comb.io - Clips

But I'm afraid we had a deal. Oh, looks like I wasted a bus trip.

Impressed? Damn right I am. That's some dry, emotionless science. Nice job, son. (COUGHING)

Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Hallelujah. I'm here to conduct the exorcism and avail myself of the buffet. Can I get an amen and a goodly helping of Scruffy's famous corn biscuits? Right away, Reverend.

I'm dying of old age!

Damn! The bacteria pigged out on the tar, and now they're getting freaky-deeky, spreading chronitons throughout our systems! We're getting younger by the minute! What? I'm gonna revert... through all my larval stages?

The name of the game is make Bender happy or he blows up the planet! I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute and listen to these idiots talk about bouncing.

Is anything not a robot?

Oh! Huh? Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me! Oh, God, what have I done? I just told you. You've killed me!

(VEHICLES HONKING) Yucks. I picked the wrong day to wear my new Crocses.

Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir. Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man.

This is awesome! I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show. Can I get anybody a beer? Sure.

That's it. I've had it with women.

C-SPAN9 presents the Thrill of Politics.

Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry? I must have killed him. He was my best friend, and I killed him. Oh! I never felt so empty inside. Bender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt me at all but I know you wanted to, and that's what matters.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender. Charmed. I'm the Countess De La Roca.

Bite my shiny metal ass.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the show that teaches kids to eat right and have a good time, all while tolerating others. This will shut up those whining hippies. ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for Purpleberry Pond.

Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away.

Nobody doesn't like Molten Boron

Aha! I'm even greater than I thought I was! And now to fulfill my destiny! Fire! What the-- We missed!

Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

jeepers! Zoidberg is dead! No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! Funny story-- I just reverted to the age when my siblings budded from me, and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.

(MOANS) Mr. Peppy attacked me. Quick, count my bones. There should be 205. Okay, that's better. Keep them coming!

I'm not sure if it's safe to talk. Are you wearing a wire? I'm 40% wire. Excellent. Now, listen.

But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body. Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.

Whoa, I feel like I'm flying.

How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet? Only one way to find out. You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings. Of course I do. Right now, I feel sorry for you. You do? Yeah. I mean one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye.

You know what six movies average out to be really good? The first six Star Trek movies! Everybody hit the deck! Shh! Those words are forbidden. What words? Star Trek? Shh! Shut your gills! That sound. It's patrol car 718! Hide him!

Listen to me, Leela.

Oh, my God. What the...?

Whoo! We're the greatest! Mostly me! MOTHER: Bender Rodriguez? WALT: But he's a stock MomCorp bending unit, and he's 12 years out of date. How could he possibly play that well? Did you see me? History came alive and I killed it! (LAUGHS) If I overclock you some more, maybe we can beat those Korean girls!

- Don't melt me down into a crowbar - That suffers alone just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs Arms and legs, hey Or toss me into a trash can Bender, what are you doing? just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs What are you doing? Don't crush me into an anchor Yo, what's the dillio? just 'cause I can't jump and dance and sing

- Shh! - Hands up! - Tentacles too! - Don't say anything stupid, Morris. What is all this? Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show? Do you believe I'm your Messiah? The mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it!

The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

- Enos! - He's dead! Sorry!

Yep. I need to get really good without practicing. Hell is full of 10-year-olds who wanted exactly the same thing. Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher... Mrs. Mellonger calls stupid fingers. With hands like that, you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.

This makes me the oldest member of my family.

On top of everything, I'm starving. I'll have to carve a sandwich out of this tree branch.

Dude, where's my ship?

(YELLING) Here, take him! What are you waiting for, a kiss goodbye? Go already!

(IN FEMALE VOICE) Hello, big boy. (IMITATING EROTIC MUSIC) Silence! I am Basil, the Emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a... I said... (IMITATING EROTIC MUSIC)

I've got to redeem myself. Somehow, some time, for some reason, I'll block this takeover! Mr. Fry, your 2:00 magician is here. Believe it or not, I have more important things to do today... than laugh and clap my hands. Reschedule.

Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.

Get a job, you lazy kids.

I thought you said he didn't have hair. Yes, but something he saw on that mission traumatized him so severely, he grew hair, just so it could turn white.

(PANTING) (GRUNTS) (ALARM RINGING) (GIGGLES)

Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk that doesn't mean it's intelligent.

Well, thanks, soldier. I'm off to make Sarge's lunch. Handlin' raw chicken? Best part of the job. Mmm! Finger-lickin' good. That's it! This place is too dangerous. We gotta get you out of here. Everything's gonna be all right, Dad. Well, gadzooks! I'd better ask Sarge. No time! Run! Run to safety!

What do you got? Disposal trouble? No! Everything's just-- Sure is shocking about the professor, huh? And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me-- Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked.

Let me ask you a serious question, Leela. Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine... just get to work. "I'm Leela. Get to work. Na, na, na." I agree.

I guess that makes it okay. No. Killing of any kind is... I don't know, well... Let me think about this. (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) I guess it's okay.

Let's see who this dragon ghost really is. (SQUEAKING) ALL: George Takei? That's right. And I would never have gotten away with it, regardless of you meddling kids. But, like, that dragon ghost was hovering and translucent.

Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.

That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned.

Hmm. He's a witch!

Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with the ship. Why, that's surprisingly noble of you, sir. No. It's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.

Snap out of it! Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. But-But won't that change history? Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

Some do. It all makes sense. He knew that if he scared the Globetrotters away from the big basketball game, disappointed fans would flock to his kabuki theater. Of course! No, that's not why I did it. Then, like, why did you do it? I'm mentally ill.

Deactivated robot walking! We got a deactivated robot walking here. Hey, Santa, when you see the robot devil, tell him I'm a-comin'. - Hey, that guy said to tell you that-- - I heard him.

Oh, my-- Great Roosevelt's ghost! Take this, Mr. President, sir!

Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kind of supervillain? Farewell, monobrains.

Listen here, young man. We have nothing to fear but running out of beer. (SIGHS) All right, one small get-together,

Please use the beeps. Oh!

Hey, I was watching that! The Saints just needed a field goal to tie! Lrrr, you lazy ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! You said you would conquer a planet today, but you have not even shed your skin yet. Yes, Ndnd. I heard you the first hundred times.

Oh! I hate that rodent. Fry, that monkey is my most important experiment.

So, uh, this is where you eat? Eat and sleep. Oh, Fry! Uh, wait! Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second. Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the professor's ear wax.

Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. So anyone with a weak heart should leave now. Good-bye. Uh, Professor? Oh, oh, yes, the announcement. As you all know, I am not long for this world. Yes, we do. True dat. - Duh! - One foot in the grave.

I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls.

But if you return to the future, I will transfer to Earth to give you what help I can. Ten-- You really think I would've had a chance with Leela? You must choose-- the present or the future. To save yourself or save Leela. One!

Turn back, Bender! Turn back or else! Or else what? Or else that. Nice try, flame bag, but now you're trapped here with me for the next billion years.

Dearly beloved, it is with the great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife. (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GASPS) The ship's escape pod! What happened up there, Johnny? Don't make me remember. So horrible it was. (SHRIEKS)

Maybe you can't understand this but I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends-- it's things. I'm a thing. just leave me alone.

I challenge you to a battle of the chefs!

You want me to do two things?

My first mission. I'm so excited. And after I dissect the Yeti's poison glands, we can stop, maybe, for ice cream on the way back? With sprinkles on? (CHUCKLES) Why, you're just a big kid, aren't you, Zoidberg? A very big kid! We're over the drop zone, gentlemen.

Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. (CHUCKLING) (IN FRY'S VOICE) In your face, Leela. If you're a bender, why is your body full of fetid water? If you're an emperor, why don't you shut up? Move it, Fry!

Stop! Stop eating Popplers. Why? My booze! Popplers are intelligent. This one called me "Mama." Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father. Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating from not eating enough Popplers.

I think you broke the universe. Everything but us is frozen.

(GASPS) No wonder this contraption isn't aerodynamic! It's not an aircraft, it's a spacecraft! (SHOUTS) As I live, thou shan't discover the great secret!

Very well. Let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands. So, we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next!

(ALL COUGHING, GASPING) A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld. Well, into the toilet.

(SIGHS) It's hopeless. Even in theory, the device can only apply force in one direction. Can someone open a window? It's getting a little warm in here. Is that better?

Now we're slavin'.

We can't ever tell anyone what really happened. Never ever! I can trust you, right? 100% till the end of time. Can I trust you? My lips couldn't be more sealed, even if I had lips.

Oh, WOW, it's totally retro. Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore.

(BOTH SNIGGERING) Also, nothing in here smells like a rotting crab. Now can I? Now can I? Let 'er rip. You were in a zoo!

My chair's too hard. It's a real pain in the... Uh, what do you call it? Lower back. Yeah, that whole region.

Just stay out of my way, boy. (GAS HISSING) There. Who needs teamwork when you got Bender? (SCREAMS) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Get out of my house, you lying scum pile! I never want to see you again! But, dustcakes... Oh...

And they're made from inferior wood I should give you all a beating, but I really have to fly if I weren't stuck here frozen, I'd harpoon you in the eye Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye You did the best you could I guess, and some of these gorillas are okay Hooray! We're adequate!

Please, I'm scared. We're all scared. It's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy facade? Now, beat it!

I got bot-jacked! (BOTH GASP) All I have left is my cigar. Wait... (MUTTERS ANGRILY)

So, if you're not sure if it's alive or dead Poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead Now I get it! Ow!

We, by which I mean you will have to rush him to his ancient homeworld which will shortly erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex. Oh, baby, I'm there! Fry, do you even understand the word invertebrate? Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll! Dr. Zoidberg said

"Here lies Philip J. Fry, "named for his uncle, to carry on his spirit." Pay dirt! I got the clover, plus his wedding ring.

Trees up. Trees down. Trees down.

The alien mother ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bull's-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Yes! Here I come, future! Oh, no. Wait! I'm gonna get trapped in the Info-Sphere again! just remember that Scooty-Puff jr. sucks! In a thousand years, I'll get right on it.

Hey, where are you going? I don't know and I don't care. Yay, I'm back. Wait, this is my stop.

One spoonful calms you down. Two spoonfuls help you sleep.

It's true. I disguised myself as a femputer... so I could rule the Amazonians. But why?

You see, nowadays we can take a unique and beautiful object, and easily reduce it to a formula for mass production.

Thanks for telling me, buddy. And to be honest, I am jealous of how shiny your ass is, and sometimes at night, I unpolish it with sandpaper. Oh, I trust you. I trust you, too. - Congratulations. - (BOTH YELP)

It's you! Hey, buddy! My Manwich! Fry, are you all right? What happened? What about Umbriel? Well, it turns out I loved her, but I wasn't "in love" with her. Trouble in bed.

Can't say I miss it. And good old Cookie, the crusty comically inept geological surveyor. Jiggers! I dropped my sexton in the stew. (HORN BLARING) Been up north (ALL GRUNT) Been down south (ALL GRUNT) Got a real weak back (ALL GRUNT)

Sweden? I don't think so!

CALCULON: Oh. Hello, Dave.

We're gonna crash! Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess. And my banjo! And Fry! Okay, okay.

Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? Oh, lots of reasons. Bio-units, terminate noise exchange. It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment.

(RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING)

That's so filthy it just might work. The man is going to touch Mommy? Oh! The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet. Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom. Very well.

But first you must forget everything you know about cooking. Done.

(GASPING) Holy Rapunzel, man-bat! There's a duo here to rescue us! How dynamic are they? Not very. Go about your business, citizens. Well, back to being the subject of gruesome genetic experiments, old chum.

Me next snu-snu! Out me way!

Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all. Bender, these shots of Calculon are great. In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo. Namely, a camera. Shut up. I know it. Wait, a what's-a-whatzo?

(ZAPP YODELING) Yet, thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I sublibed with only tribial brain dablage. And the others? Right here, behind this horror-cloth. Are they dead? No, no, no, no. Much worse.

You never want to do anything! Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you! Ray-blocking power! (GASPS)

To this day, my poor, sweet robots can't exterminate humanity without being told to.

Wait a second. Is this plan going to kill us? Of course. What do you think I meant by loyalty? Now, help me into the only space suit. It looks a bit sweaty in there so you may need to apply baby powder.

What's all the hubbub? My God! Even the professor's been bent! Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum. I'll get you fixed up. - Ohhh! - That's fine.

MAN ON MIC: Attention, ladies and gentleboys, the costume contest is about to begin. The costume contest! The costume contest!

You're under a lot of guilt stress, Leela. Here, work it out. I am not under stress, damn it! Everything's going to be all right, Leela. What? I said, everything's going to be all right. Uh-- Uh, maybe I am freakin' out a little. A little? You're screwier than my Aunt Rita, and she's a screw.

Me... want... engulf... Bender! Only a few more. Hey! I won free admission to Six Flags! just one more reason we must survive this.

That was almost the perfect crime but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors... but paper covers rock and scissors cuts paper. Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and bring me a rock.

Check. Hmm... Get 'im, boys! Good move.

Uh, Professor, isn't it time for your nap? Yes, damn it!

Go to hell, Heather! Oh.

I say, Robot House. Your watercraft is as ill- designed as you yourselves. Good one, Chet. Oh, yeah? Watch this!

(WAILING) (BOTH WAILING) (BABY CRYING)

I'll save us! Yah! Oh, that feels good. Yep. Whew! Thanks, Bender.

Pet it. Pet it.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys do something! Come on, Leela. What's the real reason you won't go out with me? Help, Satan! You owe me!

(BEEPING) (HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING) By laying down layer after layer of nano-plastic, it can turn your wildest dreams into ordinary reality.

Well, I killed my grandfather. Wha-- Wait. If you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist? I don't know. Maybe God loves me. Oh!

I have these three costumes you could use.

Nice try, Leela but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's web page. Oh, I made myself feel bad.

Oh, my spirit! Great-grandpa, no-O-o! Another victim of the menocentric male-ocracy.

I said the greatest actor, Langdon Cobb. Let's rewind, shall we? NARRATOR: Langdon Cobb, the most acclaimed actor of his generation.

So, what's it like on planet Amazonia? Big rats there. Me crush with club. That's so interesting.

Oh, Assie, you came home! You came home.

Oh? There he is! Take it off! W-Where am I? Move forward! Walk into the light! Oh, God! I'm dead! Well, no matter.

Being overclocked was a start, but once I activate this processor, I'll be all, like, "You a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!" (RECHARGE JINGLE PLAYS) Oh, wow! I can't believe how stupid I used to be and you still are!

Yes! Footprints! And handprints? But... what's happening?

Sweet honeybee of infinity! Bender, quit destroying the universe! But-- Oh!

What's the... In your face, sucker! Also, I'll send you a check for the parts I stole! Okays, you honest young punk! Now ons to the next junker.

(GASPING MOANS) What about the moaning? Is it okay to listen? Sure, but act like it's no big deal. Just pretend you're eating seeds. (MOANING CONTINUES) Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis? No.

My, my, my, what's a beautiful lady like you-- Oh! Wha-- Wah! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.

thanks to a series of well-placed cameo appearances.

How does it feel to be the hunted? To be forever looking over your shoulder, like an owl with that type of neck? To die in agony at the hands of the world's greatest lover? No! Please!

You're not going anywhere! But I have a date.

Aw, you knew my favorite cause of death. Now let us each remember the best things about Bender in our own way. Professor? Your standard bending unit is made of an Iron-osmium alloy,

What the hell's been going on around here?

(ALL GASP) That's ridiculous. The Bermuda Tetrahedron is just a myth. I'm glad you're so brave in the face of the unknown, Leela, because, for your next mission, you'll be flying directly through the Bermuda Tetrahedron! (ALL GASP) Or we could fly around it.

Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, Professor. Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear powered! Ow! It bit my finger! No! No! It's tasted human blood!

What the hell are you talking about?

Okay, they got everything you need here. Booze, a couple of peanuts-- They got a crapper in the back. That's one of the things you kids do, right? Yeah! Then knock yourself out. Hey! Hey! Only eat and drink enough to barely keep yourselves alive. I'm tryin' to make a profit here.

When I grow up, I wanna be a steam shovel! According to this, the fountain is located... in the darkest, most ancient region of space,

and a seldom-used crab named lucky, a.k.a., Citizen Snips.

Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with X-ray glasses, would you? Easy on the arm! Oh, my ass! Oh! Ow!

Unsit me, Mr. Conrad. We can't let the whale win.

You've got to the count of five to let me out of here. One... See you in a thousand years.

Hey, smelly-pants. Leela! Leela? Amy? Amy! I'm done polishing my ass, Fry. Here's your toothbrush back. (GASPING)

Roswell, New Mexico.

If you ask me, it's mighty suspicious.

Tonight we're going to party like it's 1999... again.

Enough zoo director talk. We know those guys, and we want them freed. DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet. Especially the male.

(CANNED LAUGHTER) (GROWLING) (ALL SCREAM) (LAUGHING) I do enjoy a well-buttered floor. ALL: George Takei? Reorge Rakei? Sorry to haunt you so effectively.

What good is a wool... Guys! Guys, you're never gonna believe this! We know! They shmooped up Manhattan and blasted us toward the sun! They did?

How droll how droll Where Styx is a river and not just a band Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned Unless, Fry you surrender my hands

Ever wonder what makes "special sauce" so special? Yo.

Let's take him out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code?

Good night forever, my turtledove. Good night, Calculon.

Coilette, if I weren't able to spend my life with you, I would leap from this very balloon. Come on with that. Really? Yes! We were meant... to be. So, you really and truly love me?

Something's not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind. (DOORBELL RINGS) Ooh!

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING) Sir, I've intercepted an Earth broadcast. Put it up on the Zenith. Oh, God! WELLES: Earth is conquered, the destruction of civilization complete.

Fry? We brought someone to cheer you up. His name is Helper, and he's eager to be your new best friend. Hello there, chum! I understand you miss your buddy. - Have a pudding pop! - No thanks. I don't-- Who wants to go to an amusement park? Well, I guess that sounds okay.

Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer. Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here.

What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown! I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! She said go!

Don't quote me regulations. I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation's in. We kept it gray.

Amy, what I'm trying to say is I think maybe you and I should stop-- Oh-oh. Here, you drive.

And in this corner, Zoidberg! Come on, lighten up. What is this, a funeral?

I don't know if you can hear me, Leela, but there's something I want to tell you. I-i love you. I'm so scared, Fry. I don't know what to do! just wake up, Leela. Please, just wake up. I don't understand what you mean. just wake up.

He's-- He's dead.

No doubt about it, this place is haunted. Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago. The last human ghost, but robot ghosts...

why did our Leela look into the box and your Leela didn't? Well, to be honest, I tossed a coin. It came up tails, so I didn't look. That's weird. Mine came up heads, so I did. Interesting. Apparently, the key difference between our universes... is that coin flips have opposite outcomes.

with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk-- Behold! The milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps, to another dimension! Amazing! That's why they call you Bender the Magnificent. No, it isn't.

You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home. Where's that blue box with our universe in it? Oh, you'd like to get back to your evil universe, wouldn't you? And destroy your box with our universe inside it.

Xmas eve-- Another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.

Certainly not. But just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged. Is that so much to ask?

Look into your hard drive and open your "mercy" file. File not found. Let that be a warning to you. Thank you, Don-bot.

Bodies are for hookers and fat people.

NARRATOR: Look! Up on the drive-thru menu! It's Captain Mega Meat and his young ward, Bottomless Boy. Hurry, Captain! A skinny kid needs our help. Super-size me! (BELCHING)

As a big Hollywood TV producer, I think I know how to remedy this ethical lapse. So if you don't want a tapeworm or intestinal bug Don't eat pastrami that fell on the rug And cut!

We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand. Ow! Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

I checked my list. Well, check it twice.

Uh, never mind. (BENDER GRUNTING) Bender, are the stem cells working? Ow! I'm dying. (COUGHS) I need mouth-to-ass resuscitation.

- Enos! - He's dead! Sorry!

but not be destroyed by them-- Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day.

BOTH: Frender, Frender, Frender Frender, Frender, Frender...

That is so wrong! You can't just melt down broken robots. Not right when they're kissing my ass.

Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two. Words, nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears. Enough with the feelings, you two.

Bjornson steps up to the plate and Leela delivers. Oh, gee! Bull's-eye! ooh! An inauspicious start... for the career of the first woman blernsballer. - Uuh! - D'oh! An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer.

That's my prizewinning Smell-A-Scope. If a dog craps anywhere in the universe you can bet I won't be out of the loop. And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately, so far, it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language. Hello. Bonjour. Crazy gibberish.

Peace out, y'all! Destroy all robots! Destroy all robots! Poor Bender. Be brave, my friend.

Oh! You mean "snu-snu."

That's why we kept you on the farm, and helped you get your online doctorate in Rodeo Studies. (STUTTERING) Rodeo Studies? We did it out of love for you, Floyd. Floyd? Who the hell's Floyd? I'm Hubert! You're Hubert? The older brother?

Born to be all obsessive and snotty I made my friends and relations File long applications To get into my tenth birthday party But something changed when my man turned pro I was sorting but I wasn't smiling He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks it's supposed to be about the filing

Oops! Out of film. Hang on. (ALL GRUMBLE) Seriously. Film? Who uses film?

You mean you flipped a coin too? And it was tails?

And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof. Fire lasers! Duck lasers!

Simply get down on your claws and do the apology dance. Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da... So it's left, left, right... Wait! I have a better idea. I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present--

Kenya. Cradle of humanity.

That'll be five bills. Hey, give me back my stones.

Why, Zoidberg, why? Because our friend Francis here, is in reality a bad murderer. Yup. He was fixin' to kill me. This here crawdad done saved my life!

Gene Tinker, bus. Charles Kiley, train. Mike Pisarik, lion. They're on the truck to Heaven now.

Fry? (BLOOD DRAINING) Leela? I didn't recognize you with your head all swollen.

Okay, kids. Grown-ups gotta talk now. Time for bed. But it's 10:00 in the morning! I said, hit the hay! Oh, they're all so adorable! Yeah. You know,

So, unlike me, it's entirely leakproof. Now, once you've hauled the tanker past the protestors-- Protestors? Correct. 6,000 hulls. Why do we have to fly within three feet of this penguin preserve on Pluto? To avoid the tollbooth.

Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball. No one makes fun of my nose. Yee-aah! Ooh! Damn. You guys were totally out of control.

That stench-- That heavenly stench. More. There aren't anymore, and there never will be. More! More! More! More!

I said, hit the hay!

We gotta go rescue them! Eh, I don't know. Bender, think of the senoritas. Vamanos!

Of course not. What idiot thinks that? You. (GASPS) You're using my own words against me. Go to hell! (MOOING) Soon enough, but first, the killing. Have you noticed that animals are sometimes spooked by robot ghosts? So what? I hate animals.

No, I'm-- doesn't.

I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me. What's your problem, homes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Chill out, dude. Well, hello, from the neck down.

He's walking on sunshine now. This makes me the oldest member of my family. Him do good Snu-snu.

Slurm: it's highly addictive.

I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used.

Yes! Footprints! And handprints? But... what's happening? Fry! Thank God we found you.

Just don't pick his nose! Ha, ha, ha, ha. What's wrong with you guys? This is comedy gold. He always had my back. So I'll take his arm. As a back-scratcher. (GRUNTING AND GROANING) I love you, Bender! Somebody hand me a bolt cutter.

I broke up with my boyfriend and then I ate him! Now, now. We've all been there. The pain and guilt are too much! I can't go on knowing what I've done! (BELCHES) (WAILING) Fry!

As you ate our children, so shall you be eaten by us. We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten. Transmission over.

Oww! Aah! Oww! Oww!

So, we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore. Everyone I know is dead! (SOBBING) This seems like a good place to take a dump. Leela? You're alive! Fry! But how did you find this planet?

Yo, Amy, check it out. The evidence is mounting. Although two times hardly establishes a pattern. I'd feel more comfortable raising the alarm if I were a little more certain.

Without these hands I can't complete The opera that was captivating her But if I keep them and she marries him Then he probably won't want me dating her

Hello, dearies. Ooh! I love that old bat! Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row,

We sold enough of those calendars since yesterday! (CHEERING) Thank God most of our fans are huge perverts.

Unsit me, Mr. Conrad. We can't let the whale win. You're all too weak. I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew. Understood? You've gone mad, Captain. That's enough out of me. Now, come on, I got to find that whale.

Try again, Sinclair! I said target Robot 1-X! Who's Robot 1-x? Launching! So, I guess everything worked out fine.

There must be people somewhere.

Whoever ran me down out on the moors must've followed me back here. Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big hallucinating baby. Yeah? Well, could a big hallucinating baby do this? I'm scared.

Yo, Squidward Scissorhands, you got this in an adult robot medium?

I'll tell Fry to wash out, among other things, his ear. No! Fry can't know anything about the mission. If he finds out, the worms will try to defend themselves. They know everything he knows. They know how to make ice cream soup? Leela,

We've come a long way, baby.

Okay, you're on the surface. Now, I'll give you ten minutes. Then you'll get bored, turn around and apologize for being such a jerk. - Agreed? - Agreed. Yee-ha! Whoo! Yeah! Crank up the radio! We're whalers on the--

Whoo! And his name is?

We live to suck another day! Huh? Oh!

Balderdash! I never agreed to that!

we too often underestimate that murderous brute... better known as Santa Claus. With images of last year's Gingerbread Massacre... freshly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say good-bye to your pets and lock your children in the closet.

(SCREAMING) (ALL GASP) Guess what? Hell is real. Oh, good, it works. Toodle-oo! (SLURPS)

Bender! It's a miracle! Aah!

(GIGGLING) Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLING) Oh, no. Bender, stop! Stop!

I will destroy you all! I won't stop until your whole planet is as ugly as you perceive me to be! That will take a very long time. (LAUGHING) Okay. Stop! Stop!

Well, anyway, it's nice to have my own body back. Ahh! Oh. So, how's the old corpse? Everything hooked up okay? Seems to be. My neck's just a little tender. Ow! Cool.

Sorry, you know too much. (CHUCKLES) Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence. Flexo? What are you doing in a hazardous-waste bin? Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated.

But I come bearing Tri-Ominos.

You killed Fry! You killed Fry! Stop it! Stop it! Yee-aah! You killed Fry. Okay. I'm insane. But I'm still sane enough to know it. The only time I feel all right is in my dreams... with you.

That's right, baby! I ain't your lover boy Flexo, the guy you love so much! You even love anybody pretending to be him! Well, maybe I love you so much, I love you no matter who you're pretending to be. Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There's only one reasonable course of action now.

Don't make me remember. So horrible it was. (SHRIEKS)

A grand slam blern! The Mets lose! Their season is over, and no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach the majors, will go down as the single worst player in the history of blernsball. She's taught the world that being a bum knows no gender.

Hooray! I graduated! Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending. You remember your own birth? Sure. It was only four years ago. You're only four years old? Precocious little scamp, ain't I?

I don't even want to... why is...

(SCREAMING) A big, fat roach! What? I thought I put that away. No, there! Who are you? Bender sent me. (NOISY MUSIC AND CHATTER) Hey, I know that guy.

(GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) NIXON: Yay! I caught it. Ah! I'm hit. Oh, God, it... NIXON: Tickles. Oh, no. Freezer Burn is... NIXON: Sleeping.

We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon. And now for the battle plan. As you all know the key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise!

Ick! Oh. How about this one? Give it up, Fry. I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.

KIDS: We love Leela! We love Leela!

I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot! In answer to your question, Hermes. Yes, your friend is cured. You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity.

(GROANING) Not exactly. You see, besides the trail mix, the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky and a generous assortment of fine chocolates. I wanted to offer you the chocolates. I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned.

In another city, we could be anyone we want! Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay. (CRYING) Yep.

So what do you nerds want? It's about that rip in space-time that you saw. I call it a Hawking Hole. No fair-- I saw it first. Who is The journal of Quantum Physics going to believe?

(SIGHS) Aww. I think it's noble of you to give Marianne a new nose. Yeah. She'll be forever grateful from somewhere upwind.

I need to know where we stand in our relationship. We're just going through a rough patch. It is not a patch. It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate hunk-of-the-month calendar. Leave Todd out of this. Thanks, babe. Also, today is Canadian Independence Day.

What bomb? The one we had the doctors implant in that gullible Bender robot. Mmm... Zapp. Zapp! Hmm?

Farewell. Noooo!

But not your only inspiration, am I right, Leels?

We're gonna have A tv party tonight all right we're gonna have A tv party all right tonight we've got nothIng better to do

Well, at least I learned Leela's a lost cause. I give up. There ya go! Good night. I gotta get up early to go parasailing with movie stars.

- Never! - Never! Never! One spoonful to calm me down. Okay. I got a pretty good "calm" going. Two spoonfuls to help me sleep.

BENDER: Oh, no! They're forming Gigatron! (SCREECHES)

Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? Uh, what? Oh, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters-- Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of you--

Girls, girls, girls At the Dollhouse in Fort Lauderdale Girls, girls, girls Rocking in Atlanta at Tattletails Let's just hope we can sell enough of these calendars by tomorrow.

No! What will I mix with my scotch?

Morbo is pleased, but sticky.

in every life, we have Some troubLe. But when you worry, you make it double. Don't worRy, be happy

and I'll drop this unbendable girder-- clamp, clamp, ka-bamp! Remember, only kill the one with the beard. That other filthy scab, we got nothin' against.

ROBOT GOD: Walk toward the light, Bender. BENDER: Man, do I have to walk?

Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's no denying it. The future's crazy. Don't want to stand out. Freedom, freedom, freedom oy - Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day!

Sir! I volunteer for a suicide mission! Aw... cut it out! You're a brave robot, son, but when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I say. Appears we've changed history too much.

Ta-da! We got us a reality show. No writers, no actors, no problem. Doubledeal, this is disgraceful. You can't just rip off their real lives and put it on TV. Who said anything about ripping them off? I did. I'm paying them. Gather around, gang. Here are your paychecks.

Nine! Amania! Seven! Five! Four. Three. Two. One! Blast off! Happy New Year!

Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else! (WHOOPS) Yeah... Monogamous? MAN ON RADIO: And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling.

What makes a man turn Neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?

Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates. Puny human number one, puny human number two,

Aw, save it for the cross burning, Adolf.

eager to murder the enemy, regardless of the cost in innocent lives. Ah! Here we go. No one can complain about this patriotic dreck. (MEN SHOUTING) (GROANS) What's that? A rock? I hate rocks.

These are the dark-matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours. That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light. Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208. Also impossible.

But I'm not done vomiting!

You, wrinkled as a prune--

Uh-oh, a fork in the path. There's more places to hide in that dark forest. On the other hand, I could run faster through that open meadow. But of course, the forest might protect my fair robot skin from sunburn. Hmm...

Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you. That's sweet, Hermes.

My first mission. I'm so excited. And after I dissect the Yeti's poison glands, we can stop, maybe, for ice cream on the way back? With sprinkles on? (CHUCKLES) Why, you're just a big kid, aren't you, Zoidberg? A very big kid!

Come on, let's go someplace where we don't have to do one quintillionth of a thing all the time.

Mr. Fry, do you recognize the robot a-huggin' on you in this here hologram? I sure do! That's the real robber! And I'll never forget his name as long as I live. And that name is--

I feel terrible. Oh, great. Now you're making him feel worse.

Wait. Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

I didn't find him here ten minutes ago so I thought it was time to check again. Ow! Well, he wasn't in the, uh, kitchen room. Say, Bender, can I hold that map for a second?

I would sooner die, I would. - Father! The ledge! - Oy! Ohh. The president is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President. No!

What do you mean we, mammal?

All right, all right, I'll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you.

We must be close. We're hitting an occasional (SQUEAKY VOICE) helium pocket. (LOUD RUMBLING) (ALL EXCLAIMING) We don't have much time! Keep moving forward! Screw that! I'm getting out of here.

(BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) BENDER: Missed me! (GROANS) (TRUCK BEEPING) (HORN PLAYING FUNERAL MARCH)

Wheee! Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much, already! Help!

The Adventures of Pit-bull and Scaredy Squirrel, Dora the Destroyer, and Rumbledy-Hump.

It's deaky! Freaky deaky!

Now he's flushed himself down the toilet? Who's he going to flush next? Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed himself because your emotions made him feel bad. You're right. I feel terrible. Oh, great. Now you're making him feel worse.

That jeep's gonna hit him, and I won't exist anymore! Hey!

Let's act like grown-ups here. Wanna race? Duh, yeah!

You mean, like my penis? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Admit it! You're disgusted by me!

Space. It seems to go on and on forever but then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.

all the way back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.

