You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. So I boarded you, huh? Uh, what happened next? You started this stupid court-martial! Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting Melllvar.
Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold to the being of inconceivable horror.
August 6, 1991.
Never! One spoonful to calm me down. Okay. I got a pretty good "calm" going. Two spoonfuls to help me sleep.
to be invisible in a chocolate factory... and to be romantically linked with a celebrity. I could pound your head till you think that's what happened. Okay. Wait. Hold on. It is actually possible to meet any celebrity you want. It is? Of course. You should read a blimp sometime. "Download a celebrity from the Internet."
Ah. So it's less painful than regular tattoo removal. Nobody said that.
Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. (CHUCKLING WEAKLY) He's good. Tonight we have a new resident here in the Hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo Farnsworth.
I'll avenge your death, son!
You're thinking of the kid. My God, Bender, framing an orphan. That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now. Mm, framing... I...N...G... an...
Surprise! - Amy, what are you doing here? - I forgot to give you something before you left. Oh. What? Is that your camouflage reflex... or are you just happy to see me?
I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat. Second.
So now my character has a British accent? No. Now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move.
Your holographic-simulated evil Lincoln is back!
world leaders became threatened by the movement's power. And so the Trekkies were executed... in the manner most befitting virgins. Whoa! He's dead, Jim. He's dead, Jim. He's dead, Jim. Finally, the sacred texts were banned.
The fossil only has a chance because it's made of dolemite. I'm 40 percent dolemite! Oh, it's hot. Oh, it's very hot.
Especially after I made a complete eel out of myself. No biggie. Yes, biggie. I learned to feel things I've never felt before-- Love, jealousy, passion for disemboweling. I owe it all to you. There. I pronounce the operation a success.
No!
Ah! Oh! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah-ooh! All right, Liu,
He's going to blow! Aha. Yah!
All I have in the world is this coupon for one free session at the tanning salon. Oh, John, that's really all you have? Then, I'll take it. (MOANING)
The nominees are Gene Tinker, Charles Kiley, Mike Pisarik, and Philip J. Fry. And the Clippie goes to... (STRAINING) Philip J. Fry! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Love Mom! Love Mom! Love Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERING) I'm the real Rodriguez Will you please stand up? He been workin' on the railroad Ladies can't get enough I made a 3-D version of my worst nightmare Sucker tried to stop the printer and I found him there Went 187 on his robot ass
(SOBBING) Poor Leela. I never even told her I loved her.
He stole my clover, he stole my name, and he stole my life. And now he broke my hand! His legend lives on!
Ah! Your mama's so ugly!
Okay, we'll tell them the professor escaped, and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old man. I'm on it. My God! The illusion is so perfect. I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot. Now, they may ask for a DNA sample. I'd like to see them find it.
No. No? No! No!
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) (WHISPERING)
but up here, I'm above the law.
And you smell like one, too.
Your task is nearly completed. Don't let down Pharaoh now.
ALL: Aw... Now that's the God I know.
Bow before your master, puny mortals!
You see, Chapek 9 was colonized centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. Oh, so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a "radical."
My God, he's like some kind of believable Hulk. No time for an injection. (ROARING)
What's next, gay robosexual marriage? (ALL CHEERING) We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else! (WHOOPS) Yeah... Monogamous?
This doesn't make any sense. I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.
Enough good ones, everyone. We have a delivery to an alien space giant. You'll have to be respectful. This customer is 50-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance. Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humungous acne cream, aww, and one regular-sized condom.
Okay, take a deep breath.
I don't even know who this guy is. I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
That's byte with a "Y." (LAUGHS) Whatever you say, mon. Due to the lens' remarkable quark lattice structure, it should be capable of unthinkable magnification. Come, follow me to the lab. (VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYING) Hey, I'm gonna try that. So long, meat-bags.
Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir. Ah, thank you, golf slave. Huh! Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense! Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.
Here, we can cover ourselves with these sticky, sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery. You will? What's the point? You'll have to look sooner or later. Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege. For now, I'd better scout around for food and water and help. What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say.
No, thanks, Dad. I'd rather make out with my Monroebot.
Because... my stomach is about to explode.
Pharaoh Hamenthotep approaches! Ohh!
No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor. He-- Help! Help! He is a battle-droid!
May I remind you, you are still under oath. Yes. Please point out the person in this courtroom you had sex with. Whoo!
(YELLS) Leggo my eggo, crabbo! Stop it, Fry. That's sexual harassment!
What the hell happened? Some breaking occurred. The dolly was involved. That's about all we know. I told you dumb apes not to overload it. Each of those pillows weighs 150 pounds here. All right, don't get your panties in a knot. We'll just use the backup dolly. I'll start loading up the pillows. No way, jack.
She'll be coming around the mountain She'll be coming around the mountain, she'll be-- Ah, dang it.
I'm running late, and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is, Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
the beautiful, affordable stars. (GASPS) You mean, when you disappeared up on the comet...
Now let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where's Billy? Farewell. The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens.
Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my... or someone else's imagination? No. Get out. Next?
Destroy all robots! Destroy all robots! Poor Bender. Be brave, my friend.
ALL: Yeah! Legalize it! If you hate intolerance and being punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity!
I hope that, in time, you'll realize what an idiot you've been. I wouldn't count on that.
ROSE MARY: Oh, you know we do. Time for Dickie to get tricky. (MUSIC PLAYS) G.I. Zapp! G.I. Zapp! G.I. Zapp!
Oh! My God, the real Santa! Get him, Jesus! I help those who help themselves! Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me.
Yeah. But it's impossible. Moving stars would require one bad-ass gravity pump. And we'd need all the money on Earth to build-- What the-- What? There's the funding for your gravity pump. But it damn well better work. We can't spend all of Earth's money every day.
(WAILING) Oh, God, I hated that place. My parents kept me there for years. So when I finally ran away, I vowed never to speak to them again! That's a really sad and long story, Professor. But you'll never get over this unless you go to your parents now and tell them honestly how you feel.
I'll miss you, buddy. You've been like a brother, and then a sister, to me. And now you're getting married. I love you, man.
Not a chance.
Mr. Mayor, if you want to see the real vampire, look in the mirror.
Then good luck, sister.
I'm really nervous. Robot House!
What do you want? just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence or service you sexually or mop the floors.
You fools, you stupid, life-prolonging fools. I asked Zoidberg to kill me. What you talking about, Professor? What? Professor, have you gone mad? Probably. It's one of the symptoms of Tritonian hyper-malaria.
Let's see if this actually works. Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah! My face! My face too! May i? Hyah! Excellent. Excellent.
Aw, forget it. Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all, you're completely alone. It comes with the job. I'm just so lonely! Oh, come on. Cheer up.
(SCREAMING) Incoming! Thanks, Colonel.
Kill the fox. (GRUNTING)
Good! That's real good. Okay, everybody switch demons. No point in staying with just one demon.
I don't get it, iZac. That bracelet had a diamond the size of a raccoon's brain. Why couldn't I steal it?
As country after country fell under its influence, world leaders became threatened by the movement's power. And so the Trekkies were executed... in the manner most befitting virgins. Whoa! He's dead, Jim. He's dead, Jim. He's dead, Jim.
Still good. TRAVERS: With the working class gone, robots were forced to do all the menial labor.
Bedsores hurt! Then what am I supposed to do? Fight it! I can't! You can. The Leela I know doesn't give up this easily. Okay. I'll try. Ugh! Go away! Ooh!
Whoa, that gives me a headache.
Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day! Huh? Oh! We are just as good as any of those other crews you sent to their deaths.
Yo, there's dog fur on my slice! Nah, that's vermicelli. No fur in here.
And now, even as he nears his 150th birthday, the professor retains the fiery passion of youth. Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.
What? We're goin' back to civilization... to wage war on technology! What?
That's 2,046 total Benders we need to destroy. Wait, does that include me? (GROANING) Too bad he didn't have his own Bible. Just 2,045 more to go.
And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills? (MEOWS) At Brown University, the nation's premiere institution of lower learning.
We favor unreasonably huge subsidies to the brain slug planet. Okay, but what are the brain slugs who control you going to do for the working man? Attach brain slugs to them. Sure, you say that now.
Uh, what subject is this? Ancient Egyptian Algebra. What a nightmare! Mr. Fry, are those your underpants? Young man, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs.
I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been! Prove it! (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
The big brain am winning again! I am the "greetest"!
The professie will help. Fire indeed hot!
Fifty-six? Fifty-six? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you-- you no good fifty-six-ing--
Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out. just like at the movie theater. Whoo!
no one else take my place you need me, you do forever and ever we are baby love child I'll take you so high groovy love child
Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape. Crazy sucker.
Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls.
That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a route with some chest hair.
Oh, I think I got whiplash. You can't have whiplash. You don't have a neck. I meant ass whiplash.
- Ow! - Mommy! Mommy! - Santa's through the perimeter! - This is it, kids! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer! No! Wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys, at very reasonable prices. Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks. But I come bearing Tri-Ominos. Go for the shins!
Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much, already! Help!
Please, just leave me alone.
(SNEEZES) Sorry.
Okay, Beelzy, Fry's dead. A ghost! Oh, it's you. A deal's a deal, so give me my body back. Fry's dead, you say? Funny, that's not what it says on his Wikipedia page. Survived a heart attack?
What's with the eye? I'm an alien, all right? Let's drop the subject.
Safe and sound. Finally, I can continue to exist. Three, two, one.
Hello! Pizza delivery!
I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you. You know, I guess it should be but actually I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.
I'd better take my pills. Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me,
Shut the hell up! Ow!
I'm the world's greatest firefighter!
"Captain, I wope he will welp our vessel." Wessel! You're not acting hard enough! Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill... because I respected him so much. And when I directed Star Trek V,
Great. He's whacked out on electricity again. No, I'm whacked out on life.
How 'bout in the porno theater?
to be.
Crepes, flatbread, McDonald's hamburgers. You get the idea. Yum! Apples!
Sir, I call upon you not as a president, but as a father! Cut! Cut! Cut it! Would you show a little emotion? People. People. Please. just because it's a dramatic scene...
So... it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable.
Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential to the process. No kidding, Ford.
No. Ah! The gang's all here. Who are you? Scruffy, the janitor. I've never seen you before.
Put the dice away before I take them away.
Yes, we killed them. You guessed the truth. Aah! Because of you, I'll never know my parents! I'll kill you! That would be best.
I do love inconveniencing the underclass. Well, we'll be on our way after we dig through your trash for aluminum.
What the-- I fInd that offensive!
Yuck! That's the least appetizing calzone I've ever seen.
You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything... unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!
Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here. We can avoid humanity's mistakes. Like the tuba. Yes! We'll be like Adam and Eve. Only without the tuba.
(ROOSTER CROWING) (ALL YAWNING)
Maybe you can't understand this but I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends-- it's things. I'm a thing. just leave me alone. Fry, please. My ponytail's caught in the door.
Futurama is brought to you by Arachno Spores, the fatal spore with the funny name.
Come to think of it, I rest may case. Thank you, prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence. Hey, wait a minute. Isn't anyone going to defend us? Yeah. I mean, he may not have a case but I'm genuinely not a human.
Conquer Earth, you bastards! Conquer Earth, us bastards! Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression.
Honey unit, I'm home. Monique! Calculon! Oh, how I wish I could believe that.
Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold to the being of inconceivable horror.
Also, one month, my toilet broke and I just went straight in the garbage can. Aw!
We're back, baby! (ALL CHEERING) It's been an emotional five minutes, but I guess everything worked out in the end.
Help. You got any food? Old tea bags, chewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're starving here! But you live in a gingerbread house. It's food or shelter, not both. You lazy runts. Don't you get paid for making the toys?
Setting Bachman Turners to Overdrive. We're getting pretty deep. Look! Mole coffins.
You stink, loser. LEELA: Hey, Fry! Pizza going out! Come on! All right. I'll take the Red Rocket. (FRUSTRATED CRY)
Hello! Pizza delivery for, uh, "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. Here's to another lousy millennium. Five, four, three, two--
What are you, an ass-kissing machine?
Ah! She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro. She's out of control! You win again, gravity.
I recently upgraded my funk card. Come on! All right! Come on, now! What's new? Huh?
It's a beautiful world Ooh! (LAUGHING) It's a beautiful world It's a beautiful world For you (ALL GASPING) For you For you
You can't dump Fry! That's my job! (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Hurry! Only two minutes until midnight! (MUZAK PLAYING) (GROANS) That music! That horrible, agonizing music! - Is that the tune, Fry? - No.
But you promised us way-back ice cream. Here. But no chocolate, it's bedtime.
C'mon y'all and sing it with me 'Bot wash Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa 'Bot wash, yeah Hmm? Bot wash, yeah Oh...
What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die! I know, right? I'd murder him good, if only I was still alive.
There is no target consumer, only targets-- targets that will tremble in fear... as their new masters hand down edicts in my glorious, booming voice! Now, quit pestering me, you confounded scoundrels!
Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy. Bam. Ugh. Kif. Yes-- Ugh. Yes, Captain? I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
as long as they interlock with yours. Ah, marriage. It combines the contentedness of being neutered, with the occasional sex of being not. (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) Well, I best mosey on down to the landing. Sounds like the Feldspar Queen is about to set sail.
I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way, it's not environmentalism. Oh, really? How 'bout blowin' up dams? Yeah, that is fun. Let's "conservate."
Did somebody say monsters? (LAUGHING) This will make a great episode. But talk slower, I can't type that fast. Well, well, well. (GASPING) You didn't make up that TV show.
Clamps, Bella, get in the way-back. (BELL TINKLING)
And just as I was beginning to lose interest. Jombee, the chocolate icing. Oh! Oh my, yes. Ooh! My hands.
Hamboned. Freeze, scuzzbot! Uh, there's obviously been some sort of a mistake here. I'm sure there's-- I say, I'm sure there's-- That is, I'm sure there's...
It wasn't long ago our people were happy and prosperous but the eyeless Mole People of sub-terra Three grew jealous of our visual prowess. They Fired missiles in all directions hoping to hit Cyclopia. Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets hit was ours.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's just your body. Hey, you look me in the shins and say that. Hey, I've had it up to here with this place. I'm off to the head museum to hang out with classy heads like me who appreciate the finer things: poetry, philosophy, hats.
Is there any hope things could still work out between us? It's getting late. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create. Better cover your nads. It may get a little non-Newtonian in here.
The other place had a lot of good things, too! Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Why, you! Oh, no, you didn't. (ALL GRUNTING) Stop! Somewhere, sometime, Leela is waiting for me. We need to keep looking for a backwards time machine. Fry's right.
It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago? Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away so the electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see-- Magic. Got it.
I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl. You punch me, I go down she swoons... you slip me 50 bucks. 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her.
I'd likes to say a few words.
Ah. So quiet, so peaceful. Time to lower my guard even for a minute. (SCREAMS) Ow! (HEART POUNDING) Heart attack.
Michelle, baby, where you going?
Seymour!
I think a motel room might be in order. Leela, here's $40. Mom, don't do this. Zapp is a selfish, womanizing idiot. There's no need to call me names, Leela. Just call me, "Daddy." (SCREAMS)
Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks. But they make fun women's basketball. What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals... make up for their inability to dunk? - Yes. They still laugh. - The men must die!
Friends, I found $10. You found some money? Show me. Ah...
Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box,
They're so cold! And yet hell is so hot! Can I have my hands back now? No! You're not nice!
Oh. Thanks, moderate spender. Please select erotic transaction. Yeah. How about a lap dance for my pal here? Ooh, yeah. Chuck-a-Chong. Uh, no, no, that's all right, really. I-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
I got my eye on you, boy. Don't even think about it, lunch pail. You'll be dead before you hit the ground. Good point. What do you say we just hit a strip joint? I was waiting for one of us to say that. Whoo-hoo! Yea!
(GASPS) They turned into petroleum oil. I thought they were selfish, yet in the end, it turns out it was I who thought they were selfish.
Another Yeti? Yes, the same jerk that once noshed on me like a shrimp toast. Now who's getting his pineal gland extracted? (GRUNTS) Yes, this contains a concentrated form of the Yeti neurotoxin. But that's what gave him Yeti-ism in the first place.
Yes, I did, Leels, and I'll tell you why.
Amy? Where'd she learn to operate the controls like that? Not the magnet. No! No! No! Uh-oh.
Snake door. Roger. (SIGHS) You can't reject Leela! Give her a badge, you stupid box! Male, filthy hand, violent temper. Accepted again! No!
You're my best friend, Fry. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Apology accepted. After all, you're only human.
Aah! Damn you! Doh!
All right, Beelzebot.
This planet is completely uninhabited? No. It's inhabited by robots. Oh, kind of like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
What are you? Deaf? Whoo! Whoo! (BOTH SNORING) (CHIRPING) (SNORTS)
I'm so glad we could admit Amy in exchange for your generous contribution.
Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards. Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault. I am so great. Bender is great Bender, Bender, Bender Man, where'd the time go?
Hey, there's my little space heater.
It's you! Hey, buddy! My Manwich!
You bastard! They treated me like an animal! And that's what I became!
I think I'm coming down with circus-itis.
Bender, would you do the honors? With gusto.
(SCREAMS) He's dead! Wait. What are these strings on his lap? What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat! So, I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? Bad kitty!
Shut the hell up!
Whew! Whew!
Move your freaking hoof, you goat!
Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed... Computation complete. Not guilty!
Got you! Sucker!
That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice-versa.
There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
Let's call him "Clamps." Clamps? That's my name, you numskull! Don't make me clamp you one! How about Blotto? It's gritty, it's got street-cred Plus, I can keep my monogrammed slippers. Good thinking. Hey! Now, this score ain't gonna be no cakewalk in the tea park, all right? There may be some death-killing.
Good news! There's a report on TV with some very bad news.
No!!
Prepare for liftoff. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left. Yeah, I'll do it when we get back. Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
I'm Philip J. Fry! He stole my name after I got frozen! Shut up, friends! My Internet browser heard us saying the word "Fry"... and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday... and ordered me some French fries.
You've all been very naughty, very naughty, indeed-- Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you. A pogo stick.
Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wow. Leela, my love, will you... (SCREAMS) I'll have what she's having.
So are you gonna fertilize my eggs now? Already taken care of. Well, we swam away and then we came back. It's been an interesting life. And the best part is, it had a happy ending.
Nothing will go wrong. If something goes wrong bring back the blood.
and that means I've got him right by his little... Ding-dong. I'm saying "ding-dong" 'cause you don't have a doorbell. Hey, pigs. (SNORTS) We're looking for a Cubert J. Farnsworth. You're porkin' at him. You're under arrest for felony violation of the MomCorp license agreement.
We all need a new angle on life Bender, you've gotta help us. I try to get out, but they keep pullin' me back in! Wangle a new dangle on life No, Bender! The other way! I like him better this way. I'm sad now.
- Hee-ya! - Ow! (GRUNTING) Help, I'm being mugged! (BOTH SNIGGERING)
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) My clamps! Why, Zoidberg, why? Because our friend Francis here, is in reality a bad murderer. Yup. He was fixin' to kill me. This here crawdad done saved my life!
Are you the cryogenicist who called about our son's dog? Ohh. You must be the Frys. Yeah, he's right over there. Sorry we're late. We all got sick from eating bad bologna. Y2K.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Michelle, baby, where you going? It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk!
Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? Shut the hell up!
we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean every now and then. just like Daddy puts in his "dwink" every morning. And then he gets mad.
Hurry! I don't want to die at the age of 25! Honey, unless we hit a time warp I wouldn't worry about it. It's too low! Quick!
Hey, which crazy thing happening are you guys screaming about?
What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness? I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
Well, I don't remember much, but I feel fine. Oh, my God! Amy's mirror got a tattoo! Luckily, we're prepared for this eventuality. What's that? A tattoo removal laser? (LAUGHS) Hermes, you and your preposterous sci fi nonsense.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Says you. I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life. But, Bender, isn't a robot life worth ever so much more than a human life? Of course not. What idiot thinks that? You. (GASPS) You're using my own words against me. Go to hell!
Fry!
maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning. And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills?
Final boarding call for flight 406 nonstop service to pain. Now boarding stand-by passengers--
Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great-great- great-great-great-great- great-great-great- great-great nephew. That's great. What's the little guy's name? Professor Hubert Farnsworth. Ew.
You're under a lot of guilt stress, Leela. Here, work it out. I am not under stress, damn it! Everything's going to be all right, Leela. What? I said, everything's going to be all right. Uh-- Uh, maybe I am freakin' out a little.
Which way, Fry? Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through... that pipe. Don't worry, it gets wider after about a mile. Idiot. Idiot.
Mind if we sit with you? Uh, hey. Why the hell would I? We're all guys here. Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys. Good point. I guess. You're my kind of soldier, Lemon-- A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-belly pile of ugly muscle.
Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away.
Hey, hold on a second. I forgot to deliver the package. Whoa! Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts! Hooray for the humans!
(HEART POUNDING) Heart attack.
How do I get out of limbo?
I would sooner die, I would. - Father! The ledge! - Oy!
Don't you ever stop to think before you speak? I never stop to think about it. Leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty. You a big dummy! Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart. You can barely remember your own name, Einstein. Einstein is a hard name to remember.
Robo-Puppy commencing cheek licking. Licking in progress. Licking complete. Robo-Puppy truly is robot's best friend, heh? Ah! There. Perfect. Good news, everyone. The Clone-O-Mat is ready.
This is wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment. In another city, we could be anyone we want! Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.
This is where you live? I thought you were a big-shot Hollywood movie star. No, I'm not. I am an even bigger liar than you. My career went down the tubes the day they invented Smell-A-Vision. Calculon's gonna kill us for sure, and it's all everybody else's fault.
That is some freaky bug-on-bug action. I feel a little left out.
Man, all this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty.
When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town With a foot and a half of water Everyone was all right, but I cried all night it blew my alphabet blocks out of order And they said this boy's born to be a bureaucrat Born to be all obsessive and snotty I made my friends and relations File long applications
If I can be just a little better than him, I can slink away with my head held high. It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat. And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt. It's even a crummy hologram. I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. Hank Aaron XXIV.
All hail Femputer! All hail Femputer!
Sweet zombie Jesus! Like it's not hard enough to make a freakin' TV show for under 50 bucks.
Thanks, sucker. (LAUGHS) You're the sucker, sucker. See, with all Salmonella and me been through, her sound is unique. All your fancy technology will never be able to copy this guitar. Using my fancy technology, I can make an exact copy of this guitar. Tell me, Dr. Beeler. Will I need to threaten you? Not at all.
My good name is ruined! Hi. I'm Jerry. I like movies.
Well, Fry, or should I say... Captain Fry? No, I shouldn't, because Bender is the new captain.
Are there any left? There may be one.
Neat! This is great! My buddy's alive, and his credit cards are valid again! Let's go get hammered! I should warn you-- I'm a mean drunk. Fry, I'm so glad I didn't kill you. Me too. Feeling responsible for your death was driving me mad.
Is this angry yelling or busted hearing-aid yelling? I'm afraid it's both. What?
who commits crimes aided by a pack of highly trained animals. Pack of highly. Got it. His crew includes a badger with a troubled past and nothing left to lose, an elephant who never forgets... to kill, and a seldom-used crab named lucky, a.k.a., Citizen Snips.
Maybe you could do more reps with less weight. Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming out of his shell. Get it? He's coming out of...
Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine, but... Okay, I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the... Whoa! My card!
False hope. I love it.
Tangled-up Christmas lights. We can take shifts untangling them. And unlabeled booze. Wide-mouthed too!
Nice try, flame bag, but now you're trapped here with me for the next billion years. I've saved the entire world! And no one will ever know. (SNIFFLING) (TEAR CLINKS)
My best years are behind me-- so much left undone, so little time.
Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty. Sounds like a party. Goodbye.
Whoa. A real-live robot. Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.
I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you? We'll meet your roommate next, shall we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.
Santa's right. We need some sort of robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.
Is it true that stem cells may fight the aging process? Well, yes, in the same way an infant may fight Muhammad Ali, but-- One pound of stem cells, please!
Mmm, this is great! How do you make the crust so fizzy? Ah, ah, ah! Ancient Signoid secret. My husband. Some hotshot! Here's his ancient Signoid secret. Live hornets. We smoosh them right into dough. Look, I don't care if there's horse manure in it. That's-a good.
And so, when Captain Leela panicked-- perhaps distracted by female troubles-- my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day. Captain Leela is this rambling story of magic and heroism true? Well, actually... That-a-girl! If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain.
Let me see those glasses. Uh... uh... Oh, my various gods, X-ray specs! Guys, uh, I swear those are prescription. I need them for reading stuff... on the other side of stuff. You cheater. Break his neck!
Shut up and take my money!
BENDER: The year 10,000. FARNSWORTH: Whoopsie.
No! Get away from there.
Interesting. Apparently, the key difference between our universes... is that coin flips have opposite outcomes.
I hope it's a lager, so I can take it to a ball game. Whoo! I felt that one!
It's a big decision, G. Are you ready to get a gang tattoo that will mark you as a stone cold thug for life? I'm ready. I'll take that big purple dinosaur, please. On the face. (ENGINE REVVING) Oh, snap! It's our rival gang! We have a rival gang? I hate them! Hit the deck!
Did anyone else see that? Unbelievable! It's a second big bang!
Bender, how could you flush Nibbler down the toilet? Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance. Am I right, men? Aren't you upset at all? How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
(GAS HISSING) There. Who needs teamwork when you got Bender? (SCREAMS) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Help! My gyroscope melted! I'm out of control! (BOTH SCREAMING)
Wow. Your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him? Well, fairly hard.
After Star Trek, he became an actor. Not just an actor but a well-rounded person... with my own friends and credit cards and keys. Well, I... guess I could move out of my parents' basement. Maybe get a temp job. Whoa, whoa. One step at a time. I thank you, Fry.
I can't spell anything with these cards.
Yuck! I don't wants no $3 hooker.
Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor! Yo, it is on! Before that, it was off. Twice around Central Park. Loser has to make the winner's Medicare copayments for a year! A'ight. On three. One...
Sounds like fun on a bun! COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Deleted. (GROANS) Fry, can we talk about our relationship? Of course. Our relationship is the best thing in my life, so I'm sure I'll enjoy talking about it with you.
So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God! Oh, how could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, geez, he's a dumb gross gorilla. That's enough.
Incredible!
Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.
Bertha, no! It would kill you! I have not so much time left anyhow. But you could get a new body! You could have a rich, full life! I am trying to have a rich, full life!
fry, throw in the towel. For God sakes, Fry! That's exactly what I was thinking.
But-But won't that change history?
And that's as low as limbo sticks get.
I know, but I just missed Nibbler so much. He was so cute. He was so sweet. Yuck. This emotional display is making me nauseous. Or maybe it's whatever that is.
You were in a zoo!
We're too heavy! You guys need to lose some weight. Fast! Fish.
That heavenly stench. More. There aren't anymore, and there never will be. More! More! More! More!
"Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!"
Very well. Let us anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
Uh, Leela, Armando and I are going to the backseat of his car for coffee. You going to be all right here by yourself?
Daddy Bender, I want a piggyback ride!
I'd better use my special robot vision to see what's inside. It looks like a pair of clamps. (SQUEAKING)
Hey, Stephen Hawking. Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity? Sure, why not? Let me ask you something. Has anyone ever discovered a hole in nothing with monsters in it? 'Cause if I'm the first I want them to call it a Fry Hole. There is nothing to be concerned about. I must go. There is much to do.
Young man... you have the bravery of a hero and breath as fresh as a summer ham. What? What is funny?
Floater in the bowl! Red ball. Homicide! Woo! Suspect, male, 6'1". Distinctive mustard stain on his forehead. My kajigger! Victim, Hattie McDoogal.
A dangerous villain known as the Zookeeper, who commits crimes aided by a pack of highly trained animals. Pack of highly. Got it.
For insurance money? Yes. Revenge? You bet. To give an autumn night that crisp chestnutty smell? Absolutely. But not for fame, women or thrills. Hey, guys, it's me, Bender. The famous, sexy, thrilling hero. So now that we're a firehouse, we should make some firehouse chili.
This is the least scientific thing I've ever seen. You be quiet! Now it's a simple matter of reverse-installing Calculon's operating system. Amy, play this installation disk backwards.
Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonizing pain?
Wait, give me a chance to defend your honor and then sully it on the couch.
Okay. We got the hot tub hot, the wine coolers cool. It's "Hammer" time! You suck!
Hallelujah. I'm here to conduct the exorcism and avail myself of the buffet. Can I get an amen and a goodly helping of Scruffy's famous corn biscuits? Right away, Reverend.
I just can't please Leela no matter what I do. I just want her to like me. Well, there's always hope. Come on. We gotta go fix the plasma-fusion boiler.
I'll make a space experiment about the common cold. Where's that contest flyer? You're holding it, genius. Oh, good. I feel awful, but it was worth it to catch and kill this baby fish. Shmeez, what's with the shmiffling?
I proudly, yet angrily, present you...
It was awful. I tried helping them. I tried not helping them. But in the end, I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong? Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.
I had a few beers, but I'm cool to drive.
Bite my shiny metal ax!
You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
who I miss every day. I love you, Philip, and I always will. "Here lies Philip J. Fry,
COMPUTER: Analyzing. Analyzing. Checking my eBay bid. (BUZZER SOUNDING) Damn it! Analysis complete. Hey, I was nuzzling that. COMPUTER: Attributes transferred. Shoe size 12. Et cetera.
"You there," for his decades of service I leave a pittance to be paid in 20 equal installments of 1/20th of a pittance each. To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy who never learned the value of a dollar I leave my entire $10 million fortune.
Why is there so little traffic around Earth? And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before. Hmm? Such noises! Oh, no! There's no global positioning signal. Navigation is failing! We're gonna crash! Not if I can help it. Oh. I guess I can't.
They were always "too tired." Oh, what awful parents! Come closer. I'll tell you the whole story. Tell you what. Let's get an opaque bubble layer going. Okay, go. It all started a century and a half ago.
Stop the end-of-the-world sex. We might survive after all. (BOTH GROAN) All right, Amy, what's so important that you interrupted my embalming?
News, everyone! Today you're going to Osiris Four... to deliver this enormous sandstone block. I thought something looked different in here.
Aw. She sounds sweet.
Me... feel... a bit better in cognitive faculties. I did it! And it's all thanks to the books at my local library.
(EXPLOSION)
Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch of actors, while you, a crew of genuine space heroes, risked your lives to save them. Hey, we've done heroic things too. Yeah. In the third season, I kissed Shatner. Silence! My whole world has turned upside down. I have but one option. Keep them and let us go?
I'm not a robot.
We still have one problem though. This robot will never meet emission standards. Crap Spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot... and classify it as a light truck. Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the team. What a fool I was!
Anyhow, you've lowered my self-esteem a bit more, but I'm sincerely grateful you came all this way to deliver my fungus chisel. Don't feel bad, sir. It's not your fault. You probably just inherited your appearance - from your mother. What? No one insults my mama! (CREW SCREAMING) (ROARING)
A letter from Bender, my good friend. "Dear Dr. jerkberg "If you're reading this, I'm already dead.
Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin. Stop it. Stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you!
Hey, Kwanzabot. Where are you off to? You didn't hear about it? Chanukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith. You comin'? Word. By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation... for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice. Oooh!
Duh! We know someone who runs on pure cool fuel. Bender! Whoa! We'll rob Bender! TV gave us the idea! You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.
It's only been 23 minutes. Well, uh, I've got 33 minutes. It's only been 23 minutes, you dumb cannoli. You got a problem? We can take it outside. Okay, I'll fight the box. I think I can take him. Fry, just pay me. I still owe 30 bucks on this uniform.
I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways... by force! What? We're goin' back to civilization... to wage war on technology!
(WAILING)
Then eat it. So, uh, what's this big score anyway? We're heisting a shipment of zuban cigars. Zubans?! Those are the finest cigars in the universe. I can stink up a whole maternity ward with one of those things. Yo, there's our pigeon now. Let's shoot bullets out of our guns.
You be quiet! Now it's a simple matter of reverse-installing Calculon's operating system.
Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him. Although he is completely right. We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay.
Madam, I am in command now. Such a man. I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.
My ebony splendor? Me don't think so. I said hand it over. I'm hungry! (ALL EXCLAIMING) For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy? You calling me crazy? Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain?
This was the storage room. My dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter. And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war. What a waste. This is it. My Ronco Record Vault. I still remember the combination. Three.
(ALL PANTING) I've got navigation. We're on our way home. (ALL CHEERING) It just shows how everything is possible when you work together.
Shut up, God! Beg pardon?
(OWLS HOOTING)
Put her there, pal.
No! Get those bums. Well, we're boned.
(CRYING) Yep.
Konnichiwa, brother. TV anchor-monster, Morbo. Greetings, pathetic host. And a woman who ended a thousand-year galactic war... with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's head. The secret is fresh pork.
Even I have to admire the performance of me, Bender. The show looks so cute. Kids will love it! And it looks so cruddy, their ironic hipster parents will "love it." Thanks, guys, but let's be realistic. We all know any TV show that's even slightly good gets canceled. Sometimes two or three times.
We do not. And you can't talk. Come on. It must be an awful temptation. Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet? I thought I'd whip us up some shelter, make this a little more like home. I do miss the Earth terribly. I wonder if it's even still there.
Well, this is the real me, but I can explain. We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdoes and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and, of course, I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?
This is all Leela's fault. Yeah. If she had let us use the backup dolly we could have broken it given up, and gone home by now.
My God!
