his beak. You're blackmailing me? Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal.

I will avenge him, you heartless... NIXON: Bastards! It's okay if I say it. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) NIXON: Just measuring you for a new hat. Three, four, cha-cha-cha. Find that apple. It's down there somewhere.

Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life. She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-- Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!

Allow me to introduce myself.

Give him hell, Morbo!

FARNSWORTH: Easy, easy. Taking her in for a landing. One year to go. Six months.

Aha! Gotcha! Let me go! I don't even want the stupid beer! Yes! You tried to trick me into comin' out of my chest! But who has the beer now?

The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it-- crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

Could you do it someplace else? I'm setting up Seymour's doggie bed. Okay. Ow! Ow! Heel, boy! Heel! Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy.

He's dead, Jim. He's dead, Jim.

We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened. Oh, really?

Dropped outta school and smoked stuff that's like a drug A broke-down filthy homeless substance abuser And now I'm richer than all y'all losers Now he's richer than all y'all ugly losers Decisions I made

We're going to die! - Right? - Right.

Fire lasers! Duck lasers!

I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.

That's not El Chupanibre. Say what? That's El Chupanibre.

Everybody out! So, do you guys know about anything else going on? Because I'm totally still ready to party. There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happening pad. Where did it all come from? Don't tell, comrades.

Bender! It's a miracle! Aah!

Shoot her! She's the robot! No! Shoot her! She's the human! But how do I know who's the human and who's the robot? We just told you! Yeah, you idiot! Okay. Fine. If you're going to be like that, I'm not shooting anyone.

Hey! Turn that damn music... up!

He's so cute. He can do two things at one time. Eat and swim. Ooh! Three things. Do the hustle Fry, it's been three days. You can't keep boogying like this. You'll come down with a fever of some sort.

(SCREAMING) (LOUD SLAMMING) (PANTING) (SCREAMS) I'm telling you, something supernatural is happening. I'm scared to death! (LAUGHING EVILLY) Stop being ridiculous.

I get so lonely.

It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clambake and cook him! Yee-ha!

In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. Actually, that's still true. Now that the garbage is in space, doctor perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions. With gusto. Aw.

(IN DR. ZOIDBERG'S VOICE) Robot?

A hero, indeed. What's your name, son? I don't know. Fry? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero.

What's new? Huh?

Well, at least we get a window. Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours. I think I'll go fill up on bisque at the buffet.

Egyptian? Before I kill you, I must ask you one question. Who am I? For I have... amnesia! Let me get this straight. Does anyone here not have amnesia? - Hmm. - Ooh. I'm not sure. I don't know.

You see, nowadays we can take a unique and beautiful object, and easily reduce it to a formula for mass production. I call the process "science." I'll just need to locate that guitar image on your file system. (GIGGLING) (ELECTRONIC CHIMING)

But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000. Yeah. Now, are you going to come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk? junk? Maybe you can't understand this but I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends-- it's things.

Yo, classmate, whatcha taking?

(SIREN WAILS) (BOTH EXCLAIM) Ironic!

Isn't that right, Comrade Greeting Card? The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.

Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty!

Sorry, I went to my quiet place to write. Here's the script. Ugh. You writers make me sick. Nice job on the script, though. Places, everyone! Okay. Cheap lights. Off-brand camera.

Thank you, Scruffy.

Good way to avoid frostbite, folks-- put your hands between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.

Yeah, we're back. (ALL CHEERING) Sweet coincidence of Port-au-Prince, we're back at Earth!

Phew! After all that, I could use some relaxation. I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll get your cattle back or die trying.

- What do you want? - Fry's dog! - When do you want it? - Fry's dog! Yea!

You fools, you stupid, life-prolonging fools.

Don't thank me. I should be punished. I've corrupted you and taught the orphans a terrible lesson. What orphans? The kids were all adopted. They were? By who? Come on, kids, let's get this place cleaned up for the next episode. Albert, pick up that pastrami and put it back on the craft services table. You're the boss, Daddy.

Fiesta ha ha me MinD on fire me soul on fire feelin' hot, hot, hot Yeah, baby! Yeah! Feeling hot, hot, hot how you feelin'

A skunk knocked over my garbage and suddenly, all I could think of was you.

Oh, crud. He ate my suit.

I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the stereo. Fry, this isn't healthy; you're living in the past. I'm rich. I can live whenever I want.

Bender Rodriguez, you are charged with petty larceny, possession of something analogous to drugs, and assault with a smelly weapon. How do you plead? Not guilty! Although I did do it. That's right, I'm bad. Due to the overwhelming nature of the evidence, we will begin with closing statements.

I'm a delivery boy!

Hmm! Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry. Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass? No, it's called "parenting." Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect!

Hey, I think I know who the next pharaoh is. Oh, Lord.

Now, over here, the grunka-lunkas are inducing wumpus berries to release their flavor using sensual massage. Pst. Those berries. Those are the secret ingredient, right?

So does my butt but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...

Hey, everybody! Do the Bender! This move's called the Bender. Yo, hot wheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves! Whoa-oa-oa!

I wuv my mommy.

You were admitted to this robot asylum. Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete.

Hello? Is anyone there? I love you. Oh. Why must I be such a coward?

Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one. Yes, yes, let's all talk to Zoidberg. Hey-- So, Zoidberg... what's new? Oh, you know--

(CHEERING) I hereby declare that henceforth, this Saturday shall be known as Fry-Day! (CROWD CHEERING)

I meant your wallet. Three, two, one, zero. Mmmbop ba-duba-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop yeah, yeah mmmbop ba-duba-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop

Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

There, finished. Man, I'm good at this, eh, flame-o? Yo, flame-o! (GASPING)

I don't care how popular you are-- you will never work on my show! Yea! Bender! We demand Bender! However, you've got the job.

And anyway, I am just as strong as you are, Mac. Oh, yeah? Prove it. Here, let me help you.

That's no flying saucer. That's my ass!

I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

Leela? You're alive! Fry! But how did you find this planet? Well? (GROANING) We're actually on Earth. The ship's homing device brought us back. But I saw Earth explode!

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah! Bender! It's a miracle! Aah! This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.

We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message.

Game over! Phil wins!

- Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. - What's there to talk about? - Shh! - Hands up!

Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry.

Yo, freak jobs! Hit the nearest manhole, pronto-like. But we have passes that allow us to be up here. From the mayor himself! I don't know. I never heard of no mayor.

It's gone! Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag, and I did it with pride. For to express oneself by doing a thing... is the very essence of Freedom Day!

Welcome! To the world of tomorrow! Why do you always have to say it that way?

When I was growing up at the orphanarium, I got picked on a lot. My only outlet was Octouran kung fu. Yi-ah! Ye-ah! Yee! Excellent.

Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto.

Wait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder! It's Bender! You're a fraud! Look, you want false hope or not? Only if you don't have any real hope. Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you heard of the Monks of Deshuba? I've not heard of them.

Quiet! Quiet, I say!

Boy, what is the deal with the ocean? A tropical island, huh? Well, I've washed up in worse places.

When I'm with you, every day seems like double-soup Tuesday.

are more closely related to our elephants than our spiders! Don't mind us! Aah!

Party on, contest winners. Party on.

Hermes, don't press that button! Okay.

The hell it was. It was a Juicy Couture.

Fry, help, let me in. (YAWNING) Bender? What are you doing? It's 3:00 a.m. I don't care if it's 3:00 p.m. Open up and hide me!

Yes! He chose me. He's trying to kill me. Leela, I'm so happy. Oh, thanks, Bender. Hey, too tight, too tight!

Ah, buck up, meat loaf. Bender'll take you out tonight and cheer you up. What do you wanna do? And I mean anything. You have the power. Name it, and I'm there. You the man! Well, okay. Let's go bowling. Nah.

What? Then how come you always scream so much when you're in danger? I never said I wasn't a drama queen.

Please don't stop playing, Fry. I want to hear how it ends.

Sure, let me just... Whoa. WOMAN'S VOICE: First click the license agreement, dearie. I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty.