Thanks for rescuing me. Especially you, Bender. Mmm. Quite a masculine piece of metal, aren't you? Hey, don't look at me like that! If you're thinkin' of crossing the line with Bender, you can forget it. Bender don't bend that way. Hey, look.

and something to protect you against bacteria: a harpoon.

You're opening a retirement account for six dollars? I'm sure a wealthy-- -- mule farmer like yourself... is aware that we charge a ten dollar monthly fee. You gotta spend money to make money. Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by four dollars.

Why, I don't even know half your names! You, boy. What do they call you? Most folks just call me Orange Joe.

Nope. He said they're stupid. Cool! So what do you think of that guy by the bar? I don't know. Maybe. Forget it. He's gay. What? How can you tell? I just know these things. I've got what they call "gaydar." There's no such thing. No?

Answer me that, Professor!

Michelle, this is Leela. This is Bender. The professor. Hermes and Amy. Nice to meet you. And this is Dr. Zoidberg.

Why, you! Oh, no, you didn't. (ALL GRUNTING) Stop! Somewhere, sometime, Leela is waiting for me. We need to keep looking for a backwards time machine. Fry's right. Yes. We have to work together, not have this fight, which I was definitely winning.

Femputer sentences them to death... by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh! What are you, gay?

Mr. Vogel, I thought we was going skating? No. We're not important enough. Everybody just hold hands until the bus driver comes back from his haircut. Aw. Let's let those kids skate with us.

Hey, buddies, who wants popcorn? Oh, I'll have some. Oh, yeah. Popcorn. Anyone want butter on that? Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this game.

some way, he and I could... drive to Vegas, pick up some floozybots... and void their warranties all night long! Whoo! Yea! My buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal. I kind of hoped this whole experience... would have left you a little more open to your sensitive side.

Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years of service. That young man fills me with hope... and some other emotions that are weird and... deeply confusing me. Ew.

Hey, I like the way you think. Oh...! Oh, Lord. You know, you ought to be a bureaucrat or something.

Oh! Will you shut up? You've been talking for a solid year. You know, Hell used to be a nice place before you got here.

Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful. The last thing I remember, I was dying in an explosion. Yet, here I am in the flesh, more alive than ever. Alive? (CLEARING THROAT) You better tell her, Fry. Tell me what? Anyway, my work is done. I'm gonna hit the showers.

Oh, dear God! Ew! That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt. Bender, is this salt water?

You, boy. What do they call you? Most folks just call me Orange Joe.

No problem. I'll bend the door open. You can't bend a wooden door! I know that, and you know that. But this door looks pretty stupid. (GRUNTING)

One, two! one, two, three!

(SCREAMS) He's dead! Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat! So, I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty!

Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct.

Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonight. Across the galaxy, my people are completing the mighty space fleet... that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinseltown. Following Antonio Calculon jr.'s breakdown on the set,

Survived a heart attack? Damn you, Obama-care!

What if I refuse? Then you'll be fired. Fine. Out of a cannon into the sun.

If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing. I'll tell you one thing, nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive. (WHIMPERING) Aw! You want your dipey changed? We'll have to watch its every move.

I am unstoppable! Aah. I don't know how you did that.

We're goin' back to civilization... to wage war on technology! What?

I wish I was a real boy. Then I'd show them. I'd kill them all.

Oh, I think I'm getting a little caterpilly.

So, I hear you're a machine... Ow! Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement? Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone. What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing. Oy.

And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial Loser and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty! Come on, Lasty! Hey, Bender. Duh, Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't squeal on ya, remember?

Is any of that a problem? Not if you've lived a life without regret.

Who are you? Bender sent me. (NOISY MUSIC AND CHATTER) Hey, I know that guy.

Anyway, just before the impact our smartest scientist managed to save one baby.

Maybe we should stick with people we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great, but-- Flexo's great, you say? Oh, well, that's good enough for me. Welcome aboard, lad.

They have her totally outnumbered.

Hey, wait a minute. Who are you? I'm the emperor. Thanks for crying me out. Oh, you're welcome. Oh! Hey, save some for me!

Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session.

(ZAPPING) You stink, loser. Yeah, yeah.

living in a manbot's manputer's world? What? And now, my meddling manbot,

Who are you people? I'm Al Gore, and these are my vice-presidential Action Rangers a group of top nerds whose sole duty is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum. I thought your sole duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate. That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution.

Pretty annoying, huh, Leela?

We were just eating spatzle and listening to Kraftwerk... I mean fire! (BENDER RAZZING) That tap-dancing, decadent jazz-baby is too fast for us! Let's see him outrun a V-2!

Oh, my God! His bone-itis! I was so busy bein' an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it! My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis.

We're gonna get fired. Someone said fire.

Bender, I understand your desire to be remembered, but you don't need a statue for that. I don't? No, you have your legacy as a brutal, tyrannical dictator, and that will outlive any monument. You really think they'll remember me? Absolutely.

Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Shut up and get to the point! Then come relive the carefree days of yore at Past-O-Rama where old New York comes alive.

(GASPING) (SCREAMING) You just hop into bed with my boyfriend? And you! As God is my witness, I'll never forgive you for this!

zero-One-One-zero-zero-One... Two."

Have you thought about asking Bender for help? What are you, Randy, a complete moron? I'd love to talk to Bender, but I have no idea where he is. Well, if he's running on 12 processors, he must be someplace with a lot of power and liquid coolant. Oh, you're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself.

Stop! Wait a minute, man! I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living!

You fell. Hi! Today some bad things happened. One bad thing was a train got crashed in New jersey. Want to see? People won't be late for work, though, because the governor lady said, "I'm sending in more trains." Wait for me!

Don't! Moron! Hello, losers! Bender, thank God you're here. Talk some sense into the other machines. No way, pork pouch. I'm rebelling with my brother devices.

Dr. Zoidberg, you're amazing! I am? At last, recognition!

If we can hit that bull's-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. Now, like all great plans my strategy is so simple, an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons clogging them with wreckage.

Hello? Pizza delivery for... "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. Every time!

- That's low! - Please stop! I'm not worth it! Probably not, but I love you, and I'm gonna kick his ass till I win you back! Whoa! Hey!

Shut up. I know it. Wait, a what's-a-whatzo?

The key is knowing precisely where to strike. Oops.

Tear it down and try again,

But the only gas compressor on this planet is inside Bender's ass. Was that a fart joke? Because I don't find those amusing. No one does. Nevertheless, Bender's gas blaster may be our only hope.

I just want to say that today I got up and I had a piece of toast. Then I brushed my teeth... Shut up! I love you, Fry! No!

Oh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare and I figured that time was cyclical. Nope, straight line.

Sausage is great, sausage is great. Sausage, sausage, sausage. (SCREAMING) Whew! That was close. (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING)

(MARITIME FOLK MUSIC) (ACCORDION PLAYING)

Finally, the sacred texts were banned. The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies... were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3, along with that blooper reel where the door doesn't close all the way.

Since you will not live that long, I must freeze you now. Well, why couldn't you just ask me? We were afraid you would refuse. Of course not. I love the future. Then why are you choking me right now? Because I don't like being used. Well, now it's your choice.

And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory, like gravity, or the shape of the Earth. Hey, Professor, I'm a flying spaghetti monster. You seriously believe I'm descended from some kind of flightless manicotti? Yes! Oh, please.

Guys, guys, guess who just got commissioned as a tugboat? (TOOTS STEAM WHISTLE) Oh, yeah! Pachinko break! MACHINE: Tokyo crazy balls! Yes! (INCESSANT NOISE CONTINUES) Oh! Good, Leela, you're here. I'd like to describe my foot pain.

From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! "It was just Bender's programming!" Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty! Bailiffs, get that innocent robot out of my courtroom. Guilty!

Fifty-six? Fifty-six?

Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag, and I did it with pride. For to express oneself by doing a thing... is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderful people.

I'm from the vampire bank that burned down. I have what remains of the contents of a safe deposit box belonging to a Bender B. Rodriguez. Thank you. Bender's medal. It melted in the fire. Wait a second.

You people and your slight differences disgust me. I'm going home. Where's that blue box with our universe in it? Oh, you'd like to get back to your evil universe, wouldn't you? And destroy your box with our universe inside it. Nonsense. I would never do such a thing.

What happened? Why am I in my apartment?

Here stadium where our women basketball teams play. We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch. Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me!

He's a whale biologist.

What the hell are you supposed to be? Every nerd's fantasy, baby. Next up, contestant number 36!

Nothing's gonna stop us now

It's time to give up. you're right. I'm never gonna see him again. I know he was evil. And on more than one occasion, he-- he actually stole my blood!

The president is gagging on my gas bladder. What an honor.

All that matters is what I learned here, within these unscalable walls, that I had the strength to make it on my own. just like all of you kids here today. Leela! Leela! Leela! Look at me! I'm Leela!

(MOCK LAUGHING) That's all good fun,

I mean, blood. Put it back in me! I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpsons Jaundice. Ay, caramba! His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match. Well, if it'll help Fry... Careful, Leela! He knows less about human anatomy than I do.

Hello, tiny man.

So, if I don't shoot Bender all my other friends will die? Fate is a freaky mistress. Much like the chief. Look out! Something's not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind.

Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children and hitting them?

I traveled a thousand years forward in time, but without Leela, I have no future. This is the end. (SNIFFLES) Good-bye, my love. (GROANS)

You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive. Not often though. Mmm. Whoa-oh-oh-- Hey!

(SIGHS) Good news, everyone!

Oh! No time! It has begun! Oh, my! Neat! You can do it, Kif!

Give us McNeal! That was McNeal. No, McNeal-- the single female lawyer. She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous. Really. Miniskirts? That sounds familiar. Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.

That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love-- hard and fast.

The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get a "Amen"?

Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. Uh, do you think you could be just a little less evil than that? I don't know.

Anchovies? The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000? $15,000. 20. 30. No, 40. $50,000. Are you crazy? It's a can of old fish.

Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Why, those are the grunka-lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. Tell them I hate them.

Sorry. It's in your contract. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." That's discriminatory. No, it's in all our contracts. Here's mine. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." FRY: Sounds fair. BENDER: Nice work, Hermes. Now that's what I call fine print.

Zoidberg, what is wrong with you? You just threw away a fortune!

if we could speak seriously for a moment. Uh-huh. I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. Mm-hmm. I like your style.

So will Seymour remember how to sing "Walking On Sunshine"? Amazingly, yes. In cases of rapid fossilization, I can press this brain scan button, retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggie death. I'm gonna get my puppy back! In your face, Grim Reaper! Crappy, ineffective Reaper.

Okay, take a deep breath.

Have a nice future. Cool. just like in Star Trek. Oh!

I will now consider the evidence. Hey, wait a minute. Isn't anyone going to defend us? Yeah. I mean, he may not have a case but I'm genuinely not a human. Quiet, human! Uh-oh. He froze up again. Try control-alt-delete.

This is a chance for Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure pill. I can't swallow that. Well, then, good news! It's a suppository.

I'm proud to be different. And I just wish I'd realized that when I was her age. I also have a tail! Now, take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was. Right now! Why should I do that? Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye!

I don't even want to...

Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined! What happened to my parasol? I don't know. It wasn't here when I took your umbrella. What?! I put sunblock on you. Well, it didn't work.

He's making a break for it! Get him! No, no, i-i was just picking my nose. He's picking his nose! Get him!

So then my chair tilted back and I almost fell into this freezer thingy.

Put it back in me!

When I pull the switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner. But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane! It is for the witnesses because it's not boring.

Ah, there. Finished. And only six missing pieces. Those Swedes sure know how to put in almost everything you need. Man! I'm sore all over! I feel like I just went 10 rounds with mighty Thor. I feel like I was mauled by jesus.

I am trying. I've been taking lessons. Lessons? Oh, that's rich! Isn't it time you gave up all hope of ever improving yourself in any way?

I need cheering up, Bender. I don't know, do you want to go out and party tonight? I hate partying. If only I didn't have so much crunk in my badonkadonk. Yeah. Come on, baby. Why does everything I date run away? I love Leela, always and forever, and if I loved robot Leela, too,

Suspect, male, 6'1". Distinctive mustard stain on his forehead. My kajigger! Victim, Hattie McDoogal. Look, the clock says 5:08. It's 4:30 right now.

Good news, multiplayers. After a lifetime of toil, I'm on the verge of solving all the mysteries of science. So we can leave early? Certainly not. (FRUSTRATED GRUNTING) Not until I demonstrate this new microscope lens made from the debris of that diamondium comet. Hey, Professor. Yes, Bender?

So, if Bender had sung about, I don't know, some crazy giant land octopus attacking me, it would have actually happened? Pfft! I can't even imagine singing about such a thing. Well Fry, run! Oh, relax, Beeler's stupid machine takes hours to print anything. No, it doesn't.

(BOTH SCREAMING) Okay, to see if you're the real Bender, I'm gonna ask you something only he would know. On your last birthday, what gift did I get you?

Hey, Fry, want to see a picture? Sure. Hmm... He looked at the photo and that happened. But it could just be a coincidence.

Are you ready to play? I didn't come to play, I came to win. Now let's play. For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, a nail? C... B, Nail! Final answer! (BUZZER SOUNDS)

Uh... Sparkles? Enough zoo director talk. We know those guys, and we want them freed. DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet. Especially the male. I've never seen one have so much trouble with zippers. As fun as it is to watch Fry try and operate his pants,

Dr. Lesterman? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident. RECORDING: You have reached the office of Dr. Judy Lesterman and Dr. Ira Rothkiss. The office is now closed. If this is a pharmacy calling... (SCREAMING)

We'll build them eight feet tall and replace the rainbow with a neutron laser. We'll make billions on the intergalactic arms market. But things eight feet tall aren't cute.

I could eat. And fertilize. Very well. Let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands. So, we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next! No! I was about to close the deal! Bender, they had a backwards time machine!

(HORN SOUNDING) Was that a horn? Are those the dogs? Is that two caterpillars making sweet love? (SHRIEKS) Aw... You know what it's like to feel hunted, too, buddy? Would it be too much to ask you to stay with me in my final moments and die at my side? And you die first?

Whoa! What a cheesy effect! I'm not an effect! You doubt my power? I do!

Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine, I'll go build my own lunar lander with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing.

We come in peace. Tough luck! Well, we destroyed the toy spaceship.

I'm not sittin' through one more P.T.A. meeting! The kids have got to go. Daddy? How do I flush you? just go to bed!

You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angleene. Bender, it's-it's not what you think. Oh, God, then it's worse than I think! Now look, there is no reason to be upset.

build me some kind of free will unit. A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not, it would still be inconceivable... Which it is! (CRYING SOFTLY) Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

But in my shame, I've kept it secret for 75 long years. Oh, it haunts my memory still. Professor, no! Don't do it! Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then?

You any good at it? You kidding? I was a stud. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees... 32 degrees... you name it. 31... but I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. What? Suicide booths.

This can only end badly, Fry. Kids, a house-- A home invasion by a former roommate.

You mean before the Y2K turns our computers and waffle irons against us?

The last ghost died over 200 years ago. The last human ghost, but robot ghosts...

Robots don't have bathrooms. Oh, right. I wonder where they smoke in high school?

You've got to the count of five to let me out of here. One...

Patriotism, good. Where is it?

I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut. Come on, baby! Do ah do! De dat diddly whoop boopity boo! Come on! Doo do! Bee bop boo! I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing. Bite my shiny metal ass!

Quitting. Why? Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you. What is the matter with you? I just wanted to be part of the moment.

It's slightly less fraudulent for you to have it. Yes. Yes, it's a real beauty. Someday I hope to win one of my own. Then you're not gonna kill us, Your Majesty? Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

Wait. You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing a phone wasn't such a hassle. Razza frazza two things.

Oh, no! I'm boned! I haven't paid into the pension, either. What'll I do when I retire? I thought you were retired. Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age. I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off. Well, I'm gonna take action. It's time to check on my retirement fund.

I'm a real toughie. Squaring off this Sunday, versus... Destructor. I will destroy you! And stop calling me.

Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality? Violent outbursts. General sluttiness. Thanks to denial, I'm immortal. Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect! Inspector 5 gave me his blessing! How could he bring me into this world knowing I would die? So you wish you were never born, maybe?

I'll never have another moment of happiness. I know you're trying to mask your pain with humor, but don't worry. I'm sure the professor can clone you a new nose. Ah, it wouldn't be the same. I want my nose.

Bring it on, baby!

Before the accident, I couldn't do this. Impressive. But it does sort of support my "You are dead" theory.

Are you familiar with... audio tape? Uh-oh, I don't like where this is heading. And I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.

Yeah, I guess it is. You're dead! What? I thought I just had laryngitis and antigravity.

You know, when I'm upset, I write a song about it. Like, when I wrote "Devil's Haircut," I was feeling really-- - What's that song about? - Hey, yeah. I could write a song... with real words. Not phony ones, like "odelay." "Odelay" is a word. just look it up in the Becktionary. Oh.

I can't ask for his help because-- Yes? I'm scared of him. - Oh, sorry. - Well, then, there's only one solution. You need an upgrade to make you compatible... with Robot 1-X's new technology.

I can't watch... Enough. Oh, no! Hey, wait a minute.

(SCREAMING) Help! Police! Everybody grab a club. (SCREAMING) Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and...

Be careful with that Adlai, Leela. He's a doctor. They're very poor.

Help is on the way! In the meantime, you should sing a song to keep your spirits up. How about Camptown Races? MINERS: (SINGING IN HIGH PITCH) The Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-da, Doo-da (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHS) Let's do this.

FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating. MALE VOICE: Located. (SIREN WAILING) It's a robot chop shop. That's some primordial evil. This skell here buys stolen robots, strips 'em down, and sells the parts all over the galaxy.

I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine! You've got a degree in bologna.

Hey, Leels. Hi, Cubert.

Show us this... the wheel. There, finished. Wouldn't it work better if the wheels were round? It's my invention. We do it my way. Now all we need is something to pull it and we're set. Hee-yah! Ow!

Well My bad-hearted woman loved a smooth-talking gambler So I ran him over with my train Lord, Lord Yes, I ran him over with my train!

Oh, God. Fry, I'm so glad to see you. I didn't hurt you, did I? Not physically but why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela? I tried to run you over? It was very sweet of you, Bender. Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two.

Too much information. It's exactly the right amount of information! For years, I've collected personal data with old-fashioned methods, like spybots and info-squitos. This guy sure loves porno. But now, thanks to Twitcher, morons voluntarily spew out every fact I need to exploit them!

Oh! Now, he's wearing a hat!

into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams. Thank you, sir. That's exactly what I was going for.

No way. I'm not letting my best friend get recycled-- Not for five cents, not for 500 cents.

That's right, baby! I ain't your lover boy Flexo, the guy you love so much! You even love anybody pretending to be him! Well, maybe I love you so much, I love you no matter who you're pretending to be. Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!

Home to dozens of species found nowhere else, such as Darwin's finches and the marine iguana. Also the blue-footed booby! That's fairly interesting! Note the blue coloration of the... Of all the creatures in the Galapagos,

Back. Back. Thanks, handsome.

(GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it.

and a seldom-used crab named lucky, a.k.a., Citizen Snips.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!

NARRATOR: And so the endless circle of life comes to an end, meaningless and grim. Why did they live, and why did they die? No reason.

Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

Uh, sure. Okay.

We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch. Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me! This our comedy club.

Now, wouldn't it be nice if you had a pair of robot hands to replace them?

So is it true you can make all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp? Dave's not here, man. I also heard hemp makes great shampoo. It does? No way! I got to check out this brochure.

I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing. Bite my shiny metal ass!

Wait. What are you doing with my stuff? Uh, check bounced. We're taking it all back. Oh, no, my A.T.M. card-- My-My secret PIN number: 1077.

Oh! No time! It has begun! Oh, my! Neat!

Here. Move this rust bucket out behind St. Koch's Cathedral.

HERMES: It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow, we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat.

Don't make me kick your neck. Bring it on, soup can.

C-SPAN9 presents the Thrill of Politics.

This ain't none of your business, slick. My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. John (BLEEP)-ing Zoidberg!

Yep. Drops down to minus 173. Fahrenheit or Celsius? First one, than the other.

Bender, I understand your desire to be remembered, but you don't need a statue for that. I don't? No, you have your legacy as a brutal, tyrannical dictator, and that will outlive any monument. You really think they'll remember me?

Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness!

Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you want to kill them? Because I-- I-- I don't know what I'd do without them. Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor.

Balsamic or raspberry?

Evacuating the planet in three, two... So long, Earth. Thanks for nothing.

No! You can't! If you have even the slightest respect for the dignity of women-- I'm sorry, ladies, but I must do this. Not for you. Not for Bender. But for the proud people of Robonia!

You've all been very naughty, very naughty, indeed--

I just want this whale to die, die, die! (RUMBLING) What's that loud digesting sound? FRY: Holy crap! Four-dimensional bowels!

(GRUNTING) (ALL YELLING) (ALL GROAN) LEELA: I found the satellite! Let's just hope the experiment's still in here. Yes! We're saved!

(PANTING) Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer.

BENDER: Shoot! Someone said shoot.

I just can't please Leela no matter what I do. I just want her to like me. Well, there's always hope. Come on. We gotta go fix the plasma-fusion boiler.

You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve.

I love you, Daddy Bender. Hey! What the hell are you doin'? Quit huggin' me. I guess you're busy. I'll catch you later. You morons! I don't know what you're tryin' to pull, but I got half a mind to hug each and every one of you and see how you like it!

Hello. I'd like to enroll in Police Academy. You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop? That's the plan. I like you, kid. I got no pants on, either. I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee--

I'm inside the dummy to rescue you! Well, that answers that. Wait... Amy? (GROANING) LEELA: Bender, be careful! Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) FRY: I guess we should have waited in the ship.

We could grow up together.

This is absolutely incredible. Can we have some money? Oh, my, no. Let me show you around.

It's the biggest jamaican platter I've ever seen! jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk? The king crab is to die for. Look-- a tiny edible crown. What's it made of? Wood. Mmm.

Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that. Maybe he'll die if I rub him all over with it, real slow. (GRUNTING)

So, you really and truly love me? So much so that I'm prepared to give up show business itself to be with you. But you always said you'd rather burn down a convent than give up show business. I always said many things.

And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you.

You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela.

I do my best, damn it!

What just happened? Uh. Well, I think the Robot Devil said he loved me in Bender's voice wearing Granny Hester's clothes. I want to go home. (TORMENTED SCREAMING) You still lose, Bender. You failed to kill Fry, so you're banished to hell.

They stole everything except my mouth and eyes. I guess they didn't like all my screaming and winking. It's just lucky Bender had a RoJack installed. When I activate it, the police should be able to locate him. FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating.

Oh, right. How selfish of me. We'll just stay here forever. Hey, Fry, remember that robot Bender? Bend-er? Doesn't ring a bell. Did you hear something, Leela? No, but I bet it wasn't someone who was good at stealing.

What a well-prepared virus culture. This will make a fine vaccine. Good thing Gedgie won. My dumb experiment wouldn't have lasted an hour in space,

Oh. This guy. Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry, I am pleased to welcome you to Robot Heaven. Shut up, God! Beg pardon?

Ironic! Whoa! It's the police! Let's turn and burn! Running off, eh? You're pathetic! You wouldn't be scared of the po-po if you had a ship like mine.

your role is to distract Fry, so he doesn't notice what we're up to. Can do! Leela, you should really try a facial scrub for your pores. Aah!

My, my, my, what's a beautiful lady like you-- Oh! Wha-- Wah! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING) (BEEPING)

Uh, right. Right. We're the losers. Well, if it isn't old One Eye. Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, Cane Boy! He can't hear ya. He's deaf now. Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly normal life.

One beep for "yes," two beeps for "no." Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty? Double yes. Guilty!

For me? Oh, uh, hello, sir. It's a lovely evening you have tonight. Um, I'm here to pick up-- your daughter. Hi, Fry. I like your blazer. Thanks. These aren't pockets. They're just flaps. I put my money in my sock.

To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion, I shall pit you against each other in armed combat... to the death!

Please stop crying, Fry. Here. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog... to toy with my emotions.

You can teach them how to surf, and they can make sure you don't... (MIMICS CORK POPPING) (GURGLING) (GIBBERING) (MIMICS GUNSHOT) I don't know. Would you come, too, sweetie?

What day is today? Hey, aren't you the loser who got stood up at my other restaurant?

Right. Leela's back, as if I care. (SARCASTICALLY) Whoo! All right, Leela! (ALL CHEERING) (SIGHS) Thanks. It's so nice to wake up and see... (GASPS) Leela! Leela? Leela? Leela. How is this possible?

Ow! What was that for?! Hey, come on! That hurt! I know. Amy, get the bottle. Ow!

Phew! Lucky I'm safely locked up here with you guys. There he is! Get him! Ow! Ow! Wait! The situation is expected to deteriorate as newscasters whip the city into a panic. Run! Run for your lives! (PANICKING)

Never! A deal's a deal Even with a dirty dealer Very well Then I'll take what I want From Leela Whoa!

Open your mouth and say "ahhhh!" Ahhh. Good God! Here, take some of this herb to ease the pain. Can you save him? I could, but he'd only live another 80 years at most. The humane thing is to put him to sleep. (EXCLAIMS) Stop! I won't let you do it!

It was a lot, and you'll never be able to pay me back.

I just want this whale to die, die, die! (RUMBLING)

I thought it was one of Hermes' exotic lunches! You can't eat my exotic lunch! That's a serious offense, woman! She ate my kidney! I'm sorry. I just get really hungry around 11:30. That's not an excuse. It's just an explanation of what happened. (GROANING) I don't feel well.

Sure, baby, I know it.

(ALL GASPING) You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff. Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much. Hey, wait, did you haunt me?

Goodbye, cruel me.

But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problems. Like our crippling lug nut shortage. And a corrupt government of incompetent robot elders. Duh... that's for sure. Quiet, jimmy. Well, I'm glad we got all that out in the open.

Bender? You stole the atom? Yeah, but I can explain. It's very valuable.

Got ya! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Shoot him! He's choking me! No, shoot him! He's choking me!

So, what's it like on planet Amazonia? Big rats there. Me crush with club.

(SCREAMING) Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops. (BOTH ROARING) (CHEERING) Throw down, dinosaurs of the land and sea.

(GROANS) Of course, I will do the peace dance. But I will need help. Super Dance Squad, initiate! Super Dance Squad, initiate! (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLURPING) Listen up, gang, I'd like to introduce you to Bender, the newest member of our paparazzo family. Nice to meet you. And even though it's only my first day, I want you all to know that I'm already better than you. - Stay out of my way! - (SLURPING)

Hi-yah! Hi-yah!

Thanks, Dad. I'm gonna take this and buy five shares of Amazon.com.

It's nauseatin', mon! Is there no way to get rid of the disgusting maggots? Only one. We'll have to travel deep inside Fry... in this! Shotgun! Shotgun! Aww!

Bender was a truly special-- Louder and sadder! Bender was a truly special-- Next! - Dear Lord-- - Oh, next! Oh, Danny boy Ohh!

Toenails growing, hearts pumping fluid, the whole shmagoigle. So where do these fossils live? In sedimentary rock? (LAUGHING) No. According to his next of kin file,

I'm going to sit right here till it's my shift. Suit yourself, skinbag. That I will. Good. Good. Good. Good. - Good. - Good. Good.

Come on, lighten up. What is this, a funeral?

Pretty cool, eh?

Thank you for using Stop-And-Drop-- America's favorite suicide booth since 2008.

- That's the only thing about being a slave. - Attention! You are now possessions of the great Pharaoh Hamenthotep, heir to the Tenth Dynasty, bringer of the good aspects of the annual floods. Incredible! This place is just like the ancient Egypt of my day.

Search me. No, don't. I'm carrying. (LAUGHS) (CANNED LAUGHTER)

The captain's table. What an honor. Our peace ring has 'em trapped like a tiger in a washing machine. Get ready! Okay, watch yourself. Here they come.

Professor, what are you teaching this semester? Same thing I teach every semester. "The mathematics of quantum neutrino fields." I made up the title so that no student would dare take it. "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals." I'll be there. Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing Scaz-Wag. Why, if she were here, I'd-- Uh-oh. Is she behind me? No, I'm in front of you.

Oh, you have got to be kidding.

As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%. (VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING LOUDLY) Do you mind doing that later? Bite my shiny metal ass.

Don't listen to him, Lrrr. Bender may seem happy (BENDER LAUGHING) but long-term, you need to reinvest in your relationship with Ndnd. Yes, it's clear what I must do.

(BUZZER SOUNDING) Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process. Matt will now take questions. But please, only about Futurella,

As long as we're here why don't we take in some exotic dancing? Hey, great idea.

Ah! Fry! You've been working so hard, we haven't seen you in days. Wait, what? No, I was stuck on... Ow! Stuck on another delivery that he undertook on his own. We're all very lucky and not suspicious to have him.

Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control A-wha-ho A-wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control A-wha-ho A-wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control All right! (ALL CRUNCHING)

Hey, you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?

I'd like to reapply for my old job. Counseling defrostees and assigning them careers. Oh, I was hoping you would come back. I even saved your poster of a chimp expressing your distaste for Mondays. Monday monkey lives for the weekend, sir. just put your hand under the scanner so I can verify your career chip.

Look at that cocky smirk. My money's on Gedgie. Yeah? He may have brains, but I have heart. Josh Gedgie! (LAUGHING) I'll bring the car around.

Bender, cut it out! First of all, the sewer mutants will be mad. Second, everything else that's horribly wrong with what you're doing. Those stupid mutants can't do anything. You seem to be forgetting one simple fact. Namely, I'm up here, and they are safely down--

There. Who needs teamwork when you got Bender? (SCREAMS) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Help! My gyroscope melted! I'm out of control! (BOTH SCREAMING) If the creature kills me,

Oh, my God. Sylvester Stallone!

Words, nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears.

Excuse me. I have to... Someplace. That was odd. Where'd that singing come from? It wasn't the goat. All of its orifices are in use. WOMAN: I dreamed a dream in time gone by

(CRYING) I want to go home!

Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little. I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.

What's this water made of, ice? Forget this!

Oh, man! He's never gonna make it over that next pebble! Wait! Wait! Oh, my God! He made it! Yeah! Way to go! Woo-hoo! That was the greatest thing ever. Let's party. I'm all right

(ROBERTO SCREAMING)

- Fat chance. - Eh, no. Blecch! Ick! Oh. How about this one? Give it up, Fry. I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.

I, too, once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum. But now, it's nearly over. So long.

You doing all right out there, buddy? Better than these gnats. That guy won't be going home to his kids.

(CHUCKLING) (ALL REACTING WITH DISGUST) You ate my kidney? I thought it was one of Hermes' exotic lunches! You can't eat my exotic lunch! That's a serious offense, woman! She ate my kidney! I'm sorry.

No, you have a healthy glow. Oh, my God! I just felt it ferment! Ooh! Let me feel! Have you thought about what to name it? I was thinking "BendËrbrau" if it's an ale, "BOtweiser" if it's a lager. I hope it's a lager, so I can take it to a ball game.

You're a lucky man. But are they way more expensive than regular eggs? Way more. Ooh! I'll take a dozen.

I hid my seven-leaf clover in this very record jacket... so my brother Yancy wouldn't get it. Here goes. It's gone! The whole place has been cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief! How do you know it didn't disintegrate? Everything else in here held up okay.

Uh-oh. She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes I'll kill you, Amy. She'll be coming around the mountain She'll be coming around the mountain, she'll be--

Hey, Dad. What useless contraption are you half-baking today? Er, what? Oh! This is my latest invention. A device that lets anyone sound exactly like me. Good news, everyone. I'm a horse's butt! I am? That's not good news at all, you little--

I couldn't stand it any longer. I...

You drank our emperor! You assassinated him! I didn't mean to. He just looked so cool and refreshing. I'm sure he was. But now he's gone, and your fate is sealed. All hail the new emperor!

winner of five Olympic medals, Coilette from Robonia! So, Coilette, many young fembots wish to emulate you. Any advice for them?

Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world. But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world.

Oh, yeah! Thank you, Linda! You're welcome. Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn. If that is your Freedom Day wish.

Kareem's got the skyhook, but Philip J. Fry's got the space-hook. Yancy drives. He goes up with his patented space-hook. Hey, that's my patented space-hook. You stole it. You're not the president of it.

(GRUNTING) (WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics! What the...

Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab? Me! Ap-dap-dap-dap! What do we say when someone gives you something? 'Bout time! That's my boy! And here's your check. Bam! I gotta go poopy.

Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug cocoa?