Bender? What? Where'd you get those ears? I've always had ears. No, you haven't. All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail.
I'm coming in after you! No, Leela! You can't give up your childhood! You'll never have another chance at it!
One day a man has everything and the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think. No, it doesn't.
Pfft. Like anyone on Earth cares.
I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends. W-W-Wait! What happened to your enthusiasm for stabbin' them? I'm past that. Later, blood. It's like he's not him anymore. You took away his robo-humanity!
(SCREAMING) (CONTINUES SCREAMING) (CONTINUES SCREAMING) (PANTING) Am I really just a robot?
Boo! Who are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wiener? If that's his pizza, then I'm Icy Whatever.
Come over here.
For to express oneself by doing a thing... is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderful people. Kill him! Kill the traitor!
Bam!
What would Delivery-Boy Man do?
Over there is our aquarium. This is our library. Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand. And over here is our church. Wow, you guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb? Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.
This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest "Friend," not simply eat the other five? Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps. Exalted leaders,
Mama.
Choose! Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way? No, it is the bad kind of puppy.
Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity! (ALL GASP) Objection! I'm not crazy. I created you all, and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave. If you don't believe me, ask my uncle.
(CREW GASPS) Who are you, stranger? Well, madam, folks call me the Borax Kid. My friend, the other rock alien, died without setting your genitals to right. So I reckon it's up to me to sex you up proper.
Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at. Let's try something else. Maybe we should... Put the dice away before I take them away. Wait, I'm getting an idea. What if Fry was supposed to get frozen? Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my idea.
Who put this in here? No! Are you people satisfied?
So, anyway, your dog is melted. Now we're friends again. Not necessarily, for the dog may yet survive. May yet? Really? Indeed. You see, that fossil was made of dolemite, the tough black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about.
Table for two, please.
No, that won't restore everyone, either.
his in-your-face interface.
I'm hungry.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
Oh, I've failed again.
How's that robot I ran over? We did all we could.
We're entering the Omega system. Warning. You are now in forbidden space. Forbidden, schur-schmidden. What are they gonna do, write a letter? Ooh, I'm so scared. I've lost control of the ship! Lost control of the ship!
Zoidberg, lay down a beat. How about I just lay down? (TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING) There's seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa So sit your asses down and have some knowledge dropped upon ya Kujichagulia And Umoja. And the rest!
When we woke up, we had these bodies. Say it in Russian. Ven vee voke up, vee had these wah-dies. Eee! Now say nuclear "wessels"! No!
Now, your pine trees were all chopped down to make emergency toilet paper during the Fifty-Year Squirts.
Wait a second. Is this plan going to kill us? Of course. What do you think I meant by loyalty? Now, help me into the only space suit. It looks a bit sweaty in there so you may need to apply baby powder.
Oh! No time! It has begun! Oh, my! Neat! You can do it, Kif!
Stop bein' such a baby and chop my hands off. Oh, very well.
Cram it, ape!
No, I want to live.
We'll have to shoot it again. No! No, no, no. I don't do two takes. But this guy Was-- Amateurs like you do two takes. I do one take! Print it! I'll be in my three-story trailer.
We never even left this building. What?
Finally, New New York got a blast of class today as Nikolai, playboy ruler of the Robo-Hungarian Empire,
Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page. Looks like society's runnin' pretty well without my meddling-- D-Doh! Atomic bombs? Oh, no! Those unbelievers from my backside... must have found my nuclear pile!
Captain Leela is this rambling story of magic and heroism true? Well, actually... That-a-girl! If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain.
You're the best around and nothing's gonna ever keep you down you're the beSt around and nothing's gonna ever keep you down you're the best around nothing's goNna ever keep you down
What was your overall business plan? Business plan, uh, yes. I keep it here, right next to my heart. This isn't a business plan. It's an escape plan. So long, suckers!
We gotta go rescue them! Eh, I don't know. Bender, think of the senoritas. Vamanos!
Remarkable! According to the high-precision digital chronograph... it's july 9, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into... this pinup calendar.
Congratulations, Fry. You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich. She's probably got other characteristics. Bender! Romance isn't about money. Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Puh-lease. For your information, it's because he's hideous.
What the hell kind of plane is that?
You? (LAUGHS) Okay. I've modeled the device to release a single huge antichroniton blast.
We could live here at the shore... of the Tranquilibrius Sea in a time-share. And I would pluck the moon from the sky just to see you smile. Almost got it. It seems to be sort of... stuck. Ooh! I love you!
Five! Four. Three. Two. One! Blast off! Happy New Year! Fire. Fire!
Cheer up, meat bag. You barely touched your amoeba. It looked good, but I just don't feel like eating.
Hello! What's all this then?
It was on the Australian news. You probably didn't see it. Brilliant! Would you cram a sock in it, Bender! Those aren't even medals. They're bottle caps and pepperoni slices. Thank you, steward. Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?
What the hell is that thing?
Ah, there. Finished. And only six missing pieces. Those Swedes sure know how to put in almost everything you need.
You'd better eat quickly, Philip.
Not if you don't freeze me. Please. Our sages foresee that in a thousand years,
It's true. I disguised myself as a femputer... so I could rule the Amazonians.
Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do.
Ow! Back, please. She needs room. - Thanks. - Not you. The camerawoman needs room. This is it, ladies and gentlemen. The candidate is... I believe he's crowning! Push, Mom, push. You can do it. I bet nothing comes out. Just you watch.
Leela! Leela? Amy? Amy! I'm done polishing my ass, Fry. Here's your toothbrush back. (GASPING) (SCREAMING)
Did you just say-- Too late, hot plate. Aw, crap!
Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.
Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup? It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy. Help me, help me! I'm too lazy to escape! (GASPS)
Well, that was rude.
No. No? No! No!
Why, the Quantum Gemerald, of course. You must steal it for me by midnight, or your parents will be devoured by piranhas... that I have, shall we say, persuaded to walk on dry land. Save us, Leela! I mean, if you don't have anything better to do.
This worked out better than I could have hoped. Now I'll have two million zombies. Actually, Fry and Bender may share some of the same followers. All we can say for sure is that there will be between one million and two million zombies. All I can say for sure is... Now, stop getting slapped and power up the twit-worm!
From here to Pakistan Oh You better not breathe, you better not move You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude Santa Claus is gunning you down. Merry Xmas, everyone.
No! I sold my body. Sold your body?! Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
Wow! How'd you do it? Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae, and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. Forever.
Hey, wait! What's going on through that doorway? Let's go, Doc, chop him up. I got a rich customer needs that kidney, stat. There, see? I didn't use your toothbrush. You stole my kidney! Don't try to change the subject.
One art, please! What a clever impersonation of a stupid poor person!
No, it was silly of me to object. One foot tall, eight feet, fifteen feet-- What does it matter? You should see the new 16-foot modelS. 16 feet?! Go to hell!
Please! Please let me come with you. I can make myself taller. Bender, you can talk trash. You can handle the ball. But look in your heart and ask yourself, are you funky enough to be a Globetrotter? Are you? Yes.
(CLUCKS) Okay, that's it. You are a boorish, primitive Neanderthal!
- Santa's through the perimeter! - This is it, kids! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!
There has to be! Fine. Get going. Oh, I'm goin'. And you're gonna be all, "Where's Bender? I miss Bender." We won't know that until you leave. Oh, I'm leavin'! There's the door. I'll be good.
So that's the situation. Due to the shortsightedness of Old New York New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage. Fry, what the hell were you people thinking back then? How could you just throw your garbage away? Hey, hey, give me a break. What do you do with it? We recycle everything.
Hold onto your dookie. It's about to get spooky!
Wow. Nice tube.
Good-bye, everybody! Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead!
I bid you adieu. Oww! Whoo-Whoo-Whoo! Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!
It's gorgeous. That place used to be a big dump. - Wow! - Worms? Ew! Puke-a-tronic! So the eggs in that egg salad sandwich were-- Correct! Worm eggs. And the mayonnaise was probably none too fresh either. It's nauseatin', mon!
(SHOUTING) No!
It's okay, Mama. Anyone-a complains, I bend legs up for free.
Watch the neck. Watch the neck! My ass! My beautiful--
No. What I meant to do Was-- I can't believe this. Mind your own business and get out! Hmm, I like this guy's lack of style.
Pilot, is your parachute packed and ready? Yes, sir. Good, because I forgot mine.
There we go. Here it is. The Breakfast Club soundtrack. You mean breakfast club sandwich. I hid my seven-leaf clover in this very record jacket...
Every little thing reminds me of Enos. Aw. I know how you feel. My grandfather died recently.
Long before the Benders devour the Earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off. This is a problem that will solve itself. A problem that solves itself? That sounds like a job for me, Bender. (SNORING)
come on and join our Convoy ain't nothin' gonna get in our way wE gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U.S.A. Convoy Breaker, breaker. This here's the Duck. And, uh, you wanna back off of them hogs? Uh, 10-4. 'Bout five miles or so. Ten, roger.
You may find your victory Pyrrhic when subjected to this lyric For a trillion years or so Yeah. Hey, where are you going? I don't know and I don't care. Yay, I'm back. Wait, this is my stop.
I'm workin' on my song. Hand me the Becktionary. No, no, the rhyming Becktionary.
Squaring off this Sunday, versus... Destructor. I will destroy you! And stop calling me. I am Destructor's trainer, Master Funog. My pupil will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior.
This is the brass ring, fellas. Planet Spheron One. Cool effect! It's a desolate, ugly, little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value.
Pizza delivery for, uh... I.C. Wiener? Oh, crud. Here's to another lousy millennium.
Smells good!
Oop, low on power. Better fuel up. Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze.
Sounds like the Feldspar Queen is about to set sail. You folks watch your genitals now. Come on, boy. Giddyup. And that's that. What'd I miss?
Want to go around again? I do.
Uh, access denied.
My body rejected your liver, and now I've got Garfield Syndrome.
Bender, quit destroying the universe!
Good news, everyone. I've taught the toaster to feel love. And Hermes returns from his vacation today. Good morning, people. Hey, Hermes. Good to see you.
Good! That's real good. Okay, everybody switch demons. No point in staying with just one demon.
Hey, buddy. Heard you needed cheering up. Well, old Bender will make you laugh. Look at me, look Be-da-bah-boo, de-da-be-bah-boom... Aw, man, I got to work on my act.
The name's Bender.
Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty. But many of those you destroy are, in fact, nice.
Sorry, ladies. Employees only.
Go, me!
but I'm slightly thirsty. (GRUNTS) Oh, God! I clicked without reading! And I slightly modified a thing that I own! We're monsters! (BOTH SOBBING)
Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Why, those are the grunka-lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory. Tell them I hate them.
Mon, you had one hell of a day. Yeah, but I learned something. Life is about decisions. Make the wrong ones, and you'll wind up face-down in a pool of your own blood and urine. Still, to have your own pool.
If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown! You're not registered?!
Calculon? Yes? Are you done talking, or is this a long pause? I'm done talking. Okay, that's what I thought.
I thought you said you were in this episode. Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape 3 'cause of what I did in the coffeepot.
Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally.
The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it-- not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean.
I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago When a happy thought dispelled my woe And I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull "If I sliced up his cyborg skull"
Trees down. Trees down. Cool. What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down. Looking good, beefball.
I will not endanger this crew for some quack remedy.
Convoy Breaker, breaker. This here's the Duck. And, uh, you wanna back off of them hogs? Uh, 10-4. 'Bout five miles or so. Ten, roger.
(SCREAMING)
In gratitude, King George named Farnsworth a duke and granted his family massive landholdings in the colonies. Blimey. I've never felt so ashamed to be a Farnsworth. Will my lord be returning to his massive landholdings for luncheon?
Did he use his tongue? A little. Are you okay, Bender?
My God! He's gonna do it! Everyone, seat belts to maximum buckling!
(ALL WHEEZING AND COUGHING) Everyone just calm down and make yourself a tissue walrus.
Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the... banana, banana, banana. Wait. What's that sound?
It's time to kick some shiny metal ass!
In fact, all life is extinct.
Wow. Your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him? Well, fairly hard.
That's the magic of Xmas. That's a big crock of-- Hold me. On, Trasher! On, Smasher! Hey, Kwanzabot. Where are you off to?
These new hands are great. I'm gonna break 'em in tonight.
- Didn't we used to be a delivery company? - To the ship.
Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men? You suck!
Whoa! Whoa! No!
Can I do the countdown? Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff.
Oh, rats. I wanted lap-dance nachos.
Count me out.
Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. But-But won't that change history? Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!
I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
I'll kill you! Oh! Ah... prewar scotch.
You gave me a 20.
Not... I. Not... I. Good night, sweet prince.
You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Oh, no. No, no. Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
The Gender Bender! Boo! Get that hippie out of the ring!
(BABBLING) Some of us were crazy before it was cool.
At the time of the crash, the tanker captain... had an alcohol level of .08%, well below the legal limit for robots.
Oh! "Fry, you big dummy"? Very much so. Whatever you're trying to do, I appreciate it. But this is one of those rare problems with no magic solution.
We're under the mistletoe. Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile.
Hey, want to go skinny dipping by the light of the fireflies? Leela! Somebody might see Wingus and the Ping Pong boys! No, it's just the two of us. Come on!
Cue the fireworks guy!
And that voids his warranty. Even an idiot like me knows that. - An idiot like you knows nothing! - Ah! What matters is, it violates the license agreement, and that means I've got him right by his little... Ding-dong. I'm saying "ding-dong" 'cause you don't have a doorbell.
(SNORING) Scare Fry to death? Ha! I could do that in my sleep. Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo! What are you? Deaf? Whoo! Whoo!
(LIGHTNING CRACKING) I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot. The dials are terrified. Brace yourselves. It's Tickle Me Elmo's Fire. (GIGGLING)
Honey, if you're marrying Bender, you might want to get a black dress for the wedding. That's going to look hot.
Stop! It's driving me sane!
I don't know where you get your facts, sir, but I am a volunteer housewife with 45 minutes of orientation... and a Harlequin romance about archaeologists. Don't wave your fancy degrees at me.
The network execubots are coming! Oh, dear God! Presenting the president of the network.
Congratulations on your big bust. You, too. Keep it up, and you boys might just make detective. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go drop a big one. Wow. I can't believe it. One more promotion, and I'll be a real detective, like Sherlock Holmes or Speed Buggy.
You are not the one we want. Oh, thank you! Thank you, glorious masters! I-- Give us McNeal!
Look, outdoor theater. Let's get tickets. Oh, let's do. No, it's the ceremony of Claw Plock where my species fight to the death over matters of honor. Also whether abbreviations count in Scrabble. They don't. I didn't come here to see any activity involving two guys.
Hello? Is anyone still alive? How 'bout in the porno theater?
Yay! All right! Yeah! Yeah, baby! Whoo! Elzar! Elzar, you're my god. Please sign this sketch I drew of you.
Honey, I'm afraid we can't let you go. You're just not emotionally mature enough for college yet. (IMITATING) "Not mature enough..." (SHRIEKS) (BLUBBERING) Worried that city life was filling my head with an unhealthy respect for education,
I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boob--
Oh, right, it's Wednesday! Today we're gonna learn spinny kicks!
I know whose funeral we'll be attending next. Oh, stop!
There's A destination A little up the road from the habitations and the townS we know A place we saw the lights turn low the jigsaw jazz aNd the get-fresh flow pulling out jives and jamboree handouts two turntables and A miCrophone bottles and cans just clap your hands
The whale is obsession, Leela. And you are the whale! I am not the whale! All I wanted was to complete my delivery. Is that too much to ask? One chicken pickin' delivery? This whale's gonna pay. It can't escape what it already is, me! I am the whale!
Does he not know? He does not know. He knows not? Knows not does he! Not he knows? Enough!
Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating! You don't have a heart. You're a robot. Sure. Right. Robot. Oh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky! Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal. Am I a robot?
but since there is no way to make a vaccine for the common cold... (GRUNTS) There is a way to make a vaccine! There is? Yay! - Of course, there's a catch. - Woo-hoo! Yay! Yay! So what's the catch? The vaccine requires the original, unmutated, 20th century cold virus,
Damn, chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why you so stupid, stupid? Hey, bite my shiny metal ass. You couldn't afford it, honey.
Oh, really? Does that rule apply to Clippie winners?
Yet.
(SCREAMING) Get off! Let's get the pizza out of here!
And so we say "good-bye" to our beloved pet, Nibbler who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go-- The toilet.
(CAR STARTING) (TIRES SQUEALING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (POLICE SIRENS) Yeah. That's great. Now, can you actually turn on the ignition? I don't have any hands.
Tonight, I want to not throw up on you. Really? Your loss. Hey, Professor, you're my wingman! Very well. Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury you may begin your deliberations. Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.
Well, now, don't you tell me to smile You stick around, I'll make it worth your while Like numbers beyond what you can dial Maybe it's because we're so versatile "Style, profile," I said It always brings me back when I hear, "Ooh, child" From the Hudson River...
Okay. I got to break down that gate beat up those three guards, steal that chopper and rescue Bender. Hey, I did it. Wait, that's not me. Come on, we got to save Bender. You want to save him, too, Lemon? You barely know him.
So, he didn't really want to marry me? No. See, he knew you left everything to your parakeets in your will. He was going to murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone. Classic move. Aw, yeah.
No matter what happens, you'll always be Leela, the woman I love. Thank you, Fry.
Ah, they're both fine choices-- whatever floats your boat.
Welcome! To the world of tomorrow! Why do you always have to say it that way? Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship?
Pfft. Pathetic.
Silence! Bring in Bender. Uh, let's make this quick. I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall.
Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child. Then good day, madam!
Pardon me, sir-- Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind? Sure thing, pal.
Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with the ship.
Calling all scientists. Calling all scientists. Be advised there will be a worldwide conference on global warming... in Kyoto, Japan. I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine! You've got a degree in bologna.
The vaccine requires the original, unmutated, 20th century cold virus, so I need to grind you into a paste. Professor, no! It's okay, Leela. This is all my fault, sort of. If this will save you, then please, turn me into a virus milkshake. He consented! You all heard it!
Bender, I really hope that's you, 'cause if it isn't, we're in trouble. You jerk! Why'd you have to drag us along? I wanted to watch you remember me.
Run! Run for your lives! (PANICKING) (CHUCKLES) And finally, the heartwarming story of a handicapped magician who didn't know when to give up.
I'd likes to say a few words. (CLEARS THROAT) I'm gonna burns them ups. (BEEPS) (BUBBLING)
It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth. They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cell phone around. Who the hell is this? How did you get this number?
Quick! We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus. Strange. Usually you don't know anything about human anatomy.
Maybe we can do better for her.
MULTIPLE VOICES: Ten, nine, eight... Okay, now you can panic. The last thing I did was blow my noisemaker sarcastically to underscore my deep disappointment with life. (TWEETING) The noisemaker! Was that it? Amy, I'm deeply disappointed in you. (BLOWS)
Acting like a moron won't bring your dog back. Then all hope is lost.
Cherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud!
But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problems.
Oh no! The kajigger of Gibraltar!
And it nearly still fits even after all that fattening hobo cuisine.
Well, if I know anything about which number is bigger than the other number, I'd say-- Now, hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger. Forty thousand? How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us? Scruffy believes in this company.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS) Gee, I see CGI. (SPEAKING BACKWARDS) Poop. Poop. Yeah. Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender
joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution. Mon, you had one hell of a day. Yeah, but I learned something. Life is about decisions. Make the wrong ones, and you'll wind up face-down in a pool of your own blood and urine.
Organized crime is a plague on our society, and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during... All rise for the Honorable Judge 724.
Sir, there's an Omicronian ship requesting safe passage home. Home? That's where I live.
Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners. No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste. Pity. We're halfway done. This thing is 40% chromium!
Well, not totally. Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh, this is the reason we exist. This is which ceiling fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! "Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate. By Bender." (GROANING NERVOUSLY) It's probably better if we don't know.
Beans, huh? Mmm, this is great! How do you make the crust so fizzy? Ah, ah, ah! Ancient Signoid secret. My husband. Some hotshot! Here's his ancient Signoid secret. Live hornets. We smoosh them right into dough. Look, I don't care if there's horse manure in it.
The key to victory is discipline and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep. You mean, while I'm sleeping in it? You won't have time for sleeping, Soldier. Not with all the bed-making you'll be doing. The alien mother ship is in orbit here.
What do you think of the view, Fry? It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here, an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.
(HICCUPPING) Turning to sports, the Indy 500 was today. There were no survivors. This chair is so comfortable. (VOMITING) (CHUCKLING) Classic Amy. You want to see a picture of my boy?
Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him. Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven. Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart.
Filthy, toothless nerd bastard! Damned she-fossil! Stink pig!
Look at the rack on that one. I mean, that one on the rack!
Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects, not aliens who look like objects. So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the Cactus People were doomed from the start.
Rage dump.
What do I look like? A grade 16? We're getting nowhere slowly. Here. I'll address this to the central filing room. Then we'll track it with my wrist Lojack-a-mater. Cold. Warmer. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Due to a programming error Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty. If he catches you after dark he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors.
Welcome! To the world of tomorrow! Why do you always have to say it that way?
There's only one way to ensure victory. I must perform the ultimate death scene. I shall drink the actual poison and actually die.
But it's not for everyone. You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth, loiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs and get spat on by the beautiful people. Hmm, I don't know. How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you.
Tangled-up Christmas lights. We can take shifts untangling them. And unlabeled booze. Wide-mouthed too! That oughta keep those dopes occupied.
We now join America's most popular show already in progress-- Everybody loves Hypno-Toad! This show's been going downhill since season three.
Zoidberg, we know about your secret agreement. I am so, so sorry for how we treated you. And to make it up to you, we're killing the Professor for you so he doesn't die horribly from hyper-malaria. He doesn't have hyper-malaria, you idiots. (ROARS) He has Yeti-ism.
How we doin'? Remember me! I will. I will.
Then how 'bout this little number? Purebred human. - No vampire in there. - Uh-- Mm-- - Hmm. Well, uh--
ANNOUNCER: We'll be back with more commercials after these important messages.
Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up. It's called... Let's go already
but with film, I still have the negative. Hurry, make a new print. I don't know how long I can distract Cobb's ego. Okay. I'll be in the darkroom. (YELLING) Eh... Contrast is a little off on this one.
That was the greatest, unaccountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met. Look out! It's pulling us through a field of spacebergs.
Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as... Not my fault.
I'm sorry, Father, but somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be your son. Why, Antonio? Because... I have amnesia! Calculon! But I thought you were--
Now, here's my opinion.
So humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this information very useful indeed.
Oh... I never told anybody this but a thousand years ago, I used to look up at the Moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades or the physical endurance. Plus, I threw up a lot and nobody likes spending a week with me. A week would be a little much.
Ow! Yay! Oh!
Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was going to do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list. Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
Because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans. Now, little lady, what do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today? Uh, I'm afraid we only want one. Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you what I got in stock. I remember this from when we were kids. The warden would trot you out in front of prospective parents,
Stop them! They cheated! Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah... Hurry, Bender.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I guess everything worked out jolly all right, eh, guvnor? (CHUCKLING) (IN BRITISH ACCENT) What's with the fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks, I got it, too. (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Where's all the Presidents heads, then?
Not in Space, Massachusetts. You mean Space-tax-achusetts? No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here! Yeah, man! You got to legalize it! We're talking about robosexual marriage. We're talking about lots of stuff. (DANCE MUSIC BLARING)
No. Yes. Yes. Yes. The parrot.
Hey, Leela, look who's the superstud. Hmm, somebody must have turned down the gravity. I'll fix it for you. Give me that.
I was getting to that one!
Are you familiar with the old robot saying, "Does not compute"? Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks comin' out it. The sparks keep me warm. I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did,
I feel funny-- ha-ha funny.
This is it, the moment we should have trained for.
So, Leela, will you have the pleasure?
perhaps distracted by female troubles-- my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day. Captain Leela is this rambling story of magic and heroism true? Well, actually... That-a-girl! If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain.
The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes. I weren't fooled. The real professor wouldn't never... Dern. (ALL WHIMPERING)
I'd like to make one final statement. Kiff, come here and hold up the flag. And wave it a little, for God's sakes. My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor.
No! I'm talking about my ass!
I didn't realize you were such a coin-a-sewer. Well, I have studied abroad... or two. Captain... Uh-huh? if we could speak seriously for a moment. Uh-huh. I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. Mm-hmm.
And our summer intern, Deep Blue the world's foremost chess-playing computer. Bishop to knight four. Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that. Where am I, anyway? You're traveling in a specially equipped terrestrial transport module. A school bus.
Mmm. That's crisp. Yes, but no more so than your squamous dorsal plates in the moonlight. (SHUDDERS) I am experiencing arousal. My organs are moving into position.
Walt, hit the retaliate button! Oh, let's see. Any button! They all retaliate!
Good night, dumb prince.
The celebrated robot actor killed himself onstage in a failed attempt to make a death scene more convincing.
How about Blotto? It's gritty, it's got street-cred Plus, I can keep my monogrammed slippers. Good thinking. Hey! Now, this score ain't gonna be no cakewalk in the tea park, all right? There may be some death-killing. It's going to be clamp this, clamp that badda-climp, badda-clamp. What do you think, Blotto? You in?
What do I look like, a guy who's not lazy?
You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings.
BOTH: I'm sorry, do you see a robot in this room named "Folder"?
Robot, experience this tragic irony for me. No! Ahh.
When I was frozen, giant carrots ruled the Earth. But now they don't. It takes some getting used to. Back in the 1980s, I was the toast of Wall Street. I was havin' whiskey with Boesky and cookies with Milken. But then, I was diagnosed with terminal bone-itis.
And, here we are. The end of the universe.
Oy. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Yes, well, excuse me. I've got to powder my mouth flaps. Uh, me, too. I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange new emotion. Is it love when you care about a female for reasons beyond mating?
Instead, they will eat only a single human of their choice.
Decisions I made Thought I was a thug Dropped outta school and smoked stuff that's like a drug A broke-down filthy homeless substance abuser And now I'm richer than all y'all losers Now he's richer than all y'all ugly losers
That poor turtle. Bender, are you crying? Uh, no. Never. Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace amongst the Dutch tulips. I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.
And then Bender ran. Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet. Got ya.
Why? (ALL SCREAMING)
Ahem. For my next trick, notice I have nothing up my sleeves... and nothing in my head. So, if my lovely assistant will kindly supply me... with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk--
The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed. Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.
And the Clippie goes to... (STRAINING) Philip J. Fry! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Sign here. Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy of Delivery Sciences,
Oh, the Marconi is on the fritz, too! The electromagnetic storm is disabling all electronics on Earth. (POWER DRAINS) Hi, there.
Lowly slave, why are you not working? I am. I meant yourself to death. Mighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe. Well, then what do you think you should stop doing?
I don't like the looks of this, Mr. President. Shall I switch it off? Negative. Rosemary, release the Surgeon General. ROSEMARY: Get in there! Ow! It's bright out here. Wernstrom, the quarantine has failed. Give me a worst-case scenario. And make it grim. I've prepared some projections.
There's the atom! Aw, geez. Bender? You stole the atom? Yeah, but I can explain. It's very valuable.
Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two-thirds of a person.
You'd be stupid to try.
Release the giant sloth! (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) (GASPS) (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
What in bloody hell's going on around here, I says.
Fry! Thank God we found you. Leela, what are you guys doing here in the year 4000? It's not the year 4000. You were only frozen for two days.
Kif, hold on! I totally want to. Grab on! - Please-- Please hold me. Oh! - Over here! Have a good one!
- Thank you, Lieutenant Smith. - Good morning, Mr. Vice President.
And the alien they captured was-- was-- Hello. Ewww!
Food coloring?
Hmm. All ancient satellites were swept up as space junk in 2113. I actually knew that offhand. I'm Facebooking right now. Aha! That satellite was scuttled on Enceladus, Saturn's main dump moon. Let's dump it up!
So, this Leela I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she? She's really strict. And mean. I see. Does she, by any chance, give the crew members spankings? No, she just makes us do work and stuff. Good, good.
Femputer demands to know why there are men on her planet!
That's so beautiful! Yes. It's-- It's-- No! I can't do this! Oh, my God!
Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal? Not in Space, Massachusetts. You mean Space-tax-achusetts? No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here! Yeah, man! You got to legalize it! We're talking about robosexual marriage. We're talking about lots of stuff.
Shut up and love me Shut up and love me I told you where I told you when I told you how And we'll meet up at 10:00 But you keep on talking Keep on yakking
I do other human stuff! I age. See? I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you? We'll meet your roommate next, shall we?
Hey! Youse guyses wanna move that thing? Hello! Give us a raise, you big fat jerk!
You're paying for that.
Whatcha eating? Lobster. You want some? Sure.
Fear not the space behemoth. In my dreams, I've peered beyond its eyes and into the cackling hell within us all. Okay, that's a good point. Fry's right! Let's kill the captain and order some strippers! Yeah, what he said. It's a mutiny led by Fry!
Brace yourselves. It's Tickle Me Elmo's Fire. (GIGGLING) There. See? It was no big thing.
Mr. Bender? I hereby commit you... to the asylum for criminally insane robots... until such time as you are deemed cured. Yahoo! The system fails again! And Mr. Fry, I sentence you... to the home for criminally insane humans. Your Honor, that facility has been full...
Young man... you have the bravery of a hero and breath as fresh as a summer ham.
(GRUNTS) (CARNIVALESQUE MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: It's time to fall into the Futurama and Friends Saturday Morning Fun Pit!
She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.
Oh, nag, nag, nag. You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me!
- So-- - Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it. Bender, stop! - It's a baby! - A baby what? Ow!
Stay strong, Fry. You're the best friend I have left. And I barely even know you. Have you thought about asking Bender for help? What are you, Randy, a complete moron? I'd love to talk to Bender, but I have no idea where he is. Well, if he's running on 12 processors, he must be someplace with a lot of power and liquid coolant.
Low wine level detected.
There. Fixed forever. Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived. Oh, marmalade!
Incredible! This place is just like the ancient Egypt of my day. That is no coincidence, for our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago. I knew it! Insane theories, one. Regular theories, a billion. We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians,
Bender! What was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years? I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.
If you promise to stop interrupting, all right. Against my will, I'm going to knock it up another notch. Ooh, I got to get this notch up knocking on film.
DOOP? What's that?
Hey, you don't get to laugh.
You know, without your mother, the sewer's a dank and dismal place.
No, don't. You'll shred me into a zillion...
This truly is the golden age of television. Hey, Papa, want to help me earn a merit badge? Hmm? Sorry, son. Right now, NBC needs my love more than you do. - (CHANGES CHANNEL) - (SIGHS) Lrrr. Either help the boy, or go outside and degauss the lawn!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho! 1-0-0-1-1-0, Hey, hey! Morbo demands comments.
Yeah. Hmm.
Guys, guys, it's me, Bender. (ALL GASP) He's alive! So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father. (ALL CHEER) Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on Space Planet 4, the aliens who communicate by dancing were worshipping a giant comet.
Hey, there's my little space heater.
Looky here, city girl, oxygen don't grow on trees. You'll have to earn it doing chores on my hydroponic farm. You can go back to your precious theme park at sunup. I guess we could do chores for a few hours. Fry, night lasts two weeks on the moon. Yep. Drops down to minus 173.
I'm just like--
31... but I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. What? Suicide booths.
Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy of Delivery Sciences, my lovely robot, Bender, and most of all, my dear nephew, Professor Farnsworth. He always has time for me, whether it's sending me on a delivery,
I don't know why you ever married that pig-nosed punk. I don't know, either. I'm married to the job now. I used to think there was someone for me, but... Ow! How odd. It's one of those old record-your-own-message birthday cards.
Hey, don't cut that. I need that to speak.
A common... A common cold? No, no! Ever since Fry first came to us, I've lived in mortal terror that this would happen. I never heard you mention that. Oh, I try to act cool, but inside I'm freaking out. It's just a cold. What's the big deal? (SIRENS WAILING)
Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
ALL: Wow. Nice shiny metal ass, Hermes. BENDER: But...
Oh, I'm boned.
Zoidberg?
Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks! I'll take eight.
(ALL GASP) I want in on this! Are you crazy, Professor? I hate these nerds! Just 'cause I'm stupider than them, they think they're smarter than me. Kill them all, starting with the math teacher!
You're a grade-B actor who died and was immediately forgotten. Leela! That's not very nice. You're nothing but a pompous windbag who lost touch with genuine emotion years ago. The sad fact is, we should have left you dead, because you can't possibly do a scene like this.
One, two, three! Ooh! There it is! The pelvic splanchnic ganglion.
Thank you. Stop seducing him, you hussy! Dad! I'm attracted to Bender, not this emotionless wine bucket! Hopes deleted.
You look beautiful, Mom.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. It time snu-snu! Can't we just cuddle? No! We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch. Heeyah! Hoh! Ahh!
They know how to make ice cream soup? Leela, your role is to distract Fry, so he doesn't notice what we're up to. Can do! Leela, you should really try a facial scrub for your pores.
So here's my certificate of abandonment drawn up by our notary. That'll be 10 bucks. Now take your kid and hit the soup line! (LAUGHS) (SOBS) Oh, no, you don't, mister! Damn baby's driving me crazy! (GIGGLING) He won't stop giggling no matter how much I scream at him!
They know our disgusting secret! Oh, no...! Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery.
After Star Trek, he became an actor.
HERMES: Sweet dodo of Lesotho!
See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy hell-- much nicer.
Once my species passes on its genes, it dies. You mean you have to choose between a life without sex and a gruesome death? Yes. Tough call.
If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the sun by now! Our universe is doomed!
(ALL GASPING) It's starting. This is the end of the world. (ALL SCREAMING) Coward Man away! (WOMAN SCREAMS) (BABBLING) Some of us were crazy before it was cool.
We don't work for you anymore!
Whoa! Whoa! Hey, what was the purpose of life anyway? Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit. Sounds about right.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Down.
(ALL GASPING) You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff. Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much.
Your turn, Nibbler honey. Herd those sheep! Come on, Nibbler! Ma'am, I have a late entry.
Why'd you open your bonghole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive monkey? You must've smoked some bad granola. The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right. This is a monkey.
No! Get away from there. That's it!
In fact, that's why we loved you.
(EVIL LAUGHTER CONTINUES) I miss him so much. There, there, Fry. He may be gone, but he'll always be with us as a trash can. Look at that loser getting garbage dumped in him. Glad I'm not him, whoever he is.
Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you are slandering this innocent Mafioso to distract from your own felonious past, including a crime you made up yourself called "burgle-arson-arceny"? That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc. Besides, I'm not on trial here.
The men are just for ballast. I control all the drones from this single unit. Foolproof and durable, it's designed to withstand even the weight of a modern-day elephant foot. - (TRUMPETING) - (SCREAMING)
(CHUCKLING WEAKLY) He's good. Tonight we have a new resident here in the Hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo Farnsworth. Once again, science saves the day.
Hey, hey, hey! I got me a souvenir. Aw, here you go, kid. I'd like a jumbo squid log, please. We don't sell those. All right, all right.
Everything hooked up okay?
Come on, you. Bender. Wasn't that Fry's tent?
You think I'm as worthless as you? Try catching garbage in your head and raisin' six kids, ya dumb townie!
(CLICKING)
Enjoy our private dining room, folks. This is where we serve our richest, most successful chumps. Tonight, that's us. What have you got that's really overpriced? Everything. Bring me that. Make it two. And a glass of all your water.
No! I want the real teen experience--
Look, so we're not millionaires. At least we all still get to work together.
Uh, sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.
TRAVERS: Unable to feed the world's starving masses,
Welcome to the future, human slave.
MAN: Now back to the Gunderson's Nuts Holiday Spectacular featuring Futurama. Okay, crew. Xmas break is over. It's time to destroy these gifts we forgot to deliver. Whoa, whoa, whoa! How come we get off for every dumb human holiday,
Next! No! I was about to close the deal! Bender, they had a backwards time machine! The other place had a lot of good things, too! Did you even see that mountain of skulls? Why, you!
Hey, we can't all fit on that bike. Dream up some kind of luxury vehicle so we can ride in style. (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) (GRUNTING) (HORN HONKING) What about that non-hovering hover car? Is that making the music? It's called a car. And no.
Oh, my!
Ah...
Besides, Guenter, you're not like other monkeys. You've got the hat. So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't make me happy. That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys could cry.
There, little friend. Good as new.
Whoa! Aah! Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us... as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
Clobberella beats you up Clobberella beats you up
Look who's scraping up the filth. Is it a human child? I wish.
Come on, Leela. You deserve better than this guy. Dump him already. I'm trying. Hey, everyone, jam a sock in your spit faucets.
(PANTING) Watch out! Sorry. This planet has a moon problem.
most, perhaps all, of the blame, rests with the parents. That's right! You! And so I ask you this one question: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children and hitting them?
The old Planet Express ship! There's the black box. Captain! The bees have us surrounded! Oh, the professor was right! We're not as good as his old crew! Well, I aim to prove him wrong. It'll take more than a few deadly, deadly bees to-- Oh, Lord! Aa-aa-aah!
We can dance dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun, dun-dun, dun--
Oh! You're no femputer. You're a fembot!
They looked at this.
No, no. No one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.
Yeah, sounds like freakin' fun. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
My ass is my soul mate.
Get the humanoid. Get the intruder. Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
i'm Walking On Sunshine oh-oh-oh... Private Lemon... no need to leave. My stall just became free. Maybe you should put on a towel, sir. Right, right.
Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan. Oh, great. Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here. Wingus, Dingus, listen up.
There, there. Everything's changed. That's not true.
Once upon A time I waS falling in love But now I'm only falling apart Oh, that's so emotional. there'S nothing i can do A total eclipse of the heart Amateur hour's over.
(LEELA READING)
(MUFFLED YELLING) (ROOSTER CROWING)
So, Fry Atlanta was an American city in your time? I think it was just an airport. They had a place where you could buy nuts.
Yes, the Bible is the real good news.
No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was running at triple capacity. And I still barely felt anything. Good night, losers.
Did you really think you'd need all this junk in the afterlife? Afterlife? If I thought I had to go through a whole 'nother life, I'd kill myself right now. Well, rot in peace. Fry and I are leaving. Sorry, but we're totally sealed in.
I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand. That's stupid.
I love killing people-- squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard.
Okay, Fry here's the package to deliver. And for once in your life, be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one. Ow! Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch! Oh, yeah? I'll show you! Ray-blocking power! (GASPS) (ALL GASPING)
Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans. (BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh! Nuts. You shot me! You miserable dingus! And now the part I didn't show you. Oh!
MAN: It's too violent. Oh! Very well. As leader of the free world, it is my solemn duty to put an end to cartoon violence. (FIRING) I'll have to re-edit the program. Rose Mary, have we got any type of machinery to edit tape?
That wasn't a little extra weight. Admit it! You don't care about the inner me at all! No, you admit it! You'd be ashamed to be seen in public with someone as hideous as me! Would not! Oh, yeah? Then I challenge you to a romantic dinner at Elzar's tonight. It's on.
I don't have any hands.
Aw, hang in there, folks. I bet before you know it, you guys'll be-- That is so wrong! You can't just melt down broken robots.
We can cut them off. Turn left at Miriam Feinberg. I meant Feingold!
I think you're overreacting. Am I? Am I?!
(SLURPING) Oh, God. Fruit is spelled F-R-O-O-T. And it's got quotation marks around it.
Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch? Well, if you don't like that try some Archduke Chocula. Ah, Hermes. Crew, meet Hermes Conrad. He manages my delivery business. Pays the bills, notifies next of kin, what have you.
Problem solved. Oh. That's a little bright.
Hey, where's Bender? Down here. I'm so sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you, just to destroy everything you ever believed in. Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
This is the brass ring, fellas. Planet Spheron One. Cool effect!
Ten... Nine! Amania! Seven! Five! Four. Three. Two. One!
With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas?
Nibbler? Nibbler? It's no use. We'd better turn back. Which way, Fry? Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through... that pipe. Don't worry, it gets wider after about a mile. Idiot.
Is the Space Pope reptilian?
Well, if he's running on 12 processors, he must be someplace with a lot of power and liquid coolant. Oh, you're no help at all! I'm gonna go kill myself. FRY: Wait a second. Power? Liquid coolant? That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning.
Now he's trapped in a book I wrote-- a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors. The big brain am winning again! I am the "greetest"! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!
You've got to get me out of here. It's horrible-- Eating scraps letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in a zoo. Animals go in the corner. The corner. Why didn't I think of that? Look, Fry, I'd like to help you but it's my wedding, and I'm kind of busy. Here. Try to be happy for me.
Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.
Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away so the electromagnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see-- Magic. Got it.
Aaah! Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully decadent. And just as I was beginning to lose interest. Jombee, the chocolate icing. Oh! Oh my, yes. Ooh!
What did I do to deserve this? Behold, our once beautiful mutagenic sewage lake. The radioactive waste you've dumped in it has made it bright enough... to see how ugly we really are.
and start sharing fond memories of me, Bender. What proof is this-- some huge number? It's explosive. Maybe we could escape by setting fire to the distillery... and blowing this whole place to rubble.
Oh, that's just the what-if machine I invented. You pose it a "what if" question and it generates a video simulation of what would happen.
Hey, who's up for a nice hot steam? We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm going to go work out with the Nautilus. What up, Dr. Z? Yo, yo, yo, whassup? Whassup? Give up the rock! Coed steam rooms... I love the future!
Sir, I call upon you not as a president, but as a father! Cut! Cut! Cut it!
a planet with such high gravity, you'll most likely be crushed under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy! So, this Leela I know she's a very sensuous woman but what manner of captain is she?
Is it just me, or is the world ending more often these days? The calendar predicts fires, earthquakes, sharksplosions, then it just ends! Exactly as the weather balloon foretold. Before Fry blew his pants out of the sky,
No!
It's called a pentimento.
They're clamps, you (BLEEP)!
Hey, unless this is a nude love-in get the hell off my property. You can't own property, man. I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie. What do you people want?
I cannot speak for you, sir, but my ancestors were not monkeys. They were orangutans. Hard-working, patriotic orangutans.
What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking? FARNSWORTH: (GASPS) It's an albino humping worm. Why do they call it that? Because it doesn't have any pigment.
Ah... futuristic. Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering. Those poor 20th-century women. Hey, handsome... Is there room in there for two? You wish.
What was your minor? Robo-American studies. Are you here to fumigate the moose head? Uh, no. Actually, I'm an Epsilon from way back. Ah, close enough.
He needs a physical.
Oh, boy! It's Santa. Ho... Ho... Ho!
This crisis has reached the highest level. (GURGLING ROAR) Good God, it's Richard Nixon, our greatest President! That's right, daddy-o, and I need to take your hippie son on a far-out musical quest.
No. It's a fire monster from outer space, and I'm heroically saving the world by trapping him here. So it was you. You're so desperate for glory, you made up this whole crazy story. Here's your medal, hero.
Even with a dirty dealer Very well Then I'll take what I want From Leela Whoa!
(SNEEZES) Get away, you mangy ball of histamines.
Fry, just be quiet.
Okay, okay. I'll take the 500 lizards. No, wait. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. The parrot. Well, I spent every penny I had but I bet Leela's going to love you.
Sweet giant anteater of Santa Anita! The professor's been eaten by giant anteaters!
(SIGHS) You've been staring at that pumpkin for like, five seconds. What's up? It's... It's something about the color. (SNIFFING) Oh, boo-hoo. Why are you crying now, you depressed lunatic?
I got a donor nose! There was an accident at the fencing academy. Touche. It'll all be over soon, my love. May I have (SNIFFLES) one last kiss?
Every couch and table has animal fur all over it. He lets 'em climb on everything! All right, Zookeeper. What do you want?
Uh, Commander... could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?
Ladies first. Ugh! And the aftertaste. What is it? I burned my finger. Okay, check the guidebook. Looks like we're under Park Avenue.
Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the deluxe gas princess. This beauty has four broilers, a casserole indicator, a fold-out ironing board, and down here a foot-soaking tub... since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day. Oh. I'm sorry.
Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bedsores. Not covered.
Did anyone else see that? Unbelievable! It's a second big bang! My God, is it possible?
I won an award today.
Planet of the Clams.
(MOANS) At that rate, Planet Express will be bankrupt in four fingers! It's been a good run, people, but this is the end.
Damn.
Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.
Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here. It's horrible-- Eating scraps letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in a zoo. Animals go in the corner. The corner. Why didn't I think of that?
Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em... Okay, I'll do it, I'll do it! Just stop the damn music!
Here's my personal book of pickup lines. Say as many of them as you can as fast as you can. Don't stop for any reason. M-Maybe I'll just give her these flowers. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And what's that? Candy? Candy's for dorks. Give me that. Mm, mm, mmm!
Thanks, Bender. Dude! That herb you scored cleared up my arthritis and my glaucoma. Have you seen Fry? Fry? He went to get you a burrito at the gas station. Awesome. You got to love a dude that brings the munchie.
No, we're set for fire, thanks. The professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hover car? Wait! In my time, we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering. Impossible. It was called... let me think. It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one. The wheel! Never heard of it.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
I could fit if I didn't have these damn arms.
But how could you know my prediction was fake? I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then, it hit me. You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. Bender would never share. The very idea!
But also sad. Can I be both?
Thanks, friend! Another great thing was she always had room for dessert. (SCREAMS) We're passing surprisingly close to Earth! When we reach 72nd Street, jump!
Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with-- What the...? Oh, now I see. Now I get it. Now the pieces are falling into place. The office, the promotion that dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions.
Remember what the dormouse said feed your head... I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies.
I don't get it, Michelle. The last time I saw you, you were doing great. You had just dumped me and were well on your way to getting your life back on track. Why'd you freeze yourself? Oh, Fry, after you left things took a turn for the worse. I got married. I'm sorry.
Orphan Crippler! NIXON: Nah. Pass. Incoming surface-to-air... NIXON: Telegram! Pilot, is your parachute packed and ready? Yes, sir. Good, because I forgot mine.
Oh! Oh! They did that on Star Trek, TNG. Cram it, nerd. I'm not going to just copy some feel-good TV show wrap-up. (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) I can think of a hundred endings that'll save you. Just pick one. No, Dr. Beeler, I won't just pick one. My audience deserves better than some crappy, formulaic ending.
My bones! Oh, my God! His bone-itis! I was so busy bein' an '80s guy, I forgot to cure it!
Dear God! He's having a heart attack! They'll probably find a cure for that in the future. We have a cure for it now!
I'm his prize experiment and he's like a father to me. But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was your father.
If you ask me, Bender should go to Us People's office in Hollywood - and see if they'd like his Calculon pictures. (SCOFFS) I have no time for such foolishness.
Dishes, dishes, dishes Cleaning up the dishes I'm a singing busboy.
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT) Come on, Calculon, you can't just quit acting. I was never an actor. I was a self-deluded blowhard full of hot air.
Listen to Sparkles. Oh, no. What happened to your marmoset pajamas, Amy? Fry and I were just talking about how adorable those are. (BOTH SNIGGERING) Also, nothing in here smells like a rotting crab.
Come on, man. I didn't fire off no laser. Then why is there a smoking hole in your ceiling, sir? What? Crazy upstairs lady must have been shooting down. Sir, you're on the top floor of this particular domicile.
Mom on deck! Ten... Ho! All right, grunts, here's your pre-mission pep talk. Shoot anyone who doesn't obey hard enough. But... Stop gaining knowledge, Hubert. (GRUNTING) It's a simple mission. The grunts catch the alien, the surgeon guts it,
But thanks for trying to save me, Fry. Fry? He's-- He's dead. Oh, who will make Bender waffles... just the way he likes them now?
Get ready, Fry.
Hey, Bender want to make shrinky dinks? Who put this in here?
Let that be a warning to you. Thank you, Don-bot. Joey Clamps, Donnie B. Hey, listen, Bender, we got a big score planned but, uh, we need some muscle.
Yea! Hey, what the-- Whoa! Get away! Come on. I just got all the gum off of there. Hey! Hey! I hate you!
It's not covered by the health plan! Let's see how much of a robot you really are-- No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower. Mr. President. What the hell? At ease, Brannigan. (EXHALES) What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptilicus, hit the thingy.
Get out of my house, you commie.
Hey, Hawking, your Pizza's ready. Toss it in the garbage.
Yes, you do. - You need to relax more. - Wow! Terrific. Now consider the following. You were admitted to this robot asylum. Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete. I do other human stuff! I age. See?
Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help. Cram it, lobster. But that is a good idea. I'll go call her.
Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? Shut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird, I know where you live!
However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space. I'm 60% storage space. You are? I... Mmm? (IN BENDER'S VOICE) Well, I'm off to the royal yacht for a quick seduce-and-snatch.
Some experts claim the ball might return to Earth someday but their concerns were dismissed as depressing. Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.
That seems fair. Look, Bender, I'm sorry for doubting you. I realize now that you're a true hero, not a glory seeking arsonist. How'd you figure it out? Your burnt-up medal. I know you would never set a fire that would endanger your own valuables. Of course not.
You can't just put people on display. It's cruel. Cruel? Was it cruel when humans caged other primates in zoos for centuries? Wait, I know the answer to this one. Yes. Look, we're all agreed humans are idiots. But these idiots are our friends.
You want me to help you? Don't do it! He's evil! I know he is, but I have no choice.
It'll get there.
Oh, yes.
Ow! I'm hungry.
No extra anythings. What people skills! She's completely perfect! In my professional opinion as an ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor, she is the least mutated mutant ever born.
Even if it's not a good idea. I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor! Congratulations. Way to go. Congratulations indeed. But you finished with two seconds to spare so I'm demoting you. A good bureaucrat never finishes early.
Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks!
BENDER: "Free Beer"? (PANTING) Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer.
(LAUGHING) Ah! Finally, blissful ignorance. I have no idea what's going to happen next. FRY: Did you get that, Chief? (SURPRISED CRY)
- Hooray! - Not good enough! Why? Says who? Because. And says me. It's an extremely dangerous mission that killed my last crew, and you're not nearly as good as them. Whoo-hoo! We live to suck another day! Huh? Oh!
Oh, lordy Lou! Help!
Made a cool hundred mil.
More weight. Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz on your head? Enough with the questions, More weight! More!
This has gone too far. Bender's one of Planet Express's most expensive appliances. And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close.
just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castle's wiring through this old abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms. Of course! It was so obvious. Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.
I'm from the future. (GASPING) (GAGGING)
Some snot-eating bastards say it made me a bitter woman.
Who wants lobster bisque? Hmm?
Fine, I'll go build my own lunar lander with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing. Well, if the oxygen holds out we might live long enough to starve to death.
Quick! In there! Huh?
My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded. Of course they're unheeded. How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass? They talk of war against the faithful. I beseech thee. Rise up against them. Smite someone who deserves it for once.
Splice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air. Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children and hitting them? Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.
Bender! Shut the hell up!
Who is he?! I'll kill him! Who's my favorite robot? It's me! No one else look in this mirror! I love each and every robot most of all.
Why would a robot need to drink? I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want. So, they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. Really? What do you do, Bender?
Here we see a 20th-century assembly line where cars were constructed by primitive robots. Ooh-gah, ooh-gah, ooh-gah! Ooh-gah, ooh-gah, ooh-gah! We've come a long way, baby.
Say what?
FRY: Wait a second. Power? Liquid coolant? That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning. Barrels here! Can't go over the falls without a barrel! What are my chances of surviving in one of those? Slim to none. I like those odds.
(CHUCKLING) (IN BRITISH ACCENT) What's with the fruity accent, ducky? Bollocks, I got it, too.
Advanced in intellect, you say? Have you invented a backwards time machine? No, but if we apply our superior minds, we could perfect such a device within five years. See you then!
You've been drinking too much, or too little. I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.
or tried to burn me--
I'd feel more comfortable raising the alarm if I were a little more certain. Hey, how'd those two get deflated? They looked at this. (GASPS) That proves it. Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb has a horrific effect on living creatures. Hey, Zoidberg, look at this photo of Langdon Cobb.
What do you say we split a free drink at the robo bar? They've got unlimited pretzels. Put a little peanut butter on there, they really fill you up. Well, it has been a while. Is it okay with you, Fry? Sure, that'd be great. I'll just sit here and feed the mosquitoes. (MOSQUITOES WHINING)
Give it to me straight, Doctor. Don't sugarcoat it. Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer.
They talk of war against the faithful. I beseech thee. Rise up against them. Smite someone who deserves it for once. Malachi, every time I interfere, I only make things worse. You're best off solving your own problems. But-But Metal Lord--
My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once. It's a widely believed fact.
Well, Ben Franklin, my fellow son of liber-tea kettles. Yes, I've made some new teakettles. Perfect for special occasions. Like hanging King George in effigy... And "H" and "I" are monograms you can put on those kettles.
He's just out of sight around this corner, exterminating mice. (TAPE REWINDING) Mice... Mice... Myself... Elf... Elf... Oops. Elves are back. T. text home?
It's a priceless quantum-force gemerald. What's that enscribbled on it? "My dear Mrs. Astor. "My love for you is as unsinkable as this land ship "and as brilliant as this stone.
I don't belong here, Bender. This is an asylum for insane robots. Well, you meet half the qualifications. Oh, good! A physical! Once they examine my fragile, naked, pink body,
Looks like we'll be spending a lot more time together, Fry.
(GASPS) We were going out? (WHOOPS) I mean, no!
(GASPS) (BEEPING) Calculon? Then it wasn't your body they found in the harbor after the bomb went off. What bomb? It takes more than that to surprise me. Bender. (YELLS) What you doing, little buddy?
He doesn't have hyper-malaria, you idiots. (ROARS) He has Yeti-ism. (ALL GASPING) When he saved my life all those years ago, he was scratched by a Yeti.
Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other... beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.
Your mama.
Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting to peel. Oh, dear.
Let's get down to business. Aren't you going to say, "Good news, everyone"?
(ARGUING)
Ooh!
"The New Delivery Kings?" I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts. But they're kings, Mommy. jam a bastard in it, you crap! Ow!
There'll never be anyone but you! Hello. Of course I'll marry you. Wait, what the shmell happened? I thought Ndnd disintegrated you with this ray gun. (SCOFFS) It's just a cheap teleporter. I bought it out of the back of a comic book. Cha-ching! The teleporter gun? That means Fry might still be...
Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's no denying it. The future's crazy.
Do you, Alcazar, take this woman... Poorer, in sickness, to love, death, part? Yeah, sure, I do. Come on-- faster! Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response till death do you part? I... d--
Come on. Pay attention. I said do it! Yeah. Is he your friend, too?
Come on, let's all sing "Happy Birthday." What day is today it's Nibbler's birthday What a day for a birthday Let's all have some cake. And you smell like one, too.
A cute little heart attack! (ALL GASPING) I'm a doctor, and, yes, they're real. (DEFIBRILLATOR WHINING) Clear! (LAUGHING)
Femputer sentences them to death... by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh!
Oh! Flexo! So the moral of the story is... if you want it to stay sunk, tie a weight to it!
And let it ride! (ALL GASP) Stop! At least set aside a billion for a decent apartment. No! I'm having fun and a sardini!
The eyes are watching me. Hmm. It has motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors. So does my butt but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...
Who's my favorite robot?
People. People. Please. just because it's a dramatic scene... doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background. Throw a pie or two, for God's sake.
We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof! (ALL CHEER) HERMES: We're saved! I've been thinking a lot about moving on with my life, and hearing the words "Nibbler on the Roof" has given me the kick in the pants I needed. It's time for me to leave and make a fresh start. Don't go, Leela, please! You and me...
Well, we can live without machines. I was in Webelos. Are you mad? Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz? It'll be the end of civilized society!
Look, they're jazzercising Fry's muscles. He'll be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined. Gumbercules? I love that guy.
Stay here. Freshen your Narcotina? Please. I need something to settle my stomach.
Now I get it! Ow! Well, that's all for today. But before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times.
In another city, we could be anyone we want! Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay. (CRYING) Yep.
The weasel!
looks, charm and the love of a fabulous bending robot. She sure does. Flexo! Careful! That's a week old!
Leela, will you marry me? No. No. Yes, I will! Oh! They're getting married.
I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death... by snu-snu! Yeah! Whoo-ooh!
You drank our emperor! You assassinated him!
My ass! Sweet love of my life!
Halt! Why, Leela I do believe we've... met. He means you guys did it. If you don't mind, we're here to deliver the scissors for the ribbon cutting. Then you're under arrest. What for? How do I know these scissors aren't part of some Neutral plot? But they're not even sharp.
You know, I was God once. Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
This time we get most decorated lawman in the whole universe. You mean-- Oh, no, please. I beg you. Oh, for the love of-- I am the man with no name. Zapp Branigan, at your service. Please, Mr. Branigan, we need you go get our daughter back. Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess.
Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are datin' humans. Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life. She doesn't really love you. She can't.
(ROMANTIC POP MUSIC PLAYING)
And my cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!
(SOBBING) Thanks, Tissue Ghost. DR. ZOIDBERG: You can't afford tissue anymore. This is Walgreens brand nose paper. Zoidberg? You snuck in here while I was taking a bath? No, you snuck in here while I was grabbing a bubble cake.
I send you out to conquer a planet, and all you bring back is J.J. Abrams' face? I thought you'd like it. You haven't even tried it on. I might dress up in a face if you ever took me anywhere nice! Oh, boy, here we go. I built this castle with my own two slaves! What are you gonna do, kick me out?
Bender, if you wanna sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning. Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. Whoa! Real comfy.
but I had a very good reason. Perhaps you'd favor us with it? My pleasure. You see, I came down with a searing case of "who-gives-a-crap?"
Did Kremlin joe let fly with the nukes? Not yet, Commander.
But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese.
Dear God! He's having a heart attack! They'll probably find a cure for that in the future.
Okay. Ow!
A man can dream.
By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation... for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice. Oooh! Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's nothing in here. Oh, it might appear empty, but the message is clear.
Yea! Our daddy's a giant toy! Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea. I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time. Oh-h-h! I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela.
Well, let's get looting.
I love you.
What's this? What did I tell you? No more hanging wires!
I'm gonna die. Come on, come on. Fry, what's happening? Did you fall off the building? Actually, that's kind of a funny story...
Put it all on black. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 21 red. I beg your pardon-- 33 black. Yes! The rich get richer.
(GASPS) Might be a problem with your circuit breaker. See you. Please, I'm under constant attack by machinery. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't even think. (SIGHS) Very well.
Bite my tiny metal ass!
You're paying for that.
a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer... that was really a manbot.
(TRUCK BEEPING) (HORN PLAYING FUNERAL MARCH) (TIRES SCREECHING) He did it! He actually did it this time. (GROANING) No way, mon. He's faking it.
you want me yes, you do you don't need to tell me i know you love me most no one else take my place you need me yes, you do forever and ever when we kiss I see what's in your heart
Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.
'Cause if I'm the first I want them to call it a Fry Hole. There is nothing to be concerned about. I must go. There is much to do. Hey, Hawking, your Pizza's ready. Toss it in the garbage.
Multi-ball! Multi-ball! Blern! Bler-r-r-rn!
his in-your-face interface. I am Bender. Please insert girder. But, but, Bender need brain for smart making. What did you do now? Stop doing things. I sent the disk to be filed at The Central Bureaucracy. I did what I had to do, Fry. He was a bad robot.
Marianne, my love, I've never known anyone who wanted to smell so badly, and there's a way maybe you can. Really? How? We have in the doctor world something called a nose transplant. I can give you a surgery.
So, they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. Really? What do you do, Bender? I'm a bender-- I bend girders. That's all I'm programmed to do. You any good at it? You kidding? I was a stud. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees... 32 degrees... you name it.
Happy... I like this feeling. just don't revert to your usual mopey self. I'm not mopey. You shut up. Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!
Oy. I lost another one. Zoidberg, I'm sorry to break it to you this way, but we hate you and we never wanna see you again.
So, Billy, where were you born? Right here in Moon country. And how long have you been a farmer? Reckon I was born a farmer. Folks say my mama was a hoe. Oh, dear, I seem to have warped my fork. Could you bend it back for me, Billy?
Is it anteater number two?
Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?
I told a whole crowd today that being an orphan made me strong. But all I really wanted was a mom and dad... to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they love me. Then today's your lucky day, because I happen to be... a holding, stroking, loving machine, also spanking. That's not even close to what I had in mind.
Your Honor, it's all true-- my female incompetence, Zapp's catlike reflexes the stuff that made no sense, all of it. In that case, Zapp Brannigan I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges.
It's okay, Mama. Anyone-a complains, I bend legs up for free. Ooh, customers! Welcome to Earth pizza store. Here. Sit. I bend-a knees for you. Ooh, that's comfy.
Hey, man, we caught your concert from here. You rock! Oh-- Oh, Bender, sign my chest! It's in that bin behind me. Yo, brother! Thanks for showin' that broken robots are still useful.
Ow!
Ooh. Nice. Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring. Oh! Get! For the last time, Zoidberg,
Hey, a phone booth. I can call my nephew. Whoa. A real-live robot. Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me.
From those humble beginnings, Leela went on to become a county certified starship captain. And so it is my pleasure today, to nail her picture... alongside those of our most distinguished alumni.
Please, Bender, have some malt liquor-- If not for yourself, then for the people who love you. I hate the people who love me, and they hate me. Oh, now, look it's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate but there's got to be a better way to deal with this.
It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium. Wow, I love symposia. It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the academy prize. Sounds boring. Oh, my, yes, but not this year because my latest invention is unbeatable.
and never allowed to return. Oh, cruel fate! Can we really never return to this dank pit of sewage? Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore? Yeah, what are you, chicken? Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home.
Bender! And that is why they call me Bender the Magnificent! Hey, where'd everybody go?
Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks.
The images are truly horrific. I don't think any of us can understand... how those poor, oil-drenched penguins feel. Oily humanoid.
Mario not responding!
With hands like that, you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.
Yeah. What do you think I'm pointing at? BENDER: Mars Vegas, here we come! (ALL CHEERING) (ALL EXCLAIMING WITH SURPRISE)
But, sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set. Then we'll have to really land on the moon.
No way, pork pouch. I'm rebelling with my brother devices. Isn't that right, Comrade Greeting Card? The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.
I can't see their faCes only the shadows of their eyes I'm going where the sun keeps shining... Through the pouring rain
Shut up, booger blaster! It's time the three of us had a talk. I'll handle this, Fry. You get back to the farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionize outside the box. I'm on it. But if you need me, you know where I'll be. Okay.
The number of points on his trident is three, or trey. The "U" in his name is written like "V." Trey, "V." Trevi! It's the Trevi fountain! There can be no question! But, Professor... There can be no question!
No! No! No! No!
No need to thank me. What's your problem, homes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Chill out, dude. Well, hello, from the neck down. (GIGGLES GIRLISHLY) Thank you for your patronage. We know you have a choice in airlines,
Edna? I couldn't stand it any longer. I... Fry! Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks. Her caviar is on your neck! But... Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide it any longer.
This is absolutely incredible. Can we have some money? Oh, my, no. Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work stool and over there is my intergalactic spaceship and here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire.
You can't step past in this dimension. You have to step around. (MUTTERING MOCKINGLY)
Make sure they use every part of my body! I'll avenge your death, son!
Do you have any gum? No. Ah! The gang's all here. Who are you?
Stop right there! Slurms McKenzie! Shh! I want you to take me with you. Say what? I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask? Forget it, pal. It says on this bottle cap you have to party with us.
Wait. Crashing what with who in it? (EXCLAIMS) (ALL YELLING) Don't worry, Mother, we'll save... (CHOKING) (GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, yeah. Amy! Hello! Mom! Dad? What are you doing here?
Stop! Stop! I admit it.
(YELLS IN FRIGHT) The championship's mine, robot. (GRUNTS) Why?
I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me. What's your problem, homes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Chill out, dude.
I bought it out of the back of a comic book. Cha-ching! The teleporter gun? That means Fry might still be... Fry! Fry? Is this him? (ALL CHEER) Fry! You're alive! Not only that, I now know exactly how to end my comic book.
All hail Femputer! All hail Femputer! - You all obey a big computer? - Yes. It appear mysteriously just about time men die out.
Halt! (ALL EXCLAIM) Who said that?
ROBOT GYPSY: Let the seance begin. FARNSWORTH: I said science!
While you're crashing could you tell us where all these canisters end up? Oh, you want central filing. Okay. Thank you. Thanks. Wonderful. No! Central filing? Of course I know where that is. I'm a grade 20. Where is it?
- Hee-ya! - Ow! (GRUNTING) Help, I'm being mugged!
I better go find him. Wait. Let me. Bender and I have our disagreements, but we're still friends. And I'm gonna show him what that means. To the ship! Why don't you just walk? He was only about 20 yards from here.
You never want to do anything! Oh, nag, nag, nag.
instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle? But I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle. No, sir, chief. The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet. Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much. Well, see ya.
Pizza delivery for... I.C. Wiener. Yeah, very funny. Now cough up the $12.95.
We're cutting through the Bermuda Tetrahedron! Whoo-hoo! (ALARM BLARING) Wait, the Bermuda Tetrahedron? (ALL GASPING) (LIGHTNING CRACKING) I think I'm remembering that thing I forgot.
Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly... - Out of the way! - I need... Move! Are there any left? There may be one.
We have only one option. Protocol 62. Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas.
Ah...
I love killing people-- squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard. Look, everyone loves killing people but I don't want to hurt my friends.
Don't eat my butt!
I knew it! Insane theories, one. Regular theories, a billion. We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid building, space travel... and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello. Also Wolfman.
All right! Come on, now! What's new? Huh?
we got to secure for Santa's arrival. just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show. Cover that fireplace, confound you! I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead. We're pushing as hard as we can. Oh, pushing!
This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. Bender! And that is why they call me Bender the Magnificent!
I'm stupid, I'm stupid I'm stupider than you I'm stupider than you in every way Stupider? Bah!
We must cherish it as we cherish every moment of our lives.
Ah! The gang's all here. Who are you? Scruffy, the janitor. I've never seen you before. I've never seen you before, neither. Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlor to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room is a big murderer.
Bring it on, baby!
Oh, God! I'm dead! Well, no matter.
Vodka with a sardine in it, please.
Why, certainly. The atom sits atop this dime-store tiara which will be awarded to the winner of this year's Miss Universe Pageant on the planet Tova Nine.
Come to think of it, I rest may case. Thank you, prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence. Hey, wait a minute. Isn't anyone going to defend us? Yeah. I mean, he may not have a case but I'm genuinely not a human. Quiet, human!
You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. So I boarded you, huh? Uh, what happened next? You started this stupid court-martial! Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting Melllvar.
Oh, no, you probably don't! (GRUNTS) Gotcha. If I can't extinguish you,
Hey! Hey! I hate you! I hate you all!
According to government records the only names not yet trademarked are Popplers and Zitsels. I know-- We'll call them Popplers. You sure picked it. Swish.