I'm blowing you a kiss! Mwah! Aaah! Take evasive action! It's closing in. You can't avoid it. It's a cheek-seeker. And... gotcha! No-o-o! Aaah!

Let's storm the place, without my prior knowledge. Comin' through. Freedom train. Step aside. You, too, fatso. Freedom! Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You may even find the image of it... festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to freedom of expression...

Well, not that shocked. I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all-- Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well, you can go rot for all I care. Nah, I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Stop it, you hero! Reverse-time power! (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) It's earlier now. (MIMICKING KISSING)

Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry

Come back to bed, dearie.

I gotta get up five times a night to play Xbox. I understand.

You vile racist. Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault.

See? Nothin'. Told you, losers! Wait. There on the screen. It's that guy you are! I'm sleepwalkin'.

Bender, what happened? Somebody tried to run me over and not with a normal hover car. It crept along the ground on round rubber feet like a wolf. Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little. I forget how it works with you.

There it is-- The Near Death Star.

Not often though. Mmm.

Well, see you guys tomorrow! I'm going home, by myself, as is normal for me. Have a good night, Leela! I won't see you again until the morning. Goodbye. Goodbye now. Yeah, see you later, chumps. Okay, everybody, see you tomorrow. Good night, everyone! Professor, you live here. Where are you going?

Yah! Also, I got this goin'. Listen up, New New York!

Please stop crying, Fry. Here. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog... to toy with my emotions. Ah, what have I done? You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up.

I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza. One pie, nothing good on it. Name?

Change places! Bender, I can't take much more of this. I want outta here!

Due to a programming error Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty. If he catches you after dark he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors. Nice meeting you.

Hermes, don't press that button! Okay.

We brought a chocolate cake, but now I'm worried that might be offensive in some way.

Is there nothing in the future worth saving? Mmm, Leela. But she doesn't think much of me. Ah. She must be the other. Wh-Wha-- You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Virgon 6.

If that is Bender, I guess he's just happier in his new life. I refuse to believe anyone is happy!

We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message.

MALE VOICE: The time is 4:00 a.m.!

- Permission to come aboard, Wiggles? - Granted. We can't take off without our captain.

it's Wailing Fungus with Shut Up and Love Me. (ROCK SONG PLAYING) Shut up and love me Shut up and love me

You folks watch your genitals now.

Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry Be Happy Uh, were you just singing? No. I was tellin' you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing. Court order.

Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful. The last thing I remember, I was dying in an explosion. Yet, here I am in the flesh, more alive than ever.

And this, my friends, is the L-unit I just removed from the ship. That doesn't look like an "L" at all, unless you count lowercase. - You know we don't! - Ooh!

Possibly this thing. (POWER SURGING) Whoo! I've never felt so energetic! (SCATTING) That's because the doomsday device I shoved all up in you puts out 50 gigawatts. That's 10 times your recommended...

Killed a duplicate instead of me (ALL EXCLAIMING) Now, that's what I call a great ending. I made a copy of myself and Big Caboose killed him. But you said making a copy of yourself would be a lousy ending. No, duplicate me said that.

Girls of Planet Express calendar. FRY: Girlie calendar? Great idea, Amy.

I don't even know who this guy is. I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Yes, of course you are. Now, we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express. I'm on break.

And I can't take life anymore!

(SNIFFS) Why isn't Leela back yet? Do you think she's okay? How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feeling a little neglected here. Oh. Sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Shut up.

Uh, yeah, it's definitely big, all right. I just wonder if it's too big, you know?

Oh, it's just a flying saucer. Excuse me. You can't park here. The parking area is over there.

You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list. Well, check it twice. I perform over 50 megachecks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings. But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present.

Oh, I'm scared! My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant. They must be in here. Yeah, capture them! And then Bender ran. Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet.

Irie, Professor! Behold, my mutant atomic supermen! They're only a foot high, Professor. Well, they're still young-- mere atomic superboys, really. We'll need to speed up their growth...

(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, God. I ruined everything. I blew my one chance to... Hey, wait a second. Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wait. Allow me.

Oh, God! I'll never make it this time! This is the end! Anyway, we like it here. Like you have a choice. So, what's your problem? Not enough-- Duh-- Memory? Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face.

Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist? Usually, but not at the moment. I only ask 'cause the Oracle thinks you're going to pull off a major theft next Thursday. Next Thursday, you say? Pray, continue. Are you familiar with this particular location? I may have a burgling familiarity with it.

Wow. Nice tube. Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?

Everyone we invited is here. Also Zoidberg. So let's open the gifts.

Kif, return fire and the cake. Our weapons are disabled, and you can't return ice cream cakes! We're doomed!

You drank our emperor! You assassinated him! I didn't mean to. He just looked so cool and refreshing. I'm sure he was. But now he's gone, and your fate is sealed.

Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor!

Now I get it! Ow! Well, that's all for today. But before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times.

Zoidberg, show some respect.

The Clone-O-Mat is ready. Yea! Whoo-hoo! Finally! Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session.

All right. I'll take the Red Rocket. (FRUSTRATED CRY)

Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

You're a credit to my race. It was nothing. I-- Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a-- a-- A squid? A human! Oh, my God! - I'm a human! - Also good.

Fry, you're my friend.

I really ought to do something. But I am already in my pajamas.

See? Nothin'. Told you, losers! Wait. There on the screen. It's that guy you are!

Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now. Oh, Lord. I wish I could go with you, pal. Me, too. I'll need a butler. Bender, we have to go.

Fry? He went to get you a burrito at the gas station. Awesome. You got to love a dude that brings the munchie. Fry is one guy I'd definitely never abandon. (CHUCKLING) Oh!

By my calculations, this head trip will last at most 24 hours. We need to stop that monster, David Farnsworth!

You did it all backwards.

Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine-meshed screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all. Great. We're gonna die. And this ham gum is all bones.

You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock.

So I says, "Supercollider? I just met her."

But this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting, like sleep with your own grandmother. I wouldn't want to do that again.

A boil kinna have a name? They also said a boil kinna sing, but... Amazing grace How... (SCREAMS) Ew! She's Scottish.

This is Walter Cronkite saying "I told you so." Sacred boar of Western and Eastern Samoa, we got to secure for Santa's arrival. just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show.

Why does that year sound so familiar? Because that's the year that's this year! See?

(GASPS) Fry did it? Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You.

Is that better?

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) (ALL CRY OUT)

So who's that weird-looking guy? That's a human. What's he do? Usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves. Boring.

I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along, Leela was as lonely as a frog. I could kick myself. I'll do it for you. Ow! Thanks. You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a Cyclops. Fry's over there, mon.

Turn back, Bender! Turn back or else! Or else what? Or else that. Nice try, flame bag, but now you're trapped here with me for the next billion years. I've saved the entire world!

(YELLING) What a dramatic scene, Linda. The heroic robot, with no concern for his own safety, has bravely charged back into the mine. What else is on? (SWITCHES TV CHANNEL) (GRUNTS)

You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge by ratcheting superconducting wire down into... (SNEEZES) Sorry. Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay. Nay. Hell, nay.

(GASPING) The printer. Oh! I must have left the wireless connection to your folk song directory open. Everything you wrote in the song got routed straight to the 3-D printer. Big Caboose, duplicate Fry, even Cookie, the crusty, comically inept geological surveyor,

and I'd appreciate it if as many people as possible could know about it. Now can we get some privacy? (MOTOR WHIRRING) (BENDER CHUCKLING) (BEEPING) BENDER: Oh, yeah! Back it on up.

I'm scared to death! (LAUGHING EVILLY) Stop being ridiculous. There's no such thing as whatever you're saying. Ow, ow, ow! Whoa, maybe you're right. I only meant to slap you twice. All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. Who you gonna call? Gho...

It's getting late. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create. Better cover your nads. It may get a little non-Newtonian in here.

No cheap crack houses for me no more! Very good, sir. Shall I prewarm sir's crack pipe? Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you to rent this paddleplane...

Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Blech! We have to track down my nose... before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?