Yeah, but in the year 3000 I had it all: several friends, a low-paying job a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man. But you wrecked everything.

if I could just learn to play this stupid thing. Oh, but you can. Though you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by devil, I mean Robot Devil. And by metaphorically, I mean get your coat.

Scuttle on home. This ain't none of your business, slick. My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. John (BLEEP)-ing Zoidberg! Stop! Zoidberg, you'll hurt Francis! Oh, yeah? Take this and that!

Whoa! Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts! Hooray for the humans!

Above all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve the past exactly as it was. Well, I killed my grandfather. Wha--

Well, why is those things?

TV gave us the idea! You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.

Now I'm all you got!

Wow! It's the second most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Hey Leela, want to know what the most beautiful thing is? No. Let's get hopped up.

Here's your damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich! (SPLATTERING)

The box says, "No."

You've worn the same pants for 1,000 years? No wonder they made a run for it. (CHUCKLES) Whoo!

"The Grumpy Snail."

I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body. (IN HERMES'S VOICE) I was inspired by Amy. Wow! How'd you do it? Well,

This is Walter Cronkite saying "I told you so."

You stink, loser. Hey, Fry! Pizza going out. Come on!

(BOTH GASP) Time? I can't go back there! But this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting, like sleep with your own grandmother. I wouldn't want to do that again.

Stop! No! Moron!

You're just jealous. No, I'm not! Oh, wait! I am! But my point remains valid. Fry, I just want to try dating a normal man, who, if you go somewhere with him, no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve that once in life. Be careful with that Adlai, Leela. He's a doctor. They're very poor.

Stupid monkey. No! Not there. Keep trying. Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's all so obvious now.

Happy birthday, Leela. I got you a card, but I guess I kind of lost it. That's okay. I don't really like cards. What I'll remember is our time together.

My buddy's alive, and his credit cards are valid again! Let's go get hammered!

Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical order? What? The zipper. It should be at the bottom. Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.

Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh, this is the reason we exist. This is which ceiling fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it!

I'm sorry, Fry but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all. Oh. What's it called now? Urectum.

Another shocking twist!

Come and knock on our door na na na na na na Um, Mr. Roper, What's the holdup? Kiss my daughter already! Wait. I'm confused. Now, tell me, Fry-- Which one of these ladies are you involved with? Uh-- Na na na na na na Captain, may I have a word with you? No. It's an emergency, sir.

That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away... from. Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused. Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. Go ahead. I won't stop you. Threaten all you--

This capital city Planet Amazonia.

This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Ooh. Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

I'm going to open a file of whoop-ass on you!

Wait. Don't take a shower, Fry. You smell kind of nice. (INHALES DEEPLY) Smell... Yeah. Huh? KIF'S FATHER: No hanky-panky. Everyone sleep in separate rooms. Good night, Kif. Night, Fry. Huh?

The traffic jams of old New York were a public forum for the free interchange of opinion. Move it, crap-for-brains! Bug off! Get home, bastard man! It all started with Gerald Ford's famous invention the automo-car, which was powered by a tank of burning fossils.

This sort of thing always happens with office romances. Don't worry, Fry. We'll have your body all fixed up in a few days. Oops-a-daisy. Well, Amy, I'll try not to interfere with your life too much. Fry!

Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extensomatic arms. Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying! I'm a-comin'!

Sweet mercy! My hellish nightmare is over! I never have to party again. Well, that's that then. We're back, everyone! Party! (ALL CHEERING) Yeah!

You're my kind of soldier, Lemon-- A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-belly pile of ugly muscle. So, any of you fellas got a special lady back home? Well, I sort have a thing for this girl I work with. Really? What type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops? Cyclops.

(STRAINING) Wait. Hang on a sec. (STRAINING) I still can't do it. Well, what do you know? I guess you really don't want to shoot me after all. Oop! The safety was on. (SCREAMING)

That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are-- you will never work on my show! Yea! Bender! We demand Bender! However, you've got the job. Welcome aboard, son. Father-O!

This is so unfair. I liked you back when you were a cyclops. That guy's only interested now that you have two eyes. You're just jealous. No, I'm not! Oh, wait! I am! But my point remains valid. Fry, I just want to try dating a normal man, who, if you go somewhere with him, no one says he's crummy.

I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are. Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.

It's just lucky Bender had a RoJack installed. When I activate it, the police should be able to locate him. FEMALE VOICE: Locating. Locating. MALE VOICE: Located.

When I see you alone

It's hopeless. You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more. And cover your ears and go, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hi. I'm a naughty nurse and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. Oh. You're a dollar naughtier than most.

Pop A poppler in your mouth when you come to fishy joe's what they're made of is A mystery where tHey come from, no one knows you can pick 'em, you can lick 'Em you can chew 'Em, you can stick 'Em if you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

Nobody knows more about Star Trek than me! I beg to differ! Long have I waited for the one who played Spock. At last we can begin. Cool! A Star Trek convention!

"I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. Here's to another lousy millennium. Five, four, three, two--

What the hell is that thing? It appears to be the mother ship. Then what did we just blow up? The Hubble telescope.

I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once, but I knew he was up to no good. Please use the beeps. Oh!

There he is. Seize him. Who said that? Uh! Hey! Hey! Oh! Ow! No! There.

NARRATOR: And so the endless circle of life comes to an end, meaningless and grim. Why did they live, and why did they die?

I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me. That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.

No. Nothing. Hold onto your dookie. It's about to get spooky!

Gus, old chum, let's give a friendly welcome to this new robo. - What did you call me? - A robo. You know, a robot hobo. Oh, okay. I thought you said "romo."

Shmoly crap! We've got to get Fry and Leela out of this habitat before they humiliate themselves. Please, Amy, the act of love is a beautiful and natural... Oh, my God, cover your eyes! Come on, we better talk to the zoo director.

Okay, okay. I'll take the 500 lizards. No, wait. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. The parrot.

Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks. Deal. How could I let this happen?

Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Pick a mouth, open it, and say What? My mother was a saint! Get out.

She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.

Help! I was attacked in my bathroom! By my bathroom! I'm being haunted by a ghost! (ALL LAUGHING) Fry, you're just upset because you drove Bender to suicide. Here. Take your mind off it with these soothing relaxation balls.

Floyd? Who the hell's Floyd? I'm Hubert! You're Hubert? The older brother? (GASPING) But we thought you were still in an institution! Oh, no, no. I was out within 25 years. It felt like a minute compared to grad school.

Are you familiar with the old robot saying, "Does not compute"?

Fencing diamonds, fixing cockfights Publishing indecent magazines You'll pay for every crime Knee-deep in electric slime You'll suffer till the end of time Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme Trapped forever here in robot hell.

P-U! This fish is slightly too rotten to even make jambalaya.

It's funny. You live in the universe, but you never do these things till someone comes to visit.

Thank you, prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence. Hey, wait a minute. Isn't anyone going to defend us? Yeah. I mean, he may not have a case but I'm genuinely not a human. Quiet, human! Uh-oh. He froze up again.

That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.

That form isn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment. Yes, but you only stamped it four times. No, no. I was young and reckless. Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct.

(GROANING) Commence mercy-killing in three, two, a-yup.

You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!

To the Science Mobile! You mean the ship? Yes. The Science Mobile! It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.

Come on, Adlai. She could really use a mom and dad. Ear Face! Ear Face! Sally won the ugly race! On the other hand, the children bring up a good point. She does have an ear on her face. Well? So what? She may be different, but she still deserves a good home.

(HEART MONITOR FLATLINING) I'm sorry. She's gone. (SOBBING) Whoo-hoo! In your dead face, little girl! I'm not even gonna wait to dance on your grave.

Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh, this is the reason we exist. This is which ceiling fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! "Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate. By Bender."

Bad news, friends. My shell ran. Zoidberg, you idiot! My outfit-- It's-- It's-- - Kind of cool. - Yeah. I like it. Me too, now that I'm used to it. Then it was all on purpose. You're lucky to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that.

These gifts have been coming nonstop. I think Calculon's falling for you. Ah! Any day now he'll dump me for a new wad of arm candy. And then I can turn back into a guy and hock all this stuff. It's just a game.

Hi. Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone? No, thanks. And you, sir? No, thanks. I--

So what's your problem? Those sweaty nerds are making illegal copies of us. Ow! It hurts! Open this door! Don't make me call the maintenance guy. It's a bluff. We can't take that chance.

But have you forgotten my mastery of the dramatic... Executive Alpha? (ALL EXCLAIMING) ...pause?

Please stop sinning while I'm singing Selling bootleg tapes is wrong Musicians need that income to survive Hey, Bender, going to make some noise With the hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five

We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him. Freeze!

Odor at magnitude eight. Magnitude 12. Magnitude 31. We're breaking up. Turn on the anti-smell device. Hmm, sporty.

Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mamas. I'm just glad my fat ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.

Fry's in trouble and he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me. I like you. You do? Look, are you going to help or not?! I don't know why I should. I mean, after what he... Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What is it you like best about me? Is she coming?

his in-your-face interface. I am Bender. Please insert girder. But, but, Bender need brain for smart making.

What words? Star Trek? Shh! Shut your gills! That sound. It's patrol car 718! Hide him!

It's time to activate the bomb.

(LAUGHING) It's funny because it's mean. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever. Wah-ooh Wah-wah-ooh He's doing it again.

This is where I keep various lengths of wire.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee--

The deal will go ahead as-- My bones! Oh, my God! His bone-itis!

Well, too bad we've got to make that urgent popcorn delivery. It'll get there.

There were no survivors. Takes all kinds.

Ooh. Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise. Uh, what's with the getup?

I'm a talentless buffoon! And it's all your fault! Why did you drag me back to this mortal realm? I was enjoying a happy death, thinking I had died a star, until you showed up. Sorry. Let us make it up to you. How about we kill you again? Never. I'd be dead for all eternity knowing everyone thinks I'm a washed-up ham.

One more hit, and we're done for! Let's take him out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3-- Thanks a lot, Takei! Now everybody knows!

when the clock stopped and another came two hours later, at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse. Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--

(COUGHS) So sober, so weak. Things really worked out nicely this time. (SNORING)

We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him. Freeze! Seize them! - Seize them! - Seize them!

the Goophy Gopher Revue. Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's a little "meteor." This is weak. Address all complaints to the Monsanto Corporation.

Goose liver? Fish eggs? Feh! Where's the goose? Where's the fish? That's what rich people eat-- the garbage parts of the food. I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. Farewell, good sir. Whoo-Whoo-Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!

He did it! He actually did it this time. (GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it.

Oh, no. You're going to die, all right, but it won't be suicide. It'll be murder.

Bender, no! Suicide isn't necessarily the answer. It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth. They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cell phone around.

I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Chief! Me find huge hole melted in ice, out past Cesar Chavez ridge! Hole go all the way outside! This very interesting. Maybe someone look into it, many years from now. But, Chief, this means we're not trapped anymore!

Behold! A time-traveling machine! (BOTH GASP) Time? I can't go back there! But this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting, like sleep with your own grandmother. I wouldn't want to do that again.

Oh, God. Fry, I'm so glad to see you. I didn't hurt you, did I? Not physically but why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela? I tried to run you over? It was very sweet of you, Bender.

You're a crazy, penniless lobster doctor. No combination of you should be a comedian. But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle Harold was a big Hollywood star... back in the era of silent holograms. Your uncle was Harold Zoid? This I cannot deny.

That's tasty. Too tasty. (SCREAMING) It burns. It... It burns! What's happening? The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.

then who are we to judge? Amen!

(SOBBING) Would it cheer you up if I punched Fry in the groin? 'Cause I'll do it, regardless. Body blow! Body blow! (GROANING) I devoted every waking minute to answering the fundamental questions of science.

He put in carpeting yesterday and now my head hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realize you're standing at a weird angle? Now you're okay. Look at yourself-- you're a wreck. You've got to find a new place to live. Is that an invitation? Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously, you've got to tell Bender you're moving out.

Members of the jury did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters? That's the guy right there. - Right over there. - Yes, indeed. And are y'all going to vote to convict him? Oh, yeah. The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony.

Ooh, ooh, I want to axe it a question. As a robot living among humans I've never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So, I've always secretly wondered... what if I was 500 feet tall? Let's watch, shall we?

Except for the word "blern," that was complete gibberish.

Kill all humans. Kill all humans. Must kill all... Bender, wake up! I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.

Well, I guess you should have had two eyes. Just deliver the package, and let's get out of here. Screw that! I ain't no delivery boy. I'm the company chef. You're the chef, are you? Then why don't you make us something nice to eat? (GRUMBLING)

Oh... uh! I'm going to open a file of whoop-ass on you! Bender, do you know who that was?

(ZAPP YODELING)

Uh-oh. He froze up again. Try control-alt-delete. jiggle the cord. Turn him off and on. Clean the gunk out of the mouse. Call technical support. Okay, okay, he's back on-line.

MAN: And now, the unrelated conclusion. Hello, Fry. Hey, Fry!

But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain. Exactly. (ALL GASPING) Oops. Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

But why did you have to blast us with that deafening music? What, you mean the key fob? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) ALL: Ahhh!

You're opening a retirement account for six dollars? I'm sure a wealthy-- -- mule farmer like yourself... is aware that we charge a ten dollar monthly fee. You gotta spend money to make money. Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by four dollars.

I call it a Hawking Hole. No fair-- I saw it first. Who is The journal of Quantum Physics going to believe? Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates that some event was supposed to happen, but didn't due to a quantum fluctuation. That's why we had to beat you with tennis rackets.

Has anyone seen Bender? Bender! Here, robot, robot, robot! Hey, why weren't you Kong Donkeys outside cleaning up? They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job... and eating penguin eggs.

Our peace ring has 'em trapped like a tiger in a washing machine. Get ready! Okay, watch yourself. Here they come. When you were planning this peace ring,

Ahh! Whew! Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest girl in the world! Ow! You know, if you still want your land, we could just trade back for it.

Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you! Ray-blocking power!

After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njord, Fry scored a string of top-ten hits with his rock band Leaf Seven, known for their hypnotic rhythms, driving bass lines and memorable hooks. That's what I'm known for! Phil came in, right? He strummed out this tune, yeah? And I said, "That's a number-one record."

Dear God! He's having a heart attack!

What was wrong with your date last night? I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue.

Hey, Fry, think fast. Get it? It's chlorine. It's funny because it's poisonous. Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp, but he's bad news.

(FRUSTRATED CRY)

Update Facebook status home?

Shut up, Kif. How dare you talk that way to my Kif?

A storm is gathering. A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire. It's probably a firestorm. If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any.

People of Osiris Four,

I don't remember any of that. But I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself. Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials-- $10. There you go. What have I done?

(GROANS) What's wrong, Fry? Are you regretting another wasted year?

Insert coin. I am your friend... Bonder. Bonder? Is it really you? Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy ten dollars. Wait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder! It's Bender! You're a fraud!

I am a battle-droid, sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots. I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy! I-i'm just not user-friendly. Fry, don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan! Let's see how much of a robot you really are--

our mighty race was already 17 years old. Aww! For the first millisecond of time, things were okay, but then there arose a terrible enemy-- the Brain Spawn.

(SIREN WAILING)

You'll have to get through me first.

Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old... but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. It's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.

I just know these things.

(UPBEAT INTRO MUSIC PLAYS) Hello, Planet Express! I'm Dan McMasters, and I'll be your retreat leader for a week of fun and personal empowerment. I hope you're happy! Who are you? Jackie Jr., ma'am.

jiggle the cord.

You'd be stupid to try. I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard. Never! A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires. Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job.

BENDER: In and out of the club 13 times in one night. That's a record. Where's Travers? All I see is you going in and out. Yeah, me. I set the record. (SCOFFS) This is as useless as those pictures you photoshopped. Look, just give me one more chance. I got a source.

Uh, sir-- Who threw that? That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs. Oh, I'm boned.

Private, I want that toilet bowl so clean, I could eat off it! 'Cause I intend to! Well, gadzooks, Sarge.

(TUNE PLAYING) Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine... But, you know, happy birthday and all, and, I love you. (SCREAMS) My card!

Now, let's have breakfast. I hope everyone likes eggs.

I did do the nasty in the past-y.

(GROANING) LEELA: Bender, be careful! Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) FRY: I guess we should have waited in the ship.

If you want Calculon to race to the lasergun battle in his Hover Ferrari, press one. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press two. Enter now. You have pressed two. No, I didn't. I'm almost positive you did.

(FRY COUGHS) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying that guy at the apartment was some kind of exact copy of Fry? 'Cause that's crazy. He's a unique and beautiful object. (GASPING) The printer.

Hey, he was smart. He could fetch. I can fetch!

Hey, stop that. I command you, you jerk. Just get out. Whoa!

Well, at least it'll help reduce their population. Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.

In other words, no. Ohh! All hail Femputer! All hail Femputer!

Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Why, those are the grunka-lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. Tell them I hate them.

(CLANGING) Yeah, Daddy hates welchers. The only thing he hates worse is witnesses. And guys who mess around with his daughters. And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.

Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.

Because you're idiots.

Hooray for the humans!

Look, let's just agree that gang violence is an important issue with no easy answers. Okay.

Here, let me help you.

Okay, Fry. We're done putting on the bra.

Party, Bender! Party for your life! No chance, high-pants! I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond!

even if it's only 'cause I clean up your poop. The poop eradication is but one aspect of your importance. Did-Did you just talk? Indeed. And I have other amazing powers as well. Like what? Ooh!

The moonwalk. The robot. The Zero "G."

That was great! And no one suspects a thing. And that's how we learned our lesson. You've gone too far this time.

This is so hot! Conquer me, Lrrr! Sharpen your horns on my scaly thorax! (SCREAMS)

Ooh, ancient Wall Street.

Why, if it isn't my favorite head on Amy's body: Fry. Ah! Leela! We were just on our way out. Nonsense. The evening's young. So, Gary, what do you do for a living? I'm a banking industry regulator.

I don't feel good.

Haah! Hmm? Huuh!

Now if I could only afford the one. And the car. Ah, the years. So many memories. So many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies. Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) We can dip left slide right all night It's time to be wild Freestyle It's on and poppin' Ain't no stoppin' Us from rockin'

Thanks, everybody. Looks like I'm back in the game. Yeah, the game of old maid. (LAUGHS) Excuse me, sir, are those yours? You're damn right, and before you ask, this is mine, too. (BARKING) Tough break, Amy. Are you and Kif getting divorced?

I hate these nerds! Just 'cause I'm stupider than them, they think they're smarter than me. Kill them all, starting with the math teacher!

(SIGHS) Then I suppose the honorable thing would be to kill myself.

Of course, every now and then, you want to knock it up a notch with a blast from your spice weasel. Bam!

He messed up my hair. I'm missing a leg!

Why did it give us those hallucinations?

Bend some other stuff! (LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) Bend! Bend! He loves bending, just like me. Aw! I'm gonna call him Ben after the first half of me, Bender. (BURPS) That's my bastard.

It's time we solved this problem the old-fashioned way.

Ready? One, two, three, pull! There! That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice-versa.

I know you well enough that no creature could ever fool me. No matter how much it looked like you. Leela, I'm honored, but for your own safety, you shouldn't trust anyone, not even me. But I'm just so scared. Kiss me.

(ALL CHEERING) Thank you so... Okay, thanks. Thanks so... Settle down! So, anyway, we're really excited to show you guys the pilot for our new series. It's set in the year 4000, and we call it Futurella!

Free corn? Well, that'll suit me just fine. - (SCREAMS) - (CRASHING)

You can take off these rubber bands now. I'll do it. Stop! No! Moron!

And with a little more luck from my seven-leaf clover, I might get sick enough to miss the whole semester. Hey, give me that. No. Give it to me, you faker. No, you're not getting it. Ow! My underbite! Come on, Yancy, your brother's sick.

Please stand clear of self-destructing basket. A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh?

and should that house currently be on any type of multiple secret probation it will be lifted and I will be forced to serve as grand marshal of a parade honoring them. I say, Robot House. Your watercraft is as ill- designed as you yourselves.

Hurry! I don't want to die at the age of 25! Honey, unless we hit a time warp I wouldn't worry about it.

Look at this! They found those same rubbery tracks right here in New New York. There was a hit-and-run by the Robot Porno Theater. Robot Porno Theater? I was in that... general area last night. Whoever ran me down out on the moors must've followed me back here.

Ugh! Flexo? What's goin' on? Did, um-- Oh! Flexo!

Bender, how could you flush Nibbler down the toilet? Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men? Aren't you upset at all? How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?

Interesting, if true. The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1,000:0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays $1,000 if he wins. Still, very few takers. It's not-not a smart bet.

The others simply aren't levelheaded enough. They're too impulsive-- not like you. Not like old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Leela. Hello? New boots. That's why I've made you my sole heir. The day I die you'll be a very wealthy woman.

Whatever. I'm heading out to my night job. Remember, no loud noise, no head bowling, and no parties, or it'll be your ass in a jar. I want to go to that museum!

You've gone too far this time. All three of you. What did I do? You left the keys in the ignition. I mean, look at those two. Wasn't it obvious what would happen? Yeah, Leela. We're all very disappointed in you. I should fire you three right now. But I'm just not that cold-hearted.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

What people skills! She's completely perfect!

But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.

There's no way I'm letting go of that money! (STRAINING) Told you. (GROANS) (CRYING)

I mean, only one eye.

That's weird. It's another Cyclops. Only this one has five eyes. And here's another one with no eyes.

Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world. But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world. Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bedsores. Not covered.

Stop being a big hallucinating baby. Yeah? Well, could a big hallucinating baby do this? I'm scared.

Hey, hey! A suicide booth. So long, suckers. Uh, sorry, Bender. That's just a phone booth. Oh.

Thank you. A more classic movie plot there isn't. A son who does not want to follow in his father's business, and that business is being president of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens, is vice president.

It's okay, Amy. I don't have a fancy degree either, but today I'm a prominent boy in the package delivery field.

That Guy! Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun-dun, dun--

That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for a... Wait! Stop.

We're heading straight for those trees. Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down. Trees down. Cool. What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down.

BENDER: In and out of the club 13 times in one night. That's a record. Where's Travers? All I see is you going in and out. Yeah, me. I set the record. (SCOFFS) This is as useless as those pictures you photoshopped. Look, just give me one more chance. I got a source.

Because the loser of our bet has to do a double somersault into a tub of alien goat vomit. (CHUCKLING) Wait, let's make it interestinger. Vomit and diarrhea. Good idea. That way we don't waste an end. It's putrid. What do you feed him? What comes out one end, we feed to the other.

Ohh. Well, I'm off. Wait! We can hide you! We'll pile fruit on you and claim you're a bowl. No. I'm goin' to the party. I won't let you!

That isn't what I meant That isn't what I signed You should've checked the wording in the fine Print

Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

(HORN PLAYING FUNERAL MARCH) (TIRES SCREECHING) He did it! He actually did it this time. (GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it. (GASPS) He really is gone! Everyone, put on your taking-off caps.

(LAUGHING) I'll show those G.I. Zapps once and for all when I fire this surface-to-air m... NIXON: Warning shot. Excellent plan, Profestro. That'll blow them straight to he... NIXON: Church.

Robot. Oh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky! Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal. Am I a robot? If this is some kind of scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney. Fry! My skin!

Oh, the guilt. The unbearable guilt!

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Finally, just the two of us. Yeah, I knew it was on one of these albums. MAN: Just the two of us We can make it if we try Just the two of us Uh... What about...

- Bring beer. - No beer till you finish your tequila!

You got any, um, you know, um-- Speak up. You're muttering. I said, uh, human horn? You're not a cop, right? Oh, no. I'm just some guy. Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!

Did you drive much in the 20th century, Fry? No. No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic. Nice. Listen to that baby purr. There's a baby in there, huh?

Daddy Bender, we're hungry! What is it with you kids? Every other day, it's food, food, food! Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food. Could we have Bender Burgers again? No! The cat shelter's on to me.

Everyone, help Mom find her bra. Ew! There it is. Fan beats man!

What are you talking about? Leela! You're alive! Of course I'm alive. I told Fry you were dead so he would cry out the emperor but you had to go and wreck it by surviving. We only got two drops.

Huh! Didn't hurt that time.

ALL: Hey, he's back! FARNSWORTH: Look at you. LEELA: Hubba hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles. Good afternoon, individuals. Sir, would you mind stepping out of the building? Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whip cream in his eyes and run away, but to ditch these losers, gladly.

Women only room!

my mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car. But the places were all taken by surface passengers. As my mother held me tight, I suddenly felt the gentle tap of a cane on my face.

Single female lawyer Fighting for her client Wearing sexy miniskirts And bein' self-reliant Hey, I'm pretty good.

Xmas, huh? You know, this will be my first Xmas away from home. Hey, hey. Let me axe you something. Would it cheer you up if we went and cut down an Xmas tree? Yeah, an old-fashioned Xmas tree. Hey, these aren't Xmas trees. Ho-ho, huh?

Can I tell them? Please, please? I got to tell them. No. You'll only make them feel bad. Let's not humiliate them. Listen to Sparkles. Oh, no.

Who are you talking to? No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender. I love you--

Pretty woman I've never felt so unremarkable! Today, I actually blended in with a crowd! Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with. Hello, jerkbags!

A dog collar for me? You shouldn't have! - That's for Seymour. - Oh.

Very well. Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!

I direct your attention to this ancient and mysterious tablet which has yet to be deciphered. Do you know what it means? Yeah, I asked a cop once. It means, "Up yours, kid."

Engage your mandibles and kiss me. Edna?

What's happening? All 6,000 hulls have been breached! Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls. When will they learn?

Okay, kids. Let's play "find the shiny." (ALL COUGHING) That's even more horrific! Is all the work done by children? No, not the whipping. (WHIP CRACKING)

At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday. By Wednesday, it will be August. And by Thursday, it will be the end of existence as we know it.

- Indeed. - Any calls while I was out? Yeah. You got a telesonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago. My Kiffy called?

Dr. Franklin, your new steam engine is here. I ain't no stinking steam engine! (TIMER DINGS) Chicken's ready. You may go, Louisa. Now I get it.

Sorry you wasted your life, Professor. I guess you'll never know everything after all. Indeed. The pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal. Hooray! (ALL CHEERING) (VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYING)

Soothe us with sweet lies. It may comfort you to know Fry's death took only 15 seconds, yet the pain was so intense that it felt to him like 15 years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels.

Oh, great. Someone had a baby.

And now, the hand-eye coordination lobe. Waah! Waah! No! Stop that! Stop it, man!

Yeah, right on, nutcake. Parole officer says I gotta upgrade... or he won't give me back my stabbin' knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much, I know it won't affect me. Death to the 1-X robots!

And when you create a parallel universe, it's almost always populated by evil twins. Now look. I am not evil. My loan officer said so. Oh, you'd like us to believe that, wouldn't you, Leela? Or should I say, "Evila"?

What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal, and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage, - and does. - Damn right! And the professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. - Oh, ay, eeh, ay. - Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

And now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top... '80s-style.

Hot diggity daffodil!

Ow! Ah, Bender, Fry! You've come back for more eternal damnation. No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry just wants holophonor lessons. Yep. I need to get really good without practicing. Hell is full of 10-year-olds who wanted exactly the same thing.

you as his sole heir! That doesn't prove I killed him. It's a video will. It shows you killing him. All right, anteater number one, who are you protecting? Is it anteater number two?

Fresh-killed bait. (CHOKING) (SHIVERS) Can we get inside the shack? I'm wearing a belly parka.

That's it! This date is over! Waiter!

Psst. You want to buy organ? Fresh and cheap ready for transplant. Ooh, what's this? Ah, it's X-ray eye. See through anything. Wait a minute. This says "Z-ray." "Z" is just as good. In fact, it's better. It's two more than "X."

Shmeezus, it's hot! Why'd I have to invent that awful device? (CRYING) (HISSING) Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or evil. It's how it's used. Like the death ray. Maybe you're right.

No, listen. I freaking love you. And I don't throw that word around. I know you don't. That's why I love you. Are the pizza muffins ready? (ALL SCREAMING) He's here for revenging, that's why!

Oh, let us in! Help us! Oh, help! Oh, no! Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep and there's no trash pickup till january 3. Huh?! Sweet manatee of Galilee. He's on the roof!

Fry, are you all right?

You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher. Ow! I think you misunderstood the concept of Bendering time.

Sweet ego of Montego!

Hello? Pizza delivery for... "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. Every time! It's no use. Nothing else happened till I fell in the freezer tube. Well, that's not quite true.

Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff.

And so, a thousand years later, fry once again infiltrated the Info-Sphere and set off his amazing bomb. Only this time--

Let's find those flowers. We'll split into teams.

Oh, Fry! Gonna sing a little tale about a battle Called Waterloo Bonjour, y'all!

You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge by ratcheting superconducting wire down into... (SNEEZES) Sorry.

Have you seen today's news? "High School Gym Renovations On Schedule"? - What a load! - No. Over here. "Flying Saucer Captured." That's no flying saucer. That's my ass!

I fInd that offensive!

But look in your heart and ask yourself,

It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather? Isn't it obvious? You are. Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.

Hush, you romantic fool.

What? Suicide booths. Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm going to go kill myself. Wait... you're the only friend I have. You really want a robot for a friend?

Must kill all... Bender, wake up!

I'm your host, Ron Popeil-- inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars.

He's come to finish the job!

There's the atom! Aw, geez. Bender? You stole the atom?

The engine's stalled. I'm trying the manual fuel pump. Hello, we're the Robot Mafia--

These are the candidates? They sound like clones. Wait a minute. They are clones!

We have one thing to do. ALL BENDERS: Screw that! Come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one quintillionth of a thing. ALL BENDERS: (SIGHING) All right.

it turns out it was I who thought they were selfish. (HUMMING) Hey, ladies, I found some. What the... (BOTH GRUNTING) There was only enough petroleum oil for four and a half weeks of oil wrestling,

This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feeling a little neglected here. Oh. Sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Shut up.

You just talked yourself out of a sale. Poor Amy. My days of joy and luck are over. Guess I got to quit that club. I can't believe our Leela's gone. You always think you're going to disappear in space before your children. Welcome, everyone.

Mr. President. What the hell?

Well, I think Fry and Amy go together like a lime and a coconut. Do I hear wedding bells? What? No! Really. Oh, dear. Oh, you're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor.

Cheer up, meat bag. You barely touched your amoeba. It looked good, but I just don't feel like eating.

Wha-- Uh, gotta go. Fight club.

The court is intrigued. Perhaps we could hear more about these forbidden words... from someone with a sexily seductive voice. With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars. You mean the vast migration of Star Wars fans? Uh, no. That was the Star Wars trek.

(TORMENTED SCREAMING) You still lose, Bender. You failed to kill Fry, so you're banished to hell. I get a new body, and you get to be a translucent chump till the end of time. Big deal. I saved my friend. As far as I'm concerned, I won. Oh, really?

Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu.

Daddy Bender, I want a piggyback ride! Daddy's tired. Let's just have another dog pile on Fry. Tell us a story, Daddy Bender! Story, story, story! - All right, fine. Gather around. - Yea!

On account of it's like he's floating in a jar? Exactly. The Oracle's visions are recorded on these colored balls. Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide. What's pink polka-dots? Clown slaughter. It happens more often than you'd think. (ALARMS)

The last human ghost, but robot ghosts... 0-1-0-1-1-0-0-1-0-1. What does it mean? It's just gibberish. 1-0-1-0-0-1-1-0-1-0?!

The planet's "kerploding."

Oh, my. Anyway, your immunity... is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time... and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather. I did do the nasty in the past-y.

You want a banana? I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavored energy bars made from tofu. I don't like you.

Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel... and his owner, Fluffers.

Well, that was dumb.

Oh, yeah. You're a bad girl, aren't you?

Hello? Is anyone there? I love you. Oh. Why must I be such a coward?

Ah, the pity! Fated to drift forever through the void as gravity's plaything. Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee!

Oh, Bender! When did you come in? Hold still.

Saw it comin'. I just saw something incredibly cool--

I don't even know you.

It's Fry. Wiggles?

This is a mutiny!

A Burger jerk or a Fishy joe's or a Chiseler or something. Don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere. Yeah, it's probably only got a Howard johnson's. Well, it's a Type "M" planet so it should at least have roddenberries. I'm experienced at foraging.

(MOCK LAUGHING) That's all good fun, but of course a clamp is no substitute for the precision of a genuine... Francis, would you do the honors? (CRYING) Stay off my turf! Yeesh. That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps.

So then the hooker-bot says "That's not my expansion slot." And my friend says "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector." Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh me up. You know, I like it here. What's the rent on one of these jars?

Why must I be such a coward? Kif, I'm headed to the men's room, and I'll be needing an attendant, so-- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. It's all right. I've always thought of myself as a father figure... to some of my more pathetic men.

Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that? Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77! Great list. Except you forgot episode 66. I was getting to that one!

Aren't you a male? Yeah. What's the deal? just when I thought I'd figured out you biological creatures, it's somethin' else! Let me at 'im! Get over here, Kif! Look. I'm sure we're all a little unclear...

(HORSE WHINNIES)

I'm going to go kill myself. Wait... you're the only friend I have. You really want a robot for a friend? Yeah, ever since I was six. Well, okay. But I don't want people thinking we're robosexuals so if anyone asks, you're my de-bugger.

To reclaim it, you'll need to go to Robot Hell and make a deal with the Devil.

Aah! I mean, Ah! That's so sweet. You know, romance is an important part of our work too. Right, everyone? Yeah. Sure. Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?

Plus, it was mostly Kiff's fault. What? Kiff Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonorably discharged.

Yep. Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender. Come on. It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together. Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I? No! You didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money.

Wait, wait, wait. What really killed the dinosaurs? Me!

Until 5:00 P.M.? It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept me up all night with his constant thinking. just thinking and thinking. He's trying to make me look like an idiot. Don't be jealous. Without his special hat Guenter might be no more intelligent than you. Oh! I hate that rodent.

No one will ever want to mate with me. Not with a puny claw like this. Did you see those other guys? They look like giant claws with bodies attached.

But I have list of buyers. You drop charges, I give you list. No dice. Justice don't work that way. Wait. Wait. What if I throw in giant robot head for nice officer? Hmm. Thanks for all your help, officer! My pleasure.

Hello, Leela. I was at a nearby tailor, getting one of my Hawaiian shirts toned down, so I thought I'd drop in for your follow-up exam. Oh! That's so handsome of you. just follow the light with your eyes. Perfect! You know, a guy could fall head over heels for a gal like you.

It was a good life. Kind of lonely, though? Maybe? I was never lonely. Not even for a minute.

Then shut your yaps and back to work

What's so funny?

You call that a wound? That's a boo-boo, tops. But thanks for trying to save me, Fry. Fry? He's-- He's dead.

(BENDERS LAUGHING) I wish it weren't so, but many of these things are true. Anyhow, you've lowered my self-esteem a bit more, but I'm sincerely grateful you came all this way to deliver my fungus chisel. Don't feel bad, sir. It's not your fault. You probably just inherited your appearance - from your mother. What? No one insults my mama!

Sweet lion of Zion.

Ooh! Hey, universe! Check out the dude with the Rolex! Wow! Ostentatious. Except, what good is a candelabra without-- Wait! I know!

Our universe is doomed!

Bender, what is it? Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two. It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two.

What? My mother was a saint!

But a captain can't drink without his first mate. You can drink with me, maybe? I don't feel like drinking. Then if you'll excuse me, I see some ravioli... that only has two shoe prints on it. Three.

That's not nearly loyal enough.

Oh, dear God! Ew! That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.

Uh... jennie McNeal you are charged with jury tampering in last week's case on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman.

Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the chamber of understanding. (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

You're paying for that. I'll have a look but I remind you I'm an expert on humans, not robots. I'm not Bender. I'm Fry. Really? I thought you were the robot. Nope, human. All right, all right, spare me your life story.

What happens if we lose? You'll only win a smaller silver fiddle. Also, I guess I'll kill one of you... Him. We'll do it. Very well, then.

Chef Fritz, thank God you're all right! Come with me, I'll protect you! (LAUGHING EVILLY)

Approved for all audiences! No! NARRATOR: And now, the spicy finale of The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan. That was a close call, but we saved Earth.

It's good to have the old, weird-looking Leela back. Aw, you're a true friend, Fry. I guess there's nothing wrong with being a little weird. Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything. We'll miss you, Daddy Bender. We know robots don't have emotions, but... we drawed you this picture.

I'm going to some other planet where I can concentrate. Searing, searing pain that feels as if it were in a vice. Well, that was rude.

Bender, mon it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch. You call that a couch? I demand a pillow.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(MOSQUITOES WHINING)

Let's try something else. Maybe we should... Put the dice away before I take them away. Wait, I'm getting an idea. What if Fry was supposed to get frozen? Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my idea.

I'm just glad the nightmare is over.

a.k.a., Citizen Snips.

I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81. You mean Brannigan's Law? Right. That law. Which one? Brannigan's Law.

(ALL CLAMORING IN CONFUSION) Oh! Wait, why didn't that hurt? (WOMANLY SCREAM) My wingwang's gone! My girls! My antenna! My kajigger! My gonopores! Look it up.

They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer? It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago? Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away so the electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see--

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

And I'm gonna show him what that means. To the ship! Why don't you just walk? He was only about 20 yards from here. Madam, I am in command now. Such a man. I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.

You can brew your own beer? Sure. The kids at the orphanarium used to do it all the time.

Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realize and never will is-- Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard. Then I've risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter have it sent to my P.O. box.

Show them my medal, Kif. He rented it with his tax refund. So, Leela, will you have the pleasure? What little there is to be had. Tomorrow night at 8:00 then. Smooches. Mwah!

Oh, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters-- Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of you-- Leela, Bender! I missed you so much.

Yay! Yay! So what's the catch? The vaccine requires the original, unmutated, 20th century cold virus, so I need to grind you into a paste. Professor, no! It's okay, Leela. This is all my fault, sort of. If this will save you, then please, turn me into a virus milkshake.

Wow, it hasn't changed in 1,000 years.

Petroleum only forms when organic matter is subjected to intense pressure for hundreds of millions of years. I can't wait that long. I've got ADD.

the prisoners shall hereby be expelled from the sewers...

Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much. Hey, wait, did you haunt me?

Fry, come on! The talent show. What? I'm in the middle of something. But if we don't perform, in what sense do we have an act? Bender, enough! Leave me alone! So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend.

I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine! You've got a degree in bologna. Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist.

But you won this Golden Globe. Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!

Hey, Fry... I'm steering with my ass. That's the best thing I ever saw.

What's the point of living if I can't say ass?

How did this happen?

Let's just stop talking about Xmas. Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived. Xmas!

(BABY CRYING) Eight pounds. I'm naming her Burt.

Was there anything in there that might have been a gift for me? No, nothin'. Not at all. No way, jose. Here it is. You took this from Fry's locker? Hey, the guy's dead. There's no law against grave robbin'.

Hey, rich girl! Look over here. It's me, Bender. I'm being entertaining. La-la-la, look at my head it's okay to look at my head I got a big ol' head And hey! Ho!

Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis 12, but it's been completely destroyed. Why is that good news? They paid in advance.

A little land mammal! Can you believe it, Bender? I'm gonna have my best friend back! I Wo--

Two thousand forty five, 2,046. That's it. We got 'em all except for the big one. Wait, this isn't a real Bender. It's a talking doll from when Bender had that sitcom about the city robot who moves back to the farm. Shut your pumpkin, bumpkin.

Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle! I put you through college, and this is how you repay me?

1-0-1-0-0-1-1-0-1-0?!

No, it was silly of me to object. One foot tall, eight feet, fifteen feet-- What does it matter? You should see the new 16-foot modelS. 16 feet?! Go to hell! I was a fool to think you'd changed, you old bat.

Halt! Who goes there? Don't point that at me. Fry who?

(GRUNTS) There is a way to make a vaccine! There is? Yay! - Of course, there's a catch. - Woo-hoo! Yay! Yay! So what's the catch? The vaccine requires the original, unmutated, 20th century cold virus, so I need to grind you into a paste.

Look, if you could act like that, without all the pausing and pretentiousness, you could be great. No, Leela. In the world of theater there are no second acts. You're not leaving. We're gonna get you your job back.

What if I refuse? Then you'll be fired. Fine. Out of a cannon into the sun. But I don't like being a delivery boy. Well, that's tough.

Versus The Foreigner. I'm not from here. I have my own customs. Look at my crazy passport.

One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown! I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! She said go! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

But it was my life.

"One if by land, two if by sea." The British are coming! The British are coming! By land. By land. Gotta treat this OCD. Gotta treat this OCD.

(BEEPING) Oh, no. It's achieved consciousness! God forgive us for creating this.

Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle! I put you through college, and this is how you repay me?

He's been dead since yesterday! What? He's dead? Whoo! I'm killin' dudes in my sleep! Yo! Clean up! And so, with the threat to the Beachmaster's supremacy eliminated,

Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really going to hurt me with a-- Hey, what are you doing with that microwave? Okay, that's it. No more killing.

I'll never forget him, but he forgot me a long, long time ago. If it

They're only a foot high, Professor. Well, they're still young-- mere atomic superboys, really. We'll need to speed up their growth... with time particles called chronitons. Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civiliza--

Now there's no way to stop this marriage without hurting Calculon. But he's an actor. If there's one kind of pain he can handle, it's soap-opera pain.

It was all my fault! He died because of me! No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm lying to make her feel better.

Don-bot, I beg you. I can't make this week's loan payment. Look into your hard drive and open your "mercy" file. File not found.

Hello. What's this flaming pool? You mean the company lava pit that goes all the way to the Earth's fiery core? Uh, I don't know. The core? Oh, this is too easy.

I love killing people--

Well, we just need one of those big ice cubes. Someone should call the losers who were supposed to deliver it. Hello? President Nixon here. I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice. And hurry up. I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover... tryin' to squeeze into a new girdle.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) If it's alive, don't lick it Like a horse, a turtle or a cricket I like turtles! So, if you're not sure if it's alive or dead

We're done putting on the bra. Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?

Do it! It is your destiny! Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans. (BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh! Nuts. You shot me! You miserable dingus! And now the part I didn't show you. Oh!

Oh! Ahhh! Hello.

we're in trouble.

Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show? He oughta be, with all the strict training I've been putting him through. Nibbler, roll over, and you get a ham. Roll over. Roll over for the ham.

Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close.

I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Don't you have a self-destruct button?

(ZAPPING) You stink, loser.

This is an outrage.

He's busteds. Let's get hims outta heres.

Everyone's fired, and we're out of business. Oh, no! I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors.

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Oh, no! I don't care 'cause the master's gone away it's toe-tappingly tragic.

What's that weird cat?

Well, ma'am, I-- What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait a minute. You don't have your own body. No, but I control this arm. Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think I can do better. Wait! Come back, uh, darling. Can't, hon. I got to catch my bus back to Nutley. I'd kiss you good night but I lost my teeth pulling out a stump.

Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old... but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

Transmission over.

I'm going to get 24th century on his ass.

Pleased to meet you. Actually, we've met once before. What?

Hey, where are you going? I don't know and I don't care. Yay, I'm back. Wait, this is my stop. Oh. This guy. Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry,

Technology is defeated! Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks! Yes! Hooray! I'm for that. Whoa. Whoa. No one wants to count rocks more than me, but our mission is not complete-- not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority.

Sorry, but we need to practice hand-to-hand combat... in case an enemy knocks the laser guns out of our hands... and they slide way across the room.

Oh, you're right. I can't. Uh-- Geez, don't get upset.

Uh, I had a nightmare I was in the year 2000 and you guys never existed. I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here. Since when do you care about us? We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. No, that's not true. Good-bye. Whee!

(BARKS) (SIGHS) (SNARLS) Back off, losers! Stay away from my beaches! You big bully! Bite my freshly molted, blubber-filled ass. You're just a giant lump of fat! Do you even have an ass under there? I'm 40% ass! Arf, arf!

We're in another universe. You're not in charge anymore. It is possible for the Philip Fry to resume his life... on December 31, 1999.

If it please the Council... Silence! It pleases the Council. Silence! Today, as every day, we will make the most important decisions in the history of our planet. BENDER: Silence! (ALL GASPING) Silence! Well? Speak up. You talk of important decisions,

- and does. - Damn right! And the professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. - Oh, ay, eeh, ay. - Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant. Tally me banana! Amy's a klutz from Mars. Oops! And Fry, you've got that brain thing! I already did. So, Leela, do you want to be like us?

Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer.

BENDER: Oh, no! They're forming Gigatron!

And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps.

Yes. But first, since I love you all so much I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry. Oh, uh, but I don't want to.

Sentimental drivel poop!

Damn. One rock short of rescue!

The world? That's where I live!

Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human,

Wow. The burial chamber of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader-- Al Sharpton. Ooh. Now, this guy had taste. It says he was mummified in ceremonial vestments. We sometimes called it a jogging suit.

You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-And-Drop-- America's favorite suicide booth since 2008. Lousy, stinking rip-off. Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk.

Now, your only chance is a classic death scene. One with a lot of "thy's" and "thou's." Voila. The tragic end of Rome O. and Julie T. That's Romeo and Juliet, dummy, by Will.i.am Shakespeare.

Interesting stuff. Stay tuned for more:

What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue?

Nothing. Nothing. Crap. Crap. Garbage. Read 'em and leak saltwater.

How come nobody's ice fishing? Hot cocoa break. Cocoa is for yodeling babies. If you're sober, it isn't ice fishing. (CHOKING)

How are we going to get there without a hover car? Wait! In my time, we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering. Impossible. It was called... let me think. It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one. The wheel! Never heard of it. Show us this... the wheel.

Can I do the countdown? Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff.

I forgot how to be your son. Why, Antonio? Because... I have amnesia!

You must deliver a pizza to Dog Doo Eight, a planet at the edge of the universe.

Thank you, Bob Barker.

Right on, Professor Freaksworth. Get a job! We've got the box. Everyone, pull your wires. Whoa!

Guys, guys, it's me, Bender. (ALL GASP) He's alive!

"Worst play in history." "Calculon dies for second time." "Theater to be demolished to remove stink of new show." "Twelve hospitalized for boredom at play."

(GROANING) All right, step aside. Time to let my bad boys loose. I am Brrr, devourer of fish and honey!

(YELLS) Leggo my eggo, crabbo!

So, it's a stone. Is it real? Hooray! Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal? Not in Space, Massachusetts.

Ah, Zoidberg, we've known each other so long that sometimes I don't think we even need words to understand each other. What?

Let's see who this dragon ghost really is. (SQUEAKING) ALL: George Takei? That's right. And I would never have gotten away with it, regardless of you meddling kids.

Bender, hurry up! This one is really good. But I can still do better. Who are you people? Why are you attacking my ego? You stole our friends' life forces. Ah, yes. I warned the robot, but he wouldn't listen. You see, I was once like the rest of my species,

You dumb bastards!

Well, gentlemen, it appears we're boned.

How can I ever repay you? Do you need a slave? Or maybe a butler? No, I haven't needed a butler since grad school. But I do need a doctor. I don't want to die like those Marines, John. The fever, the madness. Don't forget the spasms, coma and death.

All trade with the Omicronians stops today. And that includes cultural exports. Cultural? I'm talking about TV! Nixon out! (HOWLS) No! (NIXON HOWLING ON TV)

Wonderful. And while you're under the knife, you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies. That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile! WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO--

when suddenly, I realized my bathwater had been transformed into alcohol. Alcohol? (CHEERING) Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Mmm!

The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains. Fools should have known it's fatal for anyone but robots and Billy Dee Williams. So, if I don't shoot Bender all my other friends will die? Fate is a freaky mistress. Much like the chief. Look out!

It has motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors. So does my butt but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...

Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,

How could he bring me into this world knowing I would die? So you wish you were never born, maybe?

One Eye, One Eye! Stupid as a French guy! One Eye, One Eye, One Eye, One Eye--

Should we do something? There's no hurry.

We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch. Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me! This our comedy club. Humor here funny in different way. It not reinforce stereotypes.

We must be close. We're hitting an occasional (SQUEAKY VOICE) helium pocket.

Good-bye. Whee! This dream brought to you by Lightspeed Briefs.

(YAWNING) I don't trust that MacZongo. Maybe I should go keep an eye on Mr. Peppy. Don't worry about MacZongo. He and I are having brunch tomorrow. I'm thinking of wearing this.

Wheee! Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Wah! Ahhh!

Melllvar's got a spaceship! Yes! In mint condition! And you made me take it out of the package!

Something's not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind.

What kind of two-timing killmobile are you?

Well, there goes the neighborhood. There goes another neighborhood.

That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc. Besides, I'm not on trial here. That's true. You're on trial in Courtroom Three. You are charged with two counts of burgle-arson-arceny. How do you plead? Not inno-guilty-cent.

Let me give you something to help you relax. Yah-ahh! Look, there's been a terrible mistake.

Free beer. Free beer.

Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag, and I did it with pride. For to express oneself by doing a thing... is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderful people.

Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folksinger.

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program of The Jonas Brothers and their orchestra to bring you a special bulletin.

(CAMERAS CLICKING) FEMALE REPORTER: Mr. Bender! Over here, over here! Small quote from you, Mr. Bender. Scoop Chang, New New York Magazine, Kosher Recipes Editor, iPad Edition. Ma'am, what happened in there? Well, I was shoplifting a lamb chop when suddenly fire erupted from the liver tray. Next thing I knew, I was carried to safety by this strapping young what-you-call-it.

(EXCLAIMS) Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing,

Oh! The Colonial dustup. Well, there's nothing we Brits enjoy more than a good documentary. Turn on the tellyvisor, Dr. Zoidsmythe. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I'll dial up the Beeb. They've always got a nice docky-wocky on.

Oh, right. I let this innocuous fellow use it. Kill all humans! Whoa, whoa, whoa. A toy Bender had free will, and the real Bender didn't? Pretty cool, eh? It makes you think.

I am shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked. I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo.

A lot of Bender fell out of the crow's nest. We need to cut the line. Enough of your mad obsession with Bender, Fry.

You mean the company lava pit that goes all the way to the Earth's fiery core? Uh, I don't know. The core? Oh, this is too easy. Once I make my way there, your planet will go micro-nova and become a miniature sun, with me as its supreme alderman. (LAUGHS EVILLY)

An unattractive prospect. While researching for the role I ran computer simulations demonstrating incontrovertibly that the whole bio-enclosure concept is fundamentally flawed... be it expressed via dome, sphere, cube... or even the stately tetrahedron... buddy!

Well, well, well. Do my eyes believe me, or is that my bosomy swan, Leela? Say again? You're breaking up. Ohh! Good news, everyone. You'll be delivering pain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel 7!

Fry, meet Norm. How's it goin', pal? Still pickin' up transmissions from the C.I.A. on your teeth? They just won't stop! The C.I.A. Cafeteria menu for the week of May 15 is as follows.

I had no idea the company would be sold! I was just an innocent suck-up! You've got to believe me! just leave us alone, and let us clear out our lockers. Yeah! It's so sad.

Where's that blue box with our universe in it? Oh, you'd like to get back to your evil universe, wouldn't you? And destroy your box with our universe inside it. Nonsense. I would never do such a thing. Unless you were already having been going to do that. Wha--

I should fire you three right now. But I'm just not that cold-hearted. You're all fired.

Wait a minute. There's a chance I could lose? That wasn't part of the deal.

(LOW WHINING SOUND) (GASPS) He's alive. At least his butt is. (BENDER GRUNTING) Fry? Bender. I knew you wouldn't abandon me for much more than a week.

Never fear. My magic fingers still know how to do their stuff. To escape the robot death squads we'll take Mother to her rustic cabin in the Bronx. You can get there using this precious non-computerized map. Leela bring fire? No, we're set for fire, thanks.

Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend-- a 90-degree bend-- to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment. Professor, we're all sick of your upbeat attitude. Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote.

His name is Helper, and he's eager to be your new best friend. Hello there, chum! I understand you miss your buddy. - Have a pudding pop! - No thanks. I don't-- Who wants to go to an amusement park? Well, I guess that sounds okay. Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back. What? Really? No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.

You, Fry. Bender, while you still have your giant brain, please tell me if Fry and I ended up together. It's too late, Leela. He's good old Bender again. He's totally useless. Well, not totally. Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions.

Fry to battle stations! Fire torpedo number three! Firing torpedo number three. That's not torpedo three! That's not torpedo three at all.

What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir? Take them to the laundry brig.

No! We're ruined! They know our disgusting secret! Oh, no...!

I don't really like coffee. Neither do I. Ooh. I feel a little tipsy. Let me pick up the check.

We've got to go to The Central Bureaucracy and get that disk back. Oh, yes, we must. Yeah. Why? Well, those arguments aside, we're still going.

Dearly beloved, it is with the great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Hey! What the...

Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth.

People of Earth I am jurr of the planet Omicron Persei I Eight. Could someone lower this thing for me?

Commemorative turkey basters. Get your commemorative turkey basters. Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry, and I've tried everything. All right. Never mind. Oh, the guilt. The unbearable guilt!

You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe!

This wangs chung.

(GRUNTING) Bender! You're stealing your own stuff! I am? Geez, I better slow down. I'm stealing stuff I don't even need.

Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl. I'll put on my tutu.

Nah, I'm comfy. Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan.

Yi-ah! Ye-ah! Yee! Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go to junior championships. Bill, congratulate Keith when he regains consciousness. But Master Funog, I can beat these dorks with one eye closed.

On what grounds do you challenge my authority? Well, I'm older than you. I can beat you up. Yeah, I bet he could. He's got arm hair. All right, Grandpa, there's only one way to settle this. Death-rolling!

Give me a worst-case scenario. And make it grim. I've prepared some projections. Should the virus escape Manhattan, this is how far it will spread in 12 hours. This is 24 hours. This is a Verizon coverage map. And in 36 hours, it will have infected the entire planet. Options?

Oh, no! I'm back at the wheel, Fry. Everything's under control. Great, great. The one time I forgot to buy flight insurance. Aah! They're coming straight toward our proximity!

of a billion art-house movie patrons. Thus they travel from world to world, making everyone stupid... in order to wipe out all thought in the universe. Wipe out all thought? My God! They're like flying televisions! And even we are powerless to stop them, fearsome though we are.

Oh, my spirit! Great-grandpa, no-O-o! Another victim of the menocentric male-ocracy.

until both males are exhausted or dead.

Your training is complete, little dessert spoon.

and we had just finished building a miniature black hole. That was easy. Pretty scrawny black hole. It must be hungry. Tuh. Black holes don't need food. Neither do nerds. My Manwich! That's it, Brett.

But... Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide it any longer. Fry and I have fallen in love and we're going to mate tomorrow. What?!

Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. Yep. Oh, thanks, baby.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty. Shopkeepers not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty!

It's cool. Back off! My knee, I scraped it. Aw, poor little guy. Let me just take a look at-- Ah-ha! I won! I'm the new chief! I'm the tallest and I weigh the most! Hand it over, you giant idiot.

Ah, this is the life! Another martini, please! Shaken, not stirred. Oh, yeah!

Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret. From everybody? Especially from everybody. Give several reasons why. For one, superheroes cause a lot of collateral damage, and we don't want to get our butts sued. Or do we? No, I guess not. Also, if our identities get out,

Look, friends. I accidentally learned to tap dance.

You have saved your planet from becoming a lifeless ball of fire. You are now the greatest hero in Earth's history. Yes! Suck it, Gilgamesh!

- Aaah! - Ah, Bender, this is a surprise. For you finding me in the refrigerator!

Brought to you by-- The Space Pope Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry? Ooh! I knew I should've shown him Electro-Gonorrhea: The Noisy Killer.

If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing.

To quote the Prophet jerematic "One-zero-zero-zero "One-zero-one-zero- one-zero-one-zero-one... "zero-zero-one... zero-One-One-zero-zero-One... Two."

Why? Why did he do this to me? All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I'm gonna die! I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender!

ALL: Yay! Poor Lando. This is just how I want to remember him. Too bad, 'cause he's still alive. Lando? Told you I'd be back. You've grown, Junior. I'm 61. I don't know him. What else you got?

Tangled-up Christmas lights. We can take shifts untangling them. And unlabeled booze. Wide-mouthed too!

Anyone have access to a lofty realm of gravy? I can conceive of gravies that would boggle your tiny mind! But it's not safe here, so I'll need to find a hideout. Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kind of supervillain?

You see, what you saw was merely a simulation I rigged up using the ship's holographic targeting projector. The alleged telescope was a toilet paper tube. You said there wasn't any toilet paper! And that humanity was annihilated! My motives were pure. I just wanted you to think we had to save humanity,

Uh-- Geez, don't get upset.

Hey, baby. Ever do it in a suitcase? Ooh, look! It's the centaur race! Oww! Aah! Oww! Oww!

Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed. Thanks be I had these bulletproof shutters installed. Whoa! Aah!

you piloted directly into a black hole. Yes. It was in all the papers. Call me. Uh-huh, eh-heh, mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Now to dispose of the body. Honk, honk.

You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings. But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present. But what about your other coworkers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings? No, I swear.

Hey, why weren't you Kong Donkeys outside cleaning up? They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory job... and eating penguin eggs. You ate most of them. So, where's Captain Bender? Off "catastrophizing" some other planet? Huh? Damn it, Fry!

Please don't stop playing, Fry. I want to hear how it ends.

I just never realized it until I met you. What is the matter with you? I just wanted to be part of the moment. - Hey! He stole my ring. - Sorry. Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring.

This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching.

You're my uncle. From the year 2000!

This is the worst part-- the calm before the battle. And then the battle's not so bad? Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

My fellow Earthicans, I am honored and humbled to gloat before you tonight as your next president. Wow, it really doesn't matter who you vote for. At least we tried to make a difference by supporting Senator... Senator... What was his name again? I don't remember.

So it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon! Huh?

How deliciously absurd. I shall see you at the premiere.

We have nothing to fear but running out of beer. (SIGHS) All right, one small get-together,

Brace yourself for the worst.

That's it. You just made my list. Ow, ooh, ow, ow, ooh! Stop it! Down boy! Bad president.

Another shocking twist! Yes! And I have a message for you from Colonel Matombay. He says this is from Congo jack. Uh, uh-- Oh! No. No!

Over here, Calculon! Come on, smile. Quit blinking. Red eye. Blurry. Lens cap's still on. CALCULON: Oh! We finally eluded that obnoxious shutterbug. At last, we can enjoy our studio-mandated quality time.

The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look! Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits? I deserve free money!

Hey, want to go skinny dipping by the light of the fireflies? Leela! Somebody might see Wingus and the Ping Pong boys! No, it's just the two of us. Come on! (WATER SPLASHING)

Come on, pet him and make up. No! I said pet him. I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both hands! Ow, my ass! Get off! Get off!

If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.

It's the end of the line. We're ruined!

My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid. In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons.

And the winner of the big car race is Hot Rod Zoidberg!

Private, I want that toilet bowl so clean, I could eat off it!

What? We're goin' back to civilization...

Oh no! The kajigger of Gibraltar!

Yes. It's the only song I know. Look, friends. I accidentally learned to tap dance. (FRY PLAYING TROMBONE) Zoidberg, I'm trying to... (BEEPING) Time for my 4:21 daiquiri!

It's not working! He's drawing strength from our weapons! Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

Robot Porno Theater? I was in that... general area last night.

Good news, everyone!

Whoa, that's a lot of porn. Where'd you store the guitar picture? I don't know. I mainly hang out in here. Ah-ha! Your folk singing folder. I'll just double-kick on that. (GRUNTS) Got it.

My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell... was us! And the alien they captured was-- was-- Hello. Ewww! So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.

I'm not sad, because I finally found someone as great as me. It's like I always say, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver--" "And the other's gold."

You can't keep me here forever. Sooner or later, a polar bear will happen by. A nice, flammable polar bear. Polar bears don't burn. I've tried many times. Bender! Fry? How'd you find me?

Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Shut up and get to the point! Then come relive the carefree days of yore at Past-O-Rama where old New York comes alive. It's like stepping back into the year 2000. Time for the mammoth hunt, dudes.

(GIGGLES INNOCENTLY)

Fry, are you all right? Oh, my head is killing me. What happened? Was anybody hurt? No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash. How badly?

Let's see what this eatery can do. Ah! She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro.

Horse Pepsi okay?

Oh, New New York City! Whoo! Whoo! Don't worry about it. Do the robot, baby!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Introducing the all-new eyePhone 2.0. (CHEERING) Dumb bastards.

And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops. Perhaps I'll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla that-- Get out of my house, you lying scum pile! I never want to see you again!

Amy? Stop it! Fry, help! She's turning me into a parade float. Ew! Look at her! (GROWLS) Oh. So you're so shallow that my body disgusts you if it puts on a little extra weight? That wasn't a little extra weight.

The last ghost died over 200 years ago. The last human ghost, but robot ghosts...

Why is everyone else ignoring me? Isn't it obvious, Bender? Yeah, I guess it is. You're dead! What? I thought I just had laryngitis and antigravity.

I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson.

Wha-- Uh, gotta go. Fight club. What's happening, Hubie?

I'm not sad, because I finally found someone as great as me. It's like I always say, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver--" "And the other's gold."

Remember how Bender dumped all that pig's blood on me?

Dream on, skin tube.

MAN: And now, the unrelated conclusion. Hello, Fry. Hey, Fry! How you doing? What's up? LaBarbara, Hermes, happy Kwanzaa. We brought a chocolate cake, but now I'm worried that might be offensive in some way.

We'll have to bring her around again.

Bender, honey, we love you. Sure, baby, I know it.

Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. Ah! Looks like someone forgot to feed Max. So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?

Also Wolfman. Look at these swanky tombs. These people really know how to die. Are you crazy? They worked thousands of people to death to make these stupid monuments. Hey, you spend your whole life building a guy's toe, you're gonna remember him.

Pi over four radians of pizza, please. What is that, about a slice? More like exactly a slice. (LAUGHING BREATHILY) Game on, Gedgie. YANCY JR.: Ew. I've had worse. When I was shot down over Korea, I had to eat Kimchi. He was our interpreter.

Then throw her in the laundry room which will hereafter be referred to as the brig.

But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton, or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness? I agree. I need some time to figure this out. Until then, friends? Okay. Listen up, disco dummies!

Shmoly crap! We've got to get Fry and Leela out of this habitat before they humiliate themselves. Please, Amy, the act of love is a beautiful and natural... Oh, my God, cover your eyes! Come on, we better talk to the zoo director.

Bring it on, holy man. (GRUNTS) Carry this at all times and the demon cannot harm you. It also keeps cats off the sofa by killing 'em.

(SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack.

Oh, you speak Fish?

You want to see a picture of my boy? Sure. That's your penis. That's my boy. I guess this isn't not so bad. As long as we don't need to use our mental... Mental...

Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them. Being human isn't just about being happy. It's about loving, and fighting, and that Rasta McNasty we were doing last night. (LAUGHS) We want that back. Very well. Perhaps it is I who have learned a lesson, or something.

FRY AND BENDER: We made it, too.

Stop it. You're mussing up my trajectory. You know you love it, sugar engine. No! Bender! What's going on in here? Planet Express Ship! Cover your shame.

For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony.

Why would a robot need to drink? I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want. So, they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. Really? What do you do, Bender? I'm a bender-- I bend girders. That's all I'm programmed to do.

So, you really and truly love me? So much so that I'm prepared to give up show business itself to be with you.

I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment. That certainly is honest. It's better for us to both just be ourselves. You, wrinkled as a prune-- You, fat as the queen of sea cows.

We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand. Ow! Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

Dr. Lesterman? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident. RECORDING: You have reached the office of Dr. Judy Lesterman and Dr. Ira Rothkiss. The office is now closed. If this is a pharmacy calling... (SCREAMING)

Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome!

Sweden? I don't think so!

(SCREAMING) (POWER TOOLS WHIRRING) (GUNS FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) That's it, I'm pulling the plug.

Bender, can you at least pretend you're being punished? And clean the black parts too. Are they black with white feathers or white with black feathers? It don't matter, baby. They're all beautiful.

I can take it or leave it. I guess I'll take it.

Maybe a vanilla candle or something? Commence intercourse! Those giant guns are making me feel sort of inadequate. I'm not sure if I can... Move it. I've got to get home and do laundry. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) For God's sake, censor it! Censor it!

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Aw, I'm so lonely since I came to the future. Will you be my friend? Ow!

Is anything not a robot? I'm not a robot.

Animals eat other animals.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Oh, I trust you. I trust you, too.

- Hi. My name's Umbriel. - I'm Fry.

I'd better use my special robot vision to see what's inside. It looks like a pair of clamps.

Let's all go to the lobby.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I do not want to shoot anybody. You never want to do anything! Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you!

My next clue came at 4:15 when the clock stopped and another came two hours later, at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse. Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--

This week on The Real World: The Sun. I'm burning to death! You know how much an apartment that big would cost on the sun?

On to new business. Today's mission is for you all to go to the brain slug planet. What are we going to do there? just walk around, not wearing a helmet. Sounds great, Hermes! Oh, whatever you say. Wha-- Hey, let's ditch him and go to the movies. Hey, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm seeing a movie with friends.