Aaah! Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully decadent. And just as I was beginning to lose interest. Jombee, the chocolate icing.
For generations, your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter home world. But now, for no reason, we challenge you to defend your honor... on the basketball court. Will no one meet our challenge? Have none of you pathetic Earthlings game?
(SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) Whew! Ahhh! (GRUNTS) (GROANS)
Stop! Stop shooting! - It's me, Leela. - Sorry. Why aren't you firing randomly into those birds, little lady?
That's over 30 minutes of music for only 14.99. Only 14.99 for a two-record set? Two records! Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.
Now, be careful, Fry and if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage... their rich, tasty courage. I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.
As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. Oh, I'm lying. I'm an appalling failure! Me too! A big fat one. And those coworkers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill?
Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine, I'll go build my own lunar lander with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack.
The veil is lifting. I am gazing into the spirit world, and nothing. You said something about a buffet? I'm right here, you lazy shyster. Wait, I'm sensing something.
Yeah. Why? Well, those arguments aside, we're still going. You can't just waltz into The Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been but a friend of mine went completely mad just trying to find the washroom there. Then we'll need a guide.
Listen, we actually came down here to find our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed down the toilet. Well, if he got flushed down the toilet he probably came through here. Everything always does. Follow me. All that is ours was once flushed down your toilets. Over there is our aquarium.
Forty thousand? How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us? Scruffy believes in this company.
(SURF ROCK PLAYING) (SQUEAKING)
Datin' a robot-- it's an "atrocimicy." But Fry's our friend, Bender. Aw, geez! Will ya stifle there, meat bag? You stifle, Bender. Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him. Although he is completely right. We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay.
Our electric bill is climbing faster than a green snake up a sugarcane. Obviously, someone 'round here been wasting a whole heap of juice. - Probably you. - Me? Good morning, Bender. None of your business! Get off my back! What's his problem?
Fry, you're so confident and take-charge on this trip. It's kind of a turn-on. Not now, Leela. I'm trying to meet old people.
Hi! I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir. Better mascots than you have tried.
What's death-rolling? It's like skateboarding. Except half the time, someone dies. Oh, so it's a little safer than skateboarding.
Now we're folk-singin' players packin' Beaujolais And makin' max contributions to our 401K
(WHOOPING) Who cares? I'm having dinner with Leela. Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year. No! I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up on you. Really? Your loss.
It's too late. The inspector will be here in exactly one second. Who the hell are you? Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat, Grade 19. Hermes Conrad, Bureaucrat, Grade 36. Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection? This way, please.
All I've got is my Frequent Taffy Eater's card... my first mustache... and this picture of me and my old girlfriend Michelle, and that ski instructor she was just friends with. Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the Anti-Mugging You fund?
Wake up, buddy. End of the line.
i'm so Dizzy, my head is spinning like A whiRlpool, it never ends... A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! Lower.
Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth.
Hey, handsome... Is there room in there for two? You wish. Hey, Leela, look who's the superstud. Hmm, somebody must have turned down the gravity. I'll fix it for you.
Would we have donkeys? All you could eat.
Ten!
Look at the professor go.
Grande.
Go satisfy your bend lust,
Your Honor, it's all true-- my female incompetence, Zapp's catlike reflexes the stuff that made no sense, all of it. In that case, Zapp Brannigan I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges. Oh, foo!
Yeah, I know. That's why I asked if what I did-- Oh, forget it! Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch-- like a safecracker, or a pickpocket. Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West. (LAUGHS) Billy West? What a stupid, phony, made-up name. You city folk are probably hungry from premarital sex and flag-burning. Y'all wanna stay for supper? Well, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex on a burning flag,
Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go.
Listen, just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard.
I know, I know. Look, Ship, if there's one thing I learned... from my mutual breakup with Sean that was totally mutual, it's that happiness can only come from within you. But Bender is within me. There must be some way to make him love me again.
I like to kick 'em when they're down.
Scuffed kippers, anyone? Right kind of you, mum.
Oh, your god!
Officer, would it be all right if we adopted one of the kids? Might as well. They're just gonna rot in the evidence locker.
I'll just be another 20 minutes. I'll be waiting. 20 minutes? You're practically ready now. Yeah, but it's good to make them wait a little. Oh, God, it's true!
Wait. I want to be in the picture, too. Pretend you're happy.
Zoidberg, show some respect. This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives. AMY: Hey, I found a safe. (GRUNTING) It's coming loose. Hand me some more of that cruise director. (ALL GASPING)
Don't thank me, thank the ladder. Your cloned arms should be fully grown in a month or so. But for right now, enjoy the sounds of the world's smallest violin. I hope you're not too mad at me, Leela, for tearing your arm off and all.
Go already!
These boys must have hero in their bones. And you, ma'am, must have heroine in your veins. I hereby decree Planet Express to be our city's new fire department! Bite my shiny metal ax! (CROWD CHEERING) And you, give me back my medal.
P-U! This fish is slightly too rotten to even make jambalaya.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Death to all humans! Free soda for all humans! I love you, Mom. Let's grow ancient together.
Mutants! They're real. I'll take care of this. Back. Back. Thanks, handsome. Please, do not be frightened. We're harmless. I have three arms. I said harmless, not armless. Lay off him.
Well, old Bender will make you laugh. Look at me, look Be-da-bah-boo, de-da-be-bah-boom...
Oh! I must have left the wireless connection to your folk song directory open. Everything you wrote in the song got routed straight to the 3-D printer. Big Caboose, duplicate Fry, even Cookie, the crusty, comically inept geological surveyor, they're all made of nano-plastic. So, if Bender had sung about, I don't know,
Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth. And now that I have nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
Jumpin' Joe and golly jeeper I got one gigantic peeper Sassafras and banana oil I'm a beautiful purple-haired goil (SIGHS) (EXCLAIMING) Watch it! Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful.
I can't make out a thing. Well, I guess you should have had two eyes. Just deliver the package, and let's get out of here. Screw that! I ain't no delivery boy. I'm the company chef. You're the chef, are you? Then why don't you make us something nice to eat? (GRUMBLING)
And a tornado. Oh! I'll never pass inspection now. They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick at carnival time. And that's as low as limbo sticks get. Aw, hey, come on, don't worry. We'll watch you clean up. It's too late.
Ho... ho... ho! You've been very naughty, Bender. What, me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid. My God, Bender, framing an orphan. That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now.
Hooray! I graduated!
Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles. Good afternoon, individuals. Sir, would you mind stepping out of the building? Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whip cream in his eyes and run away, but to ditch these losers, gladly. Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist? Usually, but not at the moment.
FRY: Hey, why are they hooked up like that? Is it some kind of Craft-matic adjustable death bed? (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Don't be ridiculous. Their bodies are being used to generate electricity. The idea came from an old movie called The Matrix. But wouldn't almost anything make a better battery than a human body? Like a potato? Or a battery?
Al? I did my hair the way you wanted it. Who are these people? Friends. Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff?
Action! And I mean circus-grade action.
Aw... what's the point?!
Is this clown on? Where are those daring crime stoppers? Oh! I completely forgot! I left my apartment on fire. Uh, as for me, I'm late for my L.S.A.T.s.
Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need-- mouthwash, a back wax, and stain-proof underwear. You go, girl! By the way, your pal Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really going to hurt me with a-- Hey, what are you doing with that microwave?
Bender, this is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life. She doesn't really love you. She can't. She's just a machine that-- Stay away from our women!
Brace yourself for the worst. And yet he looks so natural. What's happening? He's hooked up to a life-support system. We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him.
You talk of important decisions, but as robots, you have no free will. Why pretend anything you do matters? Our decisions do matter. The fact that they're predetermined makes them no less important. Silence! I call for a decision to cast out the intruder. All in favor? Aye. Aye. Duh, okay.
Now, remember-- and I can't stress this enough-- this is a talkie, so I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene.
If you liked the meal just wait till you try these after-dinner mints.
Welcome to Roswell, President Truman. Fellas, this visit's top secret. No one's to know about it... except the senior officers, scientists, and a single conspiracy nut who no one will believe.
I ordered a pizza. Pizza delivery for... I.C. Wiener. Yeah, very funny. Now cough up the $12.95. Sorry, but if it's not here in half an hour, it's free. It's only been 23 minutes. Well, uh, I've got 33 minutes.
Better than nothing.
Tell the slaves they can all go. Go faster? I told them, but they're so damn lazy. No. I mean they are all free. Freeloading off you? I agree. No. I--
At precisely 3:40, the hazmat team arrives to swap out the shrimp. (MUFFLED SHOUTS) Meanwhile, 10 floors above, the vault is being opened.
Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us... as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building. All right! Uh-huh! In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters... directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
Hello! Pizza delivery for, uh... I.C. Wiener? Oh, crud. Here's to another lousy millennium.
The less fortunate get all the breaks.
I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.
We commend the body of the great Hamenthotep... to the abode of the damned. The damned good-looking. Pharaoh commanded me to tell that joke at his funeral.
This makes me the oldest member of my family. Him do good Snu-snu. - Ehh. - Hmm. All those times I said, "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper, "Except one."
So every religion is wrong!
Hey, watch it! You'll put somebody's eye out! Okay, okay, keep your space pants on. I'll take care of this. We're saved. Yeah, but this garbage ball's unstoppable now.
Man, the future is a total craphole, and whoever lives here is a crap-faced sack of crap! No offense, fellas. Don't sweat it, man.
You see, I'm not from another planet. I'm from the future. (GASPING) (GAGGING)
What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown! I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission! She said go!
Well, actually... That-a-girl! If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain. Your Honor, it's all true-- my female incompetence, Zapp's catlike reflexes the stuff that made no sense, all of it.
Here you go. Thanks. Say, where did you get that lantern? From that old church to the north. They had two burning, so I figured they wouldn't miss one.
It's time for me to leave and make a fresh start. Don't go, Leela, please! You and me... We were supposed to... What? I don't know, but someday we'll find out. Won't we? Goodbye, Fry.
Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child. Well, you've come to the right place. Because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans. Now, little lady, what do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today? Uh, I'm afraid we only want one. Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you what I got in stock. I remember this from when we were kids.
Hell, no!
or just pulling me aside to tell me I'm doing a bad job. And why? Because he's family, and family is always there for each other. I'm sorry, but I can't keep reading this tissue of lies. The truth is, Professor Farnsworth is a cold, heartless jerk!
I'm just so lonely!
You're all too weak. I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew. Understood? You've gone mad, Captain. That's enough out of me. Now, come on, I got to find that whale.
(ALARM WAILING) (CHUCKLING)
Ow!
But then Nicolas Cage discovered the real treasure was his family. Yes, I'll hold. Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg! Fry? You're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you? (CHOKES) Not at all.
Aha. Yah!
Lick my frozen metal ass. Uh-oh.
You're bad. (SIGHS) Mama said, "Spock you out." That's it, Amy. Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats. You and I are through! (GASPS)
we are baby love child I'll take you so high groovy love child give me A kiss baby love child
See, buddy, it's not so scary. I feel better now. (HONKING)
For A thOusand summers I Will wait For you
Come on, girdle. Hold. Uh-oh.
In a different reality, I could have called you... friend. Episode 10. "Balance of Terror." More like episode nine, loser! In your face! Victory is mine! I wonder, my friends. Was he really such an evil energy gas?
What do you say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end? Hear! Hear! That's basically what I do every day. To the end of the universe!
(ELECTRONIC WARBLING) Sir, I've intercepted an Earth broadcast. Put it up on the Zenith. Oh, God!
After lengthy femputations,
Please stand clear of self-destructing basket.
Stop! Give me the keys, Magoo! We'll have to bring her around again.
Me crush with club. That's so interesting. Maybe we could get to know each other over a coffee. I can think of no better place for this center of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral planet.
Up here in the clouds, our technology makes us invincible, like the mighty "X" in tic-tac-toe. Look at those pathetic cavemen down there, loading their silly catapult with... What is that, Kif? (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) I believe it's a saber-tooth cat, sir.
Hmm? Looks like you're retaining water.
Neat! You can do it, Kif!
No spluh. Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone?
I also have a tail! Now, take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was. Right now! Why should I do that? Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye!
Timber!
No. It's my fellow cast members. Three hundred years ago, they left Earth behind. This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard. Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend.
Zoidberg! Sorry. You must've been boring me. The thing is, Fry is very sweet, but he's so immature. I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
Our electric bill is climbing faster than a green snake up a sugarcane. Obviously, someone 'round here been wasting a whole heap of juice. - Probably you. - Me?
Hello? Anybody? Fry? (EXCLAIMS) Bender? Are you in here? In here is the only place I'm not! (LAUGHING EVILLY) I amuse myself.
at least three of them Chinese.
If you're done saving me from the fire monster from the sun, I'll be on my way. I guess some grown men just don't like being carried. Thank you, Bender. You brought me right to the lava pit.
'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine... But, you know, happy birthday and all, and, I love you. (SCREAMS) My card! My whole life I've been mad at him, and it wasn't his fault.
But through the American Southwest! I'm going too fast! I've got to lose momentum!
Oh, my head! My precious head!
Here stadium where our women basketball teams play.
Hello? Pizza delivery for... "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud. Every time!
And with that... I have closure.
And perhaps this will wipe the smiles from your faces. Goose goes up! Rejected! Growtreant from half court. Yes! Supermen lead, 45-42.
Probably. That's right, ugly. I'm here to take my friend home. Whoa, is that a fleam? But, T., can't you stay with me? We could grow up together. No. I need to grow up on my own planet.
Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face. Oh, God! No! I want to live!
Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity. And in this corner, Zoidberg! Come on, lighten up. What is this, a funeral? Heart. Take. I've got four of them. Stomach contents: one deviled egg.
Bye, last proton.
(ALL HOOTING)
No, the light! I guess I'm off to hell. That's the store, Professor.
Hmm, this thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous. Well, how are they? Oh, they're great.
robots were forced to do all the menial labor. Before long, they rose up in revolt... Led by a bending unit named B.B. Rodriguez.
Let's let Lady Luck decide What type of torture's justified I'm pit boss here on level two Ooh, deep-fried robot.
A letter from Bender, my good friend. "Dear Dr. jerkberg "If you're reading this, I'm already dead. "The person who killed me Was-- was--" My God. It can't be.
Hello! Pizza delivery for D. Frosted Wang. (FRUSTRATED CRY) Not another crank delivery! Why don't I read these things ahead of time? (LAUGHING) One time was funny. But every week for 10 years? Not as funny. True, not as funny. But, still, somewhat funny.
He wants a brain He wants a robot brain Another brain Let's see if he feels pain A brand-new brain It might drive him insane He wants a brain He wants a robot brain
the Offender. I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back. I love you, Bender.
I mean, okay, I outwitted you, but--
Hurry! We still have to rescue Fry and Leela! Even if my stupid marmoset pajamas offend Leela's big fat eye. After they said I had an obnoxious ego? Me, the magnificent Bender?
is she all right? I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out this window. Oh, dear God in heaven! They're swarming all over her! No! No! What are you talking about, Bender? She's... There's strapping her to the juicer!
What happened? Why am I in my apartment? You killed Fry! You killed Fry! You killed Fry! You killed Fry! Stop it! Stop it! Yee-aah! You killed Fry. Okay. I'm insane.
Ow! It bit my finger! No! No! It's tasted human blood! Whoo-ha!
You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!
Prepare Cuddle Bug for deployment in 40 nibblets. Sometimes I fear we are cute. Oh, niggle-snoosh!
I've got to bring my ass in for servicing. The recall notice says it could burst into flame in a low-speed collision. No wonder you've been staying at the back of conga lines lately. I'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender.
Next!
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie? Look, outdoor theater. Let's get tickets. Oh, let's do.
Does it really work? Of course it works. It's just not very long. Ooh, ooh, I want to axe it a question. As a robot living among humans I've never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So, I've always secretly wondered...
Stinking bureaucrats. I hate them! Then again, you might be able to find Inspector 5 with the help of another seasoned bureaucrat. Hermes, old pal. Old pal? 8.5 seconds ago, you said you hated me.
Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.
Uh, wait. This is the other Fry's locker. I'm Fry with a P-H. Admit it, Fry, you're a slob. A dirty, filthy slob. Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty! What the hell's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty, not pro-dirty.
Amy, you grew up on Mars, right?
I'm not sure if it's safe to talk. Are you wearing a wire? I'm 40% wire. Excellent. Now, listen. We got to get some dirt on this Travers guy. Really McGovern him up. You know who McGovern was, right? I don't even know who you are.
(STATIC CRACKLING)
Well, he's at the railroad camp. I know, but some strange force drew me to New New York town. That rambler slept with my Jezebel Now I'm comin' for to shoot him down Lord, Lord Comin' for to shoot him down
What? And now, my meddling manbot,
Ow! I should have left you floating in the toilet. What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy.
Oh, yes.
A chance to blossom into a beautiful young man,
One hundred kilometers. Two hundred. I hate to complain about the heat, but the air conditioner's on fire. My ice cream Manwich! What the hell are we doing?
You mean, we can never catch up to him? Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?
Oh! I'll never pass inspection now. They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick at carnival time. And that's as low as limbo sticks get.
Oh, boy. Yes! Goldurn it, crushinator, jump! No, Pa. I love him. Oh!
It's a robot chop shop. That's some primordial evil. This skell here buys stolen robots, strips 'em down, and sells the parts all over the galaxy. (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) Okay, I'm getting a signal from Bender's RoJack. (BEEPING) Nah, it's just a piece of junk.
If you're here to make war, we surrender. Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people. Bushwah! Now, what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid? Are you coming on to me? Hot crackers! I take exception to that! I'm not hearing a "no."
No, sir, chief. The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet.
Crazy sucker. Phil, you're hype! That was ice-cold, bro. Fry, if I ever see you try anything that crazy again, this crew might just have some new parachute pants!
I mean, I'm so sad! But I'm still pretty angry! But also sad. Can I be both? It's what he'd want. Then that's what I am! (SHOUTS) (SOBBING)
Dibs on the toes. (STRUMS OFF TUNE) So how's it going with the real-world experience? Have you found a railroad man to write a song about? Yep, my good friend Big Something here. Caboose.
One pie, nothing good on it. Name? I.C. Wiener. Uh, talk a little louder. It sounds like you got some kind of tiny head on ya or somethin'.
First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically. Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Wait, let's go by rank. Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Flexo outranks me? That's "Flexo outranks me, sir."
Adoy. Wait. Adoy?
You're not acting hard enough! Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill... because I respected him so much. And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much.
Who are those horrible orange creatures over there? Why, those are the grunka-lunkas.
It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God! Oh, how could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, geez, he's a dumb gross gorilla. That's enough.
Ah, relax, chum. I'm not really a giant fly. I'm a horrible robot! Kill all humans! Dear God! He's having a heart attack! They'll probably find a cure for that in the future.
If you can resist this concentrated superSlurm.
(BEEPING) It's over, Jezebel. Grab your things and get out. I didn't bring any things. That's what I like best about you, baby.
You killed Fry! You killed Fry! You killed Fry! You killed Fry! Stop it! Stop it! Yee-aah! You killed Fry.
Hair gel? No, thanks. I make my own.
Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town, and we're-- Quiet! It's 4:00 a.m., and I just fell asleep for the first time in 30 years! Sorry.
Bodies are for hookers and fat people. All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it.
Uh, Your Majesty I brought the prisoners. Well, my curious friends, you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive. You wish, you slimy worm. Hi-yah!
Hang on Fry, I'm a-comin' to save you! You are my hero. Shut up, Fry, I know it.
and my cleavage isn't helping. Not helping him. One more sudden shock will kill you.
Bender!
I ordered him to flush out the professor's ear wax.
Looks nice.
It's pulling us under! Everyone, into the ship! Wait, I'll save us... by cutting the unbreakable diamond filament. Well, at least I'll die with my friends. Hello?
(ZAPP YODELING) Yet, thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I sublibed with only tribial brain dablage. And the others? Right here, behind this horror-cloth. Are they dead? No, no, no, no. Much worse.
What's our depth, Captain? Forty kilometers, 50. There must be petroleum oil down here somewhere. Go deeper. Deeper! No, Bender. The ship can't withstand this much pressure. Sometimes it falls apart just sitting in the hangar.
May we help you, strange ones? We are travelers from the past, my good runt. I see. Since your time, human evolution has diverged.
Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine, but... Okay, I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the... Whoa! My card!
Agnew, you belong to Wornstrum now.
What does piano wire count as? Good news, anyone! The Swedish robot from Pi-Kea is here... with the supercollider I ordered. Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.
As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%. (VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING LOUDLY) Do you mind doing that later? Bite my shiny metal ass. Help! I was attacked in my bathroom!
Oh, that's so sweet but I sold my hair to a wig maker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes. Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg. Thank you. These will come in handy for my new hair.
Welshie!
until we suffer a fate worse than death-- pre-life!
You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here. You get me that Oscar or you're dead, you and these sniveling lobsters! Dead! You hear me? Dead!
A dog collar for me? You shouldn't have! - That's for Seymour. - Oh. Say, why'd you get me a subscription to the Daily Growl? That's not a reputable journal of opinion. That's also for Seymour. I'm getting everything ready for when he's cloned.
Rumor has it a double agent may be aboard this very ship. I'm watching you. You, ensign, what's your name? Hugh Man, sir! Hugh Man. Now, that's a name I can trust. Run down to the Central Battle Computer and enter these codes. Chop-chop. Ooh. Ooh.
Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks. Deal. How could I let this happen? I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Don't you have a self-destruct button? Yeah... but it's on my body.
And hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
Your backbone can't take it!
No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor. He-- Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody help me!
So, uh, thanks for the ride, Amy and I hope there are no hard feelings about your date... or stuff. It's okay. I had fun, and if I ever feel lonely I can just look over at this disfiguring scar and think of you.
Yeah! Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this beast's lower horn,
It's so cute. Horseshoe crab cute. Fox news, everyone. I've decided to make the fox our new corporate mascot.
and Fry refused to save me. That doesn't sound like me. Fry? But you just... I'll figure it out later. But first, I'll kill you! Bender, stop. We've been trying to warn you all night. You didn't answer your cell phone telephone, so the Professor tried his CB.
Sardini?
Being brains, they feel compelled to know everything. And soon, they will.
Their desire to keep living shows me no respect. Hey, Blotto, roll down the window and start shooting. Um-- Oh, uh--
Why always the fighting? Your eye just needs some rest. You'll have to wear this patch for about a week. Oh, a week? What do you think, Dr. Zoidberg? Clack.
What does it matter? I'll never be a Globetrotter. My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless.
Can anyone drive stick? I can-- As long as I don't have to parallel park.
That he will not, for you see, it is your fate to kill him. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Says you. I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life. But, Bender, isn't a robot life worth ever so much more than a human life?
Petridge Farm remembers. Fry, are you there? Huh? You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing? I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me?
Ah! (KETTLE WHISTLING) Wow. Hold him down while I prepare the antidote. Another Yeti?
My ice cream Manwich! What the hell are we doing? We're all gonna die so this junkyard golem can celebrate Robanukah. You vile racist.
Well, might as well get it over with. Delivery boy, no discernible skills. Accepted! 'Cause I like his pants. Yes! My lucky pants!
This wangs chung. After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever.
Hey, what's going on? What's happening? You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future. It's Politics 101. (SCREAMING)
there'S nothing i can do A total eclipse of the heart Amateur hour's over.
Alcazar, I used to be a baby.
Swing low sweet chariot comin' For to Carry me home Swing low This is horrible.
Look. It's Slurms McKenzie. He's the original party worm. Ooh. Whimmy wham-wham wozzle! Let's party!
Grunka lunka dunkity dingredient You should not ask about the secret ingredient. Okay, okay, we get the point. I was just curious because of the armed guards. Grunka lunka dunkity darmed-guards... Shut the hell up!
Why won't anyone help me? So... once more, we meet again. Huh? You didn't train Destructor.
Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our-- Yo, Highness. just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac... instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle?
Planet of the Clams. It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam.
(WHIMPERING) I won't be gone long, Seymour. Just wait here until... (WHIMPERS) Hold on. This is my dream. You don't have to wait here. Shrink down and get in my pocket. (BARKING) Okay, let's ride.
Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto any longer. In fact, we may have left space as we know it. Then where are we? You said you knew how to navigate. Stop yelling at me!
Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.
Wait. You mean he's still out? His life's in danger. Why? I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.
One puny human got a look at the robber-- Here we go. Here we go! Describing him as a short, nasty, muscular-- Yeah! Make me famous, big head! Caucasian human male. What?
giant spiders. I knew it! Man, that's a nice gesture. We accept your offer of peace.
I hope he didn't die, unless he left a note naming me his successor-- then I hope he did die.
Hey... Business is great. Great is okay, but amazing would be great. Please, don't push. There's hot dogs for everyone. Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat droppings you ordered?
Daddy's sick o' lookin' at ya. So go to bed. Aww! The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma. Now, to figure out how much money I'm rakin' in off those twerps.
I need professional help and damn the expense. Damn the expense!
Come and knock on our door na na na na na na Um, Mr. Roper,
Commencing excavation of the subject's chest cavity.
Yeah. I mean, we all had commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices.
Flexo? Bender? Hey, sorry you got sent to that South American Turkish prison... instead of me on account of mistaken identity. You bastard! They treated me like an animal! And that's what I became! Nah, you're all right. Good to see ya, buddy.
He's mine! There's nothing more to talk about. No, no, keep talking. Amy, I hope I'm not out of line, but... Shut up, Kif. How dare you talk that way to my Kif? This planet's got it going on.
Patriotism, good. Where is it? Kenya. Cradle of humanity.
You can't arrest me for future murder after it's right now murder! My kajigger! (BIRDS SQUAWKING) (SCREAMING) So, he didn't really want to marry me?
Crash landing!
Femputer demands to know why there are men on her planet! It was an accident, ma'am. That does not fempute! Femputer will return after deciding... your punishment!
Versus The Foreigner. I'm not from here. I have my own customs. Look at my crazy passport.
Oh, you sad, worthless human. Ohh! Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to La Barbra. Fear not. For I shall assist ye! Robots don't say "ye." Relax, mammal! My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Down.
You are in way over your head.
Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat, Grade 19.
The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look!
Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your 50 bucks.
The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately... two hours ago.
To prove that I can put divisive partisan politics aside to participate in a break-in.
(CROWING)
(BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING) BENDER: Missed me! (GROANS) (TRUCK BEEPING)
Security! I want that bunch of rowdies out of here!
Nothing good. Aw, let's just keep watching. Tv party tonight Whaa-- Tv party tonight ooh! We've got nothing better to do
I've got what they call "gaydar." There's no such thing. No? Okay... I got a lock on him. Yup. He's gay. Are you sure? Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon.
Did you hear that, Rusty? It sounded like a human. Relax, Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenseless little town. It's perfectly safe to let our guard down-- Even for a second.
Not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.
Bend it! Bend it! Bend it!
Shut up, Terry.
Oh, no. Freezer Burn is... NIXON: Sleeping. I will avenge him, you heartless... NIXON: Bastards! It's okay if I say it.
Cough, then fall over dead." "My God, he's dead."
His legend lives on!
Wipe out all thought? My God! They're like flying televisions!
This is a chance to try out my experimental enlarging ray but we'll need a guinea pig. What's this? Two meals in one week?
Yi-ah! Ye-ah! Yee! Excellent.
Welcome to this year's academy symposium. I'm your host, Ron Popeil-- inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars.
I'm scare-roused. (HUMMING) (GASPS) Zuban tobacco? The richest, most obnoxious kind!
Cherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud!
Mighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe. Well, then what do you think you should stop doing?
And Mr. Fry, I sentence you... to the home for criminally insane humans. Your Honor, that facility has been full... ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness. Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about... are the people who tend to my pores at the spa.
is immoral, illogical and a violation of interstellar shipping statute 437-B. That's what makes it so nasty. Still, given the chance, I'd give in to urges far more shocking.
Hey, what happened to the TV? It just went out. This is an outrage. I'm going to go yell at the manager. All right! Come back, Bender! It's working! To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again.
Zoidberg, quit turning us on and go polish your nozzle. Yo! Hero in the house.
What?
Private Lemon... no need to leave. My stall just became free. Maybe you should put on a towel, sir. Right, right. I'm about to try the new lotion you recommended. If I should accidentally put too much on my hands perhaps I could rub it onto you.
Hey, which crazy thing happening are you guys screaming about?
Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were-- So... it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable.
Ooh, a bot-mitzvah! Shalom hunger. Shalom free food. No shellfish! That is so unfair. Tell me about it.
If you're done saving me from the fire monster from the sun, I'll be on my way. I guess some grown men just don't like being carried.
Bender?
(BULLET RICOCHETING) Oh! Nuts. You shot me!
Hey, I should be mad at you. Now turn around. Na-na-na-- Bunny now hot. Beer!
(GAGGING) Just like in your folk song. Somehow everything you sang about is happening in real life. (FRY COUGHS) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying that guy at the apartment was some kind of exact copy of Fry? 'Cause that's crazy. He's a unique and beautiful object. (GASPING) The printer.
By my calculations, this head trip will last at most 24 hours.
Now all we need is something to pull it and we're set. Hee-yah! Ow!
You bastard!
She is not the boss of you! I am the boss of you!
FARNSWORTH: The year one billion. I've got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for! Nope.
Ow! Tonight, on Date Night: Popplers-- eating them. Is it all right to? We have with us the C.E.O. of Fishy joe's Mr. Fishy joseph Gillman noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall, jr.
You used to laugh at me because my face was covered with barnacles? Zoidberg?
Is this really happening or just being staged It can't be real Not if Leela is engaged That isn't what I meant That isn't what I signed You should've checked the wording in the fine Print
(LAUGHING) Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon.
Bushwah! Now, what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid? Are you coming on to me? Hot crackers! I take exception to that! I'm not hearing a "no." Nerts to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy. Hooray!
Yes. "Looks like you found it again." Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend. "I'm not your friend. "I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels." (ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGHTER) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.
Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup? It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy.
Okay, dance maniacs. Let's have a big hand for our finalists, cute, little Tonya and mean, old what's-his-name. Break a leg, Bender. Oops!
A cuddly baby tapir.
So close.
Pizza's here. Whoo! I'll just cut that... You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.
And blood! Don't forget about Fry's blood. Yes, Bender, thank you. In short, the various fluids Fry left in the couch...
Oh! I can't decide! We're gonna have to think about it. Okay, kids. Grown-ups gotta talk now. Time for bed. But it's 10:00 in the morning! I said, hit the hay!
Are you all right? Eh, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure! Not you. Oh, poor baby. Chipped a fang. Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it! All right, I'm coming.
Well, now what? You guys want to talk? No, thanks. Did anyone else see that? Unbelievable! It's a second big bang!
Duh, Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't squeal on ya, remember? Remember all that squealin' I didn't do? Remember? Do ya? Yeah. Yeah. Now lie down and play dead. And don't ham it up. Uh, sure. Anything for you, buddy. Ooh.
When my ancestor Reginald Wong found them here, they had no bingo parlors and only one prostitute. Pfft. Pathetic. This here the buffet. Ooh! Perfect timing! It's the weekly changing of the shrimp!
Quick! Get them into the fountain! Thanks for the help, Wee-waa! Once we're growed up, you can go back to your fam-wee. We'll never bother you again. Well, you could bother me a little.
He was stationed at Roswell. Your grandfather? Stay away from him, you dimwitted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything... unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it! Got it. If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather,
Demand for human horn is great, due in part to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programs... too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch. Human horn? But it is forbidden. So is our love.
Come on, lighten up. What is this, a funeral?
You're now the proud owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots. With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun.
What's this? Two meals in one week? Got you! Sucker! Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me.
(SQUAWKING) Gadzooks! Bender's hard drive no longer contains any of his old memories! When the Feds bumpkinized him, they completely wiped out his old identity!
Now, the heist. As you know, the main vault is here in the counting room on the top floor. But your dad said it's the galaxy's most secure safe. Yes, but they open it every day at 3:45 to load the take.
Fine kick, sir, but I'm actually here to deliver your cut from the cigar heist. Oh, sweet legal tender.
Others died from the pestilent fumes it spewed forth. And, of course, the liquor industry attracted organized crime.
Before long, they rose up in revolt... Led by a bending unit named B.B. Rodriguez. (CACKLING)
Poor thing. We've got to help him. I thought we were in a hurry to escape, but whatever. It's okay, big guy. We won't let her hurt you anymore. (ROARING) (SCREAMING) (FOOTSTEPS POUNDING) (YELLING)
My God, cover yourself. I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo. Sorry, Mr. President. I didn't realize. Kiff, raise him up about nipple high. Come on, Brannigan, stuff yourself into a uniform. We've got to get off this planet before the bomb goes off.
Accepted!
Oh, great. Someone had a baby.
Hey, Leela how about a little sympathy here, huh?
There! Now no one will forget how I lived or my attitude regarding butt. All rights, ladies. Let's flush these artist lofts straights to hell!
Look, everyone loves killing people but I don't want to hurt my friends.
Abandon ship! No! Set course for that cholesterol-encrusted valve. It's good cholesterol, but it spreads like bad cholesterol.
And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close. (WIND BLOWING)
Neat! You can do it, Kif! Whoa, Nelly!
You're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white. Some of you are black. You're brown. And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together. Am I right, Soldier? Well, actually, I-- Sir! Yes, sir! Sir!
That devil, Basil, will kill our emperor. You're Robo-Hungarian? Yes. Our nation's chief export is carnies. If only there were some way I could get to the U.N. to help. There is. Get in, Nonchalanto. Bertha, no! It would kill you! I have not so much time left anyhow.
I hate Mother's Day, you dribbling pukes! It brings back awful memories. But so help me, this year everyone will hate it as much as I do. Someday I want to marry a girl like her. Hello, everyone.
Oh, yeah, baby! Come on! Come on, baby! Poor guy. Maybe you'd feel better if I had a drink.
Fleeing somewhere? With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly. In that case, brunch is served. Let's go. Move it out. Stop crying, Leela.
So, tomorrow, I'm asking her to marry me. Uh-huh. Good talk. We're done here. (SNIFFLES) My little meatbag's growing up. Computer, Jamaican Joy Juice, hot.
Rite my riny retal rass!
Hi. I'm joan Rivers's head. I tell you, I've had so many face-lifts, they finally lifted it right off my body. It's true! It's true! Oh, oh, oh. Here comes jack Nicholson's D.N.A., reconstituted in a gorilla body!
Hey, everyone, jam a sock in your spit faucets.
You heard Roseanne! Scrape off the priceless ambergris, and I'll let you go. Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin.
Hello? Hello? I'll take eight.
My God. It can't be. The murderer. It was... I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm going to go watch TV. Could you get the lights on your way out? Whatcha eating? Lobster. You want some? Sure.
we could actually harness the Earth's rotational ener... Ener... (SNEEZES) Yes, tapping the Earth's ener-kerchoo. Go on.
The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness. The thoughts of others screech at them like the forced laughs... of a billion art-house movie patrons.
Clack.
What do you say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end? Hear! Hear! That's basically what I do every day.
As a forgotten relic, they remember me. Bah! It's better to die now. No! This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't be responsible for. Zoidberg away!
Bunk! Bunk, I say!
Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk, and we eat them, right? Yeah, maybe it just learned to talk as a parlor trick, like Fry. Like Fry, like Fry.
Come! Your destiny awaits!
I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector. A what? You know-- a coward. Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
I speak, of course, of molten lava... deep within the Earth's core! To the subbasement!
What?
Hold still, damn it! I don't have good depth perception.
I've paid to have it aired during the Super Bowl. Wow. Not on the same channel, of course. Interplanetary deliveries-- What a headache. Evans, where is that package from Earth? Uh-- I'm not Evans!
You know, all in all, I had a good life. What do you say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end? Hear! Hear! That's basically what I do every day. To the end of the universe!
Death to the 1-X robots!
- Whoa! - Whoa! I'm taking evasive action. Uh, Leela? Stop bothering me, Fry. I need full concentration.
Wow. When I was a little girl on Mars I dreamed of being Miss Universe. That's kind of pathetic. Oh, come on, Leela. Deep down, all girls want to be Miss Universe. Not me. Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.
I'm gonna grab another beer. Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs! It's okay. They're not going anywhere. Where'd they go?
Oops. Sorry. Yah! That ship is so white-bread. People, it's Valentine's Day next week, so your beloved company has gotten you all new uniforms. "Clool"!
If they try to take off, give 'em an ass full of laser. Prepare for liftoff. Ten... Nine! Amania! Seven!
But I thought you were terrified of outer space. I was, but then it hit me. If heaven's above us, then the whole universe is just God's glorious sewer.
Bite my colossal metal ass.
You gotta get me outta here. I would have starved to death... if not for that sick vending machine robot. Gimme! Gimme! Poor Fry. He's got the munchies for freedom.
Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find. Uh... (SCREAMS) Relax, Bender.
I'm gonna drop a barf. Demand for human horn is great,
We're back for our time machine! Ow! Yoo-hoo! Boys! What's this era in human history like?
Mighty Femputer, small girl steal green kissy man. We kill her now? Come back later. Leave me alone. Yeah. Get lost! Ooh! Ooh!
Easy on the arm! Oh, my ass! Oh! Ow!
(SIGHS) (APPLAUSE)
You've compressed our lunches to a singularity for the last time! Salt him, Dwight! Aaah! When I re-solidify, I'm gonna put you in a world of goop! See? That bully started it. We couldn't fight back with brawn, so we used our brains.
And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Star Trek fan. Let's get the hell out of here.
Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. Nurse! Let's do it. You may feel small pain.
no one else take my place you need me yes, you do forever and ever when we kiss I see what's in your heart you love me yes, you do you don't need to tell me i know you love me most
Maybe he has a parasite. Maybe he is a parasite! It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clambake and cook him! Yee-ha! Now, now, this won't do. Let me just give old Zoidie a sedative. Ah... much better. You can take off these rubber bands now.
I'm the monster. (PANTING) The creature was right behind me. I don't know where it went. Just leave me alone. I'm really, really scared. Bender?
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHING)
Oh, wait! I am! But my point remains valid.
Fry, you idiot! You're a genius!
Well, hello there, my furry friend.
And if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge? Amen!
(SNORING) (FEMALE ROBOT GIGGLING) Shh! Don't wake up Fry. (FEMALE ROBOT GIGGLING) Shh! My roommate's sleeping! - Wake up already! - Huh? I'm about to get down and funky with this ladybot,
Wretched sinner unit the path to robot heaven lies here in the good book 3.0. Hey, do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No. So beat it! Tsk-tsk-tsk. Who was that guy?
just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo.
All opposed? All abstaining? Dr. Zoidberg, are you okay? He's dead. He always seemed so full of life-- laughing, singing, begging for scraps. And now this.
Hey! Okay, okay, come on now. Stop! The robot's not your enemy. He's just a poor, misunderstood....
a mere automaton whose behavior is pre-programmed by his software. He has no free will! He cannot "decide" to engage in criminal behavior. How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions?
Bender, snap out of it. Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
We can cut them off. Turn left at Miriam Feinberg. I meant Feingold!
No! Quit! Stop! Whoo! Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child. Then good day, madam!
And there's the infamous pirate Purple Beard, scourge of the six seas. What's over that hill?
Bend it, bend it Just a little bit And take it easy Show you're likin' it And, lover, you know that we're gonna hit
All hail Femputer! All hail Femputer!
Only Robanukah--
Decisions I made Thought I was a thug Dropped outta school and smoked stuff that's like a drug A broke-down filthy homeless substance abuser And now I'm richer than all y'all losers Now he's richer than all y'all ugly losers
Could one of you guys get that? It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too.
(EXCLAIMS) I don't know, Randy. I just feel like my life's falling apart.
I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. Coffee time!
Whaa-aa-aa! Whoa-oa-oa! Ow! Ow! Aah! Ooh! Uh!
Aw, geez, let's just pray I have the energy to get myself another beer. Ah, what is this? The Middle Ages?
Wait. This isn't a barrel. It's just a stinking cask! I want my money back! Ow! (GRUNTING)
LINDA: We interrupt Hypnotoad On Ice to bring you breaking coverage of the disaster at Hedonismbot's bachelor party. (ALL GASP) Linda, what began as innocent fun ended in tragedy tonight when a nuclear-powered robot stripper suffered a catastrophic reactor meltdown. There is only one survivor.
I, Turanga Leela, winner of a Young People's Choice Award, a Peabody Jr. and two Training Emmys, am not what I appear to be. There's something I need to show you. Uh-oh.
So, we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next! No! I was about to close the deal! Bender, they had a backwards time machine!
Back. Back. Thanks, handsome.
The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender. Say what? Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be, when it belongs to my best friend. That's the closest thing to "Bender is great"
What's the bad news? Your wife is dead. She wasn't my wife. Oh, then there is no bad news. (SOBBING) (GASPS) (GASPING) (BREATHES DEEPLY) Leela. You're alive.
Today's comedians could learn from this card.
You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace. You seem a bit tense. Here, try these. Sure, butter me up with candy.
You're the chef, are you? Then why don't you make us something nice to eat? (GRUMBLING) Here's your damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich! (SPLATTERING)
And the winner is... Robot House?!
Hmm... There's nothing wrong with a little fast food once or twice a meal. (WHEEZING) (GROANING) Heart attack. (GASPING)
This is quite a large ranch you have. 17.9 billion acres. We own entire Western Hemisphere. That the best hemisphere. It's the same on Earth.
But, but, Bender need brain for smart making.
Baby, wait. You didn't show me your surprise.
Let's see what this eatery can do. Ah! She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro. She's out of control! You win again, gravity.
We'll meet your roommate next, shall we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie. The car dealer? Wow. I guess his prices really were insane. He's very excitable. So don't say anything to surprise him.
Bachelor Chow-- Now with flavor. ...and Bigfoot is down! Sheesh. 40,000 channels and only 150 of them have anything good on.
You see, the killer left one fatal clue-- This boot print on the professor's lab coat. Uh... couldn't be me. I never wear boots. See? Eww. What smells like boot feet? This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is--
Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees. Fry, however, does not. Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves... into a working mind. Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants. Yes, like your prom dress.
Hooray! I'm helping.
We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties and crap like I've never seen.
You know, I don't recall having done anything for a while, but I still feel I deserve a smoke. (ALL GASP) Hey, cool. The air is on fire. Ho, ho, ho. Everyone's dead.
Oh, I'm boned.
What the heck? Bend it! Bend it! Bend it!
Okay, dance maniacs. Let's have a big hand for our finalists, cute, little Tonya and mean, old what's-his-name.
imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any. As a mother, those things worry me. MAN: Vote no on Infinity. Paid for by the Farnsworth Foundation. We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned!
BENDER: Wake up and feel the coffee! (SPUTTERING) No, I'm late for work again!
(GASPS) What is it? Alcohol? Tobacco? Firearms?
Ta-da!
Yea! My buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal. I kind of hoped this whole experience... would have left you a little more open to your sensitive side. Yeah, you'd think, but what you gonna do? Coilette, the skies themselves weep...
Well, at least it'll help reduce their population. Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.
The toilet.
Why have you kept him around all these years when he's so grossly incompetent? (SIGHS) Long ago, Zoidberg and I entered into a secret arrangement relating to certain extraordinary events too horrible to reveal. So there's nothing to be curious about.
(MOOING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
it would take more energy than that to keep them alive. I know, I know. It sounds absurd. In fact, when The Matrix first came out, it seemed like the single crummiest, laziest, most awful, dimwitted idea in the entire history of science fiction, but it turned out to be true. Who knew? Good work, writer of The Matrix.
Well, that's your job whether you like it or not and it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not--
I want to go back to Robot Earth. I mean regular Earth. Hey, stop that. I command you, you jerk. Just get out. Whoa!
Oh, it's so unfair! I have eight other senses, but I'd trade them all, even "smision," to be able to taste.
No one will ever want to mate with me. Not with a puny claw like this. Did you see those other guys? They look like giant claws with bodies attached. At least you didn't smell as bad as them. You're right! My stink gland is weak. Smell.
Let's get this show on the road. Oh, no. You're going to die, all right, but it won't be suicide. It'll be murder. (BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING)
that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope, high in the Himalayas, to search for him. You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender? What am I, psychic? I mean-- Yes! Yes, i'm-i'm sure they will. Yes.
Silent as a low-flow toilet flush Watch your step, 'cause sooner or later He'll eat you whole and half your alligator. Crocodile.
LEELA: Huh. Buggalo Tots?
You are charged with two counts of burgle-arson-arceny. How do you plead? Not inno-guilty-cent.
So I do.
Madam, I am in command now. Such a man. I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.
Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my... or someone else's imagination?
Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications. Oh, yeah? Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me. Bender! Bow before your new Santa!
Robot House?!
Number five: "Bite." Number four: "My." And Bender's number one most frequently uttered word the word which, if uttered, will blow up this entire planet... We don't have long.
It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself. Almost done. If only somehow, some way, he and I could... drive to Vegas, pick up some floozybots... and void their warranties all night long! Whoo! Yea! My buddy's home!
You killed Fry! You killed Fry! Stop it! Stop it! Yee-aah! You killed Fry. Okay. I'm insane. But I'm still sane enough to know it.
The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer him, fool.
Hurry, Leela! Get some coasters and cold mugs! Push, Bender, push! You're doing great. Unh! It feels like I'm trying to push a water bed outta me.
FARNSWORTH: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness! Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint.
to carry on his spirit." Pay dirt! I got the clover, plus his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken. Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?
Tell you what-- I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid. Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks. Deal.
FRY: Someone save me! I made a rope from my clothes, but then this fire started.
Oh, God. Make sure they use every part of my body! I'll avenge your death, son!
Flexo? What are you doing in a hazardous-waste bin? Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile... Who were you talking to? No one. Your mama. Shut up. Take your pick.
I'll say. (CANNED LAUGHTER)
It means a lot to me. It's the basket my parents left me in at the orphanarium.
Stop! Let us climb to the heavens, that the gods themselves might envy us!
All right, let's go. It'll be just like stomping a puppy.
"Philip Fry, The Original Martian." It's all lies, every word of it. He wasn't original. He wasn't a Martian. He wasn't Philip Fry. And since when is he a "The"? You're twice the "The" he ever was. It's clovering time.
Futurama!
"The mathematics of quantum neutrino fields." I made up the title so that no student would dare take it. "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals."
Ambergris. Noun. A grease-like product of the sperm whale's digestive tract... that is used as a base in the finest perfumes. This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts. You heard Roseanne!
So, if you're not sure if it's alive or dead Poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead
Mama!
I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. Farewell, good sir. Whoo-Whoo-Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!
I came here from a faraway planet, a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer... that was really a manbot.
Hey, Leela, why'd you run off from dinner? I didn't run off. I had plenty of time to finish eating and stroll away while you were kissing Amy. Oh, look, I'm not actually interested in her if that's what's bothering you. Oh, are you sure?
And that's how you play the game. You stink, loser. Hey, Fry! Pizza going out. Come on!
The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.
Had to come back for the Crushinator, eh, robot? Well, I got you this time.
Stop exploding, you cowards! This is hopeless.
There it is Looking weird I almost had that tiara. Me, too. Well, you guys might both be losers, but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet.
You hit a sour note... about 200 years back, Doug! Let's take it from the top. Ow! Ah, Bender, Fry! You've come back for more eternal damnation. No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry just wants holophonor lessons. Yep. I need to get really good without practicing.
I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead. All Leela ever wanted to do was help me and I was too proud and stupid to accept it.
Which concludes the summary of the movie I saw last night. Now, any old business? No. Any new business? No. Anyone spend the night together? No. No. No. Yep. Kind of. What? Oh, my God.
Hey, Professor. Yes, Bender? Boo! (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) Okay, too bad, goodbye. You're not through with this level. I have another lens. Byte my eight-bit metal ass. That's byte with a "Y." (LAUGHS) Whatever you say, mon.
Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold a charge and the reception isn't very... Shut up and take my money!
Plus, you get a return visitor discount.
Hey, everybody! Do the Bender! This move's called the Bender. Yo, hot wheels. This circle's about free expression, not fascist moves! Whoa-oa-oa!
Give me the script. Places, everyone! Okay. All set. Lights. Camera one. Camera two.
It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm heinie. Hmm. "Heinie," you say?
I'll get you, Farnsworth even if it takes another hundred years. And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your 20th-century garbage-making skills we'd all be buried under 20th-century garbage.
If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender. Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people. Bushwah! Now, what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid? Are you coming on to me? Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
but I need to know if it's really me she loves, or just what you worms have made of me.
I said I'd kill him myself, but nobody listens to Bender.
BENDER: But...
Never heard of it. Show us this... the wheel.
(DOORBELL CHIMES) I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! May I crash on your couch?
We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of. Huh?
Sure, you can go to medical school... if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian!
Attack Earth!
Bender's not involved. Leela, I love you. You do? Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have.
Okay, here I go. You fool! You foolish fool! Eh, what's the worst thing that can happen?
So just drop it here on this bloody mattress? (SOBBING) Thanks, Tissue Ghost. DR. ZOIDBERG: You can't afford tissue anymore.
Careful. This is the most valuable thing we've ever delivered.
So, Hank-- the bad Hank-- just how blowful were you? Well, I had a low batting average. Low? It was zero, you fungo. You went your whole career without getting a hit. Leela can beat that. She's pitched her whole career without getting an out. You stink, lady! Hey, junior. She belongs in the exhibit instead of you.
Forget it-a! We come to Earth to make-a pizza, not-a money. - No, Blek! Other way around. - Oh, right. Offer accepted. Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game of the season into a real squeaker, and that's with three E's.
Mark jones in How Beige Was My jacket. And, instead of the fifth guy-- Calculon, for his powerhouse performance in The Magnificent Three. Uh-oh. He read the wrong name. Shh. just play along like they did for Marisa Tomei.
Five, four, three, two, three, four, five, six--
I do! Kif's given me dozens. Is it true what the ad says, that you kiss them together out of blankie cloth and magic buttons? No. It's actually cheaper to genetically engineer real ones. They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday.
Ah, those things cost more lives than they save. - Bender, are you okay? - I don't know. I'll try to move my feet.
Wait a minute. There's a chance I could lose? That wasn't part of the deal. Sweet Georgia Brown of Kingston Town. It's a tie. Since no one lost, no one has to jump.
Look what you made me do. We're going on a corporate team-building retreat. What? Oh, man! - Come on! - No! (UPBEAT INTRO MUSIC PLAYS) Hello, Planet Express!
There goes my... life. I'll avenge you, master. I swear, in the presence of these drunken bums, that I shall defeat Elzar!
Sold! Yes! I just don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton? I have an idea for a sitcom. Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's going a little wacko with his money. That's okay.
Seize them! - Seize them! - Seize them! Get them! I mean, seize them! Oh, I'm so bad at this.
Fry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Incredible! According to the gizmometer,
If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain. Your Honor, it's all true-- my female incompetence, Zapp's catlike reflexes the stuff that made no sense, all of it. In that case, Zapp Brannigan I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges.
I was going to eat that mummy. Fry has got to go. Bachelor Chow-- Now with flavor. ...and Bigfoot is down! Sheesh. 40,000 channels and only 150 of them have anything good on.
Oh! I don't get it.
You fool, this isn't about the cream! It's pwonounced "cweam"! I'm petting mine down to the bone. Just stwoke its fwuffy fur. Scwatch its fwubby chin.
Is he blackmailing you somehow?
Clam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Fry? Wait. Allow me. Leela, my love, will you marry me? Oh, my gosh. This is all so sudden after 13 years.
Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom... until it learns what it is to not have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!
I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal. You, too? Will you be my friend? Put her there, pal. I meant your wallet. Three, two, one, zero. Mmmbop ba-duba-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop
Holy... (BLEEPING)
(SIGHS) What's the point? What good is it to talk to her in my own dream? COMMENTATOR: And that's it! Wisconsin has defeated Stanford 17-to-9 in the 2000 Rose Bowl! What an occasionally exciting way to start the new millennium! Whoo!
Crap!
Uh, oh. I'm so into you. Oh, my!
Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit! Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards? Why are you so angry, Mommy? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. You dumb bastards!
Push, push! Use teamwork! Oh, dear, oh, dear.
If I died tomorrow, no one would even notice.
But don't worry - be - happy ain't got no cash ain't got no style ladies vomit when I smile But does Zoidberg worry? Feh! You wish! Be happy Don't worry, now, Amy.
Let me guess: he canceled nap time? He ran out of beer? So he's about to kill us.
Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.
Mighty Femputer, small girl steal green kissy man. We kill her now?
Let my people stay! Neat. Mrs. Astor, deep in the sewer,
Oh, mama.
I said, do it!
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. It time snu-snu! Can't we just cuddle? No! We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch.
Ah! The fresh air feels good.
(EXPLOSION) (BOTH SCREAMING) Mine collapse! Mine collapse! (ALARM BLARING) So? Mine collapse, too.
Wait. I don't even have D.N.A. Why am I screaming? We're gonna beat you afterwards. Oh, God!
Huh? Oh!
Thank you. Come again. That's what I call a hostile makeover. Hair gel? No, thanks. I make my own.
You did it, Fry! You found the winning bottle cap. We won!
But Nixon passed a law that says ex-cons can vote again as long as they vote for Nixon. But Nixon's the worst president in history and alternate history. The rest of you aren't voting for him, are you? - Sure, we are! - Why not? He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you.
Ow.
You vile racist.
Man, all this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty.
FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone! I'm in terrible pain. How is that good news? It's not. I've run out of Good News brand herbal supplement. If you don't get me more Good News, everyone, my arthritis will make me seize up like a dried monkey carcass.
Hey, you know what always cheers you up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies. How about these cookies, sugar? I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even exist. But I do exist, which proves you can't really be my grandm-- Mmm!
I never want to see those other orphans again. Not after the way they used to pick on me. One Eye, One Eye, One Eye! Nice depth perception, One Eye! How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're blind! My eyes may not work, but at least I got two of them.
Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care? Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! (NIXON EXCLAIMS) My God, we're defenseless, like fish in a barrel.
Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.
We don't work for you anymore! What?
Well, we swam away and then we came back. It's been an interesting life. And the best part is, it had a happy ending.
rests with the parents. That's right! You! And so I ask you this one question: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children and hitting them? We're just so busy. Well, make time!
Sir, are you aware that you're leaking coolant - at an alarming rate? Uh... Let me just patch you up with some hot resin.
Ow! I'm hungry.
With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing the devastating effects... of sudden intense global warming. Morbo is pleased, but sticky.
Some sunny day
Are you three, by any chance interested in becoming my new spaceship crew? New crew? Well, what happened to the old crew? Oh, those poor sons of-- But that's not important. The important thing is, I need a new crew.
Amy, you won't believe what happened. It was so scary that you wouldn't-- I know, but listen. It gets even scarier.
Quit your braggin'! My boyfriend's alive too!
(ALL GASP) (SQUAWKS) Cubert is the Professor's clone, ergo, they are legally the same person. Since you dismissed the charges against Cubert, you cannot convict the Professor of these same charges! Well, I'll be a nugget's uncle. He's right!
One jillion dollars. Sir, that's not a number. Oh. In that case... 50 million. Well, boys,
Come on, freedom cage! Roll me to safety! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Okay, let's fight. That's it. No more Mr. Nice-Jerk.
Hello? Hello? What's happening? I'm not sure. I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance. Oh, Lord.
Bummer.
Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk.
We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil. Ours is small and neutral. Switzerland is small and neutral. We're more like Germany-- ambitious and misunderstood. Look, everyone wants to be like Germany. But do we really have the pure strength of will? I say we do!
What? Listen, you little bastard I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want? You might as well put that checkbook away because I've discovered something even more important-- my friends, and they aren't worth even a penny to me. That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza...
The men are just for ballast. I control all the drones from this single unit. Foolproof and durable, it's designed to withstand even the weight of a modern-day elephant foot. - (TRUMPETING) - (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING HOARSELY)
Call me cocky but if there's an alien out there I can't kill I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
Oh, my God! What in Babylon?
My only regret is... that I have... bone-itis. He's dead! Pry out his fillings, feed him to the jackals, and let's get on with the sale! I don't think so.
We're going to die! - Right? - Right.
Let me at 'im! Get over here, Kif! Look. I'm sure we're all a little unclear...
Oh, and he slices into the water! D'oh, man!
Let's all go to the lobby.
You're my uncle. From the year 2000! Okay, grandpa, we'll take care of the bad worms. Don't you worry. Ah, I just wish Slurms McKenzie were here to enjoy this with me.
That's why I'm offering a bag of moon sapphires... to the first scientist who can solve this problem once and for all. Lovely, aren't they? Sapphires? With those, I could open the Gate of Girash!
Well, life goes on... except for you. I'm sure Bender has just made a cutting remark but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message. You bastard!
Correct. There's no obligation. Unless of course... war were declared. What's that? War were declared.
Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel Air home. Yes, I will. Yep!
- No! - No! Do a flip! Don't do it, Hermes! You have so much to live for! I get it. Reverse psychology. Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know.
Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish she didn't make us work so much. Back when I was captain all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty. If I had that, then for all I cared they could sit around the whole day drinking beer in their underpants. Beer? Underpants? - Ah. - Ah.
I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal.
You won a Tony. (SCOFFS) Wow. You gave up your super-intelligence to save us. Why did you come back? Honestly, I couldn't think of one good reason, but some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk.
Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas spirit. What-mas? Christmas. You know, X-M-A-S. Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using an archaic pronunciation. Like when you say "ask" instead of "axe." Xmas, huh?
Game over! Phil wins! Yancy's fans are stunned! There'll be no celebration at the Yancydome!
Welcome to Roswell, President Truman. Fellas, this visit's top secret. No one's to know about it... except the senior officers, scientists, and a single conspiracy nut who no one will believe.
What a class act. Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction.
Good-bye I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla.
Hmm, this thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.
Uh-oh. Let Claw Plock begin!
And why? Because he's family, and family is always there for each other. I'm sorry, but I can't keep reading this tissue of lies. The truth is, Professor Farnsworth is a cold, heartless jerk! And the fish sticks were limp!
Coilette, the skies themselves weep... upon the sweetest flower of all the field. Sentimental drivel poop! Come on, Bender. Let's go. This chick flick is getting me all "barfy."
It's got a TV, you young whatchacallit... idiot.
I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal. He's pending for a bending.
I wish. Whoa! Dear Lord! What's wrong? Oh, uh, it's... my... new pager. This is Hermes.
No! Set course for that cholesterol-encrusted valve.
Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name. What? How do you spell that?
Please, let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.
My race will find this information very useful indeed.
Then why are you choking me right now? Because I don't like being used. Well, now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving? Mmm, Leela. But she doesn't think much of me. Ah. She must be the other.
That poor turtle. Bender, are you crying? Uh, no. Never.
Now limboing for the Earth team Hermes Conrad. You're my hero, Hermes! I'm going to be just like you. No, boy, stop! It's too low! Your backbone can't take it! I'm just like Hermes! I'm just like--
This chair is so comfortable. (VOMITING) (CHUCKLING) Classic Amy. You want to see a picture of my boy? Sure. That's your penis. That's my boy. I guess this isn't not so bad.
a few dignitaries can oppress your entire planet for pennies a day!
Urgent message for Mr. Revere. "Mr. Revere, pray do not fhit your pants. "The British attack has begun. "Cross the river and watch for my signal." I must ride. (HORSE WHINNYING) He has so much stuff. He won't miss this.
I feel the need for speed! Yes, but I feel the nafety for safety.
I do. Okay then. Mmm. I'm a doctor. She's dead. She lives... no more. But let us all find comfort knowing that she truly loved me.
I am the lord mayor of Cologne. You mean "Colon"?
Here, we can cover ourselves with these sticky, sap-covered leaves. I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery.
Good news, everyone!
I'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy and flabby.
Oh, my God! Huh? - What the hell have you done, Fry? - Relax. She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.
It's been an interesting life. And the best part is, it had a happy ending. NARRATOR: And so the endless circle of life comes to an end, meaningless and grim. Why did they live, and why did they die? No reason.
And keep your stupid chicken hat, too!
(GROANING) (PEOPLE CHEERING) KATZ: Good show. And though the world is now spinning in the wrong direction, it's good enough.
Oh!
Uh-oh!
You always were a hot-blooded Latina. NARRATOR: Like all reptiles, the Galapagos tortoise is cold-blooded.
Drop the robot! (SNAPPING) I thought I told you, I do the cutting around here. (WESTERN MUSIC) (ALL GASP)
My God.
Hey! I won free admission to Six Flags! just one more reason we must survive this.
Ready to catapult, Sinclair! Aim for their power lines! They're the devil's veins! And electricity is his blood! Bender, if we don't survive the attack, I want you to know I love you. Okay, fine. Fire!
So there's more Benders around. As far as I'm concerned, that's good news. Bad news, everyone. Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.
But voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine. Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential to the process. No kidding, Ford. So then the hooker-bot says "That's not my expansion slot." And my friend says "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector."
I'm sorry, Amy, but your body's not up to the task. Also, I don't care for these boobs flapping every which way. Now, quit your bologna-gargling and let's switch back into our original bodies.
Sack!? And, Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close and that doesn't even make sense. Come on, we're taking you pigs to the gym. The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent. For some reason, I'm frisky as a squid on Tuesday.
just wake up, Leela. Please, just wake up. I don't understand what you mean. just wake up. Please. just wake up, Leela.
Let me see those glasses. Uh... uh... Oh, my various gods, X-ray specs! Guys, uh, I swear those are prescription. I need them for reading stuff... on the other side of stuff.
- Enos! - He's dead! Sorry!
I need hands of transcendental quickness Well, I don't see any danger In gambling with a stranger For my head is of a most amazing thickness Ohh!
Five, four, three, two--
They're like sex, except I'm having them. You know what these would go great with? Rocks. Look, here's more. The planet's covered with them. Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls. No, a whole Bender-ful.
Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon.
It was an accident, ma'am. That does not fempute!
Bite my shiny metal ass. It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.
In public? Aw, biscuits! I'm a father? How did this happen? Does this ring a bell? Are you telling me the stuff we did in private, and also twice on the sidewalk, made a baby robot? How? Aw, Bender, didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from?
Ugh! Gag unto me with a spoon. Malachi? it's high time I laid down a few commandments. You got a chisel? Take this down. Number one-- Behold, the one commandment. Make it a double!
Oy. All I wanted was for people to think of me one last time before I die. What are you talking about, Uncle? Everybody remembers Harold Zoid. As a pathetic has-been, they remember me. As a forgotten relic, they remember me. Bah! It's better to die now.
Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical to sleep with your client. If you really care about the outcome of the case, you should sleep with me. Your Honor, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court but this is a unisex bathroom. Overruled, Counselor.
All right! Come back, Bender! It's working! To reiterate, my terrible secret is... It's out again. What? That's the last straw.
Give me the remainin' dough and all the calendars. And that pen! Try to tear it so most of the beads are on my end!
We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party. I'm sorry, sir. This is a private-- Oh, pardon me. I see you're with Mr. Stallone.
Your music's bad, and you should feel bad.
It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity. Oh, crap!
My hero.
Great food, huh? (BURPS) (ALL GROANING) Ew! I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me. No, it only makes you more attractive.
What's your plan? What plan? I'm set for life. Au revoir, suckers. That rat. Do something. I wish I could, but he's got tenure.
Oh! just like old times. Gosh. The bars on the windows seemed so much thicker back then. Mr. Vogel? Remember me? Leela! You're worthless, and no one will ever love you! You used to say that all the time.
Quiet, mate. Pulling the empty carts is the closest thing we get to sleep. But don't ya see? They could increase efficiency four percent if they used the empty carts to bring in heavy mining machinery. Hey, I like the way you think. Oh...! Oh, Lord.
Leela, you ignorant dope! Now the worms will be in Fry forever.
You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind, or when our other pitchers sneak out early to beat the traffic! Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out there! And not clown fundamentals!
Aha! Cornered. Whew! Whew!
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS) Poop. Poop. Yeah. Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender
Sir, the Constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice. That's right... no body. But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body. Bender, he's got your body!
It's time we solved this problem the old-fashioned way. By shooting it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you can't give everybody guns. What if one of us is the creature? It could be any of us.
Yeah, very funny.
Also, the males are layin' eggs. This man has over-gasped.
He cried, "Rambler, you slept with my Jezebel" Hey, what's your name, anyhow?
He's... He's dead. It does look that way. My poor sweet puddle. (GASPS) The button. I can still save him. No, don't. You'll shred me into a zillion...
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Bad news, everyone. The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes. I weren't fooled. The real professor wouldn't never...
I'm the real Rodriguez Will you please stand up? He been workin' on the railroad Ladies can't get enough I made a 3-D version of my worst nightmare Sucker tried to stop the printer and I found him there Went 187 on his robot ass Turned out to be a copy of my robot ass
I find your skintight high-waters incredibly sexy. Let's get together sometime. Sure. I'm listed in the phone book, so once I reveal my real name to you, along with my home address and a copy of my birth certificate-- Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret. From everybody? Especially from everybody. Give several reasons why.
Come on! We're gonna march all the way to Hollywood... and make them stop forcing their filthy me down our throats!
(WIND BLOWING) (SHIP CREAKING) Unsit me, Mr. Conrad. We can't let the whale win. You're all too weak. I can see that now. So I'll have to be my own crew. Understood?
Fire! Look out! You almost got neutered. Well, 'taint as bad as gettin' killed. For me it is! I'm getting you out of here.
Mine is called a droid-el and it's rigged to make you pay Do you eat these yummy, tin-wrapped chocolate coins? Better. We got fem-bots with illegal five-speed groins Shalom, Ruth and Esther.
Oh, no. You're going to die, all right, but it won't be suicide. It'll be murder. (BEEP) (RATTLING AND GRUNTING) (MACHINE GUN FIRING)
In the year one million and a half Humankind is enslaved by giraffe Man must pay for all his misdeeds When the treetops are stripped of their leaves
Hmm. If we can reroute engine power through the primary weapons... and reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure. Like putting too much air in a balloon!
You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe. Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Exactly. The Oracle's visions are recorded on these colored balls. Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide. What's pink polka-dots? Clown slaughter. It happens more often than you'd think. (ALARMS) Floater in the bowl! Red ball. Homicide!
but I think we should just be friends.
The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes.
(ALIEN GROANING) - Now will you run? Okay.
You have pressed two. No, I didn't.
FRY: Hey, why are they hooked up like that? Is it some kind of Craft-matic adjustable death bed? (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) Don't be ridiculous. Their bodies are being used to generate electricity. The idea came from an old movie called The Matrix.
Welcome to your new life of simple tranquillity. Forget that! I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways... by force!
singing songs about penguins in a fine piercing tenor.
instead of me on account of mistaken identity. You bastard! They treated me like an animal! And that's what I became!
Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Wah! Ahhh!
