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1.1s(STAMMERING) Wait a minute.
3.2sNow, I thought earlier you said that both of your bunkmates were killed.
2.27sNow you're saying only one of them was?
3.39sBut I just want you guys to know I barely even touched that penis at first.
2.94sWhat? Come on, Dad. Whatev.
2.72sHey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here.
2.4sWait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt?
4.17sThat particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007,
2.07swhile you were supposedly in your coma.
2.55sLook, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me?
1.07sThe truth.
1.3sFine! Here's the truth!
2.14sI was never in any coma, okay? I bailed.
2.37sI faked my death and went AWOL.
2.47s(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.
1.2s(SOBBING)
3.37s
2.27s(LOIS SOBBING)
4.34s
4.66s
3.99s(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.
3.84sSo, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon.