Create a Clip

Use the timeline below to select up to 20 seconds to watch or share.

0.83s
1.04s
1.55sJoe, Joe, you got to help me.
1.13sYou got to help me get laid!
1.3sWhat are you talking about, Quagmire?
1.9sI got to get laid! You got to help me get laid!
1.57sI've never had sex! What do you mean?
1.6sYou've had sex a million times.
2.64sOh, that's all bluster. I just talk big for the fellas.
2.87sI'm a virgin, Joe! I don't want to die a virgin!
1.6sHelp me, please!
1.85sLet me have sex with Bonnie.
5.54s(SIGHS) I guess so. For my friend on our last day on Earth.
2.34sYou're a good man, Joe Swanson.
0.54s
1.2sHow was your first time?
1.43sI've had sex lots of times.
1.4sI just wanted to have it again.
1.37s(SCATTING)
1.1s
1.27sFuck you.
2.29sWho else but Quagmire?
2sWell, Diane, now that our time is almost up,
6.11sjust to lighten the mood, we introduce a new feature called Tom's Crank Calls. Let's dial that number, shall we?
1.14s
1.93sHello, is this Megan Fox?
1.8sI will kill you, do you understand?
2.7sIf I can't have you, no one can. I will kill you.
2sThis is Tom Tucker.
Index