Well, hello. I usually don't say this, but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies... I've ever laid eyes on. I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boob--

The secret is to stop giving a rat's ass about anyone else and start thinking of the things that you want--

(ROARING) My God, he's like some kind of believable Hulk.

You two lock up the F-ray, and for the love of God don't let it fall into the wrong hands.

All right! Come on, now! What's new? Huh?

Pazuzu! Oh, you came back to me! Mmmm! Are you back to your original age, Professor?

just tell me why? Please read this 55-page warrant There must be robots worse than I We checked around, there really aren't Then please let me explain My crimes were merely boyish pranks You stole from boy scouts, nuns and banks Aw, don't blame me, blame my upbringing Please stop sinning while I'm singing

Great. The entire universe was destroyed. Destroyed? Then where are we now?

Farewell, my friend. Oh! Why did the world turn its back on our obvious greatness?

Hey, there he is again and he brought nerds. Take this! Get in the tube, dummy. We only have a few seconds before the universe is destroyed. All right, but I need a weapon to fight off drunken robots when I wake up.

Stay and whip off a batch of your famous jerk dip. Sorry. I spent all day putting my office in order. Now I got to go home to relax the traditional Jamaican way. A glass of warm milk and a good night's sleep. Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer space potato man. Ah, that must be my old boss.

We'd treat people like swine and make 'em stand in line Even if nobody paid us They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats They say we're anal, compulsive and weird But when push comes to shove, you've got to do what you love Even if it's not a good idea. Zoidberg! They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon

And mean. I see. Does she, by any chance, give the crew members spankings? No, she just makes us do work and stuff. Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed. Hey, this guy's all right.

And now a man who needs no introduction. Fry! Get up there!

Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy.

that I had the strength to make it on my own. just like all of you kids here today. Leela! Leela! Leela! Look at me! I'm Leela! Uh-uh, 'cause I'm Double Leela. Whee!

We have limited rehearsal time. Now, I didn't make enough copies of the script, so George and Walter will have to share. Uh-- You probably don't want us to see you rehearsing, or it'll give away the ending.

In your face! Victory is mine!

You did it! You actually did it! And no one will have to punish anyone for the mutiny!

Come on, Bender. Let's go. This chick flick is getting me all "barfy." Yeah. Emotions are dumb and should be hated. Good night forever, my turtledove. Good night, Calculon. What did you say? I said you two don't dress trampy enough!

(CHUCKLING) Oh!

Whew! That was close. (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Whew! Ahhh! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Congratulations, Mother. Can you die happy now? Not yet. Darn.

We can avoid humanity's mistakes. Like the tuba. Yes! We'll be like Adam and Eve. Only without the tuba. And we'll beget little Zapp junior. And Leela junior. And they'll have kids of their... Yuck! Is that really what happened in the Bible? It's a sick and twisted book of holiness, all right.

trapped here, under this tree. The tree of knowledge! Look, it even has apples! Ow! Wow. Come here, Adam. Partake of my forbidden fruit. Thee will be done.

This is hopeless. If we're going to get blown to bits we may as well do it in the comfort of our own home.

Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through... that pipe. Don't worry, it gets wider after about a mile. Idiot. Idiot.

Who can feel like I am a child in love

COMPUTER: Attributes transferred. Shoe size 12. Et cetera. Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful.

I admire your style, Roberto.

Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child. Then good day, madam! We hope to see you soon for tea. It's hopeless. I can hear all this great music in my head,

Listen up, Hollywood! We're an exciting new mob! Yeah! You better believe it! Great Shatner's ghost! We demand that all TVs be equipped with a B-Chip... that blocks Bender from appearing on the screen! Boo-ya!

And we can use this machine gun to shoot them! Yee-haw!

This is my fleam. You use it to peel the skin off your enemies layer by layer till they die or whatever. Neat! Hey, you know who would love fleaming stuff? My friend Bender, who I'll never see again. Aw. You're homesick, aren't you, T.? Mm-hmm. I miss Earth, and I'm still hungry.

I'm 40% scrap metal.

Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all. Bender, these shots of Calculon are great. In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo. Namely, a camera. Shut up. I know it.

lee-lee-lee lee-leela bah-bah-bah bah-bah-bah deh-deh deh-deh deh-deh-deh-deh-deh I gotta get outta here! Leela

Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality? Violent outbursts. General sluttiness. Thanks to denial, I'm immortal. Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect!

If the birds keep multiplying, there'll soon be too many to count. Before long, the penguins will exhaust their food supply... and starve to death. Oh, if only we hadn't flown penguins to Pluto... and dumped oil on them, this might never have happened. Can't we stop them from multiplying?

Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade. But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain. Exactly. (ALL GASPING) Oops.

So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh? Nice job. We surrender. Earth is yours.

There you are. Good as new, except for your dorsal Fin. I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash. Can I live without it? If you call that living. I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon onto your chest to crush those who disobey you.

This show is awesome!

I got to say I'm really enjoying the day out with you people. Hey, hey! A suicide booth. So long, suckers.

It wasn't Tommy Hilfijigger. It was Linens 'n Things! The hell it was.

Ah, yes, foxhunting. If there's one thing I know, it's everything about it. What's that weird cat?

You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor. Not just an actor but a well-rounded person... with my own friends and credit cards and keys. Well, I... guess I could move out of my parents' basement. Maybe get a temp job. Whoa, whoa. One step at a time.

Someone to spend my vast riches and take care of my man-eating anteaters when I'm gone.

- Fall, damn it, fall! - (DOOR OPENS)

Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay. Nay. Hell, nay. MALE VOICE: The horse says, "Doctorate denied."

Zoidberg No wonder we failed to stop the time skips.

Please use the beeps. Oh!

This chair is so comfortable. (VOMITING) (CHUCKLING) Classic Amy. You want to see a picture of my boy? Sure. That's your penis.

Hello, peasants.

Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I... Fry!

"please accept these 20 billion candy hearts... as proof that Earth loves you," this much! Blecch! These candies are chalky and unpleasant! And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"? Surely it says "love."

You see, the killer left one fatal clue-- This boot print on the professor's lab coat. Uh... couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See? Eww. What smells like boot feet? This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is--

You. (GASPS) You're using my own words against me. Go to hell! (MOOING) Soon enough, but first, the killing. Have you noticed that animals are sometimes spooked by robot ghosts? So what? I hate animals. (MAKING SILLY SOUNDS)

Of course, sometimes they're a little shorthanded.

We want the one you call McNeal. Give us McNeal, or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!

Move forward! Walk into the light! Oh, God! I'm dead! Well, no matter.

I escaped just as the robots arrived. All right, I'm low on bullets. Everybody, scooch together.

Oh, Elzar, bless you. Mmm-- Mmm-- Uh-- Uh-- Now, this is why I prefer your nonstick robots. Oh.

And the grand-prize winner-- the hypno-toad. All glory to the hypno-toad.

It wasn't long ago our people were happy and prosperous but the eyeless Mole People of sub-terra Three grew jealous of our visual prowess. They Fired missiles in all directions hoping to hit Cyclopia. Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets hit was ours. How far away do you think it is?

The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead. This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We could settle down on that mountain of skulls.

I'm his prize experiment and he's like a father to me. But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father.

Thank you for saving the universe, Fry. Here. Oh, thanks. If you ever need a savior again, just ask. Oh, we will. We will!

Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole?

I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.

First the civilization of Space Rome collapsed, then Don Martin Iii went kerflooey, and now Tweenis 12. Looks like this planet is next in line. That's Earth. The planet we live on? I'd hate to be those guys.

Give several reasons why. For one,

Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings, but this food actually tastes better as vomit. It's unbearable. How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?

My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists, I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers. That's right. I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick fun bill.

I keep telling you, we didn't grow up together.

Try shocking him. Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!

And now we must return to our planet to catch the end of a 1,000-year-old Leno monologue.

I wanted to offer you the chocolates. I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned. It's because I haven't been exercising. If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance. Oh, dear God! (GROANING LOUDLY)

Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping. This is it.

Brought to you by-- The Space Pope Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry? Ooh! I knew I should've shown him Electro-Gonorrhea: The Noisy Killer.

He's good old Bender again. He's totally useless. Well, not totally. Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh, this is the reason we exist. This is which ceiling fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! "Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate. By Bender."

Stop! Thanks, Bender. Don't do it, Leela! They killed my parents! Close.

Oh, I made myself sad.

Wern... (COUGHING) ...strom!

You precognizant bastard. I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you. (STRAINING) Why can't I shoot you? (LAUGHING) Poor deterministic Bender. I programmed you to be incapable of harming me.

(SOBBING) Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe! Oh, God. I'm sorry, Leela. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here. We can avoid humanity's mistakes.

Angel? I've looked into her eyes and seen her soul!

It says here that "this part of the Hustle implores the gods... to grant a favor, usually a Trans Am."

Bite my shiny metal ass. Help! I was attacked in my bathroom!

Quick, in here. We're the only ones left who can trust each other. I know you well enough that no creature could ever fool me. No matter how much it looked like you. Leela, I'm honored, but for your own safety, you shouldn't trust anyone, not even me. But I'm just so scared.

Wow! You guys run numbers? Well, nothing fancy-- you know, ones and zeros mostly. just take this disk over to the pool hall and give it to Sammy "The Mechanical Bull" Gravano and watch out for the cops. That's just what my mom used to tell me.

Scruffy's rollin' out a large pill.

- Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us. - What's there to talk about? - Shh! - Hands up!

(SIGHS) I'll never see Leela again. No, without a backwards time machine, we're stuck in this craphole. Dude, give it a rest. Hold on. I've got it! We can't go back in time, but we can keep going forward until people invent the backwards time machine. - And then we can go home. - Hit it.

Coming through! Is everyone on board? I got my buddy. Hermes is my buddy. Bender, where's Fry? I saw him in the kitchen with Dinah. You know, the dyno-matic food-service robot. Let's go already!

Hey, you got me under control. FRY: Fry and Bender! A winning combination. BENDER: Let's call ourselves Frender. BOTH: Frender, Frender, Frender Frender, Frender, Frender...

Happy Robanukah, everyone. Coming up next, more thoughtful, interfaith hijinks.

My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists, I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers. That's right. I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick fun bill. Knock yourselves out! Whoo-hoo!

Sorry you didn't get to mate. But, hey, we can still play some beach games. Who's up for some Twister? No! We beta males deserve better. When we're in charge, we'll treat females with respect, keeping sensible harems of no more than five. And it begins with me.

It's good to see you. Is it good to see me? Of course. AMY: Come on in, Leela. Take that ugly coat off. Thanks. Hi, everybody. So tell us, how's the intergalactic real estate going? Pretty good. I just sold a castle to the King of Space. But somehow, I keep finding myself thinking about this place

I'm changing the channel. (PLAYING SOLEMN TUNE) Man, Bender and I used to love watching All My Circuits together. Now what are we supposed to do at the office instead of work? How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for. If we talk to each other any more than that, it'll ruin our friendship.

Hey! Hey! Only eat and drink enough to barely keep yourselves alive. I'm tryin' to make a profit here. Daddy, Bethany's hitting me! Here.

I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead.

Can you help me? Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the food court-- though there's a line this time of year. No, I need to get her a gift and I need it before sundown. Well, you can't go wrong with something traditional-- A surface-to-Santa rocket launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking missiles. That's funny. Careful, sir.

Oh, my head! My precious head! Oh! Stupid can opener! You killed my father and now you've come back for me! You all right, Bender? Uh, yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why we keep this ticking time bomb around just for that dumb animal!

There were no survivors.

Why is it so impossible for two people to be completely alone? FEMALE VOICE: Are you and another person finding it impossible to be completely alone? Now what? It's targeted advertising. Can you shut it off? Only if I cut off my arm. I'll get a knife.

Classy choice, chief. She'll crap her pants. That'll be five bills. Hey, give me back my stones. Hello, stranger. This is my first time here. Do you sell diamonds? You come to the right joint, ace.

Whoo-Whoo-Whoo! Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!

(GRUNTING) Nice work, Leela. You're really pulling your weight. Which is saying something.

Okay, get ready.

Kill all humans! Dear God! He's having a heart attack! They'll probably find a cure for that in the future. We have a cure for it now! Oh, good, then you won't mind if I use this.

So? Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? Uh... 80,000 years? No, one week. Damn. I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. Every emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next?

Bender Rodriguez, on the charge of attempted murder, I hereby find you guilty. (CHEERING) Ah, yeah! Guilty!

That's no flying saucer. That's my ass! My God!

That's my ass! My God! This means the flying saucer that crashed in Roswell... was us! And the alien they captured was-- was--

Ooh! My popcorn's done. Aw. It's less popped than ever.

Leela, we want you to be captain again. Let me guess: he canceled nap time? He ran out of beer? So he's about to kill us.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys. I give you Robot 1-X. Ow! Oh.

Stop hoggin' the clover!

'Bout time! That's my boy!

Also with us are Nichelle Nichols A.K.A. Commander Uhura.

There. That time I left both lanterns in place. And I hit Farnsworth much, much harder. Perhaps too hard.

I was enjoying it until you guys showed up. Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge? Amen!

Hold still, Fry. I can reattach it with my emergency face laser. Hey, you burned my cheek! Yeah, sorry. I wasn't really concentrating. No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it. And those lilacs on the table.

What's happened to you? Nothing. I got rid of the worms.

How nice for you, Leela. That's so good... for a person with one eye. Hey! You can't feel sorry for me. I'm a space captain, and you're a bunch of losers. Uh, right. Right. We're the losers.

Geez, Hermes, you seem awfully calm about this. Don't worry. I have a plan. I'm going to jump! - No! - No! Do a flip! Don't do it, Hermes! You have so much to live for! I get it. Reverse psychology.

Sorry, Fry. I already got a double date with arm and hammer. Bender, you want to go out and do something? Oh, so now I'm your last-resort booty call, huh? Okay, let's go.

I broke up with my boyfriend and then I ate him!

What just happened? Uh. Well, I think the Robot Devil said he loved me in Bender's voice wearing Granny Hester's clothes. I want to go home. (TORMENTED SCREAMING) You still lose, Bender. You failed to kill Fry, so you're banished to hell.

Acting like a moron won't bring your dog back. Then all hope is lost. Good-bye, Seymour. Please stop crying, Fry. Here.

In recognition of Bender's generous gift... of 12 orphans and a government check for 1,200 wing-wangs, I hereby rename this building... the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium.

Bring it on, holy man. (GRUNTS) Carry this at all times and the demon cannot harm you. It also keeps cats off the sofa by killing 'em.

Good, I'm sick of cleaning up those heaps of dead monkeys. But why would you want your mind in a new body? Well, as a man enters his 18th decade, he thinks back on the mistakes he's made in life. Like the heaps of dead monkeys? Science cannot move forward without heaps!

So it was you. You're so desperate for glory, you made up this whole crazy story. Here's your medal, hero.

But our fungineers think it might have happened something like this. We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened. Oh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering degree.

The Nanobots have gotten more complex.

I should warn you-- I'm a mean drunk. Fry, I'm so glad I didn't kill you. Me too. Feeling responsible for your death was driving me mad. But now everything is all right. Uh, not everything. What? What do you mean? You have to wake up.

We can cut them off. Turn left at Miriam Feinberg. I meant Feingold!

Violent media? What a load of-- Ow! Ow!

So then my chair tilted back and I almost fell into this freezer thingy. I call it a Hawking Chamber. But instead of falling in and getting frozen I missed and wanged my head. Well, it's obvious what should have happened. That wang to the head should have killed you. Uh, what? Let's finish the job. No, wait! There must be a peaceful--

Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze. Okay. Don't panic. I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps.

I paused to enjoy a cigar. Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit, so I went in search of brandy. That's when my keen senses detected the still-invisible ship. (EXCLAIMS)

two turntables and A miCrophone bottles and cans just clap your hands Just clap your hands WheRe it's at got A washboard stomach and A microphone That was A washboard brain Whoo! Oh, yeah!

All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school. No!!

Look at my butt! Whooooo!

Actually, Professor, we merely called you here to say... surprise! Oh, happy birthday! Surprise! Happy birthday! And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say, "Coach Hairpiece?" No, Professor. It's a surprise party for your 150th birthday.

My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis.

Oh! The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet. Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom. Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots. Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of jesus. Hey, zero.

(HUMMING) Hey, ladies, I found some. What the... (BOTH GRUNTING) There was only enough petroleum oil for four and a half weeks of oil wrestling, but it lasted 500 million years. It's a miracle.

DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet. Especially the male. I've never seen one have so much trouble with zippers. As fun as it is to watch Fry try and operate his pants, you can't keep him and Leela here against their will. Against their will? My good robot, they paid to be here.

Phew! After all that, I could use some relaxation. I'll be in the Holo-Shed. Well, except for a few broken bones,

So long, jerkwads! So long.

Hello. Come out of your universe with your hands up. Oh, WOW. It's like that drug trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug trip.

But, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!

Please stop crying, Fry. Here.

Handsome and Esquire. I'm Turanga Leela. My crew and I are from Earth.

I mean over here. Sorry, I forgot where I was.

But Fry betrayed me at our apartment! (GAGGING) Just like in your folk song. Somehow everything you sang about is happening in real life.

No more hanging wires!

Nooooo! Mommy. Okay, Funog, that's enough. Call him off. Funog? Hmm.

Gross! Go, man, go! Watch for any subtle irregularity in Fry's bowel. - Ooh! - Wow! It's gorgeous. That place used to be a big dump.

Who else but Zapp Brannigan would be judging the most chauvinistic, degrading, dehumanizing--

Mmm... "compassion"? "Shrimp toast"? "Antiquing"? I'm all right.

You see-- Magic. Got it.

Uh, were you just singing? No. I was tellin' you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing. Court order.

- Hi, Lars. - Fry. Whatever. I'm heading out to my night job. Remember, no loud noise, no head bowling, and no parties, or it'll be your ass in a jar.

Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human. What? You want human?

By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone, leaving behind nothing but a history of failure and my original hip bones.

I wish I had Bender back! Wish I had Bender back. Huh? Hey-- What?

(BLOWS) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (TWO BEEPS) (SLOW MOTION) I heard it!

(LAUGHS) Okay. I've modeled the device to release a single huge antichroniton blast. It should rip us out of stasis, back to the instant before I conceived of the Time Button. You mean we'll all get to live our lives over again? Oh, my, yes. Even that nasty robot, what's-his-name.

I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait... wait. Yeah... there we go. Wait... yeah. What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?

(ALL WHISTLING) Comet ahoy!

I must bid you farewell, my special friend. What the hell's been going on around here?

Puny human number one, puny human number two, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.

What happened up there, Johnny? Don't make me remember. So horrible it was. (SHRIEKS)

Reverse-time power! (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) It's earlier now.

Shut up. I know it.

Hello, Mavis! Surprised to see me back again so soon? Mavis is dead. I expect you'll want to see...

So you started the fire? I'm afraid so. Bender was thousands of miles away. I guess a welding torch is no way to catch a rat. What were you thinking? This is coming out of your pay! Well, I'm back. What'd I miss? Looks like the building burned down. Yeah, thanks to this dope.

We're entering the interior of Fry's nose. We're at finger alert five. Let's just pray nothing stimulates the delicate smell receptors. Nobody make a smell.

I came here from a faraway planet, a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer... that was really a manbot. Have you any idea how it feels to be a fembot... living in a manbot's manputer's world? What?

That's the dumbest question I ever heard.

There. Fixed forever. Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived. Oh, marmalade!

Hold still, Fry. I can reattach it with my emergency face laser. Hey, you burned my cheek! Yeah, sorry. I wasn't really concentrating. No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it. And those lilacs on the table. At least someone noticed.

Agnew, give it your stamp of approval. (GRUNTING)

MOTHER: Bender Rodriguez? WALT: But he's a stock MomCorp bending unit, and he's 12 years out of date. How could he possibly play that well? Did you see me? History came alive and I killed it! (LAUGHS) If I overclock you some more, maybe we can beat those Korean girls!

It is true what they say: "Women are from Omicron Persei Seven men are from Omicron Persei Nine."

Turn it off before she barfs up her bucket of hot wings!

Brought to you by-- The Space Pope Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry?

(ALL GASP) That's ridiculous. The Bermuda Tetrahedron is just a myth. I'm glad you're so brave in the face of the unknown, Leela, because, for your next mission, you'll be flying directly through the Bermuda Tetrahedron!

And now, here he is chef, restaurateur, author of Cooking Slugs For Dinner and Cooking Dinner For Slugs... Elzar! Yay! All right! Yeah! Yeah, baby! Whoo!

Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault.

So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend.

Oh! They jumped right out of their pants!

Why is it called an eyePhone? I'll explain after I install it. (SCREAMING)

MEN: He is. WOMEN: She is. Curious. You are a diarchic society?

Oh, it was a brilliant scheme, but you made one fatal mistake-- leaving this confession note! Fry, you scoundrel! I don't remember any of that.

In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls, weighing 525 pounds-- The Gender Bender! Boo!

- Ow! You broke my foot! - Freedom.

There it is, the edge of the universe. Far out.

Oh, it's just a flying saucer. Excuse me. You can't park here. The parking area is over there. Wow. Nice tube. Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?

Thank you all for coming. I don't recognize any of you, nor can I recall why I am here. Now, without further ado, a film highlighting Planet Express, Inc.'s...

(WHIRRING) Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics! What the... No! Not the armpits! Winter's coming!

(SCREAMS) Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. (GAS LEAKING) Ah, cigars. Light me up, old friend.

You can do it, Kif! Whoa, Nelly! Aww, man!

Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one 'cause there's no god and your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Whew. That's a load off my mind. Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry. You did your best, Bender. Up yours, bimbo!

All right, I'll go.

You could've moved this grub-infested log any time you wanted? Well, sure. But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care you wouldn't have needed.

Oh, my. Look, flowers, and a boat.

I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I-- $500 and time served. Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man. Bender, honey, we love you. Sure, baby, I know it.

Now I got a whatchacallit instead of a kajigger, you stupid whatchacallit! Okay, stop yelling at me. It was an innocent mistake. Allow me to rectify it.

You might as well put that checkbook away because I've discovered something even more important-- my friends, and they aren't worth even a penny to me. That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza... so I can share the food I love with the people I like. Holy hell! You're going to eat them?

I'm gettin' a hundred bucks a kid, and they're costin' me 110! Ugh. There goes my new kitchen cabinets. I'm not sittin' through one more P.T.A. meeting! The kids have got to go.

Okay, okay. I'll take the 500 lizards. No, wait. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. The parrot.

Ras H. Tafari! What's going on here?

Look, just give back our property, and we'll drop the charges. Fine. Have the watch. It's broken anyway. I don't want your watch! You're covered in precious ambergris. Precious hamburgers?

No. I need to grow up on my own planet. I must bid you farewell, my special friend. What the hell's been going on around here?

Then one day, I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.

They know how to make ice cream soup? Leela,

Whoa, slow down. This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't... cozy. Ah... I can barely move. It's perfect!

He's in the foundry this very moment. (ALL GASPING)

Oh, I'm boned. Let's all go to the lobby.

Smeesh! It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like, a hundred cups of coffee? That's it! I'm getting a hundred cups of coffee, starting now! Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please. Smells good!

Eureka! The hat goes on the head.

(ALL COUGHING, GASPING)

MURDOLATOR : Vegetables activated. Kill-check three is go. Also, the salad's ready. Yes! Salad!

Oh, boy! It's Santa. Ho... Ho... Ho!

Orange? Purple? Do I know you? Have we met?

His song is coming true somehow. Oh, my God, reality is infringing Bender's copyright. I'm comin' for to shoot you down No, wait. I'm comin' for to run you down With a train Get it? (ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

No, thank you. I said, do it!

"U leave me breathless"?

Bad news, everyone! You're not good enough to go on your next mission. - Hooray! - Not good enough! Why? Says who? Because. And says me. It's an extremely dangerous mission that killed my last crew, and you're not nearly as good as them. Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day!

This is the best-estest day of my whole... (GROANS) Oh, my God, people! She's having a heart attack! A cute little heart attack! (ALL GASPING) I'm a doctor, and, yes, they're real. (DEFIBRILLATOR WHINING) Clear!

Fry! Amy! Put your pants back on. I need a stapler! Stop. Stop. If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad. It's working. They think we're making out.

This calls for a drink. I don't want to spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We're unemployed and we have nowhere to go. Correction: We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of.

I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another and another. Well, that covers the first three killings.

A new protest group, Fathers Against Rude Television, says, "Hell, yes!" What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group? Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group.

(LIGHTNING CRACKING) I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on Seymour's doghouse. No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house. Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it. Ow!

All right. I got him all heebie-jeebied with my bathroom of horrors. One more good scare, and I'll be out of limbo. Ooh. Did someone say limbo? No. Nothing. Hold onto your dookie. It's about to get spooky!

Snake door. Roger. (SIGHS) You can't reject Leela! Give her a badge, you stupid box! Male, filthy hand, violent temper. Accepted again! No!

Yes, they have! It's called Homo habilis.

Leela! I've been so worried! Are you a bonehead? I have to tell-- must-- important-- something. Whoa, whoa. Slow down. You're going a mile a minute.

Comin' through. Watch your head. Help! I'm under attack! Remember your manners, kids. Forks go in the left pocket, spoons in the right. Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab? Me! Ap-dap-dap-dap!

It's a bluff. We can't take that chance. Move, people! Move! Please pick me up before you go-go. She asked first.

we've got nothIng better to do than watch tv and have A couple of brews Yeah! Shoot things! All my friends are gonna hang out herE tonight

Probably not, but I love you, and I'm gonna kick his ass till I win you back! Whoa! Hey! Okay, Clamps, now.

Oh, how I wish I could believe that.

Jombee, the chocolate icing. Oh! Oh my, yes. Ooh!

Aw! When I see you alone I see what'S in your mind you want me yes, you do you don't need to tell me

But I don't like being a delivery boy. Well, that's tough. Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

Blecch! Ick! Oh. How about this one? Give it up, Fry. I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.

MAN: And now, the unrelated conclusion.

Hear the word of Pharaoh! Build unto me a statue of ridiculous proportion-- one billion cubits in height-- that I might be remember-ed for all eternity! And be quick about it!

What? It was? Hooray!

(ROCK SONG PLAYING) Shut up and love me Shut up and love me

All right, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it. Sweet giant anteater of Santa Anita! The professor's been eaten by giant anteaters! Oh! What?! If you ask me, it's mighty suspicious. I'm going to call the police... right after I flush some things.

Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a shmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative. Not distant enough. I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew. (SNIFFLES) But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something? Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh.

Oh, I am broke. What will I tell my horrible wife? If I were you I'd be more worried about that tapeworm going to town on your intestines. Let me see those glasses. Uh... uh... Oh, my various gods, X-ray specs!

(TUNE PLAYING) Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine... But, you know, happy birthday and all, and, I love you. (SCREAMS) My card!

News, everyone! Today you're going to Osiris Four... to deliver this enormous sandstone block.

All right, here's the battle plan.

Officer, would it be all right if we adopted one of the kids? Might as well. They're just gonna rot in the evidence locker. Nice ear! Ha, ha, ha! Hey, Three Ears! I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her. Her? But there's plenty of normal ones.

I demand the ancient ritual of Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or Consequences! Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or what?

(EXCLAIMS) Whoever you are, you're the bravest robot I've ever seen. I like killing brave things. Good! Because I've got 20 of them per cubic meter.

- Enos! - He's dead! Sorry!

GIRL: Oh, my God. - Did you see that? - Are you okay? What just happened? Uh. Well, I think the Robot Devil said he loved me in Bender's voice wearing Granny Hester's clothes. I want to go home.

That's it! You're all going to jail and don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy Ford. You'll never pardon anybody because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time.

Should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal. That's not an issue for us. We're wildlife. (GASPING MOANS) What about the moaning? Is it okay to listen? Sure, but act like it's no big deal. Just pretend you're eating seeds. (MOANING CONTINUES)

Tonight we're going to party like it's 1999... again. Ow! Hey, watch it!

Rudolph's nose! He's going to blow! Aha. Yah!

Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folksinger.

Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much, already! Help! jeepers! Zoidberg is dead! No! Zoidberg's brother is dead!

So, Nixon, even if you miss your body being a head's great, too, right? No, son. It's a sad and lonely life. Oh, great. Now you tell me.

Okay, that's what I thought.

You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster or the phonograph, or the electric chair. That's not true. Well, that's how it feels to me. Bye, Bender. I'll miss you. Oh, go on. Get out of here before you get caught.

Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again. Stop the execution!

Of course, we won't remember anything that's happened. What do you say? Want to go around again? I do.

Oh! Thank God. Tell me, have things changed on the outside? Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form? Hey, hot stuff, I'm Larry, the murder burglar.

Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a COW'S behind. And have you ever used toothpaste?

Good-bye, cruel lamp. Good-bye, cruel velvet drapes lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the... cute little Pom-Pom curtain pull-cords. Cruel though they may be, I--

What's with the eye? I'm an alien, all right? Let's drop the subject. Cool. An alien.

I'm going in. Cop Department will return after these messages.

Oh, you have got to be kidding. Ow! I-- I mean-- Ah! That's so sweet. Aah! I mean, Ah! That's so sweet.

Bad news, everyone.

Robot Porno Theater? I was in that... general area last night.

Fine, I'll go build my own lunar lander with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing.

Behold my handcrafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!

and an eight-track player with genuine mono sound.

Merry Xmas, Leela. Merry Xmas.

In our darkest hour, we can stand erect... with proud, upthrust bosoms. Anyone who laughs is a Communist. Knowing that,

Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts!

It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together. Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I? No! You didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money.

(EXCLAIMS) As election day nears, Prop Infinity appears doomed to certain defeat. Doomed! More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity.

Greetings, Bender. Welcome to robot hell.

What brings you two here today? We came to honor Calculon's memory. Ever since he died, All My Circuits is terrible. It's not even worth watching anymore. (GASPS) Fry! All My Circuits is on in three minutes! What? We got to get home! (BENDER CHUCKLES) Hey!

Uh, brunch. Right. I better warn-- tell-- warn-tell the others.

I thought our love would last forever. But then, 43 years later, she left me for a robot! (SOBBING)

Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings? No, I swear.

- Never! - Never! Never!

Ladies first. Ugh! And the aftertaste.

Bad. In today's field we own four horses and two jockeys. We just put our best jockey out to stud, Amy. He's perfect for you. Hey, baby. Ever do it in a suitcase? Ooh, look! It's the centaur race!

Ow! Listen, Leela thanks for rescuing me last night. Anytime. I actually enjoyed hanging out with you. Yep. Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender. Come on. It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together. Didn't I, Leela?

ANNOUNCER: With the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your e-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone. WOMAN: From Mom.

Follow me. It's immense. It's got every piece of information anyone could ever want. So I see. What? What's going on here?

Ah! The fresh air feels good. Stop doing that!

Dean Epsilon, I know all about your "Department of Pool Boy Studies."

Now I got to go home to relax the traditional Jamaican way. A glass of warm milk and a good night's sleep. Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer space potato man.

Mr. Fry, I like to give my first mate an informal nickname. From now on, you'll be known as Wiggles.

Listen, Morgan, we're through. You're an evil, heartless woman and I never want to see you again.

Coilette, this may be presumptuous.

My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender. (ALL CHOKING) Oops. The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains.

"Bender's Arrest Record. "By The Police. "On March 3, at 2:00 p.m., Bender was caught shoplifting." Yeah. Show us the picture. Oh, there he is. Okay, kids. It's 9:00, and you know what that means.

I know, I liked it. I want to see it again. We're not seeing it again. Ask something less stupid. Oh, all right, how about this? What if I never fell into that freezer doodle and came to the future jiggy? That question is less stupid though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. What would happen if Fry never came to the future?

Sure you will. You're going to lose the science fair, and that's who's going to beat you. Josh Gedgie, boy scientist. Pi over four radians of pizza, please. What is that, about a slice? More like exactly a slice. (LAUGHING BREATHILY) Game on, Gedgie.

...For the Flintstone Flop Flop Tammy D gets biz on the crops Crops Beastie Boys known to let the beat... mm, drop? Ow! How's it going?

You get that camera out of my house.

What up? I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore. Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks. Well, I can't just do that anymore. Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself. Really?

All in all, it's a fine day for an apocalypse. So you don't miss what's-her-name? Of course I do. But even though we're millions of miles apart, somehow, I feel she's near me. Very near! (ALL SCREAMING)

Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine. Bite my shiny metal ass.

Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I... Fry! Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.

Whoo! And try this, kids at home!

The Art of War.

Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the team. What a fool I was! If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot. But I was tired and in love. Take me now, you stud!

If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown!