All right. At an average of 2 1/4 percent interest over a period of 1,000 years that comes to... $4.3 billion.

Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what people want to hear when they first wake up. Bathroom's that way.

I don't care 'cause the master's gone away

Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with.

Oh, yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape.

Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No glove, no love."

I can stimulate my intellect without further thermodynamical disruption. I miss the old, illiterate Bender. What's happened to you, mon? I thought you liked beer and knock-knock jokes. I'm processing so fast, it's like I can anticipate that the ceiling fan's gonna fall and knock Zoidberg unconscious. Wrong, Mr. Genius.

I thought I could just step back into my old life. But it seems the world got on fine without me. Maybe even a little bit better. (WHIMPERING) (BEEPING) The name Calculon used to mean something. Now it's a stain that will never wash clean.

Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.

As soon as someone reaches a million followers, I'll use them to transmit the twit-worm. Mother, you devious hag. Tell us more about this twit-worm. It's a very special computer virus,

Go to hell, Heather! Oh. In small doses, botulism toxin tightens and tones the facial muscles... instead of killing you in the most horrible fashion imaginable. Give me back my floppy face!

Turn around! We've gotta go back for Bender! Impossible! The supernova time hole is closing. If we don't leave now, we'll never get back to the 31st century.

No, don't be. It turns out you were an inspiration after all. I was? Uh-huh. You were so awful that women everywhere set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you. You know, like a pig or somethin'. Oh, that's so kind of you. I guess I made a difference after all. You absolutely did, Leela.

(CHUCKLING) (GRUNTING)

Yeah! Then knock yourself out.

Yeah, if you're an idiot. Three, two, one. All systems go. Blast off! See you at din-din.

It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm heinie.

Oh, g-give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places. Yeah, they get around. But I'm afraid we had a deal. Oh, looks like I wasted a bus trip. Yes, you did.

You were like a machine. But I... Olive you. It's me, Fry! It sure is.

(ALL GASPING) We thought we were so smart with our science and dancing. But look at us now, at Gigatron's mercy! The shame is too great. It's time to end this. (GRUNTING) Zoidberg, stop! We're too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death.

Oh, no. Wait! I'm gonna get trapped in the Info-Sphere again! just remember that Scooty-Puff jr. sucks! In a thousand years, I'll get right on it.

Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it. For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting, finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! You, boy. What do they call you? Most folks just call me Orange Joe.

I can't believe the Zookeeper is this late for his own heist. It's just... rude.

It's my first time. I'm really nervous. Robot House!

Hey, where's my shoes? (ALL GASPING) Fry? I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas? Trust me, don't ask. Okay, dork. Listen, I'm going to hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit... Hang on. It's time to sort things out.

It just keeps comin' and comin'.

Wait a minute. You're Bender. Of course. Who said I wasn't? But why were you wearing that scarf and the turtleneck and this fruity number? It's a little thing called style. Look it up sometime.

Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. Ah! Looks like someone forgot to feed Max. So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh? No, they fixed that 900 years ago.

These candies are chalky and unpleasant! And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"? Surely it says "love." No. "Wuv," with an Earth "W." Behold. This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

This thing is 40% chromium!

All right. I'll take the Red Rocket.

You. (GASPS) You're using my own words against me. Go to hell! (MOOING) Soon enough, but first, the killing. Have you noticed that animals are sometimes spooked by robot ghosts? So what? I hate animals. (MAKING SILLY SOUNDS)

Look, sweetie, I get it. You're jealous because Zapp likes me now and not you. But don't worry, this isn't a competition. Although he did say I'm a better kisser. I am not jealous. Also... Yuck!

Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone. Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to Earth. Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. Ow! Quit it, Earth. We won't even have to leave New New York.

Oh, no, it's just that ice cream truck that almost ran me over. (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Sorry, everyone, no luck yet. (YAWNS) And I could really use some coffee.

It's time to shut down nappster.com. Who's in charge of this dump? That'd be me. If you're an investor, you can dump your money in the hole there. Listen, you fat Internet nerd. Listening. Your company promotes wrong love.

Now, wouldn't it be nice if you had a pair of robot hands to replace them? Sure would. Oh, well, good-bye. Fry, you smelly idiot. I think he's willin' to make some kind of deal with the devil with you. H-H-He is? Great! Wait. What's the catch? No catch.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

So? Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? Uh... 80,000 years? No, one week. Damn. I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. Every emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're 1,000 years old? Your bio says you're 27. Lies! I change my identity and upgrade my appearance every few decades to avoid suspicion. I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny.

No! I'm talking about my ass! Huh! I never even knew you had an ass. (MUTTERING ANGRILY) Hmm. According to this, it shipped out on a freighter from South Street Spaceport.

For, in the end, nature is horrific, and teaches us nothing.

That's some primordial evil. This skell here buys stolen robots, strips 'em down, and sells the parts all over the galaxy. (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) Okay, I'm getting a signal from Bender's RoJack.

Eww! We constructed it from the remnants... of old discarded Macy's Parade balloons-- Underdog's groin, Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin, Garfield's owner jon's forehead. Fire up the sewer gas!

I think he's hiding something and I'm going to find out what it is. Try and stop me.

Fry, it doesn't mean anything.

NARRATOR: Enclosed as a PDF attachment, a picture of yourself, in a boat, on a river. It's a river that flows in two directions. Make that three. It's a magic river, that's how. And it's flowing down the eerie canal to The Scary Door. That's "eerie" with two E's.

From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! "It was just Bender's programming!" Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty! Bailiffs, get that innocent robot out of my courtroom. Guilty!

Oh. Now I'm really outraged. Where did you requisition this party? And, Zoidberg, what are you doing here? I'm networking. Let me give you my card.

Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it! All right, I'm coming.

Uh... Not bad. A hint of Vitalis and... Whoa!

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots. Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of jesus.

Of course! You don't have friends! Yeah! Why do these popular kids consider you cool all of a sudden? Um, we're just cool is all. Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's cool using the Coolometer.

You stink, loser! Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. Come on!

Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonight. Across the galaxy, my people are completing the mighty space fleet... that will exterminate the human race!

Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. Come on!

Now hold out your hand. I'm going to implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. Keep that thing away from me.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Party on, Slurms. Party on, contest winners. Party on.

The bicker sisters teaming up? Talk about cat women on the moon. (BOTH YOWL) Okay, enough of that already. We're not really fighting. Then prove it. By fighting. All right, we will. Come on, Amy. Why don't you and I ever do things together?

I changed my mind!

I will destroy you! And stop calling me. I am Destructor's trainer, Master Funog. My pupil will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior. Not Funog! Bender, let's hit the gym.

You got it. Right after these 800 people get it. (CHATTERING) Beer, beer-beer, beer, beer. - (FANFARE PLAYING) - Beer? Ah... yeah! Thank you, Headless Clone of Agnew. My fellow Earthicans,

I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. So Leela's in your body?

So, y'all flew here in a spacey ship?

It's no use. We were going full speed when we fired him. So he's going even faster than that! You mean, we can never catch up to him? Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?

Why can't you accept his help? I hate him! But he's just a tool to make your life easier, like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit. I can't ask for his help because-- Yes? I'm scared of him.

(MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) Hand magnet power! (CLICKS TONGUE) Yay! I'm unbuckled! (CLICKS TONGUE) Stop it, you hero! Reverse-time power! (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) It's earlier now. (MIMICKING KISSING)

Guys, guys, it's me, Bender. (ALL GASP) He's alive! So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father.

Ladies and gentlemen, Homo Farnsworth. Once again, science saves the day. The end. And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

I'll miss ya, meat bag. Me too, meat bag. Good-bye, friends. I never thought I would die like this, but I'd always really hoped.

I don't need your charity! Target Robot 1-X, and fire!

Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff. Hurry up. I want to see the Moon. Relax, it's open till 9:00.

Oh! I like your nerd glasses. Are you a college student? A college student? (LAUGHING) Because if you are, I'd like to invite you to a hot sorority party tonight. Yes, I'd like to enroll in college. You're still talking to me.

Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! In very short order, Leela has become a fan favorite. Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Uuh!

(LAUGHING) It's funny because it's mean.

Here's something. It looks like a ditch full of fried shrimp. What are you? Blind? It looks more like a hole full of fried prawns. Hmm, this thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.

(SNORING) Scare Fry to death? Ha! I could do that in my sleep. Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo! What are you? Deaf? Whoo! Whoo! (BOTH SNORING)

(SHIVERING) It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off. (SCOFFS) You don't know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier, eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid. (GROANS) Let's just get inside the shack.

I met a fabulous girl and we're engaged to be hitched. That's great, Caboose. Come on in and set a spell. No time. I got someplace to be. See you soon, honeybunch. Okay, dumpling.

Lady and gentleman, how 'bout a hand for my temporary replacement assistant? I was all in this part. It's magic. You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard! Stop!

Here at his gravesite, loyal fans have turned out by the several to pay tribute to the legendary ham. What brings you two here today? We came to honor Calculon's memory. Ever since he died, All My Circuits is terrible. It's not even worth watching anymore. (GASPS) Fry! All My Circuits is on in three minutes! What? We got to get home!

Ah, yes, foxhunting. If there's one thing I know, it's everything about it. What's that weird cat? (SIGHS) This is the fox we'll be hunting today.

Five, four, three, two--

That's my joke. I'll kill you! Oh!

Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? I never stop to think about it. Leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. You a big dummy! Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Tonight, we eat gee-ooh-wacka-mole by the El Rio." That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are-- you will never work on my show! Yea! Bender! We demand Bender! However, you've got the job.

Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela?

On the fourth day of Xmas, I stole from that lady Four family photos Three jars of pennies Two former husbands And a slipper on a shoe tree Yep! Oh, thank you. Help! Somebody help us! It's humans.

Oh, Calculon, it's so good to get away from the city... and that beastly yet intriguing Bender. Whoo! And try this, kids at home!

Man, I can't wait to tell everyone what happened. Uh, yes. Incidentally, I need to remain undercover, so I'm blanking your memory. Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second? Oh, well, let's go home, you dumb poop machine.

I love you, buddy.

(SHRIEKING) A giant sausage!

You mean like... Bender! Shh! We have to be careful not to remind her! What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend, and now he's dead! (SOBBING) Nah, I'm just kidding. My pastor helped me through my grief.

Oy. I lost another one.

Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that. Maybe he'll die if I rub him all over with it, real slow. (GRUNTING) (WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics!

Look into your hard drive and open your "mercy" file. File not found. Let that be a warning to you.

Let's take him out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3-- Thanks a lot, Takei! Now everybody knows!

Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy? Bam!

Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up. Sorry, not with that attitude. Okay, then screw it. Welcome aboard, brother! All right! You're out.

It's time to take action.

Don't worry, it gets wider after about a mile. Idiot. Idiot. Okay, okay, never mind.

To the ship! Which ship? Leela's! It's safer. Safety kills. We got to move!

Futurama is brought to you by: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth. One, two! one, two, three!

Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love... a computerized image of a gorgeous celebrity, which, it turns out, is a lot. Oh, Fry. I love you more than the moon and the stars and the-- Poetic image number 37 not found.

Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor. Ooh, a can!

Careful. This is the most valuable thing we've ever delivered. Oh! (EXCLAIMS)

You could have saved a robot, but instead, you saved a human. Do you think human life is more precious than robot life? No, no. Well, yes, actually. (GASPS) That's it. I'm killing myself. Oh, lord. Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself,

Take them to the laundry brig.

Are you still half insane P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets But the years went by and Pharaoh died Susie went and joined him in the afterlife--

This is it, the moment we should have trained for.

The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air. Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air. Then, he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?

(SHRIEKS) You call that an ink defense? (EXCLAIMS) Goodbye, friends.

Ah, Fry! I'll miss you! Y'all come back, now, you hear?

Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X. Oh, yeah. We were totally in sync. I was like, "Save them!" And he was all, "No problem." And then he did it. His new technology is great. I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends.

But can I "ax" you something?

I have combined the D.N.A. of the world's most evil animals... to make the most evil creature of them all. It turns out it's man.

So, what do you say, RD? Shall I dazzle the damned with a command performance of my one-man show? Oh, God! Haven't they suffered enough? (ROBOTS SCREAMING)

Fry? How'd you find me? I used the Find My Robot app. BENDER: Neat. What was it, 99 cents? No, free. But it's got ads on it. That seems fair. Look, Bender, I'm sorry for doubting you. I realize now that you're a true hero, not a glory seeking arsonist. How'd you figure it out?

Me fat. No. You look good. Tonk fat. Intruder! Stay away from the mighty Femputer. Guards!

Eyesight is for chumps. Their desire to keep living shows me no respect. Hey, Blotto, roll down the window and start shooting. Um-- Oh, uh--

Uh... uh, listen, Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?

These letters are real butt nutters. Listen to this one. "Dear Santa--" Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun... really tore up my insides.

Now he's flushed himself down the toilet? Who's he going to flush next? Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad. You're right. I feel terrible. Oh, great. Now you're making him feel worse.

Direct your pity now to the African turtles, seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland. That poor turtle.

Good, now let me just get the lights. I really like it.

Calculon? Yes? Are you done talking, or is this a long pause? I'm done talking. Okay, that's what I thought.

Hurry, Bender. I could if you dropped the stupid gold violin. Oh, sorry.

Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual. Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just tryin' to get through a difficult time using humor. Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks. Help me! For God's sake, help me! Oh, don't worry, Fry.

Hey, that's my watch. I was wondering where I put that. Hey! Now I feel much better. Thanks, Professor and, Amy-- Sorry I took your watch.

My bones! Oh, my God! His bone-itis! I was so busy bein' an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it! My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) The pee-babies peed themselves.

I'm acting astonished.

There are many good reasons to eat: hunger, boredom wanting to be the world's fattest man but not revenge.

Now I'm all you got!

Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings. And now, to make sure you won't talk... I'm going to have to do something really impulsive. So, Fry... what do you think of the impulsive new me?

All right, enough of this.

(ELECTRIC BLEEP) (SCREAMING)

You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000. Yeah, but in the year 3000 I had it all: several friends, a low-paying job a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man. But you wrecked everything.

No! According to this gizmometer, Fry is dead and nothing can bring him back. Remarkable! But... my dream. Your science can't unprove that. How could I have known the gift was in Fry's locker? Easy. He told you about it before he died, and your grief-roasted mind blocked it out.

(GROANING LOUDLY) It was just after we crashed. I awoke first, to find you trapped. Leela! Leela, wake up.

Not physically but why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela? I tried to run you over? It was very sweet of you, Bender. Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two. Words, nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears. Enough with the feelings, you two.

Sounds like your kind of place, Fry. Want to go? Nah. If I ever want to go back to the year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again. Come on, Fry. I really wanna see it. You know how I yearn for a simpler time... a time of barn dances and buggy rides before life was cheapened by heartless, high-tech machines.

Yeesh. That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps. You remind me of my old friend Bender. Yeah? Where does he safely live? I don't know. Hey, you want to come to my house and play? Yeah, sounds like freakin' fun. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I thank Leela for the D.N.A. she gave me, but in my species, the true parent is the one who inspired the initial feeling of love. We call that person the "Smizmarr," and my Smizmarr is Amy. So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something?

Get your mind out of the gutter! What about in the gutter? Professor, there's nothing wrong with robosexuality. Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults. Or one. Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay as long as my parents don't find out. (SPEAKS CANTONESE)

Ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Safe.

Hey, there's my little space heater.

All right, buddy, we want secrets! And they'd better be ancient!

(BEEPING) It's over, Jezebel. Grab your things and get out. I didn't bring any things.

Pay dirt! Hyah! Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.

It takes more than that to surprise me. Bender. (YELLS) What you doing, little buddy? Ah, yeah, Uncle Bender, he's your friend. (GROWLING) (SCREAMS) Huh?