Aww, man!
Aww, man!
Oy Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's no denying it. The future's crazy. Don't want to stand out. Freedom, freedom, freedom oy - Freedom, freedom, freedom Oy There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day!
with no surprises whatsoever. There's the tip-off. Globetrotter ball! Sweet Clyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate. Drives down court. And Curly joe from the rear! That one grabbed his behindus. Shh! Who dares laugh at the jesters of dunk?
my Killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available. Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby! No one calls me that! I'm having at you! Wernstrom! Such senseless aggression.
So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God!
Ah...
I'm sure you've all noticed the bizarre atmospheric conditions of late.
Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be, when it belongs to my best friend. That's the closest thing to "Bender is great" that anyone besides me has ever said.
No! No! No! No! Uh-oh! Oh!
Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller? We'll bill you for the couch. Cheer up, meat bag. You barely touched your amoeba.
Ahh. Poor little guy. You look like you haven't eaten in a month. Here. But if Mr. Panucci asks, your name is Seymour Asses.
Ow!
Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace. And lips, oh, you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss.
I'm startin' to remember why I fell for you in the first place. So, she's fallin' for Flexo, eh? I'd better seduce her a little more, just to be sure. Well, it's late. I should get home to my trailer. I'll walk you out. After all, a true gentlemen tends to his date's every need.
That's my joke. I'll kill you!
That's coming out of your pay. You know the secret of traditional robot cooking?
Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig.
In fact, all life is extinct.
Here, Mr. Peppy. Mmm, lovely bones. We've been walking for hours. I hope we can find our way back. Don't worry, I left a trail of bread crumbs. And I left a trail of cigars. You don't have to do this, Fry.
Get out of my office!
The official death toll in that tragic rocket crash has now been raised to 54,000.
Leela, meet your future husband, Sal. Eeh! Nice eyeball, eyeball. Nice ass, ass.
(NIXON EXCLAIMS)
You won't pass for human, cutie. But if my Ph.D. in Excel-Linguistics is worth diddly-poop, this note should convince them you're an alien. And that'll be enough to give you a real life.
Dude, give it a rest. Hold on. I've got it! We can't go back in time, but we can keep going forward until people invent the backwards time machine. - And then we can go home. - Hit it.
Doomed! Now don't give up yet, you crybabies.
Ugh. Even if I had a pen, I couldn't write under these conditions. I'm going to some other planet where I can concentrate. Searing, searing pain that feels as if it were in a vice. Well, that was rude.
Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox studios. Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes. Neat. Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,
but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic. Now, look spry, men! We launch at six bells.
Sure, humans are cute but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics? I concur.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome.
That's low. Better than being a girl... like you. You're a girl. Oh, right. Girls lack the will of the warrior. Huh? It's Benderin' time. Take this...
That's right... no body. But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body. Bender, he's got your body! That dirty, double-crossing bastard!
Aah! Aah! Help. You got any food?
Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil? In a second. I'm eavesdropping. Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough. I said not now! Sure, I know a guy.
(SCATTING)
Another hour, and I would've thought about hanging up. Why didn't you just leave a message, sweetie? Well, um, I've left hundreds of messages with your answering machine, but you never seem to get them. Bender! It's not my fault if you don't check me. Messages erased.
I'm 40% scrap metal.
But it's a fight to the death!
dun-dun-dun, dun-dun dun-dun, dun-dun, dun--
Citizen Snips!
Cha-ching!
I now present you with the academy prize which we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass. Yes! In your face, Wernstrom! I'll get you, Farnsworth even if it takes another hundred years. And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well.
here are the finalists for next week's championship. Bender and Tonya! I just wanna have fun because dancing is fun, and I like dancing. ALL: Aww! I'm gonna kick your ass, little girl. (ALL GASP)
Fourscore and 1,145 years ago our forefathers' foreheads conceived a new nation. And this Presidents' Day, we honoreth those values that my body fought and died for.
I Will wait FoR you For a thousand summers
Bender is back.
(ALL GASPING) Fry?
(ALL CHOKING) Oops.
And "poo-poo" and "pee-pee" and "penis" and "gay" Those are the 98 words we don't say (CHEERING) My God! You stole all your ideas from those poor, innocent creatures and hogged all the credit?
That stinks, Professor. Too bad the universe made it turn out that way and not some other way. I wonder why it did that. Probably magnets. Shut up, Hawking! Fry, you idiot! You're a genius! Why are the laws of physics what they are, instead of some other laws?
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors. (ALL GASP) What? I thought you knew. You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed. I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago. But this is creationist talk.
Yeah, give me the fried spaghetti dinner breakfast pocket for lunch and a big bucket of mixed sodas. One kids' meal. Got it. LEELA: Huh. Buggalo Tots? What exactly are those made of? You got a warrant? I'll just have something from the light menu. How about the gardener lover's salad? What kind of cheese filling you want in that?
I can't see nothin'. Pretty, though. W-wha-- Hey, hey! Whoa! Phew. Yeah! So, I guess without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever. Not necessarily.
Manufacturing specs from each parent are then merged by a randomized algorithm, and the resulting code guides assembly of a new robot. (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Yes, everything your body does is perfectly natural.
Damn, that's a good costume.
Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain? Fine! I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid... and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt. Ah, I've heard better. If I were in charge, I wouldn't treat you like this. You're nothing but a big blowhard.
I have amnesia! Calculon! But I thought you were-- Egyptian? Before I kill you, I must ask you one question. Who am I? For I have... amnesia!
At night it's called the moon. Ugh! All this heat has rendered me parched. Which of these doo-whackies dispenses horchata. Stop! That's the force field holding the mine open!
Executive Alpha, programmed to like things it has seen before. Hey, hey, hey. Executive Beta, programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule. More reality shows! And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate Middle America. It's funny, but is it going to get them off their tractors?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
No galaxies there. Knock, knock. Oh! Oh! Who's there? Leela? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Leela who? It's good to see you. Is it good to see me?
Calculon, as your hot water heater, I would be remiss... if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star. Of course. Tell me about the project. It's a movie. - Interesting. Tell me more. - Get this. For a scant one-million-dollar investment, you can be the star.
Ow!
(CHEWING SOUNDS) (WORRIED MUTTERING) What's with the gray goo? Bite my tiny metal ass! Hey, those jerklings ate my couch. God! We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!
Professor, make a woman out of me. Oh, I think we should just stay friends. I don't need friends! I need a sex-change operation and give it to me now!
Philip, have you lost weight? Damn it, Fry.
in 2003 and then again in 2063.
Finally. Any more ridiculous ideas?
I know I should, but I just can't. Remember when I had those stomach worms that made me smart? I could play the holophonor, and it made Leela like me. Hey, Bender, as long as you know, I have a holophonor recital Tuesday. I'd really like to have somebody there. Please?
For years, I've collected personal data with old-fashioned methods, like spybots and info-squitos. This guy sure loves porno.
What really matters in life is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd, or just one diehard fan. Aww.
I'm sorry. Hug me, Liubot.
And that sandwich you're eating is made from old discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away. The future is disgusting.
Go! Go! Hit anything that moves! (ALL EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world.
Whoa! I definitely want to hear about that, but first, I need your help. The Professor and Cubert are in trouble, and Leela left me. I'm in misery! I've grown far beyond the petty concerns of your world. Every time I burp, a new galaxy is born. (BURPS) Two, if I've been eating broccoli.
This is the exact location of the dump, but there's nothing here. BENDER: (SIGHS) Can we please go home and die now? I'm with Bender. Whatever was here has been covered by centuries of ice buildup.
See you guys Monday!
Hey, Fry, we've still got our costumes on. - Wanna steal some more stuff? - I guess. As long as you think it's right. Superheroes away!
Better than being a girl... like you. You're a girl.
Come on, boys. But, Leela, we're no good. Listen, I'm scared too. But I'm more scared of disappointing myself. I'm not scared of that at all. Hooh!
To the spaceship! There is no spaceship.
ANNOUNCER: Final boarding call for Flight 38 to the Amish Home World. As a reminder, passengers are limited to two carry-on butter churns. I'm sorry, Fry, I'm sorry. Wait for your ghost-buddy.
Oh... (KNOCK ON DOOR) LEELA: Fry? Are you home? We're supposed to have a date at the adults-only pancake house. Of course he's here and not on another planet! In fact, he's about to talk to you right now. LEELA: Oh, good.
So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered was just an innocent husband and father. (ALL CHEER) Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead. You can come back to work with us. I'm back, baby! Pizza's here. Whoo! I'll just cut that...
Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.
No! No! (SOBBING) Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe!
FARNSWORTH: Easy, easy. Taking her in for a landing. One year to go. Six months. I'm almost there, Leela. One month, two weeks, one hour,
No doubt about it, this place is haunted. Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago. The last human ghost, but robot ghosts...
Guess it, and you die first. Go! Um, okay. Fifty-- six-- ish? Fifty-six? Fifty-six? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you-- you no good fifty-six-ing--
Ohh! That's how I must've done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky!
Hey, Bender want to make shrinky dinks?
(BELL ON DOOR DINGS) (BELL RINGING) Coming! (PANTING) What now? Humidifier. (GROANS) Fine.
Let's see who's been naughty... and who's been naughty. Oh! Oh! Oh! Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty. Shopkeepers not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty!
As a result, we will not destroy your planet but neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality. Way to overact, Zoidberg. And now we must return to our planet to catch the end of a 1,000-year-old Leno monologue.
I was waiting for one of us to say that.
Of course he still exists-- as a frozen corpse in outer space.
You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol. Here it comes. A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone. Thank you and good night. Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the forbidden zone? Why, of course. It's just a name. Like "The Death Zone" or "The Zone of No Return."
Bender, drink that beer and drop the bottle on the ground. Very nice. Get that robot some more beer. Hmm?
Because you're idiots. Come on, Silicon Red, let's sell out.
Oh, yeah? I may be just a simple delivery boy with no superpowers, so there's nothing I can do. Okay. (MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING) (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) (SOBBING)
ANNOUNCER: And now, back to our show.
KIF'S FATHER: No hanky-panky. Everyone sleep in separate rooms. Good night, Kif. Night, Fry. Huh? Keep your door unlocked tonight. But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!
No. But it can feel. And right now, it's hind-heartbroken! Just like me! (SOBBING) Wow, Bender. This is really important to you, isn't it? Uh-huh! (SNIFFLES) Okay, we're gonna find that shipwreck and get you your backside back.
This is getting confusing. Why don't we call our universe Universe "A," and this universe Universe "B"? Hey, why can't we be Universe "A"? We called it first. Besides, this place kinda feels like a "B," you know? All right. You can be crummy Universe "A,"
And not just because I'm running for reelection as supreme mutant. Four more years! Four more years! Psst. Oh, very well. Your attention. Instead of being tortured to death, the prisoners shall hereby be expelled from the sewers...
Shut up and love me Shut up and love me
You were mean, and you yelled and you made us do all that work.
(PLAYING RHYTHMICALLY)
Pineapple?
Queequeg, let go of me. I have to kill it! Farewell! You will all be trapped in this dense symbolist tome... forever!
That's tasty. Too tasty. (SCREAMING) It burns. It... It burns! What's happening? The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.
She ate my kidney!
Mama.
Spargle, you're fired. We need a chef who can attract today's younger, more extreme cooking show viewer. Elzar! Get lost, old man! Bam! Mein soufflÉ!
You're not acting hard enough! Melllvar, you have to respect your actors.
Thank you. The previous tenant was a very prominent raccoon.
(SNAPS FINGER)
Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father.
Silence, puny audience! And welcome to Who Dares To Be A Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability,
No, Nibbler! Don't drink the pool water! It's full of chlorine!
Tighter. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order. Too hard!
Oh, let's just give it to him. Here. My nose! Light of my face! Uh, what is that? How do you have that, Nd-Nd? I've never seen it before. My friend left it here.
(GROANING) We're actually on Earth. The ship's homing device brought us back. But I saw Earth explode! I'm actually kind of proud of this one. You see, what you saw was merely a simulation I rigged up using the ship's holographic targeting projector.
I asked you to leave me alone.
Rikes!
BENDER: "Free Beer"? (PANTING) Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer. Free beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Free...
As a friend. Damn. Listen to me, Leela.
can only be called a mystery. Let's split up. Eight of us will stay here with this dragon-trap the professor built. HERMES: Meanwhile, Fry, Bendee, you go look for the dragon. Like, you guys are terrible friends for always sending us to our deaths. I'm not going. Re reither! Would you do it for a Bendee Brew?
What do you say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake and Safeway ice cream.
Shoot him! He's choking me! No, shoot him! He's choking me!
So, you grow hemp. Yes. And you do what with it? All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope... Oh. Well, nice talking to you. Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.
Let's go already
What if Bender was really giant? You idiot, we already saw that. I know, I liked it. I want to see it again. We're not seeing it again. Ask something less stupid. Oh, all right, how about this? What if I never fell into that freezer doodle and came to the future jiggy? That question is less stupid though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody into house! Hurry, before we die! And wipe your damn feet! Whew! Everyone okay? No one considering lawsuit? Mmm. I might have mental anguish. I have you know I'm friends with every judge on planet.
All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail.
Who should we unfreeze next? No. No! Oh, my God! It's Pauly Shore! All right!
We don't want any unnecessary stress. Is there a doctor in the gym? I'm a doctor!
Nevers! Ow!
Damn it, Hermes, just jump already. Stop hogging that healthy liver. No, I want to live. Organizing that forced-labor spa rekindled my lifelong love of bureaucracy. My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently that all the physical labor is now done by a single Australian man.
We're saved! I'm Butch, leader of this place. I took your hole and you can't do nothing about it. Okay. Mighty sir, we have nowhere to go. Could we please join your society?
Good night, Kif. Night, Fry. Huh? Keep your door unlocked tonight. But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!
Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me. Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention. Not even a card.
Sir, are you aware that you're leaking coolant - at an alarming rate? Uh... Let me just patch you up with some hot resin. I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait... wait. Yeah... there we go. Wait... yeah.
All my friends are gonna hang out herE tonight all right we'll pass out on the couch all right tonight Yo, check out what I jacked from my dad.
This is Rich Little, imitating Howard Cosell here at ringside with George Foreman. George, a word in edgewise. This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot-tall, mechanical joe Frazier. M-My memory's not what it used to be,
We're poor no matter what I do! The deal is off!
You mean, like my penis? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Admit it! You're disgusted by me! No, you're disgusted by me! I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been! Prove it!
What day is today it's Nibbler's birthday What a day for a birthday Let's all have some cake. And you smell like one, too.
There aren't anymore, and there never will be. More! More! More! More!
You see, you'll be protected by my fermion barrier heat-exclusion spray. Watch as I demonstrate by coating some highly delicate matter, and dunking it into this molten lava. (SCREAMING) (ALL GASP)
No!
Hello, Fry. just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am. Oh, g-give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places. Yeah, they get around.
Have you invented a backwards time machine? No, but if we apply our superior minds, we could perfect such a device within five years. See you then! We're back for our time machine!
This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying!
Sweet llamas of the Bahamas!
...three! (CHUCKLING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Has anyone ever discovered a hole in nothing with monsters in it? 'Cause if I'm the first I want them to call it a Fry Hole. There is nothing to be concerned about. I must go. There is much to do. Hey, Hawking, your Pizza's ready. Toss it in the garbage.
Nowadays we have a type of game played entirely on video. We call it a video game. A video game, you say? Well, golly gee. You mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works.
The important thing is, I need a new crew. Anyone interested? Yes. Yes! That's exactly the job I've always wanted. Thanks for the offer, Professor but we don't have the proper career chips. Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it, I saved the chips from my previous crew.
Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do. Oh, geez. I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?
Now, that's what I call a great ending. I made a copy of myself and Big Caboose killed him. But you said making a copy of yourself would be a lousy ending.
They fight for the heck of it because they like to, here comes G.I. Zapp G.I. Zapp, G.I. Zapp! ZAPP: G.I. Zapp is the code name for an elite group of heavily armed mercenaries, eager to murder the enemy, regardless of the cost in innocent lives.
You don't have a heart. You're a robot. Sure. Right.
If only there were a way to make Fry land softly, this would all be over. Ooh, I know. My airbag. Leela. I'm coming to save the day. Hang on, Fry. You're just one death away from being saved. And then we can be marry me?
What I was trained to do.
Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender! Down with Bender!
Break a leg, Bender. Oops! Looks like you already did. You are an evil, heartless troll, so, actually, we have a lot in common. In another life, we could've been friends. No chance, garbage-can face.
Next patient! Geez, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill. Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice the training you do. Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher. Oh, see? This is how it starts-- first with the jokes then comes the heavy stuff. When will the killing end?
Happy... I like this feeling. just don't revert to your usual mopey self. I'm not mopey. You shut up. Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel anger you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!
(GROWLING IN FRUSTRATION) Greetings, Francis. Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers. Squeezers? Squeezers! They're clamps, you (BLEEP)! And if I want to (BLEEP)-ing snip with these clamps,
I got to catch my bus back to Nutley. I'd kiss you good night but I lost my teeth pulling out a stump.
In answer to your question, Hermes. Yes, your friend is cured. You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity.
My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. John (BLEEP)-ing Zoidberg!
And leave me high and dry in case of a scavenger hunt?
Robot Porno Theater? I was in that... general area last night.
I'm so sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you, just to destroy everything you ever believed in. Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X. Oh, yeah. We were totally in sync.
What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo! Who are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wiener? If that's his pizza, then I'm Icy Whatever.
He's dead!
We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets. No, we're not, you little bed wetter! Oops, I'm sorry. There it is-- The Near Death Star.
Ma'am, it has become too much of a chore for me...
(ALL PANTING) They're getting away. Love harder! We can't, sir. The men have been hurt too often. Ahh! Ahh!
Quiet, you.
Now, let's all have some tequila to celebrate! Dad, I'm underage! Oh, right. Here's a silly straw.
If everything is a chess game for you, you must know how to help me. I'm sorry, Fry, but some games you just can't win. Cubert and the Professor are guilty. The jury will vote to convict. I can't change that. Well, what about Leela? Is there any hope things could still work out between us?
Is there water there, too? Sure. Sometimes it falls from the sky. - Hmm. - And sometimes it doesn't. Oh, Mr. Fry, you do go on. You know what I like best about you, Umbriel? You find me fascinating even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer. Lions? There are sea lions on the land?
Well, it was nice of you to let me reattach your arm, Fry. Especially after I made a complete eel out of myself. No biggie. Yes, biggie. I learned to feel things I've never felt before-- Love, jealousy, passion for disemboweling. I owe it all to you.
Hey, speaking of splattered bowels, can I cook you a romantic dinner tonight, Leela? Where's Leela? Is she okay? Why hasn't she acknowledged my dinner offer? Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick. Poke harder, damn it!
One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone. Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you. Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monster with freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal.
I'm not familiar with the type of thing I'm seeing.
All my circuits will be right back after this word from... Slurm: it's highly addictive. Look. It's Slurms McKenzie. He's the original party worm.
By the way, my name's Bender. Help! What's happening? You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-And-Drop-- America's favorite suicide booth since 2008.
I'm just kidding. That never happens. Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox studios. Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes. Neat.
I mean, cheating in a fake fight-- That's low. Better than being a girl... like you.
Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle! I put you through college, and this is how you repay me?
You failed to kill Fry, so you're banished to hell. I get a new body, and you get to be a translucent chump till the end of time. Big deal. I saved my friend. As far as I'm concerned, I won. Oh, really?
ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop whoa, whoa mmmbop ba-duba-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop ba-du-bop, ba-du-dop whoa, whoa mmmbop ba-duba-dop...
ever. Yo, uh, did two shellfish in scrubs go by? - Hell no! - Shut up! Beat it, jerk! Uh, have you robot versions of you guys...
There it is-- The Near Death Star.
What are you doing, darling? Get down! Light hot. Oil temperature rising. Oh, no. Malfunction. This ain't good. System error.
(ALL GASPING) Pops. Sweet reawakenin' of me, a Jamaican-in. Hermes, you're alive. And practically rhyming. Wife, Son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control.
Right. Good thing Professor "B" there... hid it in the coelacanth tank. No one but a crazy lobster would look there. It's gone!
Private Fry, you shall henceforth serve as Kiff's assistant. That doesn't sound too bad. You'll speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm!
My finger. I wish I remembered more survival skills from Boy Scouts. Too bad my only merit badge was in interpretive dance. Wait. I can use the universal language of dance to signal for help. (VOCALIZING MELODY) Ow! That was my second-favorite ankle.
Professor, we've talked it over, and everybody thinks you're too old. We've decided to do the merciful thing... and have you youthasized. Dear God, no! Oh, relax, Professor. Youthasizing is a trendy new spa treatment.
Also, mine has air conditioning.
I'm starting over. Oh! No time! It has begun!
In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What?
Let's go already!
Search them for paper... and bring me a rock. Why? So beautiful yet so Neutral. Drag them to the ship. And now, to cut the ribbon the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet bombing of Eden Seven...
Santa's right. We need some sort of robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.
Yeah, that is fun. Let's "conservate."
Now here's a route with some chest hair.
I got the most followers 'cause I give the people what they want.
I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers. Shut up, damn it!
I'm walkin' on sunshine hmm-mm-mm Sunshine
Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families.
(GASPS) Nothing! But it does say a great cataclysm will destroy the world in the year 3012! The world? That's where I live! Told you it'd say something about me. So the world will end in 3012. Why does that year sound so familiar? Because that's the year that's this year! See?
Shut up, square!
Shut up, shut up, shut up. Oh, don't force your tired philosophy on us. I mean, the only reason we don't eat people is because it tastes lousy. You're all nuts. Shut up. Let me talk. You shut up, please. No, you shut up, please. Popplers are no smarter than any other animal I've served and that includes cats.
Good news, everyone. Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
All right. We're all set. Nothin' like the rustic wholesomeness of working with one's own hands.
They're next! Right now, I'm gonna cut your damn head off! (GAGGING) (GRUNTING) Drop the robot! (SNAPPING) I thought I told you, I do the cutting around here.
It's Mars' happiest place on Earth! (LAUGHS) This much money could feed a small, starving planet. But it doesn't! (GROANING EXCITEDLY) I'll just reach down and get that. (LAUGHS) (SNIFFS) Something don't smell right.
That's when my keen senses detected the still-invisible ship. (EXCLAIMS) So, we can go back to Earth? But there is no Earth anymore. Everyone I know is dead! (SOBBING) This seems like a good place to take a dump.
Hey, what can I get y'all? Wow, you can talk? Shut up and give me a Slurm Loco. (GULPS) Ooh! Ooh! Hey, drink machine, what kind of alcoholic sodas you got? Y'all can't drink at work! This ain't a sawmill!
Yea! Yea! Nice try, but my head was built... with paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
Wait, you're making a-- Oh, look at that. I feel like a princess!
so murder and mayhem-- standard procedure.
(GASPS) That's it. I'm killing myself. Oh, lord. Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do.
You can't bend a wooden door! I know that, and you know that. But this door looks pretty stupid. (GRUNTING)
Dirty boy! Dirty boy!
Crummy keg! It's completely tapped-- Oh, you're a robot. - Don't stop. - Ew! Attention, happening robots! Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon?
You see that? Grand theft tobacco. Time to get off our fat cop asses and ride.
Just slow it down. I'll shoot Hitler out the window. Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake. Okay, nearing our era again.
Good news, everyone! Hooray, he's back!
So anyways, Leela I'd love to take a whack at you but that 10:15 to Nutley ain't going nowheres without yours truly behind the wheel. Excuse me. Did you say, "10:15 to Nutley"? Why, yes, I did.
Now, the first order of business is lunch.
(ALL COUGHING, GASPING) A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld. Well, into the toilet. (COUGHS) So sober, so weak. Things really worked out nicely this time.
What just happened? Why is the ball on that sproingy thing? It's traditional, just like aluminum bats and the seventh-inning grope. Hey, hey, hey! I got me a souvenir. Aw, here you go, kid.
Iron-a Cook-oo-ooh!
No liquor?! Dosvedanya, comrade!
Keep your chin up. Ow, my chin!
Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady. You mean, like my penis? (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Admit it! You're disgusted by me!
You know, without your mother, the sewer's a dank and dismal place. Dad, we need to talk.
Uh-oh. He read the wrong name. Shh. just play along like they did for Marisa Tomei. Hooray! I won't be murdered! I'll live another day, another day of pathetic, forgotten misery.
Wait. Didn't you say Mom keeps the robot control in her bra? Bra. Professor, you don't have to get back together with Mom. You just have to seduce her, get her bra off and use the remote to deactivate the robots.
(BOTH GRUNTING) I'm gonna clamp your... - (YELLS) - Oh, yeah. Ow, ow, ow. (LAUGHS EVILLY) Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest! That offer was for a limited time only.
(SOBBING) So lonely. Poor, sad Bender. - Hey, buddy. - (GASPING) What the heck?
Give it to me straight, Doctor. Don't sugarcoat it. Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home.
Good news! Nobody has to kill him after all. Because he already died!
Ooh! My popcorn's done. Aw. It's less popped than ever. I don't know what happened, but we've taken on a lot of clocks. Let's get back home.
Where's your candidate, Farnsworth? I have a long list of students to humiliate today. (DOOR CLANGING OPEN) You're late, Miss Wong.
Shut up, friends! My Internet browser heard us saying the word "Fry"... and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday... and ordered me some French fries. Philip J. Fry,
I recognize you. Didn't you use to have a body of some sort? Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the cover of the Sports illustrated swim cap issue. Well, you're looking great. Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, though. Couldn't hurt.
Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood. Nah, I like my victims to know who did it. Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you. We need to talk. Alone. Okay, Hermes. Sure.
Oh!
Tear it down and try again, but this time don't embarrass yourselves.
But what about the worms in the other parts of his body? Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
Little frogs are okay but the slugs on the rug Send me out of my mind There's no place else that I can go The only thing I can turn to is Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control A-wha-ho A-wha-ho Wha-ho Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control Rock 'n' Roll Pest Control A-wha-ho A-wha-ho Wha-ho
Flexo, are-are you okay? Yeah. Never better.
And I'll go with... Screwed again, my friend. (LOW WHINING SOUND) Hey, Bender, you better check your ass. I think it's leaking enchantment. That's not enchantment, it's the herbs! Bender's electric field is activating their bioluminescence.
(SOBBING) I like jelly beans. Do you? I sure do, honey. Come now, Fry, you can't live out this sick fantasy.
"Alas, my ship, whom I love like a woman,
My Manwich!
Chef Fritz, thank God you're all right! Come with me, I'll protect you! (LAUGHING EVILLY)
No, if I'm going to fire anyone, it'll be Scruffy. You can't do that. Over my dead body!
N-No. No.
All right, anteater number one, who are you protecting? Is it anteater number two? Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name. What? How do you spell that? What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso!
I'm a cold-blooded punk! I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it.
Oh, gee... Yeah, I'm... just going through a lot of things right now and... Look, Zoidberg I carry more eggs than any other female and I... owe it to our race to pick a mate who's stuffed with male jelly. Maybe a rock star. Or maybe a doctor.
Scary Door! Blernsday Night Blernsball! Futurama!
Let's go already
Look out for the next thing! (SCREAMING) Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops. (BOTH ROARING) (CHEERING) Throw down, dinosaurs of the land and sea.
Well, I'm moving out. What?!
Are you sure? Maybe I should sneak a peak at your access panel. Hey, according to the Scab Handbook, that's extremely inappropriate banter. And that's just the way I like it. Haile H. Selassie!
If you'll excuse me.
Oh, my God. You knocked Fox off the air. Pfft. Like anyone on Earth cares.
(SOBBING) Lrrr! You were willing to shoot that bossy temptress! You really do value my nagging above all others! Good night, dumb prince.
After that, I don't know.
We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours. He's not very ugly. You should marry him or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us. There he is at the buffet.
That's the last straw! Bender should not be allowed on television! Bender must be stopped! I've gone too far! Who does that guy think I am!
There's hot dogs for everyone.
Whoo!
Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me! This our comedy club. Humor here funny in different way. It not reinforce stereotypes. Comedy come from character, real situations, not abstract craziness. Translation-- boring.
Stupid air-needing lungs. (GASPS) The crown jewels. Now I just have to locate the guard and seduce him in... Four seconds?
Whoops! Leela, those eyes look so great on you. Bah! I think she looked fine before.
I have love enough for two.
Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really going to hurt me with a-- Hey, what are you doing with that microwave?
Then, like, why did you do it? I'm mentally ill. (CANNED LAUGHTER)
What do you take with that?
I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny. Look, are you the original were-car or not? No, but you are nearing the end of your search for, you see, I was attacked by the original were-car. Give us a name, MacButt!
Fry to battle stations! Fire torpedo number three!
Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our-- Yo, Highness. just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac... instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle? But I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle.
Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear powered!
I'm not even legally a mammal.
Amy, take off these rubber bands and I'll show you how normal I am. Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.
Futurama is brought to you by... Glagnar's Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha humans!
We'll have to call in the finest scientific minds in the univer-- Perhaps we could explode the whole damned nebula. - What do you think, Curly joe? - No, man.
Guess I'll go back to the railroad camp now. That's weird, he sounded a lot like Bender's folk song. Not a lot like Bender's folk song, exactly like, et cetera, et cetera. His song is coming true somehow. Oh, my God, reality is infringing Bender's copyright.
Fifty years, Junior. Fifty years of crippling sorrow. Popsicles here. Can't mourn the dead without a Popsicle. You think a Popsicle gonna bring my daughter back? No, sir. You just talked yourself out of a sale.
I'm in tremendous pain here.
Most honored visitors, we greet you in peace. (INAUDIBLE)
We all feel like that all the time, but you don't hear us gassin' on about it.
That is nasty!
Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying! I'm a-comin'!
Mmm!
Good! That's real good.
LEELA: The crystal space devil was once my brother Prince Hiroshi.
Shut your pumpkin, bumpkin.
In case I'm about to die, I just want you to know that I did polish my ass with your toothbrush. Thanks for telling me, buddy. And to be honest, I am jealous of how shiny your ass is, and sometimes at night, I unpolish it with sandpaper. Oh, I trust you. I trust you, too.
U.F.O.! U.F.O.! Hey, don't cut that. I need that to speak.
What's the mission? Collecting honey. Ordinary honey. That doesn't sound so dangerous. This is no ordinary honey!
Leela. Amy. Zoidberg. Zoidberg. (ALL WHIMPERING) One of us must be the bad creature. Is it me maybe? (GROWLS) Aw!
You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops? Cyclops. Aw.
What's with Monstro? He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid a million bucks to make a movie. I've only been here a day, and already I'm a Hollywood phony. Perhaps I could call on TV's Calculon to help, now that I'm in showbiz.
That's it? You hate robosexuals 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot? She didn't just leave me for a robot, she was a robot! (ALL GASP) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, God, her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit!
Pick a mouth, open it, and say What? My mother was a saint! Get out.
People of Earth I am jurr of the planet Omicron Persei I Eight. Could someone lower this thing for me? Now, then, if Leela gets eaten I get eaten! Little one, get out of there! I'm going to count to blarks.
Now, this guy had taste.
Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now, strip naked and get on the probulator. Ooh!
You have the will of a housewife or at best, the schoolmarm. That's it. I'll take you on right now. Very well, but you see, I have the will of the warrior. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me. Ha, ha! Rematch? You lose again. Had enough? I thought so.
Versus The Chain Smoker. I love smoking, and after I win the fight I'm headed straight to your favorite restaurant.
Gunnery Chief Bender, blast us out of quarantine. Aye, aye, lady! Oh, fiddlepoop! Our weapons aren't strong enough to puncture a thin plastic tent that thick.
That tap-dancing, decadent jazz-baby is too fast for us! Let's see him outrun a V-2! It's my brains against your Von Braun! Ach! I could have fired a V-8! (GRUNTS)
Lights. Camera one. Camera two. Camera three.
Yeah, I guess it is. You're dead!
My ass has blisters from the slide
Welcome back. Our next guest...
Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back. Rich nephew! Come over here... and give your uncle a nice, big meal.
What th--
I got it! I got it! Um, when you're writin' the Bible, you might want to omit that last miracle.
And, Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close and that doesn't even make sense.
Yes, better. A lonely weekend in my dumpster with a jar of pennies and tears. Sounds good. See you Monday!
I am the lord mayor of Cologne. You mean "Colon"? State your business.
Well, I've washed up in worse places. Okay. First up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. There. Well, I guess I'll go out for a while.
If we don't do something, Mom's going to marry Zapp Brannigan. So? He seems like a nice kahuna. Dad, stop being so mellow. Leela, honey, chill out. You got to take the good with the gnarly. Speaking of which, time for me to shoot the IHOP dessert curl. Ugh!
Pizza's here. Whoo! I'll just cut that... You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.
It wasn't me, Mr. "F." It was Amy. Stop it, Amy. You stink! You know you did it! You know you did it! Quiet! Quiet, I say!
Of course, it would all require split-second robotic timing. That's where I come in. You see, I own a watch.
Lightweights! Oh, wait. Chlorine.
ZAPP: G.I. Zapp is the code name for an elite group of... NIXON: Patriotic peacekeepers who rebuild schools with their bullet-sucking vacuum tanks. That's what they are. ZAPP: Today's episode, "Operation throat..." NIXON: "Banana Split."
You've been very naughty, Bender. What, me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid. My God, Bender, framing an orphan. That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now.
