Use the timeline below to select up to 20 seconds to watch or share.
2.94sWhat? Come on, Dad. Whatev.
2.72sHey, why's it so hot in here? It's too hot in here.
2.4sWait a minute. An Ed Hardy T-shirt?
4.17sThat particular strain of douche bag didn't arise until 2007,
2.07swhile you were supposedly in your coma.
2.55sLook, get off my case, Dad! What do you want from me?
1.07sThe truth.
1.3sFine! Here's the truth!
2.14sI was never in any coma, okay? I bailed.
2.37sI faked my death and went AWOL.
2.47s(ALL GASP) I faked my own death once.
1.2s(SOBBING)
3.37s
2.27s(LOIS SOBBING)
4.34s
4.66s
3.99s(PETER CHUCKLES) No dentist appointment for this guy.
3.84sSo, there it is. I'm not a war hero. I abandoned my platoon.