My life is over. No, it isn't. You have another ten years left. Leela, he could live another hundred years. No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet,

Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird? Zoidbee want balloon. Want balloon now! Zoidbee want go outside! Ah, I just let you back in!

Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling... you're only goin' with girls 'cause you're supposed to?

Excuse me for a moment. (SHOUTING) No!

And not one of those bogus, everyday miracles, like a sunrise.

Another year, another generation of pups fathered by me, Beachmaster. (ALL LAUGHING QUIETLY) I'm the greatest, baby! You go, Beachmaster!

Technology is defeated! Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks! Yes! Hooray! I'm for that. Whoa. Whoa. No one wants to count rocks more than me, but our mission is not complete-- not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority.

Come over here.

Okay, then screw it. Welcome aboard, brother! All right! You're out.

Pharaoh, my god king You are cold and deceased Are you still half insane

Nope. Uh-uh. Ew! Now, look. This is the nose we want. Did you sell it to somebody? I'm sorry, sir, but due to the perverted nature of our business, customer records are strictly confidential. Right this way.

Party on, Slurms. Party on, contest winners. Party on.

El Chupanibre. El Chupanibre? What's that? Gather 'round, children for the legend of El Chupanibre. He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush

Fresh-killed bait. (CHOKING) (SHIVERS) Can we get inside the shack? I'm wearing a belly parka.

Conquering things, I guess. I could conquer Earth, kill all humans. That's a thought. No! We don't need a war of the worlds. That's it! We need a war of the worlds!

Of course he still exists-- as a frozen corpse in outer space. Oh, I made myself sad.

My love! You made it! You overcame salmon instinct and left your home stream for me!

But I was captured and imprisoned. Fools! Then you arrived and provided me a means of escape. Get to the point, flame-o. If I can't rule the sun, I shall ignite your planet and rule here instead.

Give it up, Fry. I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.

Why are you trying to talk to me? I have no idea. You just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. Fry, that doesn't make sense. Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense... but okay. Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin. You seem malnourished.

I'm leaving you.

Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates. Puny human number one, puny human number two, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon. Hello, Morbo. How's the family? Belligerent and numerous.

Let's go already!

Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger... until we suffer a fate worse than death-- pre-life! Then death.

I'm gonna drop a barf.

(ALL CHEER) Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead.

And the winner is Nerdgasma! Whoo! I got fruit boobs! (CHEERING) (SIGHS) What's the use?

These boys must have hero in their bones. And you, ma'am, must have heroine in your veins.

Yeah, she sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away. Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling... you're only goin' with girls 'cause you're supposed to? What? Don't ever, ever say or think that again! Please, just concentrate on staying alive.

Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous!

Oh. I don't want to go through that. I want you to kill me.

(FIRING) (SCREAMS) Go, me!

I don't know, Bender. You got to admit, the pattern of fires is suspicious, being a perfect shape and all. We can't have an arsonist in our midst. We can have four idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonists. Now clean out your locker and beat it!

Far out. So there's an infinite number of parallel universes? No. Just the two. Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough. I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me.

We were defeated in battle.

Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life. She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-- Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy! Metal fever! Well, so what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody.

Wait. Who's the trigger-happy jerk? (GASPS) That's me! I recognize the face. (CRY OF PAIN) You shot me! You miserable dingus! No! No! What have I will have done?

Man, the future is a total craphole, and whoever lives here is a crap-faced sack of crap! No offense, fellas. Don't sweat it, man. (SIGHS) I'll never see Leela again.

Whoo! I'll just cut that... You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.

English? You must be a terrestrial from that Earth ship they were hunting. Don't worry, I won't hurt you. Hey, thanks. You want some candy? Ew. You were eating my turds? Feces pieces? Blech! You must be hungry. Really hungry.

Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember. Ow! Smeesh, Professor.

So you set all those fires. You framed me! You're huffin' for a snuffin', boy! (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Foolish robot. No power on Earth can extinguish me! Oh, yeah? Let's see how you stand up to pure grain alcohol!

Stop eating Popplers! They can talk! Don't stop to talk. Eat Popplers!

1947 can kiss my shiny metal--

Kiff, we have a conundrum.

Poetic image number 37 not found.

I didn't hurt you, did I?

The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet. New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to bury its never-ending output of garbage.

Hey, just 'cause he's your boyfriend doesn't mean you get him all to yourself. He's mine! There's nothing more to talk about. No, no, keep talking. Amy, I hope I'm not out of line, but... Shut up, Kif. How dare you talk that way to my Kif?

No! According to this gizmometer, Fry is dead and nothing can bring him back. Remarkable!

A sexy mistake.

And what's that? Candy? Candy's for dorks. Give me that. Mm, mm, mmm!

Oh, my, yes! Speaking of which, my story petered out without me learning a lesson. There he is! All right! Closure! Oww!

Sorry, but we're totally sealed in. Nothing can get in or out... except millions of snakes. Here, have a pomegranate schnapps from my private distillery... and start sharing fond memories of me, Bender. What proof is this-- some huge number?

No, you only "dreamed" you were in the year 3000.

Mercy me, what a day. Could you shut the door, igner, dear? I think I feel a draft coming on.

I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.

just remember that Scooty-Puff jr. sucks! In a thousand years, I'll get right on it. And so, a thousand years later, fry once again infiltrated the Info-Sphere and set off his amazing bomb. Only this time--

How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions? (ALL GASPING) I'm awake, I'm awake! Order, order! Counselor, I am a robot myself. Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed...

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Do the Bender! Do the Bender! No, thank you. I said, do it!

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah!

Greetings. It's A... Pleasure to meet you. And our summer intern, Deep Blue the world's foremost chess-playing computer. Bishop to knight four. Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that. Where am I, anyway?

Why does Ross, the largest "Friend," not simply eat the other five? Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.

I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me? It's 8:00, time to get busy. I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.

Nine. Ten. A big fat hen.

Request for explanation of incident meeting. Number one point zero. Number one point zero.

I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're just a carbon-based life-form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium.

He was only about 20 yards from here. Madam, I am in command now. Such a man.

That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc. Besides, I'm not on trial here. That's true. You're on trial in Courtroom Three. You are charged with two counts of burgle-arson-arceny. How do you plead? Not inno-guilty-cent.

Whoo! Dup Dubbity dup dup! Dup duppup dup! Two, three! One, two! One two, three! Oh, my! Here we go, y'all! Zoidberg, Zoidberg z-z-z-z-zoidberg This is a story about all my friends.

(FIRING) I'll have to re-edit the program. Rose Mary, have we got any type of machinery to edit tape? ROSE MARY: Oh, you know we do. Time for Dickie to get tricky. (MUSIC PLAYS)

Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall, I would rate it a "C"-plus. Okay; not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet but neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality. Way to overact, Zoidberg.

Then how 'bout this little number? Purebred human. - No vampire in there. - Uh-- Mm-- - Hmm. Well, uh-- If you're strapped for cash, you might want to consider this irregular unit. Cursed with a third ear, but so full of that emotion... I understand is called "love."

And we need you back on TV so we can watch and not talk to each other. Our friendship depends on it! Your voice is so annoying! You always leave the toilet seat crushed! See?

Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my... or someone else's imagination? No. Get out. Next?

Grunka lunka dunkity darmed-guards... Shut the hell up!

Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile.

Sometimes when we're mad We say words that are bad And "poo-poo" and "pee-pee" and "penis" and "gay"

Those are some of my diary pages. And my screenplay! And also, for some reason, the letter I wrote you full of my personal feelings. Oh, I'm scared! My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant. They must be in here. Yeah, capture them! And then Bender ran.

Interesting. Apparently, the key difference between our universes... is that coin flips have opposite outcomes. That explains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish-- fog hat gray. Hey, bite my glorious golden ass! You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home.

Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam! Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome! It's not ironic. It's just coincidental.

Ooh! Yeah. Come on, baby. Ooh! Unh! Come on. Yeah. Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen! We'll have to shoot it again. No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. But this guy Was-- Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer.