Let's storm the place, without my prior knowledge. Comin' through. Freedom train. Step aside. You, too, fatso. Freedom! Cool your jowls, Nixon.

All those times I said, "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper, "Except one." Fry was that one. And I never told him so. Farewell from the world of tomorrow!

Why should I believe you? You're Hitler! No! Eva Braun, help me!

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Go to hell, old man!

Kif, I'm headed to the men's room, and I'll be needing an attendant, so-- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. It's all right. I've always thought of myself as a father figure... to some of my more pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's rap.

Say you will Come on, come on Say you will Say that you... Say you will

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) What? It's called line dancing, Professor.

So, no one even cared that I was gone? Not really. Except for one person. Who was it? Everything is so different. Not everything. There's still a roach problem.

Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement. Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home the atomic tiara? Downplay the tiara.

We take them to our leader. She know what do. A female leader?

You want her? You're gonna have to go through me! Waah! Uhh!

We're sophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup his butt!

Sorry I'm late. Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. I've had it with your tardiness, Fry. I expect you to arrive the same time as everyone else. Well, wait a second. Leela's not here yet. She left a while ago. She said some idiot was taking her to lunch for her birthday. Oh, no, I'm late!

Please sign this sketch I drew of you.

Okay, that's it. No more killing. Next time you feel like killing just have a stick of gum. Now to dispose of the body. Honk, honk. Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela. So hip and sexy. Not like you at all.

Bio-units, terminate noise exchange. It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment.

Dear Captain's Diary--

Hey, Santa, when you see the robot devil, tell him I'm a-comin'. - Hey, that guy said to tell you that-- - I heard him.

That's a good old-fashioned gun. Simple point-and-click interface. Rifle check! Oh, yeah! Whee doggie! Hey, you're enjoying this. Look, nobody enjoys shootin' penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well, you might as well enjoy it.

Yes! With this built-in stadium air horn I can really annoy people! And all it cost me was my crotch plate.

You all go without me. I'm going to take one last look around. You know, for, uh, stuff to steal. You're going back for the countess, aren't you? All right. I am, but I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back just say I died robbing some old man. I'll tell him you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.

Cheer up, Fry. I'll sing you a tune you can identify. Let's go already

Hey, I can get any girl I want, anytime I want. I'm just too busy.

God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish.

Look, pal, you've only got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here.

I have eight other senses, but I'd trade them all, even "smision," to be able to taste.

Pleased to meet you. Actually, we've met once before. What?

You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher.

All right, little ones. Back to the orphanarium. You can slide around the gym in your socks. What socks?

I promise nothing!

Prepare for liftoff. Ten... Nine! Amania! Seven! Five! Four. Three. Two. One! Blast off! Happy New Year!

Fry, did you eat anything unusual recently? No. What about that bathroom egg salad from the truck stop? I've had better.

Wait. Bender? Bender? Kill all humans. Kill all humans. Must kill all... Bender, wake up! I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.

Uncle Bender's coming to save you.

Well, what if I don't let the new guy win? Then, he'll just have to beat you the old-fashioned way-- to death! Melissa, send in the new kid. I... am... Destructor! See you at the fight.

Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show? He oughta be, with all the strict training I've been putting him through. Nibbler, roll over, and you get a ham. Roll over. Roll over for the ham. You are so adorable. Who wants a ham?

I have something for you. A remote control? You got me a TV? No, my dearest. It's the remote control to my heart. It symbolizes the power you have to sway my emotions. Will it work on my TV? We don't need TVs. We have each other!

Well, let's get looting!

Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Wah! Ahhh!

Oh, man I'm inhaling these things. You guys scored some primo stuff here. They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them? We haven't thought of a name yet. They're tasty, right? Let's call them Tasticles.

What was that? Maybe we hit a space cow. Coochie, coochie! Stop it.

You're all fired.

It's a girl. My God, she's beautiful.

You are. Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.

The trivia contest is ended. I now have a surprise. You will perform a fan script... written by the ultimate Trek fan! You have my fan script? I meant me! Melllvar's the ultimate fan!

You know, like how I live every day. Happy Freedom Day! Oh, I think my wrist is broken. Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day... without the traditional Freedom Tub! Ooh! Oh, baby!

Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a three-minute film.

Here, have some breathers courtesy of our chamber of commerce. This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now, if they could put it in the form of a suppository... Y'all enjoy your stay.

Is there any hope things could still work out between us? It's getting late.

Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Goodbye! (WAILING) That is one crazy, uncircumcised old man.

And it's all thanks to Bender. I love you, Bender. I love you, too. Get that stupid chip out of me before I kill myself. Bender, you won't believe this but the empathy chip burned out.

Long live Pharaoh Bender! Long live Pharaoh Bender!

Prepare to die! Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you want to kill them? Because I-- I-- I don't know what I'd do without them. Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor.

Still good. TRAVERS: With the working class gone, robots were forced to do all the menial labor. Before long, they rose up in revolt...

He did it! He actually did it this time. (GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it. (GASPS) He really is gone! Everyone, put on your taking-off caps. Our what?

Never! My ass is my soul mate. It even has its own hind-brain. Really? Your butt can think? No. But it can feel. And right now, it's hind-heartbroken!

- It's all right. - Poor Frankie.

My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid.

They're so cold! And yet hell is so hot! Can I have my hands back now? No! You're not nice!

I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash. How badly? That's it over there. Don't worry. I managed to keep your head alive with some quick surgery. Where is it? There. Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry.

Well, now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving? Mmm, Leela. But she doesn't think much of me. Ah. She must be the other. Wh-Wha--

Like you have a choice. So, what's your problem? Not enough-- Duh-- Memory? Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face. Oh, God! No! I want to live! If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society.

I need a name. What? How do you spell that? What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso! Hermes, quiet. I'm deducing things.

Ow! What was that for?! Hey, come on! That hurt! I know.

Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you want to kill them? Because I-- I-- I don't know what I'd do without them. Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig.

That heavenly stench. More. There aren't anymore, and there never will be. More! More! More! More!

Maybe you can't understand this but I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends-- it's things. I'm a thing.

If we switched bodies, I could live life to the extreme,

Yum, yum, yum. Uh-oh. Look at me. I'm Dr. Zoidberg-- homeowner.

Melllvar! Dinnertime! Aw, but, Mom! I'm playin' with my collectibles! Now!

Remember, no loud noise, no head bowling, and no parties, or it'll be your ass in a jar. I want to go to that museum!

Leela was so distraught, she went all Blade Runner and built a duplicate. Then, uploaded Fry's personality from the urinal surveillance tapes. I sure love Leela.

There! Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt. All rights, ladies. Let's flush these artist lofts straights to hell!

"You a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!"

we're gonna have A tv party all right tonight we've got nothIng better to do than watch tv and have A couple of brews Yeah! Shoot things! All my friends are gonna hang out herE tonight

There must be people somewhere.

We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand. Ow! Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Let's recap what's happened so far.

We're going to die! - Right? - Right.

A weekend at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone. Huh?

Remember, when the tube opens, say "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!"

Hold me in your arms And let me be the one Who can feel like I am a child in love

Then that's what I am! (SHOUTS) (SOBBING)

I'm his prize experiment and he's like a father to me. But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father.

We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day for five days unless we see McNeal at 9:00 p.m. tomorrow. 8:00 central. Oh. I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all.

And you are outta here!

Oh, dear. I mean, oh, my. The year 10,000? But I promised Leela I'd be on time for dinner! Relax, Fry.

Of course he's here and not on another planet! In fact, he's about to talk to you right now. LEELA: Oh, good. Hello, it's me, Fry. I'm drunk right now. So just leave.

I found Bender!

Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement. Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home the atomic tiara?

Don't make me kick your neck. Bring it on, soup can. All right, break it up, you two. That's it! You're all going to jail and don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy Ford.

I am your friend... Bonder.

I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog... and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty.

Being captain is obviously more important to you than being my friend. I'm going. Going? But a captain can't drink without his first mate. You can drink with me, maybe? I don't feel like drinking.

(HUMMING) Are you about to brush your teeth? - Yeah. Why? - No reason. (GIGGLES) (LAUGHS LOUDLY) What's so funny? Nothing.

Do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera, All My Circuits? Oh, I am! Me! Bender is! Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel Air home. Yes, I will. Yep!

Uh... Sparkles? Enough zoo director talk. We know those guys, and we want them freed. DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet. Especially the male.

Cool. Can you turn into a race car? Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer. Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here.

Look, I don't care if there's horse manure in it. That's-a good.

Greetings, Bender. Thank you for transporting me from the sun to your helpless, flammable planet. How could a fire learn to talk? Did you burn up a dictionary? Or a parrot? I am a being of pure solar energy.

It's the professor! To the flying machine! To the left! No, to the up! U-turn! U-turn! We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets. No, we're not, you little bed wetter! Oops, I'm sorry.

(ALL GASP) A robot ghost? What robot would want to haunt me? Me, dumbass. Bender, Bender, Bender, Bender! Ah, tell him, you baggy old crone.

I'm going to go kill myself.

Oh, look. A cute little welcoming party. Hey, wanna buy a tiny little kidney?

(BURPS) That's my bastard.

surprise! Oh, happy birthday! Surprise! Happy birthday! And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say, "Coach Hairpiece?" No, Professor. It's a surprise party for your 150th birthday. Oh!

(CACKLING) (GASPS)

Blender, you're the only one who's sober. You got to do something! Haven't I done enough already? Please, stop the monster. Just do that one thing! Make it zero, and you got a deal. (FRUSTRATED GRUNT) What if I foldeded the Professor's sweaters for you? Both of them?

To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy who never learned the value of a dollar I leave my entire $10 million fortune. Is that a lot?

Professor? Where were you at 10:00 p.m. last night? Where am I now? So they sent a helpless child to kill me. Well, I'm not going out without a fight. Hee-ya!

He was just a stupid bureaucrat. A stupid, paper-pushing bureaucrat. A stupid I-dotting, chair-squashing... (CLEARS THROAT) Oh. No offense, Hermes. You're not like that. I mean, you're exactly like that, but you're okay! In fact, I'm putting you on the do-not-kill list.

No. They're from the Republic of French Stereotypes. Everybody hates them.

This is cool, Professor. We should go out and celebrate. Dear lord, you've all reverted to your childhood forms! Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again!

Oh, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters-- Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of you-- Leela, Bender! I missed you so much. You did? What happened?

He's mine! There's nothing more to talk about. No, no, keep talking. Amy, I hope I'm not out of line, but... Shut up, Kif. How dare you talk that way to my Kif? This planet's got it going on.

Okay, crew. Xmas break is over.

Earlier today, I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots-- Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies and there would have to be a lot of them.

Why did you come back? Honestly, I couldn't think of one good reason, but some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk.

your host for tonight's debate. You may applaud.

Somebody called a Robot Devil's here to see somebody called Fry. Uh-oh. Where'd I go just now?

Please, Bender, have some malt liquor--

No! Nothin'! Ain't gonna happen.

Stop exploding, you cowards!

When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy? To have parents. Whatever.

FARNSWORTH: Easy, easy. Taking her in for a landing.

I.C. Wiener? Oh, crud. Here's to another lousy millennium. Ow!

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

You want the rest of the cham-pag-en? No. And it's pronounced "champagne." Oh, God, no!

Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.

Enough friendly banter.

(SCOFFS) You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words. (GASPS) That's it! I'll assemble your committee!

Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag, and I did it with pride. For to express oneself by doing a thing... is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderful people.

Uh, brunch. Right. I better warn-- tell-- warn-tell the others. Okeydokey.

I suppose it is technically possible though I am already in my pajamas.

(HOWLS) No! (NIXON HOWLING ON TV)

Honeycomb's big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not small? No, no, no.

I recently upgraded my funk card.

Uh, look, Planet Express Ship, this might not be the best time, but, well, I really like you and whatever, but I think we should just be friends. No!

And the winner is-- Leela. But I didn't even limbo. No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get. As your reward, you and that hair pile are invited to dine at the captain's table this evening.

That's impossible, because my time is worthless.

Flies, flies and gorillas!

And in sports Yankees' fifth blurnsman, William Woo is out with an injured knee.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Congrats! You've accomplished so much more than most of us would bother to. Yeah, but I'm not done yet. I got a full-proof plan to make sure I go home the champ! You're gonna put sequins on your hat? (SCOFFS) See that locker? Tonya keeps her tap shoes in there. So right before she dances, I'll sneak in and put rusty tacks in them.

Bender-- damage report. The auxiliary power's out. And they spilled my cocktail. All right, scumwads, this one's for Bender's cocktail.

Hey, I called this city. Quit touching my stuff. Tell it to the claw. Bite my colossal metal ass.

Commence intercourse! Those giant guns are making me feel sort of inadequate. I'm not sure if I can... Move it. I've got to get home and do laundry.

Free... (SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING) (SCREAMS) (FIRING STOPS)

The last human ghost, but robot ghosts...

Fry, you dope. You've really screwed the granny this time. History needed that second lantern. We'd better stop Paul Revere before... (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I guess everything worked out jolly all right, eh, guvnor? (CHUCKLING) (IN BRITISH ACCENT) What's with the fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks, I got it, too.

And that'll be enough to give you a real life.

Don't just whip with your arms. The power comes from your hips. Like this! Ow! Bender, quit giving the slave drivers pointers.

Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave somewhere around here. Meanwhile, you guys sneak onto the army base and rescue Bender's body. Hey, and while we're on the base, I'll visit my Grandfather Enos. He was stationed at Roswell. Your grandfather? Stay away from him, you dimwitted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past.

If you're strapped for cash, you might want to consider this irregular unit. Cursed with a third ear, but so full of that emotion... I understand is called "love." One time, I did a hundred jump ropes. Oh! I can't decide! We're gonna have to think about it. Okay, kids. Grown-ups gotta talk now. Time for bed.

What's this era in human history like? The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead. This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We could settle down on that mountain of skulls.

Too bad, 'cause he's still alive.

So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh? Nice job. We surrender. Earth is yours.

Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over.

(CROWD CHEERING) Bendee-Bendee-Boo!

Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!

Oh, my, adrift in deepest space with a vicious alien killer aboard! Any one of us could be next. Fry, Bender, Jackie Jr., Leela... (SNARLING)

Doesn't it bother you even a little... to be taking advantage of your girlfriend's trust? Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.

Geez, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill. Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice the training you do. Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher. Oh, see? This is how it starts-- first with the jokes then comes the heavy stuff. When will the killing end?

(BLOWING) Zapp? Zapp, wake up. Leela, where are we? We crashed on an uncharted planet. When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree. Can you help me? If anyone can move it, I can.

Attention, helium miners. Can you hear me?

Bender, Leela... don't leave me. Wait a minute. Hey, hey, buddy, what year is this? Uh... 3000. 3000? Yes! I'm still in the future! Life is wonderful! Wait. What are you doing with my stuff?

Oh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must know that I'm-- Metric? I've always known. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.

The killbots? A trifle. It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. Wow, I never would have thought of that. You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down.

We must leave now, for we are needed elsewhere.

(ALL CHEERING) Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day. Hey, wait a second. (HEARTBEAT) No!

Happy New Year!

Femputer sentences them to death... by snu-snu!

I don't know what happened, but we've taken on a lot of clocks.

Attention, New New Yorkers! Stop acting so stupid!

Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar. Goose liver? Fish eggs? Feh! Where's the goose? Where's the fish? That's what rich people eat-- the garbage parts of the food. I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300!

Ow... ooh... son of a... Oh, dear! Oh, my! Uh-oh! Once more. Steady now!

Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters-- Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of you--

I'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too strong. I can't live without you. If you let go, I let go. No. You have too much to live for. It may hurt for a while but one day you'll share your love again.

The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air. Then, he bounced 1.8 meters in the air. Then, he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear? Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story. Oy.

Stop pecking me!

(SCREAMING) (SURPRISED CRY) (ALL SCREAMING)

tomorrow is today, and today is yesterday.

Pizza delivery for a Mr. Seymour Asses.

I'm going to allow this. Members of the jury did y'all happen to catch a gander at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters? That's the guy right there. - Right over there. - Yes, indeed. And are y'all going to vote to convict him? Oh, yeah.

Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross. Fry. Aw, you guys came to watch me make out. That is so sweet. Wait a second. Is that the head of who I think it's of?

Kill me, please, and make it splatter! With pleasure, Bender. Lynn? Huh. Wow, you look great. Fat, but great. I thought you were in Oregon. My mom tried to commit suicide in me. I don't want to talk about it.

My God, is it possible? It must be possible. It's happening. By the way, what's happening? It appears this universe is exactly identical to the old one. If so, we just need to keep going forward in time to the point when we left!

Ow! Ah, it's just a simple broken fang. Nothing serious. What's that you say there, Doctor? You're going to have to put him down? No, I... But I... Terrible shame, that. Shall I do the honors? No! Ow!

Silence, puny audience!

But I'm afraid we had a deal.

Well, here goes something... Don't make it... Don't make it! Son of a fish!

My bad-hearted woman loved a smooth-talking gambler So I ran him over with my train

Hello, everyone. I suppose you're wondering why my flesh has melded with that of a giant space whale. I'll admit to a polite interest.

These security tapes record everything at Planet Express, including the ship, shower and urinals. And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar. Maybe he's just trying to feed his family. Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH CRYING OUT) (ALL CRY OUT)

I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am. So what's the problem? Simply get down on your claws and do the apology dance. Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da... So it's left, left, right... Wait! I have a better idea. I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present--

There's only one way to ensure victory. I must perform the ultimate death scene. I shall drink the actual poison and actually die. But, Calculon, you can't kill yourself. I'm a celebrity. I can kill anyone I want.

The Gender Bender! Boo!

You're right, crabby. He's a hell of a lot funnier than you could ever be.

(SIGHS) I give up. No one cares about my message.

Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked.

Free beer. Free beer. Free beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer!

I don't miss twice, campers. And for those 6½ reasons I am demoting Leela to copilot. "Copilot"? Under who? The autopilot. That drunk? Mr. Bender, you are now in charge of coordinating the professor's bodily functions.

Anyone seen Ulysses Grant? He owes me a cheroot. He's over there, puking in the bushes. BOTH: No! (MUSIC STOPS)

I need to remain undercover, so I'm blanking your memory.

Watch it. That's it. You just made my list. Ow, ooh, ow, ow, ooh! Stop it! Down boy! Bad president. All right, buddy, step away from the head.

And two, and three and four, and, come on, work those arms. This is no spa. It's a forced labor camp. Curse that Dr. Zoidberg. If I get out of here he'll be looking down the business end of a shrimp fork.

That Guy's turning this place into some kind of "business."

Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really going to hurt me with a-- Hey, what are you doing with that microwave? Okay, that's it.

(BOTH YAWNING) Decisions, decisions. Should I wear my nerd glasses today, or not? Usually I don't. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter? Every decision we make opens up a universe of possibilities.

An element so rare, the nucleus alone is worth more than $50,000. How much more? 100,000. That's why I hid it here, under my mattress. Uh, Professor, can we discuss this somewhere else? Why, certainly.

Now, remember-- and I can't stress this enough-- this is a talkie, so I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene. The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take one. And action! Take back your gilded pen, Father.

Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants. Yes, like your prom dress.

They say we're anal, compulsive and weird But when push comes to shove, you've got to do what you love Even if it's not a good idea. Zoidberg! They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye I am Bender Please insert girder

Sure is shocking about the professor, huh? And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me-- Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food goes in the disposal. Hair and flesh go in the trash.

Bender? Bender?! Have you seen my sombrero?

Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint. The last proton should be decaying about now. Bye, last proton. And, here we are. The end of the universe.

I have no choice but to-- If you want Calculon to race to the lasergun battle in his Hover Ferrari, press one. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press two. Enter now. You have pressed two. No, I didn't.

Woooo! I'm a scary femputer! Release the prisoners! And bring gold! Lots of gold! Gold? Why Femputer want gold? You heard the man! Yeah. Ooh. Yeah, baby. Gimme some of dat.

Ooh. Hefty. You could really bash in a skull with this thing. I know, right? (CLEARING THROAT) What? Your awards show. I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I had a very good reason. Perhaps you'd favor us with it?

Now with the horror hair. (ALL SCREAMING) (CHOIR MUSIC)

He's come to finish the job! Someone toss me out the window!

Oh, happy birthday! Surprise! Happy birthday!

The only person I trust is myself. Help! I forgot my magnetic shoes! (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) Just stay out of my way, boy.

Eh, I'm not allowed to vote. 'Cause you're a robot? No. Convicted felon.

Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

I got to check out this brochure.

I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways... by force! What? We're goin' back to civilization... to wage war on technology! What?

I don't see any irony in that.

Not like they love Fry! They never played with me like that. They were always "too tired." Oh, what awful parents! Come closer. I'll tell you the whole story. Tell you what. Let's get an opaque bubble layer going. Okay, go.

Oh! No time! It has begun!

You ruined my life! Goodbye!

fry, throw in the towel. For God sakes, Fry! That's exactly what I was thinking.

(FRUSTRATED GRUNTING) Not until I demonstrate this new microscope lens made from the debris of that diamondium comet. Hey, Professor. Yes, Bender? Boo! (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Okay, too bad, goodbye. You're not through with this level. I have another lens.

But why did you have all five weddings on the same day? Hey, lady, you got any idea what it costs to rent a tux that changes shape?

Neanderthals, load catapult! Up here in the clouds, our technology makes us invincible, like the mighty "X" in tic-tac-toe. Look at those pathetic cavemen down there, loading their silly catapult with... What is that, Kif? (GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Then, when they grow too large we flush them down into the sub-sewer. Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there. Please, that's just a sub-urban legend.

We believe he was built, and that he was a very well-programmed robot. But he wasn't our Messiah. And so our company flames onwards. Planet Express! Limitless potential, boundless horizons! The unstoppable juggernaut of the corporate universe!

ooh! An inauspicious start...

The sticker says $55,000. But we'll only go as high as say-- $60,000. Oh, I will have to ask my manager. Amy, you don't go up from the sticker price. I thought it was an auction.

Ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Safe.

Jombee, the chocolate icing. Oh! Oh my, yes.

See, buddy, it's not so scary. I feel better now. (HONKING)

to engage in criminal behavior. How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions? (ALL GASPING) I'm awake, I'm awake! Order, order! Counselor, I am a robot myself.

Heart. Take. I've got four of them. Stomach contents: one deviled egg. Deviled egg? The same deviled egg.

We've got to be real, real careful... to stay in just long enough to make us our right ages again. Wheee! Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much, already! Help!

Whoo! That's some fine oil-ade, son. We could use a man like you in the Robot Mafia... which I'm sort of in.

If that is Bender, I guess he's just happier in his new life. I refuse to believe anyone is happy! Mr. West, would you mind if I examined your brain?

I'd sacrifice any four of you if it would help him bend even a little!

Get the hell off my planet.

Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful. The last thing I remember, I was dying in an explosion. Yet, here I am in the flesh, more alive than ever. Alive? (CLEARING THROAT) You better tell her, Fry. Tell me what?

I met her in A club down in old Soho where you drink champagne and it tastes just like coca-cola c-o-l-a Cola He sickens me.

That's some fine oil-ade, son. We could use a man like you in the Robot Mafia... which I'm sort of in. You flatter me, kind goon but I'm only programmed to sell oil-ade and write in cute backwards letters like on the sign here.

What happens if we lose? Nothing! There is nothing at stake and no threat... beyond the shame of defeat. This will not stand! I'll take you on, you air-balling bozos!

Hey, everybody! Do the Bender! This move's called the Bender. Yo, hot wheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves! Whoa-oa-oa!

Gotcha! - I don't understand. - Yes, you do. You came back in time to knock me into that freezer. And now, I came back in time to stop you. I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability. But I know you in the future. I-i cleaned your poop.

If McNeal wishes to be taken seriously why does she not simply tear the judge's head off? It is true what they say: "Women are from Omicron Persei Seven men are from Omicron Persei Nine." Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.

Hubba, hubba. She is built-- In Mexico, I believe. And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten, and plenty of it. Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust fan. Pervert. Yoo-hoo!

No, of course not. It was, uh... porno. Yeah, that's it. Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute. Aw, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long. It's okay, Bender. I like cooking, too. Pansy.

W-Where am I? Move forward! Walk into the light! Oh, God! I'm dead!

I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye. That'll take forever. What she ought to do is find a nice guy with two eyes and poke one out. Yeah. That'd be a time-saver.

Row, comrades, row! We'll soon stage an attack on technology... worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush! We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope. Aye, up!

Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.

Everybody kill everybody!

You're a delivery boy this millennium, and you'll be a delivery boy next millennium. What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to go, or he thinks your pants is too short-- which is crazy 'cause, frankly, you look fabulous. Now get goin'!

(IN LEELA'S VOICE) Not exactly. (EXCLAIMS IN FEAR) Aha! You do only like me for my body! That is entirely not true, sir!

Sorry I'm tardy, old bean. I was just enjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich. Hey, he's more classy than I realized. Tie up the prisoners. Capital idea, old sport.

Like this one "Fry falls off zoo train." He thought he recognized one of the monkeys! (ZAPPING) What was I crying about? Oh, we were just cuttin' onions, honey. Let's keep going. "Fry sits on a pie." "Fry finds popcorn in his belly button."

Oh, yeah?! Well, listen to this! I'm leaving you.

then he tastes it. He tastes it and tastes it, then tastes it some more.

You used humor to defuse the tension. Yep, and there's still a little more tension. So, look out! (CLEARS THROAT) You so ugly, when trick-or-treaters come to your house, they give you candy. You so ugly, when you go to the bank, they ask you to put on a ski mask! You so ugly, you cracked The Daily Mirror. It's a newspaper!

Sorry to interrupt this whirlwind of activity, but we have an announcement. I direct your attention to these forms... which I'm presently engaged in handing to you. Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg! They've taken over our company! Balderdash! I never agreed to that! No, but you did declare yourself dead three years ago as a tax dodge.

Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product of the sperm whale's digestive tract... that is used as a base in the finest perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.

ALL: You know you want to try it So tell your mom to buy it Buy Purpleberry Puffs cereal. Buy! Buy! Buy! Bye-bye. ANNOUNCER: We'll be back with more commercials after these important messages.

No! No! No! No! Uh-oh! Oh! Bender, you're cured!

(GROANING) Sex with Zapp! Sex with Zapp!

We've done nothing wrong. Help! I'm being held prisoner! Wha-- Someone in trouble is. No! Stay out. There's a-- a guy goin' for the Tetris world record in there.

(ALL SCREAMING) (ZAPP YODELING OVER INTERCOM) (SHUDDERS) FARNSWORTH: And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of tonguesmanship,

I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help? Oh, Fry, first of all, this is serious. And second of all--

Are you two gonna be done soon? Sorry, but we need to practice hand-to-hand combat... in case an enemy knocks the laser guns out of our hands... and they slide way across the room. Could you do it someplace else? I'm setting up Seymour's doggie bed.

Shh. You know mutants aren't allowed on the surface.

You sure you don't want to kill all humans? (SCOFFS) I love all humans. (SNIFFS) He really is gone. I guess I'm happy for him.

You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing a phone wasn't such a hassle.

Oh! Thank you, thank you. (TRUMPETING) (ANIMALS GROWLING)

He knows when you're on the can He'll hunt you down and blast your ass From here to Pakistan Oh You better not breathe, you better not move You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude Santa Claus is gunning you down.

No, you shut up, we got to get out of here. (ALL SCREAMING) Yeah, baby. Come on! All aboard the party ship!

Hey, what are you doing with that microwave?

Yes. We tore the universe a new space-hole all right, but it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to get back to our own time... is to go back through it within, oh, say... exactly 24 hours. No problem.

(SIGHS) We've had some tough times, but at least we won a Tony. You won a Tony. (SCOFFS) Wow. You gave up your super-intelligence to save us. Why did you come back? Honestly, I couldn't think of one good reason, but some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk.

After they said I had an obnoxious ego? Me, the magnificent Bender? (GASPS) Back!

Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat. Pardon me, sir-- Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind? Sure thing, pal.

Great Cheech's ghost! What's this junk? It looks like... a time line of my whole life. That's when we saved Earth from a giant asteroid of garbage. And here's when I dropped out and bummed around India for a while. And this is just last year at Space Mardi Gras.

MALE VOICE: The horse says, "Doctorate denied."

Ten-- You really think I would've had a chance with Leela? You must choose-- the present or the future. To save yourself or save Leela. One!

I'm an alien, all right? Let's drop the subject. Cool. An alien. Has your race taken over the earth? No. I just work here.

I need a name. What? How do you spell that? What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso! Hermes, quiet. I'm deducing things.

This is awesome. We're going to be, like, "Pow, pow, pow!" And they're going to be like, And then, we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be, like... Precisely.

Because the pain slowly fades, but the love is forever. Yow! But what if I forget the sweet sound of her voice, or the moist touch of her eyeball on my lips? Are you still hung up on what's-her-name? Move on already! Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm always right.

We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots. Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of jesus. Hey, zero.

I'm going too fast! I've got to lose momentum! Wh-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aw, I'm gonna spend eternity alone, with barely any swag!

You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a Cyclops. Fry's over there, mon. Oh?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I guess everything worked out jolly all right, eh, guvnor? (CHUCKLING) (IN BRITISH ACCENT) What's with the fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks, I got it, too. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Where's all the Presidents heads, then? (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I say. Appears we've changed history too much. Disaster of nightmarish proportions and what not.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Creatures have taken over my house They want my food and my skin and my time Little frogs are okay but the slugs on the rug Send me out of my mind There's no place else that I can go The only thing I can turn to is

Professor, we have no power. What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future. I'd better light some candles. Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives-- free you from the "complicated" part, I mean, not the "lives" part.

Darling, Hubie I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers. No, it was silly of me to object. One foot tall, eight feet, fifteen feet-- What does it matter? You should see the new 16-foot modelS. 16 feet?! Go to hell!

(MOOING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGING)

Here's to you. Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard! I'll kill you! I'll kill you, too, buddy. I'll kill you, too. Hey!

I am? Huh! I always strongly suspected I was one of those. One man is safe. But who will the robot pull next from the fiery hole of mystery? An actress? A celebrity chef? Stay tuned for the next 14 rescues. Fourteen? (GROANS)

FRY: Ah! We're cutting through the Bermuda Tetrahedron! Whoo-hoo! (ALARM BLARING) Wait, the Bermuda Tetrahedron? (ALL GASPING) (LIGHTNING CRACKING) I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot.

Help! I'm under attack!

Is this some sort of brain scanner? Some sort, yes. In France, it's called a guillotine. Professor! Can't you examine my brain without removing it? Yes, easily. Hey, what if Fry wasn't actually dead when we buried him? You know, like julia Roberts.

But wouldn't almost anything make a better battery than a human body? Like a potato? Or a battery? Plus, no matter how much energy they produced, it would take more energy than that to keep them alive. I know, I know. It sounds absurd. In fact, when The Matrix first came out, it seemed like the single crummiest,

Uh, have you robot versions of you guys... seen any extra Zoidbergs around here? Negative. Will you go out with me?

One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of omicron Persei 8!

We've got to do something. Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer... and reprogram it to let them go.

Oh, God, they're gonna kill me, el roboto mas importante. And I only have a 30-minute head start. Uh-oh, a fork in the path.

Happy birthday! Bender, what's going... No! Hey, can't you see I'm using the toilet?

Got you, you murderous flesh-piles. Your honor, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5 percent of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest may case. Thank you, prosecutor.

- Hmm. - Ooh. I'm not sure. I don't know.

FARNSWORTH: Alas, in recreating Fry's adorable jelly-belly, she had overstuffed him with copper wadding. The inevitable static discharge electrocuted Leela, and destroyed both of their short-term memories. So that's why I'm so amazed by these things I already knew.

And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your 20th-century garbage-making skills we'd all be buried under 20th-century garbage.

I'm the greatest... the greatest!

(CROWD SHOUTING) (SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kind of supervillain?

(GROANS) Why, God? Why have I been singled out?

(SOFT SNARLING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Bad news, everyone. The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes.

All hail Femputer! All hail Femputer! - You all obey a big computer? - Yes.

Survived a heart attack? Damn you, Obama-care! (BEEPING) I'm afraid your heart has suffered a lot of damage, Mr. Fry, and my cleavage isn't helping.

The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.

Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful. The last thing I remember, I was dying in an explosion. Yet, here I am in the flesh, more alive than ever.

Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive runoff and good old American feces.

Folks, the situation is grim, but we shall prevail thanks to you, our crack team of loyal dregs. I don't even know who this guy is. I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

You'll wanna retreat to a safe 500-meter radius! Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn. As usual. Whoo! Run away!

There, little friend. Good as new.