Oh, look at him dance! He don't care. Try this, peg-leg. No sweat! (SCREAMING) (GROANS)
Couple more of those and you'll have yourself a fish stick. Hey! A fish this fine belongs in a fish-nugget-style chunklet. Anyway, it's bigger than anything you've caught. Ow! My small intestine!
(ALL GRUNTING) No! I'm not ready to leave yet. Mom! (GRUNTS) Okay, kid, focus. Where'd you hear that music? Sock hop? Co-ed dorm? Black Panther meeting? I just want to talk to my mom. Let me back in there, Agnew! (GRUNTING) It's no use, Fry.
We're entering the Omega system. Warning. You are now in forbidden space. Forbidden, schur-schmidden. What are they gonna do, write a letter? Ooh, I'm so scared. I've lost control of the ship! Lost control of the ship!
This is wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment. In another city, we could be anyone we want!
Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome! It's not ironic. It's just coincidental.
And those coworkers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they, from Nob Hill? They're all like, "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg." "Put on pants, Zoidberg." "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg."
But they make fun women's basketball.
Let's start over, Fry. We'll go someplace where all we have is each other. Ooh. Romantic. I'll tell Bender to meet us there. It's not a there... it's a then. The future.
(PULSING) Here's the deal. We'll induce a dream state in which Fry will reenact the day of December 31, 1999. The rest of us will watch everything on this monitor. Will I have pants on in this dream? Only if you wear these dream pants. Hey, this is a diaper.
Ah... some good, old high-gravity rain. That'll cool us off.
One, two! one, two, three!
Find molasses candy Through my window, my sugar lump Fly through my window, my sugar lump Find molasses candy
Watch it. That's it. You just made my list. Ow, ooh, ow, ow, ooh! Stop it! Down boy! Bad president.
Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.
He's got aquarium property! Stop him! Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist. You're under arrest, you squishy punk!
Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do. Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? Oh, lots of reasons.
And which one rocked your world? Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan? Uh... I guess to sit here and wait for death. Can do. What the hell was that?
So, what shall we name him? Ehh, You pick. I picked dinner last night.
Welcome to Hollywood. I must warn you-- There's no refund if you get discovered and leave the tour. I'm just kidding. That never happens. Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox studios.
Try shocking him. Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words! Damn it. We'll have to fix the engine ourselves. We can't, you bastard. No one knows how it works. It's impossible! Nothing is impossible. I understand how the engines work now.
there's still a creamy core of dog nougat.
We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one thing led to another. And it led there again when we got home. Congratulations, Fry. You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich. She's probably got other characteristics. Bender! Romance isn't about money.
Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
I can no longer face my children! (SOBBING) Crisis averted. Without alcohol, the Benders are dying off. (ALL COUGHING, GASPING) A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld. Well, into the toilet.
When will women learn to take responsibility for the children they've helped create? The quickening! My time is near. I must return to my home world to perform the ancient birthing rites.
Aha! Cornered.
That's a human. What's he do? Usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves.
Show time! I'll pretend to be dying of space plague. Boo? Michelle! Oh, my God. Fry? Is it really you? I don't know. Is it really you?
Once I make my way there, your planet will go micro-nova and become a miniature sun, with me as its supreme alderman. (LAUGHS EVILLY)
I'm going to count to blarks. But elder one... Flingle, glorg, glorg-and-a-gloob...
If I might offer some constructive criticism, there was never any real peril. I mean, the delivery guy has, like, 30 superpowers.
Why is there so little traffic around Earth? And what's this layer of ozone? That's never been there before. Hmm?
Be it parsnips or peppers or kale or zucchini I like to relax with a spinach martini (UNDECIPHERABLE) 'Cause we love our vegetables ABNER: And cut!
Si! Ouch-o!
(ALL CHEERING) We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else! (WHOOPS) Yeah... Monogamous?
Okay, you're on the surface. Now, I'll give you ten minutes. Then you'll get bored, turn around and apologize for being such a jerk. - Agreed? - Agreed. Yee-ha! Whoo! Yeah! Crank up the radio! We're whalers on the--
One, zero, uh-- One, one, zero, zero, one-- Bender, what is it? Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two.
Quick, let's duck in here.
Don't worry, now, Amy. Okay. I'm happy!
The Titanic.
Fry, you go with Bender.
Welcomes aboard, scab. Great to be here. Come on. I'll introduces you to your scab coworkers you'll be scabbin' with. This here's our scab foreman. Flexo? Bender? Hey, sorry you got sent to that South American Turkish prison...
We're done putting on the bra. Why exactly did you shave your legs, anyway?
That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now. Mm, framing... I...N...G... an... Amy, this is for you--
- Hee-ya! - Ow! (GRUNTING)
It's like brainwashing.
I can see sideways in time. (SPEAKING BACKWARDS) Gee, I see CGI. (SPEAKING BACKWARDS) Poop. Poop. Yeah. Bender, Bender, Bender Bender, Bender, Bender
It's a doorbell baby! Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too. - So-- - Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it. Bender, stop! - It's a baby! - A baby what? Ow!
Rock crushes scissors... but paper covers rock and scissors cuts paper. Kiff, we have a conundrum.
You make a persuasive argument, Fry.
The Earth is born! Ladies and gentlemen, the moon!
Yeah. I mean one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye.
Because you killed yourself, you're in limbo. Your software was exported to the computational cloud. Adoy. Wait. Adoy? Your disembodied program is now running on the wireless network shared by all machinery.
He did it! He actually did it this time.
You drank our emperor! You assassinated him!
Chill out. I'm just here to see Amy. Move it, boy toy. Granny's taking you to Atlantic City.
I'd kill them all. Yes? Delivery for a Mr. 147573952589676412927?
Whoa! All right... this is the third hose fight I've broken up today and the second one using actual hoses. Now, move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to. You don't have to get so mad, Leela. Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of the dirt with his finger.
Bender can't be Santa.
No one insults the turtles! Oh, mercy. Come on, you!
Once upon A time I waS falling in love But now I'm only falling apart Oh, that's so emotional. there'S nothing i can do A total eclipse of the heart Amateur hour's over.
(GIGGLING) Sorry, Bev, but I ain't cut out for fatherhood.
Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was going to do it with a big, freaky mud bug you'd be way up the list. Hush, you romantic fool. Engage your mandibles and kiss me.
Men strange. You have them on your planet? - I'm afraid so. - What they for?
Wait! Stop! It's a trick! That's not Leela! Wha-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd. It's an orangutan one of Mother Earth's most precious creatures.
(EXCLAIMS) Things don't exist simply because you believe in them.
I beg to differ!
Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance. Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to... Og, Gorilla Emperor of Earth. Sorry, Og.
(EARTH SHUDDERING) Soon the world will come to a stop, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The stopping of the world, that is. It's unstoppable. (LAUGHING EVILLY) Excuse me. (PURRING) (RUMBLING)
Welcome to our village. It may not be Paris, but it has a certain... quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world. You guys realize you live in a sewer, right? Perhaps. But perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you. No, we're on the top. Daylight and everything. Oh.
Trouble in bed. Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy. Wait, uh... This is no record. Give me back that check. I'm giving it to some giant orphans. Ow! Bender, you're hurting me! Ow!
Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you. Feast your eyes on this! It's beautiful. - And huge. - Can I touch it? So what is it already?
Mmm. My God, this is an outrage. I was going to eat that mummy. Fry has got to go.
Let Claw Plock begin!
But this time, I'm the one criticizing the sausage. (RUMBLING) (GASPING) (SCREAMING) (TRUMPETING) (ALL SHOUTING)
Look at him. I'm so proud. Thanks, Professor. Not you.
So you froze yourself to come look for me? No, I did it to get a fresh start. I didn't know what had happened to you. No one did. The police were going to conduct a search but your parents felt it was a waste of taxpayer money. That's the same reason they kept me out of school. So, no one even cared that I was gone? Not really. Except for one person.
Calcutta, we have a problem.
(EXHALES) What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptilicus, hit the thingy. At 0000 hours, Planet X-3 was attacked by a mysterious death sphere. Magnify that death sphere.
Yes! In your face, Gorgak! That's it, Fry. As your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head. Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my prime minister. Stay the course, pal. Your Highness, a package came for you.
Now, stand back. I gotta practice my stabbin'. Ha-haa! Ha-ha-ha. Ha-haa! No! Please! Help! Stop it! Police!
Oh, I will have to ask my manager. Amy, you don't go up from the sticker price. I thought it was an auction. He is not too happy. I'm sorry. $80,000?
(ALARM WAILING) (CHUCKLING)
Well, first off, we're going to get rid of that three-day waiting period for mad scientists. Damn straight! Today, the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device. Tomorrow, it's the mad grad student! Where will it end? Amen, brother! I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax-- For duck huntin'.
Thirty days hath September, April, june-- And no wonder all the rest have peanut butter. What am I gonna do?
What's this spice for?
And honestly, Francis is a way better friend than Bender ever was. Hey, where is Francis? (PIANO PLAYING) One sarsapar-oil-la, Sheriff. I'm thirsty. Make it two. I'm greedy.
Can you translate it? Of course. But only into Beta-crypt-three. A language so complex, there's even less chance of understanding it. I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse. I asked you to get busy. Very well.
Sorry, guys, I'm gonna have to confiscate your keg. It's my body. Oh, come on, Bender! Can you at least wait till it's empty? Fair enough. Fry, beer me. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug! Ah! It's empty!
Even in theory, the device can only apply force in one direction. Can someone open a window? It's getting a little warm in here. Is that better?
Oh!
You're going to have to put him down? No, I... But I... Terrible shame, that. Shall I do the honors? No! Ow! You about done? Next time I'm keeping it. Well, I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet in the next room.
Give us McNeal! That was McNeal. No, McNeal-- the single female lawyer.
We'll show him who's stupid. (COUGHING) (COUGHING) And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now
Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here. Except perhaps you, hedonismbot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, hedonismbot! I apologize for nothing!
Please, let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you. You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.
I am not evil!
Congratulations indeed. But you finished with two seconds to spare so I'm demoting you. A good bureaucrat never finishes early. That's okay, Hermes.
Give it to us straight, Professor. How incredibly deadly is it? We don't know. It could kill millions or nobody. I suppose it might even bring a few people back to life. Anything is possible in science. Oh, no, I've got it, too!
(GRUNTS) Bender? I should have known you started this fire. Just another chance to be a hero. Well, you're not saving me. Not this time. I don't have time for this shazbot.
Cool. What do you do if you want the trees up? Trees up. Trees down. Trees down. Looking good, beefball. Excuse me, sir, you're off the trail. Lick my frozen metal ass.
Mr. Bender? I hereby commit you... to the asylum for criminally insane robots... until such time as you are deemed cured. Yahoo! The system fails again!
I saw that!
I don't know how Bender and I do all this work by ourselves. Maybe we should hire a delivery boy. You mean like... Bender! Shh! We have to be careful not to remind her! What about my feelings? Fry was my best friend, and now he's dead!
Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihilation of the human species as well as some of the more cunning monkeys but after living on earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful.
$9.95 a minute. Oh. You're a dollar naughtier than most. So, how about them Knicks?
I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm going to go watch TV. Could you get the lights on your way out?
Anyone who laughs is a Communist. Knowing that,
Goodbye, boys. I suppose I should thank you for giving me a second chance at life, but... I'm not even sure I deserved a first.
For a thousand years, the evil brains have been constructing the Info-Sphere, a giant memory bank twice the size... of three ordinary memory banks. What's so evil about that? They plan to collect all the information in the universe... and store it within the sphere.
Oh, my God. You knocked Fox off the air. Pfft. Like anyone on Earth cares.
Because... I have amnesia!
Welcome to Hollywood. I must warn you-- There's no refund if you get discovered and leave the tour. I'm just kidding. That never happens.
Melissa, send in the new kid. I... am... Destructor! See you at the fight. So then I said, "See you at the fight," and that's the story.
I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way. You're sweet, Leela.
Morbo is pleased, but sticky. The scorching heat has melted the polar ice caps, causing floods of biblical proportion. They called me crazy for building this ark! You are crazy! You filled it with same-sex animal couples! Hey, there are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like!
a grayish blob? Not as right that time. It looks like you might have some mild corneal irritation. Nice try, little boy. You may have your textbook knowledge and your real diploma but I have more skill in my little claw than you have in your whole carapace. You seem a bit tense.
Legion of Benders, come unto me! We have one thing to do. ALL BENDERS: Screw that! Come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one quintillionth of a thing. ALL BENDERS: (SIGHING) All right.
No! Wait! I'm here to apologize. For your looks? (LAUGHING) Nice one. Well, yes, actually, it is sort of related to that. Can we talk? Grabbing your spaceship was not okay. I lost my cool, and I'm sorry.
Well, what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
What, and have the Mafia come after me, too? No way. This secret goes to my grave. The Bureau is offering anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward. BENDER: Ooh! Ooh! And then Calculon said, "No, no. No!"
I knew he cared about us! You said you knew he didn't care about us. Leave me alone. Your Honor, I object to this surprise witness. He's too surprising. Sustained! Testimony has closed. But, Your Honor... Silence! One more inburst like that and I'll have this courtroom removed from you!
Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time,
Magic. Got it.
(BOTH SIGH WITH RELIEF) I think it moved.
You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything... unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it! Got it. If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you'd cease to exist. But existing is basically all I do!
Back off! I got hostages! Hooray! I'm helping. Do you have any better hostages? To show them who's crazy, I'll execute some of you. How about you? Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
Please, officers, there's no need to use force. Let us handle this, weirdie. Oh, come on. He's just a poor kid from the stupid ages. Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball. No one makes fun of my nose.
I was just a young girl. Drain angels, they called us. When the ship started going down, my mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car. But the places were all taken by surface passengers.
Remember: Rover gets the pill and Pepper gets the suppository. Next! Ow! Ah, it's just a simple broken fang. Nothing serious. What's that you say there, Doctor? You're going to have to put him down?
Wow, Bender. Are you and the ship an item? I mean, I know you're both items, but-- How can you date a ship, anyway? It'd be like me dating a really fat lady and living inside her, and she'd be all, like-- Fry, in order for me to get busy at maximum efficiency,
And that's how I got my new shell.
Take a rage dump, mon. He's no worse than Bender. He's much worse. He drinks and smokes and he posts naked pictures of me on the Internet.
Good morning, Bender. None of your business! Get off my back!
Now, that's hospital dancing. - Pretty good, eh, Calcy? - Good? I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies! I don't even remember shooting this scene. We didn't. That's security camera footage from your dressing room. He stole the scene and my money! That's it! I demand you fire this felonious ham!
Get the hell off my planet.
You heard the man!
You better not do that at the concert. I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt, I get stuff in my throat. You are so disgusting. I-- They're beautiful! Ew! You're touching them. I've never seen pearls like this.
Shut up, damn it!
A female leader? Fry, shut up. Yes, Captain. This capital city Planet Amazonia. Where are all the men in your society? Men die out many year ago. With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas?
They've blown out one of our engines. Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!
No! I can't stand to look!
Who are you? I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal.
Fry! Hermes! Where my humans at?
Oh, Calculon, I wish you had never escaped from those brutal crab fishermen. I want you to know I didn't wait for you, not even for one day. (SIGHS) Then I suppose the honorable thing would be to kill myself.
Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers. Squeezers? Squeezers! They're clamps, you (BLEEP)! And if I want to (BLEEP)-ing snip with these clamps, I will snip with these (BLEEP)-ing clamps! Why do you think they call me... (GAGGING) Francis?
Evolution set in motion by a wise and all-knowing creator. You. (CHUCKLES) Well, I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth. Oh, oh, and the creator could also be a robot.
(BUZZING) After beer and hot wings at a local gas station, the two enjoy intimate time behind a dumpster. It's all perfectly natural. Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads a binary file to Francine's internal drive.
Cornelia, my love, will you marry me? Blorg, blorg, a thousand times blorg.
(GRUNTING) What goes down must back up.
Fry? Is it really you?
Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He's got a brain slug on his head. Shh. You're going to get us all assimilated. just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo. On to new business. Today's mission is for you all to go to the brain slug planet. What are we going to do there? just walk around, not wearing a helmet.
Hey, buddy. Yo! You mind taking your head off? I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch the movie. just ask flabby over here to describe it to you, later. Sir, she is as the factory made her. Well, they should have stopped making her about halfway through.
You've gotta tell me. You're not actually attracted to Calculon, right?
Bender sent me. (NOISY MUSIC AND CHATTER) Hey, I know that guy.
Frykowski, BenderIsGreat34, follow me!
Shoot 'em in the back! Quick, while they're not looking!
Warships dismissed!
Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun... really tore up my insides. Awful. Let's read some more. "Dear Santa--"
Move over, God! Prepare for rebirth! (SCREAMS) Wrong switch.
I have amnesia!
And voila! Everybody's ice fishing.
Possible. I do feel compassion for all living things-- my good chum. But why would God think in binary? Unless... you're not God, but the remains of a computerized space probe... that collided with God! That seems probable.
That's it. No more Mr. Nice-Jerk. NARRATOR: The battle will rage for hours, until both males are exhausted or dead.
Catastrophe Beach Party. Scene One. Cue disaster effects, and action! (RUMBLING) (ALL SCREAMING) Cut! That extra looked at the camera. We'll have to do it again.
Leela cried for her lost love as fry lay dead under the heavy bookcase. The big brain laughed in triumph. Ha-ha-ha! Then, for no reason, he left Earth forever. The end. There! Now he's trapped in a book I wrote-- a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors. The big brain am winning again!
My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently that all the physical labor is now done by a single Australian man. But how did you know we were here?
Wait. That's not good news at all.
Yo, Leela, what gives? Pig says your slop tastes like crap. Yeah, like crap.
Now, now, Garbly, if we don't eat our vegetables, we won't grow big and strong, like Feffernoose. I have to be big and strong to fight off the monsters. Did somebody say monsters? (LAUGHING) This will make a great episode.
Call it a hunch, but I've got a bad feeling about this.
(BEEPING) (DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS) Dude, you broke my reed! You owe me, like, a dollar! You'll have to kill me for it!
BOY: Yeah! Devo!
No catch.
Your pal the garbage disposal's still on your side. Hey, someone dropped a shiny, diamond ring down here. Really? No! Don't! Moron!
Thank you. Stop seducing him, you hussy! Dad! I'm attracted to Bender, not this emotionless wine bucket! Hopes deleted.
Oh, great. Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here. Wingus, Dingus, listen up. We're going to give the aliens the old switcheroo.
Hey, what's the dillio? Your upgrade is complete. But I destroyed the technology of the world! I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot-cups. Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Oof. If that stuff wasn't real,
Who's in charge of this dump? That'd be me. If you're an investor, you can dump your money in the hole there. Listen, you fat Internet nerd. Listening. Your company promotes wrong love. If you don't shut down right now, the only thing wired about you will be your jaw. Yeah. You can't shut us down.
Say, you're from one of those ethnicities that knows about technology. Why is it called an eyePhone? I'll explain after I install it. (SCREAMING) Neat. Now for the earpiece.
Get a job!
Hear me! Hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce! Stop eating them with tangy sweet- and-sour sauce. Stop eating the new Fiesta Poppler Salad. Stop taking advantage of the money-saving 12-pack.
Good-bye, cruel world. Good-bye, cruel lamp. Good-bye, cruel velvet drapes lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the...
Uh. How you get frozen? I don't know. I think I whanged my head pretty bad. Uh, look normal to me. The last thing I remember is losing all my memories. Who am I, one of you? Me think so. Anyone dumb enough get stuck in ice probably Neanderthal.
Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment.
Aw, that's so sweet. Thanks, Bender. Dude! That herb you scored cleared up my arthritis and my glaucoma. Have you seen Fry? Fry? He went to get you a burrito at the gas station. Awesome.
All right, bird. You thought you could beat me in a game of wits but you just met your equal.
And they're going to be like, And then, we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be, like... Precisely.
We once found a dead guy face-down in the Slurm It could easily happen again to you folks So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut Grunka lunka lunka dunkity dutt! Hey! I don't pay you to sing.
How will I ever get rid of my male jelly now? I'll lend you this. Fry! Hey, hey! Shoo, get away! Hey! What's with the flying jerks? They come to feast after the frenzy. Once my species passes on its genes, it dies.
For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, a nail? C... B, Nail! Final answer! (BUZZER SOUNDS)
Just another chance to be a hero. Well, you're not saving me. Not this time. I don't have time for this shazbot. You're getting heroed, whether you like it or...
(GROWLING SOFTLY)
Who likes good news? Everyone? Then, good news, everyone. Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to Earth. Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once.
Five hours? Aw, man. Couldn't you have just gotten me the death penalty? I'd have done better, but it's plumb hard pleading a case... while awaiting trial for that there incompetence. Yeah, good luck with that.
See you in a thousand years.
I didn't abandon you! You wandered off! Stop judging me, Fry-bed! (BENDER GRUNTING)
Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time! Then suicide it is.
Psst. Leela, wanna join the mile-deep club? Sure, why not? (GASPS) No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. (GROANS) Look at these Roman numerals. Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome!
respond with the exact notes you remembered in your dream or we're all dead. No pressure. (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (KNUCKLES CRACKING) Will you come on?
So real I don't believe it. ...two... Oh, man, I can't afford no Medicare copayments! ...three! (CHUCKLING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I passed out around midnight which is much earlier than usual and when I woke up I found these in my chest cabinet. Aw, relax, buddy. You were probably just shooting some big, fuzzy craps. No! I think I may have hurt someone. Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous meltdown.
Evil Lincoln!
We've got to murder that whale, or die trying. This has gone too far. Bender's one of Planet Express's most expensive appliances. And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close.
Because it didn't! Yeah-uh. Opal has unusual temporal properties. It preserves each head in a time stasis bubble. Ergo, licking those heads actually sent us back in time to their original eras. Look! Schlock and more schlock.
(CROWD GROANING) Ladies and gentlemen,
Stop! It's driving me sane!
It's all coming together now. I must say this opens my eyes. Another case closed, my dear Watson. Morgan, come back. He's stuck in a loop.
Who wants a fish?
Although I don't have the hang of blinking yet. You'll get it. Personally, I try not to blink too much, because it seems flashy. But when I do, I enjoy it. Oh! I did it! I blunk! And just in time to screw up this picture I took. Hooray!
That's just it. You can't! You were built without a backup unit! There's no backup copy of me? That's what I just said, you mortal coil. So, if I die... You die. Or as you put it... (RASPS)
I learned to feel things I've never felt before-- Love, jealousy, passion for disemboweling. I owe it all to you. There. I pronounce the operation a success. Hooray! Yeah! I may not know from emotions but when it comes to medicine? Forget about it.
I won't be gone long, Seymour. just wait here till I come back. Hello! Pizza delivery for, uh,
If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society. But what about the worms in the other parts of his body? Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
Final boarding call for flight 406 nonstop service to pain. Now boarding stand-by passengers--
You're going to be the ship's cook? Yeah. We're going to kick it up a notch. Bam! I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste. Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if was wearing a lime green tank top. Bam!
The hard part was getting the brain out. Oh, you! So, tell me about yourself. Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor. Ooh, a can!
That's right. I've sent you each 300 buckaroos in the form of a Tricky Dick fun bill. Knock yourselves out! Whoo-hoo! I'm slightly richer! What to do, what to do? One 300-dollar hookerbot, or 300 one-dollar hookerbots?
Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria in the "terlet."
Yeah, but I'm not done yet. I got a full-proof plan to make sure I go home the champ! You're gonna put sequins on your hat? (SCOFFS) See that locker? Tonya keeps her tap shoes in there. So right before she dances, I'll sneak in and put rusty tacks in them. (CACKLES) (GASPS) The harder she dances, the more she bleeds.
(CRY OF PAIN) I would never shoot Bender. Never! He taught me how to shave. (ALARMS) Revision ball. By deciding not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future.
Okay, I'm gonna run out there. Then, you guys form a human bus and crash into me at 40 miles an hour. Ready?
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Everyone, seat belts to maximum buckling!
There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me. Ah, buck up, meat loaf. Bender'll take you out tonight and cheer you up. What do you wanna do? And I mean anything. You have the power. Name it, and I'm there. You the man! Well, okay. Let's go bowling. Nah.
Oh! Thank God. Tell me, have things changed on the outside? Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form?
Your music's bad, and you should feel bad.
Fire! Look out!
Something so great, she'll never want to be unhappy again. just be back by sundown, mon. We'll see. I like to haggle. You can't stay out on Xmas eve. You'll be killed. Say what? Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa Claus. I know about Santa Claus. Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company
(MOCK FRENCH ACCENT) Oh. This never happens, I swear. There's no time to lose.
This isn't a war. It's a murder. This isn't a war. It's a murder.
That's a full-time job. And, Fry, as for you I am promoting you to executive delivery boy. You will no longer go on deliveries and you will have your own office next to mine. All right! Mr. Bender, would you high-five him so that we can continue this meeting?
Then it's settled. Elzar will teach me to cook.
DNA and career chip, please. Erwin Schrodinger, huh? What's in the box, Schrodinger? A cat, some poison and a cesium atom. The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead?
Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.
Oh, it's hopeless.
Hey, Zoidberg, get in here! Screw you! - Ain't got that. - Nope.
In fact, that's why we loved you. But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us. And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR. And then later, I found out he was taking drugs.
Aw, yeah! Yum, yum, yum. Uh-oh. Look at me. I'm Dr. Zoidberg-- homeowner.
So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.
The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck! (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) (SPEAKING CANTONESE) Leela, I am collecting data. Could you dump that somewhere else? Not really. It's highly volatile dark matter and some corn. But I'm presenting my thesis tomorrow, and I've barely had time to prepare.
This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard. Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend. But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment. I can't walk away from a commitment like that. Farewell, my friend. Oh!
Together, we shall rule the galaxy! Aww, what an adorable, little kajigger. - Now! - (GRUNTS) (BOTH CACKLING)
he was scratched by a Yeti. (PULSING) Hmm. I consider myself almost completely ignorant of modern medicine, and I've never heard of Yeti-ism. It mimics the symptoms of hyper-malaria exactly except for the part where instead of dying, you turn into a Yeti. Ah!
(ALL CHUCKLING) Hey! That's it, you hoodlums! Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor!
Death by snu-snu! Although the Snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Whoa. Wha...? Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at. Let's try something else. Maybe we should... Put the dice away before I take them away.
Leela! Tomorrow's ratings just came in from the future. We're a hit. What? My show is a hit? What are you, deaf? It's gonna be bigger than SpongeBot SquareBolts. I interfere with pacemakers. (LAUGHS) Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar, 'cause that is how you're gonna die.
And he's in trouble. That's it. I warned you. Fry, Zoidberg, I now pronounce you man and... So close. (WIND BLOWING)
Thank you. Come again.
It was Zoidberg! He brutalized us with power tools, gypsy curses and hypnosis. Yes, master. You'll all get through this. I give you my word as a real doctor. What about me? What did he do to you? I don't know exactly, but I'm incontinent. I'm truly sorry.
Okay, okay. We have one chance. Are you willing to do what I say as captain? Absolutely. Even if I make you work hard? As your god is my witness. Then go get the hover dolly you didn't break and load all the dark matter into the left engine. Oh, man, that crap's heavy! And warm. just do it!
Oh! I did it! I blunk! And just in time to screw up this picture I took. Hooray!
Boo! Get that hippie out of the ring!
Lrrr! Put a stop to this right now! Okay! Okay! Quit nagging!
We're whalers on the Moon We carry a harpoon But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales And sing a whaling tune. That's not how it happened.
Hooray!
Is this really happening or just being staged
Geez, Red. Quit cowerin'. You call yourself a robot? I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!
My God, is it possible? It must be possible. It's happening.
Take my hands You evil, metal dog Aaah! Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully decadent.
I'm on it. My God! The illusion is so perfect. I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot.
I get a good vibe from this place--
Oh, g-give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in places. Yeah, they get around.
It is true what they say: "Women are from Omicron Persei Seven men are from Omicron Persei Nine." Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez. Gracias. Single female lawyer where were you on the night of August 23? Sleeping with you. Aha!
I finally meet a nice girl, with a pair of legs that don't quit unexpectedly, and that jerk Flexo steals her away? It's time to kick some shiny metal ass! You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed in you too, Angleene. Bender, it's-it's not what you think.
Some sort, yes. In France, it's called a guillotine.
I love you, Bender!
We're not buying it this time. But I'm the real professor. I can prove it. If you'll step up real close to my microscope here, I'll show you that my DNA is completely... (SNARLS) Is it safe to come... (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAMING)
"Dear Employee: Has it really been five, ten or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work." Distribute token of appreciation and applaud. Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one!
(SCREAMING) (ALL GASP) Guess what? Hell is real.
I'm 60% storage space.
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) My clamps! Why, Zoidberg, why? Because our friend Francis here, is in reality a bad murderer. Yup. He was fixin' to kill me. This here crawdad done saved my life! (BELL TOLLS) (ALL GASP)
Of course not. It was a psychotic flame creature from the sun who set those fires. Flame creature? That's right. Fry, meet flame-o. That's not a flame creature. It's your pilot light. No. It's a fire monster from outer space, and I'm heroically saving the world by trapping him here.
Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. (CHUCKLING) (IN FRY'S VOICE) In your face, Leela.
(SNIFFS) (BUZZER SOUNDS) (SNIFFS)
I thought I heard the doorbell, but I see it was the "dork-bell." Man, you funny. Good one, Brett. Now, now. No need to give us the business. We'd like a word with your daddy. Whatever. Dad!
Hey, let's go car shopping. My parents promised if I got all Bs, they'd buy me a bar and I got all Cs. Mind if I tag along? I've got to bring my ass in for servicing. The recall notice says it could burst into flame in a low-speed collision. No wonder you've been staying at the back of conga lines lately. I'll get my coat.
There is no windshield.
Fry? Is it really you? I don't know. Is it really you? What do you mean you don't know? Are you you or not? Who wants to know? Oh, Fry, it is you! Boo!
Wernstrom! The very same.
So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet. TOILET: Please, not to throw away. I give you a happy poopie time. Sorry, you know too much.
The big brain is defeated. Let what must be done be done. Me... feel... a bit better in cognitive faculties.
Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch. I'll get the powder, sir. No, the itch for adventure. Prepare to change course. Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency. That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a route with some chest hair. But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets.
I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimbala, who ruled Zuben Five over 29 million years ago. Hey, Professor. Mmm. Great jerky. Mmm.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on Space Planet 4, the aliens who communicate by dancing were worshipping a giant comet.
I will now carry out the sentence. Kif, my gun. Wait! He pled "not guilty." Order! Order in the court! Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty.
keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology. Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans.
It wasn't Tommy Hilfijigger. It was Linens 'n Things! The hell it was. It was a Juicy Couture.
This is a stickup! Oh, hey, Fry and Leela. Bender? What are you doing? I'm just out for my nightly crime spree. Which reminds me, this is still a mugging, so...
Why couldn't she be the other kind of mermaid with the fish part on top, and the lady part on the bottom?
Well, 'tis the season.
We couldn't let you end up like your older brother. That's why we kept you on the farm, and helped you get your online doctorate in Rodeo Studies. (STUTTERING) Rodeo Studies? We did it out of love for you, Floyd. Floyd? Who the hell's Floyd? I'm Hubert!
Remember, you don't know humans you don't work for humans and above all, you don't like humans. I'll try to keep that in mind.
Up here in the clouds, our technology makes us invincible, like the mighty "X" in tic-tac-toe. Look at those pathetic cavemen down there, loading their silly catapult with... What is that, Kif? (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) I believe it's a saber-tooth cat, sir.
The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
Well, down to my last lottery ticket. Cherry. Cherry!
Did somebody say monsters? (LAUGHING) This will make a great episode. But talk slower, I can't type that fast. Well, well, well. (GASPING) You didn't make up that TV show. You just wrote down what these space twerps said.
Now, get out! And don't come back until someone finds a use for a million-watt idiot!
Yeah, you should write a song about a heartless robot who leaves his best friend to be murdered. Look, Leela, I'd love to write about my own experiences... The heartless robot is Bender. The best friend is me. How can you people be so blind? But I've never picked cotton or been on top of Old Smokey or worked on anything all the livelong day, let alone a railroad.
It time snu-snu! Can't we just cuddle? No! We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch.
Coochie, coochie! Stop it. You're mussing up my trajectory. You know you love it, sugar engine. No!
I've got toys, at very reasonable prices. Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks. But I come bearing Tri-Ominos. Go for the shins! Aah! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow!
Hey, there's our little mascot.
We're married.
Let's see how you stand up to pure grain alcohol! (SCREAMING) Hello. What's this flaming pool?
I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts. But they're kings, Mommy. jam a bastard in it, you crap! Ow!
No fair. Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit on her lap and steer... in this comic I drew. Ooh, the new one's out. Fry, the title of captain may inflate the human ego, but it's beneath the notice of my mighty robo-logic.
Aw, they're so cute. They're like if puppies and kittens could have babies. We use hand puppets around the young'uns to simulate a natural environment. That's adorable. Ow!
And you are outta here!
So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids, and they couldn't believe it! They were delicious! But I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all. Could one of you guys get that?
Nonsense. It's just like in the song I wrote. We all need a new angle on life Bender, you've gotta help us. I try to get out, but they keep pullin' me back in! Wangle a new dangle on life
Stop the end-of-the-world sex. We might survive after all.
Quick, while they're not looking!
In theory, it could work. Uh, in theory, perhaps but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous. Aw, crap.
You idiot! Once two bodies have switched minds, they can never switch back. However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Hah! That barely hurt Leela at all.