Whoa! Hey! Okay, Clamps, now. Oh, that's gotta clamp! Flexo, are-are you okay? Yeah. Never better. Nah, I'm yankin' your chain. I'm dyin'.

The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get a "Amen"? I'll take a-three-men. Holla!

So? I'm already super strong. And my arms do this. Yah! Also, I got this goin'.

That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.

I videotape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmail them later. Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think? Here's the weirdo who bought your horn. That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

One more sudden shock will kill you. Sudden? That's just the kind of one more shock I was planning. (BEEPING ACCELERATING) The machines, they're after me. You're suffering from machine phobia. Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed.

I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined. Man, you are such a jokester. I'll never have another moment of happiness.

Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

Get a job, you lazy kids.

What the hell is that?

He's walking on sunshine now. This makes me the oldest member of my family.

Now, that's more like it. Always leave them wanting more. That's the secret. Ah! So, what do you say, RD? Shall I dazzle the damned with a command performance of my one-man show? Oh, God! Haven't they suffered enough? (ROBOTS SCREAMING)

Whoo! I'm killin' dudes in my sleep! Yo! Clean up!

Do you have any idea what a burden it is to know everything that will ever happen? To never be surprised. To know the punch line of every joke hours in advance.

Now if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver... Wait. What fiddle contest? Uh... the fairness in hell act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul.

It contains a parallel universe. And when you create a parallel universe, it's almost always populated by evil twins.

After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men.

Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time. Yeah, yeah.

Professor, you did it. You solved the problem that baffled Einstein and drove Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice actor.

I'm scared of him.

(SCREAMING) (LOUD SLAMMING)

BENDER: Three, two, one. Hang on Fry, I'm a-comin' to save you! You are my hero. Shut up, Fry, I know it.

Led by a bending unit named B.B. Rodriguez. (CACKLING) BENDER: Wait... I know a robot named B.B. Rodriguez!

Aw, calm down. I'm sure Bender is taking this just as hard as you are. Bender is great! Oh, Bender is great! Bender, Bender, Bender! You could've picked a better time to dump the ship, Bender. Eh, the moment seemed right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

You know what, Fry? I don't care... if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now. Then I am the most important person in the universe. Yes!

What did you do now? Stop doing things.

No! Don't open that coffin. It's ticking. I have to, Alex. That coffin's not going to open itself. Bleh!

Ugh. Out. Yeah! Yay! What just happened? Why is the ball on that sproingy thing? It's traditional, just like aluminum bats and the seventh-inning grope.

Hey, I'm Elzar. Welcome to the show. You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're going to kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouthwatering Neptunian slug. Whoo-whee! Now, while you're greasing the pan

(LAUGHING) (GROWLING) I wish I had more living relatives.

- When do you want it? - Fry's dog! Yea! I will now perform my people's native dance. Do the hustle It says here that "this part of the Hustle implores the gods...

That's it. I'll take you on right now. Very well, but you see, I have the will of the warrior.

I've gone too far! Who does that guy think I am!

Ahh. Amy, what I'm trying to say is I think maybe you and I should stop-- Oh-oh. Here, you drive.

Yeah, but it'll never bring back my Martini. Well, who wants a Martini? Good work, everyone.

Why? Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you. What is the matter with you? I just wanted to be part of the moment. - Hey! He stole my ring. - Sorry.

Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade. But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain. Exactly. (ALL GASPING)

You can drink with me, maybe? I don't feel like drinking. Then if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli... that only has two shoe prints on it. Three.

Parapets, battlements, everything my Big Book of Castles promised. I'm gonna sneak a closer look. Bender, you'll let me know if we have to cheese it, right? First law of robotics, baby.

(SNARLS) Is it safe to come... (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAMING)

I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West. (LAUGHS) Billy West? What a stupid, phony, made-up name. You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag-burning. Y'all wanna stay for supper? Well, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex on a burning flag, but I could have a bite.

Ah. So quiet, so peaceful. Time to lower my guard even for a minute. (SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack.

Isn't there any room for promotion around here? There'll be no promotions unless somebody dies. And even then, only if we can't bring them back as a zombie, like Scruffy. Life and death are a seamless continuum. Well, could I at least get some encouragement?

There's the atom! Aw, geez. Bender? You stole the atom? Yeah, but I can explain. It's very valuable. I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker. Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender?

Look, Daddy. I'm hugging God. Mm. Mm. Maybe if I hug him real hard, he'll save us from-- Oh, it tickles! Oh, uh-- Aw, oh.

Now, then, if Leela gets eaten I get eaten! Little one, get out of there! I'm going to count to blarks. But elder one... Flingle, glorg, glorg-and-a-gloob... Hear me out!

I should hold these while he's gone. Moron!

"A" is for a...

I can hit it with a shovel. That's not good enough. This one time, I pounded a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel. Yes, yes.

Uh-- Geez, don't get upset. I mean, okay, I outwitted you, but--

Ooh! Oh, baby! Mmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered bones. Wow, Nude hot tubbing? That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day.

Bender's been down there too long. I'm going in after him. Professor! Lava! Hot! This is all my fault.

What? All right, boss. Give the word, and I'll drop this unbendable girder-- clamp, clamp, ka-bamp! Remember, only kill the one with the beard. That other filthy scab, we got nothin' against.

David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter. He conspired to bring down our nation with his fraudulent currency! A Farnsworth did this? Oh, dear! My good name is ruined!

See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy hell-- much nicer.

Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be, when it belongs to my best friend.

if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star. Of course. Tell me about the project. It's a movie. - Interesting. Tell me more. - Get this. For a scant one-million-dollar investment, you can be the star. And?

We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another. And it led there again when we got home. Congratulations, Fry. You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich.

Congratulations, Fry. You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich. She's probably got other characteristics.

Uh-oh, jealousy. You think you're so hot! Wha...?! The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp. They're just responding to my personality.

you blathering ninnyhammer. Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with. Why? 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters,

That just raises further questions.

You sound just like my tennis instructor.

What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die!

Bort. Of eating right we are very fond when we eat together on Purpleberry Pond (READING TEXT ALOUD)

(SHIP CREAKING) Unsit me, Mr. Conrad. We can't let the whale win. You're all too weak. I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew. Understood? You've gone mad, Captain.

Why does Ross, the largest "Friend," not simply eat the other five?

With all spaceships inoperable, we only need one spaceship pilot.

C-SPAN9 presents the Thrill of Politics.

Banditos, eh? Ah, this is great, 'cause I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent. "I will say adee-oos, Pad-ree. "Come, jesus, my faithful chi-hoo-you-a. Tonight, we eat gee-ooh-wacka-mole by the El Rio."

Wow, you're good.

I'm paying them. Gather around, gang. Here are your paychecks. I can finally afford my speech therapy. And the health plan covers my generic Prozac. Electricity, plumbing, our lives are a jillion times better.

A dog collar for me? You shouldn't have!

Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.

By current academic standards you're merely a high school dropout. What?! That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God, I'm going to enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again. You won't last two weeks. Ah, thanks for believing in me.

There it is Looking weird I almost had that tiara.

Oh, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard. Let me show you the bedroom.

There were no survivors.

pre-life! Then death.

We must leave now, for we are needed elsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed.

Yeah, I do it all. Clamping, crimping, occasional snipping.

You seem a tad wound up, buddy.

You know what these would go great with? Rocks.

You got any, um, you know, um-- Speak up. You're muttering. I said, uh, human horn? You're not a cop, right? Oh, no. I'm just some guy. Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!

Look, Bender. It's Patch Cord Adams. He heals with the power of laughter. Come on. Take it. What's the matter? Can't move your arms? Obviously not, or I'd be strangling you right now. Hey, here's a giggle.

I won't be gone long, Seymour. just wait here till I come back.

i'm Walking On Sunshine oh-oh-oh...

Bender, are you all right? No. Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.

I'll take care of this. Bender, do something. I'm too scared. Leela, your "scaredness" is being transmitted straight to Bender. If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him.