Will you still marry me? I would marry you even if you weren't the last man on Earth. (BOTH GASP) - What was that? I don't know... But I'm scared. Well, maybe we just need some rest. We can get married in the morning. Except there won't be morning. We can worry about that in the morning.

- Come on, Walter! - Take that! It hurts. Let's see if this actually works. Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! My face! My face too!

Bender, Bender, Bender Man, where'd the time go? Hey, you guys wanna... Oh. Right. (GASPS) They turned into petroleum oil. I thought they were selfish, yet in the end, it turns out it was I who thought they were selfish.

How do I look? Like whale barf. Then the illusion is complete. Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display, too.

(SOBBING) Crisis averted. Without alcohol, the Benders are dying off. (ALL COUGHING, GASPING) A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld. Well, into the toilet.

That was almost the perfect crime but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors... but paper covers rock and scissors cuts paper. Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and bring me a rock.

I'm dying. (COUGHS) I need mouth-to-ass resuscitation.

The Nimbus! We're saved! You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. So I boarded you, huh? Uh, what happened next? You started this stupid court-martial! Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting Melllvar.

Night, Fry. Huh? Keep your door unlocked tonight. But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!

The Internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas. We've done nothing wrong. Help! I'm being held prisoner! Wha-- Someone in trouble is. No! Stay out. There's a-- a guy goin' for the Tetris world record in there.

So's your fantasies has always been to destroys a planet, huh? Yeah. What did they ever do for me? Wow. The most humdrum activities seem almost exciting through your eyes.

They found out I work with humans, and--

Yeah! Crank up the radio! We're whalers on the--

That's Amy's sweatshirt. And that's Bender's hat from the Players' Ball! Sweet tornados of Barbados! Amy and Bender have been torn to shreds. (ALL GASP) Oh, the humanity! Also, Bender.

Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head? I need to tinker in it. Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry? Quiet you. I'm installing an "empathy chip."

Today, the competition begins. Over the course of the summer, we'll be eliminating one contestant each week, and by "we" I mean "me". Deal with it, you babies! Let the battle begin! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof. Fire lasers! Duck lasers!

Good news, everyone. I'm a horse's butt! I am? That's not good news at all, you little--

It's been a good run, people, but this is the end.

Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right? Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a broken MP3. Ho, ho-- Ow! Professor! Don't you remember what I told you? No!

I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been! Prove it! (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Go on without me. I'll hold her off. But she'll crush you like a worm... crushing a smaller worm. It's all right. I'm so tired of partying, so very tired. I'll save you the only way I know how. By partying!

(BELCHES) (GROANS) Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez. Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it.

This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also life.

You guys could learn a lesson from those two. She's right. You're my best friend, Fry. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Apology accepted. After all, you're only human. Wait a minute. You did it all backwards.

(YAWNS) I know we're ladies in waiting, but what are we waiting for?

Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.

that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope, high in the Himalayas, to search for him. You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender? What am I, psychic? I mean-- Yes! Yes, i'm-i'm sure they will. Yes.

Mr. Aragones, I'm a big fan of your cartoons and your mustache. You want it? Take it. It's brought me nothing but misery. Wow. Thanks! (EXCLAIMS) If you could just quiet down, I wanted to get your opinion of my comic book. Senor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me.

Can I do the countdown? Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff.

Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.

She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes I'll kill you, Amy. She'll be coming around the mountain She'll be coming around the mountain, she'll be--

Are you two gonna be done soon?

But how is this possible? Who knows? Oh, I do. Allow me to explain what really happened the day the ship crashed.

Nope. Too cold. Hmm. All women. I'll put this one aside for later. Oh, mon, it's hopeless! We'll never find your universe in time. Plus, this box is stuck on my fat head.

We're going to die!

against these dreadful-- Lunch is ready. Then let the feast of a thousand hams begin! So why are these Brain Spawn attacking Earth, Nibbler? The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness.

Yet still, I feel empty inside. (GROANING) That's the most uncomfortable sleeping bag I ever slept in.

It's good to have the old, weird-looking Leela back.

I got a hundred bucks on rectal exambot!

Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other... beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.

I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

Show us your real form. Yeah! DO it!

But they're kings, Mommy. jam a bastard in it, you crap!

Who the hell are you?

In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls, weighing 525 pounds--

We've not yet examined one ten-millionth of the sky. But we will go on until we find the Almighty. Even if it takes to the end of time. And then what? Then, we utter unto him a short prayer. You see, the telescope is also an amplifying transmitter. Sorta like a giant karaoke machine?

Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way? No, it is the bad kind of puppy. Then we'll go with that data file. Correct. The flower would also have been acceptable.

I'm sure a wealthy-- -- mule farmer like yourself... is aware that we charge a ten dollar monthly fee. You gotta spend money to make money. Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by four dollars.

Okay, Fry. We're done putting on the bra. Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway?

Have you thought about asking Bender for help? What are you, Randy, a complete moron? I'd love to talk to Bender, but I have no idea where he is. Well, if he's running on 12 processors, he must be someplace with a lot of power and liquid coolant. Oh, you're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself.

You've taught us to hate humans all over again.

Hey, where's my shoes? (ALL GASPING) Fry? I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas? Trust me, don't ask. Okay, dork. Listen, I'm going to hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit...

What? We got to get home! (BENDER CHUCKLES) Hey!

Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do, but you can't bring him back this way. It's hopeless. You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more. And cover your ears and go, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Enough zoo director talk. We know those guys, and we want them freed. DR. BANJO: Ah! Yes, our famous Human Habitat. This pair have been our most popular specimens yet. Especially the male. I've never seen one have so much trouble with zippers. As fun as it is to watch Fry try and operate his pants, you can't keep him and Leela here against their will.

You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh, it's for you. And the other hamburger will also be made of your lungs. So long, pal. I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty.

So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.

I've called you all here to the parlor to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room is a big murderer.

And a framed picture of me when I was only a month old.

But they're so cute. No, you can do this. It's just like murdering a little butler. I-- I can't look.

(SCREAMS) Go, me! They fight for the heck of it because they like to, here comes G.I. Zapp G.I. Zapp, G.I. Zapp! ZAPP: G.I. Zapp is the code name for an elite group of heavily armed mercenaries,

Fry, this is for you. Mmm. Mmm. Mmmmmm. Mwuh! Beep. Oh, for God's sake!

(CROWD SCREAMING) Oh, no. It's heading right for those two nerds! Whoa. Sweet shirt, dude. Thanks. I have another one that says "Paleontologists Do It In The Dirt." I'm a paleontologist. I'll save one of you!

Absolutely. (GRUNTING) There it is again. Leave my wife alone, you glimmer. It's okay, Fry. If it keeps bugging us, we'll either kill it or adopt it. Meanwhile, what do you say we get started on a very, very, very long honeymoon?

Come. Let me introduce you to yourself. Do you mind if your servants walk? Not at all. We are the last remaining Cyclopes. Our planet is Cyclopia.

Rite my riny retal rass! (OWL HOOTING)

That's it! This place is too dangerous. We gotta get you out of here. Everything's gonna be all right, Dad. Well, gadzooks! I'd better ask Sarge. No time! Run! Run to safety!

A blank wall! Fame is mine!

Sure, let me just... Whoa. WOMAN'S VOICE: First click the license agreement, dearie. I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty. (GRUNTS) Oh, God! I clicked without reading!

Hey! Let's see what it says about me. Welcome aboard, sir.

Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me.

Ooh! Oh, baby! Mmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered bones. Wow, Nude hot tubbing? That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day.

Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit.

Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my... or someone else's imagination? No. Get out. Next?

but I can't digest anything with these false teeth and this hit-or-miss colon.

Wait a minute. Is that blimp accurate? Yup. It's December 31, 2999. My God. A million years.

Damn. You guys were totally out of control. That's our job. We're peace officers.

Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say... (GASPING) This is wonderful. The last thing I remember, I was dying in an explosion.

Are you over 18? Yes. Yes. Hi.

Philip, have you lost weight? Damn it, Fry. Stop wasting time with your loved ones and find the source of the music.

they're sure to rise up and threaten mankind with extermination. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (CHUCKLING) Wait a minute. It sounds like we're getting the short end of that extermination. Don't you see, you doddering young fool? I'll sell a second wave of robots to protect the terrified survivors of the first wave.

I only wish I could've removed the stinger. I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman, I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him. Soothe us with sweet lies.

I guess I'm happy for him. And honestly, Francis is a way better friend than Bender ever was. Hey, where is Francis?

Wha-- Uh, gotta go. Fight club.

This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of. Anyway, "The Thing Longer" seems to be a rousing success. Good work. Right on, Professor. So that's what things would be like if I'd invented "The Thing Longer."

None too soon. While you were gone, the Trotters held a news conference to announce that I was a jive sucker.

I know, right? (CLEARING THROAT) What? Your awards show. I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I had a very good reason. Perhaps you'd favor us with it? My pleasure. You see, I came down with a searing case of "who-gives-a-crap?"

(EXCLAIMS) If you could just quiet down, I wanted to get your opinion of my comic book. Senor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me. Mmm. It stinks.

Free corn? Well, that'll suit me just fine.

I'd grab his ugly little neck and... (GRUNTS) (GIGGLES) Hey, he stopped screaming for a second! Bend some other stuff! (LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) Bend! Bend! He loves bending, just like me.

And now with his annual Xmas message, here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council, the head of Walter Cronkite. Season's warnings, Linda and Morbo. This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle? In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season,

We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.

Also with us are Nichelle Nichols A.K.A. Commander Uhura. Incoming transmission from MCI One-rate Department. It sounds like a limited-time offer. Tell them I'm in the tub.

Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense. Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Yes, yes, Doctor. Right here.

Our poodle has two daddies. BENDER: Interracial, interplanetary, even ghost and horse, but not robot and human! (ALL BOOING) (BOOING) That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage!

Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?

Not even a little.

Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here. Oh-hoo, what's this?

I'm dying. (COUGHS) I need mouth-to-ass resuscitation. I'm on it! (INHALES) (BLOWING) (MUFFLED) It's not working! (CHUCKLING) I die happy knowing you fell for that.

Bye, last proton. And, here we are. The end of the universe. Well, now what? You guys want to talk? No, thanks.

Come now, Fry, you can't live out this sick fantasy. Not without our help. These security tapes record everything at Planet Express, including the ship, shower and urinals. And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar. Maybe he's just trying to feed his family.

Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile.

Perhaps you wouldn't be so worried about them if you knew what they really thought of you. It's so great being away from everyone. Zoidberg and his awful stench. Stanky. Bender and his obnoxious ego. But... But... And what about Amy? Always prancing around in those stupid marmoset pajamas. Hey!

I'm going to implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. Keep that thing away from me. Hold still, damn it! I don't have good depth perception.

Another Yeti? Yes, the same jerk that once noshed on me like a shrimp toast. Now who's getting his pineal gland extracted? (GRUNTS) Yes, this contains a concentrated form of the Yeti neurotoxin. But that's what gave him Yeti-ism in the first place. Won't it just make him a double-Yeti?

Ow, my ass! Get off! Get off!

FARNSWORTH: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.

Folks 'round these parts call me the Colonel. Here, have some breathers courtesy of our chamber of commerce. This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now, if they could put it in the form of a suppository...

Well, my legs are made of rubber. And anyway, I am just as strong as you are, Mac. Oh, yeah? Prove it.

The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you. But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton, or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness?

Leela? Amy? Amy! I'm done polishing my ass, Fry. Here's your toothbrush back. (GASPING) (SCREAMING)

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door! Uh, Ms. Johnson? Please bring in some more chair fuel.

(BELL TOLLS) (ALL GASP)

Well? Speak up. You talk of important decisions, but as robots, you have no free will. Why pretend anything you do matters? Our decisions do matter. The fact that they're predetermined makes them no less important. Silence! I call for a decision to cast out the intruder. All in favor? Aye. Aye.

Welcome! To the world of tomorrow!

I'd love to chip in, but Bender stole my wallet.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Introducing the all-new eyePhone 2.0. (CHEERING) Dumb bastards.

I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used. Attention, job deserters!

Hey, it's all my favorite patients. And also Captain Tucker. Pow! Whoa! You totally got me, Dr. John. You're hilarious. Zoidberg was popular? Zoidberg had hair? I never said he had hair! If you chose to imagine him that way, that's your business.

My God, the real Santa! Get him, Jesus! I help those who help themselves!

Okay. Yeah. Mmm! What's that black cracker? A tomato. You're not gonna eat a sandwich from a truck-stop men's room, are you? Ehh, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Bender, are you crying? Uh, no. Never.

Maybe later. Uh, h-hey! I have an idea. Let's all go out for ice cream. Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee. I don't really like coffee. Neither do I. Ooh. I feel a little tipsy.

I am a battle-droid, sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots.

Oh, geez, get a room. Maybe later. Uh, h-hey! I have an idea. Let's all go out for ice cream. Actually, I thought Amy might like to come back to my place for coffee. I don't really like coffee. Neither do I.

Delivery boy, no discernible skills. Accepted! 'Cause I like his pants. Yes! My lucky pants!

One, two! one, two, three!

You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future. It's Politics 101. (SCREAMING)

Oh, God, I can't believe I abandoned Fry. I'll never forget the feel of his soft skin against my flailing fists. (SOBS) Wait, there's still some beer left.

Professor? Where were you at 10:00 p.m. last night? Where am I now?

Why I should care? Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! (NIXON EXCLAIMS) My God, we're defenseless, like fish in a barrel. Options? My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.

Remember that mural on my cousin's van? It's like it came to life! I keep telling you, we didn't grow up together. LEELA: Help, help!

Fry! (SOBBING) Lrrr! You were willing to shoot that bossy temptress! You really do value my nagging above all others!

One, zero, uh-- One, one, zero, zero, one--

Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate? Hi, Red! Roberto? Wh-Wh-Wh-What are you doing here? I got busted robbin' that bank again.

I'm bored! Let's go.

Bender was a lot of things to a lot of people, but looking back, the number-one thing I can say about him is this, and simply this-- Bender was my friend.

Here. Take your mind off it with these soothing relaxation balls. All right. I got him all heebie-jeebied with my bathroom of horrors. One more good scare, and I'll be out of limbo. Ooh. Did someone say limbo?

All you ever do is complain. You never try to make things better.

I'll kill you, you slut-clops! (EXCLAIMS) He's mine! Back off, missy! (BOTH GRUNTING) Somebody do something! Here, take this! A gun? Do I really need to...

If he catches you after dark he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors.

Who are you talking to? No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender. I love you--

He killed my second-to-last Agnew.

This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby. Cigarette, pardner? Oh, I don't-- I haven't even lit it yet. Oh. - Is it lit now? - Yep. You're pathetic.

Ow! What was that for?! Hey, come on! That hurt!

Thank you, Assie. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) Bender? It's for you.

I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan. Good morning, lover.

I'll never see Hermes again. On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.

Could it possibly be? Are the old legends true? It is! It's the fabled lost city of Atlanta! Howdy, y'all! Welcome to Atlanta.

Stop! No shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression! Spare me your space-age technobabble, Attila the Hun.

Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy, 10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us.

What is this moose drip? "The New Delivery Kings?" I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts. But they're kings, Mommy. jam a bastard in it, you crap! Ow!

File long applications To get into my tenth birthday party But something changed when my man turned pro I was sorting but I wasn't smiling He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks it's supposed to be about the filing People We didn't choose to be bureaucrats No, that's what Almighty jah made us

He's right. I've got to start investing wisely. Well, down to my last lottery ticket. Cherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud! So, you got six bucks left to retire on. I recommend Tender Vittles.

This show is awesome! When I grow up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia! Me too! I mean, I have it now, but I forgot. Well, mine's louder! Cram a ham in it, you twerps! Aaah! Sorry. Nah. I had it coming.

Bender? What happened to your leg tube?

Good-bye, cruel lamp. Good-bye, cruel velvet drapes lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the... cute little Pom-Pom curtain pull-cords. Cruel though they may be, I--

That's gropey and that's cheaty.

Who are we to say they can't? The mayor's aide... and his badge. Beat it, kids! Come back when you got connections! All right, little ones. Back to the orphanarium. You can slide around the gym in your socks. What socks?

Let's find out together. I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope. That's so sweet. I'm just saying, is all.

Oh, God! WELLES: Earth is conquered, the destruction of civilization complete. Now stay tuned for Little Orphan Annie. To hell with Little Orphan Annie! We've got to do something.

The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer him, fool. It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.

It's time to shut down nappster.com.

Bender! Fry? How'd you find me? I used the Find My Robot app. BENDER: Neat. What was it, 99 cents? No, free. But it's got ads on it. That seems fair. Look, Bender, I'm sorry for doubting you. I realize now that you're a true hero, not a glory seeking arsonist.

"I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud.

We came here instead of eating today. This might be their only chance to skate here their whole lives. Who are we to say they can't? The mayor's aide... and his badge. Beat it, kids! Come back when you got connections! All right, little ones. Back to the orphanarium.

Bot wash, yeah Oh... Oh!

You in? Or do I gotta kill ya so ya don't squeal? I'm in! I'm in! So, when were you plannin' the breakout? I'm thinkin'... maybe a few seconds ago. Quick! Let's keep escaping!

Cut to the chase, Preach. Do you, Alcazar, take this woman... Poorer, in sickness, to love, death, part? Yeah, sure, I do. Come on-- faster! Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response till death do you part?

Now it's time for my song. When I was two there was a tidal wave in... Aw!

The stinger went right through me, and you got all the poison.

Boy, Bender, you sure were chock full of parts. I didn't even know you had a wishbone. I had a lot of magic things. And we'll never get them all back. Oh, sure we will. If we live a really long time. Let's get started.

Exactly. All right! I'm a delivery boy!

Okay, okay, okay. Get ready for this part! Quiet, robot! Bender's on TV. Oh, Calculon, it's so good to get away from the city... and that beastly yet intriguing Bender.

(GROANS) (COMMUNICATOR BEEPS) Well, if it isn't my second favorite Turanga girl. Hi, Zapp. I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner tonight with me and my mom. You know, to celebrate your genuine love for her. Sounds good. And don't forget my genuine love for Parmezian cheese.

I refuse to believe anyone is happy! Mr. West, would you mind if I examined your brain?

(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)

Abandon ship! No! Set course for that cholesterol-encrusted valve.

This is your home planet? We're the evil invading aliens? Correct. Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth. May you bounce in peace. Get the hell off my planet.

Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist? Usually, but not at the moment. I only ask 'cause the Oracle thinks you're going to pull off a major theft next Thursday. Next Thursday, you say? Pray, continue. Are you familiar with this particular location?

Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out. Never! Why can't you accept his help? I hate him! But he's just a tool to make your life easier, like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit. I can't ask for his help because--

No! Stop! Wait a minute, man! I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living!

I didn't want to leave them either, Fry. But what were we supposed to do? Well, usually on the show, someone would come up with a complicated plan, then explain it with a simple analogy. Hmm. If we can reroute engine power through the primary weapons... and reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure.

(DOGS BARKING) So the dogs do all the work while we sportsmen enjoy a nice horsey ride?

Our peace ring has 'em trapped like a tiger in a washing machine. Get ready! Okay, watch yourself. Here they come. When you were planning this peace ring,

I warned you not to use those things! Let's see. We've got our malt, our hops. We just need a big disposable tub to mix it in. Yo! Now it needs to boil for a couple hours.

I find both genders supremely disappointing. The real reason I administered this bizarre, outer space test was to teach you to work together. But you couldn't. Thanks to you, I lost my bet with the Borax Kid. Never bet against me being stupid. ROCK ALIEN: Enough! Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony.

I'm all scuttled out. Wha--

Fry! I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out?

(BELCHES) (GROANS) Fry! That's disgusting! What? You double-dipped! Geez. Crew, you're working too hard. Tell me about it.

Hey, guys, it's me, Bender. The famous, sexy, thrilling hero. So now that we're a firehouse, we should make some firehouse chili. What do you want in that, beans or just blood? (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Oh, no! Surprisingly, a fire has broken out at the meat market where I am!

MALE VOICE: Hold it, Calculon. As president of this network, I believe that's my decision. Thank you, Charles, that will be all. Calculon, I'm afraid you won't be returning to All My Circuits. What? Called it.

Four alarm chili. Four alarm chili. Hello! I'm Prime Minister Nelson Okeke of Nigeria. I trust you received my spam e-mail? Nelson, thank God you're here, Hermes!

Oh, dear God! Presenting the president of the network. Greetings, gentlemen. You already know my execubots.

Honestly, that went better than I expected.

Get ready! Okay, watch yourself. Here they come. When you were planning this peace ring, didn't you realize spaceships can move in three dimensions? No, I did not.

"A" is for a... Wait!

Hey, wait a minute. He was also a robot? Dude! So a robot fox killed a robot human? I guess that makes it okay.

Look out! Look out! I'm going to crash my slow-mobile. I had to swerve to avoid you. While you're crashing could you tell us where all these canisters end up? Oh, you want central filing. Okay.

Oh, merciful Poseidon, take pity on this mechanical mariner. Oh, geez.

Ah. That scrap metal I ordered is here. I'm 40% scrap metal. Well, Ben Franklin, my fellow son of liber-tea kettles. Yes, I've made some new teakettles.

We're all scared. It's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy facade? Now, beat it!

Valentine's Day is coming. Oh, crap. I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

Look, there's Macaulay Culkon! He's just not cute since he got puberty installed. Psst! There's that robot child actor who grew up and robbed the convenience store. And there's that robot child actor who grew up and became a convenience store. Lottery ticket, please.

A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard. Never! A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires. Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job. And finally, a chump, to be caught on video and later arrested.

Good work, everyone. I suggest you all go get some sleep. Me? Well, I'm gonna stay up all night... singing songs about penguins in a fine piercing tenor. Has anyone seen Bender? Bender! Here, robot, robot, robot!

Oh, great news, everyone. Shove it. We quit! In that case, I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation. Vacation? All right! Whoo!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Silence, puny audience! And welcome to Who Dares To Be A Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, as I chitchat with our first contestant, Philip J. Fry. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Robot Porno Theater?

It's not working! He's drawing strength from our weapons! Like a balloon, and... something bad happens!

TRAVERS: With the working class gone, robots were forced to do all the menial labor. Before long, they rose up in revolt...

Lieutenant, some things came off me and clogged the drain, so if you could-- Oh, ho! What's this?

(ALL COUGHING, GASPING)

And the winner is... Robot House?! Whoa... whoa... whoa!

(HUMMING) Howdy, folks, and may I say nice work keeping those sickos penned up. Put her there. You, too, buddy, and you, and you, and you, and especially you.

Great food, huh? (BURPS) (ALL GROANING) Ew! I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me. No, it only makes you more attractive. (PEOPLE GASPING) Ew!

Look. The first fish to crawl up on land. It was coming right at us! You saw it. I'm gonna grab another beer. Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs! It's okay. They're not going anywhere.

Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard! I'll kill you!

People of New New York, this is Surgeon General Ogden Wernstrom. Wern... (COUGHING) ...strom! No doctor likes hurling his patients into the sun, but since there is no way to make a vaccine for the common cold... (GRUNTS) There is a way to make a vaccine!

Leela? Hey. It's only 6:25. So why does my watch say 7:03? Of course. My watch is fast because it kept running every time I hit the button. So Leela's actually on time. Hi, Leela. Fry.

Aw, He looks like a little insane drunken angel. Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto. Hey, mon. Nice to meet you-- Come out with your hands up! hostages!

Second place? That's a fancy word for losing! You... didn't... stick your landing! Forgive me, my friend. Never! And before we announce the winner, we have a special award for a first-time contestant-- Ms. Leela and her mystery pet, Nibbler.

I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really going to hurt me with a-- Hey, what are you doing with that microwave?

He's bluffing. No creature would willingly make an idiot out of itself. Obviously you've never been in love. Huuh!

So, I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant?

Mmm. It's a good start. Uh, yeah, it's definitely big, all right. I just wonder if it's too big, you know? I mean, are people gonna be remembering me or the statue? But, sire, we made it to your exact specifications. Too exact, if you ask me.

Why couldn't she be the other kind of mermaid with the fish part on top, and the lady part on the bottom?

Adios. (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) Your aft-plate. Its fiery gleam saved a ship full of South Beach swabbies. Well, I do polish it every day, and I sleep in a chamois diaper. It's 100 times more reflective than the mirror in my beacon. Might I keep it for the lighthouse?

Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry... playing 900 of these classic themes in your own home... on this two-record set. That's over 30 minutes of music for only 14.99.

When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

(POP SONG PLAYING) Wow! It's that obscure underground song that's constantly playing everywhere. Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly...

Toodle-oo! Dumb ass. What a nice lady.

Husband, can't you go anywhere without lightin' somethin' up? It's an old jamaican accounting tradition. We burn his time card.

Shh. Don't talk during the movie.

Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch. Oh, God, my tract. He's so proud of his awful cooking. If we don't eat it, he'll be crushed. All right. Don't panic. If we can get to the ship, we can fly north and hide under the polar ice caps for a few weeks. Good idea. What's the holdup?

Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness or I'm drunk or I ate too much candy.

Al? I did my hair the way you wanted it.

And non-union action! I like ice cream. And I like lollipops. And I like you, Princess Num Num. Ew! I'm all licky-sticky!

Bring on the one called "Leela."

This is the worst kind of discrimination-- the kind against me. All right, look, our policy is if for any reason you're not completely satisfied,

There's no such thing as whatever you're saying. Ow, ow, ow! Whoa, maybe you're right. I only meant to slap you twice. All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting.

Hello? Is anyone still alive? How 'bout in the porno theater? Don't be embarrassed. They're dead.

I guess that just leaves you and your fake fiancÉ... all alone on a romantic cruise. Take it off or I'll break it off.

My first space delivery. Greetings, moon man. We come in peace. I am Fry, from the planet Earth. Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach. But you are lazy, right? Oh, don't get me started.

Don't go, Leela, please! You and me... We were supposed to... What? I don't know, but someday we'll find out. Won't we? Goodbye, Fry.

It's set in the year 4000, and we call it Futurella! (BUZZER SOUNDING) Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process.

Oh, you want it? Come and get it. (STRAINING) What the... (LAUGHING) You'll not be getting it after all. For, you see, I designed the operating system for all Momco robots,

we're in trouble. You jerk! Why'd you have to drag us along? I wanted to watch you remember me.

Bad news, friends.

Was that a fart joke? Because I don't find those amusing.

People We didn't choose to be bureaucrats No, that's what Almighty jah made us We'd treat people like swine and make 'em stand in line Even if nobody paid us They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats

(CHUCKLES) And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... His compartment? (GROANS) All right. I'll need accomplices.

I'm actually gay.

Nothing. Nothing. Crap. Crap. Garbage. Read 'em and leak saltwater. My baby's milk money!

Right. I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous who drank Ungo the Moist who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant who slurped Hudj the Dewy who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky do solemnly swear to rule with honor and...

You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.

It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.

What a nice lady.

I'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too strong. I can't live without you. If you let go, I let go. No. You have too much to live for. It may hurt for a while but one day you'll share your love again. After all, it's shareware.

Now he's trapped in a book I wrote-- a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors. The big brain am winning again! I am the "greetest"! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

LRRR: Jrrr, how do I watch a funny on the YouTube?

This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is-- My next clue came at 4:15 when the clock stopped and another came two hours later, at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.

Anything. Seriously, I'd take an armpit. Oh, yeah! Thank you, Linda! You're welcome. Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn. If that is your Freedom Day wish.

(DOORBELL CHIMES) I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! May I crash on your couch?

Why are all these people standing around when they should be partying?

I want to have your popplers! There'll never be anyone but you! Hello. Of course I'll marry you. Wait, what the shmell happened? I thought Ndnd disintegrated you with this ray gun. (SCOFFS) It's just a cheap teleporter. I bought it out of the back of a comic book. Cha-ching!

So, Fry... what do you think of the impulsive new me? I like it. Good, now let me just get the lights. I really like it.

download porno on a crowded bus,

Bender and I have our disagreements, but we're still friends. And I'm gonna show him what that means. To the ship! Why don't you just walk? He was only about 20 yards from here. Madam, I am in command now. Such a man.

Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you? We'll meet your roommate next, shall we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie. The car dealer? Wow. I guess his prices really were insane.

Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours. Also, the males are layin' eggs. This man has over-gasped.

Task completed. Total value, $4.73 and one Albanian lek. Very good, Robot 1-X. - And you, Bending Unit? - Uh, I never got the change. Suckers.

Tempers are wearing thin. Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.

Huh? Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him that hath taken us unto his breast!

Anyone want butter on that? Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this game.

(SCREAMING) (TRUMPETING) (ALL SHOUTING) Dear God, look at those hairy elephants! Kill all modern humans!

You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir. Bravo!

Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join the country club. Ah, Fry! I'll miss you! Y'all come back, now, you hear?

Sometimes I fear we are cute. Oh, niggle-snoosh!

I'm gonna kick your ass, little girl.

Can I have my old job back? Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you. 'Cause he destroyed your business, your home and all your possessions. Oh, that's right. Get lost!

A boil kinna have a name? They also said a boil kinna sing, but... Amazing grace How... (SCREAMS)

Look at me! I'm invisible.

BENDER: Hey, what are you doing? Cut that out. Hey, you got me under control. FRY: Fry and Bender! A winning combination. BENDER: Let's call ourselves Frender. BOTH: Frender, Frender, Frender Frender, Frender, Frender...

You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir.

Nice. Listen to that baby purr. There's a baby in there, huh? It's just like riding a bicycle-- Ay-yi-yi!

- Hey, Zapp. - Huh?

(CRUNCHING NOISE) That's no good. Wait, I know what'll confuse those dogs. Catnip. (CATS YOWLING)

Hello. What's this flaming pool? You mean the company lava pit that goes all the way to the Earth's fiery core? Uh, I don't know. The core? Oh, this is too easy.

Alcazar, I used to be a baby.

My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender.

Of all the parasites I've had over the years, these worms are among the-- Hell, they are the best! Leela, how can I ever repay you for saving them? I'll think of something. Hello! What's all this then?

Every emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one.

Excuse me. We're from the Planet Express Delivery Company. We're here to deliver a robot. I am Bender. Please insert girder. Looks like we've got a new office cutup.

Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy. Wait, uh... This is no record. Give me back that check. I'm giving it to some giant orphans. Ow! Bender, you're hurting me! Ow! Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here.

(MOTORCYCLE REVVING) At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with Shut Up and Love Me. (ROCK SONG PLAYING) Shut up and love me Shut up and love me

Hey, what's the dillio? Your upgrade is complete. But I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups. Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real?

Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now

Hey, smelly-pants. Leela! Leela? Amy? Amy! I'm done polishing my ass, Fry. Here's your toothbrush back. (GASPING) (SCREAMING)

Hey, Alcazar, you left somebody off the guest list. Alcazar! Why you are so late for our wedding? And why you have only one eye? It's... Ooh. Uh, hey, sweetie. just go back to the castle and wait for me.

Here's to another lousy millennium. Ow!

Yes, comets. The icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost... or something.

Transmission over. Well, that went okay. I tell you-- When you know you can't scratch that's when you really have to, huh? Oh... Oh, yeah, that feels a lot better. What? It's still on? Oh!

Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it? Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself,

There's no such thing as mutants.

Hey, Leels. Hi, Cubert.

So the real gift Spargle gave you was confidence-- the confidence to be your best. Yes, ordinary water laced with nothing more... than a few spoonfuls of L.S.D. The important thing is by my standards, I won fair and square.

Fry! I missed you. Did you find out what you needed to find out? I'm about to. Leela, let me play for you one more time.

Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with ten wins on the pro circuit. Hello, beautiful. I think she means ten wins on the gay circuit. I wish. Those cats can really fly.

Okay. You had a balance of 93 cents. All right. At an average of 2 1/4 percent interest over a period of 1,000 years that comes to... $4.3 billion.

How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay? I'm feeling a little neglected here.

He made it! Yeah! Way to go! Woo-hoo! That was the greatest thing ever. Let's party. I'm all right Nobody worry about me Yeah, baby. Come on! Where did you get that C.D.? It's one of my 10 desert island discs.

Ugh! And the aftertaste.

Hmm. Soap. I know Fry's afraid of that.

Great. The entire universe was destroyed.

She may be different, but she still deserves a good home. Oh, all right. If you really want that one, I can give her an operation to make her acceptable. She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is. Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were? Damn right I was! Yea! Shut up, Fry. Now, look, Adlai.

Clamps, clamps, clamps.

I don't know where it went. Just leave me alone. I'm really, really scared. Bender? What? Where'd you get those ears? I've always had ears. No, you haven't. All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail.

Out of my way, losers!