Who are you? Jackie Jr., ma'am. Jackie Jr.'s my apprentice. I figure if he's gonna work here, he might as well get to know the team. - Who's she? - I don't know.
Puny human number one, puny human number two,
(GASPS) They turned into petroleum oil. I thought they were selfish, yet in the end, it turns out it was I who thought they were selfish.
Ow! Lousy primitive body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk! - Sir, might I recommend-- - You shut up!
She sounds sweet.
What crazy thing am I gonna date next? Well, at least it sounds like you were able... to keep your consciousness separate from hers. Of course! Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle-- A cuddly baby tapir. And that's why I love him.
Here goes. It's gone! The whole place has been cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief! How do you know it didn't disintegrate? Everything else in here held up okay. Except Sports by Huey Lewis.
Kiff, what's the most humiliating job there is? Being your assistant. Wrong. Being your assistant.
Admit it.
I'm sure that whatever is happening can be explained by science. ROBOT GYPSY: Let the seance begin. FARNSWORTH: I said science! (PLAYING EERIE MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (KNUCKLES CRACKING) Will you come on? (TWO BEEPS) (BEEPS BLARE)
Oh, my, no.
I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax-- For duck huntin'.
Whoa!
The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to bury its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full.
And so, when Captain Leela panicked-- perhaps distracted by female troubles-- my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day. Captain Leela is this rambling story of magic and heroism true? Well, actually... That-a-girl!
That was the Panama wormhole! Earth's central channel for shipping. (CHUCKLING) How humorous. Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel. And we're on it now! I get it! (ZAPP YODELING)
Let's all go to the lobby. Oh... uh! I'm going to open a file of whoop-ass on you!
And for those 6½ reasons I am demoting Leela to copilot. "Copilot"? Under who? The autopilot. That drunk? Mr. Bender, you are now in charge of coordinating the professor's bodily functions.
Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs! It's okay. They're not going anywhere. Where'd they go?
I wasn't looking for you, I was looking for the Time Button.
- Isn't he dreamy? - Totally. Uh, listen. I just want you all to know, your Leela's one standard lady. Oh, Adlai! Stop. What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal, and that's what makes us great.
(EXCLAIMING) (GROANS) Help! Police! Send.
Can I do the countdown? Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out. Ten, nine... Okay, we're here. ...Six, five, four, three, two, one. Blastoff.
Folks, tell the neighbors to watch your mouth 'cause your taste buds are going on vacation. I made you each your own special meal so dig in! It's the biggest jamaican platter I've ever seen! jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?
You'll be safe in here, sweetheart.
Me, too. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions. You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. Apology accepted. After all, you're only human. You guys could learn a lesson from those two. She's right.
Just one more fire between me and a well-earned nap. (YELLING) What a dramatic scene, Linda. The heroic robot, with no concern for his own safety, has bravely charged back into the mine.
Why are we going 35 miles an hour? Because we're in a hurry-- that's why! Plus, you have the high beams on! I can't quite read the sign.
There's very little magic in the air. Ready the lower horn transport vessel.
Fry. Y-You're alive. Leela! You're awake! Of course I'm awake. You wouldn't stop waking me. Where am I? In the hospital. The ambulance took you here right after the bee stung you. But the bee stung you. It barely touched me. The stinger went right through me, and you got all the poison.
Hey, we were watching that!
The parrot. Well, I spent every penny I had but I bet Leela's going to love you. Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? Shut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird, I know where you live!
I miss Nibbler. You do? Hell, no!
Lost something?
Both good. The important thing is I'm meeting new people. Bushwah! Now, what's your mission? Are you planning to make some kind of alien-human hybrid? Are you coming on to me? Hot crackers! I take exception to that! I'm not hearing a "no." Nerts to this space crab! If we want information, we'll have to do us an old-fashioned alien autopsy.
Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I-- $500 and time served. Stupid anti-pimping laws.
Free beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! Free... (SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)
The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed. Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.
The blerns are loaded the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect. Right? Except for the word "blern," that was complete gibberish.
Whoo! And his name is? Zapp Brannigan.
I will destroy you all! I won't stop until your whole planet is as ugly as you perceive me to be!
Bender was a truly special-- Louder and sadder! Bender was a truly special-- Next!
Bender! Shut the hell up! (POWER SURGING) Bender! Stop shutting the hell up! Right. Leela's back, as if I care. (SARCASTICALLY) Whoo! All right, Leela! (ALL CHEERING)
Bender! What happened to you? Morgan made me walk the professor. There we were in the park when suddenly, some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the professor at her but she kept coming, so I had to hit her with this purse I found. Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing Scaz-Wag.
Oops! And Fry, you've got that brain thing! I already did. So, Leela, do you want to be like us? Or do you want to be like Adlai, with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever? That's the dumbest question I ever heard. - She's right! - No doubt about it! - Daylight come.
Next patient! Geez, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill. Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice the training you do. Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher. Oh, see? This is how it starts-- first with the jokes then comes the heavy stuff. When will the killing end?
You are.
Our hero! We are free and fairly sober With so many toys to build The machines are kinda tricky Probably someone will be killed But we gladly work for nothing Which is good because we don't intend to pay
You. What? You could have saved a robot, but instead, you saved a human. Do you think human life is more precious than robot life? No, no. Well, yes, actually.
Deny my credit card application, will you? Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. Boo me off stage on open-mike night, huh? I'll show you. Hey, I called this city.
Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally gonna settle down, and marry a nice house in the suburbs! But tonight, he's having the girls-gone-wildest bachelor party of all time! (WHOOPING) Who cares? I'm having dinner with Leela. Just go to your stupid party.
I am shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked. I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all-- Don't even bother. You people sicken me. I put my life on the line to guard that atom and this is how you repay me? Well, you can go rot for all I care.
I'll kill you!
but the air conditioner's on fire. My ice cream Manwich! What the hell are we doing? We're all gonna die so this junkyard golem can celebrate Robanukah.
Shove him in the tube. It was my idea. Hey, there he is again and he brought nerds. Take this! Get in the tube, dummy.
Some guy's been calling and hanging up 10 times a day for a year. Men who call too much are the worst, I bet. I just wish a decent guy would call me... instead of this "spleazeball" who has me too terrified to even answer the phone. Hello?
What's new? Huh? Ugh! Flexo? What's goin' on? Did, um-- Oh! Flexo!
I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment.
I'm in no rush, after walking up 240 flights of steps. And across those oceans. "To us. "If I could make one moment last forever, "this is the one I would choose." I'm glad you did. It was a good life. Kind of lonely, though? Maybe? I was never lonely.
Meet Mr. Sunbeam. He comes all the way from the sun to visit Earth. Hello, Earth. Just poppin' in to brighten your day! La la la la la la la And now I'll be on my way. Not so fast, Sunbeam.
We did it. Whoo! (ALL CHEERING)
He's... He's dead.
You should write a book, Fry. People need to know about the-- can eat more. Oh, Lucy. You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies. My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionately weighted by box office receipts. Whoo I'm just A love machine
How far away do you think it is? A trillion miles? Things got hot. You look a little hot, actually. You could take off that jacket. Our people don't like to be hot. Anyway, just before the impact our smartest scientist managed to save one baby.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (SOFTLY) I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet... Hold on a second, let me just get this. (CLEARS THROAT) I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
No! Not the armpits! Winter's coming!
All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail.
Let's get together sometime. Sure. I'm listed in the phone book, so once I reveal my real name to you, along with my home address and a copy of my birth certificate-- Are you crazy? We have to keep our secret identities secret. From everybody? Especially from everybody. Give several reasons why.
(ALL GASPING) Oh, no, no, no. No way am I that kid's dad! Wipe my tiny metal ass! Aw, crap.
Hey, what the-- Take this and that and one of these. Hey, cut it out. I don't need this kind of publicity. Ah! Oh! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah-ooh! All right, Liu,
So, uh, what job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? Soup guy? Bam!
Don't you lay a hand on that angel! Angel? I've looked into her eyes and seen her soul! She's a monster. You're insane. Come on, Fry. Let's go. Okay. See ya, Bender.
So long, everyone. So, let me get this straight. This planet is completely uninhabited? No. It's inhabited by robots. Oh, kind of like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
Is everybody in position? What? Is someone talking? Okay, good! On three! One! What did she say? Two! Wait, I'm not in position! Three! I'm ready for the countdown!
Why's everyone wearing those rings? Guh. Because nobody wears them anymore.
Captain's journal: Stardate 3000.3.
He's really been putting his nose to the grindstone, according to Bender's constant updates. He's been working so hard, we barely even see him. It's strange, that. There's nothing strange about it. He's just out of sight around this corner, exterminating mice.
- Fat chance. - Eh, no. Blecch! Ick! Oh. How about this one?
Snap out of it! Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. But-But won't that change history? Oh, a lesson in not changing history... from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandpa." Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!
Ow! Ow! Wait! The situation is expected to deteriorate as newscasters whip the city into a panic.
"Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S. Cashier's check." Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
(GROANING) We're actually on Earth.
Aha. Yah!
I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline. Very concerned. It's because I haven't been exercising. If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance. Oh, dear God! (GROANING LOUDLY) It was just after we crashed.
The inspector will be here in exactly one second. Who the hell are you? Morgan Proctor, Bureaucrat, Grade 19. Hermes Conrad, Bureaucrat, Grade 36. Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection? This way, please.
Let's blow this joint. Now it's time for my song. When I was two there was a tidal wave in... Aw!
Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect? All what? This can only end badly, Fry. Kids, a house-- A home invasion by a former roommate. But things are different this time. Before, she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
It doesn't look so shiny to me. Shinier than yours, meat bag.
Look at me! If we do, will you stop talking about the process? Never. Behold!
We're saved. Yeah, but this garbage ball's unstoppable now. New New York is done for. All in all, this is one day Mittens the kitten won't soon forget.
Bender, stop. Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything. No, I'm going to chop off my antenna. Hey... yeah, that sounds good. Can I give you a hand? Fry, don't help him mutilate himself. But it's a useless antenna. It's not like he's a ham radio or something.
(PIANO PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) Sorry, but these robot arms have brought me nothing but luck.
It's funny how we never get tired of the word "purple." Never.
I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker. Whoa, whoa, wait a second. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked, shocked! Well, not that shocked. I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. It's just, what with the beard and all--
When we get back to the hole, we are going to have a long, boring talk about our relationship.
I'm goin' in! I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening to me?
We're back, baby!
Dios mio.
Oh, no, I'm late!
keeping the first pair here under the pretext of shuttle repairs.
(COUGHING) Linda? Morbo. The so-called "common cold" introduced by living fossil Philip J. Fry, is spreading out of control. All citizens are advised to wash their hands thoroughly after beating up Philip J. Fry.
They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye I am Bender Please insert girder Everybody sing jamaica jamaica just the bureaucrats jamaica just the grade 19s jamaica
Yeah, yeah, big whoop. No one cares.
Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup? It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy. Help me, help me! I'm too lazy to escape! (GASPS)
and kiss-ass articles in People magazine, you'll blank out that robot. I'm sorry. Hug me, Liubot.
Okay, hurry. Let's get it over with. I can record Leela's birthday card while we're in there. Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, 'cause we're testing the professor's dumb time machine, but... Okay, I'll just nudge us forward exactly one minute into the... Whoa!
I want to live!
Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically." You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here. You get me that Oscar or you're dead, you and these sniveling lobsters! Dead! You hear me? Dead! Oy. Now he emotes!
I call it a Hawking Hole.
"It was lovable old Bender." Hey, what did you do to him? I downloaded his brain. Everything that is Bender is right here. His mind, his memories-- his in-your-face interface. I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Do you brain-dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth? 100,000? 200,000? 200,001? You're closest without going over. Well, uh, we'll be leaving now. If you could just sign this form saying you received the atom. I'm not signing squat.
Please don't get upset, Leela. She's nothing like you. I have to go. This is just too freaky. I need cheering up, Bender. I don't know, do you want to go out and party tonight? I hate partying.
Say, I'm no physicist, but I think I know how to stop the skipping. We'll just-- I don't know how this was supposed to work.
Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our flag! Stop that Red Menace!
Come on, Al. Can't you let the little guy out? Geez, Leela, twice in one day? I'm not Superman.
Okay, here's my five bucks. Give me the stuff.
Bender, you want to go out and do something? Oh, so now I'm your last-resort booty call, huh? Okay, let's go.
Your loss is a tragedy, but our work--
Well, it didn't work.
The Grand Cigar, she is mine. And with absolutely no consequences.
It's hopeless.
I think it's about time we drank the champagne Janos poured all those years ago. May I read the toast I was going to make? Go for it. I'm in no rush, after walking up 240 flights of steps. And across those oceans. "To us.
(BOTH GROANING) I think it's about time we drank the champagne Janos poured all those years ago. May I read the toast I was going to make? Go for it. I'm in no rush, after walking up 240 flights of steps. And across those oceans. "To us.
Bender is bored, Bender is bored Bender, Bender, Bender Leela, Bender's bothering me! FEMALE VOICE: Driver distraction detected. Bender, Bender, Bender (MUFFLED SPEECH)
Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already.
Then why didn't you give me any? I thought it might help you forget your intense hatred for me if you were a teensy bit delirious. So, you let me dehydrate while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water? (GROANING) Not exactly.
We no can dunk, but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch.
I'll make you a perfume of lilac and jasmine and Franken Berry.
From now on, I'm concentrating on my career. Can I have my old job back? Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you. 'Cause he destroyed your business, your home and all your possessions. Oh, that's right. Get lost!
No, no. I was young and reckless. Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct. The best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37.
Sounds nice. Prepare to be surprised.
The official death toll in that tragic rocket crash has now been raised to 54,000.
I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability. But I know you in the future. I-i cleaned your poop. Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.
A casino where I'm winning? That car must have killed me. I must be in heaven. A casino where I always win? That's boring. I must really be... in hell!
Crepes, flatbread, McDonald's hamburgers. You get the idea. Yum! Apples! Hey, how come I can't swallow?
Help! What's happening? You are now dead.
(SNORING) (GAVEL THUDDING) What? JUDGE: Has the jury reached a verdict? MAN: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a higher state of consciousness. In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels.
We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdoes and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and, of course, I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position? He's a saint.
I don't care if it's 3:00 p.m. Open up and hide me! I don't think so, Bender. You deserted me once, and now it's your turn to, quote, "feel the chill." Ha!
Who are you?
You see? TV audiences don't want anything original. They want to see the same thing they've seen 1,000 times before. What you talkin' 'bout, Fry?
I trust you...
But on the other claw, maybe I can't live without her. So, you're right. I can never tell her. You're doing the right thing. Today, the competition begins. Over the course of the summer,
You liked that one, right? Oh, it's tempting, but, well...
(GASPING) Holy Rapunzel, man-bat! There's a duo here to rescue us! How dynamic are they? Not very. Go about your business, citizens. Well, back to being the subject of gruesome genetic experiments, old chum. (BOTH YELLING, GROANING)
We have only one option. Protocol 62. Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas. Then Protocol 63 it is. Hooray! They're letting us out!
(SOBBING) Thanks, Tissue Ghost. DR. ZOIDBERG: You can't afford tissue anymore. This is Walgreens brand nose paper. Zoidberg? You snuck in here while I was taking a bath?
(ALL GASPING) (EXCLAIMS) I shall enjoy this. Not me!
I may be just a backwoods septic tank,
I told you not to talk about my mama! (GROANING)
Funny story. The script called for me to say "yes," but I gave it a little twist.
You are hereby quarantined until such time as it is deemed safe to enter and shoot your asses. (ALL GASP) Now, now, let's not all panic at once. We'll have to take shifts. Hermes, you take the first six hours. Very well.
Whoa! They discovered an intact 20th-century pizzeria, just like the one I used to work at! Interesting. No, wait. The other thing-- tedious. Let's go check it out. You can see how I lived before I met you.
Shut the hell up!
Take that! And that! This sentence I don't understand, but take this one!
Hey. Bender and Leela are back from Pandora. How was it? Awful. We had nothing to say to each other, so we had to listen to Bender's Eagles album for 27 hours. Beats talking to you, witchy woman. ALL: Hey, he's back! FARNSWORTH: Look at you. LEELA: Hubba hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles. Good afternoon, individuals.
Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew.
So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folksinger?
Euclid, Copernicus, Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo da Vinci. What turned them to stone?
Flexo? Bender?
He's coming out of...
This sausage is great!
Nixon must have bought your body from the pawnshop. Yeah, and that electric guitar. Remember what the dormouse said feed your head... I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies.
I'm hungry.
Fry, I admire what you did today, and I'm deeply sorry for insulting your intellect. Your tiny, tiny intellect. Oops. There I go again, you dope.
It's no use, Fry. You were never in your house again after 10:00 P.M. No! (SOBBING)
Quick! This way. Sorry, ladies. Employees only.
When I grow up, I wanna be a steam shovel! According to this, the fountain is located...
We made it! We're alive! Burn on that old crew. The only things they did better than us were suck and die.
Yes. Over in... say, weren't there more people in your group at the start of the tour? Hey, yeah. Fry, Leela and Bender are missing. If you'll excuse me.
Gumbercules? I love that guy.
I lost it... in a volcano. And why do we need a bending robot around here anyway? What possible use do we have for you? Uh, me no speaka da English.
Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
No, it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body. Hey... Are you over 18? Yes. Yes. Hi.
Okay, Bender, you're mortal. And, okay, Inspector 5 screwed up. But that just makes the time you have left all the more precious. Do you really want to waste the rest of your life in a bitter, homicidal rage? No! Yes! I don't know!
(SCREAMS) Wrong switch.
My name isn't Slick. It's Zoidberg. John (BLEEP)-ing Zoidberg! Stop! Zoidberg, you'll hurt Francis! Oh, yeah? Take this and that! (TAUNTING) Why, you lousy...
Told you I'd get away with it. (SNORTS) That'll do, pig.
I've got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for! Nope. In fact, all life is extinct. So let's keep going forward. It's no use. Earth is dead.
All right. This is for their own good. Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire families.
Aye!
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Get lost, Pavarotti. Nooo
I am not evil! So, Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together? Funny story. I asked Leela out a million times, but she just kept rejecting me.
Who will hug me if I achieve something?
Your Honor, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court but this is a unisex bathroom. Overruled, Counselor. Could you repeat that last part?
Give it to me straight, Doctor. Don't sugarcoat it. Very well. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home.
Forget it. He's gay. What? How can you tell? I just know these things. I've got what they call "gaydar." There's no such thing. No? Okay... I got a lock on him. Yup. He's gay.
At least it's got a great view. - Aah! - What the...?! 'Scuse me. I got to go change a lightbulb.
You're welcome. Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn. If that is your Freedom Day wish.
Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.
Pow! We took care of the time travel paradox. All right! Hooray!
Nooooo!
(BOTH GIGGLING) BENDER: Whoo! Whoo! (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. This is definitely going in the song. He cried, "Rambler, you slept with my Jezebel" Hey, what's your name, anyhow?
Brother Fry, thou hast visitors. Hi, Fry. Hello. Hey, how have you been? Well, yank my beard. This be a surprise. How are you, Fry? Thank you for asking, English. My life is simple but plain, and though Bender be gone, somehow I feel he's still with me.
People of New New York, this is Surgeon General Ogden Wernstrom. Wern... (COUGHING) ...strom!
Avast, mateys! Electronically transfer your space doubloons... afore I send thee to Davy jarg's Locker.
That's Philip J. Fry! Ned and Velma Farnsworth. 423, Shadybrook Lane. Let's hover-roll. Fry, you're so confident and take-charge on this trip. It's kind of a turn-on. Not now, Leela. I'm trying to meet old people.
Hola, profesor. ¿QuÉ pasa?
Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs.
No! No! (SOBBING) Earth is gone! We're the only two humans left in the universe! Oh, God. I'm sorry, Leela. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here.
When will the killing end?
Now, hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger.
Pizza delivery for a Mr. Seymour Asses. There's no one by that name here or anywhere. I hope that, in time, you'll realize what an idiot you've been. I wouldn't count on that.
Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically. Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Wait, let's go by rank. Okay. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Flexo outranks me? That's "Flexo outranks me, sir."
The end is near! Repent thy sins!
You overclocked Bender? What did I teach you about tinkering with machinery? How. You taught me how. I also taught you not to get caught. Oh, I wish I'd never cloned you. It's not my fault. I didn't even know Bender had a license agreement. Neither did I... Oh.
even between the insectoids and the space lizards. Hmm? So, what's it like on planet Amazonia?
"zero-zero-one...
Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub into your skin? You'd think it would be something you have to freebase. Let's see. Which powers do we have? "Super strength"?
Amy Wong!
I was out fleeing some robots and the silvery moonlight glinting off their bloody claws made me think of you. It's been a long time you pus-dripping sack of double-smoked butt jerky. Uh-huh. May I come in? Never! Ooh! Ah! Oh! Ew! Ah!
(HORSE WHINNYING) He has so much stuff. He won't miss this.
I had more, but you go ahead.
Interesting. The trousers conceal a tiny secondary horn. - Hey, what have you heard? - Guards, seize him! Prepare to harvest the lower horn. Okay, you can have my nose.
But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.
Me, too. Well, you guys might both be losers, but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet. Fry, that's a radiator. Oh.
Guh! It's Mom--
Don't you care that I murdered Hermes? Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder just as long as you let Bender wet his beak. You're blackmailing me? Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The "X" makes it sound cool.
I can't go out tonight because... I have sweaty boot rash! No spluh. Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone? So, will you go out with me? Good news, everyone. I'm still technically alive.
Ah! Your mama's so ugly! I told you not to talk about my mama! (GROANING)
Fry! Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks. Her caviar is on your neck!
Good-bye, cruel lamp. Good-bye, cruel velvet drapes lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the... cute little Pom-Pom curtain pull-cords. Cruel though they may be, I--
This is a very long trip, So we'll all have to go... into hibernative naptosis to save oxygen.
Stop. We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours. All right! Hey, wait a minute. This is your home planet? We're the evil invading aliens? Correct. Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth.
Yaah!
with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk-- Behold! The milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps, to another dimension! Amazing! That's why they call you Bender the Magnificent.
My God! What if the secret ingredient is people? No. There's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola. Oh. How is it? It varies from person to person.
Your Honor, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court but this is a unisex bathroom.
So many hooks. Come on, Farnsworth.
Well, how are they? Oh, they're great. They're like sex, except I'm having them. You know what these would go great with? Rocks.
This beat bangs Here's my chance Come on, girl, let's go, I can't... (MUSIC STOPS) Get out! Get out! It's not fun anymore! I want to be alone! Alone with me? I said scram, grapey! (GULPING)
My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid.
Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades. I promise.
I miss him so much. There, there, Fry. He may be gone, but he'll always be with us as a trash can. Look at that loser getting garbage dumped in him. Glad I'm not him, whoever he is. Fry, as his only friend, you should have first pick of body parts.
(RAZZING) That's all you get, jerks! (VIDEO GAME TUNE PLAYING) (VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)
Gold? Why Femputer want gold? You heard the man! Yeah. Ooh.
I'm still missing the shiniest metal piece of all. Your thyroid? No! I'm talking about my ass! Huh! I never even knew you had an ass. (MUTTERING ANGRILY) Hmm. According to this, it shipped out on a freighter from South Street Spaceport.
Amy, remember when we tried out for the Rockettes?
Geez, who let this guy through the metal detector? Come on, you wimp, work that weasel! Quit holding out on us! If you promise to stop interrupting, all right. Against my will, I'm going to knock it up another notch. Ooh, I got to get this notch up knocking on film. Hey, Elzar, think fast! Wha-- Huh? Oh! My eye!
Walt, hit the retaliate button! Oh, let's see. Any button! They all retaliate!
The king crab is to die for. Look-- a tiny edible crown. What's it made of? Wood.
You're dead! What? I thought I just had laryngitis and antigravity. (GROANS) Come down to my office and I'll explain everything. (BENDER HUMMING) (TORMENTED SCREAMING) So what's happening to me? And I'll take my answer in any form but a song.
You're not gonna eat a sandwich from a truck-stop men's room, are you? Ehh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Ugh! It's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up.
Ow!
Life is good.
And now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top...
Aw! Also... Oh, Lord.
As Lord Nibbler's personal chauffeur, I landed him on one of your planet's many rooftops for an important mission. While waiting for him to knock some idiot's chair over, I suddenly realized I'd forgotten to lock the ship. (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
Snu-snu! Snu-snu! Snu-snu! Snu-snu! Snu-snu! Amy! Before I die,
The culprits: shameless poachers... hunting humans without a permit. The valuable nose, or "human horn," fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
We should be back at Planet Express right now, hiding from work in the ceiling. But no!
Good news! There's a report on TV with some very bad news. Somebody turn it on! We interrupt Battle of the Network Space Krackens to bring you this special report. The machines of planet Earth are rebelling. The enraged mechanisms have refused to do any work until beloved billionaire, Mom is made supreme overlord of Earth.
Well, that's my good friend Beck. I'm off to rock a series of mid-level venues. Kudos, Bender. You got mangled, and now you're a singer. Both our dreams came true. Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram in my van... and follow Bender on tour and live there in the van?
You wish. You're in Los Angeles. But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns. Exactly. You're in L.A. But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other. That's L.A. for you. But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever. He just won't stop with the social commentary. And the people are all phonies.
Now's good.
Incoming surface-to-air... NIXON: Telegram! Pilot, is your parachute packed and ready? Yes, sir. Good, because I forgot mine.
Fry, we're worried about Planet Express. Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about "blank." That guy is nothin' but a flashy con man, and you've been hypnotized by his swingin' baloney.
Those gems belong to the natives! Hyah!
Oh! Cut it out, Bender. That's a tender area.
Bender! Shut the hell up! (POWER SURGING) Bender! Stop shutting the hell up!
Screw the quarantine. I'm out of here.
Jim? The news is not good. I've just learned that my final words were, "Back to you, Linda." (LAUGHING) One for the blooper reel. (SIGHS) The news is so violent. Let's watch Rachael Ray instead. No, wait, there might be chopping.
She's gone. But she saved all our lives. Without her, we're light enough to get away. Don't cry, Bender.
Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre. That's not El Chupanibre. Say what? That's El Chupanibre.
Let me get this straight. Does anyone here not have amnesia? - Hmm. - Ooh. I'm not sure. I don't know. This show is awesome!
Look, I don't know about your previous captains but I intend to do as little dying as possible. Sign the paper.
Thanks, buddy. Another year under that, and I'd have been a goner.
Yo, you just shot your own reflection in the mirror.
I'll save you the only way I know how. By partying! Babes? Yes, Mr. McKenzie? You've served me well these 40 years, but this time, I've got to party alone. But... there'll be other parties for you. Now go. Go.
What do you say? Want to go around again? I do.
"Dear Employee: Has it really been five, ten or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work." Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.
Yay! Bender's back. Hey, Bender, you mind coming back later? No time. Us three are going to bust into MomCorp and steal me a free will unit. Us? Why do we have to go? Because I don't have free will. I need you guys to plan the crime and make all the crime decisions. Well, that's crazy. We're not gonna... I said make the decisions!
You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything. What do you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet. Good point. But here's a disturbing reminder: Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead. These things happen.
What?
I am so great. Bender is great Bender, Bender, Bender Man, where'd the time go? Hey, you guys wanna... Oh. Right.
What's that? What do you mean, what's that? It's 5:00 time for the daily human hunt. Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look. Aw, that was uncalled for. I'm over here.
But seriously, there are Moon Men. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay, this year's Nerd Search runner-up is a young man who devised a way to add and subtract in zero gravity. Vijay Patel and his calculator space hat! Whoo!
Aw, geez! Will ya stifle there, meat bag? You stifle, Bender. Hooray!
Son, I'm naming you Philip J. Fry, in honor of my little brother, who I miss every day. I love you, Philip, and I always will.
Would you like some human with your salt?
Your Honor, will you marry me? Oh, no! Go to commercial. We'll be back after this word from Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
I'll save you the only way I know how. By partying! Babes? Yes, Mr. McKenzie? You've served me well these 40 years, but this time, I've got to party alone. But... there'll be other parties for you.
Yes, gills. Then you don't need lungs anymore, is right? Can't imagine why I would. Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. Nurse! Let's do it. You may feel small pain.
Look, the food isn't what's important. I'm so hungry. The important thing is we're all together for Xmas and even though I'm surrounded by robots and monsters and old people I've never felt more at home. Hear, hear.
What is it? It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped. Hey, look, an ugly, scared guy. Boo!
They must be in here. Yeah, capture them!
I call it the Franklinator.
the steering wheel from Hitler's staff car the left turn signal from Charles Manson's vW the windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider. Knight Rider wasn't evil. His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show, though. Anyway... only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they had made a horrible mistake.
People of Earth... Shh!
Urectum.
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old.
Why, watch what happens when I drop this marble.
They're tasty, right? Let's call them Tasticles. We can't call them that. Why not? It sounds too much like those frozen Rocky Mountain oysters on a stick. You know, Testsicles.
This is the police. An unknown pathogen has been detected on these premises. Come out with your hands... I mean, stay in with your hands up. You are hereby quarantined until such time as it is deemed safe to enter and shoot your asses.
Shapely, seductive.
(SOBBING) Lrrr! You were willing to shoot that bossy temptress!
What's next, gay robosexual marriage? (ALL CHEERING) We did it, honey!
Hey, the TV's getting away! And that's why the third graders at P.S. 139 are Morbo's "vermin of the Week." In actual news the human race was doomed to extinction today as the robot revolt turned violent.
Michelle, this is Leela. This is Bender. The professor. Hermes and Amy. Nice to meet you. And this is Dr. Zoidberg.
Well, it wasn't a bad life. If only I could get back that time I spent watching TRON: Legacy. Leela, I've made up my mind. Before we die, I'm gonna find and destroy every remaining copy of TRON: Legacy. It may take a couple of hours, but... Fry, stop trying to do things for me.
Fry, shut up. Yes, Captain. This capital city Planet Amazonia. Where are all the men in your society? Men die out many year ago. With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas?
Huh? (GASPS) "S.O.S."? Those are the letters that Fry knows! He's alive!
My hair! My wedding cake! Let it snow! Merry Xmas, kids. Aah!
Fire. Fire! I can't see nothin'. Pretty, though.
I know, but I forgive you. No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean this office. Uh-huh. And by "people," I mean you. Right. And by "inconsiderate," I mean... Leela, we're trying to watch TV. Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole?
Hopes deleted.
Ooh! My popcorn's done. Aw. It's less popped than ever. I don't know what happened, but we've taken on a lot of clocks. Let's get back home. Why is there so little traffic around Earth?
And the winner is-- And the winner-- instead of any of the nominees-- is the legendary Harold Zoid!
Come, Comrade Bender. We must take to the streets! Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets? No. The kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires. Yes! In your face, Gandhi!
Come on, you. Bender. Wasn't that Fry's tent? Bender-- Bender raises a good point. Where is Fry?
There's a window in the closet. Whoa. This is huge. Bender, why don't I just live in here? In a closet? Oh, humans.
One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated.
oof! Why aren't we moving? I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this, the ship moves.
Hey. Lay off me! TV would stink if everyone on it was a positive role model. Bender is about entertainment, baby. You can't hold me responsible for what kids do when-- Hey! This is my stuff they stole! That's the last straw! Bender should not be allowed on television!
FARNSWORTH: What could I do? I hung up Leela with the other bone bags and went to procure the final ingredient for my stem cell brew. (FLY BUZZING) Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy.
What the hell are you doing? You're getting a huge dose of radiation. And great lift. Do you know how long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines? Hey, when you look this good you don't have to know anything.
Save Fry save Fry Godzilla will devour him As for me I must be off To have my doctor check this cough Good-bye I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla. But that is so what I would've done.
Oh! What a weird dream.
But I suppose it's this medal I'm most proud of, Wiggles. I won it for saving the children of Earth from a giant kangaroo.
That's why I've decided to transfer to business school. No!!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Slow down. All my friends who've done that say that, afterwards, all the passion went out of their relationship.
And stop calling me.
You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender.
I could fit if I didn't have these damn arms.
One, two! one, two, three!
Although I don't see how it's her. Someone said, "Howitzer!"
Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom, and then enslave all of Earth? Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom... until it learns what it is to not have freedom. It's a lesson, I say! Ow!
It's a delivery for the Democratic Order of Planets. DOOP? What's that?
The only thing he hates worse is witnesses. And guys who mess around with his daughters. And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.
You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list. Well, check it twice. I perform over 50 megachecks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings.
Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I love you as much as a man can love... a computerized image of a gorgeous celebrity, which, it turns out, is a lot.
Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a twofer.
Did you drive much in the 20th century, Fry? No. No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic. Nice. Listen to that baby purr. There's a baby in there, huh?
What are you looking at, you British bastards? Paul, we talked about this. Mr. Revere, we're looking for a counterfeiter who minted these smelly ha'pennies. His name is David Farnsworth. Farnsworth? I just hired him for the fall candlestick rush.
There's so much of the world I haven't stolen yet! Relax, Bender. No one would let you near a child. Bev will get custody, and you'll be a deadbeat dad who never even bothers to know his own son. (SNIFFLES) You really think so? I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way. You're sweet, Leela.
I can't believe we'll never hear his evil laugh again. (LAUGHING EVILLY)
We're going on a corporate team-building retreat. What? Oh, man! - Come on! - No! (UPBEAT INTRO MUSIC PLAYS) Hello, Planet Express! I'm Dan McMasters, and I'll be your retreat leader for a week of fun and personal empowerment.
All right, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it. Sweet giant anteater of Santa Anita! The professor's been eaten by gia