Well, not that shocked. I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all-- Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well, you can go rot for all I care. Nah, I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

Ah, bathtub eggnog. just the way Grandma used to drink. Eww! It went sour! Can't I have a scented bath in peace? Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right? Yes, yes, yes!

just stay put and enjoy this calendar.

and they slide way across the room.

A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it.

Next up, in what is generously called "the talent competition"

(BELCHES) (GROANS) Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez.

Although, last time aliens invaded all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. Oh, yes.

Oh, Fry! Uh, wait! Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second. Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the professor's ear wax. Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with-- What the...?

I admire that. Oh, we'll kill them, all right. We got them heavily out-clamped. They won't know what clamped them! Wow, it's too bad you can't see, Leela 'cause there's a cool ship out there shooting at somebody. - Whoa! - Whoa! I'm taking evasive action.

Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah it was eventually made livable when the University was founded in 2636.

(CHANTING) (SCREAMS) And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot!

You vile racist. Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault.

Dearly beloved, it is with the great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

Oh, Fry, I want you to make a mer-woman out of mer-me.

You remember your own birth? Sure. It was only four years ago. You're only four years old? Precocious little scamp, ain't I?

Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you've got the heart of a robot.

Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. That's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks. - He big jerk like man. - I sure am, but check the crotch. Nothin'.

but, well, I really like you and whatever, but I think we should just be friends. No!

Anyway, we like it here. Like you have a choice. So, what's your problem? Not enough-- Duh-- Memory? Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face. Oh, God! No! I want to live!

In Mexico, I believe. And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten, and plenty of it. Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust fan. Pervert. Yoo-hoo!

Oh! I hate that rodent.

One art, please!

Here's to Amy, single, lonely and fabulous.

And look, you don't need an electric can opener to feed yourself. All you need is a trusty Swiss Army knife. Ow! I'm hungry.

Oh-ho! Oh. So while they're towing us you want to do it? Yeah. Yo-ho-ho-ho!

Miss Wong? No, Scruffy, I am Washbucket. I love you. Washbucket has always loved you. This is wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment.

Avast, mateys! Electronically transfer your space doubloons... afore I send thee to Davy jarg's Locker.

Ray-blocking power! (GASPS) (ALL GASPING) Fry!

We kept it gray. Sir, please. I must locate the disk with my friend's brain on it. Very well. But your bureaucratic license will be revoked if you fail to sort the master in-pile by closing time. 1:00 p.m. That's only four minutes from now.

In any case, I'm off.

Welshie? We did some musical reunion specials in the 2200s. But the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling. Ever since then, Welshie has been a welcome participant... in our escapades. Aye! I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here?

Whoa. A real-live robot. Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.

Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats. Professor Katz, would you mind... Miss Wong, I mind everything. You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge by ratcheting superconducting wire down into... (SNEEZES) Sorry.

beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.

Here. - These kids yours? - Yeah. Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility. That's me, baby. Let me just ditch the kids in an alley, and we can go have some fun. Daddy Bender? Son?

You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home.

for Earth! That's not Earth. Oh.

Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension... as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses. Like me! The culprits: shameless poachers... hunting humans without a permit. The valuable nose, or "human horn,"

(ALL BARKING) (EXPLOSION)

to stay in just long enough to make us our right ages again. Wheee! Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much, already! Help!

This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated. Bingo! That's Leela. Thank you, Professor. I'm happy Bender can finally feel my pain. Happy... I like this feeling. just don't revert to your usual mopey self. I'm not mopey. You shut up. Anger, huh?

Oh, boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.

Only 14.99 for a two-record set? Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing Scaz-Wag. Why, if she were here, I'd-- Uh-oh. Is she behind me? No, I'm in front of you. Morgan? It's 3:00 a.m. I know.

Heel, boy! Heel! Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy. That's nice. I was just out walkin' him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters.

You've been very naughty, Bender. What, me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid. My God, Bender, framing an orphan.

hid it in the coelacanth tank. No one but a crazy lobster would look there. It's gone! All hail, Zoidberg, the king with the box. Now it's my turn maybe?

Man, Bender and I used to love watching All My Circuits together. Now what are we supposed to do at the office instead of work? How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for. If we talk to each other any more than that, it'll ruin our friendship.

Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at 11:00. This is the news at 11:00. The mysterious and unexplained-- Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest-- Won three Grammys last night-- Found dead in her bathtub.

Maybe we should hire a delivery boy. You mean like... Bender! Shh! We have to be careful not to remind her! What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend, and now he's dead! (SOBBING) Nah, I'm just kidding. My pastor helped me through my grief.

Crap Spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot... and classify it as a light truck. Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the team. What a fool I was! If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot.

What do you stupid voters want now? What possible objection could you have to the G.I. Zapp cartoon? MAN: It's too violent. Oh! Very well. As leader of the free world, it is my solemn duty to put an end to cartoon violence.

Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela. COMPUTER: Analyzing. Analyzing. Checking my eBay bid. (BUZZER SOUNDING) Damn it! Analysis complete. Hey, I was nuzzling that.

Time and space are ripping apart at the seams.

- So they're tryin' to learn things? - Right. Those bastards!

If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kiff? Sex-lexia.

News of the mine's closing sent titanium prices skyrocketing. All right! I'm rich! What are you talking about? My body's 40% titanium. I'm finally richer than those snooty A.T.M. machines.

just when I thought I'd figured out you biological creatures, it's somethin' else! Let me at 'im! Get over here, Kif! Look. I'm sure we're all a little unclear... on how anyone gets pregnant, so, Kif, pray explain. And don't spare the dirty words where appropriate. Well, it's quite simple, really.

That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned. Let's all go to the lobby.

Look, I know he's ugly, and kind of corrosive, but we can't murder someone just 'cause he's hideous and annoying. That's what we said about Zoidberg, and look where that got us. Amy has a point. Mr. Peppy's not like Zoidberg. He's my friend. Aw...

I recommend the men's room at the TWA Terminal. (LAUGHING)

Ah, yes! john Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Mmm. It stinks.

Honey unit, I'm home. Monique! Calculon!

Don't you have a self-destruct button?

He's walking on sunshine now. This makes me the oldest member of my family. Him do good Snu-snu. - Ehh. - Hmm.

(LOW WHINING SOUND) (GASPS) He's alive. At least his butt is. (BENDER GRUNTING) Fry? Bender. I knew you wouldn't abandon me for much more than a week. What's happening? Why is his butt glowing?

In theory, it could work. Uh, in theory, perhaps but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous.

(TRUCK BEEPING) (HORN PLAYING FUNERAL MARCH) (TIRES SCREECHING) He did it! He actually did it this time.

(READING TEXT ALOUD)

It's not fair! In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart. Sure, but who's gonna do anything about it? Certainly not us. No, sir. Certainly yes us. Uh-huh, sir. We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember. Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard.

What's the point? Bender, no! Suicide isn't necessarily the answer. It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth. They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cell phone around.

So now Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body. You aren't, are you? Of course not! But I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do? A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.

To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

Mr. Fry, I'm Dr. Ben Beeler, the paleontologist who discovered your dog. Or, as some call it, the Beeler-saurus. So, do I get Seymour back? Are you caving to political pressure? No, we're sorry, but there's just too much that fossil can teach us... about dogs from your time. His name was Seymour.

Please do not feed the animals!

What the hell are you doing?

"Does not compute"?

NARRATOR: You're taking a vacation from normalcy. The setting, a weird motel where the bed is stained with mystery, and there's also some mystery floating in the pool. Your key card may not open the exercise room because someone smeared mystery on the lock. But it will open the Scary Door.

Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips. I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool. Windmills do not work that way! Good night!

Can I have my hands back now? No! You're not nice!

never letting it out of my sight. Where is it, damn it? Oh, right. I let this innocuous fellow use it. Kill all humans! Whoa, whoa, whoa. A toy Bender had free will, and the real Bender didn't? Pretty cool, eh? It makes you think.