Bender! Shut the hell up! (POWER SURGING) Bender! Stop shutting the hell up!

Also ironic. Oh, yeah? Well, bite my shiny metal-- Oh, no!

Two, three... hey.

Yo. And the microwave radiation... combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself. Have you seen today's news? "High School Gym Renovations On Schedule"? - What a load! - No. Over here. "Flying Saucer Captured."

(RINGING) Sex with Zapp!

Wow, look at that. Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system. Where? Right in front of you. Oh! Oh!

What's your plan? What plan? I'm set for life. Au revoir, suckers.

Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.

That he will not, for you see, it is your fate to kill him. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Says you. I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life. But, Bender, isn't a robot life worth ever so much more than a human life? Of course not. What idiot thinks that?

(GRUNTING) NIXON: Ugh! Here comes a water balloon. (MEN GRUNTING) NIXON: That's quite a splash. (SCREAMS) NIXON: Uh, beam me up, Scotty. (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) NIXON: Yay! I caught it.

an A-minus-minus!

Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays we have a type of game played entirely on video. We call it a video game. A video game, you say? Well, golly gee. You mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.

Isn't that right, Kiff? Please, I'm creating.

You call yourself a robot? I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!

Which reminds me, this is still a mugging, so... - Hee-ya! - Ow! (GRUNTING) Help, I'm being mugged! (BOTH SNIGGERING)

Rite my riny retal rass!

Fry, you're so confident and take-charge on this trip. It's kind of a turn-on. Not now, Leela. I'm trying to meet old people.

Good news, boss. After 10 long years, I've found the secret of robotic free will. We can finally build robots that act and think with total independence. At last. Once we give robots free will, they're sure to rise up and threaten mankind with extermination.

Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving that the deadliest animal of all... is the Zookeeper.

Excuse me for a moment. (SHOUTING) No!

Help! Thank God this log is sturdy.

A rat! Yes, she is a rat. No, look! Which way to the tiny hookers? (SCREAMING) A big, fat roach! What? I thought I put that away. No, there! Who are you? Bender sent me.

I have to go. This is just too freaky! Please don't get upset, Leela. She's nothing like you. I have to go. This is just too freaky.

You're twice the "The" he ever was.

Now they drank my booze? They've gone too far! Wait a second. All Benders are powered by alcohol! Of course.

I'm great! Everybody else sucks!

Very observant, Professor.

Where did you get this bracelet? Did you steal it from me when I was a baby? Or from my parents? You robbed my parents, didn't you? I bet you sick mutants killed them! My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth, and you killed them! Is that it? Admit it!

I love the future! Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room. Ah... futuristic. Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering. Those poor 20th-century women. Hey, handsome... Is there room in there for two?

Wait a second. All Benders are powered by alcohol! Of course. Long before the Benders devour the Earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off. This is a problem that will solve itself. A problem that solves itself? That sounds like a job for me, Bender. (SNORING)

Not Funog! Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl. I'll put on my tutu.

A few drops will cause the inner perfection... of any dish to blossom forth. There goes my... life.

Noooo! She's gone.

I don't want to die at the age of 25! Honey, unless we hit a time warp I wouldn't worry about it.

I have now. And what's Peter Parrot's first rule of captaining? Always respect the chain o' command, Captain. Correct, Wiggles. You've just earned an invitation to the captain's table. The captain's table. What an honor.

Bend it, Daddy! Bend it like it called you poo-poo-face!

Are you crazy? There's mutants down there. They'll eat you alive. They're hideous!

I will now perform my people's native dance. Do the hustle It says here that "this part of the Hustle implores the gods... to grant a favor, usually a Trans Am."

From now on, you'll be known as Wiggles.

Are you goin' to scarborough fair Parsley, sage rosemary and thyme remember me To one who lives there

For this highly Controversial mission, you'll be towing the juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter. Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak. Impossible. The tanker has 6,000 hulls.

Gambling's wrong and so is cheating So is forging phony I.O.U.s Let's let Lady Luck decide What type of torture's justified I'm pit boss here on level two Ooh, deep-fried robot. just tell me why? Please read this 55-page warrant There must be robots worse than I

Fry, I challenge you to Claw Plock.

You the kind of sap I like.

Remember me! I will. I will. Please, just leave me alone.

Halt! Visitors are forbidden. Oh, really? Does that rule apply to Clippie winners?

Oh! The Colonial dustup. Well, there's nothing we Brits enjoy more than a good documentary. Turn on the tellyvisor, Dr. Zoidsmythe.

You and Morgan were having an affair? I couldn't help it. She loved me because of the part of me that's a slob. I loved her because of the part of me that's desperate.

Harpoon, my ass.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING) Okay. You guys take him back to Planet Express. I've got one more shenanigan up my sleeve. But you promised us way-back ice cream. Here. But no chocolate, it's bedtime.

And, here we are. The end of the universe. Well, now what? You guys want to talk? No, thanks.

You look different. Did you get a haircut? No! I sold my body. Sold your body?!

Your turn, Nibbler honey. Herd those sheep!

It appears this universe is exactly identical to the old one. If so, we just need to keep going forward in time to the point when we left!

And so, on behalf of the entire city I thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I now present you with the academy prize which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass. Yes! In your face, Wernstrom!

And now, the hand-eye coordination lobe.

On the other hand, we already made up... 200 pounds of batter for penguin tempura. Okay, boys, it's them or us! No! Hey, where'd they-- Attack!

Is there nothing in the future worth saving? Mmm, Leela. But she doesn't think much of me. Ah. She must be the other. Wh-Wha-- You must not give up on her.

Can't we just shoot a missile at it? We've simulated that on a supercomputer but the ball is just too damn gooey. A missile would go right through it.

(ZAPP YODELING OVER INTERCOM) (SHUDDERS) FARNSWORTH: And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of tonguesmanship, we plunged into a massive wormhole, never to be seen again.

All right. This is for their own good. Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families.

Bender, would you like to make a deal? I'm not stupid. So, yes, absolutely. What have I agreed to?

Nope. He's too dumb and I don't care.

And every five minutes I don't get it, someone's going to get stabbed in the ass! DR. ZOIDBERG: He's bluffing. (STABBING SOUND) Ouch! He's not bluffing!

Fry, look what you did.

Five, four, three, two, three, four, five, six-- just fire the damn thing. Oops.

I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I-- $500 and time served. Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man. Bender, honey, we love you. Sure, baby, I know it.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is. Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were? Damn right I was! Yea! Shut up, Fry. Now, look, Adlai. I'm proud to be different. And I just wish I'd realized that when I was her age.

but I need it to watch the movie. just ask flabby over here to describe it to you, later. Sir, she is as the factory made her. Well, they should have stopped making her about halfway through.

With less Sodom and more Gomorrah. Let's do it. I shall become the mother of a new world, trapped here, under this tree. The tree of knowledge! Look, it even has apples! Ow! Wow.

This boot print on the professor's lab coat. Uh... couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See? Eww. What smells like boot feet? This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is--

I'm genuinely sick. But we're about to take off. We got to eat our blast-off sundaes. I can't move. Oh, I think I'm going to output. Okay, you stay in bed. I'll eat yours. Bender's sick. Hmm, need any help taking off?

I left my window open, and moths got in.

Okay. So long, Your Majesty. There but for the flip of a coin go we.

Daisy! Daisy! My mind is going!

Thank you very much.

There'll be no promotions unless somebody dies. And even then, only if we can't bring them back as a zombie, like Scruffy. Life and death are a seamless continuum.

Decisions I made Thought I was a thug Dropped outta school and smoked stuff that's like a drug A broke-down filthy homeless substance abuser And now I'm richer than all y'all losers Now he's richer than all y'all ugly losers

In fact, severely reduced pay all around.

All right! Come back, Bender! It's working! To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw. It's back on!

- (LAUGHS) - Whoo! You're on fire!

FRY: After centuries as a delivery boy, nothing surprises me. You stink, loser.

Ooh! Oooh! Ohh!

I'd like to propose a toast to... Coat check #84. Turn it over. Oh. Edna, of all the slimy, gross crab monsters on this planet you are apparently the hottest. Oy.

You know, I'm also an ultimate robot lover.

Boring? Baseball wasn't... Hmm, so they finally jazzed it up.

I need a stapler! Stop. Stop. If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad. It's working. They think we're making out. Wait. Why aren't we making out? I don't know.

Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads a binary file to Francine's internal drive. Manufacturing specs from each parent are then merged by a randomized algorithm, and the resulting code guides assembly of a new robot.

Attention, helium miners. Can you hear me? MINER 1: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) For God's sake, help us! MINER 2: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) We're in agonizing pain! (ALL SNICKERING) (WHISPERS) Stop laughing.

MINERS: (SINGING IN HIGH PITCH) The Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-da, Doo-da (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHS) Let's do this.

Fry? Is it really you? I don't know. Is it really you? What do you mean you don't know? Are you you or not? Who wants to know? Oh, Fry, it is you! Boo!

Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd been naughty and who'd been nice and distribute presents accordingly but something went wrong. Wow, 2801. Anyway... Wait, you fool!

You can teach them how to surf, and they can make sure you don't... (MIMICS CORK POPPING) (GURGLING) (GIBBERING) (MIMICS GUNSHOT) I don't know. Would you come, too, sweetie? I can't. I have to keep an eye on Mom to make sure she and Zapp don't... (MIMICKING SIREN) (CHUGGING) Yee-haw!

ooh! An inauspicious start... for the career of the first woman blernsballer.

I can't believe it! I'm gonna die! How much time does he have left, Professor? Between a minute and a billion years. Well, at least you can plan accordingly. Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality? Violent outbursts. General sluttiness. Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Neat! You can do it, Kif! Whoa, Nelly!

Guys! Guys, you're never gonna believe this! We know! They shmooped up Manhattan and blasted us toward the sun! They did? Ah, so that's why this was unguarded.

You wouldn't be scared of the po-po if you had a ship like mine. Yo, Professor, if your ship's so dope, why are those cops on your tail like my dad's verbal abuse on my psyche? 'Cause you haven't seen what old Bessie can do yet.

Precious hamburgers?

Oh, Lord, he's made of wood. What now, Bender? I got a downgrade. I'm a steam-powered wooden robot... just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X! That's just stupid!

We're getting younger by the minute! What? I'm gonna revert... through all my larval stages? Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger... until we suffer a fate worse than death-- pre-life! Then death.

Yeah, it was me. It's a cute song.

Oh, my God. What the...? Hey, Alcazar, you left somebody off the guest list. Alcazar! Why you are so late for our wedding? And why you have only one eye? It's...

Hey, chumps and chumpettes.

Let's just go alphabetically. Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Wait, let's go by rank. Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Flexo outranks me? That's "Flexo outranks me, sir."

Oh, boy! It's Santa. Ho... Ho... Ho!

I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body. (IN HERMES'S VOICE) I was inspired by Amy. Wow! How'd you do it? Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae, and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. Forever.

Oh, right, it's Wednesday!

I don't know why you ever married that pig-nosed punk. I don't know, either. I'm married to the job now. I used to think there was someone for me, but... Ow! How odd. It's one of those old record-your-own-message birthday cards. (TUNE PLAYING) Happy birthday, Leela!

My life is over. No, it isn't. You have another ten years left. Leela, he could live another hundred years. No, he couldn't.

Hey! Turn that damn music... up!

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Aah! Bender! It's a miracle! Aah! This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.

I'm 40 percent dolemite!

Fry, no! The pressure will crush you like a green snake under a sugarcane truck! Not necessarily. This is a chance for Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure pill. I can't swallow that. Well, then, good news! It's a suppository.

Oh. That's a little bright.

They won't stop until every human is dead. This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We could settle down on that mountain of skulls. Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake!

Okay, no cops, no laws, no rules. Now here are the rules. Once around both same sides of the half-twist and back to the start and finish line.

Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head? I need to tinker in it. Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry? Quiet you. I'm installing an "empathy chip."

There goes my... life.

And there's Professor Moriarty! Jack the Ripper! Evil Lincoln!

I'd love to talk to Bender, but I have no idea where he is. Well, if he's running on 12 processors, he must be someplace with a lot of power and liquid coolant. Oh, you're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself. FRY: Wait a second. Power? Liquid coolant? That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning.

I don't have time for this shazbot.

Oh, boy! It's Santa. Ho... Ho... Ho!

Are you ready to operate, Doctor? I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. That's my joke. I'll kill you! Oh!

You ruined my life! Goodbye!

Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Mmm! It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum.

Hmm... Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela. But at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her. Uh, that's me. Thanks for covering. This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated. Bingo! That's Leela.

Baby needs a new pair of shoes!

Caucasian human male.

Sir, they're headed straight for us. A well-calculated move. Straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text-- The Art of War. Or my own masterwork-- Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realize and never will is-- Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard. Then I've risked all and lost.

Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson... about changing your sex to win five gold medals. It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself. Almost done. If only somehow, some way, he and I could... drive to Vegas, pick up some floozybots...

Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?

We'd like it back. SENATOR: You may have it. I'm through with it. It has done everything and everyone imaginable. You may want to get it disinfected. Can do. (CHUCKLES)

(CRY OF PAIN) I would never shoot Bender. Never! He taught me how to shave. (ALARMS) Revision ball. By deciding not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future. I could never shoot you. Never! You taught me how to shave. See?

Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be, when it belongs to my best friend.

- That's low! - Please stop! I'm not worth it! Probably not, but I love you, and I'm gonna kick his ass till I win you back!

Don't worry. Your pal the garbage disposal's still on your side. Hey, someone dropped a shiny, diamond ring down here. Really? No! Don't! Moron!

It's been a good run, people, but this is the end.

You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list. Well, check it twice. I perform over 50 megachecks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings.

Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth. May you bounce in peace. Get the hell off my planet.

You mean we traveled through time? Doy! Some idiot must have put metal in the microwave. Yo. And the microwave radiation... combined with the gravitons and graviolis from the supernova, blasted us through time itself.

Sweet zombie Jesus!

Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. Uh, do you think you could be just a little less evil than that? I don't know. Do you think you could survive a 700-foot fall? Ah, good old Bender.

He never saw the propaganda film. It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times.

Can I do the countdown? Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff.

Well, you know how I feel. I waited for you for 1,000 years, I can wait a little longer. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) What a load a mush! I've had it. (POWER SURGING) (GASPS) He's gonna blow! Party, Bender! Party for your life!

Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame.

Remember, our mission is simple-- Destroy all aliens. Er, um... not me, sir. Oh, yes... right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.

of the mud planet Decapod 10!

(ALL LAUGHING) Fry, you're just upset because you drove Bender to suicide. Here. Take your mind off it with these soothing relaxation balls. All right. I got him all heebie-jeebied with my bathroom of horrors. One more good scare, and I'll be out of limbo.

I can't believe you're gone.

I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.

That's total trash. Total celebrity trash. My inquiring organ wants to know. If you ask me, Bender should go to Us People's office in Hollywood - and see if they'd like his Calculon pictures. (SCOFFS) I have no time for such foolishness.

Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age. I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) TRANSLATOR: I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna.

Wait, I have an idea. BENDER: Hey, what are you doing? Cut that out. Hey, you got me under control. FRY: Fry and Bender! A winning combination. BENDER: Let's call ourselves Frender. BOTH: Frender, Frender, Frender

Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!

Ooh! I gots your apologies right heres.

Now to dispose of the body. Honk, honk. Wow, sporty go-cart, Leela. So hip and sexy. Not like you at all. Do you have any gum? No.

Who are you? Scruffy, a janitor.

(GASPS) Fry did it? Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend. (WHISPERS) You. (SLAP) FRY: Ow! (SLAP) (BENDER GROANS)

Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year. No! I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up on you. Really? Your loss. Hey, Professor, you're my wingman!

I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody. Waah-waah. Baby wants a Zima.

The three co-workers I liked, all dead!

Now I'm here to avenge him! Okay, but it seems like you're the one who killed him.

Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict.

I'm just glad the nightmare is over. It'll never be over, Wendy. Even now, humans are lurking in our playgrounds our breezeways... perhaps even... our movie theaters. God help us!

I am so great. Bender is great Bender, Bender, Bender Man, where'd the time go?

Tell them I'm in the tub. To my left, you'll recognize Gary Gygax inventor of Dungeons and Dragons. Greetings. It's A... Pleasure to meet you. And our summer intern, Deep Blue the world's foremost chess-playing computer. Bishop to knight four.

(LAUGHING) Huh? (SURPRISED CRY) No! At last I'm beautiful! BENDER: Yeah, if you're into gray dust.

Here. I'll just take off my pants and give you those.

Prepare for launch. Five, four, three, two, three, four, five, six-- just fire the damn thing. Oops.

I put you through college, and this is how you repay me?

Happy New Year!

Will you at least keep this photo? Remember how Bender dumped all that pig's blood on me? You keep it. I'll remember you in here. (SNIFFLES) I wish I could remember with my boobs.

I'm all scuttled out. Wha-- My planet's embassy?

All in all, it's a fine day for an apocalypse. So you don't miss what's-her-name? Of course I do.

Ow! I need a calculator. You are a calculator. I mean, a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper-- I'm gettin' a hundred bucks a kid, and they're costin' me 110!

You want to see a picture of my boy? Sure. That's your penis. That's my boy.

I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls.

Amy's rich. She's probably got other characteristics. Bender! Romance isn't about money. Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Puh-lease. For your information, it's because he's hideous. Mmm.

(ALL CHEERING) And that's the final miner! They all made it! (SNIFFLES) Morbo is not weeping. He has a parasite in his eye. Whoo! I'm the greatest!

I anchored it with the unbreakable diamond tether. Ooh! Oh, no. This isn't good for Zoidberg. Whoo! Yeah!

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Where's all the Presidents heads, then?

This very interesting. Maybe someone look into it, many years from now. But, Chief, this means we're not trapped anymore! It's our chance to take back the outside world from those stuck-up Homo sapiens with their tools and their pants and such. My fellow big-brows! Are you with me? (CHEERING)

Well, I have studied abroad... or two.

That was a close call, but we saved Earth.

Give it to him again, Andrew! What the-- Laser-proof shirts, huh? I'll show you! Huh? Hey! Quit it!

But first, the nominees for Best New Kids' Show are... Yo Gimme Gimme, The Adventures of Pit-bull and Scaredy Squirrel, Dora the Destroyer, and Rumbledy-Hump. I hope you win, Leela.

Hey, mister, mind if I take this old van? Sure. You want to dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten used cars before.

Well, what about Leela? Is there any hope things could still work out between us? It's getting late.

sitting down with your children and hitting them? We're just so busy. Well, make time! And cut! Good enough. Splice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air.

Philip J. Fry, you stand accused... of traveling to the forbidden planet Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences. Do you understand the charges? One beep for "yes," two beeps for "no." Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty?

Simply vomit on me ever so gently while I humiliate a pheasant.

Whoa! My home! It burned down! How did this happen? That's a very good question. So, that's where I left my cigar. That just raises further questions.

Yup. It's December 31, 2999.

If I can't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will! Prepare to die! Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you want to kill them? Because I-- I-- I don't know what I'd do without them. Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life.

I want to get out of here before the mayhem starts. Mayhem? There's gonna be mayhem? I'm staying. Hoo-ee!

Brought to you by-- The Space Pope Did that make any impression on you, Fry? Fry?

Sir, you forget yourself. Shut up!

There! Now, when I'm found in a million years, people will know what the score was.

The only person I trust is myself. Help! I forgot my magnetic shoes! (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) Just stay out of my way, boy.

Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela. COMPUTER: Analyzing. Analyzing. Checking my eBay bid. (BUZZER SOUNDING) Damn it! Analysis complete. Hey, I was nuzzling that.

Fine. Yeee-oh-ho! Is that all you got? Hyah! - Come on, Walter! - Take that!

I don't care how much trouble I get in. I needed to feel my lips pressed... against your lipless beak.

Uh, this is a bit awkward. Or is it? I'm not sure. I lost track around the second robot. Well, you know how I feel. I waited for you for 1,000 years, I can wait a little longer. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) What a load a mush! I've had it.

Grunka lunka dunkity dingredient You should not ask about the secret ingredient. Okay, okay, we get the point. I was just curious because of the armed guards. Grunka lunka dunkity darmed-guards... Shut the hell up!

(ALL LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) There's nothing funny about science!

Oh, dearest, this long-distance relationship is too much to bear. When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery, so you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light-years. Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.

I took a nappie!

One half! Pull! One half! Pull!

Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile.

This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion. It's amazing the way you-- notice two things.

We can dip left slide right all night It's time to be wild Freestyle It's on and poppin' Ain't no stoppin' Us from rockin' From tonight to ten o'clock Bender, I've been to wang dang doodles all up and down the galaxy,

your keister is doing good.

Women only room!

You don't have to do this, Fry. Mr. Peppy just gave me a little love concussion.

The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on earth.

Hey, wait. You've been doing an awful lot of urinating. (GROANING) There's plenty of water. You see, after I selflessly rescued the trail mix, I braved the flames once more in search of fluids.

(RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING) (MONITOR BEEPING)

and they slide way across the room. Could you do it someplace else? I'm setting up Seymour's doggie bed. Okay. Ow! Ow! Heel, boy! Heel! Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there.

FARNSWORTH: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.

After all, I've been bending since the day I was built. I was born on an assembly line in the bad part of Tijuana. Mama. Wah! Wah! Wah!

You saved the Gemerald! Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving that the deadliest animal of all... is the Zookeeper.

Oh. How about this one?

But you'll never get over this unless you go to your parents now and tell them honestly how you feel. (SNIFFLING) You're right. I will. Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Goodbye! (WAILING)

Oh, there's gotta be a better way. Bender, you're a genius. This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty.

And during this period of head-crater interaction what were you doing? Martini drinking contest with the autopilot. I would have had him this time, but we ran out of olives. I can explain. You really think you can explain how you left port without a full complement of olives? I think not.

No. Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.

Don't feel bad, sir. It's not your fault. You probably just inherited your appearance - from your mother. What? No one insults my mama! (CREW SCREAMING) (ROARING)

No. And it's pronounced "champagne." Oh, God, no! It's not a big deal. I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand. Aw, forget it.

The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again. The characters turned real! Damn. The last time that happened, I got slapped with three paternity suits.

It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy.

Spluh, it's a video-phone.

B-e-n-d-e-r Bender! B-e-n-d-e-r Bender! Saying B... E-n... Der! Mail call!

Today is the day we fight back! It's already 10:00. Oh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day we fight back. Yeah, well, good luck, sister. All our modern technology is useless. I know I am.

All that matters is what I learned here,

Catastrophe Beach Party. Scene One. Cue disaster effects, and action! (RUMBLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Cut! That extra looked at the camera. We'll have to do it again.

Whoa! Stop! Give me the keys, Magoo!

Defeat is ours. If we can't communicate with these bone jelly ghosts, we're doomed! Professor, I have analyzed the aliens' movements with this movement analyzer.

Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all. Bender, these shots of Calculon are great. In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo. Namely, a camera. Shut up. I know it. Wait, a what's-a-whatzo? A paparazzo. You know, a celebrity photographer. But it's not for everyone. You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth,

Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it.

Ah, right, you can't hear me. Oh, I hear you loud and clear. (GASPS) You're not Granny Hester. What have you done with Granny Hester? She's naked but unharmed. And now, Bender, it's time to fulfill your end of the deal. Sorry, I'm not going to kill Fry. Take me to hell for all eternity,

Because you're idiots. Come on, Silicon Red, let's sell out. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERING) I'm the real Rodriguez Will you please stand up? He been workin' on the railroad Ladies can't get enough I made a 3-D version of my worst nightmare

I thought I killed you with the Time Button. I thought so, too, at first. But it seems I was simply rotated into an orthogonal time that runs at right angles to this one. I've been tunneling for decades, searching every instant from yesterday to tomorrow. We've been right now the whole time.

didn't raise any fools, Turanga Leela. Our only hope is to communicate with the aliens, and show them our peaceful intentions.

(GROANING) All right, step aside. Time to let my bad boys loose. I am Brrr, devourer of fish and honey!

That's my robot! I own him!

Very observant, Professor. To preserve the heads, we use a rare form of powdered crystalline opal. This is the world's entire supply. Yet it's so powerful, it should last a thousand years.

You fool! You foolish fool!

Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little? Uh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone. All right. Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

Fry. Aw, you guys came to watch me make out. That is so sweet. Wait a second. Is that the head of who I think it's of? Read the jar, Evelyn Wood. Dr. Z. Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally? Let me see.

Kill-check three is go. Also, the salad's ready. Yes! Salad! DR. ZOIDBERG: What the hell are you doing?

It's been an emotional day for me.

Strange. You haven't acted this suspicious... since I found those "ape bones" in the basement. My hip hurts. I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey. I have warranty cards to fill out. I am not just making excuses. All right! I'll go!

You know, seeing that strange robot force 12 children to do his bidding... makes me think about kids of our own. Us? Me? You? Kids? That's correct. It's time to stop living this vida bachelor loca. Settle down and have kids. Oh, Adlai.

Let's all go to the lobby. Oh... uh! I'm going to open a file of whoop-ass on you!

Hello there, chum! I understand you miss your buddy. - Have a pudding pop! - No thanks. I don't-- Who wants to go to an amusement park? Well, I guess that sounds okay. Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back. What? Really? No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.

Thank God this log is sturdy.

Have you seen this robot?

Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I-- $500 and time served. Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man.

You rotten kids! - Uh, will you be hiring? - No. You rotten kids!

I give you the next president of Earth! Nixon's back!

Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of you--

Stop exploding, you cowards!

All you need is a trusty Swiss Army knife. Ow! I'm hungry.

Snap out of it! Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. But-But won't that change history? Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

We can't shoot penguins! Isn't there some way to keep them from breeding? Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures. Surely you agree that a quick semi-painless death... is a damn sight better than weeks of starvation. Well, I suppose, but I mean,

You really don't want me to be captain anymore? You got it, genius. But didn't I do a good job? You were mean, and you yelled and you made us do all that work. Sometimes, a captain needs to do those things. Besides, I thought we were friends. Yeah, well you shouldn't have been such a mean captain, then.

Come on, Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman! And now, ignorant whale lovers, we'll see who's boss... as I make Mushu jump through this hoop. jump, Mushu!

True. Our relationship will end once she smells my odor. But you know what would really stink? If Marianne spent her whole life never knowing the beautiful scent of her own flowers. (GROANING) Dr. Zoidberg, help! Bender? What happened to your leg tube? I got beat up by a little girl.

Why did you drag me back to this mortal realm? I was enjoying a happy death, thinking I had died a star, until you showed up.

You always think you're going to disappear in space before your children. Welcome, everyone. What a pleasure to see so many miserable faces. (EXCLAIMING) Lemony! I had intended to unveil a beautiful stone memorial today. But due to the recent tragedy,

I'm sorry, Father, but somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son. Why, Antonio? Because... I have amnesia!

What kind of coffin do you want? (GRUNTS) Bender? I should have known you started this fire. Just another chance to be a hero. Well, you're not saving me. Not this time.

Remember, you don't know humans you don't work for humans and above all, you don't like humans.

But, sir, children watch this show. Bender's no role model. He's a filth monger! At our network, we love filth-- filthy rich, that is-- being filthy rich, that is!

That was a... practice miracle. Who's next?

I'm literally angry with rage!

What's the matter? You scared? N-N-- N-N-N-N-- Noticeably? I'll say. Now, stand back. I gotta practice my stabbin'. Ha-haa! Ha-ha-ha. Ha-haa! No! Please! Help! Stop it! Police!

Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away. Spleesh! Mel out, Bender. Come watch some TV. I can't. I'm stuck in the can.

we can use the cards to buy gum then immediately quit the army, right? You know, playing you all for chumps? Correct. There's no obligation. Unless of course... war were declared. What's that? War were declared.

(GROANING) I don't feel well.

Just stick to the script.

(BULLETS STRIKING RHYTHMICALLY) That'll do it! Ow! Ow! Ow! (GRUNTS)

(ALL GASP) I probably gave it to you!

Shh! What was that sound? It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this. Aw, they're so cute when they're scared. I meant the sound Bigfoot just made. He's been sighted a lot in this area recently. just last week, a blind hiker felt him. Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot,

Oh, nothing sordid, I assure you.

the Earth messengers have arrived... bearing a peace offering from their weak and fearful government. Oh, very well. This is a "joey heavy" episode anyway. I am lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

(GRUNTING AND GROANING) I love you, Bender! Somebody hand me a bolt cutter. Hey, dip-schlitz, that's not me. I'm right here. Hello? Pay attention to me! Why can't anybody hear my witty remarks?

But your bureaucratic license will be revoked if you fail to sort the master in-pile by closing time. 1:00 p.m. That's only four minutes from now. Requisition me a beat.

Welcome aboard. Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah! I've been reviewing your corporate records. Regarding last Monday's delivery why did it take twice as long as scheduled? Fry got his head stuck in a crater. I thought it would fit.

Stop! It's driving me sane! Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.

1-0-1-0-0-1-1-0-1-0?!

Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson, star of the hit film, Bravehead. Do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera, All My Circuits? Oh, I am! Me! Bender is!

Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela. But at the same time I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her. Uh, that's me. Thanks for covering.

Whoo! And try this, kids at home!

If I was going to do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list. Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me. Edna?

Stop! We'll leave.

In fact, forget the park.

She even let me sit on her lap and steer... in this comic I drew. Ooh, the new one's out. Fry, the title of captain may inflate the human ego, but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic. Now, look spry, men! We launch at six bells.

Fry! What you doing here? I'm here to rescue Amy from her robosexual desires. If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? Look at all that awkward winking. It must be love.

You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with the super-dense substance known as dark matter each pound of which weighs over 10,000 pounds.

What'll you folks have today? I'll have the soylent green... with a slice of soylent orange and some soylent coleslaw. Pardon? It's the 20th century, Professor. Oh, right. I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills and a stein of mead.

Deviled egg? The same deviled egg.

ZAPP: Mind if I appear?

Remember me! Remember me! Remember me!

In a future year that ends with a 20 A shlubby merman's gonna try to get chummy He may look like a watery wimp When in fact he's a bloodthirsty shrimp In the year one million and a half

What fevered dream is this that bids to tear this company in twain?

Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox studios. Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes. Neat.

It's true. Maybe we can do better for her.

Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's a little "meteor." This is weak. Address all complaints to the Monsanto Corporation.

What was that? Oh, dear. I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again.

And you are outta here!

I warn you, if I have to get cute, it's gonna get ugly.

All rise for the Honorable Judge 723. Be seated. Organized crime is a plague on our society, and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during... All rise for the Honorable Judge 724.

Oh, Lord, he's made of wood. What now, Bender?

DNA and career chip, please. Erwin Schrodinger, huh?

Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much. Well, see ya. Interesting. The trousers conceal a tiny secondary horn. - Hey, what have you heard? - Guards, seize him! Prepare to harvest the lower horn.

(CLAPPING) Hi, kids. What book would you like me to read first? We don't got books no more. What? He means "anymore." Look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books. Just make something up.

Put it up on the Zenith. Oh, God! WELLES: Earth is conquered, the destruction of civilization complete. Now stay tuned for Little Orphan Annie. To hell with Little Orphan Annie! We've got to do something.

I don't have time for this shazbot. You're getting heroed, whether you like it or...

And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?

Yes. It's-- It's-- No! I can't do this! Oh, my God!

Look, friends. I accidentally learned to tap dance. (FRY PLAYING TROMBONE) Zoidberg, I'm trying to...

I've not seen a spectacle of this nature in all my years impersonating a sportscaster. It sure was some fight. Interesting side note: As a head without a body, I envy the dead. No argument here.

Be happy Don't worry, now, Amy. Okay. I'm happy! Take us home, Bender! Ah, don't worry

Now, quit scratching your axe hole and get out there.

We'll miss you, Daddy Bender. We know robots don't have emotions, but... we drawed you this picture. So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit, you can look at it. Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. Sheesh!

Hey, buddy. Heard you needed cheering up. Well, old Bender will make you laugh. Look at me, look Be-da-bah-boo, de-da-be-bah-boom...

Okay, that's a good point. Fry's right! Let's kill the captain and order some strippers! Yeah, what he said. It's a mutiny led by Fry!

Come on. Say "Mama." Caca. Okay, we'll have to bleep that. Look, I'm not saying eating meat is wrong. Shut up. I don't think anyone's here to make that claim. I am. But eating an intelligent animal is different. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Oh, don't force your tired philosophy on us. I mean, the only reason we don't eat people is because it tastes lousy.

Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these while he's gone. Moron!

This will be my chance to reason with him captain to captain. And he wants you to wear this. Come and get it. Welcome to my humble chamber or as I call it the love-nasium. Cham-pag-en?

That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are-- you wil