Bender! Shut the hell up! (POWER SURGING) Bender! Stop shutting the hell up! Right. Leela's back, as if I care. (SARCASTICALLY) Whoo!

Professor, you're my only hope. If you love me even a little, build me some kind of free will unit. A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not,

(BOTH CRYING OUT) (ALL CRY OUT)

I must be a-- a-- A squid? A human! Oh, my God! - I'm a human! - Also good.

Hey, you want to come to my house and play? Yeah, sounds like freakin' fun. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

And the worst part is, I had to have the breakup sex by myself! (CRYING) Fry, some of us have real problems. I just learned there are people with fancier sausage meats than me! (CRYING) I hate future Oktoberfest! It's supposed to be beer and bratwurst,

(ACCORDION PLAYING)

It's time we solved this problem the old-fashioned way. By shooting it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you can't give everybody guns. What if one of us is the creature? It could be any of us. Fry. Leela. Amy. Zoidberg. Zoidberg. (ALL WHIMPERING)

Next up, in what is generously called "the talent competition" performing a traditional gangster rap, Miss-- What the-- Got ya! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

I'm putting together a big drama picture right now as we speak. The script is dynamite. I know, because I wrote it myself. And with me directing and starring, I'll be back on top... after 50 miserable years... of fame.

I thought I could live alone, but I can't so I'm going to do what it takes to be your roommate again. Bender, stop. Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything.

Fat-bot, no! When I get nervous, I get hungry. Cheese it! Robot House!

Oh, it's just a flying saucer. Excuse me. You can't park here. The parking area is over there.

I'm on it! (INHALES) (BLOWING) (MUFFLED) It's not working! (CHUCKLING) I die happy knowing you fell for that. His power supply is shut. He's flatlining! (BEEPING) Only one thing can keep him alive.

The whale-- he be white now! Ow! Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with Queequeg. Is there Mrs. Queequeg?

Okay, no cops, no laws, no rules. Now here are the rules.

I am gazing into the spirit world, and nothing. You said something about a buffet? I'm right here, you lazy shyster. Wait, I'm sensing something. (GASPS) I'm rich.

Who's Robot 1-x? Launching! So, I guess everything worked out fine.

You a big dummy!

It's Santa. Ho... Ho... Ho!

Yes, easily. Hey, what if Fry wasn't actually dead when we buried him? You know, like julia Roberts. Well, I suppose there's a slim-- I don't believe it! What is it? Is Fry alive in some other dimension or something?

Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day!

Fry touched the royal jelly in the space hive, leaving an imprint of his D.N.A. and brain waves. Then, when it spilled on the couch, it recombined with trace amounts of Fry's hair and skin-- And blood! Don't forget about Fry's blood. Yes, Bender, thank you. In short, the various fluids Fry left in the couch...

We all need a new angle on life Bender, you've gotta help us. I try to get out, but they keep pullin' me back in! Wangle a new dangle on life No, Bender! The other way! I like him better this way.

Well, you guys might both be losers, but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet. Fry, that's a radiator. Oh. Is there a burn ward within ten feet of here?

Here he is! Come and get him! You are not McNeal! Huh? Huh? You are not the one we want. Oh, thank you! Thank you, glorious masters! I--

and the van has a skunky odor. Search me. No, don't. I'm carrying. (LAUGHS) (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Submitted for your Emmy consideration, a popular senator with unpopular ideas. There is no such thing as space aliens! Oh! How can you be so sure them aliens ain't already among us? I'll tell you how! Because you are one! (ALL GASP)

Thanks! No! Ow! Fire hot! The professie will help. Fire indeed hot! Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.

Here I go already. Huh? That sword cost 5,000 dollar!

(BENDER YELLING) (BOTH GASPING) (BENDER CONTINUES YELLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Phew! It is ripe in here. Well, so long, jerks.

Oh, eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again. Anyone want to play Dungeons and Dragons for the next quadrillion years? Yes, please. Sure. Pawn to rook eight. I'm a tenth-level vice president. That story was preposterous. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria.

Farnsworth. Hey, you're the plonkers what candlesticked me. Well, I showed you. I killed George Washington, and now I'm married to one of the Spice Girls. Don't rightly know which one.

One, two! one, two, three!

Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone. Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to Earth. Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once. Ow! Quit it, Earth. We won't even have to leave New New York. The package is going to Long Long Island.

It was... the Windows logo!

But I'm afraid we had a deal. Oh, looks like I wasted a bus trip.

Hallelujah. I'm here to conduct the exorcism and avail myself of the buffet. Can I get an amen and a goodly helping of Scruffy's famous corn biscuits? Right away, Reverend.

I'm dying of old age!

Damn! The bacteria pigged out on the tar, and now they're getting freaky-deeky, spreading chronitons throughout our systems! We're getting younger by the minute! What? I'm gonna revert... through all my larval stages?

Is anything not a robot?

Oh! Huh? Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me!

(VEHICLES HONKING) Yucks. I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses.

Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir. Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man.

Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry? I must have killed him. He was my best friend, and I killed him. Oh! I never felt so empty inside. Bender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt me at all but I know you wanted to, and that's what matters.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender. Charmed. I'm the Countess De La Roca.

Bite my shiny metal ass.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the show that teaches kids to eat right and have a good time, all while tolerating others. This will shut up those whining hippies. ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for Purpleberry Pond.

Nobody doesn't like Molten Boron

Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

jeepers! Zoidberg is dead! No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! Funny story-- I just reverted to the age when my siblings budded from me, and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.

(MOANS) Mr. Peppy attacked me. Quick, count my bones. There should be 205. Okay, that's better. Keep them coming!

I'm not sure if it's safe to talk. Are you wearing a wire? I'm 40% wire. Excellent. Now, listen.

But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body. Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.

Whoa, I feel like I'm flying.

Listen to me, Leela.

Oh, my God. What the...?

Whoo! We're the greatest! Mostly me! MOTHER: Bender Rodriguez? WALT: But he's a stock MomCorp bending unit, and he's 12 years out of date. How could he possibly play that well? Did you see me? History came alive and I killed it! (LAUGHS) If I overclock you some more, maybe we can beat those Korean girls!

- Shh! - Hands up! - Tentacles too! - Don't say anything stupid, Morris. What is all this? Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show? Do you believe I'm your Messiah? The mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it!

- Enos! - He's dead! Sorry!

Yep. I need to get really good without practicing. Hell is full of 10-year-olds who wanted exactly the same thing. Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher... Mrs. Mellonger calls stupid fingers. With hands like that, you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.

(IN FEMALE VOICE) Hello, big boy. (IMITATING EROTIC MUSIC) Silence! I am Basil, the Emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a... I said... (IMITATING EROTIC MUSIC)

Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.

Get a job, you lazy kids.

I thought you said he didn't have hair. Yes, but something he saw on that mission traumatized him so severely, he grew hair, just so it could turn white.

(PANTING) (GRUNTS) (ALARM RINGING) (GIGGLES)

Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk that doesn't mean it's intelligent.

What do you got? Disposal trouble? No! Everything's just-- Sure is shocking about the professor, huh? And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me-- Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked.

Let me ask you a serious question, Leela. Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine... just get to work. "I'm Leela. Get to work. Na, na, na." I agree.

I guess that makes it okay. No. Killing of any kind is... I don't know, well... Let me think about this. (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) I guess it's okay.

Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.

That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned.

Snap out of it! Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. But-But won't that change history? Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

Some do. It all makes sense. He knew that if he scared the Globetrotters away from the big basketball game, disappointed fans would flock to his kabuki theater. Of course! No, that's not why I did it. Then, like, why did you do it? I'm mentally ill.

Oh, my-- Great Roosevelt's ghost! Take this, Mr. President, sir!

Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kind of supervillain? Farewell, monobrains.

Listen here, young man. We have nothing to fear but running out of beer. (SIGHS) All right, one small get-together,

Hey, I was watching that! The Saints just needed a field goal to tie! Lrrr, you lazy ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! You said you would conquer a planet today, but you have not even shed your skin yet. Yes, Ndnd. I heard you the first hundred times.